Questions and Answers About Female Sexuality Volume 9: Questions 91-100

Question: When I engage in sex with my girlfriend she experiences lightheadedness, dizziness, tingling in her arms and legs and around her lips, muscles spasms, and her skin becomes pale, moist, and cool to the touch. What is causing this?

Answer: The symptoms you describe may occur as a result of hyperventilation. She is possibly breathing too rapidly and not taking full breaths of air. She may appear to be panting and short of breath.

Hyperventilation is a normal response when the body is not getting enough oxygen but also occurs when we experience emotional stress, anxiety, apprehension, or fear. Anxiety may result in hyperventilation or hyperventilation may cause anxiety. Hyperventilation is not harmful but can result in anxiety when you cannot voluntarily control your breathing.

During partnered sex a woman may experience anxiety if she is uncomfortable with or unprepared for the sexual activity she in participating in. Perhaps her partner is doing something to her that she has never experienced before, and is unprepared for emotionally and physically. Experiencing pain, perhaps as a result of not being adequately aroused and lubricated, may produce anxiety. The anxiety may be caused by experiences that had a negative outcome, and past uncomfortable situations, not necessarily of a sexual nature. It may occur as a result of the situation or environment in which the sexual activity is occurring. Being in a dark confined space with a partner thrusting against you can understandably produce distress. New sensations that are beyond what a woman has experienced prior can be overwhelming. A woman who has never masturbated to orgasm or engaged in partnered sex is more likely to experience this than a woman who has, but a history of sexual experiences that have had a negative outcome will adversely affect all women. The anxiety may be caused by an experience that occurred during the day that is unrelated to the sexual experience. If a couple routinely engages in sex despite her anxiety she may become conditioned to always experience anxiety even if the original cause of the anxiety is resolved. It is always best to address the initial cause of the anxiety.

An increased rate of breathing is a requirement of sexual arousal so how do you tell the difference between normal sexual arousal and an anxiety attack? During an anxiety attack a woman is likely to become unresponsive and withdrawn. She may try to pull away, clench her teeth and fists, or try to close her thighs. She may be laying there perfectly still, with her eyes closed; possibly indicating she has mentally removed herself from the experience. Her level of arousal will likely decrease resulting in less vaginal lubrication and blood engorgement. She may be unable to respond to questions about whether she is okay and enjoying the sexual stimulation.

A woman may be enjoying a consensual sexual experience one moment and severe anxiety the next. Even if a woman is initially very aroused and desirous of sex this can change instantly. A woman's partner may not be immediately aware of this transition, especially if they are distracted be their own pleasure or actions. Even an observant partner may not realize the experience has changed from a pleasant sexual one to an emotionally painful one, as the symptoms of arousal and anxiety are so alike.

When a woman's sexual partner is providing sexual stimulation they should be observant and monitor her responses; I know this can be easier said than done. During sexual activities like intercourse it is hard to loose yourself in your own pleasure if you are overly concerned with what you partner is experiencing, or isn't experiencing. If you aren't sure if your partner is okay it is best to ask. If you don't get a positive response then pause long enough for her to be able to respond to your questions. If she was having an anxiety attack you need to end the sexual experience and address the cause of the anxiety, but the cause may not be obvious to either of you.

If she was close to orgasm the interruption of the sexual stimulation may be very frustrating for her, understandably. In the event this occurs she needs to know you were looking out for her wellbeing, and that you need and want to learn her individual responses to sexual stimulation and orgasm. Once you know she is okay there shouldn't be any reason why you can't resume the sexual experience.

Inexperienced couples are going to have a more difficult time telling the difference between normal sexual arousal and an attack of anxiety. This is why it is important for inexperienced and newly formed unions to take things slow. Even though a woman has said yes to sex this does not mean she is instantly ready for a partner to stimulate her vulva or for a finger or penis to enter her body. It also doesn't mean she is truly prepared, mentally and physically, for the activity she has consented to.

