Questions and Answers About Female Sexuality Volume 22: Questions 221-230

Question: I'm 45. I have five children and have been married for 23 years. I was a virgin when I got married. My husband was my only serious boyfriend, though I did have some short term dating relationships which included necking etc.

My problem is that I have never had an orgasm. I might have had one when my husband and I were dating (I didn't know it at the time but surmised it after reading a book's description). I'm not sure. It's too long ago now to really know.

During our early years of marriage, we read all the books we could about sex. I have a very verbal husband who is more than willing to try anything and we tried everything. I am not shy, not am I prudish in the bedroom. When I didn't achieve orgasm after arousal on our honeymoon, I sought medical help. The doctors confirmed that there was nothing physically wrong with me. When I still hadn't achieved orgasm eight months later, I went to a sex therapist. It didn't help.

So we went back to working on things on our own. I have read everything I can possibly think of and we've tried most of it.

In our ealy marriage, I feel like I went to what I call "the edge" many many times where I was totally aroused, uninhibited and ready for whatever ought to come next and then, nothing. No orgasm. Just utter frustration and eventually tears. I would lie awake in bed for hours afterwards, shaking, crying and irritible. No happy relief or release.

Then I read books that would say "don't try to have an orgasm" and then the others that would say "you have to be conscious of what you're feeling to have an orgasm." This conflicting message drove me crazy. I don't know how not to think of it at the moment of arousal. I don't know how to let go when I feel like I'm letting go and nothing is happening but the shakes.

This whole experience became demoralizing and emotionally exhausting. It felt like failure after failure, and there was little pleasant about it.

I haven't experienced the "going to the edge" feeling now for about fifteen years. I will occasionally go through cycles of interest in sex (that are usually catalyzed by a romantic movie or some sentimental experience with my husband). But interest only rarely gets to significant arousal, and I never get to that "edge" that I used to experience. If I go through a week of arousal, I find that my interest wanes as it becomes repetitive and doesn't go anywhere, so then interest wanes. Sometimes I feel so depressed about having never experienced what everyone seems to believe is natural and a woman's birthright that I give up on sex all together (and that hurts our marriage when I get that depressed about it).

I've tried the Pocket Rocket, but it just hurts and annoys me. Direct clitoral stimulation has never felt good.

I don't masturbate (though part of my therapy was to learn how). When I tried to masturbate, I would get totally bored. I couldn't imagine how anyone could do it or for what purpose. Then I was told I needed to cultivate a fantasy life and that went nowhere. I feel sensual at times (I have a nice figure and am in no way overweight or unattractive). I wear clothes that show my figure, etc. But I find erotica, porn and sexual toys total turn-offs. They send me in the exact opposite direction of arousal. My fantasy life has more to do with romance than sex.

So I'm healthy. I have gotten myself and my husband educated about what should happen and how to support the process. But 23 years of failure has worn me out and I feel like I've missed the window for when I could have learned how to have an orgasm. Your website is the first I've come across that seems to go beyond standard advice. Is it too late for me?

I'm hoping you can help me.

Answer: The most significant obstacle you now experience is the experience of not experiencing orgasm during the past 23 years, and the knowledge that comes with it. While the primary cause still exists, other causes may now exist as well. There is a primary cause, and probably one or more secondary causes.

The statement, "you have to be conscious of what you're feeling to have an orgasm," might have been meant to mean you have to know that you are sexually aroused when you are sexually aroused. Not that you have to be conscious of your arousal at every moment in time when you are. You need to be aware of pleasure, not necessarily arousal. Desire should build though, and you should feel motivated to continue, continuing towards what should be an unknown, or more or greater pleasure. That is, you shouldn't be thinking about an orgasm. Pleasure or sexual desire should motivate you to continue with the sexual activity, not a goal.

