Question: I found your website very helpful but was hoping you might be able to answer a question regarding hormones. I am twenty years old and very rarely have my period. I was told by a doctor that I may have hypothyroidism [hypo- means low or insufficient] and I find it very difficult to get "turned on." I am a virgin and (according to my doctor) very tight. I am very worried that I will not enjoy sex and have a hard time pleasuring myself. When I masturbate I find myself fantasizing about females even though I do not find females that I meet sexually attractive and really want to be in a relationship with a man. It only takes me probably 30 seconds to a minute to "orgasm", which I am not even sure if I am. Could this all be related to my thyroid or is there some other reason I do not feel very sexual?

Answer: I am not a doctor so I can only provide general information not a medical diagnosis.

Here is what a recent article in the Journal of Sexual Medicine had to say on this subject:

"While peer review literature reports some contributions of thyroid disease to men's sexual dysfunction, there were no papers found evaluating sexual function and dysfunction in women complaining of either hypothyroidism or hyperthyroidism. Preliminary data has recently been reported regarding 48 women with thyroid disease... Women complaining of thyroid problems had lower scores for both lubrication and the orgasm domain of the FSFI [Female Sexual Function Index] compared with the control group, and dysthyroidal women reported significantly higher genital pain during coital and noncoital sexual activity than control..."

While this isn't much information it does indicate that you should find out if you truly have a thyroid problem. At a minimum you want to find out why you experience amenorrhea, an absence of menstruation. Balanced hormones are essential to a woman's sexual health. Has your doctor check your hormone levels? Estrogen and testosterone are essential to the health of your vulva and vagina, and testosterone is essential to your sex drive.

70% of women in a survey on the website report they have thought about, imagined, or fantasized about having sex with another woman. If you read through the shared masturbation experience many heterosexual women fantasize about sex with women when they masturbate. So don't worry about it, it doesn't mean anything.

Your vagina being tight could be the result of an intact hymen, tensed pelvic muscles, or low estrogen levels. You may want to read the article on virginity and the hymen linked to below:

virgin1.htm

hymen.htm

Sexual desire is addressed on the page linked to below:

desire.htm

If you are not sure if you have experienced orgasm you may want to read the page for pre-orgasmic women linked to below:

tips.htm

This isn't much but I hope it helps.

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Question: I have some extra hymeneal tissue that sticks out from the base of my vagina. The gynecologists says it can be removed, but it would be a purely cosmetic procedure. I was wondering if during intimate contact the extra tissue would freak out my partner. Thank you

Answer: The tissue around and inside the vagina is normally of irregular shape, with bumps, lumps, and skin tags. I doubt a partner would notice, if they do simply explain the facts. There are a couple photos on the page about the hymen linked to below that show these skin tags.

hymen.htm

Photos showing the irregular shape of the vaginal opening can be seen on the following photos.

m_vulva.htm

I do not know the likelihood, but the skin tags could become irritated by intercourse if it happens to become pinched or irritated by the thrusting penis. This is something to keep in mind if you experience unexplained pain or discomfort during sexual intercourse. I would not recommend purely cosmetic surgery on the vulva, as nerve damage is a possibility.

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Question: Hi, I'm a fourteen year old girl. I've been masturbating since about 6 or 7, and it's always been the same method- rubbing up and down a pole or bedpost. I've always pretty much been able to achieve an orgasm, but I would like to get longer and/or more intense ones. After reading your site, I found out two things. First, I think I have experienced "clitoris adhesions", which happen sometimes after I pee. I also decided that I wanted to try and masturbate using my hands. Whenever I have tried to do this (rubbing, tapping, etc.), it sometimes arouses me, but never brings even close to an orgasm. When I try to lift the hood and apply pressure/touch my clitoris, it sometimes even hurts. My question is this: do the adhesions have anything to do with this problem, and how can I bring myself to an orgasm manually? Thanks so much. I have learned so much valuable information about my sexuality from your site.

Answer: I am happy to hear you have enjoyed the website.

I am not a doctor so I can only provide general information not a medical diagnosis.

Clitoral and labial adhesions usually occur before puberty or after menopause. It is unusual for them to form in teens and women who are menstruating. If you are having a regular menstrual cycle then it is unlikely you are experiencing new adhesions. If you still have adhesions after starting to menstruate you should see a doctor, as most often they disappear on their own when the level of estrogen in the body increased during puberty. If you separate clitoral adhesions they should not reform, unless there is open wounds that heal back together, again an indication you need to see a doctor.

You may want to read the page about hygiene linked to below to see if you are caring for your vulva correctly. There are many things that women often do that can irritate their vulva. Your toilet paper if it contains scents and colors could irritate your vulva, as could excess moisture that cannot evaporate away if you wear tight fitting clothing. If you experience burning from the urine then irritation is likely and you should consult a doctor.

hygiene.htm

The rubbing masturbation technique is very common among girls and women. There is nothing particularly wrong with this technique, but it is nice to have other options available.

