Questions and Answers About Female Sexuality Volume 31: Questions 311-320

Question: We have on occasion tried some penis plugs. Are these safe or should we stop this use. We cannot seem to find much information on the internet regarding their usage and limitations.

Answer: I don't know if there are risks associated with the use of penis plugs.

During ejaculation the body is attempting to expel sperm from the body. If the urethral opening is blocked then the ejaculate will either remain within the urethra, or if the pressure developed is sufficient to overcome the resistance of the internal urethral sphincter, the ejaculate will enter the bladder. When the ejaculate enters the bladder rather than exiting the penis it is called retrograde ejaculation. The Mayo Clinic website says retrograde ejaculation is not harmful.

The insertion of foreign objects into the urethra could potentially result in infection if the object introduces bacteria or the object causes irritation that weakens the bodies natural defenses against infection. The object may also be pushed up into the urethra or bladder, which would require medical intervention to remove. You would want to ensure the penis plug is thoroughly cleaned and disinfected prior to each use, and is large enough that it cannot be fully inserted into the urethral meatus during vigorous intercourse.

Mayoclinic : Retrograde Ejaculation

Wikipedia: Retrograde Ejaculation

MedlinePlus: Retrograde Ejaculation

Go Ask Alice: Retrograde ejaculation: Can it be 'reversed'?

Question: Hi, my girlfriend and I love your site, it's been of great help! I come to you now though, on behalf of her. She's 18 now, and has never experienced an orgasm. She says she's never felt any need for it. Anytime she's had any kind of sexual thoughts, she has just suppressed them. This wasn't terribly concerning at first, I simply told her she should act upon those feelings if she really wanted to, and will probably make our sex life better. Then I read about how if you don't use certain parts of your body, they can become much less sensitive, and possibly even dysfunctional. This is when it started to become a concern, because she did try to start masturbating. Despite being unable to properly fantasize, and an aversion to touching herself, she say she's had trouble with stimulation. At first, I thought it was just because of everything else, and that if we tried it together, things would be different. Now, I've only ever been with one other girl sexually, so I don't boast I know exactly what I'm doing, but I was pretty confident that we had sufficient foreplay before moving to vulva stimulation. I could feel that she was very wet, so I thought it was a good time. I took my time before getting to her clit, but then when I did... well nothing happened. I'm 100% positive I hit it, with both my finger, and my tongue afterwards, but it was very difficult, and I couldn't really see it, even with the lights on. I asked her if she could feel if I was stimulating it or not. If there she noticed any spot felt particularly pleasurable, but she was unable to tell me. I'm wondering, if the size might make it significantly harder for her to be stimulated and climax, if at all. Any advice you might be able to offer so that I can hopefully bring her to climax would be greatly appreciated, and if you need any other information to provide a better answer, I'd be happy to answer any questions. I would like to ask that this be kept confidential, please.

Answer: The quickest solution may be for her to use a vibrator or muscle massager alone, or for you to use one on her, after she is already sexually aroused. Proceed very slowly without any expectations. It either works or it doesn't. Allow the vibrations to provide the stimulation, don't apply any pressure, and she or you may want to begin with her cloths on rather than off, the vibrations will pass through her clothing.

The in-depth article linked to below provides information on all the different forms of stimulation a woman may be sensitive too.

The Female Sexual Nervous System

The articles linked to below offer advice on locating a girl's clitoris.

I can't find my girlfriend's clitoris, can you help me find it?

Locating the Vagina and Determining the Cause of Vaginal Pain

I would suggest that your girlfriend read through the shared sexual fantasies and experiences, and masturbation techniques, to discover sexual themes that sexually arouse her, and to learn that it is acceptable and normal for her to have sexual feelings and needs.

Miscellaneous Information About Female Sexuality - Subject Index

Female Sexual Fantasy - Subject Index

Female Masturbation - Subject Index

While you can be supportive, you can't force or make your girlfriend feel sexual or be open to sexual feeling and experiences. That is something she must accomplish for herself, and to a small degree is dependent on biology and her medical history.

The Secret to Great Sex

How to Have Female Orgasms

Question: Thank you for this amazing site and all the information. I have an issue that I've known about for ages but never really thought of until now because I didn't realize it has a name. I have a hooded clitoris and it's the kind where the hood never goes back. I've never seen my clitoris! (I'm 32). I never did anything about it years ago because my sex life has always been fine in that I have strong orgasms. Also I find the hood is very sensitive, even when washing, I have to be really careful not hurt myself and during sex I prefer not to have oral sex because the tongue hurts sometimes. I don't understand why my clitoris is so sensitive when it's covered and it also means I can't really try to ease it back with a Q-tip because it'd hurt - and there is only a tiny pinprick of a hole. I guess what I'm saying is my sex life is fine (though I wonder if it would be better if I had the hood removed) but I feel like a freak - I also have larger labia. I would be grateful if you had any advice - I'm too embarrassed to go to a doctor.