Sex requires intimacy and the ability to surrender control. During sexual intercourse a woman's body must allow her partner's penis to enter her, something men often underestimate the emotional significance of. There is a big difference between being the one doing the penetrating and the one being penetrated. While sex can be emotionally rewarding for women, it can also be emotionally high risk. If a woman is emotionally unhappy it may become most obvious during partnered sex, as that is when she is most emotionally vulnerable.

More can be learned about these subjects at the websites linked to below:

Hyperventilation:

eMedicineHealth: Hyperventilation

WebMD: Hyperventilation

Anxiety and Panic Attacks:

MedicineNet: Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

MedicineNet: Panic Attacks (Panic Disorder)

Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA)

Question: I have been masturbating recently and have noticed a sensation of wanting to poop when this is happening. I'm 21 years old and am nervous about this. I am a virgin so I have no idea what happens during sex. Does this happen when you have sex? I know this sounds a little funny but it has me worried. Thanks for reading my question.

Answer: I am not a doctor so I can only provide general information not a medical diagnosis.

I have not heard of this in this context before but a woman learning how to do Kegel exercises reported a similar experience. In her case she may have been contracting her stomach muscles and bearing down rather than contracting only her pelvic muscles. Contracting your stomach muscles or bearing down will tend to push things out but contracting your pelvic should hold things in. My suggestion to her was to place her hand on her stomach to make sure these muscles remain relaxed when she contracted her pelvic muscles. You may want to slip a finger into your vagina to monitor the state of your pelvic muscles. Observe your stomach and pelvic muscles while masturbating. If they contract and cause the sensation of needing to have a bowel movement then see if relaxing yourself and them removes the urge. You might learn Kegels to help with your body awareness. Here is the link to information on Kegels:

Kegel Exercises

You might also explore your anus and rectum to become more familiar with them. The page linked to below provides some basic advice for anal sex.

Anal Sex and Intercourse: Exploring the Pleasures of Anal Sex

If you have a history of irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), constipation or hemorrhoids or if this problem continues you may want to consult a doctor.

Question: Hello, I have a big problem here. My clitoris seems to be hooded. I know that everyone's is hooded but mine is completely incased in skin. There is an incredibly tiny hole but it is so small the the clitoris can't pass through it. My fiancé and I have tried to give me pleasure by rubbing/playing with/ massaging my clitoris but it doesn't feel good. I mean it doesn't feel bad but no excitement there. No different than if he/I were rubbing the back of my hand. There is just nothing. I also have a hard time with vaginal stimulation as I am kind of large on the inside. This was confirmed for me when my gynecologist was fitting me for my diaphragm and had to go all the way up to the largest possible size! Now my fiancé is not small but I think I would need the King Kong of penises to fill me up! I don't know what to do anymore! I need help. I want to be able to enjoy sexual pleasure but don't know how or even if the way my genitals are formed will even allow it to happen. Advise please!

Answer: Please read the page about clitoral adhesions linked to below:

Clitoral Adhesions

You may need to have your clitoral hood surgically trimmed or removed. This is sometimes referred to as unhooding or circumcision of the the clitoris. I would recommend against having the entire hood removed, as it protects the sensitive glans and the oil glands in the hood lubricate the glans reducing the amount of friction. An increasing number of plastic surgeons is doing this type of surgery. Surgery should only be done as a last resort.

Another option is to insert a lubricated cotton swab, a Q-Tip, into the small opening of your hood and move it gently around in a circular motion to separate any adhesions that are present. You can use petroleum jelly or an antibiotic ointment as the lubricant. Doing this on a regular basis may stretch the opening in your hood and allow easier access to your clitoral glans. The lubricant may also help with clitoral stimulation during masturbation and partnered sex. If inserting the lubricated cotton swab very gently causes pain then your should consult your doctor about it.

The use a vibrator may provide the necessary stimulation required to provide sexual pleasure and orgasm.

If you are not sexually aroused when you stimulate your clitoris it may be numb to sexual stimulation. You may need to explore and discover what types of non-genital stimulation, physical and mental, sexually arouse you before you can explore genital stimulation. This is a subject that is frequently addressed on this website.

