Question: So basically I was wondering is you have any advice on my problem. I don't have the ability to have an orgasm, but not in the way most people do. I used to be able to have orgasms when I was younger through masturbation. This stopped about 5 years ago. I used to masturbate to the point right before the orgasmic release but the stop. Then I would start again. I thought this would make it more intense. But after a while I just couldn't get past the point where I would stop myself.
What happens now is very frustrating. I still do not have sexual release through masturbation or sex with my partner. I feel sexual pleasure, but once it gets to the point of being on the verge of orgasm, my clitoris contracts (sometimes painfully) and stops all pleasurable feelings. I don't have the waves of release or the resolution stage. After the stopping of orgasm, my clitoris is very sensitive and sometimes painful.I feel that I am the only person who experiences this. I feel like I "broke" myself. I want so badly to feel sexual satisfaction. Also I feel like since I don't ever have sexual release, I am always aroused. I'm not sure if this is a physical or psychological problem. If you have any advice or tips I would really appreciate it. Thank you!
Answer: While you may assume you have trained yourself to be inorgasmic, the timing
could have be coincidental. Since you were wanting to experience more
powerful orgasms at the time this could indicate your orgasmic response was already impaired. Think back to the time and consider everything that was
changing in your life, from changes in partners, jobs, stress, medication,
birth control, etc. A friend became inorgasmic as a result of guilt, I
believe. If your life isn't in a healthy balance then your sexuality will be
adversely affected. If there are environmental causes for your inability to
experience orgasm then those causes need to be addressed and resolved, and
there is no way around this.
The pain you feel centered around your clitoris at the peak of sexual
arousal could be an indication of the state of your pelvic muscles, as your
pelvic muscles anchor to your pelvic bone at the location of your clitoris.
They could be in a state of constant constriction or weakened from lack of
use. You may have been using your pelvic muscles to control your orgasms,
which if they were already overly tight or weak, would have made things
worse, as you would have been using them forcefully. Healthy pelvic muscles
are both strong and flexible. Since your orgasms were not meeting your expectations at the time of the onset of your inorgasmic condition this
could indicate they were already weakened or overly tight. Learn about
Kegels and how to develop control over and strengthen these muscles. Vaginal
delivery of a baby may also damage these muscles, so you may need to seek
out physical therapy if this has occurred. Here are some links to
information on Kegels and related information.
Kegel Exercises
In the article linked to below scroll down to the paragraph titled "Pelvic Muscles"
Locating the Vagina and Determining the Cause of Vaginal Pain
An illustration showing the muscles in question and their anchor point at
the clitoris
Illustration: Muscles that Anchor at the Clitoris
General information about Kegels:
Wikipedia: Kegel Exercise
Childbirth.org: Kegel
The cause is more likely psychological, assuming there are no biological or
pharmacological causes, which means your body is willing but not your brain.
Even if there were a purely physical cause at the onset, after five years
there is probably a psychological component that will need to be addressed. To overcome a mental barrier you need to get your brain out of a logical
thinking mode into a purely sexual mode. You must get yourself high on sex.
This means the sexual stimulation you are exposing yourself to must be
strong enough to overcome your logical brain. If you are thinking during the
sexual experience then your logical brain will be controlling your response
to the sexual experience, which you don't want. You need to know or figure
out what sexual themes, scenarios, erotica, etc. really get you aroused and
desirous of increased sexual stimulation, horny. You then need to know or
discover what forms of stimulation provide the necessary stimulation to help
you experience orgasm. If you are still masturbating and engaging in the
same forms of partnered sexual activity that you did five years ago then
your mind and body may simply be bored, and you need to bring some
excitement back into your sexual experiences. Have you tried using a
vibrator or water spray? Have you tried stimulating multiple erogenous zones
at the same time? When was the last time you bought lingerie that made you
feel sexy and a new sex toy? Consider role playing and having sex outside
your home, whether in a hotel room, the backseat of your car, or in public
park.
While kind of long, my article on the female sexual nervous system has a lot
of relevant information.
The Female Sexual Nervous System
The following information addresses ways of using your mind and body to your
advantage.
Why am I more aroused by sexual thoughts and fantasies involving kinky and taboo subjects
Can you explain why the only times that I have had an orgasm during intercourse has been after being "played" (BDSM) by my ex-boyfriend.. (Explores how physical activity and mild stress and anxiety may facilitate sexual arousal and orgasm.)
In the short term avoid situations that leave you feeling sexual frustrated,
as repeated episodes of this will likely reinforce the problem. You might go
to the gym, or go for a fast walk or jogging, when you feel sexual aroused
and/or frustrated and work off some sexual energy. Then consider
environmental causes for your experiences, and address them. Then explore
and develop your pelvic muscles, if necessary. This will help with your body
awareness. Then do some soul searching to discover what forms of mental and
physical sexual stimulation arouse you the most, without censoring your wants and needs. What sexual thoughts and images cause intense and
spontaneous sexual arousal? You also need to work on relaxing and having
time for yourself, even it is time for nothing more than to relax your mind
and body in a hot bath or shower. In the long term, which means don't try to
rush towards this as if it is a goal, expose yourself to new and stimulating
sexual experiences that are intense enough that your brain stays focused on
sex, and not thoughts of whether or not you are going to have an orgasm. You
may not be ready for this final step for six months, a year, or more, so
don't expect a resolution in the short term, as it took five or more years
to reach the point you are at now.