Others experience the same challenges when they try to learn new masturbation techniques. The rubbing technique may provide quick and easy orgasms, but in the process you may miss out on a lot of the other aspects of sexual arousal. You may expect your body to respond too quickly. Read through the page for pre-orgasmic women linked to below. Do the exercise
recommended for making a connection with your vulva, where you apply an oil and explore touching. Don't try having an orgasm, discover what feels good. Schedule time to explore your body, at bedtime or in the shower. Figure out what feels good. Many women find they simply don't allow enough time.

tips.htm

If you reach orgasm quickly with your current technique in may not allow a lot of sexual tension to develop so the orgasms are not that intense. Learn to prolong your arousal, through touch and mental stimulation. Fantasize about something that arouses you before you try physical touch. Learn to relax. You should also learn Kegel exercises to help familiarize yourself with your pelvic area and they will increase the intensity of your orgasms. They are explained on the page linked to below.

virgin2.htm#kegels

It is normal for the clitoral glans to be too sensitive for direct touch, especially if you are not fully aroused. Apply a massage or vegetable oil to your vulva as a lubricant when you explore touch. You may also want to try wearing your underwear when you caress yourself to provide different types of stimulation that is less intense.

Many women stimulate their nipples to get aroused prior to genital stimulation, but only about 50% of women find their nipples sensitive to sexual stimulation. Others like to stimulate their inner thighs or anal area for pleasure. Explore to see what works for you.

Many women find a vibrator or muscle massager helps them to experience orgasm easier. Perhaps when you are older you will be able to try one of these, though many teens use them too.

If you rub against something try leaving your cloths on to reduce the amount of stimulation or place a small folded wash cloth or thick sanitary napkin in your underwear to act as padding. Use less intense stimulation and more time, and use your mind too. Observer things like how much pressure you are using, the position of your legs and the amount of tension in your thighs and legs. How is this different from when you use your hands?

I wish there was an easy solution to your situation but there simply isn't. You need to discover what works or doesn't work for you.

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Jump to Answer

Question: To Whom it May Concern... Brad, I think your name is, right?

I don't really know how the email process works here... I assume you get tons all the time, I really appreciate your looking mine over. I think your web site is amazing, I've looked there a few times for advice.

My name is Elle, I'm a 20 year-old female. I know you get questions on what I'm about to ask you all the time-- that's why there are sections dedicated to it on the site. But I hope that maybe you've heard a case like mine in specific, and could help me in that way.

So here goes... background info, in case you think it's important: I grew up in a very loving family. In fact, I'm in college but I'm very, very close to them (grandparents, too). I have an older brother, who is mentally disabled. We never really talk much about sex in my family... but I know it is preferred that I wait until marriage to have sex.

I'm not one of those girls that discovered masturbation at a really young age. I knew nothing about any of that- nor was I interested. I started dating my best guy friend about 4 years ago, and I wanted to stay a virgin (I'm still with him, and I'm still a virgin). So basically I tried to not let him touch me too much, and I just gave him manual/oral sex for about 2 years. Then he started the same things on me. He tries on me, but it never works out. I don't really like oral sex... something about the feeling annoys me. I think his fingers are too big and it hurts when he tries fingering me (or maybe I'm putting too much of the blame on him...) But it's been 4 years of him being satisfied, and me never, and now I am interested in being pleasured myself.

I have tried SO hard to make myself feel good... and it works to a certain extent. But my boyfriend seems to be the only thing that really arouses me (that probably makes sense, right?) I've tried every position on myself... clitoral stimulation, using lube, every hand motion...I've asked my two best girl friends (who are apparently experts). I've watched porn and tried, I've read sexy stories....nothing is working so far. I try to keep an open mind and stay positive (and not masturbate for the "goal") but that's really hard to do sometimes. I can't seem to make up a scene/fantasy in my mind for long enough to masturbate and keep it feeling good- my friends tell me this is important. So porn may help a little, but not enough.

Now for the more physical aspects: So you know I'm a virgin... but I guess I'm stretched enough for 2 fingers to fit. I think I have a really small clit... teeny, really. It gets harder if I stimulate it manually, otherwise, I don't think it does. This is hard to explain, but: when you pull the hood up (which is small too) there's this like tight circle right around the clit. I think that this means the clit is a little bit attached to the labia minor (inner lips?) on the bottom, below the clit, and if you pull the hood up it's exposed, but everything pulls tight-- do you kind of know what I mean? Anyway, this circle around the clit is painful to touch directly. But with indirect touch, I feel nothing. Once in a while I get a pang of good sensation when I pull the hood up (takes a lot of left hand strength... I'm like pulling the whole thing up so everything is flat, kind of) and push right on the clit (ignore the pain) and move it side to side. But the pain takes over, or that good pang goes away. On the sides, I feel very little. The tight hole formed around my clit when the skin is pulled up is a problem because going up and down on the sides hurts a little. By the way, side note, I only seem to get wet for my boyfriend, but I use lube for myself. Anyway, does this sound like a "clitoral adhesion" to you? I hope not, but why would it be so annoyingly painful (not sharp pain, not agony, just enough to turn me off)?