The size of your diaphragm is more likely an indication of the size of your cervix not your vagina. The inner portion of the vagina is normally larger than the outer portion. Your vagina is a potential space that will stretch to accommodate whatever is inserted. You do not have voluntary control over the muscles of your vagina, they naturally contract and grasps objects that are inserted.

The capacity of your vagina and the size of your cervix don't determine your tightness and the amount of stimulation you and your partner will experience during intercourse. That is primarily controlled by your pelvic muscles. If these muscles are not strong then the amount of friction between your vagina and your partner's penis will be decreased. If you cannot control these muscle then you cannot control the amount of friction. You can learn how to control and strengthen these muscles by doing Kegel exercises. See the information linked to below:

Kegel Exercises

As mentioned on the page about sexual intercourse, intercourse is not equally enjoyable for all individuals and couples. You may need to experiment with your partner to discover what works best for both of you.

Question: I used to be able to touch and fondle my nipples with great pleasure and even have an orgasm just by doing that, but now for the past year or two they have been too sensitive and painful to touch and fondle. Even my partner couldn't fondle or touch them. And now it has gotten to the point that touching them doesn't give me the pleasure it used to. It is almost like my nipples went mute. I don't know what's up??? I know you can only give general information and that you aren't a doctor but I am looking to you for a general answer.

Answer: You don't mention your age or if you are using prescription birth control, but changing hormones levels could be the cause. I don't know which hormones are responsible for increased nipple and breast sensitivity. You might do a web search to find the cause of breasts sensitivity during a women's menstrual cycle. If your nipples were sensitive during and soon after puberty then the cause could have been the hormone spike associated with puberty. If you are nearing menopause then the decreasing production of your ovaries could be the cause. Any mediation that influences your hormone levels could be the cause. I know certain ingredients in food increase breast sensitivity; I believe caffeine is one of them.

Here is a link that does a search on Google for web pages that may have the answers you seek.

Google Search: menstrual cycle breast sensitivity nipples painful

Follow-up Information: I am 20 and I don't use birth control. I am a lesbian.

Follow-up Response: Finding a possible answer wasn't as easy as I had hoped, as you probably know. A possible cause would be a decrease in your testosterone level. I knew it affected the sensitivity of the clitoris and vulva but it also influences the sensitivity of the nipples. If you have experienced a decrease in sexual desire and responsiveness then this is a possible cause.

See the following web pages for more information:

Testosterone: The Story

Testosterone & Women

Some very interesting information can be found on the following page:

‘Cuddle hormone’ Research links oxytocin and socio-sexual behaviors

Follow-up Information: I have an elevated level of testosterone. Twice what it should be. Thanks for the info. I will talk about it with my doctor in more detail now that I have some more facts to go on and to help me ask her the right kind of questions. Thanks again.

Follow-up Response: Another thing to consider is the possibility that the prior sensitivity of your nipples was the abnormal condition and the lack of sensitivity now is the normal condition. Only about 50% of women find their nipples sensitive to erotic touch.

What may have caused the prior increased sensitivity is frictional irritation, commonly called jogger's nipples. It is caused by the nipples rubbing against clothing during exercise. For women it is the rubbing of their nipples against their bra, especially if there is a seam that runs across the center of the cup. If you were involved in a sport or regular exercise one to two years ago but not now that is something to consider. If you have changed the type of bra you wear that could be the reason for the change.

Keep in mind that hormone levels vary significantly from one woman to the next. What may be abnormal for other women could be normal for you. Your high levels of testosterone would only be a reason for concern if there where adverse or undesired side affects like excessive body hair. Over 50% of women believe their level of sexual desire is greater than their peers, so strong sexual desire may be normal rather than abnormal.

If you are taking any medication to regulate your hormone levels that could be the cause of the change too, as could the normal decrease in hormones after puberty and throughout life. The stresses associated with going to college, getting a full time job, and moving out of your parent's house could affect your hormone levels. If you must hide your sexual orientation from friends and family that may cause negative stresses that may adversely affect your health.

