Questions and Answers About Female Sexuality Volume 21: Questions 211-220

Question: What is your opinion of the following method my wife & I have used on many occasions:- For non messy fun during her period we made love with a tampon in place. She achieved orgasm by rubbing my penis on her clit. I then enterd her using very shallow strokes & a great deal of care & control to reach my own climax. We find it a most pleasant method & would appreciate your opinion very much. Thanks for a great site

Answer: As long as the tampon or the removal string doesn't irritate either of you it sounds like a good technique. It is possible the tampon would absorb the normal vaginal lubrication in addition to the menses and make things less enjoyable for her and you.

If you prolong intercourse because of the shallow penetration then she may prefer this technique to standard intercourse. If she prefers deep penetration she may not.

You would have to experiment to see if there was an advantage to getting messy that would warrant getting messy. The blood would wash off after all. If either of you have an aversion to blood then stick to your current technique.

Question: Me and my boyfriend have agreed to have sex, but he says his penis is small and he is very worried that I won't experience pleasure during sex. Is it possible for me to not feel pleasure because he has a small penis?

Answer: Even if he had a large penis you may feel nothing. Whether you feel anything depends on your level of sexual arousal and if your vagina is sensitive to the type of stimulation being provided. See the information linked to below.

I feel nothing, what is wrong with me?

If you develop your pelvic muscles you will be able to grasp his penis with them when he is inside your vagina. See the information linked to below.

Kegel Exercises

If you are on top or he enters you from behind then his penis will be able to enter further into your body during intercourse.

Explain to him that if you are like the majority of women, his mouth and hands will give you more pleasure than his penis, even if he was larger rather than smaller than average. See the information linked to below.

The Truth About Size

If you should both decide you want to try things with a larger penis, this is why they make dildos, and harnesses for them, and sell so many of them.

Question: I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend and I decided that we don't want to risk pregnancy with penetration. So we have been experimenting with outercourse, him rubbing his penis on my vulva. I read the section on outercourse, and I'm worried about falling pregnant with our experiments...

Is it possible?

Answer: I don't know how likely it is to occur, but "virgin births" aren't all that uncommon according to some accounts; though still probably pretty rare all things considered. I read one article that mentioned how surprised a doctor was when he examined a pregnant teenage girl, whose baby he was about to delivery, only to discovered her hymen was still intact. No one believed her when she said she was a "virgin."

Reportedly, if a guy gets precum or ejaculates on your vulva or inner thigh conception is possible. Sperm are pretty determined little fellows, even though still very fragile. The risk isn't as great as if he ejaculated inside you, but it still exists. STI's can also be exchanged if body fluids are exchanged, without the need for penetration.

This is why I recommend couples use at least a condom if his penis is near your vulva.

You might find a different part of your body for him to rub against, and visa versa, as mentioned in the article about outercourse.

Question: I'm really scared because my mum is taking me to the gynecologist. What's he going to do? I'm really nervous. Thank you for giving the time to read this.

Answer: Please see the articles linked to below:

Your First Gynecological Exam

Your Daughter's First Gynecological Exam

Videos showing actual gynecological examination procedures are linked to in the discussion forum:

Gynecological & Breast Exam Videos

Note: Mothers may want to take their daughter to their own gynecological exams so the daughter can witness what takes place, so she isn't entering into a totally unknown experience when it comes time for her first exam, if the mother and daughter are open to the idea of doing so. The younger the daughter is when she starts accompanying her mother to these exams the better, so they are no big deal by the time of her first exam. Young girls may even want to mimic their mother and receive their own exam, which should involve the doctor examining only her vulva. This would reassure her that everything is okay "down there."

Question Part 1: After I have one orgasm, my clitoris doesn't get oversensitive (which is what I understand happens frequently) and I think I could have another orgasm if it wasn't for my mind. I stop being mentally aroused after that one orgasm and no amount of touching can get me to have another. Most of the advice I've seen has been about how to deal with an oversensitive clitoris. I'm pretty young and I've heard that a woman's orgasmic capacity increases with age; is this true?

Answer Part 1: Have you tried reading erotica? If your mind is high on sex your body may follow. Buy a book with a collection of erotic stories or print them off the internet. The shared sexual fantasies on this website may be of help too. If the erotica makes your clit throb without touching it then this is more likely to work.