I went to my college's Gynecologist the other week, but she pretty much sent me away because I'm a virgin, so she thought the tests would be useless. Should I go back to have her look at this? It looks normal... just like one of the pictures on your site, but with a small clit. (Although, do you have any like those, with the skin pulled up, so I can see if there is that tight half-ring?)

I'm looking at vibrators on your site. They are kind of the last resort... I'm almost scared to use them because I may be disappointed. And then what? I'll order them soon (a finger one).

Here are a few more questions: Do you think I need to find something that turns me on more? Because I don't really have beastly urges ever, unless I'm intimate with my boyfriend. Should I try finding my G-Spot even though I'm a virgin? When my boyfriend tries, it makes me feel like I have to pee... even if I've already peed recently... and that feeling doesn't really go away.

I've spent about 2 hours a night trying my best for about a week now, and nothing has come of it (pun intended... sorry, you probably get that all the time). Not even intense feeling like I might have to come. Sometimes I get hot temperature wise when it feels a little bit good... but never anything like I tense up, or my toes curl, or I feel like there is too much tension to handle. So frustrating!!!

This has been a long email, I thank you so very much for reading it all. Feels good to get this all out to someone who knows what they're doing! I will continue trying in any case. Please feel free to use my information on your site in any way. I will keep you updated if you want, and you can use that information, too.

*Anxiously awaiting your reply!* Thank you SO much again!!!

Answer: You have brought up a subject that I have mentioned briefly in prior writings but have not addressed in detail, until now.

First we must consider whether you experience an absence of sexual desire, or an absence of an awareness of your sexual desire. Sexual desire influences the frequency and ease of sexual arousal. The greater the level of sexual desire, the less stimulation one or more of your five senses require to get you sexually aroused. Sexual desire can be experienced physically and/or mentally. Physical sexual desire is most often indicated by spontaneous or uncontrollable physical sexual arousal. Mental or psychological sexual desire is often indicated by spontaneous and uncontrollable sexual thoughts and fantasies. You have sexual thoughts without trying or wanting to; they may very well be distracting. Sexual desire may compel you to be near a sexual partner. The frequency of wet dreams, sexual dreams while sleeping, is a good indicator of innate sexual desire. Women may experience physical and mental indications of sexual desire at the same time, or independently. A woman with impaired pelvic blood flow may experience mental arousal but not vaginal lubrication or blood engorgement of her genitals.

Some women do not experience primary sexual desire that motivates them to seek out sexual experiences, but rather, secondary sexual desire that results from sexual activities they participate in. Non-sexual needs, or the wishes of their partner, motivates them to participate in sex. Once the sexual activity and stimulation commences, their initial reflex physical sexual arousal results in a desire for continued sexual activity, and a greater level of arousal, and ultimately orgasm. Their responsiveness to sexual stimulation may be an indication of their sexual desire at the time.

Sexual desire, or receptivity to sexual activity, may alter a woman's behavior, rather than trigger obviously sexual feelings and actions. Read more.

Men perhaps have it easier, because it is almost impossible to overlook a six-inch erect penis between your legs. If a stiff breeze or a woman walking by results in an erection, they know they are horny. Sexual arousal is perhaps a lot more ambiguous for some women, because for one thing, their erection is much less visible and projecting. There may be less distinct physical indications of sexual arousal for women. They may have to think about it, and not be distracted by other stimuli, physical and mental, if they are to be aware of their arousal. They may need to focus on their arousal, to be aware of it.

The first physical indication of sexual arousal is most often vaginal lubrication, at least based on research conducted in a laboratory. When you consider the fact that the vagina may not be highly sensitive, and is normally moist, increased wetness may not be immediately obvious to a woman. If you are swimming in a lake when it starts to rain, do you feel any wetter? Perhaps the amount of lubrication has to become sufficient for it to reach the vulva, for a woman to become aware of it. Since the vulva is also moist, increased moisture may not always be immediately obvious here either. Are women always aware of the onset of menstruation, of when the first drops of menses reach their vulva, or only when their underwear becomes wet, or they see the blood? The instrumentation used to measure increased vaginal wetness during scientific studies may be more sensitive to changes in vaginal wetness than a woman's mind and body.

