Question Part 1: First off, I'm happy that I came across this website. This site has answered some of my constant worries. I hope I can make this short and sweet but sorry if this turns out long. This is really hard for me to write about.
I am a 21 year old female that has not had a orgasm yet. I'm thinking my past experiences are affecting my ability to do so.
I first starting exploring myself when I was very young, maybe 6 or 7 years old. I'm not sure exactly how, but a close friend at the time also female became sexual with me. We played "house" which was really us playing the character mom or dad, and acting out what they did, which was sex but at the time I don't think we were aware of that. So it was outercourse/dry humping. I always thought it was wrong and felt bad because it was sneaky, but it felt good. I can now admit that it felt good to grind on each other, before I couldn't admit that. I stopped hanging out with her because I felt bad and I didn't understand and didn't know who to talk to about it. I don't remember being told negative things about sexuality/sex when I was little, but for some reason it felt bad.Is this something common among young children exploring themselves? Dry humping?
But that didn't stop my curiosity, I frequently watched porn that my dad watched at night. I remember trying to see my sister naked. And I was also turned on by women in magazines.
Later on I thought there was something wrong with me, I fantasized and touched myself. I begin to have sexual dreams, some times with family members. I then saw a show on homosexuality and freaked out. I knew nothing about being gay or bisexual or lesbian but thought I was and confessed to my parents at the time, which was my dad and step mom, what had happened when I was little. What I remember being told was that I was ok, and that maybe the girl I became sexual with had that happen to her and was just acting out what she learned. And that being gay was ok.
Since that incident I tried to forget and not do anything sexual that was associated to what happened when I was kid. The weird thing is, it happened to me more then once, I had two separate cousins, both female who try to be sexual with me with the lets play "house". I guess it was common? But I didn't allow it to happen.
Through out elementary school and middle school I had crushes on guys but never was sexual with them, was too afraid, ashamed and very confused. But I recall myself always trying to be "sexy" around them. I loved attention back then.
When I got to high school, my female best friend told me that she liked me. We were very close and I was understanding, but I didn't like her in that way. I was not sexually attracted to her, I liked guys which she hated. Our friendship grew a part because of that and because I couldn't handle the flirtation and the ups and downs. She left to another school and I was actually happy.
In high school I begin to like this guy, we were friends for at least two years and then started dating our junior year which was when we were 17 I think. We became sexually active and it hurt really really bad. Sex was always complicated because we had to sneak, either having sex in the back of the car, or in my room when no parents were home, or at his home. What felt good was his touching, and kissing, he could get me wet with just a kiss. We often made out in movie theaters because it was the only time we could be in the dark. I gave him hand jobs and he fingered me.
As soon as I started thinking of everything in the past, I started to guilt trip myself, that I shouldn't be having sex, I shouldn't be giving him hand jobs. I just felt bad and ashamed, mostly because we were sneaking, and because of what happened when I was young.
When we got to college, sex got better because we had our own space. We started to try different positions. My boyfriend was really into what felt good to me and still is till this day. Whenever it felt like I was getting close to an orgasm, nothing happened. It would feel so good, and then all of a sudden the feeling went away. This put a drag on our relationship because my boyfriend felt that he was not able to please me.He often wanted me to masturbate, but masturbation was associated to the past, and I didn't want to go there because it was bad. For the longest time we argued over that because he never understood my confusion. He's a guy, its ok for him to masturbate, to watch porn, or anything that gets him off, but I was ashamed and thought it was all bad for me to do the same.
We have been together for four years now and I still haven't had an orgasm. I don't want to loose him over my orgasm. So the past three weeks I have been trying to be more open to masturbation, porn, foreplay and oral sex with my boyfriend. So far its been going really well even though I haven't had an orgasm and still feeling ashamed. It feels good to hear him moan, and I know it makes him feel good to hear me moan and to feel that I'm wet. It was hard for me to allow him to pleasure me with his hands, but it was also a turn on to give him a hand job at the same time.
I think what is bothering me is not understanding my sexuality, my desires as a female. I love him and I want to be with him and have great sex with him, but at the same time I'm having trouble being totally open to exploration, watching porn, masturbating. Even though I can now understand my past experiences as sexual exploration, I'm still bothered. No one told me that being a sexual being was totally ok. I suppressed my sexuality so long without even realizing it, that now when I need it for my relationship to last its a challenge. To top it off, I find women attractive, I'm always aware of a woman's physical appearance. At times I'm like, "oh I wish I had those boobs", or "She's hot" and get turned on sometimes. Especially when I'm horny I'm aware of good looking females. Is that normal? I use to have sexual dreams with both women and men where in my dreams I had orgasms (I don't think in my sleep though), but that has stop now mainly because my boyfriend got upset that my orgasms were happening in my dreams and not with him. I want to share all of this with my boyfriend, he's understanding but he may take this as "we're not meant to be together" which I'm afraid of.Your website has helped me be more understanding of myself as a sexual being and that its ok to fantasize, and masturbate and watch porn. But one of my huge concerns is, why haven't I had an orgasm? Is it because of my past?, Is it because I find some women attractive and this means I should be with a woman? I'm the biggest worry wart, this is constantly on my mind. Also to add, my sex drive comes and goes, it takes a lot more foreplay for me to get wet, and it takes longer for sex to feel good.
I probably didn't say everything that I had to say, but I hope you get what I'm saying/asking. I look forward to your e-mail and thanks for having this site!
