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Instruments of Stimulation
Couples should plan their sexual experiences rather than leave them to fate or chance. The reason being, you need to prepare for recreational sex, to increase the likelihood of a mutually beneficial experience, without an undesired outcome. Don't allow the portrayal of sex, specifically in movies, fool you into believing sex naturally occurs easily and effortlessly, with instantaneous pleasure and orgasms for all. Reproduction is easy, not necessarily mutually pleasurable sex.
If you compare a finger to a penis you will likely notice some obvious differences. A penis doesn't have a fingernail and the skin on the hands is likely rougher than that of the penis. This means fingers are more likely to cut and abrade the vulva and vagina than is a penis. One or two fingers are smaller in diameter than a penis, meaning greater force can be directed at a smaller area, potentially causing pain and injury. The glans of the penis also provides more protective padding than does the tissues at the tip of the fingers, and if a penis is not circumcised, the glans is naturally moist and lubricated.
To help prevent injuries and discomfort during vulvar and vaginal stimulation it is best to ensure your fingernails are trimmed short and free of rough and sharp edges. Check them with your mouth and tongue beforehand. You also want to make sure your fingers and fingernails are clean, so as not to introduce dirt and chemical residues inside the vagina. Using latex or Nitrile surgical gloves may help reduce the chances of injuring the vulva and vagina, while increasing the woman's pleasure. I discovered they enhance the woman's experience, when used in combination with an appropriate lubricant.
To facilitate vaginal stimulation a woman should permit full and easy access to her vulva and vagina. Slipping your hands into her pants and underwear probably isn't the best approach. If she doesn't have the opportunity to undress from the waist down, it may be best for her to wear a short skirt with little or nothing underneath. It isn't always necessary to have direct access to the vulva to give a woman pleasure, and increase her level of arousal, as many women enjoy being stimulated through their pants and/or underwear, as is the case during some forms of outercourse.
The illustration shown above, while erotically stimulating, only begins to hint at the logistical problems that may present themselves during manual stimulation of the vulva and vagina. How long do you believe this couple, especially the man, can maintain this posture, especially if the couple isn't young and flexible? The twenty or more minutes it takes for the majority of women to reach orgasm during partnered sex? In reality the vulva and vagina are designed only with rear entry penetration, intercourse, in mind, in which case the male and female genitals are aligned with each other. I have found a massage table facilitates vulvar and vaginal stimulation (because of knee injuries and tight leg muscles), but coffee and kitchen tables or kitchen counters may also work, provided you put down some padding beforehand. This will allow a woman's partner to approach her from the side, without having to worry about leg cramps and the like, and keeps their body weight off her. The woman can also position herself by kneeling down or bending over at the waist, allowing her partner to kneel behind or alongside her.
Note: The process of inserting your finger(s) into the vagina is addressed in the article about locating the vagina. The number of fingers you insert will depend on your partner's level of experience and preference.
When you stimulate the vagina with your fingers, you may believe you should simulate a thrusting penis, and thrust your fingers vigorously in and out of the vagina. While that is a possibility, that may be a bit rough on the vagina and the woman, especially if she isn't accustomed to it or isn't highly aroused. What may also work, perhaps better, is to caress and massage the vaginal tissues. Take your time and explore all the nooks and crannies. Be sure to communicate with your partner during the entire process, find out if your efforts are indeed pleasurable. Apply different amounts of pressure, being very gentle at first. Caress, massage, and explore those nooks and crannies. Don't be in a rush. See if there are those Special Spots mentioned above, by stimulating the front wall of her vagina, her vaginal fornices, and the cervix.
When stimulating the vagina, don't forget about the surrounding internal structures, as you are stimulating them at the same time. The urethra, prostate gland, and bladder are to the front, the bowel to the rear. Too vigorous stimulation may result in irritation within the urethra and prostate, possibly resulting in an infection. Women with gastrointestinal diseases like irritable bowel disease may experience a worsening of their symptoms as a result of sexual activity. What constituents too much depends on the individual, and over indulgence may not become evident until after the sexual experience. Trial and error will be your teacher.