If you have a partner their support and understanding will be very
important, as you will likely need to forego partnered sex for a while. If
they are caring and understanding they will understand this need and be
supportive of it. If they aren't, then you are better off without them, as
they have become part of the problem. There is no way to sugar coat this
reality. The solution most likely needs to come from within you, which means
you need to be extremely selfish for a while.
Question Part 1: When I masturbate and in the very beginning of feeling the orgasm I feel a terrible burn, why is that?? Also the orgasm doesn't last longer than seconds and I can't hold for longer, is this how having sex will be when I get married?????
Answer Part 1: A burning sensation is not normal. I would need to know the exact location
of the burning sensation, and whether is was on the surface of your skin or
deeper within your body, to guess at a cause. If you are not sure of the
location then you need to explore your body and increase your level of
self-awareness so you can determine its location, and enjoy sex more, alone
and with a partner.
It could simply mean you need to use additional lubrication, less pressure,
or are tightening your pelvic muscles, perhaps being fearful of surrendering
full control over your body. You could be fighting against your orgasms, and
need to work on relaxing and breathing. Learning about Kegels may be of
help.
Kegel Exercises
In the article article linked to below scroll down to the paragraph titled "Pelvic Muscles:"
Locating the Vagina and Determining the Cause of Vaginal Pain
An illustration showing the muscles in question and their anchor point at
the clitoris
Illustration: Muscles that Anchor at the Clitoris
Wikipedia.org: Kegel Exercise
Childbirth.org: Kegel
If the burning sensation is more like a feeling of needing to urinate then
this is normal, short of there being an actual urinary tract infection (UTI)
or applying too much pressure to your urethra, and you simply need to learn
to relax and literally go with the flow. A survey I recently started
indicates the sensation of needing to urinate is frequently experienced by
women during vaginal stimulation.
Survey: Vaginal Sensitivity and Size Preferences (Archived)
Survey: Vaginal Sensitivity and Size Preferences (Current)
Learning about female ejaculation would likely be of benefit to you, even if
you do not, or do not want to, experience this.
Female Ejaculation, the G-Spot, and Female Prostate Glands
The average orgasm lasts around 5 to 6 seconds, which isn't very long, and
much shorter than the way orgasms are portrayed by the media. You could be
expecting too much of your body.
You are more likely to have intense orgasms if there is a slow build up to
orgasm, which you can do by relying on mental stimulation to get yourself
started and then adding physical stimulation to help you experience orgasm,
after you are already highly aroused and desirous of sexual pleasure. Read
some erotica and look at images of sexual activity to get yourself aroused
and don't start physically stimulating yourself until you are already
dripping wet. Learn to play with your body and to tease it. Spend all day
making love to yourself, rather than going for a quickie, every time. The
brain is the largest sexual organ, and it greatly influences your sexual
experiences.
Since it sounds like you are not overly familiar with your body and sexual
needs then partnered sex probably will not be more enjoyable, as you will
simply bringing these factors into the relationship, which will make them
worse rather than better. The more you know about your body and are
accepting of your sexual needs, the more enjoyable partnered sex can be, if
your partner is accepting of your true wants and needs and is able to
fulfill them. At a minimum you must be able to rely on enjoyable sessions of
masturbation when your partner is unable, for one reason or another, to
fulfill your current sexual needs.
Question Part 2: I just want to clear up a point which is that when I say masturbation, I don't mean the exact act of using my fingers, rather I feel the burning as a result of just the mental stimulation prior to getting aroused, and the location of the burning I can't tell exactly but it is not at the surface, it's deep inside and it lasts for only seconds, goes away, then I ejaculate
Answer Part 2: I am not familiar with the symptoms you describe.
It is possible that the thought of masturbating causes a reflex contraction
of your pelvic muscles, which triggers the ejaculation. The pain you
describe may be associated with vaginismus, an involuntary contraction of
the pelvic muscles, which prevents vaginal penetration. The contraction of
the pelvic muscles is said to squeeze the urethra against the pelvic bone,
causing potentially intense pain. When this occurs you need to see if you
can insert a lubricated finger or lubricated smooth tipped plastic tampon
applicator (Playtex Gentle Glide or Tampax Pearl) into your vagina. If your
finger or the applicator will not enter and you experience pain when you
attempt the insertion then you could be experiencing vaginismus, or
something related. The following information may be of help.
Locating the Vagina and Determining the Cause of Vaginal Pain
Wikipedia.org: Dyspareunia
Wikipedia.org: Vaginismus
When you experience sexual arousal the resulting vaginal lubrication changes
the normally acid environment of the vagina so it is less acidic and more
hospitable to sperm, so they can survive in this otherwise inhospitable
environment. If you have a vaginal infection that has left your vaginal
tissues abnormally sensitive then this could be the cause. The questions is,
does this burning sensation and ejaculation occur if you experience
involuntary reflex sexual arousal? That is, do you experience wet dreams,
and if so, do you experience these symptoms at that time? What about when
you experience sexual arousal when there is no desire or intent to
masturbate? The following information may be of help with this topic.