Answer Part 1: Many women have written to the website and said that while they engaged in "sexual" activities as a child they did not associate these activities with "sex" until they were much older. Sex is an adult concept that is beyond most young children, and not so young children, to understand and comprehend. Young children engage in activities because they are curious or because they provide some form of reward. They may mimic adults in order to understand why adults do what they do, and the rewards adults get from them. They engage in activities we as adults define as "sexual," but to children they are simply an activity they are curious about or that gives them physical pleasure and reward. If anything, sex is a concept that we can not apply to children because it is beyond their comprehension and motivation. This means, as a young girl you couldn't and didn't do something of a "sexual" nature that you can or should feel guilty about today.
I believe children learn at a young age that adults hide their bodies and sexuality from them, which the child interprets as meaning they are something bad. They don't know what sex is, but they know if it was something good it wouldn't be hidden from them. Parents try to shield "bad" things from their children, and children quickly pick up on this. Without using words, but through their actions, children learn from their parents that sex is bad. Even though it is bad, because it is hidden from them, they are curious to know what is hidden from them and they want to know what it is like. If adult nudity and sex were not hidden from them it would represent less of a mystery, and while they may mimic adult sexual activity their motives would be different, and they wouldn't feel bad about doing what every parent has done, or they wouldn't exist.
If you read the Q&A linked to below you will see that other children engage in "sexual activities."
child_sex.htm
Many girls learn on their own that rubbing their vulva against objects and people can be pleasurable and your childhood playmate may not have been taught to "dry hump" but learned it all on her own. Too many adults assume children are without sexual capacities and unable to figure things out on their own, when it reality they have more sexual ability than adults, because they are not impaired by awareness of what "sex" is in adult terms. Your friend may have learned through the experience of "making out" that rubbing her vulva against another person felt good, having no idea that adult women may experience the same. She may have learned the activity was pleasurable as a result of your experiences together rather than prior to them.
According to a survey on the website, 52% of women who identify as "heterosexual" explored the genitals of other girls when they were 9 years old and younger. 35% of these women engaged in sexual activities with other girls at the same age. This demonstrates that you are hardly alone in your experience and that these "same sex" activities are common among "heterosexual" women, and women in general. Your actions and experiences were not the result of sexual motives, desires, or orientation. You were simply girls being normal girls exploring the world around them.When all women are taken into consideration, regardless of their current sexual orientation, 51% have explored the genitals of other girls, and 36% have engaged in sexual activities with other girls, when they were 9 years of age and younger. By comparison, 37% and 27% of women explored the genitals of boys and engaged in sexual experiences with boys respectively. This means girls are 1.4 times more likely to explore the genitals of another girl and 1.3 times more likely to explore sex with another girl than they are to do the same with a boy. I believe this is simply the result of the amount of time they spend together, and parents are more likely to allow girls to sleep and bathe together than girls and boys. Girls likely have more opportunity to explore than do boys and girls. Girls simply have more opportunity to fulfill curiosity and to experiment. It has nothing to do with sex or sexual motives, even if as adults we see the end result as being sexual in nature.
You can read my views on sexual orientation and more survey results that address sexual orientation on the pages linked to below.
poll_orientation.htm
orientation.htm
Your high school friend may not have "known" about your prior experiences, and simply was a friend in search of an outlet for her own sexual desires and needs. As her friend you would have been a more likely candidate than a stranger to fulfill her sexual desires and needs. It is also possible that because of "gaydar" she picked up on something you aren't aware of about yourself, something that you don't want to admit too. She may also have misinterpreted your anxiety to mean something it didn't, or that since you didn't reject her outright you accepted her and her sexual orientation. She may have thought you were too afraid to act on your mutual feelings, and that does seem like a possibility.
To resolve your current situation the first thing you must do is accept your prior experiences and feelings as normal, and acknowledge that you did nothing wrong or abnormal by participating in them. Read through the information presented above, and the shared experiences and masturbation techniques on the website, and learn that many share your experiences and anxiety, yet are perfectly normal. You need to learn to accept those prior experiences and explore and learn from them rather than run away from them, or be ashamed of them. Perhaps you need to stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself over and over that you are normal and did nothing wrong, and that others share similar experiences. You need to think about and explore every aspect of those experiences and welcome and sexual feelings and responses they bring about. As I mention in the article about sexual orientation, 70% of your peers have thought about sex with another girl or women, so you are normal for doing so.
Your inability to experience orgasm now could be related to your trying to deny or run away from your prior sexual experiences with your female friend as a young girl. If sexual pleasure occurred and orgasm was a possibility or reality, by denying those activities you may deny yourself those experiences today. So I recommend exploring and reenacting those experiences. Use a pillow, furniture cushion, or a large stuffed animal to rub against, as you relive those prior experiences, and welcome them rather than feeling bad about them. You may need to dress for and play out these entire experiences, and learn and accept that they were normal and beneficial experiences. Imagine yourself as that 6 or 7 year old girl exploring her body and sexuality with her friend. Push any bad thoughts and messages from your head. You may have to repeat this activity several times until you can relive those experiences without feeling bad about them and stopping. When the bad thoughts occur, tell yourself that you did and are doing nothing wrong. You may have to do this several times before it works. You may have to write down your experiences, keeping everything positive, and then read your story over and over again until your can read it in your mind, and possibly out loud, and not have those bad thoughts emerge. Hopefully, you will experience sexual arousal as a result and can explore masturbation when you feel comfortable doing so.