Hooking one or two fingers, in a come-hither manner, may be used to stimulate the front wall of the vagina, and possibly the G-Spot, if one is present. Massage and stoke the vaginal tissues, being sure to ask your partner for feedback on the location and amount of pressure being applied. As a woman becomes increasingly aroused, inserting more than one finger may increase her pleasure, though proceed with care, as hymens, hymeneal remnants, tight pelvic muscles, and episiotomy scars can restrict vaginal dilation, causing discomfort and pain. If you gently massage and stretch her pelvic muscles, from within her vagina, her vagina may relax, allowing for greater dilation. This type of massage is commonly called "perineal massage" and is associated with childbirth, but also applies to partnered sex. As noted in the linked to references, the vagina stretches toward the anus, not towards the clitoris, because the clitoris is vaulted by the pelvic bones. Some women, perhaps a minority, may be open the idea of vaginal fisting, which may be easier to facilitate if a woman's partner has small hands.
From the perspectives of human reproduction and male sexual pleasure, penile-vaginal intercourse is very successful, but from the perspectives of female sexual pleasure and sexuality, it receives mixed reviews. Given there are almost 7 billion humans on this planet, penile-vaginal intercourse is more than fulfilling its primary role of ensuring our survival as a species, perhaps too well. From the perspectives of female sexuality and recreational sex, its success rate depends on the specific aspect you look at, and the individual woman. The following information and quotes allow us to see that while penile-vaginal intercourse is the most common sexual activity heterosexual couples engage in, its rewards and hazards are not equal for men and women.
""Vaginal intercourse is still the most common sexual act but many sexual events do not involve intercourse. What it means to have sex can vary greatly from one person to the next.""
"While 85 percent of men perceived that their partner had had an orgasm the last time they had sex, only 64 percent of women said they actually had climaxed. While men were more likely to orgasm with vaginal intercourse, women generally needed a wider variety of activities." Source - Medical Reference
The following quote confirms this rate of orgasm for women during partnered sex, based on residents of Australia.
"Richters et a1.(2006) confirmed that women have orgasm only 69% of their encounters with men, and these most often are the result of manual or oral stimulation." Source
The study cited above found 95% of men experienced orgasm during their most recent experience of partnered sex. For women aged 16-19, 52% (1 out of 2) experienced orgasm, whereas men aged 16 -19, 84% experienced orgasm. From the perspective of orgasms, women don't fair nearly as well as their male partners. Cited Medical Reference
The following statistics were published in 2011, based on residents of the U.S.:
"[A]mong 3,237 respondents aged 18-26 years in heterosexual relationships of >= 3-month duration...Men were more likely than women to report having orgasms most or all the time: 87% versus 47%. A total of 15% of young women reported having orgasms less than half the time or never, whereas only 2.6% of young men reported having orgasms with that regularity." Source
Research indicates women in same-sex relationships experience more orgasms and greater sexual satisfaction than their heterosexual counterparts. The likely reason being, their sexual interactions don't revolve around penile-vaginal intercourse, not simply because they have the same anatomy. As the preceding quote points out, women most often require manual or oral stimulation if they are to experience orgasm. It isn't so much what you have, but what you do with it. (Note 2011: A History of Same-Sex Sex is Associated with a Slight (4%) Increase in Likelihood of Sexual Distress (Is dissatisfaction the motivator for same-sex experiences, or are same-sex experiences the cause of guilt that leads to distress?)
The number of conceptions and orgasms doesn't provide a comprehensive picture of the successes and shortcomings of penile-intercourse.
"Vardenafil is an effective ED [Erectile Dysfunction] treatment in men that also significantly improves sexual function/satisfaction in untreated women partners. Women partners' sexual function improvements relate significantly and consistently to treatment-related improvements in men's erectile function." Source
"Women satisfaction with their sex life was improved by ED treatment (sildenafil citrate)." Source
The preceding quotes demonstrate the importance of penises, specifically erect penises, to a couple's sexual interactions and level of sexual satisfaction, at least for those who seek out medical treatment for impotence. In a survey on this website, 60-66 percent of women indicate their partner's ability to achieve and maintain an erection is "very" or "extremely" important to them. For 34-40 percent, it is of lesser importance, but seldom of no importance. Of course, if a woman has no interest in sex, is she likely to take part in our survey, or be open to her partner utilizing Viagra and similar medications? This may result in an overstatement of how important erections are to women in the general population. Archived Survey - Current Survey
Something that may influence how important an erect penis is to a woman is the sensitivity of her vagina to penile stimulation. 23-27 percent of women, 1 out of 4, indicate they are dissatisfied to some degree with the sensitivity of their vagina, because it is insensitive or overly sensitive to penile stimulation. If you are dissatisfied with the pleasure you experience during sexual intercourse are you even motivated to engage in intercourse, or value erections? Perhaps surprisingly, the answer to that question is often yes, as women in general value their orgasms slightly less than their partner's erections.
