Orgasm Not Required
An orgasm is only enjoyable if a woman desires to have one, and it is certainly acceptable for her not to. Keep in mind orgasm is simply one form of pleasure, nor necessarily the best. It is certainly possible for vaginal stimulation to be very enjoyable for a woman in the absence of orgasm. Even if vaginal intercourse is not an orgasmic experience for her, she may enjoy and look forward to it because of the emotional bond between her and her partner. She enjoys the closeness and intimacy of the sexual act, more so than the physical sensations she experiences. There are also women who are happy if her partner experiences pleasure and orgasm, even if they do not. They enjoy giving their partner pleasure, not just receiving it, and receive emotional pleasure in return. This too is certainly acceptable, if not done to extreme, as at some point a woman must demand that it is her turn, for pleasure not necessarily orgasm.
Note: Men too should not see their own orgasm as a requirement of intercourse and sex as men fake orgasm too.
Intercourse, or any sexual activity for that matter, may not be an appropriate activity for a couple if one partner does not enjoy it physically and/or emotionally and the other is uncomfortable knowing this. Men and women are usually very uncomfortable using or being used as a masturbation aid, at least when it occurs regularly or all the time. Even so, social and partner expectations may cause persons who do not enjoy certain sexual activities to withhold this fact from their partner, trying to live up to those false expectations. What they do not realize is, they are presuming their partner enjoys the activity, which certainly may not be the case. Couples end up going through the motions of sex even though neither partner finds what they are doing enjoyable, resulting in both losing interest. In addition, sex cannot be fulfilling if you cannot be honest with and accepting of your partner, unless of course you are totally self centered.
Body Position
Body position during vaginal intercourse can have a major impact on the amount of pleasure a woman experiences, as well as her partner. A change in position may result in a woman going from feeling nothing at all to being orgasmic. The reason being, the entire vagina is not equally sensitive to stimulation, and as a result the angle and depth of penetration can determine whether a woman experiences intercourse as being pleasurable, as can the size and shape of her partner's penis. The location of a woman's area of vaginal sensitivity, if she has one, will determine the positions she finds most enjoyable. In addition, the amount of clitoral stimulation a woman experiences will also be dependent on body position. While couples do not need to be acrobats, exploration of different sexual positions is recommended if the missionary or other common positions don't work for you.
If a woman has a G-Spot, she may enjoy intercourse the most when her partner's penis presses into or rubs against it, which is more likely to occur when they are penetrating her from behind, or when she is on top controlling the angle of entry. Some women find anal intercourse stimulates their G-Spot and they ejaculate during this activity, but not necessarily during vaginal intercourse.
It should be noted that our bodies are designed to have intercourse when a woman is bent at the waist and her partner penetrates her from behind, the "doggy" position. This is the "normal" or "natural" position, not the missionary as is commonly accepted. It is my understanding that this is the position used by couples in many tribal and non-industrialized societies. Unfortunately, some have proposed only "animals" have sex in this position in an attempt to raise humans above other creatures, which has resulted in other positions not only receiving unpopular press, but also persons of different cultures. Do not allow false social believes and expectations to restrict your pleasure.
Rhythm
Couples may want to consider experimenting to see if rhythm plays a part in a woman's enjoyment of intercourse. A woman may prefer long fast strokes, short fast strokes, long slow strokes, or short slow strokes. She may enjoy any combination of these. What a woman enjoys may vary depending on her level of sexual arousal, her nearness to orgasm. She may want it long and slow at first to allow arousal to build but then a steady fast pace when she nears orgasm. Experimentation and practice is the key to learning what works best. Do not forget, what worked yesterday may not work today or tomorrow.
Skill and Stamina
Being an active participant during intercourse requires skill and stamina. Young men quickly learn this when their penis keeps slipping out, they get sweaty, their muscles start to ache, and they tire quickly. This is something women are sometimes very surprised to learn when they get on top or explore using a dildo in a harness. It may look easy in movies but intercourse is a very physically demanding activity, especially if one tries to do it for any length of time. The old in out is not as easy as it looks. The only way to learn how to do it correctly is through practice and patience. A sense of humor is essential during sex and intercourse, as you will undoubtedly have funny and potentially embarrassing things occur, like slipping out and not being able to get it back in by yourself. Sex is never as easy as it looks in the movies where all the mistakes are edited out.
A Penis is Not Always Best
A woman may enjoy having her vagina stimulated by her partner's fingers, hand, vibrators, dildos, etc., but find penile stimulation is not at all pleasurable. There may exist within the vagina only a small area that is sensitive to stimulation, and as a result a penis attached to a man may not be the best tool to use if a person seeks to stimulate this area. By exploring other forms of stimulation a woman is able to take advantage of these potential areas of sensitivity. The size, shape, and texture of the object inserted can be chosen so as to provide the appropriate stimulation. Men should not take it as an indication of personal failure when their partner prefers a dildo or other objects to their penis for vaginal stimulation. Hopefully, men are primarily concerned with their partner's pleasure, not by how it is obtained. A couple may also need to adapt to the unique needs of the male partner.