Feminine Hygiene: Care of Your Vulva and Vagina
Vaginitis: Inflammation of the Vagina
Something else to consider is whether this is something you have always
experienced or if they are something new. Have you been able to masturbate
to orgasm in the past without experiencing these symptoms?
Question: Hi I have been with boyfriend for more than 4 years, he is very open person and very early in our relationship he told me of his fantasies and he wanted to explore them with me by role playing. He has fantasies that he is a young boy and he is having with his mom, not his actual mom but an imaginary mom he does not have any attraction to his mom that way. Ao I said yes to the role play just to see what happens or if I were into it. It would start that I would be his mom and I would try things like touching his privates and he would be all innocent and pretend that he was scared and not know what was happening and why I would be doing this. I would get into the role and say "Cause I love you" and teach him thing like how to kiss and touch my breast, my pussy, and also how to have sex. He gets really turn on by this and so do I. We have also explored the idea of me being his older sister too. We have also bought sex story books that are of incest. So my qouestion is, what we are practising is it ok and why do you think he has these kind of fantasies?
Answer: I am not qualified to guess at a cause for his fantasies, and his enjoyment
of acting those fantasies out, as I am not a psychologist or therapist. I
can only look at the end result and comment on that.
My concern would be whether acting out these fantasies is harmful to him,
you, and the relationship. Based on what you have said, you both enjoy these
activities and there doesn't appear to be any obvious harm being done. It
could actually be beneficial in that he is allowing you to take control of
the situation and his actions, which allows you to teach him what you want
and need sexually. Playing the part of his mother or older sister puts you
in control, and allows him to act like a child, and removes some of the
pressure he may feel if he was always in charge. Others role play teacher
and student to accomplish the same result. Outside of role playing, you
could accomplish much of the same if one of you simply took charge during a
sexual experience and controlled what occurred, though it probably wouldn't
be as exciting as when you believe you are breaking a social taboo. Nothing
is more enticing than forbidden fruit.
If you didn't enjoy these activities and were only doing it at his request
or insistence then it would be aversely affecting the relationship in the
long run, if not immediately. In that case I would advise against it. If it
were a fixation, meaning he could not perform sexually during other sexual
activities then I would consider recommending counseling. As long as there
is a balance to your sexual activities and relationship then there isn't a
reason for concern.
I would recommend role reversal, where he is in charge and you do as he
says, so he can teach you what he likes, and you aren't required to be in
control every time. You can choose any identities you find appealing, not
necessarily father/daughter or older brother/younger sister. You can simply
say, I want to please you, so tell me what you want me to do. Eventually it
will becoming taxing on you if you are always in charge and primarily
fulfilling his wants and needs.
With role playing couples tend to become more involved with the theme over
time, and once the newness wears off they may seek out more intense or
extreme forms of mental or physical stimulation, within the context of the
role playing. This is very true with S&M and B&D play, where the restraint
or pain inflicted may become more intense over time, risking physical and
psychological harm. That is why it is important to have a healthy mix of
sexual activities you engage in, over a period of time. You need to mix "vanilla" sex in with the role playing, or fetish. Your sexual activities
don't need to end in orgasm every time, but there must be some net benefit,
even if it is nothing more than shared physical and/or psychological
intimacy. You don't want the role playing to take the place of intimacy.
I personally believe there is a sexual dynamic in all relationships, and
this includes relationships between parents and their children, and
siblings. Many of our first sexual experiences, though not necessarily in a
sexual context, occur during childhood with members of our immediate family.
We learn how to be men and women from our parents, and fulfill our initial curiosity
with our parents and siblings, or peers. Not being allowed to fulfill our
curiosity does not make it go away, and can actually result in fixations and
fetishes. If your boyfriend, on seeing his mother nurse a sibling, wasn't permitted to do the same that could result in some unresolved conflict, as
could being denied the ability to explore her body for purely academic
reasons. So in short, I am not concerned by the identities you are assuming
during your role playing, as to me it is a minor detail, though others may
not share my opinion.
Question: Long story short, my girlfriend and I like each other a lot, and while we are not at the point of becoming intimate with each other quite yet, I forsee it coming down the road should we keep going.
The thing is, she doesn't masturbate, and doesn't like the idea of it at all when the subject is brought up. Assuming that she really wouldn't have any issues with sex itself, what would I be able to do in order to ensure she isn't turned off or worse?
Answer: The problem lies in the fact that your girlfriend hasn't experienced the
level of "sexual development" she should achieve prior to engaging in
partnered sex. If she truly doesn't masturbate, perhaps she is simply too
embarrassed to admit to it, then she doesn't know how her body works and
responds to sexual stimulation. She may assume you will know, but even if
you are well educated about female sexuality, you may not know her unique
needs. If you don't fulfill her needs what do you do? You will not be able
to ask her for guidance, as she wont know what to do either. This places a
lot of unecessary pressure on you.
Please see the information linked to below for some information on sexual
development.