We don't know if "all" women have the capacity for orgasm. 10% of women have never experienced orgasm. We don't know if the cause is biological, psychological, or environmental, i.e. caused by upbringing and social morality. Only 2% of men have never experienced ejaculation, so it seems likely that environmental factors frequently prevent the experience of female orgasm, and then increasing psychological factors, like performance anxiety, add to this.

They have found that stimulating the spinal cord with electrical signals resulted in the perception of sexual pleasure in some women. The brain can be fooled by electrical stimulation of the spinal cord into believing the genitals are being stimulated when they aren't. This electrical stimulation can result in sexual arousal and orgasm, or help facilitate orgasm. A preliminary study involving women who could not experience orgasm, at the present time, had some interesting results. The women who had been able to experience orgasm in the past found they could experience orgasm again, but those who had never experienced orgasm were still unable to experience orgasm. The size and duration of this study doesn't allow us to make any concrete conclusions, but it does indicate the possibility that the brain needs to learn how to experience orgasm, or be mapped in such a way that orgasm is possible. It is also possible that there is a physical problem that prevents orgasm from occurring, that the necessary pathways don't exist and cannot be developed. We simply don't know the answer to these questions at present, so don't assume anything from this information. We only know that pre-orgasmic women are potentially different from woman who have experienced orgasm in some way that affects their processing of nervous stimulation.

Young girls masturbate simply because it feels good and have no concept of orgasm. Their sole motivation to engage in this sexual activity is the physical pleasure they experience. You may be impaired by the fact that you expect more than they do. The psychological frustration you experience, as a result of not experiencing orgasm, could be the reason why you don't experience orgasm. You may need to learn how to have enjoyable sex, not sex for the purpose of orgasm. Perhaps you should explore Tantric sex, where they learn ways of experiencing extended pleasure, by delaying orgasm. This is important, because pleasure must come before orgasm.

Since you are still trying so hard to have an orgasm, this could indicate you really haven't accepted the concept of "not trying." There is a delicate balance between educating yourself and trying too hard to achieve something. You need to focus on sexual pleasure, ways of experiencing it, new ways, not the old ways. Time to think outside the box. If it does feel good, is it the desired and necessary form of pleasure required of orgasm?

Pregnancy, prescription birth control pills, and other medications can and frequently do decrease sexual desire in women. A secondary cause of your inability to experience orgasm could be a change in the hormones in your body over time. This may explain why you don't experience the same level of arousal and desire you did fifteen years ago.

The fluctuations in your sexual desire could be the result of changes in your hormone levels during your menstrual cycle, and not the inability to experience orgasm. You may be assuming the wrong cause, as why after a week your desire goes away.

If the Pocket Rocket caused pain then your probably weren't using it correctly, or weren't sufficiently aroused before using it. Try using a vibrator when you are already aroused, as being sexually aroused increases your pain threshold. Wear underwear and a pair of jeans, don't get naked. Now apply a vibrator to your thigh and concentrate on the stimulation you experience. Work on your breathing and relaxation. Slowly move the vibrator closer to your vulva, little by little. Now move the vibrator towards your pubic mound, above your vulva. How does this feel? Don't press or apply pressure. Do this for several minutes. Don't feel it necessary to go further. With time work on moving the vibrator closer to your vulva and clitoris. Concentrate on the stimulation and how it feels. If it feels good, continue, if not, try something different. A strong vibrator like the Hitachi Magic Wand and Pocket Rocket will stimulate your vulva even when they are a couple inches away from them. If it feels good with your cloths on, but isn't strong enough to result in orgasm, then undress and cover your vulva with a folded towel, and repeat the exercise. If it causes discomfort then move the vibrator father away from your vulva and clitoris, or use more padding. Don't rush through these exercises. Set aside an hour once a week to try one step, and nothing more. Don't set a goal, simply experience whatever it is that you experience, and learn from it, but don't judge it.