Question: Hello, I am a 19 (almost 20) year old female who has a problem with having an enlarged clitoris. Throughout my life I've had a problem with this but it has started to really bother me now that I'm 19 and sexually active. I have found some guys that accept my disorder and others (a lot of them) don't. I've been mistaken for a guy and one time almost got beat up by a guy because he thought I was a dude. And, I mean its not that big...less than 2 inches (between 0.5-1.5). The doctor's say that this is normal with an enlarged clitoris. What do you suppose I do about it, have surgery, leave it alone? And I've always wanted to wear a bathing suit but with a clitoris poking out the bottom is not a very attractive thing to look at. Is there a way to reduce how much it shows under a bathing suit.

Answer: My believe is that you are perfectly normal.

You could have surgery to reduce the size of your clitoris but there is no way of knowing how much nerve damage would be done in the process. It is better to have a large clitoris that works than a small one that doesn't. If you read through the websites that are produced by the intersexed you will see where some women are very upset that their parents had their clitoris reduced or removed when they were a child, because they don't have a working clitoris today. Their parents may have been told by the doctors they would have a normal sex life after surgery but this wasn't true, or their parents where more concerned about appearances than function.

If anything, you should feel fortunate that your parents left your clitoris alone. If your clitoris gives you physical pleasure today imagine what it would be like without that pleasure. If you masturbate to experience pleasure and relieve sexual tension now and did so as an adolescent imagine not being able to do that.

There are women with small clitorises who find that it presents a challenge for them and their partner, because it is hard to locate and stimulate. There are women who wish their clitoris was larger so it would be easier to stimulate or they simply like the looks of a larger one. Your situation is perhaps similar to the ones where a woman with large breasts wishes they were smaller while her peers wish their small breasts were as large as hers.

You will find there are websites and discussion groups dedicated to women with large clitorises so it is a matter of finding a partner who accepts you for who you are. You mention having had multiple sexual partners and this may be more of the problem than your large clitoris; not that multiple partners is a problem in of itself. You need time for your partner to get to know you, and you them, so you feel comfortable telling them about your clitoris before they see or touch it. You may need to educate your partner by referring them to websites that mention large clitorises to see how they respond before you explore sex with them The fact that you cannot engage in casual sex with a new acquaintance should not be considered much of a handicap, as from a health perspective you probably shouldn't be doing this anyway.

When I see photos of female body builders who I know to have an enlarged clitoris, as a result of steroid use, their clitoris is not at all visible when they wear their tiny bikinis, even if they remove some or all of their pubic; pubic hair tends to prevent swimsuits from slipping between the outer labia. Many women have large inner labia that project beyond their outer labia and while they may share your anxiety their labia are not visible under their swimsuit either. Consider this, if you had large breasts would this prevent you from wearing a bikini even if you knew people would stare at them? Perhaps you shouldn't care if they see your clitoris?

Please see the following information about the clitoris.

A Photographic Guide to the Female Genitals

Photographs of the Vulva

Clitoral & Labial Size

I can't find my girlfriend's clitoris, can you help me find it?

I would not recommend clitoral reduction, as mentioned on the page linked to below:

I'm really self-conscious about my large clitoris and could use some advice.

In the PDF file linked to below they mention that clitorises that have been surgically altered don't work nearly as well as those that haven't.

The effect of clitoral surgery on sexual outcome in individuals who have intersex conditions with ambiguous genitalia

Question: My breasts are frequently very tender throughout my menstrual cycle. Can you explain why? When my partner stimulates them during sex I feel pain rather than pleasure.

Answer: There are several possible reasons why your breasts are tender. What you eat and wearing a bra are two possible causes. Here are some links to information that may be of help.

http://www.wdxcyber.com/mbrpain.htm

http://www.cpmc.org/services/women/breast/breast_about.html

You and your partner may need to experiment to see if you can use the sensitivity of your breasts to your benefit. While it may hurt if they squeeze or press on them gentle caresses may feel pleasurable. Try wearing a bra made of thin fabric or some form of sexy night shirt and then have them lightly caress and orally stimulate your breasts through it. You both may need to lay on your side during sex, spooning, rather than allowing him to lie on top of you. If movement of your breasts also causes discomfort during sex try kneeling on all fours with your breasts supported by a couple pillows.