A Guide to Losing Your Virginity or Deciding if You Should Keep it Safe: Sexual Development
Q&A Subject Index: Puberty, Adolescence, and Self Discovery
Did She Experience Orgasm?
Your girlfriend really needs to take responsibility for her sexuality, not
leave it up to you or another guy to figure out. I would suggest that you
refer her to my website and the information I link to above.
If she doesn't explore sex on her own then you will need to lead the way
very very slowly. You will need to progress through her sexual development
together, which could take considerable time.
Question: How can I have multiple orgasm during intercourse and cunnilingus???
And it's been a month, when I'm getting close to my orgasm my entire body starts to shake, especially my foot and it's really intense, and I can't get multiple orgasm, I just wanted to know if this shaking is normal, also please help me how can I get multiple orgasm during cunnilingus??
Answer: I don't believe we know whether or not all women have the ability to
experience multiple orgasms, as many if not most don't. According to a survey about masturbation on this website, only 26% of women have experienced
more than one orgasm with only a short pause in-between. 38% have
experienced more than one orgasm per masturbation session. This means the
majority of women don't experience multiple orgasm, at least while
masturbating.
It could be possible for you to learn how to have multiple orgasms, but I
am not sure.
Multiple orgasms are more likely to occur during masturbation with a
vibrator or water spray, as there are fewer distractions, and they provide
sustained stimulation without your finger and hands getting tired.
To experience multiple orgasms you need to be able to remain relaxed and
ensure you are breathing in and out fully, not holding your breath, during
the sustained sexual stimulation. The shaking could indicate you aren't
relaxed, or the stimulation is greater than what your mind and body are
prepared for. So in the beginning, ensure you are relaxed and breathing, as
you near your first orgasm. Once that first orgasm occurs then decrease the
level of stimulation a little, pant, like they teach during natural
childbirth classes, and once you are a little less sensitive to stimulation,
increase the level of stimulation. In the beginning, work on experiencing
more than one orgasm per masturbation/sexual experience, then try to bring
the orgasms closer together. If you are able to have more than one orgasm
per sexual experience then you are already experiencing something many women
have not, even if you aren't "multiorgasmic." It probably isn't a bad idea to pause the sexual stimulation between orgasms initially, so you don't overwhelm or tire your mind and body. You wouldn't try to run a marathon not having run a mile, so don't expect the same of your sexual response.
There is a chance that multiple orgasms are more likely if you find you
enjoy stimulation of your female prostate gland (G-Spot) and/or your cervix,
so explore internal stimulation in addition to or instead of clitoral
stimulation. Your clitoris may become too sensitive after the first orgasm
to allow the sexual stimulation to continue long enough for multiple orgasms
to occur. A slow build up to orgasm through non-clitoral forms of
stimulation may work best, as more blood engorgement and muscle tension have
a chance to develop. The information about the female sexual nervous system
will provide some useful background information on this subject.
The Female Sexual Nervous System
The female prostate gland is addressed in the article linked to below:
Female Ejaculation, the G-Spot, and Female Prostate Glands
Stimulating the cervix is addressed in the discussion forum.
The Sexual Cervix
and in a resent survey:
Survey: The Cervix & Sex
You will also need to keep your brain focused on something it finds sexually
arousing, like an erotic story, video, or sex talk with your partner.
I have had some luck with preceding sexual stimulation with a 1 hour
relaxing massage, that stimulates and teases a woman's erogenous zones. The
full body massage relaxes her, awakens her body, and she become more open to
sexual stimulation. It isn't a guarantee, but it does help. If you are going
to masturbate, a long warm shower or soak in the tub may help with the
relaxation and awakening of your body. Reading some erotic will help prepare
your brain for sex/masturbation. Slowly warm your mind and body up for the sexual experience.
Don't focus on orgasm, but rather sexual pleasure. If you focus on orgasm
then you will find your sexual experiences less enjoyable, if not just plain
frustrating. Repeated experiences of sexual frustration may impair your sexual response.
Question Part 1: Hi, I'm a mother of an 8 year old daughter. I'm having some issues that I'm unclear on how to tackle. My daughter often walks around buttomless when at home. I live alone with her and is not offended by nudity. Often when I walk into her room or call on her for dinner, I see she has taken off her trousers and underwear and is simply just wearing a t-shirt and socks. She also comes into the living room at the evening in that outfit. I have asked her if she doesnt want to have more clothes on, and she said she felt more comfortable without. Sometimes when I dress her, she asks if she has to wear panties under the dress, because she doesnt like them. So how should I tackle this? I want to be a fair to her, but I don't think her behaviour is normal.
The other problem I have is regarding sexuality. Recently we had a talk about the human body. We sat with a mirror and looked at her vulva while I explained what the different parts are called. I also retracted her clitoral hood to show her the clitoris. Afterwards she asked if she could see my vulva. I said yes, but not that night because she had to sleep. She have asked me a few times since, but now I am not sure what would be smartest to do. Shall I just let her look and touch herself or shall I show her? Im not even sure on what to show. So I kind of regret saying yes to her.
Hope you can help me..
