Question:
I've been reading your site for a while, I know this isn't the usual kind of
question you would receive, but from the depth of information on your site I'm
certain if there is anyone that can help me, its you.
I've written some background info here about me, at the bottom I have listed
what I'm worried about.
Background:
I was abused as a child, I'm not sure if it classifies as sexual abuse. My
sister tied me to a tree so I couldn't move and tickled me, then my mother came
out after a while to untie me and said that she would leave me there if I didn't
stop crying (she had a migraine). And that was my first memory of this world.
Later on in my life, I came across adult websites involving BDSM where males
were being humiliated by females, these were the only kind sites I had access to
at the age of 15/16 (because they show images freely) and so I started
fantasizing about hardcore submission, I also had other more normal fantasies.
Over time these fantasies grew, into horrific acts of my torture and mutilation
for female sexual pleasure. Alongside the other fantasies.
However when I met my first girlfriend, my feelings suddenly started to change,
if I even thought about it while we were having sex I would feel incredibly used
and bad, but still get physically aroused and sexual pleasure from it.
So I decided to quit it, and stop having sex if I think about it. However I keep
getting fantasies triggered by the clothing someone wears, or particular words.
What recently sent me off the deep end was when I was browsing the internet,
text of a submissive fantasy, which had a dominant woman with the same name of
my girlfriend and detailing the use of a specific medical condition I had to
enhance submissiveness, came up in a Google search when I was looking for
medical help. This physically aroused me of course, it made me feel frustrated
to be so unable to control my sexual response.
After that I've been becoming increasingly sensitive to anything remotely
related to submission, I'm finding it difficult to concentrate, with frequent
vivid images flashing in my mind at the slightest thing. They have woken me up
in the middle of the night and stopped me from getting back to sleep again, If
I've recently thought about it I find it difficult to eat much or feel love
toward my girlfriend.
I've only ever told one person about my abuse, it was my girlfriend via the
internet, and after I did, her mother read the chat history and decided to
prevent us from seeing each other, because I was going to abuse her or something
(despite evidence that most abused males do not go on to abuse). I fortunately
managed to save the relationship and we are still seeing each other.
But I'm beginning to question our relationship now, she says that she had
dominant fantasies but never submissive. She has later gone on to say that she
sees dominance as merely initiating sex when the other person isn't confident
enough to. Although I think she has thought of more, she has told me of a
fantasy where were rules that the other person had to obey, and one time, after
seeing American Pie she imitated it by straddling me and saying "say my
name bitch".
I wouldn't want to be having sex with a girl that is fantasizing about being
dominant.
What I'm worried about:
Is it likely that a girl of late 16 doesn't know what a dominant fantasy is,
even though she quite clearly knows the details involved in a submissive
fantasy? Or is it more likely to be an attempt to protect my feelings? Despite
the intense hurt she will cause if I find out after a long time she has been
tricking me about it so she can continue to have a sexual relationship.
A number of people have suggested I see a psychologist, do you think I should? I
am cautious of seeing one because I don't want mental health problems on my
record. I also can't afford a psychologist, so if I can't get one on the NHS,
I'll have to get some money whatever way I can...
If you have any suggestions about how I can help myself, I'd love to hear it. I
could easily flip the fantasy around, with me as the dominant one and feel okay
with it, but it seems like the wrong thing to do. I think sex should be the
expression of mutual love between two people and that's how I want to feel sex.
In your opinion what kind of abuse did I suffer? The use of restraint
constitutes violent physical abuse, or could being tie-up and tickled be
considered a sexual act? Or is it sexual abuse because of the damaging effect it
had on my sexuality?
Again thank you for your time, every time I try to talk to a friend about this
they make their excuses and leave, its been so hard to find someone to talk to.
Answer:
I am not a doctor or psychiatrist so the following is only my personal opinion.
I personally would not consider what you experienced sexual abuse, as you do not
indicate there was anything of an overt sexual nature about the event. This does
not mean you did not experience a sexual response or that it did not became an
element in your later sexual fantasies; I know for others similar experiences
have. There was definitely a dominate and submissive nature to the experience,
which was likely the result of sibling rivalry or your sister acting out
something she found of interest. The emotional pain may have imprinted it
vividly into your memory. Many children engage in these activities, and as
adults these experiences have an erotic connection that motivates them to engage
in sexual activities that incorporate dominance and submission. A psychologist
may be able to explain how and why this occurs but I cannot, I only know that it
does happen.