Lesbians and Vaginal Penetration
One misconception surrounding vaginal intercourse involves lesbians. We often assume lesbian couples do not engage in vaginal intercourse and penetration. We are more likely to envision them hugging and kissing than having "sex." Within some segments of the lesbian community vaginal stimulation is taboo, as it is too closely associated with men and penises. While many lesbian couples do not engage in vaginal penetration or intercourse, a significant number do. The reason they do is quite simply because they enjoy it, it feels good. They are not pretending to be a man and woman, though sometimes they engage in role-playing. They are naturally using all the body parts at their disposal to experience sexual pleasure. Dildos, alone and in a harness, just happen to be an enjoyable and proficient way of stimulating the vagina. Wearing a dildo in a harness is pleasurable for some women, as having a "penis" and penetrating their partner gives them a sense of power and control; this applies to heterosexual as well as lesbian women. Vaginal stimulation is potentially enjoyable for all women, regardless of their sexual orientation.
While we may assume there is a difference between what lesbian and heterosexual women do sexually, this is not true. They potentially have the same interests, needs, and desires and engage in the same activities as a result. Every type of sexual activity heterosexual women engage in, lesbian women engage in as well, and vise versa. The fact that the vast majority of women, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual, are raised in heterosexual families and communities results in the same role models and sexual expectations, not to mention the same anatomy and sexual diversity. The anatomy of a woman's partner does not affect her wants and needs. Society, social groups, and women themselves should be careful not to restrict what women can do with their partner based on their sexual orientation or their partner's anatomy.
Learning from Lesbians
Something men and their female partners can learn from lesbians is the use of fingers and hands to stimulate a woman's vagina. Lesbians do not have a organic penis so they often rely on their flexible and sensitive fingers and hands to stimulate the vagina in ways no penis ever could. They use their fingers not just to thrust in and out, but also to slowly explore every detail. They caress the vaginal walls and awaken hidden nerve endings. They may seek out and explore her G-spot or slowly stretch and fill the vagina with their entire hand. For some women, a single finger is all they need and desire, so discuss things prior to getting too carried away. Use plenty of lubrication, trim and file your fingernails, and perhaps use Nitrile, vinyl, or latex surgical gloves. A woman's partner may actually feel closer to her when they use their hands instead of their penis to give her pleasure, as they can observe her pleasure with greater ease and are less distracted by their own body and desires.
The Pressures Placed on Men
A penis is made of flesh and blood and our expectations of it are seldom realistic. We must not forget there is a living breathing man attached to that penis. In the rush to fulfill women's sexual needs we may expect too much from men and their penises. This is not meant to suggest men are inferior to women, it is just that a penis functions only as well as a clitoris. We place enormous pressure on men by expecting them to achieve and maintain an erection while delaying ejaculation for extended periods of time. From an evolutionary and reproductive perspective this probably is not a realistic expectation.
When men fail to achieve these unrealistic goals we not only deal them an emotional blow but, also take away their pleasure in the process by causing them to feel guilty. We do not allow them to enjoy their orgasms if they occur prior to their partner's. Fear of failure is causing teenagers and men to be unable to achieve an erection, or their erection quickly diminishes, when they attempt intercourse. They may be so nervous and agitated they ejaculate quickly. As a result, men are becoming the ones with the "headache." This is why Viagra is in such demand, even by those who are not impotent.
Note: By learning and using Kegel exercises, men may voluntarily learn better control over their erections and orgasms, increasing not only their own pleasure, but also their partner's. While not a reliable means of birth control, not ejaculating may have its benefits, on occasion.
Women often judge themselves based on the performance of their partner's penis, causing themselves undo feelings of failure. A woman is led to believe that if her partner finds her attractive and desirable his penis will automatically be erect when they desire intercourse, and even when they do not. While some may see their partner as over-sexed, they also expect frequent erections to demonstrate how desirable they are. When a woman's partner does not experience an erection, she often feels at fault. If women are looking to their partner's penis for validation they simply will not find it.
While a woman may see her partner's inability to achieve an erection as a personal failure, she may project these feelings onto her partner. She does not want to feel at fault so she blames and perhaps belittles them. While she may say it is not a reason for concern, her expressions and actions may state otherwise. Because we seldom want to look inward, blaming others is much easer to do, and is perhaps a self-protection mechanism. A woman may reject her partner rather than addressing her own feelings of failure. This is very harmful to women, and their relationships with men.
Vibrators
Many couples have found placing a vibrator on or near a woman's clitoris during intercourse increases the likelihood of orgasm, yet placing a vibrator directly against a woman's clitoris may not be necessary or desired. Placing one against the pubic mound or outer labia often results in sufficient clitoral stimulation for orgasm to occur without the need for direct clitoral stimulation, as the vibrations pass through the tissues to the clitoris. A wand shaped vibrator like the Hitachi Magic Wand is one possible choice. Rechargeable vibrators may be more convenient as there is no power cord to get in the way. The small but powerful battery powered Pocket Rocket works very well, and is mentioned again below. If the vibrator is powerful, to soften the vibrations, place a small folded towel between a woman's clitoris and the vibrator. Vibrators should be seen as a way of enhancing sexual pleasure, not as taking away from it.