Answer Part 1: It sounds like your daughter is developing, on her own, the habits I
recommend on the website in regard to hygiene. I realize parents must adapt
my advice to their own expectations regarding modesty and nudity, and their
current situation and living environment.
Feminine Hygiene: Care of Your Vulva and Vagina: Daughters
While we would like to believe we react to our children's nudity differently
than we do to adult nudity, in reality we probably don't. In the mind's eye
there may not be a distinction made between nude or partially dressed eight
and eighteen year old girls. That is, if we consider a particular manner of
dress inappropriate for an eighteen year old we would likely consider the
same inappropriate for an eight year old, though in some cultures children
are permitted a lot more leeway than teens and adults. The presence of or
possibility for developing breasts commonly provides the demarcation between
girlhood and womanhood, and appropriate manners of dress and behavior.
Western society has some interesting morality concerning how girls and women
can dress and when. On the beach and at the pool both can wear a single
layer of form fitting and revealing clothing and it is considered acceptable
for them to do so, and they feel comfortable doing this. On the other hand,
if they were to wear a single layer of loose fitting attire that concealed
their body from head to toe while at work or when walking down the street we
and they would likely consider this inappropriate. We would likely react
differently to a girl or woman wearing a revealing swimsuit on the beach
than when she wore only a full length dress with nothing on underneath, if
we knew this to be true. They likely "feel naked" wearing only the dress but
not the swimsuit, even though significantly more is hidden from view by the
dress. We likely see her as being or acting openly "sexual" when wearing only a
dress, but less so when wearing the more revealing swimsuit, and women, and especially
girls, are not permitted to be sexual in public. What is considered sexual is dependent on the individual society and community.
This often times illogical morality gets very blurred at times. Recently
some famous and infamous female celebrities got into a lot of hot water for
being photographed when they weren't wearing underwear under their dress or
skirt, but if they had been wearing at least thong style underwear it is
likely their behavior would have merely raised a few eyebrows. What is
considered appropriate versus inappropriate can be can be determined by as
little as a few square inches of fabric, and context. The public reaction to
these women going without underwear likely influences whether other women
will do the same, as few would want to risk experiencing the level of public
chastisement they did, though there are a few brave souls out there.
A partially dressed woman or girl likely results in more interest and
provocation than the same would if she were totally nude. We are intrigued
by the hidden, or emphasized. We would likely lose interest sooner if she
were nude, after the initial surprise, than if parts of her body were hidden
from view. A woman in a short skirt on the street creates more interest than
if she were wearing a small bikini on the beach. For this reason, your
daughter walking about partially dressed may result in a stronger reaction
from you than if she were nude. Even though you are a woman, and her mother,
your mind may see her manner of dress as a little provocative, and as a
result understandably inappropriate, in part because of your own reaction to
her. You may also be concerned about how others, especially boys and men,
may view and react to her manner of dress, even if this isn't obvious to you.
You must set rules according to what you considered appropriate attire at
home and in public, but you must also consider the reasoning behind her
actions. Is she simply acting out by removing clothing that normally
conceals her bottom half, or is there actual physical discomfort that she is
addressing the best she can? If there is physical discomfort then this
should be addressed regardless of your feelings about modesty and nudity.
I have heard mention of other girls who resist wearing clothing so she isn't
alone in her behavior, and we should consider why this is true. Why is her
clothing uncomfortable? Is she allergic to the laundry detergent, trace
chemicals, or fabric material? Is her clothing simply too small? Is her
vulva very or extremely sensitive, and irritated by clothing? Does exposure
to the open air result in subtle stimulation that feels pleasurable to her?
As mentioned in the article about the female sexual nervous system, clothing
turns off certain types of sensory receptors, so she may feel nothing or
only discomfort while wearing clothing, yet experience a wide range of
stimulation and sensation when undressed. When undressed the movement of air
across her vulva may feel pleasant, or better than feeling nothing at all.
From a developmental standpoint, an awareness of a large range of genital
sensations is beneficial to adult sexuality and sexual pleasure, versus
believing your vulva is numb or only produced pain and discomfort.
The Female Sexual Nervous System: Stimulation and Sensation
If there is an actual need for or benefit to her going without some forms of
clothing then you should set limits about what she must wear while still
achieving this goal. While wearing a short T-shirt may be inappropriate,
what about wearing a knee and full length T-shirt, or sweat shirt in winter?
What about if she wears a full length night gown or dress? Perhaps both your
expectations can be met by a change in clothing when she is at home rather
than the removal of clothing.
When she comes into the living room you may want or need her to cover the
lower half of her body with a sheet, blanket, or towel, if her vulva may
come into view, and you consider this inappropriate. You might buy her some
light weight sundresses to wear around the house.
If her vulva is irritated by clothing then you may need to acquire different
types of clothing for her to wear. Perhaps underwear of a different style,
bikini or boxers versus briefs, or type of fabric, silk versus cotton, will
be more comfortable for her to wear. You might even try getting her
underwear intended for boys, as it may actually fit more comfortably,
especially boxers.
Social morality dictates that adult women have a wider range of underwear
options available to them than do girls, as it is likely be considered
inappropriate for a preadolescent girl to wear lingerie. Women have access
to tap pants, but they may not be available in sizes small enough for girls.