While 86% of participants in the survey that looks at sexual arousal on this website say they notice a physical change in their clitoris during sexual arousal, 7% do not, nearly 1 out of 10. Fifteen percent do not become aware of their vulva becoming engorged with blood, and 14% are not aware of a change in the temperature of their vulva during sexual arousal. Thirty-six percent report vaginal lubrication occurs some time after they are initially sexually aroused. This would indicate vaginal lubrication is not the first indicator of arousal for them, as they are aware of their arousal prior to being aware of increased vaginal lubrication. This data would seem to indicate the significant possibility of women not being aware of when they experience physical sexual arousal, at least initially. They may have to think about it, be prepared for it, and want to be, before they (can) acknowledge it. There may need to be a desire for desire.

Thirty-five percent of the women, 1 out of 3, indicate sexual arousal is more mental than physical.

There exists the possibility that some women subconsciously block out their sexual arousal. Their mind may only make them aware of their arousal when and if it is deemed appropriate. If a woman is not permitted to be sexual, and to experience sexual desire, her mind may choose to fulfill that expectation of her. If your family expects you to wait until marriage to become sexual, with a partner, is it possible your mind will overlook sexual arousal outside that context? Perhaps on a subconscious level you don't want to be a sexual person, a woman who experiences sexual desire and arousal, frequently and uncontrollably; you want to remain in control. Perhaps you only experience sexual arousal with your partner because you believe it would be inappropriate to at other times. Traditionally, women were expected to have sexual feelings for only one person, their husband, and their partner was the only one who could initiate sex. If you don't feel masturbation is truly appropriate for you, will you want to become sexually aroused while doing it? If you are motivated to masturbate for academic or logical reasons, will that overcome the psychological barriers that may exist? The brain is the largest and most complex sexual organ, and it controls how and if, we experience sexual desire and arousal.

Research studies have found women experience physical sexual arousal much more often than they indicate they do, or are aware of, when they are shown videos of an erotic nature. If a woman believes the erotic scenes she is shown should not be sexually arousing, will she be open to the possibility of her arousal? If a woman only permits herself to be exposed to erotica she feels is appropriate, does that guarantee her subsequent arousal? Not if the subject matter is not of a sexual nature in her psychological makeup. If she only views romantic imagines of kissing, will that guarantee her arousal? If her psychological makeup is such that scenes depicting taboo subjects will be the most arousing, will she ever experience this response, if she never permits herself to be exposed to those images? What if she only allows herself to have sexual thoughts about socially acceptable sexual activities, which in some societies is penile/vaginal intercourse, solely for the purposes of conception? What if her sexual partner is not chosen with sexual motives in mind? Does doing the right or expected guarantee sexual desire and arousal? If anything, doing the wrong and taboo results in the greatest sexual response, and perhaps the greatest confusion.

Factors that may influence a woman's perception of sexual arousal:

Biological:

Fatigue
Depression
Negative affects of medication
Reduced sex hormone activity
Less frequently: Hyperprolactinemia or Hypothyroidism

Psychological:

Distractions of daily living
Fear of negative outcome: dyspareunia or partner dysfunction (i.e. impotence or premature ejaculation)
Fear of pregnancy and STIs
Confirmation of infertility
Past negative experiences
Inexperience
Feelings of shame or embarrassment

Source: Assessment and Management of Women's Sexual Dysfunctions: Problematic Desire and Arousal Journal of Sexual Medicine Volume 2 Number 3 2005

If a woman cannot trust her mind to tell her when she is experiencing sexual arousal, how will she know if she is? If a woman looks at or reads erotic material and does not feel as though she is sexually aroused, how does she know for sure? If the pathways between the genitals, vagina, and mind are in someway impaired or block, another form of feedback must be found. She may then need to use her hands and eyes to make that determination.

As a side note, during partnered sex, a woman may not feel as though she is sexual aroused, but her partner could be aware of increased vaginal wetness and genital blood engorgement. (Her arousal could be a "reflex" response to their physical stimulation.) The information her partner is receiving is that she is enjoying their efforts, and is very aroused, while she is feeling absolutely nothing. A woman's body may be sending two different messages, one to her partner and another to her brain, or her brain blocks out the information it receives from her body. This may be the reason behind some of the letters I receive from women, which mention how their partner continually does things that does not sexually arouse them, or that do not result in pleasure for them. Men are told that if a woman is wet, they must being doing something right, so keep doing it. In this situation, the woman becomes increasingly frustrated, while the guy is totally pleased with his affect on her.

Here is an exercise for you to try. Schedule some quiet time alone, when you will have a half hour or more of uninterrupted time to yourself. Collect some erotica of a visual and/or written nature. You can also sit in front of your computer and type "hot sex" into a search engine and expose yourself to random forms of erotica, perhaps sexual activities and ideas you would not voluntarily do otherwise. Wear as little clothing as possible, while still feeling comfortable, physically and mentally. Ensure your clothing allows easy access to your vulva and vagina. Dim the lights, relax, take several deep breaths, and do a mental check to see if you are relaxed. If you don't feel relaxed or aren't sure if you are, see the information on relaxing on the page for pre-orgasmic women.