Many women share your interest and attraction to other women, and this is also addressed in the article about sexual orientation. You need to accept these experiences and feelings as being normal too, just like your childhood experiences. These are common experiences, so in of themselves they may mean nothing, they don't mean you are a lesbian or bisexual.
While some women "know" they are lesbians, I believe many more receive mixed messages from themselves and others. At present, you need to consider whether you are sexually attracted to your boyfriend, or simply going through the motions of sex because you believe you should, or to fulfill nonsexual needs and motives. Are you sexually compatible, or friends trying to be sexual; perhaps his sexual interests are sincere but yours are not. I believe many of your peers are having sex because they believe they should, rather than because they are clearly driven to have sex with anyone in particular.
The general advise given to preorgasmic women is that they shouldn't engage in partnered sex, as it distracts them from their own needs and confuses things. If you are unsure of your sexual orientation then sex with either a man or woman is more likely to confuse you more rather than less. If you have sex with another woman and experience orgasm does that mean you are a lesbian or simply that she knew which buttons to press, or the idea of it turned you on more than does heterosexual sex? Does not experiencing orgasm with your boyfriend mean you aren't heterosexual or that he doesn't know the right buttons to press? Perhaps, because of your prior experiences, you cannot experience orgasm with anyone, and your sexual orientation is irrelevant. Since you cannot masturbate to orgasm you don't yet know if you have the ability to experience orgasm, even if you have the capacity.
Your changing level of desire could be the result of your menstrual cycle and changing levels of environmental stress. To gain an understanding of this you may need to keep a menstrual calendar that records your menstrual cycle and sexual experiences and desires. You may need to reduce the stress in your life by simplifying it, which may mean a break in the dating and sex rather than an end to the relationship. You may need to tell your boyfriend you need time to figure yourself out, rather than because you don't have feelings for him or need a break from him. If he truly cares for you he will understand this and be supportive, even if makes him unhappy. This is not something he can fix or provide the answers too, as this is about you alone.
If you continue to engage in partnered sex then you need to explore sexual pleasure rather than setting a goal of orgasm. If sex doesn't feel good orgasm becomes an impossibility. Learn to give each other mutual pleasure rather than attempt orgasm.
You and your boyfriend may want to recreate and reenact your experiences with your childhood friend, after first telling him about these experiences and your resulting anxiety. If you can relive these experiences without feeling bad about them then perhaps you can allow yourself to enjoy them and experience orgasm. Perhaps you can learn to experience orgasm with him during outercourse, while you imagine he is your childhood friend. If he could assume her role and identity, and feel comfortable playing the part of a girl, and doesn't misinterprets your desires and intentions, this may prove to be very beneficial, even if orgasm doesn't result. Some guys can't handle knowing their girlfriend thinks of others in a sexual context, even though they do the same; a double standard. This is why partnered sex often makes experiencing orgasm less likely for the preorgasmic.
I hope this information is of help. If you still should have questions and concerns please feel free to write again.Question Part 2: Thanks for the reply. I have been thinking about my sex drive ever since I sent the first e-mail. I do realize because of my experience from when I was a child, I did try to not accept myself as a sexual individual unless it was with my boyfriend. My boyfriend, very concern about my ability to orgasm always wondered why I did not masturbate. I shared with him last week why, and how this site has been helpful. I just didn't think masturbation was important or that it was ok, and really associated it to my friend.
When my boyfriend and I were in high school, we did a lot of foreplay, and it felt really good, to kiss to touch and rub. But I was very shy because of the past. At times felt really bad because of being sexual with him at a young age or the fact that we touched each other privates. When we got to college, it was the only time I felt a bit more secure about having sex because we had our own place (the dorms/apt). To lay next to him turned me on, to feel him get a hard on turned me on. To kiss turned me on, so I'm very sexually attracted to my boyfriend, but things are not like that now four years later. It's really hard for me to get sexually aroused. I'm thinking it can be because of stress/worry a lot, lack of exercise, birth control pills, and my relationship ups and downs.
Your advice to take a break to figure things out was actually what I did. We were having a hard time, and I thought it was best for us to have space because our relationship was falling a part. It was falling apart because of sex; my lack of sex drive. This break (we are currently still living a part) helped me realize some things about myself so I'm thankful that we took the break. During this break, I have been trying to discover what feels good to me, and I do masturbate now. I am trying to accept what happened to me when I was younger as a normal experience, sometimes it bothers me, but I tell myself, "it was just an experience". I have shared this with my boyfriend and he has been really open and understanding.
When I masturbate though, mostly to the sound of people having sex, it feels like I'm about to have an orgasm (feels really really good), but then it doesn't go anywhere. I find myself having I guess contractions but minutes later. Is that normal?
My boyfriend and I now do a lot more foreplay now than before which has helped a lot!, I know that my clit does not like direct stimulation, it likes indirect. Even though my boyfriend rubs me for at least 20-30min, it doesn't get me there. So I have been thinking of some things that may help get me there. I like when we talk "sexy" during sexual play and I like when he smacks my ass. Also four years ago when we tried a lot of positions, I found it pleasurable to be on top with him sitting up, this is something that we're trying again.