Young children have sexual
fantasies and they can be quite imaginative. They may
or may not have an overtly sexual theme even if they are sexual to the child.
Since children usually are not exposed to normal healthy sexual information they
may imagine sex to be anything but what it actually is. These early concepts of
sex will influence their adult sexuality and what is erotic and sexual for them,
they are the frequent cause of fetishes. Given the way sex is usually portrayed
in movies and on television we should not be surprised if children have
distorted concepts of sex. Children likely know more about abnormal sex, sexual
violence, than healthy sex.
The more you deny or resist your sexual fantasies the more intense and
distracting they may become. Fantasy is only fantasy. If you censor your
fantasies you are likely doing more harm than good. The more forbidden you make
it the more attractive it becomes.
The more socially taboo
things are the more erotic and arousing they tend to be. Fantasizing about
something that may be socially unacceptable does not mean you would actually do
them or that you no longer know right from wrong. I
recently attended a seminar where taboo sexual fantasies were discussed. The
female presenter mentioned how magazine articles that were meant to make people
aware of the great atrocities that were committed against women during a war
actually were extremely sexual arousing for her, rather than being offensive.
What was supposed to educate and offend her actually had the opposite affect on
her. Her experience is not unusual. A female rape counselor may have vivid rape
fantasies involving torture and mutilation, as a result of her mind taking the
shared experiences of her patients and eroticizing them. These fantasies may
result in lot of personal conflict, understandable, but they are normal and
common.
I don't believe there is anything unusual or wrong with your girlfriend. She is
simply acting out something she saw in a movie that influenced her in some way.
If you cannot accept who she is, rather than who you want her to be, then you
need to find a new girlfriend. I don't believe your attitude towards her
fantasies or actions are healthy. She is simply experimenting and discovering
her sexuality. If anything, her fantasies are a lot like yours, or she sees
herself as dominate and you see yourself as submissive, regardless of how you
see yourself in a non-sexual context. What you do during sex does not
necessarily indicate the type of person you are outside the bedroom.
Question:
Only very recently
have I been able to reach orgasm, and I am only able to do this through
masturbation with a vibrator against my clitoris. Unfortunately, the effects of
my orgasm are purely physical. That is, my PC muscles contract and the tension
and congestion in my pelvis lessen, but that is all. It doesn't feel euphoric,
like so many have described, or even good at all. Not bad, either, just neutral.
I know I am experiencing orgasm, and I've talked to my gynecologist and two sex
therapists, and we have all agreed that I am, but we don't know what's wrong
with me, and why I can't enjoy orgasm. I'm physically normal, and I've never
been abused or experienced any sexual trauma that might cause this.
Do you know how this could be remedied? Is there anyone else like me?
Answer: Please
keep in mind I don't have the professional credentials that the doctor and
therapists you have consulted do.
I have not had others mention sharing your experience but some have asked why
their orgasms are weak, this could be the same thing to a greater degree.
My concern would be whether you have adequate amounts of the hormone testosterone
in your body. This hormone is responsible for your sexual desire and sensitivity
to sexual stimulation. Without this hormone your body and sexuality are more
like that of a preadolescent girl than an adult woman.
You do not mention whether you experience sexual desire and to what degree. Desire
is the first aspect of the orgasmic cycle. Sexual
desire indicates your brain is in the mood for sex. Without desire the rests of
the orgasmic process is likely impaired to some degree. Many women are not aware
of their sexual desire, or it isn't what ultimately motivates them to engage in
sex, alone or with a partner.
If you are insensitive to sexual stimulation and require a vibrator to
experience orgasm this may indicate you don't have enough testosterone in your
body. The sensitivity of the vulva and clitoris require appropriate amounts of
the hormones testosterone and estrogen. Without them your sexual and
reproductive organs return to or are in their preadolescent state, to some
degree.
If using a vibrator allows you to experience orgasm quickly there may not be
sufficient time for sexual tension to develop in your body, or for full blood
engorgement to occur. You want a slow buildup to orgasm to allow these things to
occur. Make love to yourself for a couple hours rather than going for a quick
orgasm. Take a long hot bath, read some erotica, look at some sexy photos or
watch a sexually explicit video, explore you body in a mirror, etc. Do things
that get your brain involved in the arousal process.