Question: I came across this: qa_7/qa7_1.htm in your FAQ, and it has me a little concerned because I've only reached orgasm through my vibrator pressed directly against my clit, on its highest vibration setting. Why is this not recommended?

Maybe it would help to know a little about me:

- Since puberty always masturbated roughly and vaginally
- No sensation in clitoris, saw area as a bit gross
- Always had very sexual thoughts - no problems with desire
- My clitoris is very small and hidden. I have to pull back so much hood and other skin to get at it. My boyfriend has never seen it even though he thought he was good at locating clitorises. No wonder I didn't enjoy receiving oral sex!
- My clitoris has two equally sensitive lumps on each labia minor where they meet, kind of resembles a clover. My clit and two lumps on labia. Never seen any pictures like it.
- Since having first boyfriend, pressure to be orgasmic like his ex-girls *rolls eyes*
- Circumstance separates me from my boyfriend at the moment (which is why I have not been able to show him my newly discovered clit) but we will be back together in a few months. I have resumed masturbation and have been trying to have an orgasm (had never previously had one)
- Bonded with my vulva with the help of lots of good advice from your site, and now, with 10 minutes of direct (finger) stimulation on my clit I can get the first signs of pleasure. After 30 more minutes of direct stimulation it starts to get intense, leg shaking, and feelings like electricity... but never a 'climax'
- Tend to get a bit frustrated after an hour and say to my clit "tough sh*t" and reach for my vibrator. Then it takes 30 seconds to reach climax.

I know sometimes I masturbate for the wrong reasons, its just that vaginal masturbation, even with a vibrator just makes me sad because its no where near as good without a penis and it makes me miss my boyfriend unbearably. I've started playing with my clit instead, partly because of pressure to be orgasmic, and because I'm sooo horny but don't want to masturbate vaginally.

I love penetrative sex and am more than happy with just being a pin cushion (sorry for the visual) without orgasm. You might think its weird that I don't care if I have an orgasm or not, but my recent efforts are because I want to know that I can orgasm - pressure from boyfriend etc. He's really happy for me and when we're together again he thinks I will climax every time we have sex, just because I can orgasm now.

I'll have to pop his bubble, I'd prefer to know that I can, but stick to being a pin cushion. I think at least one of his past lovers may have faked orgasm, because he thinks most girls orgasm regularly through intercourse alone (HA) and I am abnormal. No, I'm honest!

Sorry this is so long

Summary of questions I'm asking:

Why is it not recommended to use a vibrator directly against the clitoris?
What are possible reasons my clitoris is so unresponsive to lesser stimuli?
Does my clover clit arrangement sound abnormal?
Do I do any damage when I masturbate so roughly vaginally? Clitorally?
Should I try to wean myself of my vibrator? Its really frustrating to not use it as a backup...
Do you think its weird that I'm not all that interested in my boyfriend giving me an orgasm?

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I really am grateful for your website, it is very valuable, and the advice you offer is way too rare.

You are mostly to blame for my first orgasm! *hugs*

Answer: I am pleased to hear you have enjoyed and benefited from the website. It is always nice to know that I have helped women feel more comfortable with their body.

The caution is a generalization meant to advise young women not to start out with this technique, as a thirteen year old girl could be the one reading the information. The concern is that you may become conditioned to this intense stimulation and become less sensitive to other forms of stimulation. It shouldn't be the starting point when women first explore masturbation. This advice is based on the experiences of other women, and Betty Dodson's recommendation that women place a folded towel between the powerful Hitachi Magic Wand and their vulva. Your vibrator on high could provide less stimulation than the Hitachi on it's low setting. Some vibrators are not very powerful, in comparison to others. When you apply the vibrator to your clitoris for thirty seconds that is less of a reason for concern than when women press their full body weight against their vibrator for thirty minutes or more. The vibrations should provide the stimulation, not the pressure. If you have tried other things and they didn't work then direct stimulation may be the only thing that works for you.