A couple years ago American society reacted negatively to the idea of thong
style underwear sized small enough to fit petite women and some preadolescent girls; girls
probably dislike "wedgies" just as much as adult women. Since preadolescent
girls do have fewer options available to them going without is one of the
few options they have.
Whether she is permitted to go without underwear when wearing a dress will
likely have to depend on the situation, as you probably cannot force her
too, because she can simply remove her underwear after she leaves the house
if she chooses to. If she is going shopping with you then it may be
appropriate, but not at school or on the playground. If she goes without,
she must know she must keep her vulva and buttocks concealed at all times,
which rules out running around and playing with her friends, and the like. I
believe it is reasonable and necessary for her to wear a full length dress
if she does go without underwear. If she is going without, underwear and
shorts or pants should be close at hand, either in your purse and/or car. A
condition you can set is that she always carries underwear in a purse or
knapsack when she goes without, and wearing underwear could be less
bothersome for her than adhering to this requirement. If she goes without at
school, even if you don't want her too, she should keep the same in her desk
or knapsack. She should also know this manner of dress at school will likely
result in potentially inappropriate and/or negative reactions from the other
students, and even the school staff.
She is old enough to know other girls and women don't go without underwear in public, or at least let others know when they do, and the same behavior
is expected of her. You can use yourself as an example. She needs to know it
is considered inappropriate, though admittedly it could be difficult to
explain why this is true in terms she can understand, or an adult for that
matter.
As far as showing your vulva to her, your feelings and expectations must
come first. She will sense that you are uncomfortable with this activity if
you permit it and you truly don't want to. I would explain to her that you
initially said yes because you felt that you should allow her to, but in
actuality you don't feel comfortable with doing it, as a result of how you
were raised as a child. You can explain to her that your mother's vulva was
off limits to you, and this is how you learned to feel about your own vulva,
and how this governs your actions today. Since your vulva is normally hidden
from her that only serves to increase her curiosity. If she cannot explore
your vulva, or in addition to it, she will likely explore the genitals of
her playmates if the opportunity presents itself.
There are certain aspects about your vulva that she will not be able to
learn about without touching, but if you aren't comfortable with this
activity then don't permit it. This activity has nothing to do with sex, but
with simple curiosity about the world that surrounds her. As adults we may
have a difficult time making a distinction between sexual and nonsexual
touch when it comes to our genitals, especially outside the context of a
doctor's office, and even then in some cases.
To allow her to explore or become more familiar with your vulva in a less
invasive manner you might ask her if she would like to take a shower or bath
with you. You can then show her how to care for her vulva by demonstrating
how on yourself. You can certainly show her how without allowing her to
touch. This situation could be more acceptable to you than sitting naked on
your bed, because of context. In the beginning you might simply bathe
together without any demonstration of technique, and with time you may or
may not feel comfortable with the idea of providing her unlimited access to
your vulva, something you could be permitted in regard to her vulva, as a
parent and adult, but this creates a bit of a double standard.
Question Part 2: Thank you for your reply.
I had a talk with my daughter about her way of dressing. She says that wearing panties feels uncomfortable. She claims it itches. She finds it more comfortable without. I even dared to ask if it felt nice to her, being bare under a dress. She answered no to that. But that the wind outside sometimes felt nice.
I told her that Im fine with her wearing what she likes when at home, but I preferred if she would wear at least a t-shirt, so wasen't completely naked. Also that she has to wear something that covers her buttom when we have guests. Regarding taking her shopping or alike without her wearing underwear I don't know. I think it will be a bit weird. Maybe I will take her for a walk one day and see how that goes. I don't know.
Regarding showing her my vulva, I have decided to take a shower with her soon, and offer her to wash my vulva so she can explore it while doing that. I can then offer her to look at it at the couch in the livingroom afterwards, if she's interested. I don't think I would have a problem with that. I'm just nervous that she might wanna retract my clitoral hood and touch my clitoris.
And I don't think that is a good idea. Wouldnt you agree?
Answer Part 2: Since she is experiencing itching, this indicates something is irritating the nerve endings of her vulva and possibly her buttocks. It could have something to do with the underwear, or her skin is already irritated and is sensitive to being in contact with the fabric. I believe the cause should be identified and resolved.
Everything other than plain water and air may irritate her vulvar tissues so you need to consider everything that is coming in contact with it. The most likely irritants are soaps, detergents, bubble baths, and the like. You might start washing her underwear in special detergent made for infants with sensitive skin, commonly used to wash diapers. You should also get her hypoallergenic soap to bath with, though she shouldn't being using soap on her vulva anyway; rinsing with fresh water is sufficient. It would be best if she showered rather than bathed, but if she does bath she can soak in the plain water then stand to wash and rinse, so her vulva isn't exposed to soapy water. Bubble baths are a common irritant and best not used, though fun; perhaps there are hypoallergenic types available. You might also get her a hypoallergenic body location to apply to the skin of her outer vulva; outer labia and pubic mound. If her mucous membranes are itching then a light coating of olive oil may reduce the irritation, and elimination of the irritant.