I have found that women who are having trouble experiencing orgasm sometimes are
relying too much on physical stimulation and not enough on mental stimulation.
You want to use some form of erotica, writing, photos, video, and/or fantasy to
get your brain involved in the arousal process prior to physical stimulation.
You want to spend all day using your brain and then in the evening when you are
already sexually aroused and full of sexual tension use physical stimulation to
bring about orgasm. Use the physical stimulation to trigger your orgasms, not as
the cause of the sexual arousal and tension. If you cannot experience mental
arousal then again this may indicate you have low desire and levels of
testosterone.
Weak pelvic muscles may cause orgasms to be less intense than they could be.
These muscles can be strengthened using Kegel
exercises. You should be able to squeeze objects that are inserted into your
vagina, like your fingers. The book Female Ejaculation & The--Spot
states a woman should be able to insert a peeled ripe banana, placed inside a
small plastic bag, into her vagina and then by contracting her pelvic muscles
cut it into two pieces. If you have trouble inserting objects into your vagina
then your pelvic muscles could be tense or constricted, which would adversely
influence your orgasms too. Healthy pelvic muscles are strong and flexible, as
is the case with all muscles.
I hope this information helps. You don't provide a lot of the information
necessary to have a better idea of what the cause of your situation could be.
Things like your age, sexual and reproductive history, if you are on medication
or prescription birth control, and your overall health. Female sexuality is very
complex and finding answers is not always an easy process, as you have found
out.
Question:
Hi. I'm a sixteen and
have masturbated a few times, though never by vaginal stimulation. Your site is
wonderful and very informative, and I hope you'll be able to Answer: a few of my
questions.
First of all... sometimes when I'm playing tennis, my vagina begins to sting for
a few moments before feeling normal again. It's never a lasting pain, and
usually when it happens, it does it once or twice, and I feel fine the rest of
the time. Is this something I need to worry about?
Also, I've never been able to use tampons. I've tried a few times, but when I
try putting one in, it really hurts and feels like I'm trying to force it, even
when I do my best to relax myself.
At the end of my period, when the menstruation isn't as heavy, the menses tends
to be a very dark red, brown almost. Is there something wrong? My periods also
are usually only 24 days apart instead of a full month. Is that normal?
Answer: I am
happy to hear you enjoy the website.
I am not a doctor so I cannot provide a medical diagnosis only general
information.
I am presuming you mean to say your vulva stings rather than your vagina when
you play tennis, that the irritation is external rather than internal. While I
wouldn't be overly concerned you should look for a possible cause and solution.
It is not something you would want to be experiencing all the time, as this
would likely indicate a problem or what could become a problem later on. First,
examine your vulva closely with a mirror and look for signs of irritation, which
is usually indicated redness and/or swelling. Touch, press lightly on, and
gently pull on the tissues to see if you experience discomfort. Try spreading
your legs widely and in different directions to see if this causes discomfort,
as a result of the stretching of your vulvar tissues. Look for possible labial
or clitoral adhesions that may have formed when you
were younger, as they could be stressed during physical activity. Adhesions
normally disappear on their own during puberty, as a result of increased
estrogen levels. Have a look at the photos of the vulva in the Anatomy
section, on the page about Clitoral and Labial Size,
and in the Body Image section, to see what the vulva
of other women look like. This may help you to determine if anything is unusual
about yours. If you do locate irritation you will want to consult a doctor.
Please see the page about Hygiene in the Health
section to learn about how to care for your vulva. Keep in mind everything other
than air and water may and can irritated your vulvar tissues.
The underwear you wear at the time, if it is different from what you normally
wear, may have a seam that rubs against your vulvar tissues or otherwise
irritates the tissues, especially if the underwear fits tightly or incorrectly.
Instead of a tennis skirt you may try wearing shorts and regular cotton
underwear. If your inner labia project beyond the outer labia, this is very
common, they could become irritated by your clothing. There could be a lack of
lubrication that causes irritation until you start to sweat and produce other
body fluids. If there is already irritation, hence the need for the above
mentioned exam, sweat and urine could irritate the tissues too.