I don't know if a woman's capacity for orgasm increases with age or if they and their partner simply have a better understanding of how to stimulate her to orgasm. Despite social expectation, young women have to overcome a lot of obstacles to be truly sexual. The average young couples likely knows more false information about female sexuality and correct information.

Question Part 2: Thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm really sorry but I tried doing what you suggested and it didn't work. It's like my arousal is all used up after one orgasm. I don't know what's wrong with me because everything I've read about female multiple orgasm says that every woman is capable of them and implies that if she's not having them there must be something wrong with her; she must be repressed. I'm not repressed; I have explored my sexuality and my partner is very kind and caring so I don't know what we're doing wrong. If you know of any books or websites that might be useful I would love to know about them. Thanks once again.

Answer Part 2: It is interesting that you felt it necessary to apologize to me when my advice didn't work for you. I'm not a psychologist, but it seems that whatever motivated you to do so could play a roll in your inability to maintain your arousal after one orgasm. What is it about your self esteem and believes that made you feel you had to apologize?

Your sexual pleasure is yours alone, and really shouldn't matter to anyone but you. Not me, your partner, your friends, family, etc. If you are trying to measure up to any of their expectations, real or perceived, you could be limiting your potential.

I don't really have any new advice, as we simply don't know if all women have the physical capacity for multiple orgasms. I know others share your experience, in that they too have only a limited capacity for orgasm during a set period of time, whether it be minutes, hours, or days. Nina Hartley, a popular adult film star, mentioned she only has the capacity for a couple orgasms per week, if I remember correctly, though she engages in sex and masturbation frequently. While watching TV she often fondles her vulva with her hand, simply because it feels good, not to experience orgasm. It may be a form of meditation for her.

I can only suggest that you explore experiencing sexual arousal without orgasm. This may be easier said than done. Masturbate and engage in partnered sex but intentionally don't have an orgasm. See how long you can maintain your arousal. Work on developing your desire by not having orgasms. See if not having orgasms helps you to feel sexual desire, and perhaps a "little" sexually frustrated. Work with your partner to learn ways of making you feel good during sex that don't result in orgasm. Limit your orgasms to say once a week. Don't torture yourself, if you really need to have an orgasm then have one. Teach your partner, and yourself, that you can enjoy sex without an orgasm. Teach your partner the same about himself, have him forgo ejaculation too. Perhaps by doing the above you can develop your capacity for sexual arousal, especially if it isn't prematurely shut down by the chemicals released during orgasm.

Perhaps start working out at a gym or go for walks to improve your overall health and physical stamina. You want to work on developing the areas of your body that are involved in the arousal process.

You should probably look into Tantric methods and believes to learn ways of exploring sexual pleasure without orgasm.

If all else fails, talk to your doctor about trying Viagra. Viagra makes it easier for men to achieve an erection, which may make it easier for you to get aroused a second time.

Question: Hello, I have read your Web site regularity and I have found it has a very useful information. But still I find that there is little about sex and disabilities. I really hope you can help me with my question which is also a continuous worry for me as I leave in a isolated society.

I am quadraplegic due to an accident seven years ago. Before my accident I had a boyfriend but we didn't have sex, as I was very young at that time. After we broke up because of the circumstances and we met again a few months ago and we are in a relationship. He was my first love and I the same for him. We love each other still and we see each other and feel great when we are together however until now we only have kissed and hugged. I have read that it is possible to have sex also in my situation (consider I have no feeling from the chest down). However I find it very difficult to educate him and talk about this as I don't have any experience and the general mentality here is that sex and disability is just the taboo or not possible. I'm very afraid whether my relationship with him with last if we have no sex. Please could you help me understand how we can explore sex together and how can I talk with him. I am in love with him a and don't want to lose him so please any help would be very much appreciated. I could provide more details if I knew that my question wasn't to be published on the Web site. Waiting for your answer.

Answer: I added the information linked to below to the website after a woman who is a paraplegic wrote with questions in December of 2006. It addresses information relevant to individuals with SCI. I am in the process of researching additional information, but it is a slow process. I am actually enrolled in college classes right now so I can better understand the medical articles on the subject. I need a better understanding of how the female body works before I can suggest ways for the disabled, and women with impaired sexual function, to overcome potential obstacles.