As for my anxiety about everything, I have decided to see a sex therapist because I think it would be helpful. I do tend to worry myself a lot about things, and I find it helpful to talk it over with someone, it just helps me feel ok. Also I am including my boyfriend in a lot my findings of what feels good to me and what turns me on. Sometimes he laughs because its not often that I sit down and tell him what's a turn on and what's a turn off. My anxiety comes in when the pressure is on to get sex right. Sex has been a drainer the past two years for our relationship, so really its to the point where sex will save our relationship. My boyfriend takes it personal that he's not able to help me reach orgasm, and it just puts a lot of pressure on us both to figure things out. I never realized how important sex was till it started effecting my relationship with my boyfriend. I want to have a fulfilling sex life. I really do, and it took a long time to finally want it.
I have been working on not guilt tripping myself about it all including my experience with my friend when I was a child or the fact that at times I'm aware of women sexually though I do not have any desire to be with a woman. Its interesting to know that I have experience the same/similar things as many other women have, and it reassures me the complexity and beauty of sexuality. I'm now looking forward to exploring myself more as well as my boyfriend, and even have thought of including erotica/porn in our routine. As in reenacting what happened during my childhood, I'm not able to do so without feeling emotional. So that is something I do not wish to bring into my relationship. As for my friend in high school, she did say that she thought I was a possibility [a lesbian] because of my experience from when I was a child.
Thanks again for your response, and my two main questions now are what's going on when I feel like I'm about to orgasm but can't?
and
I have a hard time fantasizing when masturbating, sometimes I just have to watch erotica/porn, what can I do to improve this?Answer Part 2: It is nice to hear that you and your boyfriend are starting to communicate more about your sexual needs and pleasures.
Have you tried using a muscle massager or vibrator? They can provide sustained and intense stimulation, and many women (14%) say a vibrator gave them their first orgasm. The other option is water spray from a showerhead or tub faucet, which accounted for 6% of women's first orgasm. 35% of women report their first orgasm occurred as a result stimulating their clitoris with their fingers, so the majority (65%) experienced their first orgasm using other techniques.
It sounds like you may experience secondary desire for your boyfriend and primary desire for women, or at least women you find visually attractive or sexually attractive. This is perhaps a common experience for women. Your desire for your boyfriend would be secondary if you do not experience spontaneous desire for him even when he isn't present or isn't doing something physically to you. His actions appear to cause sexual arousal and desire in you, rather than them occurring totally on their own. Primary desire would be thoughts of him that become sexually arousing in of themselves. Wet dreams or uncontrolled sexual arousal would be examples of spontaneous primary desire. Many women don't experience primary desire, that is something sexual or physical must occur to them before they experience sexual arousal, which results in sexual desire. Their sexual desire occurs as a result of their sexual arousal rather than sexual desire causing their sexual arousal. Some of this may relate to your discomfort about being a young sexual girl/woman. You may become more aware of sexual desire as you become more comfortable being a sexual woman.
I believe just about every woman who experiences sexual arousal but not orgasm hits a wall that prevents orgasms, and want to know how to get over that wall, and why it occurs. That is a question I don't know the answer to, and I don't know that anyone does. A simple fact is that you can lead a woman to orgasm but you can't make her cum. Many women are simply afraid of surrendering control or of being a sexual and perhaps out of control woman, and their mind creates a barrier to orgasm. You have spent much of your life trying to control and suppress your sexual desires and feelings, and now need to release your sexuality. You have had the wrong expectations of yourself too, and need to change your expectations, and have started doing so. Some women cannot experience orgasm because of physical or health related reasons, like women on antidepressants, because these medications are believed to block or impair the chemical messengers that allow orgasm to occur.
I mention on the website that women often choose the wrong subject material to fantasize and masturbate with. You may be trying to fantasize about sex with your boyfriend when what you really should be thinking about is having sex with one of those women you have found sexually attractive in the past or present. You may be censoring your fantasies, trying to be a prim and proper heterosexual young woman. Romantic fantasies simply wont work if your brain finds rape fantasies or other equally taboo subjects the most arousing. You need to read through other women's fantasies and sexual stories to find a theme or themes that work for you. Once you find a suitable theme then you can write your own fantasy. You can try introducing erotica into your partnered sexual activities, but you both may or may not find the same material sexually arousing, but you may both like girl/girl sex, because you like the female form and he finds women sexually attractive.
During partnered sex the occurrence of orgasm often becomes an indication that it is ok to end the sexual experience. Couples continue to have sex until they each have an orgasm, if that is desired, or one of the partners, most often the woman, fakes their orgasm. When orgasm doesn't occur it is hard to know when it is ok to stop having sex. You both may be working too hard to bring yourselves to orgasm, and continue to engage in sex for too long, placing a strain on yourselves physically and mentally, and on the relationship.
One possible solution would be for you both to admit and accept that you can't have an orgasm, but then choose to explore sexual pleasure together. To provide a means of indicating when the sexual experience should end without the occurrence of orgasm you might consider using a cooking timer. Admittedly this sound very mechanical, but it also simplifies the experience. Initially set the timer for like 10 minutes and have your partner stimulate one of your erogenous zones for that amount of time, say your nipples or thighs. When the time is up have him switch to another erogenous zone, say your outer labia or anus, or simply curl up together and go to sleep. Over an extended period of time slowly increase the amount of time of these exercises, the purpose being pleasure not orgasm. Depending on your mood and allotted time you can vary the amount of time you dedicate to "sexual pleasure." You can do the same for him.
