A Guide to Losing Your Virginity or Deciding if You Should Keep it Safe Part 2 of 4

Which sexual partner should a teen or woman chooses to have intercourse with for the first time? That depends on the individual. A long-term partner is a good choice. You do not need to love them or be married to them, but you should be good friends who trust and respect each other. You should enjoy being together and hopefully you are able to express your thoughts and feeling with them freely. You should be able to envision the relationship lasting years versus days or months. This is because sex is a learning process that takes time and communication. Before you get to the point in the sexual relationship where you consider intercourse you should have already spent a lot of time developing your basic sexual skills together. You should already enjoy sex together. Teens and women should choose the sexual partner they have intercourse with for the first time with caution, if you are not sure they are the right one, they're not. Even if they are the right one, it does not mean you HAVE to either.

Virgin Brides

A word of advice for "virgin brides," or any woman who postpones engaging in all forms of sexual activity until they are in their twenties or later. Women who do so often value their virginity greatly or else they would not have waited so long to become sexually active. As such it means a lot to them and becoming a non-virgin means a lot to them, and they have high expectations regarding their first time. The problem lies in that having had no past sexual experiences you probably are not ready for intercourse, or for that matter, anything more than hugging and kissing.

My advice to these women is to slowly develop their sexual skills one at a time over an extended period of time before having intercourse with their partner. It might be a wiser choice to celebrate your first anniversary by having intercourse for the first time versus doing so on the night of your wedding when you are probably stressed and tired. You are likely to be married for years, so there is no need to try and do everything the first night or week. The thrill of doing it will not wear off if you wait, if anything, the anticipation will grow as you and your partner develop your relationship. Have fun and explore, but do not put a lot of pressure on yourself to be a sexual dynamo. In addition, it usually is not good for the marriage or committed relationship if pregnancy occurs within the first year.

Sexual Compatibility

One potential drawback of waiting until after you marry to explore partnered sex is sexual incompatibility. If you have not explored sex with your partner, how do you know their sexual interests and desires are compatible with your own? We often underestimate the importance of sex and intimacy within a relationship. Since society does not place significant emphasis on sex within a relationship, couples may do the same. We may place great importance on having the same interests in music and foods, religious beliefs, and desire for children, but never compare our sexual compatibility. We may just guess as to what our partner does or does not want sexually, and many times we are not even close. Sex often becomes a part of the relationship where one or both partners make great sacrifices or does things unwillingly. The quality of a couple's sexual relationship is often a direct indicator as to the general health of the entire relationship. If you are not compatible in bed, you probably are not compatible out of bed.

Communication

A way to avoid facing this potential problem is to discuss your sexual interests and desires prior to marriage, or starting a sexual relationship. List on a piece of paper all the things you want to try in one column, things you might try in another column, and the things you definitely do not want to try in another. You can use the index pages out of a book about sex to get a list of potential sexual activities. If you want to get more specific, rank your interest level in trying each sexual activity. Are you simply curious or desperate to try it? Have your partner do the same and then compare the lists. Both partners must complete their list BEFORE showing them to their partner as one partner may try to fulfill their partner's expectations of them versus being honest otherwise. You will want the lists of thing you each want or might try to be very similar. If a lot of the things you want to try are in your partner's definitely not list, this is not a good sign. If you list fifty things you want to try and your partner five, do you believe you are going to be a good sexual match? To determine if you have compatible sex drives you might want to write down how often you masturbate. You can also write down how often you become sexually aroused, desire partnered sex, or have a sexual thoughts or fantasies. Be honest during all of this because your future marriage or relationship will likely depend on it. Couples will likely need to complete new lists many times during their relationship, as their expectations and desires may change with time and experience, or as a result of boredom.