To reduce friction and provide some protection from irritation apply a very light coat of baby or mineral oil, any petroleum based oil, or even better vitamin E oil to your vulva before you play tennis. Apply it to the inner and outer labia and clitoral area. Apply only enough to lightly coat the tissues. Some women apply vitamin E oil to their vulva daily after a shower to reduce friction. Some also recommend that parents apply a lubricant to their preadolescent daughter's vulva to prevent the irritation commonly associated with the wearing of diapers. While it is generally safe to apply the petroleum based products to your vulva, externally, it is advised that you don't use them in the vagina, internally, as there is an increased risk of infection. This is because they tend to coat and adhere to the vaginal walls and the body cannot easily rinse them away. They will also cause condoms to fail if used as a lubricant during sexual intercourse.
Advice on inserting tampons
is in the Health section of the website. When you do
the above exam see if you can insert a lubricated finger into your vagina.
During the exam you should be able to locate your vaginal orifice and determine if
you have a hymen and its size and shape. You can learn more about the Hymen
in the Anatomy section of the website. While looking
in the mirror pretend you are stopping the flow of urine from your body and then
relax. This will allow you to see your pelvic muscle contract and relax. You
need them relaxed if you are to insert a finger or tampon. Don't forget that
your vagina angles back and up towards the middle of your back rather than
straight in. Tampons are not lubricated and you may need to apply a water based
lubricant, this is mentioned on the page about tampons. Don't try to insert or
remove tampons from a dry vagina. It is best not to use tampons when your flow
is light. Keep in mind tampons absorb all the moisture they come in contact
with, not just menstrual fluids.
The change in the color of your menses sounds normal. Your uterus and vagina are
basically cleaning house at the end of your period. The menses is not the
freshly shed lining of your uterus like it is at the beginning of your period.
It is like if you cut a finger and the blood dries out, changing from red to
reddish brown. The darker color simply indicates it is not fresh blood and is
exiting your body at a slower rate than at the beginning of your period.
The 28 day menstrual cycle commonly mentioned is an average so a 24 day cycle is
perfectly normal. Something to be aware of with a menstrual cycle that is
shorter than the average of 28 days is that you have fewer less
fertile days and are at a greater risk of pregnancy if you have unprotected
sex during or shortly after your menstrual period, compared to women with a 28
day or longer cycle.
Question: I've been having sex for 5 years now. I recently had sex with a guy who's penis is a lot larger than what I'm accustomed to. I've never been able to have an orgasm during sex except I really felt like I could with this guy. He was thrusting pretty fast with my legs in the air and I'm on my back, and I felt like I was so close to experiencing orgasm, but I had to stop because I was getting this horrible pain in my stomach. I'm confused as if that pain is normal and I should just keep on going until I have an orgasm, or if that means he's too big, or whatever else it could mean. Thank you for your time
Answer:
Pain always indicates something is wrong so it was wise to stop. This does not
mean there was something medically wrong, only that your body did not like what
was happening to it. Many women find deep penetration painful. Pain is never
normal.
Please see the following page to learn more about the size of your vagina and
what happens to your body during vaginal intercourse.
qa_9/qa9_9.htm
For some women deep penetration is very enjoyable, as a result of the penis
pressing or hitting against their cervix, but there may be a thin line between
what is very pleasurable and what simply hurts, a lot. Stimulation of the cervix
may result in intense sensations that can be pleasurable and/or painful and
border on the edge between the two. I have had women respond very strongly to
cervical stimulation from my fingers or deep thrusting during intercourse. Some
women may not want the feeling to end while others want it to stop immediately.
A woman's level of sexual arousal may influence whether it is enjoyable and her
pain threshold; when a woman is highly aroused she "may" enjoy more
intense forms of stimulation than when she isn't. Orgasm may result from this
stimulation, or the resulting sensations are actually more intense or
pleasurable than an orgasm; keep in mind that orgasm is only one form of
pleasure. Different nerve bundles connect the clitoris and cervix to the spinal
cord and brain, which means the sensations and orgasms that result from their
stimulation may be experienced totally differently for women. You may need to
experiment to see what works for you. You might experiment by getting on top and
controlling the amount and angle of penetration.
While on top you can also
reach down and stimulate your clitoris and allow yourself to experience orgasm,
if you want to. Many if not most women do not experience orgasm as a result of
penetration alone, so you are not alone or abnormal. The majority of women
require clitoral stimulation if they are to experience orgasm.