Answer: I'm afraid I can't offer any additional advice, beyond what is already presented on the website in the articles linked to below.

Clitoral Adhesions

Should I have my clitoral hood trimmed or removed?

My doctor says I have a tight clitoral hood, what should I do?

I'm a doctor, why is an increasing number of my patients requesting cosmetic genital surgery?

During oral sex you might try leaving your underwear on, trying underwear made of different materials, or covering your vulva with a layer of plastic food wrap. Applying lubricant to your vulva beforehand may also enhance the experience.

Note: The experience related below sounds hypothetical to me, and may have been someone's idea of personal amusement. I am posting the question because I believe it is possible for people to have similar experiences and reactions, even if this one is completely fictional. Witnessing childhood sexuality can result in a broad range of responses, not to mention anxiety.

Question: I've been reading your articles about childhood sexuality with great interest because both of my daughters discovered masturbation early and they had to be taught to do it only in private. I can agree with some of the things you say, but not with everything. At any rate, I can remember when my daughter was only three and would hump anything and everything. Now, she is six, but she only does it in her bedroom. My older daughter is ten now, but I can remember she used to play with her vulva when I would give her a bath when she was little. Now, I struggle with the pictures of my children masturbating that are in my mind. While I didn't like to see them do it, I found it cute to watch, and whenever I masturbate, I picture my children doing it when they were little. I feel bad that I have these images. My oldest son is fourteen, and he was talking with me about masturbation the other day; he learned about it from some of his school friends. And then he said he remembers a few years ago that his youngest sister (the one that humped everything when she was three), did it. So now he has these pictures in his mind too. Maybe I should not have been so permissive about it in the house. Because while it may be normal and okay, my son, and myself have pictures in our heads just from seeing other family members doing it.

Answer: I'm afraid I can only refer you to the following article, which I referred to in one of my previous Q&As about childhood sexuality.

Bringing up Children Sexually

Question: Hi, I have been masturbating since I was 15, I am now 18. I realized that my clitoris has changed shape. My clitoral hood is no longer at the top, it has moved to the side, close to the top but at the side of the clitoral glands. I was wondering if I stopped masturbating if it would move back to normal, and move back to the top, and if yes how long would it take?

Answer: Please see the Q&A linked to below.

Is it normal for the clitoral hood to be off center?

I don't believe it was your masturbation technique that caused the change, unless you used a lot of force and masturbated extremely frequently.

Question: Just wondered if you could help. I am a 20 year old female who regularly masturbates but is an actual virgin. I was wondering if I was to purchase a vibrator/dildo, would that then 'interfere' with my 'first time'? Many thanks.

Answer: I believe the advice I provide about engaging in intercourse for the first time will answer your questions, and the following Q&A.

A Guide to Losing Your Virginity or Deciding if You Should Keep it Safe

I'm a virgin, should I tell my boyfriend I have been using a vibrator?

The survey that explores what the first time was like for women may be of help too.

Survey: A Woman's First Experience of Vaginal Intercourse

Archived Results:

Survey: A Woman's First Experience of Vaginal Intercourse (Archived)

Current Results:

Survey: A Woman's First Experience of Vaginal Intercourse (Current)

10-13% of the women who have taken part in the survey about vibrator use had not experienced partnered sex.

Survey: Vibrators Used for Sexual Pleasure

The results of Medical Studies about Vibrators used for sexual pleasure are available on the page about Sex Toys.

Question: I am 21 years old and have been using a vibrator since I was about 15. I have always been able to have an orgasm with this....but have never had one through manual or oral stimulation, from myself or a partner. I try to masturbate without a vibrator but I am there for about 30 minutes, don't really feel any pleasure, give up and usually get my vibrator out. I have faked orgasm over and over again with my current partner as I didn't want him to think that he wasn't doing something right and get upset with himself, I didn't want him to get obsessed with trying to make me orgasm like previous partners have, and I also thought that he wouldn't find me as sexually attractive if he knew I couldn't orgasm. Please help, will I never be able to achieve orgasm without a battery operated device? I feel abnormal. I want to have sex with my partner and enjoy it, I don't feel any sexual pleasure at the moment, only a vibrator can give me sexual pleasure. Please help.

Answer: Your experience isn't all that unusual, as many women are limited in the way(s) that they can experience orgasm. You have little or no control over what your body finds sexually stimulating. Not to make light of your situation, but the 1 out 10 women who have never experienced orgasm are likely envious of you.

There is no straight forward answer to your questions, as each woman is unique. First, you and your partner need to learn you are normal, even though you don't presently experience orgasm during partnered sex, as you are hardly alone.

