I am 33 years old and my wife is 37 years old, we have been married nearly 8 years and have two wonderful little girls, their ages are 3 and 4 years old. Since my girls were born we have had trouble finding / making time for each other sexually. I truly get the most enjoyment sexually by making her happy sexually. I just love watching her body twist and turn with excitement. Before we were married and for sometime afterward, we were very active sexually. But the last few years it has dropped to nearly nothing. I can say that I have gone 6 months at times with no sexual contact an is not unheard of to go 3 months between on the average. Even then my wife enjoyed being intoxicated when we did have sex, but even that got old for me. Knowing that she couldn't bring herself to be with me when she is sober. About 1 year ago we were fooling around (we had been drinking) and she brought up using a vibrator to enhance the moment. I had mixed feeling on this; initially I thought it would be great seeing my wife this way. Then after watching her I felt like I had been replaced. We talked about it afterwards and she assured me that she had only used it a couple times before we were married but it never worked for her. But being suspicious I began to watch it and note if she used it. Come to find out she uses it fairly regular. I still get a sick feeling in my stomach when I see that she has used it rather than using me, or even invite me to use it on her. I don't mind that she uses it, just that I am not involved. Keep in mind that if we have sex once every three months that is doing pretty good for us. I know she uses the vibrator at least once a week that I know of. My wife and I have never cheated on each other as far as I know and I don't think she ever would. I know I never will and I have told her that. I asked her once if she was masturbating and she gave me a strong "NO, I am not masturbating."
I guess my question is "What should I do?" or "Should I tell her that I know she is masturbating."
Answer: The best thing to do is be supportive. Instead of confronting her about using the vibrator buy her a copy of Betty Dodson's book. Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving, listed in the books section of the website. Giving her this book will show you support her masturbation and hopefully she will feel more comfortable about doing it and she will perhaps admit to masturbating. If she does not have a good vibrator, buy her one. You might also buy her a nice silicone dildo or other sex toys. Keep in mind that she is responsible for her pleasure not you.
The fact that she was more sexual when intoxicated indicates she may not be totally comfortable with her sexuality and perhaps her body. There is a chance she may have frequently faked her pleasure in the past, or is now unable to experience orgasm without the vibrator. The hormonal changes that occur during and after pregnancy can cause a decreased desire and responsiveness. In some women, the level of testosterone in their system does not return to its original level after pregnancy; the cause of this is unknown.
When you have a family, you need to make time for sex. The time to have sex is not at bedtime, but in the morning or at lunchtime. If she is a stay at home Mom, she likely masturbates in the morning before the kids get up or when they are taking a nap. If you wait until you are both tired, it will not work.
Be supportive and romantic. Buy flowers on occasion and take her out on a date. Do not expect sex. Be affectionate, try to hug her more than once each day and this includes being affectionate in front of your daughters to they can feel comfortable with physical affection.
I recommend learning to give a massage. Get a good massage book, not one about erotic massage, and try to schedule thirty minutes each week to give her a massage. Again, do not expect sex.
At some point you will need to sit down and explain you concerns and feelings. It may be uncomfortable and unpleasant, but necessary. Explain you want to give her pleasure and fulfill her needs. Do not talk about yourself or what you want. Find out what she wants. Try the book first and then go from there.