Pain and Bleeding

It appears that in order to persuade young women not to engage in sex and intercourse our society has employed scare tactics. Society has tried to make teens fearful of their first experience by leading them to believe it will be painful and bloody. If you know it will be so, you are less likely to do it, or so some believe; the powerful influence of sexual desire is often overlooked. While a woman's first experience with intercourse can involve some pain and bleeding, it is not as bad as we are often led to believe. While most women do experience some pain or discomfort, it is rarely extremely so. In any event, pain is an indication that something is wrong.

About fifty percent of women experience some bleeding the first time, or the first couple times, they have intercourse. The cause of this bleeding is usually the tearing of their hymen. Sometimes, the vaginal wall or vulva can be injured and this too can result in some bleeding. There is usually very little bleeding, a tablespoon or less (In comparison, about four tablespoons of blood are lost during each menstrual period.) On rare occasions, there can be a lot, but this is the exception and women should not expect this to happen to them. There may appear to be more blood loss than there actually is, as the blood will mix with the vaginal lubrication and sweat that are present.

Preparing the Vagina for Intercourse

The way to avoid pain and bleeding is to slowly and gently stretch the hymen and vagina prior to engaging in intercourse. It seems if the normal course of sexual development occurs, the hymen would be slowly and painlessly dilated long before intercourse occurred for the first time. A woman can do this herself using her fingers. Lubricate your finger with a water based lubricant or saliva and then slowly and gently insert it into your vagina while masturbating. You must be sexually aroused when you do this. Use one hand to caress your clitoris while the other explores your vagina. In the beginning, only the tip of your finger may enter. With your finger or fingertip inside your vagina, gently press your finger outward from the center of your vagina. Imagine your vagina is at the center of a clock face and gently press your finger towards each number on the clock face. Press until you feel some resistance, but not so much that you feel pain, for a couple seconds, then repeat pressing in a new direction. Work your way around the clock face. This stretches the hymen and muscles. Over time, slowly work your way up to three fingers, or an object of equivalent size. Some will find they can do this without difficulty within a week or less, others will require several months. It all depends on how elastic your hymen is, and how relaxed and flexible your pelvic and vaginal muscles are.

Initially, the pelvic muscles surrounding the vaginal orifice may be very tight and the hymeneal opening small. This may make the insertion of even a single finger uncomfortable or even impossible. In this case, just press against the vaginal orifice versus trying to push your finger into it. While pressing gently in, move your finger in a slow circular manner. With patience, you should slowly notice your finger entering into your body, perhaps over a period of days. It will also help to explore your vulva with a mirror, to help you locate your hymen and vaginal orifice. In most cases, the opening in the hymen will permit the insertion of at least a single lubricated finger or tampon.

A woman's partner can also do this during partner sex if they go slow and are gentle. Good communication is essential, as the woman needs to inform her partner if they are using too much pressure or going too fast. The woman's partner needs to go slowly and be very gentle. Young men tend to be overly eager and rough, they need to make a special effort to be otherwise. (Men often use much more pressure when masturbating their penis than women can tolerate on their vulva.) A woman needs to be able to spread her legs fully and relax her muscles. Doing this with pants and/or panties on will be awkward and cause needless discomfort, as will doing it in a cramped space like a car.

Women who are in their late teens or older may have access to dildos of various sizes that can be used to help stretch the hymen and vagina. If a woman is able to insert an artificial penis of appropriate size, 1.5 in. (3.8cm) in diameter and 6 in. (15 cm) in length, into her vagina, she is certainly going to be more comfortable with the idea of a real one entering her body. Realistic silicone dildos also allow teens and women to explore what a penis may look and feel like and practice fellatio (oral stimulation of the penis), putting a condom on a penis, anal sex, and may just be fun to play and experiment with, even if they are a virgin or a lesbian. Small and medium sized butt-plugs may make dilating the vagina and hymen easier because of their tapered shape.

Kegels

A healthy vagina is one that is both strong and flexible. In addition to dilating and stretching the vaginal and pelvic muscles they should also be strengthened. The vagina of a virgin is tight because the muscles are atrophied not because they are strong. If the vaginal and pelvic muscles are not strengthened as they are dilated they may not develop the ability to grasp things inserted between them. This will lessen the friction between the vaginal walls and anything inserted between them and can result in vaginal penetration not being as enjoyable as it could be, for both partners. Young women should learn and get in the habit of doing Kegel exercises.

