I suspect I will ask more questions later but here goes:
My wife of 8 yrs, mother of a 5 and 2 year old, is extremely difficult if not impossible to arouse, especially after the second large child. She also had an episiotomy. We have a decent relationship, I am affectionate, (perhaps too often, but I am trying to make some non sexual) and we are talking more lately. I help a fair bit with the parenting and some housework. We could improve some here but I'm sure our sexual dysfunction is having an affect on how we perceive our relationship at the moment, so it's a viscous circle it would seem. I find her attractive and tell her so. I think I am but she doesn't say it. I recently met a woman who said she is aroused by just being near me, (a confidence booster at least) so there is potential for problems if we can't get this sorted out. I think she is attracted to confidence, which is lacking in me partly as a result of this issue. She does not masturbate, and so far refuses to let me explore, perhaps because of her conservative upbringing, not sure. I used to express my frustration but have tried to be more understanding as of late, with no change. The rare times she is aroused are when she wakes up from a dream, then wakes me, and it's a frantic affair as she loses it quickly, not resulting in her having an orgasm yet, as far as I know. I feel like a junior high school kid trying to figure it out for the first time. At least through all this, I am getting more educated on how to please a woman, and understand that vaginal stimulation is probably insufficient, but so far she is not willing to experiment in other ways or positions at all.
Could she be afraid to really like it for fear that I may want it all the time? Or fear loosing some sort of control?
After reading many of your answers, I suspected a lack of testosterone. She was good enough to go to the doctor, also concerned for her own long and heavy periods, and asked about hormones. He stated that since her periods were of regular frequency, even though they are longer than usual, she does not have a hormonal issue.
Is his statement true?
He took blood, performed other tests, for which I did not quiz my wife of details, and asked questions. He said there was nothing wrong with her. None of the tests were related to hormones, however.. And that a likely cause of our problems was we needed to spend more time as a couple, away from the children.
I agree we need to become more aquatinted as a couple again, but these problems are not unique to only appearing since the children, as it was frequently difficult for me to arouse her sufficiently before as well, except not as pronounced as now.
I have felt from her that this has been my fault in some way. No doubt, early in our marriage, I lacked experience and understanding of some aspects of how she needed to be treated sexually and emotionally. I am no longer willing to accept however, that I can be held responsible for her lack of arousal, when I am doing what I can to make this work.
I have gone through 8 yrs of marriage beating myself up over it and am now attempting a more pro-active approach.
Answer: First, I only know your side of the story so it is hard to know how to answer your questions. She may have a totally different view of things.
I would recommend first that you mention to your wife the things you mentioned to me. Discuss your feelings and concerns with her. If an affair is likely, it is better to make your wife aware of this now. Yes, she will likely be very upset, but even more upset if you tell her after an affair has occurred. Do not blame her but let her know you need more from the relationship. If the marriage is in jeopardy, the last thing you want to do is deny it.
You cannot change your wife, only she can change herself. Since she has always been relatively non-sexual, I suspect there is no easy fix. If there is no reward in it for her, any change may be short lived. If you pressure her, she may change for a short time, but eventually will revert back to the prior norm.
Buy a copy of Betty Dodson's book Sex for One: The Joys of Selfloving and a Hitachi Magic Wand vibrator, or similar, for your wife. This is especially true if she is pre-orgasmic. You might even want to buy her a copy of one of Betty's videos described on the Orgasm on Video page.
If your wife wakes up aroused from a wet dream and wants to have intercourse, do not permit it. Be firm but encourage her to masturbate or to allow you to manually or orally stimulate her clitoris and vulva. Try to find out what in her dreams is sexually arousing. Obviously the old in-and-out does nothing for her, as is the case for most women.
Your wife is responsible for her sexual pleasure, not you. You cannot force her to experience pleasure.