The recommendations for you specifically are as follows. You don't want to use the same technique every time or insist on experiencing orgasm. Start out with your fingers and explore the pleasures they and your vulva can give you. Allow your fingers to dance amongst the folds of your vulva. Then use the vibrator on your outer labia and slowly move it towards your clitoris. Go for the slow build up of tension and use the direct clitoral stimulation as the final trigger, as you have been doing. Wearing your fingers out every time could be just as bad as using the vibrator for direct stimulation for extended periods, because over time masturbation would become more like work than fun.

When they and their partner cannot access their clitoral glans some women have their clitoral hood trimmed or removed, but this should be your last option. Perhaps if you keep stretching the hood so you can see your clitoral glans it will become more elastic with time allowing for easier access. The more you use your clitoris, get it engorged with blood, the larger it may become with time, making it easy to see, access, and stimulate. You may want to read about clitoral adhesions, linked to below:

Clitoral Adhesions

A girl I knew also did not enjoy oral stimulation of her clitoris until she realized it was very small and hidden under the hood. If she retracted her hood then she found it pleasurable. She had her hood pierced vertically so the jewelry could be used for direct stimulation of her clitoral glans, and the jewelry likely stretched her hood over time.

The Q&A presented above mentions a technique that may help stretch the clitoral hood to allow for easier access to the clitoral glans.

The hooded nature of your clitoris is a possible cause of the lack of sensitivity to genital stimulation, as your clitoral glans is most likely very sensitive. The lack of use, as mentioned on the page written for pre-orgasmic women, is another potential cause. You tried vaginal stimulation as a teen, it worked, so you stuck with it. But on the other hand, natural diversity among women kind of dictates clitoral stimulation isn't going to work for everyone, or that every penis is equally sensitive to stimulation.

One of the primary reasons women give for faking orgasm, in a survey on the website, is to make their partner happy, as their partner expects them too. Men don't realize that on average more than 1 out of every 10 orgasms is faked, and only about 50% of sexual activities/techniques/skills/sessions results in orgasm for her. Some women are lucky enough to have an orgasm every time, but most women aren't so lucky.

You and your partner should read the page linked to below, as it addresses the pressure women feel when it comes to their orgasms, and how orgasm is only one form of pleasure. Your boyfriend may need to be made aware of the fact that his prior girlfriend may have faked at least some of her orgasm, or was one of a lucky few. The subject of you not wanting an orgasm every time is addressed there too.

Did She Experience Orgasm?

Others share your experience of enjoying vaginal stimulation more than clitoral stimulation, perhaps because their clitoris is hidden like yours, or painfully sensitive. There is nothing abnormal about your experience or preference.

To help with the emotional aspects now associated with vaginal stimulation during masturbation get a realistic dildo that resembles your boyfriend's penis and name it after him. You can then ask your "boyfriend" to f**k you. If you miss him and this causes you to cry this isn't necessarily bad, and could be beneficial, compared to holding your emotions in. Your masturbation sessions don't need to be devoid of emotions to be beneficial. Sex and specifically vaginal stimulation can be very emotional experiences for women. The physical stimulation may cause the emotional release rather than the emotional longing for your boyfriend. A good cry may help you reach orgasm or fall asleep after orgasm.

Others have written recently to express their concern about the strong emotions they experience during vaginal and/or cervical stimulation. The reason for this is potentially the fact that different nerve bundles supply the clitoris and internal organs, and some people have speculated one nerve bundle results in a more emotional response because of where it ties into the spinal cord and brain.

You probably should experiment with clitoral and vaginal stimulation at the same time, with and without the vibrator.

I know some have claimed that some women have a super sensitive spot on their clitoris, identified by numbers on the face of a clock. I have never mentioned this on the website, as no rule applies to everyone, despite what some claim. These areas of sensitivity may correspond to the bumps on your inner labia, the ones located at their junction with your clitoris. This junction is called the frenulum. Women write to me all the time to tell me about how their vulva is different from anything they have ever heard about and want to know if they are normal. Every vulva is unique, and given their development is a metamorphosis anything is possible; that is your genitals could just as easily look male as female, and everything in-between. Just look at the diversity revealed in the Body Image section of the website.