The best way for a young woman to learn to do Kegels is to practice stopping the flow of urine from her bladder when she urinates. Instead of just letting the urine flow freely get in the habit of starting and stopping the flow several times each time you urinate. With practice it should become easy. Once you get accustomed to doing it while urinating and learn to know when your pelvic muscles are both tight and relaxed, start doing them when you are not urinating, while sitting in class, while at work, while riding or driving in a car, talking on the phone, or while watching TV. Tighten the muscles for one or two seconds, ten times per session, as many times per day as you can.

If you learn to do Kegels before starting to dilate your vagina you may find it easier to do so. This is because you will know when the pelvic muscles are tight, and when they are relaxed. Before inserting your finger or other object into your vagina first tighten and then relax your pelvic muscles. This makes you aware of your pelvic muscles, and ensures that they are relaxed. Once you are able to insert at least the tip of your finger into your vagina you can practice grasping it with your pelvic muscles. You will find it easier to move your finger when the muscles are relaxed. Being able to relax your vaginal muscles will come in useful when a partner inserts their finger(s) or penis, and when a doctor needs to insert their fingers or a speculum during a gynecological exam. Having strong pelvic muscles can increase the intensity of orgasm. Kegels also increase a woman's self-awareness.

Since a woman's vaginal muscles are not under her direct control they are less easy to control and develop. The way to prepare them for intercourse is to use them, which means inserting something into the vagina for them to grasp. The way to relax them is to relax the whole body. If a woman is relaxed and her vagina is empty, her vaginal muscles are likely relaxed. When she is relaxed and her pelvic muscles are relaxed she can insert her finger into her vagina. She should feel her vagina, past the pelvic muscles, conforming to the size and shape of her finger(s). A woman's vaginal walls are not smooth, they are made up of many small folds or ridges of tissue since it must be able to adjust to the passage of a baby's head.

A good way for a woman to prepare her vagina for intercourse is to insert a finger or other object into her vagina while she masturbates to orgasm. This not only gives her vaginal muscles some exercise but also allows her to get accustomed to the sensations associated with having something inside the vagina when she is sexually aroused and experiences orgasm. This would also make the possibility of vaginal orgasm more likely since all the associated sensations are not foreign to her.

Why Does it Hurt?

There can be several factors that can combine to make not only the first time but also the first few times painful or uncomfortable. Women who have not engaged in intercourse for an extended period of time may find themselves in the same situation. The potential causes for pain and discomfort are listed below. They are not presented in hopes of persuading women not to explore intercourse, but rather to better prepare them for it. I receive many e-mails asking, "Why did it hurt?" or "Why does it still hurt?" Pain during vaginal intercourse is referred to as dyspareunia. More can be learned about dyspareunia here.

Nervous Tension: While not necessarily a major factor, a young woman may be apprehensive or even fearful of intercourse and as a result her muscles constrict. This as a natural defensive mechanism intended to protect our body from injury. A woman may be concerned about how much pain she will experience or she may not be fully prepared for intercourse emotionally. She may also fear becoming pregnant. Other factors that contribute to nervous tension are fear of being caught or found out about by parents, or friends if a girl's peers are not sexually active. Often, youthful enthusiasm and a strong sex drive overcome these feelings.

If a young woman finds herself all tensed up, or if her partner notices that she is, this is an indication she is not ready to have intercourse. If a woman is lying there motionless with her hands and teeth clenched, she is extremely tense. Ideally, she should be as relaxed as a bowl of Jell-O. If a woman is tense, intercourse should not be attempted. The couple should discuss and figure out what is making her feel this way. Efforts should be taken to resolve these issues. Some cannot be resolved easily and intercourse may need to be postponed, perhaps for an extended period of time.

Continued in Part 1, Part 3, and Part 4.