If you find that erotica or porn doesn't sexually arouse you then you are perhaps exploring the wrong subject matter. Soft core erotica occasionally arouses you, so I wonder if you consciously or subconsciously prevent hard core porn from arousing you. You don't believe you should be aroused by it so you aren't. You might acquire erotica that addresses subjects you don't believe would arouse you, like lesbian or gay porn. Explore erotica involving S&M, B&D, or rape themes, not socially acceptable ones. Don't try to be a good or politically correct women, be truly naughty and perverse. You may want to read up on perception of desire if you find erotica isn't sexually arousing.

You mention not being overweight but not whether you could be underweight. Do you weigh an appropriate weight for your height and frame size? Your desired weight may not be healthy. Research has found that being under and over weight can adversely affect female sexuality.

Have you tried G-Spot or anal stimulation? Have you tried clitoral, vaginal, anal, and nipple stimulation at the same time? Some women don't have a clitoris yet they still experience orgasm. Perhaps you need to pretend you don't have one and explore other erogenous zones.

Have you tried different types of lubrication on your clitoris? Thick Vaseline or thin baby oil? Have you checked yourself for clitoral adhesions or a hidden clitoris? These subjects are addressed on the website, see links provided below.

The biggest problem you face is that since your honeymoon you have been trying to be like everyone else, or your perception of them, rather than yourself. You assumed you were broken when you didn't experience orgasm during your honeymoon, so went to a doctor to get your body checked out. When they didn't find anything wrong you got your mind checked out by a psychologist. All this time you have been assuming there is something wrong with you, and that is what you continue to believe 23 years later. Stop assuming you are broken simply because you are different from others. You are your own unique individual. Look to yourself for answers. Stop focusing on what doesn't work, because it doesn't.

Things to consider are why you didn't learn to masturbate during childhood and did not engage in partnered sex until marriage. Why didn't you discover your clitoris or other erogenous zones as a child and teen? What physical activities caused physical pleasure as a child and teen? What messages did you receive as a child and teen that resulted in your delayed sexual experiences and development? There is nothing wrong with waiting until marriage to explore partnered sex, but some believes do more than delay sexual activity, they prevent sexual pleasure and enjoyment as well. Did you experience sexual arousal and desire as a teen, and if so why didn't you act on it, alone or with a partner? If you have never experienced sexual desire and lack the necessary erogenous zones that must be addressed prior to the subject of orgasm.

You likely did not experience orgasm on your honeymoon because the necessary sexual development and learning had not occurred prior, not because you were or are physically or mentally broken. This subject is addressed in the articles linked to below.

Please read the information linked to below if you haven't already done so. Read it even if you assume it shouldn't doesn't apply.

Female Sexual Desire - Subject Index

How to Have Female Orgasms

The Female Sexual Nervous System

Clitoral Adhesions

Androgens & Androgen Deficiency: The Hormones of Sexual Desire

A Guide to Losing Your Virginity or Deciding if You Should Keep it Safe

Female Ejaculation, the G-Spot, and Female Prostate Glands

Anal Sex and Intercourse: Exploring the Pleasures of Anal Sex

Question Part 1: I don't know why I am having a hard time orgasming when I am with my boyfriend. I can easily orgasm when I masturbate by myself when he is not around by rubbing my clit. I have never had a vaginal orgasm before and I'm not sure how to have one because when I masturbate all I do is rub my clit. I get very aroused with him when he fingers me, gives me oral, and when we have sex. I feel like I'm always am on the "verge" of cumming when we do these things but I never do. I think it might be because I am nervous to be naked around him and I'm too nervous to just let loose when we are intimate with each other. This is making me upset because he feels like he can't please me, even though I tell him that everything he does feels really good. He knows it makes me feel good when he touches me etc... but what do you think I can do to try and relax around him more when we are intimate? I want to be able to cum with him but I havent been able to. It still confuses me how I can orgasm when im alone and masturbating but I can't when he does anything to me even though it always feels like im almost going to. Thanks.

Answer Part 1: Many women experience the same.

The short answer is for you to masturbate to orgasm with your boyfriend present. Show him what works. If you can masturbate to orgasm with him present then it takes some of the pressure off of both of you, when he can't stimulate you to orgasm. You can watch each other masturbate.