Now cup your vulva and take a mental note of its temperature and wetness. Then slip your fingers between your inner and outer labia and note their temperature and wetness. Locate your clitoris, and do the same. Is it erect/firm or flaccid? Now slip or attempt to slip a finger into your vagina. Are you wet enough for this to happen? Your current menstrual state will likely influence the wetness and slipperiness of your vagina, when you are not sexually aroused. Do you feel sexually aroused? If you have a digital or infrared thermometer you might try measuring the temperature of your vulva and vagina; I don't know if this will actually work but it is worth a try.

Now spend fifteen minutes looking at or reading the erotica. Don't touch your vulva; use your hands to hold the erotica or to type on the keyboard, etc. After the fifteen minutes has passed, do you feel sexually aroused? Is your mind telling you that you have experienced vaginal lubrication, genital blood engorgement, and/or changes in your clitoris? Now examine your vulva and vagina, as described above, and see if your mental perception of your level of arousal and the physical indication of your arousal match?

If your level of physical arousal matches your perceived level of arousal, then in the given situation, there is no barrier to you knowing if you are sexually aroused. If you are sexually aroused and your mind and body have told you so, great, you are ready to move on. If you are not sexually aroused, time to try different forms or types of erotica. Get an erotic NC-17 or adult video and repeat the exercise. Pick random subjects rather than something you believe will arouse you. If you have been reading a romance novel you got at your local book store, get a collection of erotic stories, like one of Nancy Friday's books about sexual fantasies. Want to walk on the wild or forbidden side, get a book by Pat/rick Califia. If you believe you are totally heterosexual, get some lesbian porn, or visa versa. Keep repeating the exercise until you find erotica that sexually arouses you, or know for sure nothing works.

If your fingers tell you that you are sexually aroused but your mind is telling you that you aren't, then use your fingers to educated your mind to know what it feels like to be sexually aroused. When you are sexually aroused physically, explore your vulva and vagina with your fingers and note what they feel like to your fingers, and what they feel like when touched. Now remove your fingers and visualize how your vulva feels. How does your vulva feel when your fingers are touching it compared to when they are not? Do you feel the wetness and blood engorgement when your fingers are removed? If not, use your fingers to determine the sensitivity of your vulva and clitoris. Compare their sensitivity to that of your arm, thighs, breasts, nipples, lips, etc. If your vulva and clitoris are more sensitive to touch than the other parts of your body, then work on educating your mind by doing the exercise repeatedly and frequently. You may need to learn how to experience sexual arousal, perhaps having learned to block the sensations at a young age.

If there is a lack of sensitivity, it is time to have your hormone levels checked, to look into the possible side affects of all the prescription and nonprescription medications and birth control you may be using, your overall health, and that you are at an appropriate weight, rather than a desired weight. You need to have your male and female sex hormones checked to see that they are at appropriate levels. You want to know if you are physically healthy, and not adversely affected by things you are putting into your body, or not putting into your body. The page about sexual dissatisfaction addresses many of the possible physical causes of decreased sexual ability. Also consider your mental health. Do school, job, partner, parents, life, bills, etc stress you out? If stress exists then you need to get rid of it, before you can continue to work on your sexual health.

In your letter you mention wanting to remain a virgin, and have limited your sexual activities and experiences as a result. If you have not engaged in intercourse to fulfill the expectations of others, you may want to find reasons that you yourself believe in and support. If you are permitting sexual activities only to keep your boyfriend happy, and to fulfill his wishes, you may need to consider your wants and needs first, because any conflict between your expectations of yourself, and the real you, may adversely affect your sexual pleasure. If you want to be a "good girl" but are being a "bad girl," it may be hard for you to enjoy being a bad girl. If you don't want to be sexual, but are sexual, that could be a problem.

The pages about virginity provide advice on preparing the vagina for intercourse, on how to stretch your hymen, and control, relax, and strengthen your pelvic muscles. Many young women find inserting fingers and objects into their vagina uncomfortable or painful. The discomfort or pain indicates your body is unhappy with what is happening to it, and it could be harmed in the process. Pain should never be ignored.

Suppressing your sexual feelings and wants for four or more years could be part of the problem. Goes back to the good girl/bad girl scenario. You may need to give yourself permission to be sexual and to enjoy sex, if you are truly ready to. If you truly feel you should not be having sex, then you shouldn't be.