I recommend you read the following article, then have your boyfriend read it. After he reads it tell him that you have been faking orgasm, even if you must do so by email or text messaging. If he can't handle this fact and isn't willing to help you find a solution, guess what, he wont make a good life partner. In reality you benefit no one by faking orgasm, even if initially it appears otherwise.

Did She Experience Orgasm?

If he can't handle the truth then you need to find out why you repeatedly choose partners with low self-esteem and little knowledge of female sexuality. Also, if you don't teach a man how to give you pleasure, who will? I apologize for being so blunt.

The quickest possible solution to having an orgasm during partnered sex is to use a vibrator during partnered sex, and then showing him how to use it to stimulate you to orgasm. You are hardly the only woman in the world who requires a vibrator to experience orgasm. The reasons why are irrelevant at this point, as it is a fact of life for you.

Can you learn to experience orgasm without using a vibrator, possibly, but to be honest you have bigger battles to conquer at this point, mainly your low self esteem, which is being reduced further by faking orgasm, and by trying to make yourself into someone you are not, only to please someone else, rather than yourself. You need to put your needs before his, at least enough so that your needs are also being met, rather than only his.

There is tons of information on the website that will educate you and your partner, if you are both willing to do so. Unfortunately it does require quite a bit of reading. The information linked to below is relevant to your situation even if it doesn't appear to at first glance.

I have some concerns, I can only reach orgasm using a vibrator.

How to Have Female Orgasms

Female Sexual Desire - Subject Index

The Female Sexual Nervous System

Q & A: Female Sexual Arousal & Orgasm

The Q&As linked to below address the subject of exploring and discovering your sexuality and what works for you as an individual.

Q&A Subject Index: Puberty, Adolescence, and Self Discovery

Question: I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. I really love him and I do see myself staying with him. He's a great guy; he's supportive, encouraging, understanding and affection. However, we've had one problem in our sex life that I'm at my wits end about how to deal with.

When we first started dating, he said he loved to go down on girls. I do remember him trying to go down on me once or twice... but they weren't really good times to do so, like right after my period. I hinted a few times at him going down on me, but he came up with some suspicious excuses. Finally, at one point, he told me that he thought I had a yeast infection. I visited the gyno, who said I was healthy. After that, I started hinting about it again, but he always gave me some excuse. I was left feeling rejected again and again and felt like there was something wrong with me.

I finally did address this issue head on about two months ago. He finally came out and said that HE wasn't fond of my smell or taste which was a major turn off for him. He said he had always been clear about this, but I can never remember a time before that where he specifically stated he didn't like my taste and smell; it had always been "I'm too tired" or "you need to get into the gyno." I have a feeling he wasn't completely clear with me because he didn't want to hurt me, but in not being clear he hurt me more because it made me feel like there was something wrong with me.

After that, I've been making an effort to make any sort of experience down there more enjoyable. I've cut down on sugar and carbohydrates in my diet; I stopped drinking soda and other sugary drinks. I've been eating more yogurt. I've been drinking fruit juices and snacking on fruits. I've been using Summer's Eve feminine wash and wipes. I've been meticulous about shaving. I even went and bought some sexy panties because he's mentioned how that can be fun for him.

Personally, I've always been one of those girls who is curious about my own taste and smell and I've never had a problem with it. I find myself to taste sweet and a bit tangy. I'm left wondering how other girls taste and smell and how different I am in that my taste and smell is so aversive.

I've even pushed myself past my comfort levels in the past two month to ask very clearly for what I want. However, he still dodges the issue and won't go down on me. I don't want to have a serious "why not?" talk in the heat of the moment.

I don't know what to do. I do perform oral sex on him and I enjoy doing so. I don't expect an orgasm out of him performing oral sex on me. I feel like I've done all I can and he won't even get try again. For me, it's become an issue of whether he cares enough about me and if I'm getting anything out of sex. Is he being selfish? Lazy? Stubborn? Did he lie about loving to go down on girls in the beginning? Is it possible that my taste and smell can be so aversive even after all the efforts that I've made, that I should change my thinking to "well, it's unpleasant for him, so I shouldn't ask him to do it?"

I'm so confused about how to handle the situation. Please help.

Answer: This is certainly a difficult situation to address.

First, you need to explain to him that he isn't simply rejecting oral sex, but you. That oral sex has more meaning to you than just the potential physical pleasure and orgasm. Your desirability and femininity are at stake here. Tell him this verbally or in a letter/email outside the bedroom.

From a recent article in a magazine:

"Researchers are uncovering new information about why we're instantly attracted to - or turned off by - certain people. While how much a role pheromones play in our behavior remains under scrutiny, new evidence suggests that they do indeed influence our actions. And the secret is our genes."