Limit your "pleasure sessions" to a time period that doesn't leave you sexually frustrated. The idea is for you to discover what feels good physically, and enjoy sexual arousal. If you don't learn to enjoy the pleasures of sex you may never learn to experience orgasm, or if you never learn how to experience orgasm, you would then never learn how to enjoy sex. You really need to return to the time when you explored pleasure with your female friend as a child, when you had no concept of sex or orgasm. You did what you did because it felt good.
If you enjoy giving your boyfriend pleasure then give him a hand-job, perform fellatio, or even engage in intercourse, especially when you are on top, until he experiences orgasm. You don't need to do this ever time you have sex, and probably shouldn't. Try to make him understand that you enjoy giving him pleasure, because it makes you happy, but only if this it true. If you don't enjoy giving him pleasure or are jealous of his orgasms you shouldn't be having sex together.
Don't allow your boyfriend's insecurities compound your own. He needs to accept the fact that your inability to experience orgasm has nothing to do with him. He needs to read through the website and see that many other couples find themselves in the same situation. He needs to read the article, Orgasm: Did She? and accept what it says. It is unlikely that he would bring another woman to orgasm every time either, even if she could masturbate to orgasm. He simply expects too much of himself and you, and other men and women.
Being "emotional" with your boyfriend isn't a bad thing, and if you explain why in advance, he may not be distressed by it, should you decide to explore your prior girl/girl experiences with him. Unfortunately, in the US anyway, we aren't open to outward express of negative emotions. We act as if the emotion is the problem rather than being a symptom of the problem. We tend to tell people everything is ok and that they don't need to cry, when in actually they do need to cry, because the cause of their crying isn't or can't be addressed. It may help you both if you can curl up in his lap and cry your heart out, but this would require him not to be afraid of your crying, nor that he has to fix you or the problem.
Question: Hello my name is Toni and I am 18 years old and my boyfriend and I have been having sex for about two weeks now. I was curious to see what my vagina looked like after my hymen had been broken and I saw a small mound of flesh right above my opening. it is not my clitoris but something seemingly different all together...not knowing what it is makes me a little nervous about my vagina. Could you please tell me what it could be??
I would also like to discuss my lack of sexual satisfaction with my boyfriend although I am aroused both mentally and physically he cannot seem to help me achieve an orgasm...he has had a number of partners before me so I do not think that it is because of him. The fact that I cannot experience an orgasm upsets us both and makes me feel painfully different from other girls. It makes me believe that there is just something wrong with my vagina and that I will never experience an orgasm. Please help me.Answer: The area in question is perhaps your urethral meatus. In some women this is a prominent feature, because the female prostate gland is located directly behind this area. It often has an irregular shape and skin tags. Please see the information linked to below:
loc_vag.htm
ejacula.htm
Given that 55% of women have faked orgasm and that more than 1 out of every 10 orgasms is faked, it is unlikely your peers and his prior sexual partners experience or have experienced as much pleasure as you or he believes. Please read through the Q&As linked to below, as you will find you aren't alone in your experience. Possible solutions are provided.qa_index_puberty.htm
vag_org.htm
Question: I have found your site full of information and am grateful for it. I want to know about sex during pregnancy. I have heard that it is not safe for the fetus; yet I have heard that women's sexual appetite increases during pregnancy... Please elaborate of this.
Answer: Please see the information linked to below:
http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/pregnancy_newborn/pregnancy/sex_pregnancy.html
http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/159_516.asp
http://www.homeandfamilynetwork.com/pregnancy/sex.html
http://www.babycenter.com/0_why-you-might-need-to-say-no-to-pregnancy-sex_745.bc?Ad=com.bc.common.AdInfo%406a5a638b
Question Part 1: I have a history of repetitive childhood sexual abuse and a rape in college. I had therapy at the time and have had 20 great years with an awesome marriage, sex life, career, and two great kids. When my oldest child went to college this year and I had to have a hysterectomy I started having significant psychological problems similar to how things were 20 years ago. I am back in therapy. When I have to talk about the abuse or the rape and really feel the feelings with the therapist I lubricate vaginally.
I feel so guilty about this and it makes me feel like a bad person. Could this possibly be normal? I expected the lubrication to decrease with the hysterectomy but it has been shockingly increased-I am on some estrogen. Thank you.
Answer Part 1: Based on your statements, I am assuming your ovaries were removed at the same time as your uterus. As you may know, your ovaries produce estrogens and androgens. Estrogens do influence the general health of your vagina, including vaginal lubrication and elasticity. Androgen's like testosterone influence your sexual desire, and responsiveness to sexual stimulation. Altered hormone levels, as a result of the removal of your ovaries and hormone replacement therapy, could change your responsiveness to physical and mental sexual stimulation, but these changes would apply to all your daily activities, not just your therapy sessions.
I am not a doctor, but is seems possible the hormonal changes in your body after the surgery could be responsible for the psychological symptoms you mention, just consider all the symptoms associated with PMS, rather than the prior experiences of sexual abuse and rape. You may want to bring these symptoms to the attention of the doctor who prescribed you the estrogen. They may need to change the type or dosage of hormones you are receiving. Perhaps they need to measure your hormone levels and consult with your therapist.
For you to experience vaginal lubrication then there needs to be increased blood flow to your vagina, usually indicative of sexual arousal. For sexual arousal to occur there must be physical or mental sexual stimulus.