Here is a link to a company that sells products of the nature I mention, but they are commonly available at your local stores.
Hypoallergenic Soap and Laundry Detergent
Toilet paper may also cause irritation, and this is why they recommend women and girls use only plain white toilet paper having no scents or colors. It may be best if she didn't wipe her vulva after urination, but rather to rinse her vulva with plain water, or wipe with her fingers and then wash them; it all depends on how much residual moisture remains. If she spreads her labia with her fingers while urinating, or squats down, there may be no residual moisture eliminating the need to wipe. She should only wipe after a bowel movement, front to back, but then again washing her anal area would be best if possible; perhaps she can take a quick bath after a bowel movement.
I would recommend you both go without underwear during a normal daily activity rather than going without during an activity you are doing only for that purpose. For starters, just go without at home, then during casual activities outside the home when you are comfortable doing so. You don't want you minds focusing on the absence of underwear, but the activity. Though going for walks together would be good for your relationship, and the naughty secret you share mutually amusing.
It seems to me it would be physically awkward for her to examine your vulva in the manner you describe. I believe it would be easier for both of you if you showed her your vulva while you examined it with a mirror, so you both can see what you are showing her. Perhaps she can then use the mirror to examine herself, while you both note the differences. You might ensure she has easy access to a hand mirror so she can examine herself anytime she likes.
I recommended taking a shower as it would allow her to see your vulva during a normal daily activity that allows you to maintain some level of personal space and comfort. In the beginning, simply see your vulva from the outside may satisfy her curiosity, but little will be visible for her to see, depending on the amount of pubic hair present.
I don't know that many mothers allow their daughter to touch and examine their vulva, and this could be beyond their comfort level. If you feel comfortable doing so and she expresses a desire to, go for it, but otherwise stay within your comfort levels. It would be beneficial for her to know what your vulva looks, feels, and smells like, so she has some comparison to your own, but this is an ideal probably not possible in the majority of mother-daughter relationships.
Question: I find my boyfriend very attractive however I rarely feel the desire to have sex, I can become a lot more turned on when I am alone. Also, when I masturbate I feel the need to detach myself from my body, so I can still experience the pleasure without it actually being 'my' experience (I hope that makes sense).
I was just wondering is there is any explanation for these feelings as they can get me quite down.
Answer: When masturbating you are permitted to focus on your needs and there are
little to no distractions to worry about, or get in the way. During
partnered sex there is simply a lot more going on and many women find they
cannot focus on the sexual experience, and experience impaired arousal and
orgasm as a result. Women tend to be givers rather than receivers, and this
is a major obstacle too. During masturbation you can focus on a fantasy or
form of erotica, and this is often times impossible during partnered sex,
unless you make it possible. During masturbation you also provide the ideal
form of physical stimulation, what you are accustomed too, which is less
likely during partnered sex. Many women report their most intense orgasms
occur while masturbating, for the reasons given above.
During partnered sex you need to recreate your masturbation scenario and
technique as much as possible. The easiest way to do this is to masturbate
while your partner watches. The next way is for them to give you a full body
massage that allows you to relax and focus on your sexual fantasies. As you
become sexually aroused their stimulation works into your fantasy, becomes a
part of the fantasy, rather than being a purely physical experience. You
should communicate to them beforehand the type of stimulation you require
and when. The massage should start out nonsexual and progress to sexual when
you are mentally prepared, relaxed, and in the appropriate state of mind.
This generally requires 1 to 2 hours of time without interruptions and
distractions.
Without more detail I cannot address your concerns about your masturbation
scenario. I believe I get the jest of what you are saying, and this would
tend to be a problem when it comes to partnered sex, outside the context I
describe above. How can leave your body if someone is there distracting your
from doing so, and doing things outside the appropriate context?
I believe many women choose partners to fulfill for nonsexual motives, which
creates a problem when it comes to sex. Finding your partner "attractive"
isn't the same thing as finding him "sexually attractive." Does he only look
nice, have a nice personality, is attractive to other women, or does he make
your clit throb? A great friend doesn't necessarily make a great lover. It
can be difficult to find a partner that fulfills are your needs, sexual and
nonsexual, though society tends to say this should be easily accomplished.
Many if not most women, and men, have to choose a partner that fulfills the
majority of, but not all, their needs. The greater the amount of
unfulfillment the more volatile the relationship tends to be and less likely
to last.
Question: Me and my girlfreind had sex around 2 weeks ago and the condom came off inside of her (we think, we couldn't find it afterwards), she still had her period, but we're worried she could get an infection, is there anthing we should be worried about?
Answer: You both, at different times, should be able to insert one to two fingers into her vagina and do a sweep for foreign objects. Locate her cervix, it will feel firm like the tip of your nose, and explore all the way around it, where it meets the vagina, as it should project slightly into vagina; more towards the back than the front. It may help if she squats down on her haunches, on the floor when she does it, or on a sturdy counter or lays on her back with knees pulled towards her chest while you do it. Be sure to wash your hands beforehand and apply plenty of sexual lubricant, olive or vegetable will do if you don't have access to a water based personal lubricant, but don't use these oils when you are using a condom during intercourse. She needs to be able relax during this, especially her pelvic muscles. Have her squeeze your or her finger(s) with her pelvic muscles, pretends to stop the flow of urine from her body, before you start doing the sweeps. If you locate something but cannot remove it then try using less lubricant, or rinsing it out with a plain water douche. If it doesn't come out then time to visit the doctor. If she starts developing an unpleasant odor or unusual discharge that likely means something is trapped within her vagina that shouldn't be.