Dildos and
Harnesses:
Not Just for Women
While we may assume only women and lesbians would have a use for a dildo in a harness, men can and do use them too. By using a dildo in place of their penis men can actually relax and enjoy sex with their partner to a greater degree, because there is far less pressure to perform, i.e. stress. There is simply much less for them to worry about. They do not have to be concerned about ejaculating too quickly or loosing their erection. They can literally lie back and relax. By removing some of the fear and self-doubt many men experience they will find increased sexual happiness. When and if a man seeks to experience orgasm a couple can engage in whatever sexual activities they desire, including penile-vaginal intercourse.
While some may be concerned about the possible loss of physical intimacy, this will not occur. The amount of physical contact decreases very little by using a dildo. Emotional intimacy is always of greater importance. If a couple has the appropriate mind set, not holding to the false expectation that a "man" must have an erection and ejaculate for there to be "sex," intimacy will not be adversely affected. Keep in mind, penile/vaginal contact does not guarantee intimacy. There may actually be increased intimacy because there will be fewer things to distracted a couple. He will not be worrying about not lasting long enough and she will not be worrying about taking too long. If they experience increased pleasure with fewer fears, sex is going to be more pleasurable and fulfilling for both. Using a dildo in a harness may simply make partnered sex more fun and enjoyable.
The use of a dildo in a harness can increase the number sexual activities a couple can explore and the length of those activities. A woman can sit straddling her partner, and possibly caress her clitoris, while rocking her hips for as long as her heart desires; allowing her partner to observe and share in her pleasure with fewer distractions. A couple can take turns doing the pelvic rocking or thrusting and extend the duration of intercourse. They can simply cuddle while the woman enjoys the feeling of her vagina being filled. A woman can explore and discover if bigger really is better, or switch to smaller when necessary. A couple can explore changing roles by having the woman wear the harness and penetrate her partner. This allows "heterosexual" men to explore fellatio and anal penetration. A dildo and harness will enhance rather than take away from a couple's sexual experiences, if they are open to the idea. As an interesting side note, there are lesbians who feel they are better sexual partners because their penis, a dildo in a harness, is always erect and they never have to worry about ejaculating too quickly, but as a consequence their partner may expect marathon and acrobatic sex.
Women naturally have varying needs and desires when it comes to penetrative sex. A couple can choose a dildo of a size, firmness, and texture that fulfill a woman's individual needs and desires during each sexual activity. She may prefer a small flexible dildo during fellatio and anal intercourse but a large firm one during vaginal intercourse, as an example. If a woman finds deep penetration painful, she can choose a dildo of appropriate size. If she desires more stimulation, she can choose one with bumps and ridges. She can choose a dildo shaped in a way that stimulates her G-Spot. It should be noted that silicone dildos are perhaps the best choice of materials, as well as dildos made from cyberskin, but these are more expensive and harder to care for than silicone. A couple should invest in a high quality harness and dildos because the cheap plastic ones simply do not work; the all in one $20 specials belong in the trash not the bedroom. A $100 investment will serve a couple for many years.
Important Note: Men can use their fingers, as mentioned above, to stimulate their partner's vagina. It is not necessary to use a penis or dildo to stimulate the vagina for it to be pleasurable for both. Using a dildo in a harness is just one option available to couples.
Recommendations from Visitors
I wanted to add an additional tip for the Intercourse page. In one section, you discuss the use of a vibrator during intercourse as a way for the woman to have more clitoral stimulation - and you mention a wand shaped vibrator as a good choice. My wife and I often use one of the small "pocket rocket" type vibrators. Usually, she will use this on her clitoris while we have intercourse. This works very well as she can control the intensity of clitoral stimulation and we can use this in any position, including the missionary (if I lift up a bit). The vibrator is small so it can be used in any position where either of us can reach her clitoris.
From Posting on Message Board 12/14/99 By Lisa.
In response to reading the pages on clitoral and vaginal intercourse, I wanted to add a comment that may help young women. Although I started having sex at age 16, I never experienced a vaginal orgasm until I was 24. One day during intercourse I just suddenly had an orgasm vaginally; I was on top. I thought, wow! SO that's what people are talking about! Since then I have had many, always when I am on top. I believe the best technique is to sit on top of the male, pressing your knees into the bed, and spread your legs apart as far as you can. Then rock or slide your body back and forth. In this manner the clitoris somewhat rubs against his pubic bone, which starts the stimulation feelings, you just keep going steady, and you partner must hold still and let you maneuver yourself. It is also important that you are moving so that penis is rubbing against the vaginal wall; when you find where it feels good, stick to it, and soon you will reach orgasm. It also is important to have the mind clear and focused only on what you are doing. I hope this will help anyone who has had problems reaching orgasm.
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