I suspect that in the retelling of your prior experiences your brain is responding to the sexual theme of these experiences rather than their context. Sexual abuse and rape by definition involve sexual activity, so you are talking about sex in the process of talking about these experiences. They aren't positive experiences but they are still sexual in nature. Twenty years of positive sexual experiences may have altered how your brain process sexual thoughts in general, so your mind may respond differently to the retelling of these experiences today than it did in the past. You are likely more comfortable with sex today than you were then, based on recent experiences more so than distant experiences.
It is also possible that you are responding to the act of relating these sexual experiences to your therapist. It is possible the dynamics of your relationship with your therapist are such that talking about sex with then is sexually arousing for you. Perhaps the same dynamics did not exist with your prior therapists. You may simply be more comfortable with the idea of talking about these experiences today, and the sexual theme becomes more apparent to your subconscious mind.
One scenario I have heard mentioned in regard to "perceived inappropriate sexual response" involves a rape counselor who is sexually aroused by the telling of a sexually violent crime. The story should disgust them but the sexual theme rather than context has the totally opposite affect on them. This reaction on their part is considered perfectly normal, as logically they know what is being told is wrong, but do to the complexities of the human brain their subconscious mind responds in an unexpected way. If it is normal for them to be sexually aroused by the telling of your story, it is equally normal for you to be sexually aroused by the telling of your story, as you are both merely human.
So you are normal. Do we need to know exactly why you are experiencing increased vaginal lubrication, no, as that reason is irrelevant and doesn't change the end result. It could be important to your therapist, but that is beyond my level of expertise to determine.
You might mention to your therapist that you are experiencing increased vaginal lubrication, as it does provide an indication of your mental makeup today. I am not a therapist, but it seems like it would be an important piece of the puzzle. If they respond inappropriately then you need a different therapist, one who is better trained and has a greater knowledge of human sexuality.
I hope this information is of help.Question Part 2: Thanks-I just had my hormone levels checked for the second time and will find out those results soon. The psychological symptoms include dissociative episodes and they started before the surgery but have worsened somewhat in frequency since the surgery. I have just gone back to work after six weeks off and hopefully this will improve the dissociations as I will not be alone so much.
My therapist is the same one I saw 20 years ago and I guess I need to tell her about the lubrication even if it is hard. I have not heard about the rape counselor perceived inappropriate sexual responses but it makes sense to me. ThanksAnswer Part 2: I don't know if "perceived inappropriate sexual responses" is an actual medical or psychological term, I kind of put the words together to describe the situation as I saw it. It is simply meant to mean a person believes or perceives their response to a given situation is inappropriate when it is not. Kind of like being aroused by a rape scene in a movie, because there is a sexual theme and perhaps nudity. We may respond to the sexual theme and nudity rather than to the rape. We are appalled by the context as a whole, and as a result our response to it. I simply turned the tables by pointing out a therapist could be sexually aroused by the telling of your experiences, and be equally concerned about it as you are.
I am not a psychologist or the like but here are my thoughts as what you have said.
Perhaps the stresses associated with needing the surgery, the medical symptoms and/or your anxiety over the outcome, and the disruption in your daily routine after the surgery are the causes for the psychological symptoms you have been experiencing. Returning to your normal routine may then help, if it reduced the stresses you are being exposed to.
Loss of control over your body and your inability to control it could resonate with your prior experiences that resulted in your initial psychological symptoms twenty years ago. There is perhaps a parallel theme between your experiences of sexual abuse and rape and this medical situation, as in all these situations your body was out of your control, specifically the parts of your anatomy that make you a woman and female. The sooner you feel you have gained control over your body perhaps the sooner the psychological episodes with be resolved. The solution in the past could then be the solution today, especially since you have the same therapist.Her Follow-up: Thanks. All of your information has been very helpful. It has only been six weeks since my surgery so I am hopeful that things will return to normal soon physically and psychologically. Thanks for your help.
Answer Part 3: On reviewing our prior communications in preparation for adding them to the website I noted one important aspect of your life that could contribute to the stress you are or were experiencing, which may trigger the dissociation experiences your were/are having. That significant factor would be your oldest child going off to college this year. I believe this would compound the stresses associated with the surgery. Perhaps something else for you to discuss with your therapist. Namely, how their going off to college may bring about memories concerning your own college experiences.
Her Follow-up: Yeah we have spent much time on that in therapy as well as the recent surgery. I did discuss with her the items you suggested discussing with her. I also went to a psychiatrist who has prescribed medications that I believe have greatly helped the symptoms. I should not have been so stubborn about seeing a psychiatrist.
Question: My boyfriend and I both had sex for the first time yesterday [we're both 16]. Firstly, he had trouble entering me, and then further trouble keeping his penis inside of me, it always kept falling out, even mid thrust.
Also, I didn't orgasm. I have noticed that recently I have found it harder and harder to orgasm, and I think, though I cannot be absolutely certain, that either my clitoris has shrunk or else the hood has maybe enlarged, either way my clitoris is not exposed during sex. I am also on the contraceptive pill 'Dianette', although I have only been on it for less than a week. Finally, I am nervous about seeing my doctor, because he happens to be my dad, so I only want to see him if I really must. Please help. Thanks.
Answer: You bring up several subject that are addressed on the website, as they are common experiences. Please see the information linked to below and write back if you still have questions.
virgin1.htm
interco.htm
vag_org.htm
c_size.htm
qa_index_puberty.htm
Question: I love your website. I am a 39 year-old married man. I feel I have learned more from your website than I have ever learned in my real sex life experiences.