The Female Sexual Nervous System

Spinal Cord Injuries & Female Sexuality

Unfortunately, I am not aware of any manuals or guides for individuals with SCI to learn how to engage in partnered sex. It is most likely a matter of trial and error. I am aware of surveys asking about who has sex and orgasms, but no one to my knowledge has found out how they are sexual and have orgasms, at least the details of what they do.

Perhaps the easiest way to communicate your feelings and fears is to write him a letter explaining everything. He is probably having the same feelings and fears. He doesn't know what you may want and can do, as far as sex goes. He may assume you can't have sex, and needs to know what you can and cannot do. A letter at least will open the lines of communication. You may need to write back and forth several times to get the ball rolling.

As mentioned in the information linked to above, you probable can experience reflex sexual arousal if your vulva and clitoris are stimulated, even if your cannot feel it, as I am presuming the point of injury is above your lumbar and sacral spinal regions. For women with feeling limited to their chest and above they often find their neck and shoulders are erogenous zones, as is the case for many women who don't experience paralysis. Some women with high level SCI are able to experience orgasm if their cervix is stimulated, as the vagus nerve connects directly to the brain (CN X).

Believe it or not most of the information presented on my website applies equally to you, especially about learning how to be sexual. The methods and rules are the same. You both need to discuss whether you want to engage in penile/vaginal intercourse, or if you want to give him oral pleasure. You need to know if he will be comfortable doing things to you sexually that you cannot feel physically, but you may want to do things so you can feel more like your peers, or to give him pleasure. You can certainly ask him to masturbate while you watch so you can share in his pleasure.

You may need for him to take classes in massage so he can better stimulate your neck and shoulders. If you are short on funds, call around to massage therapists in your area, explain the situation, and see if any are willing to show him how to massage your neck and shoulders for free. I am sure someone would be willing to help out. You might even ask around at the hospital that treated you after your injury.

Here are links to websites that may be of help to you.

University of Alabama at Birmingham Spinal Cord Injury Model System (UAB-SCIMS)

Sexual arousal and orgasm in women: effects of spinal cord injury.

The PDF file linked to below of for individuals with MS, but much of it applies to SCI too, as MS affects the nervous system too.

Sexuality and Multiple Sclerosis: How Disability Affects Sexuality and What You Can Do About It

Feel free to write again if you need additional information.

Question: Hello, I am calling about a question from one of our listeners on Playboy Radio's Afternoon Advice.

"I need some help and answers. My current girlfriend was a gymnast and had an accident on the bars. She smashed her clit and now has no feeling down there and it is very flat. Can you help me understand this and where I might be able to find info on this." -JP

Answer: I have wondered how many female gymnasts have experienced this, as straddle injuries would probably be frequent given the nature of balance beam exercises. Given their lack of body fat (no protective padding in the area of the vulva), the hardness of the balance beam, and the routines they do, the clitoris would be exposed to considerable trauma when hitting the balance beam, and other gymnastic equipment.

In the medical article linked to below they state:

"Gray scale scanning revealed tunical thickening or plague in several patients who sustained blunt perineal trauma."

"All 7 patients with abnormal gray scale findings recalled a severe episode of blunt force trauma (such as a bicycle fall onto the cross bar) as a child."

Article Title: Genital duplex Doppler ultrasonography before and after sexual stimulation in women with sexual dysfunction: gray scale, volumetric, and hemodynamic findings. Fertil Steril. 2005 Apr;83(4):995-9.

Link to abstract.

Genital duplex Doppler ultrasonography before and after sexual stimulation in women with sexual dysfunction

The adult film star Chloe reports a similar experience and the clitoral numbness that resulted from it:

"According to press releases, a childhood accident rendered her numb from clitoral stimulation. In an audio commentary for The Pushover (1999), director Jayce Rocker elaborated that at an early age the actress lost her footing while walking on a set of monkey bars and the subsequent landing irreperably damaged the nerves in her clitoris, rendering the organ numb."

Wikipedia: Chloe (pornographic actress)

My article about the Female Sexual Nervous System addresses the subject of what to do when the clitoris isn't an erogenous zone, or a woman doesn't have a functional clitoris, as a result of Female Genital Mutilation or its surgical removal. I am researching additional information for the article, as it isn't as complete as I would like at this time.

The Female Sexual Nervous System

I hope this information is of help, as I am afraid this is an obscure subject.