What may also have been the cause of increased pleasure was stimulation of your
G-Spot, also known as the female prostate gland. You can read about this on the
page about Female Ejaculation in the Orgasm
section of the website. It may have been the diameter of his penis rather than
its length that caused the feelings that led you to believe you were about to
experience orgasm. The secret may be shallow thrusts rather than deep ones. Have
him or you angle his penis so it presses into the front wall of your vagina
rather than straight it. Experiment with different angles and pressures. He can
also hold his penis in his hand to control it, as he uses it to stimulate your
vulva and clitoris; like placing a hot dog in a bun to get you aroused before
intercourse, and then by guiding it so the glans of his penis presses against
the front wall of your vagina during intercourse. It may be better for you if he
demonstrates control rather than speed.
Question:
Hi! First of all, thank you for your site. It's amazing.
I have read everything I can get my hands on, but have not seen my problem
described anywhere.
I am a 47 year old woman, definitely in peri-menopause and experiencing a lot of
menopausal symptoms like hot flashes, night sweats and mood swings, but I keep
them under control with dong quai and wild yam root. I also find I have a much
greater sex drive than usual, and I am separated, so I masturbate a lot.
Here's the problem. A couple of weeks ago I had a major masturbation session
with at least three orgasms and lots of hard rubbing. Everything felt great, no
pain, nothing unusual. I fell asleep exhausted but happy.
The next day when I was in the shower I noticed that my clitoris had shrunk
perceivably. I have always had a rather pronounced clitoris with a very firmly
attached hood - very visible to the naked eye and apparent to the touch.
Suddenly my clitoris is tiny. Almost gone. And this happened literally
overnight.
I still have lots of sensation, in fact more than ever. Even as I sit here
writing this I am aware of sensation from my clitoris. I've learned to get used
to it. The situation doesn't seem to have affected anything else, although I
find now that over the course of a day my panties always have a wet spot of
urine. Not enough to "wet my pants" but enough to be aware of.
Any thoughts about what might have happened?
Answer: I
seem to recall that someone else mentioned experiencing the same but this is not
a subject I know much about about, I am sorry to say.
The following website states that during menopause the clitoris and other
structures of the vulva will shrink in size, as the production of the sex
hormones decreases. In a way, the reverse of puberty occurs during menopause. Estrogen
and testosterone are necessary for a healthy vulva.
http://www.gfmer.ch/Books/bookmp/48.htm
You can search the OBGYN.NET website for
mention of this condition in their discussions by using the following link:
http://www.obgyn.net/search/search.asp
You can also go to http://www.google.com
and enter "+clitoris +shrink" into their search engine. The plus sign
means the words must be found on the pages found. If you put a minus sign in
front of a word then it will be excluded from the results. This is useful if you
don't want porn sites showing up.
Doing Kegels may help with the incontinence. Kegels are addressed on this
website on the pages about Virginity in the Intercourse
section, and at the website linked to below.
http://www.kegel-exercises.com/
You may also want to read about Atrophic Vaginits in the Health section of the website if you are experiencing menopause.
Question: Sorry, I'm a male, 42, but I'm having some concerns. I've been married to the same lady for twenty years. We have a very active sex life. Before we were married I had a healthy sex life with other woman but she was a virgin. Our children are now nearly grown up and my wife tells me she wants to have sex with another man, just to find out what it is like. She's not having an affair and she is being totally honest with me. Should I say go for it? She says its just curiosity and she wont if it will hurt our marriage. What should I do? I know she loves me very much.
Answer:
I don't believe her curiosity is unusual, especially for a woman who has had
only one sexual partner. This isn't something you can explore fully through role
playing. The main challenge confronted is jealousy. How do you feel about it and
are you comfortable with the idea? Even if you are now, you may not be later.
How do you feel when other men look at your wife? What if she likes it, or
because of circumstances finds it incredibly enjoyable and wants to do it again?
Another factor is the possibility that family and friends find out if she is
seen with another man; you may have to go on a trip out of town to avoid friends
and family finding out. The other man may become jealous or possessive too, or
wants more than she has to offer. Does she want to get to know the guy first or
have spontaneous and anonymous sex? Do you want to know and meet him? These are
things you need to consider and discuss. Is fulfilling her curiosity worth the
risks? You both may learn a lot from the experience, but you can also learn a
lot from watching others engaging sex on video.
She will need to practice safe sex, which is likely something totally new to
her.
She can find a partner on line or you can both join a swinger's club in your
area. If you want to be involved then the swinger's club may be the best option.