During intercourse, 49-58 percent of women indicate experiencing orgasm is "very" or "extremely" important to them. 42-51 percent see their orgasm of lesser importance, but once again, seldom of little or no importance. If experiencing orgasm isn't of great importance for many women, at least during intercourse, the sensitivity of their vagina is perhaps not a significant factor in their motivation to engage in the activity, and this does appear to be the case. Of course, some women truly enjoy intercourse, because of the physical and/or psychological pleasure and rewards they experience, even if orgasm isn't a possibility.
As with vaginal lubrication, the demands placed on the penis are significantly greater during recreational sex than during reproductive sex. For example, during purely reproductive sex does premature ejaculation exist? If a man is able to insert his penis into the vagina prior to ejaculating does the subsequent length of intercourse have a significant influence on the likelihood of conception?* If you aren't concerned with whether your partner experiences orgasm, or if you will ejaculate too soon or late, is performance anxiety a significant factor? As our lives become more complex, so do our sexual interactions. The sexual revolution awakened us to the absence and desire for female orgasm, but has inadvertently placed pressure on women to experience them, and their partner to produce them.
* There is some debate over whether the occurrence of female orgasm increases the rate of conception, even though the frequent absence of female orgasm during intercourse doesn't appear to be adversely affecting the survivability of our species.
A man's ability to achieve and maintain an erection is a good indication of his overall mental and physical health [reference]. In days now long in the past, if a man couldn't achieve an erection was he considered a desirable reproductive partner, was he able to acquire or attract a sexual partner, provide for a family? As our life-spans increase, illnesses like heart disease and cancer have a greater likelihood of adversely affecting our health and ability to achieve and maintain sexual arousal. As new medications are created to treat disease, the function of the penis could be adversely affected by them, more so than perhaps than the disease alone. As our life expectancy increases, is our sexual potential keeping pace, or possibly decreasing? While reproductive sex is becoming less common and recreational sex more common, our ability to engage in recreational sex may be decreasing, if viewed over our entire lifetime.
A challenge presented by penile-vaginal intercourse is that two unique individuals are involved, with each having potentially competing or conflicting motives and expectations. While they may be united in a singular activity, they each bring along their own unique set of physical and psychological dynamics that influence the outcome, individually and as a couple. On a physical level, a couple's respective sensitivities to the resulting stimulation may or may not be equal, in part because their erogenous zones may not be aligned and stimulated.** On a psychological level, as an example, one partner may be seeking only orgasm, the other confirmation of their love and relationship. In the past, differences in motivation and organic causes for lack of physical ability and fulfillment were not socially acknowledged or condoned, in classical teachings; we were only to engage in sex when singularly and purely motivated.
** Note: For men, the glans, frenum, and corona of the penis are frequently the most sensitive to stimulation. For women, the outer third and front or top wall of the vagina are frequently the areas of greater sensitivity, plus some enjoy deep penetration. Some of these areas are sensitive to friction and pressure, others only pressure. During intercourse these areas of sensitivity may not be aligned nor receiving the type of stimulation they are most sensitive too. The duration and intensity of the stimulation provided may or may not be sufficient to result in orgasm for both. These are possible reasons why men and women have written seeking to understand why they don't find intercourse pleasurable, despite social expectation.
For many couples, no special techniques or skills are required to fulfill their mutual desires during penile-vaginal intercourse, they simply do "it."
"I believe that I'm just a super horny person, because a lot of guys can bring me to orgasm just by rubbing my clit (fully clothed while making out and just rubbing over panties) and during sex I usually orgasm at least 2 times (sometimes as much as 5-6!). This obviously makes the guy feel like a rockstar (HAHA- little does he know that I cum SO easily)." From a shared masturbation experience.
As unbelievable as it may sound, I once knew a woman who believed she was too orgasmic during intercourse, because her orgasms began almost immediately, distracting her from the experience. Based on the questions I receive and the statistics provided above, this is not the most common circumstance, meaning the majority of couples need to take specific steps to ensure their mutual needs are met during intercourse. This is especially true as the newness of their relationship wanes, and the resulting psychological arousal becomes less intense, increasing the need for additional physical and psychological stimulation and arousal.