I have been with my wife for 18 years. I have always loved cunnilingus, my wife has never enjoyed it and seldom let's me do it. When she does, it is only for a second or two, then she pulls me away. The rest of our sex life is okay.
The other night I tried it and she stopped me again. I told her that maybe I was doing it wrong, that maybe she should point to where she liked me to touch. It was at this point that she told me it had nothing to do with me. When she was young, a man who lived across the street used to do it to her against her will. She told me when I would try and do it to her, she would try and block it all out.
I was shocked. I actually started to cry, thinking about some bastard who had hurt someone I care for so much. I also felt terrible remembering every time I had tried and do it to her. She told me she wished she had not told me.
What do I do now? Do I ever bring it up again? How can I help her? This revelation actually explains a lot She has always had trouble expressing her emotions and allowing me to get to close.
I can live without the oral sex, but I want to have the best marriage possible.Thank you.
Answer: I am happy to hear that you enjoy and benefit from the website.
You are certainly in a challenging situation.
Unfortunately, you cannot undo the past or fix your wife. You can only accept the past, as difficult as that may be, and be supportive of your wife. The only person who can fix your wife is your wife. She needs to seek out help, and be willing to accept it.
Don't be angry with yourself, as you are just as much a victim of the abuser as is your wife. Direct your anger at them, not at yourself or your wife. Your wife needs to know your emotions are directed at the abuser and not her, that she isn't the cause for your anger and other emotions. She needs to know you aren't angry at her for telling you about the prior abuse.
You can ask your wife if she would like for you both to attend counseling. If she does, then you need to be supportive of her. Even if she doesn't want to attending counseling, there are support groups for partners of victims of sexual abuse that you can join for support and guidance, and books you can read to gain the same. If the relationship as a whole is being adversely affected and may end as a result, you may need to require that you both attend counseling, as part of your staying together.
You just found out about the abuse, so for now you both need time to sort your feelings out, and to come to grips with the consequences of having or sharing that knowledge. She needs to know you don't blame or reject her for what happened in the past. The worst thing that could happen now would be for a wall to develop between you, as she needs your support more than ever.
She needs to be given control over her body and sexuality, something the abuser took away from her as a girl. You need to give her permission to say no to sex, and you must ask before engaging in all sexual activities with her, at least in the short term. Preface all your sexual activities with "Would you like me to..." This applies to all sexual activities, from kissing, nipple play, to vaginal intercourse. She needs to feel as though she is in control of her body. In a discussion outside the bedroom, find out what sexual activities she likes and enjoys. Find out if some activities don't require her permission each time, and if others do.
You can ask her if she wants to talk about what happened in the past, but you cannot ask her about those events, or pressure her to. You can only let her know you will listen, and that is all you can do, that and be supportive and accepting. If she isn't ready to talk about it then you shouldn't try to force her, as that is as bad as doing things to her physically that she doesn't consent to.
You need to find out what sexual activities she does desire and enjoy, if she does. Don't assume she doesn't want to engage in sex at all, as she may interpret this to mean you are rejecting her, as if she did something wrong as a child. She may still desire intimacy and affection even if oral sex and other activities are not possible.
Right now, the most important thing in your relationship is communication, with you being a supportive listener. If you cannot discuss these things face to face them start an email discussion with her, assuming you both have your own email accounts, if not, then create them.
Question: I have really sensitive skin, and I want to shave my pubic hair, but I don't know how to without it hurting. What should I do?
Answer: I am happy to hear that you enjoy and benefit from the material presented.
Initially you might simply trim the hair short rather than remove it altogether. Then shave one very small area and allow it to become accustomed to the process of repeated shavings before moving onto a larger area. It appears as though the skin slowly adapts to the irritations caused by shaving, if given a chance. (You may have experienced this when you started shaving your legs or underarms.) If you shave everything all at once the resulting irritation could be more than you can tolerate. As I mention on the page about Pubic Shaving, the outer labia appear to tolerate shaving better than does the pubic mound, so you might begin shaving there and simply trim the hair on your pubic mound and bikini line. There is a lot of advise on shaving presented on the website, and is linked to below.
shave_indx.htm
Only use lotions and shaving lubricants that you know don't irritate your skin. You might have to experiment by applying a small amount of hair conditioner, or another recommend product, to a very small section of your vulva and then wait 24 hours to see what happens, to find out if it is a suitable product for you to use. Do this prior to actually shaving. Avoid using products with artificial colors, scents, and the like.Shaving isn't for everyone. You might have to try waxing or laser hair removal if you are highly motivated to remove all or some of your pubic hair.
Question: I'm female, and relatively new to sexual experimentation. I have a number of questions. Firstly, after say 20 minutes of my partner and I engaging in foreplay, I find it boring and repetitive. I feel as though we are simply just going though motions, and therefore lose that pervious passionate desire for him. How can I regain that desire? We have tried varying techniques. I fear that its perhaps that crazy mind cycle, that once I begin to lose confidence, I think/worry too much, and thus lose more confidence and desire. How can I best relax?
Another question is, when I'm on top and engaging in intercourse how can I keep a good rhythm? I often find we both work together well for the first part, then slowly begin to work out of sync, and lose the friction and enjoyment. How do I stay in tune to his bodily desires to speed up or slow down?