They usually have safe and discrete social gatherings where couples can meet and
get to know one another before sex is considered. Reputable clubs require
prospective singles and couples to be interviewed before they come to a social
gathering. What you want to avoid is men only wanting another conquest, or who
are only interested in their pleasure. There are sometimes ulterior motives
involved and this can result in some unpleasant experiences.
Here are links to information that may be of help:
http://www.sexuality.org/mgswing.html
http://www.mistysparties.com.au/
Question: My
boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. Quite often my boyfriend and I,
after having sex, his penis will get all red and swollen and sometimes itch, and
as for my vagina it is the same thing. Could you tell me why and what to do?
PS: Quite often enough after 15 or 20 minutes of having sex I am all dry inside,
don't lubricate enough. Could that be it?
Answer:
I am not a doctor so I can only provide general information not a medical
diagnosis.
If this is the result of an infection I would expect the symptoms to occur every
or almost every time you engaged in intercourse. Inadequate lubrication could
also result in frictional irritation for both of you. If
it occurs at specific times in your menstrual cycle then it could be the result
of changes in your vaginal and cervical fluids, perhaps resulting in increased
friction if you are not producing sufficient sexual lubrication.
To help determine a cause it would be a good idea for him to use lubricated condoms. This will reduce the amount of friction and provide a barrier between your body fluids. If the symptoms still occur for one or both of you this may help narrow down the cause.
The birth control pill
may reduce vaginal lubrication and desire, as mentioned
on the following web page:
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/2436.html
If you are experiencing
vaginal dryness then it would be a good idea to use a water-based lubricant
during intercourse. Vaginal dryness is a common experience for women. Many women
experience decreased sexual arousal during intercourse, which results in reduced
lubrication. Most women require direct clitoral stimulation if they are to
maintain or increase their level of arousal and experience orgasm during
intercourse. You might consider getting on top so you can reach down and
stimulate your clitoris during intercourse.
If you are experiencing itching, redness, and swelling at other times then you
may have an infection. You should be getting an annual gynecological exam if you
are sexually active. For more information on vaginal infections please see the
following web page:
vaginitis.htm
Bacterial Vaginosis may cause these symptoms, as mentioned in another Q&A.
More information on the potential causes of burning and itching after intercourse can be found on the following websites:
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/dermatology/messages/32952.html
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/0343.html
Question:
I think that I have clitoral priapism but I've seen 3 different doctors and they
don't know what to do. They are not familiar with this and they don't know what
else could be causing my problem.
My clitoris is extremely sensitive and feels "erect" all of the time
and the pain and sensitivity are so bad that I am having trouble with daily
life. If I push down on my clitoris it stays pushed down and then slowly fills
back up and sticks up again. I've had this for 2 weeks and I don't know how to
cope with this and cry every single day.
How is clitoral priapism treated and who can I go to to have it treated?
Answer:
I am not a doctor so all I can do is refer you to the following information.
"Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome" is a relatively new but
rare diagnosis that little is know about, unfortunately. It can result in a
significant amount of emotional distress for women.
The following article is about Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome.
http://www.bumc.bu.edu/Dept/Content.aspx?DepartmentID=371&PageID=8710
The subject has been addressed in some recent articles and letters in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, but a paid subscription is required to view more than a summary of those articles.
Here are links to additional information on the subject:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2003/11/12/MNGUF2VSC71.DTL
http://members.tripod.com/jeannie_allen/id36.htm
http://www.sexualhealth.com/article.php?Action=read&article_id=85&channel=2&topic=34
http://www.answers.com/topic/persistent-sexual-arousal-syndrome
http://www.mymultiplesclerosis.co.uk/misc/orgasms.html
http://www.arhp.org/healthcareproviders/cme/onlinecme/NYNCP/arousaldisorders.cfm
http://www.femalepatient.com/html/arc/sig/21st/articles/article_7.asp
http://www.cmaj.ca/cgi/content/full/172/10/1327
Question: I'm not sure as to what kind of question you would classify this as. My boyfriend and I have been having some intimacy problems. The bad part about it is that I don't even think he notices them. I sometimes fake my orgasms just to please him, but the truth of the matter is that our sex isn't that great. We've been dating for two years now, and it has never been great. I just can't seem to get aroused during foreplay, and he totally ignores the fact that I'm not relaxed enough. He seems to rush things, and then once we've begun he orgasms in like ten minutes. I'm not being fulfilled, and I don't know how to make things better between us. I love him so much, but it just makes me want to cry when I don't get aroused or enjoy our sex. His penis is very large which causes me to have a certain amount of discomfort upon insertion, and the fact that I'm not completely aroused makes it even worse. We have sex at least three times a week, and I find myself having to masturbate after every time. I'm just stressed and I don't know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Answer:
I can certainly understand your growing frustration. You have a right to greater
sexual pleasure and satisfaction. Forty percent of women report some degree of
sexual dissatisfaction so you are not alone. Low desire and arousal is a common
concern. While society is the likely cause of your sexual dissatisfaction you
have to discover and implement the solution. You are ultimately responsible for
your sexual satisfaction, not your partner.