If you were doing something harmful to your body it would tell you. If you used too much force during vaginal stimulation you would have experienced pain and bleeding, especially after the fact. While the vulva and vagina are delicate in a way, easily nicked, cut, and irritated during sex, they can also allow a full term baby to pass through them and recover from the process, indicating they are not so delicate.

I would expand your use of the vibrator rather than stop using it. That is, use it for less intense stimulation and for a longer build up to orgasm, but continue to experiment with your fingers and getting your clitoris to come out of hiding. Don't use your fingers for so long it becomes frustrating or uncomfortable. If you need and want to use the vibrator to experience orgasm during partnered sex then do so, but again, continue to experiment with other forms of stimulation and don't try to have an orgasm every time, especially if you don't want or need to. Don't make sex work.

As I mention on the website, in the sexual response flow chart linked to on the page about orgasm, women tend to have sex for emotional and non-sexual motives rather than sexual motives so orgasm isn't necessarily required to fulfill their needs and to leave them satisfied and feeling fulfilled. If all you wanted was an orgasm it would likely be easier to masturbate than initiate partnered sex. Getting nuts and bolts guys to understand this is going to be a bit of a challenge. They like the green light, she's horny so begin, and red light, she's had an orgasm, so stop, concept of sex. There are no clear rules that apply to female sexuality which leaves everyone a bit confused, if they are willing to admit to it.

Question: I have been married to my wife for 18 years and recently we have separated but trying to work things out. She went out dancing with girlfriends and came home with a lot of drinks in her and she wanted me to perform oral sex which I did. In the process I noticed when I inserted my fingers that it was like a giant cave inside which has never been like that before. It eventually came back to normal. Does this mean she had sex with somebody else before she came home? Don't understand why it was like this?

Answer: I cannot say much about this subject other than another guy experienced the same after his girlfriend had been out drinking with friends. It may be the affects of the alcohol.

Question: Here is my problem. I've got a girlfriend who has had a lot of surgery.. Her kidney had been a lifelong problem of her.. and she has a lot of scars to prove it (not that I mind though) but then she got another kidney transplanted and all was well.. so she started to focus on other things in her life.. and she and I hooked up.. I'm her first real boyfriend.. after a while we started having sex..

But I notice she is not that sensitive at all.. I've been with other girls.. but this one is something different.. I can forget about the clitoral hood.. direct stimulation is the only thing that works.. and even then I have to push really hard and sometimes use the underlying bone to flip the clit from side to side.. even then its virtually impossible to get her to orgasm.. she does tell me its very close.. but no orgasm.. the other method she enjoys is vaginal stimulation.. problem is the way she wants it my penis has to an L shape.. it did work one time though, but my dick was very sore after that.. rug burns and all.. sex is ok, but when I want her to get anywhere near an orgasm during sex I have to let my dick get bruised..

My theory about why she is not that sensitive is because of all the surgery done to her.. but she does still have feeling, that's why I am wondering

Are there methods of increasing sensitivity in the clitoris?

Is there a way I don't have to bend my penis in an L shape and still have the same result..

Maybe another idea or technique.. I've tried to ask her if I could try out some things.. but something like a vibrator is apparently out of the question..

I've seen an infomercial on some weird flask with some stuff in it which apparently increases sensitivity.. don't believe it too much though.. Don't think that some kind of diluted menthol oil would be productive either.. so I'm kind of out of ideas..

Please help,

Answer: Those with chronic medical conditions may become detached from their body, or at least at odds with it, especially if it causes them chronic pain or discomfort. Frequent clinical exams can cause an aversion to touch, or they are not familiar with physical touch of a un-clinical nature. You may need to explore full body massages on a regular basis to help her connect with her body and to be open to intimate touch, that is trusting enough to let her guard down. Scars may cause her to be self-conscious and unable to relax when she is undressed.

Medications she is taking, like the anti-rejection medication, could adversely affect her reproductive and sexual health. You would have to look up the potential side affects to see what affect they may have on her sexuality. The symptoms you describe are frequently reported by women without your girlfriend's medical history, so it may have no bearing at all.