Question Part 1: Help!! Very worried! Bruises?
I am 18 years old, a female, and have just had sex for the first time. I noticed a huge amount of pain trying to fit him in, as I am very tight and my partner is rather large. I was rather sore afterwards.
What scares me is that now the entrance to my vagina is swollen and has two blackish blueish spots on the entrance, one a little larger than the other. They are not raised and aren't painful to the touch. Are these bruises, or should I be worried? I had sex about 5-6 hours ago.
If I was not detailed enough please let me know!! I am very worried! Also, sorry if the picture of myself isn't very clear. I also marked a diagram of where the blue spots are.
Answer Part 1: I am not a doctor so I cannot provide a medical diagnosis only general
information.
Since the vulvar tissues are mucosal in nature, a bruise, or hematoma, would
look different here than when affecting skin on areas like the arms and
legs. What you describe is possibly a "vulvar hematoma," which is bruising
of the mucosal tissues of the vulva. One of my medical references shows an
image depicting a vulvar hematoma in which the labia minora are dark purple
in color, almost black, and swollen and shiny.
Wikipedia.org: Hematoma
Wikipedia.org: Mucous Membrane
The only images I could find on the internet that come close to showing the
same type of injury are from a book on Pediatric and Adolescent Gynecology.
The images linked to below are from a chapter on sexual abuse and are quite
graphic, so don't view them it they would possibly upset you. All other
images were of very large hematomas of the vulva.
Outdated Link Removed
I would monitor your vulva closely for the next couple of days and consult a doctor if things do not begin to improve, worsen, or signs of infection develop. Wear loose airy clothing, so as not to irritate things further, or cause discomfort. Rinse the area with plain water to help keep it clean.
The page linked to below states, "A small vulvar hematoma usually can be
controlled by pressure with an ice pack. The vulva should be kept clean and
dry. "
Access Medicine : Genital Injuries
Here is a link to a book that mentions vulvar hematomas and their care.
[Reference is no longer available.]
Google: vulvar hematomas and their care
If your partner was pointing his penis in the wrong direction or place then
I wouldn't be surprised if you experienced bruising afterwards, as an erect
penis would be as hard as a stick. The potential strain placed on your
hymen may have also stressed the surrounding tissues.
Question Part 2: I was hoping to somehow get my mom to schedule a gyno appointment
without telling her what happened. I do not want her to know I am
sexually active. The first appointment we can get would be in April as
the one she goes to is very booked... would that be too late to fix any
damage, if there is anything seriously wrong?
Answer Part 2: Without knowing the actual diagnosis it is difficult to predict the possible
outcome, especially if medical care was required but not obtained.
As with bruising in general, I would expect the worst to be over in a couple
days. If things aren't starting to improve after that I would recommend
seeing a doctor ASAP. If you cannot move without experience intense pain
then you need to see them sooner. The survey on the website asking about a
woman's first experience of intercourse will provide some indication of how
long others were sore afterwards, and the level of pain experienced.
Survey: A Woman's First Experience of Vaginal Intercourse
Can you tell your mom you slipped and hit your vulva on something? If nothing else, you can claim the old standby, itching and odor caused by a yeast infection. You can then tell the doctor what the real story is once you meet them.
Question: Is it wrong to be turned on by rape videos? Because I often find that I am most sexual when I think or see rape, and it worries me that maybe there is something wrong with me.
Answer: I mention this possibility on the website when addressing the subject of
women discovering the type of erotica that provides the greatest amount of
mental sexual stimulation, and increases the likelihood of orgasm, when they
are learning how to be orgasmic. If vanilla erotica doesn't arouse a woman
then I suggest she explore more taboo subjects like rape. As an adult, I don't believe you
have control over the type of erotica that arouses you, only
when you allow yourself to be exposed to it.
If it is or becomes a fixation, meaning this is the only context in which
you can experience sexual arousal then it could be a reason for concern. If
you start seeking out videos portraying nonconsensual sex then that is also
reason for concern. In the case of rape scenes that are acted out by
consenting individuals you know this, and in the back of your mind this
serves as a safety buffer between fantasy and reality, and condoning actual
rape.
Some women do act out rape scenes and scenarios with partners, but the key
point is that they have given their consent beforehand, so it doesn't
actually constitute an actual rape. I have witnessed some very over the top sexual roleplaying that were based on rape and prisoner of war scenarios. There
was intense physical and mental stimulation, and perhaps some physical
injury on a non life threatening nature.
For Additional Information See:
Can you explain why the only times that I have had an orgasm during intercourse has been after being "played" (BDSM) by my ex-boyfriend.. (Explores how physical activity and mild stress and anxiety may facilitate sexual arousal and orgasm.)
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