This is something you want to address now, as it will take an ever increasing
toll on the relationship and your own sexual performance and ability. As your
sexual frustration grows other aspects of your relationship will likely be
adversely affected, if they have not been already. Your growing emotional
frustration will likely continue to make it harder to become aroused and
experience orgasm. That is, the frustration will increase and the ability to
become aroused will decrease. The problem may not be resolved simply by choosing
a new partner, if this were an option, because your current anxiety would simply
transfer to the new relationship. This is why it is important to find a
solution.
By faking orgasm and going with the flow you have mislead your partner into
believing you are experiencing orgasms and are happy with your sexual
relationship, for the past two years. For two years he has been led to believe
his techniques are acceptable and your needs are being met. While you say he is
not aware of your sexual frustration and difficulty becoming aroused you don't
appear to have done anything that would indicate otherwise, and if anything have
indicated just the opposite by faking orgasm. Be careful not to send mixed
signals to your partner.
You may be curious to know during studies of sexual arousal women experience
vaginal lubrication more often and to a greater degree than they perceive they
do in some instances. Your boyfriend may observe greater arousal than you are
aware of. There are many emotional issues that appear to influence a woman's
perception of her level of arousal. You could be dripping wet, indicating to
your boyfriend that you are sexual aroused, but your brain doesn't allow you to
be aware of it. If there is emotional conflict this is more likely to occur.
Communication is the most important aspect of a couple's relationship. This goes
for all aspects of the relationship. Sex is the hardest thing to talk about
because we are not taught how as children and teens, and often have no
experience at doing it. We grow to expect sexual pleasure and happiness will
happen on their own and there is nothing to discuss. Simply climb into bed and
things happen automatically. That is our expectation, as a result of how sex is
portrayed in the media. Women often have the expectation that they simply need
to be there to experience sexual pleasure and satisfaction. That their caring
and loving partner will magically know what to do to satisfy them. Your partner
is not psychic so you need to tell him of your feelings and needs.
To add to this women are more often than not raised to be the giver and the one
who makes the sacrifices, and low self esteem results in them often taking the
blame for things that go wrong in a relationship. If you do not accept the fact
that you deserve more from your sexual relationships, and that it is not your
fault alone, then you will be handicapped in those relationships.
There are a couple ways to get the communication started. The direct way is to
tell your partner that you are not satisfied with your sexual relationship.
Don't place or accept blame. Simple tell him that your needs are not being
fulfilled. Do this outside the bedroom. First tell him you want to talk about
something that is "very important" to you, so he knows, and hopefully
you gain his full attention. You don't have to tell him that you have been
faking orgasm, only that you are not having orgasms as often as you would like.
Tell him that lately you have been having trouble becoming aroused and need more
foreplay and to use a sexual lubricant. In the survey on the website that looks
at female sexual dissatisfaction 57% of women have
reported experiencing vaginal dryness during intercourse at some point in their
life, so you are not alone.
During sex you can ask for slight changes. Ask that he orally stimulate your
vulva. Tell him you would "like" it if he would perform cunnilingus
for longer periods of time. If he does something "that feels good",
tell him. Tell him, "don't stop." Don't fake pleasure or orgasm,
period, there is no acceptable reason. If he does nothing that feels good
tell him "lets try this." Be positive. Also ask him what he would like
so perhaps he will get the idea he should ask you what you like. Ask him,
"Does this feel good?" Demonstrate what you would like him to do for
you. If he doesn't catch on then you will have to be more direct.
Introduce him to this website by telling him about a website you heard about
from a friend or found by chance. Tell him it has some interesting information.