Concerning your clitoris, you might try working some antibiotic ointment up under your clitoral hood a couple times a day, once in the morning and evening. This will help lubricate the tissues, and perhaps reduce the possible irritation. Then massage your clitoris, by grasping the shaft and glans with your fingertips. If your clitoris is too small to do this, slide a finger alone each side and gently squeeze your fingers together and then move them back and forth repeatedly. This isn't meant to arouse you or to cause pleasure, only to stretch the tissues.

The appearance of your clitoris could simply be the result of a tightly fitting hood. You might try inserting a cotton swab, Q-Tip, lubricated with antibiotic ointment under the hood and then gently move it in a circle while pulling gently outward, stretching the hood in a circle. Be gentle and don't cause yourself pain. You will probably need to use a mirror to see what you are doing, and practice to get the movements right. With time the tissues of your hood may stretch and allow easier access to your clitoral glans. Continuing the stretching you have been doing may help too. I know one woman with a tiny clitoris didn't enjoy oral sex until she and her partner found her hidden clitoris and exposed it during oral sex. You may need to hold your hood out of the way as he licks. Do it for a few minutes at a time to begin with, so you don't get sore or frustrated.

Your clitoris should be attached to your inner labia, the point at which they meet is called the frenum, which is simply the medical name for this attachment. Your tongue has a frenum too. This is mentioned on the page about the anatomy of the vulva, and the page about locating the clitoris in the Q&A section of the website.

I am under the impression they routinely give gynecological exams to women eighteen and older, even if they are a virgin. I know a friend's roommate is a virgin, and she gets gynecological exams, and they insert a speculum into her vagina. Some gynecologists seem to overlook or don't consider a woman's possible virginity during exams. You may need to find another doctor and explain your concerns. While a PAP smear is recommended for women over eighteen, you can simply request they examine your vulva and clitoris.

Many women find they need a vibrator to experience orgasm, or they help them to learn how to experience orgasm. It is better to try one than be frustrated. The Pocket Rocket would be a good choice, as they are small but powerful. The fingertip vibrators have a good buzz, but aren't as powerful. The best one would be the Hitachi Magic Wand, but they are much more expensive, but would last you many years. With the Hitachi you would want to cover your vulva with a small folded towel to dampen the vibrations. It may be too powerful or you don't want to become accustomed to such strong stimulation in the beginning. You are perhaps at the point of needing or requiring a vibrator.

Finding and stimulating your G-Spot is an option, but you may need to work on inserting larger objects into your vagina first. You can try using a single finger to massage the front wall of your vagina to see what happens. It helps to be aroused beforehand, as inserting your finger into your vagina when you aren't aroused could be as pleasurable as inserting a tampon. The feeling of a need to urinate when your boyfriend stimulates your vagina is normal and common.

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Question: Hi, I've got a question that I can't find the answer to anywhere. Please reply because its getting me down.

I've achieved orgasm before during sex, but the last few months haven't been able to at all, for no reason.

I've used a vibrator before and masturbate without one quite frequently and I get this weird feeling instead of an orgasm. I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me. I get the build up but then instead of a pleasurable feeling I just feel contractions down there and I 'jerk' and it doesn't feel like an orgasm, then I feel really sensitive afterwards. This happens so much, and I feel I'm missing out on 'real' orgasms. What can I do?

I do fantasize and get very turned on, so I don't get why I now can't achieve a real orgasm. This has always happened with vibrators and masturbating but not during sex, but now sometimes the same thing happens during sex too. I want the orgasms I used to have when having sex and they've gone away for no reason. I'm not stressed. And I'm in love with who I'm sleeping with. Is there something wrong with me?

How can I stop this happening? I really want to come again, with and without my partner.

Please can you help me with this, is it a medical problem?

Answer: I am not a doctor so I can only provide general information not a medical diagnosis.

I am afraid this is not a situation I am familiar with.

If you are taking medications or prescription birth control they could be the cause, as many impair orgasm. You might mention this to your doctor and request a physical.

Since in the past this occurred only in certain situations, with more intense forms of stimulation, this could indicate you are trying to experience orgasm too quickly. With partner sex it generally takes longer to experience orgasm, the build up is less intense and slower, because of less intense forms of stimulation. It could now be a conditioned response, you fear it may happen so it does. You focus on orgasm and this becomes the barrier, because you fear orgasm wont occur or will be the undesired sensation.

You might test the strength and flexibility of your pelvic muscles, to see how many fingers you can insert and if you can grasp your fingers with them. You want strong flexible pelvic muscles. Loss of pelvic muscle strength could weaken your orgasms. If they are too tight, in contraction, that could be a problem too.

You might consider body position used with each of the sexual activities to see if the position of your body, especially your thighs and pelvis, are a factor.

While a medical or physical cause is a possibility, emotional causes are much more often the cause in cases of female sexual dissatisfaction. This seems more likely to apply in your situation because the problem occurs in one situation but not another. If for example you feel guilty for masturbating this could impair your sexual pleasure while masturbating. If the problem occurred all the time them a physical or medical problem would be more likely.