If both partners aren't equally orgasmic during intercourse from the onset of their sexual experiences, the easiest solution may be to try different sexual positions. As mentioned above, 70% of women indicate they prefer a position other than the missionary position. If the missionary position doesn't work for you, try positions in which the woman is on top controlling the activity, or where her partner is entering her from behind, when she is bent at the waist, allowing the front wall of her vagina to be stimulated, and deeper penetration. Don't be afraid to "experiment," as obviously the majority of women and their partners have.
Sometimes a conflict may arise between a woman's preferred position and her ability to experience orgasm in that position. Some women prefer the intimacy of the missionary position, the resulting close physical contact with their partner, but aren't orgasmic, because their erogenous zones can't be appropriately stimulated. Some women enjoy the "idea" of being in control, but find it more challenging than they expected, having assumed it would be easy and "natural," as shown in the movies. Couples may have to choose the appropriate position to fulfill their dominant need at the moment, realizing that need is subject to change, and their needs at the onset of sex aren't necessarily the same throughout.
Note: Women may prefer the physical contact provided by the missionary position, because engaging in sex results in a certain degree of vulnerability. If they are encompassed by their partner's body they may feel more protected and less vulnerable. This may have an instinctive origin rather than being an indication of their level of trust within the relationship. This said, a woman may need to feel extremely safe within the relationship and life before she feels comfortable enough to begin exploring new positions and sexual techniques.
In of itself, changing to a different sexual position is probably not a solution to an absence of female orgasm, as the majority of women need direct clitoral stimulation if they are to experience orgasm. This means the chosen sexual position must facilitate clitoral stimulation, and then the required stimulation must be provided for the necessary length of time. If a woman is on top, laying on her side, or bent at the waist, she likely has access to her clitoris, and can demonstrate her own unique knowledge of her body***. If her own hand doesn't work efficiently in this circumstance, a small hand held vibrator, like a Pocket Rocket, may. Betty Dodson offers advice on using a vibrator during partnered sex. If a couple's body position permits, a woman's partner can stimulate her clitoris during intercourse, though her partner must be proficient at clitoral and vulvar massage prior to incorporating it into their sexual repertoire.
*** Note: Intercourse may prove to be too much of a distraction for a woman to experience orgasm, especially if there are too many new sensations and forms of stimulus occurring. Initially, her partner may only be able to watch as she masturbates to orgasm. Then her partner may be able to hold her, or they assume a position suitable for intercourse without actual penetration, while she masturbates to orgasm. When they are successful at this, they repeat the exercise with penile insertion, but no movement on her partner's behalf. She can then start moving slowly, or rock her hips, and rhythmically contracting her pelvic muscles, as she stimulates herself. Once this is achieved satisfactory, her partner can slowly start to move their penis/dildo inside her, while she caresses herself to orgasm. During all this, a couple should be relaxed and having fun, not focused on some goal. During these exercises, a man may remain rock hard, ejaculate uncontrollably, or lose his erection, and all three are normal and expected outcomes. If he is no longer erect, and she isn't quite there yet, use his fingers or a dildo to fulfill the roll of his penis.
During sexual intercourse, to stimulate the Special Spots mentioned above, a couple must utilize the penis in an appropriate manner. To stimulate the G-Spot, the penis likely needs to enter the woman from behind, or their body position must allow the woman to be on top controlling their body alignment and movements. To stimulate the A-Spot, rear entry positions, or positions in which the woman is laying on her back or side with her legs drawn up towards her chest, that permit deep penetration, may be necessary. To stimulate the U-Spot, the vulva needs to be stimulated by the penis, as described in the article about outercourse. A man can stimulate a woman's U-Spot during foreplay, or while teasing her, then stimulate the G-Spot and A-Spot during penetrative sex. For women who enjoy deep penetration and a large diameter penis, the use of a penis extension may fulfill their desire.
If a woman's partner is standing or kneeling, they have greater freedom of movement and can use their hands and body to direct and control the angle of their penis as it enters the vagina. By moving their hips up and down and side to side they can direct their penis at different areas within the vagina, allowing them to stimulate areas of sensitivity. They can vary the length of their strokes and explore the effects of fast and slow movements, to provide different levels of stimulation, and possibly to tease their partner. Don't be in a rush to orgasm, slow down and experiment, to see what is possible. While doing so, communicate with each other, involve your minds, not only your bodies.
Explore having sex utilizing different positions and pieces of furniture, because your bed isn't necessarily the best place to engage in sex. Here are examples of possible positions, more can be seen by clicking here and here.