Direct him to pages of interest to you. Tell him, "They have some
interesting information on intercourse you might want to read." or
"They have good advice on cunnilingus." Hopefully he would start to
get the message. You can read through the website with him and point out things
of interest. By pointing out information that applies to you you don't have to
admit to it, unless he starts asking questions. If he starts asking questions,
hopefully he does, be totally honest. Showing him the website will hopefully
make him realize most women need more than intercourse to be satisfied, or that
a couple minutes of foreplay are not sufficient prior to "sex."
You can also write a letter explaining things to him. You can even send him an
e-mail. Tell him that you love him but need more. Tell him what you want and
need. If you aren't sure of your needs then be honest about that and your desire
to explore.
To help with relaxation ask that he apply some lotion or massage oil to your
body prior to sex. Let him know what feels good and don't allow him to rush it.
Take some deep breaths and exhale slowly. Take a hot shower alone or together to
help you relax. If you are not able to relax then there are emotional issues at
work, your frustration for example. If you are not able to relax then you
probably should not be engaging in partnered sex.
Learning and doing Kegel exercises, mentioned
on the pages about virginity in the intercourse
section of the website, will help you to control your pelvic muscles. This will
allow you to sense if your pelvic muscles are tense, which may be the cause of
the discomfort during intercourse. Before he inserts his penis do a mental
check, "Am I and my pelvic muscles relaxed?" Even if you are dripping
wet, if your pelvic muscles are tight, intercourse will be uncomfortable for
you, but this may feel nice to him.
You may also want to insert an object of equal size to his penis when you
masturbate to help your body to adapt to its size. This will help if it is the
diameter of his penis is the problem, not if it is the length. If it is the
length of his penis that is the problem then the solution is simply to have him
insert less of it. Many women find deep penetration uncomfortable. You probably
should be getting on top for several reasons anyway.
It is good that you are masturbating to help with the physical frustration, and
perhaps with the emotional stress and frustration too. You should not feel
guilty for masturbating after sex if your needs have not been met. It simply is
part of taking responsibility for your sexual pleasure.
My suggestions is to move your masturbation activities up in time, to masturbate
during partnered sex rather than after. During intercourse get on top and reach
down and caress your clitoris, to help increase your arousal and to increase the
chances of orgasm. In the survey about sexual
satisfaction the number of women who never experience orgasm during
intercourse drops from 21% to 11% when there is additional clitoral stimulation
provided.
Masturbation should become a normal and regular part of your foreplay
activities. Put on a sexy outfit and tell him you have a surprise for him. Then
proceed to masturbate as he watches. Show him what works best for you. Don't
allow him to interrupt. Ask him to masturbate so you can see what he likes.
Don't be afraid to limit your sexual activities to mutual masturbation,
especially if you are having trouble relaxing and becoming aroused. You want to
take the focus off intercourse and place it on foreplay. Make foreplay the main
event.
I hope this information helps.
Question: I'm 15 and I'm always thinking about sex and always aroused. I know other girls that are like me but not as extreme. I do masturbate sometimes but I try not to because I don't feel comfortable in my house with my family always home. I'm hoping this is normal. I really don't want to become dependent on guys to satisfy me. Please help, I've been thinking about what I should do for a while, thanks. Bye.
Answer:
In the survey about sexual
desire on the website over 50% of the women say they believe their level of
sexual desire is greater than that of their peers. 30%
masturbate one or more times a day according to the survey about masturbation.
I am sure you are perfectly normal. I am sure many teens are uncomfortable
masturbating when others are home, but keep in mind your family likely
masturbate too and/or engage in other sexual activities. So it isn't like you
would be doing something they don't do too. While your parents may not say
anything they likely presume you masturbate and I am sure your mother
masturbated when she was your age, there is a 80-90% chance she did and still
does. If you have teenage sisters or brothers then I am guessing they masturbate
too.
If you are concerned about privacy, the bathroom is a good place to masturbate,
as you can probably lock the door. You can do it anywhere in there, but the
shower makes a good place, as the noise of the water may conceal any noises you
happen to make. You can blame your glowing complexion on the hot water. I know
some teenage girls almost live in the shower, as it is the only place that
provides them privacy. You can read through the shared
masturbation techniques and experiences to learn how others concealed their
masturbation habits from their family. If nothing else, their experiences will
help you feel better about your sexual desire and masturbation activities.