Sorry that I cannot be of more help.

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Question: I've been told I have a "tight" clitoral hood. What can I do? My clitoris often becomes easily or overly stimulated because my hood is pulled back so tight - my doctor said it looked like it was about to split it was so tight.

Answer: I am not a doctor so I can only provide general information not a medical diagnosis.

Have you tried applying natural oils, vitamin E oil, or an antibiotic ointment to your clitoris one or more times a day? Is your vulva normally dry? The vulva should always be a little moist. There could be material trapped under the hood causing irritation that results in the observed tightness. Using soap or washing too often could be drying out your vulva. Please see the following pages about clitoral adhesions and hygiene:

adhesio.htm

hygiene.htm

You might try using the lubricants mentioned above and grasping your hood with your finger tips and gently stretching it away from the glans several times a day, perhaps each time you urinate, bathe, and go to bed. You can use your saliva if nothing else is available. You should also closely examine your clitoris with a mirror when circumstances permit so you can see how it looks and what is going on.

You may need to have you doctor surgically divide or trim the hood, or remove adhesions.

If your doctor noted a problem why didn't he offer a possible solution??? Perhaps you need to find a new doctor!

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Question: For some reason at any time of the day.. not when I am having sex or getting ready to have sex... but I will just be sitting and watching TV or just walking around or doing whatever and I will feel a bunch of liquid come out of my vagina. The liquid is clear... I hate it because it gets all over the place!!

Answer: Another person reported the same recently. I assume it is spontaneous sexual arousal, something 64% of women in a survey on the website report experiencing. It is a normal experience. When women experience sexual arousal while fully clothed 50% say the fluid reaches their underwear and 39% says it soaks their underwear and/or outer layer of clothing. Here is the link to that survey:

http://www.misterpoll.com/polls/180801/results

I have seen research that indicates women are not necessarily aware of their sexual arousal. Researchers have measured the physical indications of sexual arousal in women even though they did not report experiencing it, when they viewed erotic videos.

Addressing the wetness: wear loose fitting airy clothing so the excess moisture can evaporate away more quickly. Wear cotton underwear and skirts or dresses. You might even try going without underwear so the moisture isn't trapped against your vulva. You might carry an extra pair of underwear with you, thongs fold up very small. Don't use panty liners or the like though. You can read more about caring for your vulva on the page linked to below:

hygiene.htm

If it occurs at specific times in your menstrual cycle then it could be fluids produced by your cervix. You can read more on the following websites:

http://www.fertilityuk.org/nfps401.html

http://www.fertilityuk.org/nfps407.html

http://www.fertilinet.com/Cervical%20Fluid%20and%20Fertility.htm

http://www.ovulation-calculator.com/cervical-mucus.htm

http://www.woomb.org/bom/cervix/

http://www.woomb.org/bom/cervix/cervixImages.html

http://www.sisterzeus.com/cervob.htm

http://www.nfpsoftware.com/mucus.html

Since this is likely a normal and common experience I cannot recommend that you try to stop it.

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Question: My boyfriend and I had sex without a condom for only about 15 seconds on Sunday night. He didn't ejaculate, we just wondered what it felt like without a condom. now Monday night he fingered me, and after he had blood all over his fingers and the bed. Could this possibly be a sign of pregnancy? I have heard that the "old blood" or browner blood is a sign, is that true? Thank you so much for your help.

Answer: I am not a doctor so I can only provide general information not a medical diagnosis.

Before you read the following, let me say that I doubt you are pregnant based on what you said and the information given below.

First, if he was fingering you then he may simply have scratched you, or possibly torn your hymen, even though you aren't a virgin. Minor injuries are not uncommon during sexual activities, I receive many letters asking about this subject. It doesn't take much blood mixed with your vaginal lubrication and sweat to make it look like a lot. Always check his fingers, and your own, before they stimulate your vulva or enter your vagina to ensure there are no sharp edged fingernails etc. The next thing to consider is where you were in your menstrual cycle before becoming too concerned. The risks are explained on the web page linked to below:

qa_8/qa8_2.htm

While not a common experience, the information on the web pages linked to below say it could be what is called "implantation bleeding:" This is reported to be a small amount of pinkish or brownish blood, not fresh red blood.