During partnered sex it is more important for you to enjoy yourself than to experience orgasm. Don't have partnered sex to have an orgasm, as you can simply masturbate to experience them, but rather to experience pleasure. If you are enjoying yourself and relaxed then an orgasm is more likely to occur. In an article linked to below, I explain how women don't need to experience orgasm to enjoy partnered sex, and how orgasm can be a barrier to orgasm.

If you get on top during vaginal intercourse you can reach down and stimulate your clitoris. You don't need to thrust, just hold him inside while you caress your clitoris. Once you can experience orgasm this way then start rocking slowly, then with time try gentle thrusting. If you are enjoying yourself then he will enjoy watching you.

Please see the information linked to below. You may want to share this information with your boyfriend.

The Truth About Vaginal Orgasms

Did She Experience Orgasm?

If you aren't comfortable being nude with him then spend time with him when you are both nude but not having sex. Undress and show him your body. Hang out while naked or wearing a robe or t-shirt. Show him your vulva and tell him how pretty it is. Eat dinner and watch TV in the nude, etc. Also explain to him that you are nervous when naked, and why. He probably loves your body, even if you feel it is imperfect, just as every woman's is.

Question Part 2: How come I can't orgasm through vaginal sex? What are easy ways/positions to do this? Would it be easier for me to orgasm if I was fully aroused? Because when we have sex, my clitoris isnt fully erect like it is when I'm completely turned on. I think its because we race through foreplay? Thanks!

Answer Part 2: This subject is already addressed quite extensively on the website: Please see the information linked to below:

Vaginal Intercourse

The Truth About Vaginal Orgasms

Questions & Answers: Female Sexual Arousal

Question: Do all women ejaculate when they have a G-Spot orgasm? Is it mandatory to ejaculate during one, or is it just an added bonus?

Answer: There isn't a scientific answer to your question. We don't know a lot about female ejaculation, the female prostate gland, or the G-Spot.

I would say that a G-Spot orgasm includes the experience of female ejaculation, which is to say, a vaginal orgasm that includes female ejaculation. If there is no ejaculation then it is simply a vaginal orgasm. This is presuming it is a vaginal orgasm, i.e. contractions of her vaginal and pelvic muscles that expel the ejaculate during the orgasm.

Women experience many different types of orgasm, as indicated in one of the surveys about female masturbation on the website.

If you experience an orgasm while stimulating the G-Spot that feels different than one produced by clitoral stimulation then it may be a G-Spot orgasm, but perhaps this is the same type of orgasm experienced when only the vagina is stimulated by fingers, penis, or a dildo. Since the G-Spot is stimulated when the vagina is stimulated it is had to know what actually caused the orgasm. How the vagina/G-Spot is stimulated may result in the experience of different types of vaginal orgasms.

Some women ejaculate without experiencing orgasm, which confuses things even more.

Question: This is something that has been puzzling me for a long time now ever since I started masturbating at age 19 (I'm in my late twenties now). I would like for you to confirm my suspicion: on various occasions, after I orgasm with my fingers inside my vagina, I would pull my fingers out and see a film of blood. 2 to 5 days later, my period starts even though I know I'm not due for a least another week! Can an orgasm that powerful trigger the menstrual cycle earlier than usual?

Answer: I wasn't able to find an answer to your question on the web, but I believe so. I believe I recall someone else mentioning they experience this. I know orgasms can bring about delivery when a woman is full term, so it seems possible orgasms could trigger the onset of menstruation, as a result of uterine contractions.

I have posted your question on our discussion forum so other women can tell us if they experience the same.

Does Orgasm Causes Periods to Occur Early?

Question: I have a girlfriend. She never moves her legs or her hips during sexual intercourse, rather she lies on the bed and she listens to my motion, and she spreads her legs as much as possible. This makes me crazy and I asked her, "You never get satisfaction," she said, "No, it gives you pleasure." Is this normal for women, they don't move their bodies during sex. Please tell me anything soon. Thank you.