Question: First off, I am a man. My fiancee is 23 and recently (about a month ago) started masturbating, even though she has known she has a high sexual drive for a long time. She used her fingers and tried nearly all the other popular methods (humping things, grinding things, all sorts of finger techniques, water stimulation, etc.) except for a vibrator or inserting anything. She got very close to orgasm, many times, but never had one. Yesterday, she felt desperate for release and started using a fairly intense external vibrator on her clit. It worked - she had a total of 12 orgasms, including one monster with female ejaculation and everything. The problem is this: after each one, she immediately or nearly immediately felt she needed more release. Each time, the tension builds further until she truly can't stand it, but clearly that much stimulation can be uncomfortable, after a point. While I know all this, we are firmly resolved to save sexual contact with each other for after the wedding (early Fall). What can my fiancee do on her own to bring herself to orgasm, but then let her body fully release and let go of all this tension? Thanks.

Answer: It is too soon to know if there is a problem. At this point she has several years worth orgasms to catch up on. A couple women have written to say that when they learned to masturbate to orgasm at this age they couldn't get enough. It is like a damn broke and they cannot stop the flow of sexual energy.

Now that she knows how to experience orgasm with a vibrator she may want to explore those other sexual actitvities again. She needs to explore pleasure, not just orgasm. I would recommend giving her time and privacy to explore her newfound ability.

A simple fact of life is that some women require a vibrator if they are to experience orgasm. Again, it is too soon to known if this is true for her.

Question: Most of the models are having firm breasts, not enlarged breasts, is there an exercise that may increase the firmness of breast??

Answer: The firmness of a woman's breasts is controlled by heredity, for the most part. Cooper's ligaments determine the shape of the breasts. The amount of glandular tissue, i.e. milk glands, compared to the amount of fat likely determines their firmness. Those with lesser amounts of fat are perhaps firmer.

Fashion models tend to have very little body fat and small breasts, meaning more glandular tissue than fat tissue, and less weight for the ligaments to support. A few have very small breast implants, which in my opinion look rather odd, because there is no body fat to round them out and soften their appearance; they look like they have small flesh colored plastic bowels attached to their chest.

Many models are chosen for a particular look and probably are not representative of the general population. They are 1 in 10,000,000, not the girl next door.

In some cases the way in which a woman is posed in photographs changes the appearance of her breasts. If they arch their back their breasts tend to look perkier and perhaps firmer.

To some degree, increasing the size of the pectoral muscles through exercise may provide for perkier looking breasts. You wont see much of an increase in size though, and perhaps none at all unless you have small breasts.

Question: I am an African living in the United States. I was circumcised when I was a small girl and I have difficulty in experiencing sexual arousal and reaching climax. Recently, I heard about reports where surgical restoration of clitoris is being done. Could you give me more information on this?

Answer: There are reconstructive procedures being done by a very small number of doctors. It appears these surgical procedures expose a portion of the remaining internal portion of the clitoris, i.e. the remaining part of the clitoral body. They may also reduce the amount of scar tissue present. The clitoral tissues removed during the initial excision cannot be replaced or reconstructed, and neither the human body nor current medical technology can regenerate or replace damaged or removed nerve fibers. We do not have the means of reconstructing the portion of your clitoris that was removed, only modify the portion of your clitoris that remains hidden within your vulva.

I haven't seen medical articles that address the results and benefits of this procedure. Are the benefits purely cosmetic, or is there improved sexual function? If sensation is increased, to what degree, and does this improve sexual sensation, arousal, orgasm, and/or sexual satisfaction and fulfillment? Purely cosmetic procedures can be beneficial if they allow you feel to better about your body. If you believe the surgery was beneficial then it was.

To better understand the anatomy of the clitoris please see my information linked to below, which features computer generated 3D images of the clitoris:

3DVulva.com

The Internal Clitoris in 3D

Here is a link to my article about the female sexual nervous system, which addresses the subject of damage to the nerves of the body utilized during sexual response:

The Female Sexual Nervous System

Here is an article about a doctor who does this procedure and the procedure he performs:

Doctor Foldes and the Women

In the medical article linked to below it states "However, a clitoris, with its multiple sensory nerves, cannot be reconstructed."