"... our genes can greatly affect how we perceive an odor."

"They sought to uncover why people react differently to the two smells [found in sweat and urine] - why some found it "sweet" and others called it "sickening.""

Your vaginal fluids may also differ chemically from two-thirds of women, as stated at the beginning of the article linked to below:

Female Body Fluids

This means it is possible for your vulva to smell and taste sweet to you and some people but be offensive to others. You don't mention whether others have performed oral sex on you in the past, and if they enjoyed your scent and taste.

Short of having several people smell and taste your vulvar/vaginal fluids it is difficult to know if you don't smell and taste good to all, or just some. Social morality makes this a difficult situation, as they apply to body scents, fluids, and female sexuality. Do you ask close male and female friends to smell your vulva, perform oral sex on you, smell your fingers after you have touched your vulva, etc? You can talk to your friends and see what they suggest and are opening to doing, and which are acceptable to you.

You can also go back to your gynecologist and explain the true and full situation, and as unprofessional as it may seem, have them smell your vulva. Tasting of your vulva would involve the exchange of body fluids so would involve a health risk they may not be acceptable with. You may have to visit several gynecologists to get an idea of different people's response to your scent, which could be expensive and time consuming. One problem with all these suggestions is that you wont know if they are simply being polite, or mean.

The immediate way of addressing this with your boyfriend, after letting your true feelings be known, is to climb in the shower with him and require that he go down on you after you rinse your vulva in front of him, using only plain water, and go from there. The other option is to lubricate your vulva and apply a layer of plastic food wrap to the area to act as a barrier to your scent and smell. It isn't as intimate as lips on vulva, but perhaps the best the two of you can do.

Don't over clean or care for your vulva, as that actually increases the risk of infection and irritation, as mentioned in the article linked to below:

Feminine Hygiene: Care of Your Vulva and Vagina

Question: Sometimes--sitting in class or on the bus, for example--I get horny. It feels as if my big lips are pushing my legs apart at the same time the lips are getting puffy and firmer. When I finally notice and push my legs together or cross them, I just get hornier...which makes things even more awkward.

I feel foolish not being able to figure out how to deal with this. Any suggestions, please? On the bus sometimes I feel I'm taking up too much room.

Answer: You are experiencing normal sexual desire and arousal so there is nothing you can do to stop these experiences. Well there is, but it involves taking prescription medication prescribed to treat unrelated medical conditions.

Your labia, inner and outer are becoming engorged with blood, which causes an actual swelling and increase in their size. Their increased size also results in an increase in sensitivity, so crossing your legs would tend to cause more sensation and increased arousal. The vibrations of the bus may be stimulating too.

Some women have mentioned experiencing vaginal lubrication that makes them feel very wet and uncomfortable, with no solution other than to masturbate and/or change their underwear frequently. Thong underwear is particularly small and you may be able to discretely carry extras with you.

I am sure other girls experience the same, but are reluctant to say anything publicly. I have posted your question on our discussion forum, so others can share their experiences.

Female Sexual Arousal: Taking Up Space - Female Sexual Arousal in School

Solution, wear loose fitting clothing like skirts and dresses, so your vulva has more room to expand. You might also find underwear that fits loosely yet still conceals everything, like boxers or tap pants.

Your level of sexual responsiveness is likely influenced by your menstrual cycle, so you might want to keep a written record of it, so you know on which days it is best to wear loser fitting cloths.

In a survey about female masturbation, 22% or around 1 in 5 women, say they have masturbated in a school building, when they were in grades 7 through 12. 15% or 1 in 7 women have masturbated in the classroom. It may sound naughty and possibly a little perverse, but sometimes you have to do whatever gets you through the day. As long as you are discrete no one will know.

Question: I can thrust into my wife for a long time, sometimes for up to 45 minutes to 1 hour, controlling ejaculation. But she has never experienced multiple orgasms. Is it a known fact that women can experience multiple orgasms?

Answer: On average women experience orgasm 30% of the time during intercourse without clitoral stimulation, and 60% of the time with added clitoral stimulation. For many women, vaginal stimulation alone isn't the most intense or preferred form of stimulation. There are exceptions, like when there is a G-Spot or the cervix is stimulated. If you wife isn't able to masturbate to multiple orgasms she is much less likely to experience them during partnered sex. The use of a vibrator increases the chances of multiple orgasms during masturbation and partnered sex. The combination of intercourse and a vibrator may increase the likelihood of multiple orgasms.

Please see the information linked to below:

Can you provide some guidance when it comes to having multiple orgasms?

Why does my clitoris hurt so badly after orgasm that I can't have multiple orgasms?

The Truth About Vaginal Orgasms

Female Ejaculation, the G-Spot, and Female Prostate Glands