Answer: Perhaps you should have her get on top. She is then able to control things and is more likely to enjoy it.

You may want to read the information linked to below:

The Truth About Vaginal Orgasms

Did She Experience Orgasm?

Question: My clitoris doesn't seem to have as much feeling as it once did. It seems to have shrunk and a little covered by skin. It takes a longer period of time to reach a climax. Does that come with age. I am 60. It seems like it happened kind of fast. I have always had a good sex life. I am not ready for it to end. Is there anything that I can take. Can women take Viagra, Cialis, or Levetra. I would appreciate any help you can offer.

Answer: Please see the information linked to below:

Androgens & Androgen Deficiency: The Hormones of Sexual Desire

Medical Article Abstracts: Androgens

Female Sexual Satisfaction - Subject Index

If you should still have questions please feel free to write back.

Question: I want to buy a vibrator, but I still live at home with my parents and younger siblings and I don't want to just leave it lying in a drawer somewhere that it could be easily found. Is there any special box or place that is a private place to put things like that, perhaps locked to ensure complete privacy? I definitely don't want to have to explain these things to my younger siblings at this point.

Answer: We, and other companies, sell locking boxes for storing adult toys, but if privacy is a concern then you might simply buy an electric tooth brush, which you wont need to hide. They appear to work very well.

They also sell pillows with hidden compartments, and discrete looking Rubber Duckie vibes.

Another option is to put in a Waterpik Shower Massager or a similar type of item in your shower, or simply scoot your bottom under the tub faucet.

I hope these ideas are of help.

Question: I have only just found my prostate gland and experienced its functions very recently - in fact, within the last few days. The first time it happened my partner couldn't see where it was coming from. The second time, however, my partner saw where the ejaculate was coming from and pointed it out. The thing is, it's not where the diagrams in you article say it is; it seems I have an extra orifice between the urethra and vagina. I studied biology at school until I was 18, so I'm aware of the differences and the systems and their individually functioning tissues etc etc, so what's going on?? I've seen my vagina and urethra before and where the ejaculate's coming from is somewhere entirely different. Is this normal?? Helen, 19

Answer: A couple other women have reported similar a experience, but I haven't seen anything official about it in any published reports. I asked the last women that contacted me to do a couple experiments to confirm where the fluid was coming from, but I didn't get a response after her initial offer to do them.

The anatomy in this area can be very confusing, as there can be lots of bumps and recesses. I would be sure that you have located your urethra by observing your vulva in a mirror while you urinate, while spreading your labia with your fingers. Many women have been fooled by their unique anatomy. You might ask your boyfriend to observe your vulva while you urinate so he too can be more familiar with how it looks and works.

Question: My wife a a rather large clitoris but it cant get hard and I spend at least one one hour stimulating her before she can come. Is there anything I can do to make her clitoris harder and more sensitive

Answer: I read on one discussion forum were a woman with a large clitoris said that women with a large clitoris don't usually experience a hard erection like men do, but some do. What your wife's experience may then be normal. Your wifes's clitoris should still become engorged with blood and feel firmer to the touch even if she doens't experience a hard erection. If not, she could be experiencing impaired sexual arousal.

To help her experience orgasm quicker you might have her masturbate while you watch so you can see which technique works best for her. During partnered sex she may need mental stimulation to help with the arousal process so you might exchange fantasies, look at or read erotica together, or watch erotic or sexual movies. You can also try using a vibrator, as they provide strong sustained stimulation. A Pocket Rocket is a battery powered vibrator that would be a good choice, or the electric Hitachi Magi Wand. Incorporating vaginal and/or anal stimulation with the clitoral stimulation may help too.

Clit pumping might increase blood flow to her clitoris and increase sensation.