Female Genital Cutting: Epidemiology, Consequences, and Female Empowerment as a Means of Cultural Change

Here is a rough translation from an article written in French:

"Mainly for two reasons. Firstly, at the time of a humane mission of the World Health Organization in Burkina Faso, we were to look after the many complications of these excisions: problems of incontinence, complications obstétricales serious... At the time of the consultations, women asked me to intervene on the pains related to the scars. Lastly, as a surgery urologist, I had practised techniques of repair and lengthening of the rod, which seemed to me able to help these women after some adaptations. Of return in France, I adapted and put to the point this technique.

"At the time of the excision, the external part of the clitoris is removed, and not its totality which makes ten centimetres length. The operation consists in withdrawing the scar (often at the origin of the pains), with going to seek its internal part, to reposition it in an anatomically normal site by releasing the ligaments which retain it and with D-innerver. In all, the operation lasts between 45 minutes and an hour.

"Yes, all the forms of excision are operable and make it possible to obtain an aesthetic and sensory benefit. In all the cases, the repairing surgery makes it possible to repair the associated excision and lesions: female excision (ablation of the cap) with the infibulation (résection of the pole of the clitoris, small lips and joining of the large lips).

"I today operated about 600 to 700 women, including 500 in France with the last techniques. Each month, I receive tens of requests. Many women from 18 to 50 years acknowledge that they would have done it before if they had been earlier informed of this technique. It is thus necessary to improve information for all these women. It is estimated that in France at least 30,000 girls are threatened of excision. This technique is refunded since 2004 in France.

"The first operations were carried out, 25 years ago. For the last procedures carried out in France, the retreat is of more than 5 years. After the operation, the pains are removed in almost the totality of the cases. On the aesthetic level, the rebuilding of a solid mass clitoridien makes it possible to obtain a normal anatomical form in nearly 8 cases out of 10. In the remainder of the cases, the aspect is satisfactory but the skin can cover the rebuilt cap. In the field of the sensitivity, one can think that 60 à.70.% of the women test new feelings at the end of four to six months. But it is difficult to have precise data bus on the one hand, these women do not have a point of comparison and on the other hand, these genital mutilations are accompanied by other factors which can handicap the reconstitution of feelings clitoridiennes. All the operated women are directed towards a psychologist or a sexologist who will be able to accompany them at the time of this D-appropriation of their physical integrity. The publication of results on a great number of women is in the course of publication. These studies could resolve the situation and more generally popularize this technique near the medical profession. But this work is titanic and despite everything my will, the things do not go always as quickly as it would be wished.

"The hospitalization lasts only one day. There was no case of serious complications. The physical activities must be limited in the weeks following the operation. The post-operative pains can last one or two weeks but are easily controllable thanks to antalgic drugs. What thus makes it possible to operate these major women without their entourage being inevitably with the current of their step. And it is often the case.

"The least which one can say is that they are not hustled with the wicket. Currently, only two hospital complexes practise in France these operations but in a very limited number. This situation is explained mainly by two phenomena. On the one hand, I operate these women free and some of my fellow-members surgeons plastics technicians are little accustomed to working voluntarily and largely prefer to send their patients to me. In addition, I personally received threats which can kill my colleagues. Personally, I prefer to be unaware of them and devote me fully to look after these women who suffer in their flesh and their female identity. In addition, the combat could not be limited to our country, thus I trained four African fellow-members who exert in Senegal and in Egypt."

Here is the link to the original article:

On peut soigner les femmes victimes d’excision

Here is a link to a summary of a medical journal article:

Reconstructive plastic surgery of the clitoris after sexual mutilation

A PDF file with illustrations showing a reconstruction procedure can be accessed here.

A PDF file with illustrations showing a procedure for deinfibulation can be accessed here.

A PDF file of a medical journal article that looks at the affects of FGM on female sexual pleasure and the cultural factors that may apply to the perception of pleasure can be accessed here. Some of the data indicates women who have experienced FGM are more orgasmic during penile/vaginal intercourse than Western women who have not. This could indicate there was a misunderstanding between the researchers and the participants, because of communication barrier, or that cultural factors influence the frequency of orgasm in women. Given that American women did not experience orgasm more frequently during intercourse when society overlooked their clitoris, performed a mental clitoridectomy on them, I believe the results are in error, but do not dismiss the likelihood that cultural factors do play a part in women's sexual experiences and perceptions.