Thank you kindly. Your site has been of great help to me.Answer: While the idea of sex may be arousing initially, the physical and mental stimulation provided after that point must build on that desire. You don't say if you are enjoying what you are doing and if it increases your level of sexual arousal. It almost always takes longer for women to experience orgasm during partnered sex than it does during masturbation. If many or most women are to experience orgasm during partnered sex their clitoris must be directly stimulated.
You may not be communicating your needs to your partner. You might be doing the wrong things together rather than becoming bored with doing the same thing over and over again. What forms of stimulation increase your level of arousal? Perhaps you need to show him what works best for you. If nothing else, show him what works for you, by stimulating yourself with him present.
Many women cannot experience orgasm quickly during partnered sex, so you simply could be expecting too much of yourself and partnered sex. You need to explore physical pleasure rather than focusing on sexual pleasure and orgasm.
You might consider using a muscle massager or vibrator if there is a physical need for you to experience orgasm together in a more timely manner. They provide potentially strong and consistent stimulation that many women require if they are to experience orgasm.
During intercourse, practice makes perfect. I have experienced the same with new partners. You may simply need more practice. Perhaps you can try setting the pace by calling out a cadence, by saying something out loud, like "Yes" or "F**k me," over and over again, to help guide him. Don't be afraid to control the situation. You can tease him by stopping your motions if he doesn't following your lead. You might be able to control him by grasping his nipples and applying more pressure if he doesn't follow your lead, to gain his attention; be firm but not mean. You should probably explain this to him once you are on top, but before you begin your movements or grasp his nipples.
Even so, your mutual needs may dictate that you each need a different rhythm during intercourse, if you are to experience orgasm. Instead of trying to increase the pace of your motions you might slow down and stimulate your clitoris with your fingers, while having him remain still and enjoying the show. Bring yourself to orgasm, if desired, and then roll over so he is on top, and then allow him to have his pleasure, while you remain still. Try to take care of your individual needs separately rather than at the same time.If you are having trouble focusing on the sexual experience then silently or verbally explore an erotic fantasy, read an erotic story that arouses you, or watch an erotic DVD together. If you stay in the physical experience it may not be sufficiently arousing to increase your level of arousal to the point of orgasm. When women masturbate they generally explore an erotic fantasy or prior sexual experience, and many if not most have to do the same during partnered sex. If your daily life is stressful and distracting you may have to simplify it so it is less so, which isn't necessarily an easy task.
Question: I recently heard that there is a new anti-conceptual pill that can be taken continuously by young women that stops menstruation permanently without having any negative side effect.
Do you have the reference please?
Thank you.
Answer: Please see the results of the following Google search:
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=contraceptive+no+periods+menstruation
All contraceptive medications have potentially adverse side affects. I believe there is still debate over whether not menstruating is harmful. The pharmaceutical companies are simply trying to sell their product, so you can't go by only what they say. The original birth control pills did suppress menstruation, but women at the time preferred to menstruate, so placebos were added. Many women like knowing they aren't pregnant, as indicated by their menstrual period. While menstruation can certainly be an inconvenience, some women see it as a symbol of their femininity and/or womanhood. Some women have been skipping the placebos and their periods for years, just without the FDA's formal approval.
Question: I'm extremely self-concious because I have an overgrown clitoris. I find it extremely embarrassing and refuse to let my boyfriend of three years see me naked or touch me in that area. This may be a dumb question but is there any possible way to get rid of an overgrown clitoris or make it smaller without surgery? I really need help with this. I don't know what to do.
Answer: There is no way that I know of to reduce the size of the clitoris short of surgery, which I would highly advise against. Decreased sensitivity is a probable end result, according to some research I have seen. This would adversely affect your sexual enjoyment.
I recently answered a question from someone who was trying to help a family member who had undergone this surgery with devastating results, physically and mentally. Once it is done, you can't undo it.
qa_25.htm#4
If he loves and cares for you then if you address the subject appropriately, telling him will likely be an insignificant event. You want him to know about it before he sees or touches it, so there isn't the surprise factor to deal with, as he may be surprised even if it is something he doesn't have a problem with. He may need time to digest the idea, simply because it is totally new to him. Many people don't know clitorises come in a size larger than a pea, and that doesn't make you abnormal, only them uneducated. You may need to do some educating.
You might send him an email with a link to my article about clitoral and labia size, and off handedly ask, "Did you know clits were sometimes so big," and see how he reacts. If he responds favorably then you might take a digital picture of your clitoris and ask him what he thinks of it, without necessarily letting him know it is yours. If he responds negatively, then find out his reasons and try to understand them, and consider ways of educating him so his believes change, rather than changing your body. Try not to overreact if he doesn't initially respond the way that you hope he would, as two wrongs don't make a right, or help matters.c_size.htm
While I understand your concern, and know some of your peers have reduction surgery as a result of the same feelings and fears, your are perfectly normal. Your clitoris isn't overgrown, just larger than others, just as many women have breasts that are larger than average. There are men who are obsessed with large clitorises, and they would love to be able to make love to a woman such as yourself.
If you boyfriend ultimately doesn't accept you as you are, then the problem is with him and not you. If this is true, then this means he isn't the right person for you. There are 3 billion guys to choose from, so don't fool yourself into believing he is the only or best one, if he isn't truly the right one. I am sure many guys would be more than willing to take his place.References:
http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/Gender/intersexuals/article_letter_children_5.htm
http://www.fathermag.com/206/intersex/