http://www.targetwoman.com/articles/pregnancy-symptom.html

More facts are given here:

http://www.babyhopes.com/articles/implantation-bleeding.html

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Question: I am a 28 year old healthy female and have been a relationship with my 29 year old boyfriend for three years. While I have "fooled around" with a number of men, he is only the second man I have had sexual intercourse with. In my last relationship, the sex was so hot we could barely keep our hands off of each other, but emotionally the connection was not as deep as I would have liked. My current boyfriend and I share a deep friendship but when it comes to sex...my attraction to him just isn't as strong as I'd like it to be. He is gorgeous (could be a model) and has a nice body. I love the way he looks - I just don't feel the excitement or spark I felt in my past relationships. He tries to please me in every way. In particular I find oral sex uncomfortable with him. When he goes down on me the sensation is sometimes actually repulsive to me. It feels like my whole genital area is way too sensitive. If he even brushes against my clitoris it seems like too much sensation and something about the wetness of his tongue on my vagina feels bad. He has a coarse mustache and beard and I was wondering if this could be a problem? While I've never found oral sex as pleasurable as it seems other women do, it's always been at least pleasurable. I don't know how I can feel this way about someone I love so much and want to be with. Everything else in the relationship is great and I would love to try to make our sex life hot and steamy. I know both of us are willing to try anything. Please help!

Answer: While your current partner may fulfill your emotional needs that does not mean you are sexually compatible. If he is aesthetically attractive that isn't the same thing as sexually attractive. You may be good friends but not good lovers. His model like looks may even intimidate you a little. If the relationship is new and his presence and touch does not sexually arouse you you may not be a good pairing on a sexual level.

You may want to read the following pages about sexual desire and orientation for related information:

desire.htm

orientation.htm

His beard could be the problem during oral sex. Some women like the stimulation caused by the beards, others not. Ask him to use only his tongue, keeping his beard away from you to see how things go, for a few minutes. He can also use his hands as a barrier, forming a triangle with his two hands. You can cover your vulva with a layer plastic food wrap to act like a barrier, which may help with the sensitivity too. Apply some lubricant to your vulva and then cover it with the plastic wrap. You can also leave your underwear on and try underwear of different fabrics, you may prefer indirect stimulation.

Since you have not had wonderful experiences with oral sex in the past you may be apprehensive and as a result not as aroused as you need to be for it to be enjoyable. If you are not sexually aroused the stimulation can be too intense. Do something that arouses you before you permit oral sex. If you can't get aroused because of a lack of sexual compatibility there is little that can be done. If you are uncomfortable with someone using their month to stimulate your vulva you might look into why.

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Question: Hi! First of all, I'd like to say that I love this website. It's been truly informative. Even my boyfriend enjoys it. : )

For a bit of background, I'm 16, and have been masturbating to orgasm at least since I was 8, possibly younger. I can only masturbate to orgasm with my clitoris. For some reason, I can't stimulate my own G-Spot.

On the other hand, I have a difficult time reaching orgasm through clitoral stimulation with a partner (usually only oral works, and sometimes not even that), but have fast, multiple orgasms when my G-Spot is stimulated.

Is there any kind of reason for that?

Another question!

When I masturbate, there is a very definite building, orgasm, and drop.

But when I'm with a partner, I stay as a constant, high level of arousal, experience a quick orgasm, and leap right back up to that high level of arousal. The whole experience seems to blend together. But I know I'm experiencing orgasm, because I can feel my muscles pulsing as they do after I orgasm, and I also get tension headaches if I get highly aroused and don't orgasm. So I'd know if I weren't. Plus, it just feels fantastic.

At the risk of sounding cliché, is this normal?

I just wonder why what I experience with a partner and what I experience when I masturbate are so incredibly different. I'm happy and orgasmic with both of them, but I don't understand why they are so opposite each other.

Answer: Welcome to the wonders and mysteries of sex.

Your experiences do sound typical. There are many possible reasons why. There isn't always an explanation for why things happen as they do and why experiences vary significantly between individuals.

You have to consider all the physical and mental aspects of the different activities. Some activities will be more emotionally comfortable and arousing for you, and on a physical level the type and skillfulness of yourself and your partner become a factor.

During partnered sex the amount of arousal his presence causes will affect your level of enjoyment, and the type of sexual responses you experience. You are young and sex may be very exciting simply because you are doing it. Your partner may incite a high degree of arousal, which carries you from one orgasm to the next. Masturbation may be enjoyable but less arousing on a mental and physical level, partly because you have been masturbating for several years. There are different levels of arousal that result in varying types of orgasmic experiences for women. There isn't one type of orgasmic experience but rather a multitude of them.

When you are able to get a suitably shaped dildo or other object you may be able to stimulate your own G-Spot; your fingers may not be long enough to reach it or the angles simply don't workout.

Whether or not you experience orgasm may be influenced by your comfort level with the given activity. You may be a lot more comfortable with his fingers in your vagina than with his mouth against your vulva. Many women do not experience orgasm during intercourse. For you, rear entry may be more enjoyable since you enjoy G-Spot stimulation or you can get on top and control the angle of penetration.

Basically, whatever works for you is normal for you. The reasons why cannot always be identified. Simply enjoy whatever gives you pleasure.

Be sure to use birth control and condoms as a barrier.