One way of gaining an understanding of how she likes to be stimulated is to watch her masturbate to orgasm, assuming she does and is able to do so. If she is able to masturbate to orgasm then that indicates her body is in full working order. While you may like the idea of bringing her to orgasm yourself on a more frequent basis reality may dictate she needs to take matters into her own hands, literally. This is true for many couples.

I presume she enjoys G-Spot stimulation and you are having trouble stimulating it with your penis during intercourse. What you can try is elevating her hips with pillows so your penis is pointing up into her rather than down. You can also reach down and hold your penis in your hand and then guide it so it rubs against her G-Spot, the front wall of her vagina. You can also try having intercourse in positions where she is above you, like on different pieces of furniture in the house. Many women report they experience increased pleasure when penetrated from behind, as their partner's penis is more likely to rub the front wall of their vagina. You may have to experiment with different angels, raising or lowering her hips, to find a position that works best for her.

You penis may not be the best thing to use to stimulate her G-Spot. Your fingers or an appropriate shaped dildo, thick glass ones work very well, may work better than your penis. You may want to bring her to orgasm before you engage in intercourse so there is less strain on you. She may enjoy intercourse even if she doesn't experience orgasm, as long as her need for orgasm is met before or after this activity.

I am not aware of any proven substances you can buy over the counter that will increase her sensitivity. While some things may work they charge too much money for what you are getting; in my opinion. There are no control over these products. There may be only trace amounts of the ingredients that are claimed to increase sensitivity in them. You can experiment with some of the warming lotions but don't presume they will work. If they work great, if not, nothing lost, other than some money. Research has found psychological factors prevent physical remedies, like Viagra, from working consistently for women. Some people are using these products to get rich, not help women have orgasms.

Question: I just read the article about how form-fitting clothing is bad for your body, and while I don't wear form fitting clothing, I do wear sports bras all the time. And especially when I was younger I used to sleep in them a lot. I was wondering if this could have affected how my breasts respond to stimulation. Because I don't respond to my breasts being stimulated. Is there any way this could be the reason? Or am I just one of the 50% or so that doesn't respond to that? Is there anything I can do to fix it? Thank you.

Answer: While there is some research that indicates wearing a bra could cause medical problems I am not aware of any connection between their use and decreased sensitivity. I would guess it is possible. When bras are worn for more than twelve hours a day they may cause breast disease. If this is true, then it seems possible they could cause problems with the nerve pathways and sensitivity too. The tightness of the bra would be a major factor in how they may affect the breasts. A loose fitting sports bra would not be as bad as a tight fitting bra with ridged cups and an under-wire. The more shaping and supporting they did the greater the potential influence they would have on the breasts. If your bra only covered your breasts then there would only be a lack of stimulation from movement and contact with clothing and air. Perhaps the constant pressure of a bra on the breasts may decrease the sensitivity of the breasts, by increasing the amount of stimulation required before the brain detects it. Perhaps the brain would learn to tune out constant stimulation, such as the pressure caused by the bra. When you started wearing a bra it may have been uncomfortable and distracting but with time you simply learned to be unaware of this, unless they caused a certain amount of discomfort, as your brain learned to tune out the associated stimulation.

I don't know if you can increase the sensitivity of your breasts. The number of nerve endings is fixed so all you could do would be to try and increase the strength of those nerve pathways, and your awareness of when your breasts are being stimulated. This may be done by regular, one or more times a day, stimulation of your breasts through massage and other types of physical stimulation. You would probably want to go without a bra while at home so your breasts would be exposed to less pressure throughout the day and more frictional stimulation from clothing and air. When showering or bathing get in the habit of massaging your breasts with your soapy hands, and then after bathing and before bed massage lotion or oil into them. Also experiment with stimulating your breasts when you masturbate. Collect different types of fabrics, cotton, wool, silk, etc., and caress your breasts with them. You might try ice and a soft bristled tooth brush. Gently, or not so gently, tweak and pull on your nipples and the skin of your breasts, etc. Keep in mind the sensitivity of your breasts may change as your hormone levels change during your menstrual cycle, so what doesn't work today may work tomorrow or next week. Do these activities in front a mirror when possible, as the visual feedback may help with making a connection. I wouldn't expect immediate results, but perhaps over time.