Question: While reading through some of the questions and answers I (23 years old) have stumbled over the suggestion that partners may not be sexually compatible. I wonder what exactly this means. Does it mean you don't feel sexually attracted to your partner or you have different sexual interests and desires? Sometimes I wonder if the first case is valid for my situation and that really freaks me out. I love my boyfriend very much, he is a man I could imagine spending the rest of my life with, having a family with and so forth, but I do sometimes think that he just makes me feel so comfortable that the excitement that may be required for proper arousal on my part is missing. (I did not have a partner prior to this one, so I do not have any base for comparison) I do not want to accept that, though. If it were the case, is there really nothing that can be done about this?

I am also dissatisfied with my sexuality in general, with my sexual functioning. When I compare myself to my partner or the stories of other women I have read on your site, I realise that I am not able to experience as much pleasure during sexual activities as they do. Even when I reach orgasm, it is something that just feels good, but never "blows me away". And during the stimulation itself, I sometimes feel hardly anything pleasurable and do not seem to get aroused properly during encounters with my partner as well. I wonder if this could be a physical problem? It is hard for me to have sexual fantasies while doing something at the same time, usually if I fantasize I might get a little aroused, but then starting manual stimulation does not build up this arousal or maybe I just don't feel it.

Thanks for your answer and for all the work you put into this website!

Answer: You mention a couple different subjects that may or may not be related.

Lack of sexual compatibility can mean you aren't sexually attracted to one another, and never were, and/or you don't desire to engage in the same sexual activities; one desires vanilla sex and the other kinky sex.

While you mention you aren't sexually attracted to your partner you don't mention whether you find other men or women sexually attractive. Do any of the men or women you meet on a daily basis cause you to think about having sex with them or cause you to experience sexual arousal? If not, then you may not experience sexual desire. Low or absent sexual desire may also result in impaired sexual arousal. Some of your experiences may be similar to what a preadolescent girl may experience. She can love someone and even experience sexual pleasure, but she isn't driven to experience sex, and sexual hormones don't enhance her sexual experiences. This website presents a lot of information about sexual desire.

It is not a good idea to compare yourself to others, as pleasure is a subjective experience. You really don't know if others experience more pleasure than you, or if they simply describe it more colorfully, or are lying. I don't believe the average woman experiences mind blowing orgasms every time she experiences orgasm. I believe many experience the same level of pleasure as you. Women aren't all the same on the sexual playing field, which applies to all aspects of their life. Some are more intelligent or athletic than others, and the same applies to sexual ability. You may or may not have the same capacity for mind blowing sex as some women, for physical and/or psychological reasons.

Perhaps the subjects you fantasize about aren't all that sexually arousing for you. You may be fantasizing about subjects you believe you should find arousing, about vanilla sex, but not what gets your brain in a sexual mood. I suggest on the website that women read other women's sexual fantasies. Don't censor what you read, as the more forbidden, the more arousing the subject is likely to be. Find a subject that gets you highly aroused without any physical stimulation, as if you were in a movie theater and cannot touch yourself.

There are collections of erotic stories on the websites linked to below:

Wikipedia.org: Erotic Literature

Alt Sex Stories Text Repository

StoriesOnline

Nifty Erotic Stories Archive

The Erotic Mind-Control Story Archive

A friend in her twenties wasn't satisfied with the sexual aspect of her six year relationship, which had become more like father/daughter than husband/wife in the sex area; he was a lot older than her. For her, there was never any great sexual attraction, and he isn't a sexual person. She had settled for him, believing others would not find her attractive. She now dates others, and while she has experienced some sexual excitement, she finds the guys she is dating aren't as "perfect" as the guy she was dating, of course the guy she was dating isn't a perfect as she believes; just doesn't know any better. She is trying to have it all, but isn't having much luck. If you are happy with what you have, and aren't settling for less than you want, and aren't afraid to want and seek more than you have, then don't feel compelled to try out other partners. You probably wont find a perfect partner, but don't settle for a partner who doesn't fulfill most of your needs or a single need that is very important to you, and sex is very important to some women, or a person who is simply bad, as in abusive.