Questions and Answers About Female Sexuality Volume 10: Questions 101-110

Question: Please send me the correct pronunciation of the word "clitoris". Is the first syllable accented or the second?

Answer: Both pronunciations are considered correct. Please see the website linked to below.

All About My Vagina: Clitoris

Question: I was informed about the existence of The-Clitoris.com by a friend in Germany.

The issue problem is our daughter was born without a vagina, she is now becoming 2 years old and we are anxious on what to do.

We would highly appreciate it if you could advice whom we could contact to receive proper advice, if not from you.

Answer: My personal and unprofessional opinion is that you should not allow or request any surgical procedures that are not required for medical reasons. There are some who feel more harm than good was done to them by the surgical procedures that were supposed to have "fixed" them. Your daughter isn't broken, only different. It is perhaps best to allow her to decide how she wants her body to look and function when she reaches her teens. Here are some links to information and website that may help you make an informed decision:

Management of Intersexuality: Guidelines for Dealing with Individuals with Ambiguous Genitalia

Intersex Society of North America (ISNA)

Ambiguous Genitalia and Intersexuality

Question: Dear doctor,

First of all excuse me for my English.

Second, I have a friend, who is a virgin and she has an infection by a kind of Staphylococcus. She has had a lot of oral antibiotics that resulted sensitivity to them, but none of them changed her condition. Pharmacist and doctors says that she has to take some medications, inside her vagina, but she can't and she refuses. Is there anything she can do for it? I believe we don't have many good doctors here, so it is difficult to find one. Can you give me some advice?

Answer: I am sorry but I am not a doctor and this is not a subject I know about. I can only refer you to other websites. This is a very serious medical condition that needs to be addressed by a qualified doctor.

Diagnosis & Treatment:

Diagnosis and Treatment of Staphylococcus aureus

Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA)

Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus

A possible non-medical treatment for this infection is described on the following website:

Diagnose-Me.com: Grapefruit Seed Extract

The types of vaginal infections caused by Staphylococcus are described on the following website. Do a search for "Staphylococcus".

Australian Prescriber

The types of bacteria normally found on or in the body are described on the following website.

The Normal Bacterial Flora of Humans

Toxic Shock Syndrome is caused by this type of infection. The use of tampons and their role in this infection are described on the following websites. A local teen was hospitalized with this type of infection recently (July 2006).

Wikipdia: Toxic shock syndrome

Her inability to insert objects into her vagina and the anxiety she feels may indicate that she has a condition called vaginismus. Please see the pages linked to below to learn more about this condition.

Women's Therapy Center: Vaginismus

Medline Plus: Vaginismus

Vaginismus.com

Yahoo Groups: Vaginismus Support Group

A Guide to Locating Your Vagina and Determining the Cause of Vaginal Pain

Question: I have a question which has been making me feel very anxious for the last few months. I am a 26 year old female in a steady relationship. Growing up, I have always been attracted to men .. I've always fantasized about them, loved reading romantic novels and being turned on by male/female sex and during high school and university always felt the need to impress males and flirt with them. I am in a relationship and I love my boyfriend enormously .. my heart swells at the thought of him and I love being around him and would love to marry him one day.

However about 3 years ago I became very self-conscious around women .. suddenly I noticed on a sexual level every female regardless of looks or age .. and I am not certain if they turn me on or if I am just sexually aware of them .. but I am drawn to their feminine assets of breasts and bums. It is not a particular female, just females generally .. and I am wondering if I am bi-sexual or even lesbian. My biggest fear is being a lesbian, as I do not necessarily want to be one; I have never had female fantasies nor have had a crush on a girl, I just get (or think that I do) sexually aroused around women all the time. Since I was about 18 I also recall when chatting with my girlfriends or females which I've met, the urge to kiss them, but only for a split second and not think about it any longer.

When the anxiety of these thoughts is not at the top of my head, these thoughts I feel comfortable with and accept them as a part of my life, as every part of my life I love and wouldn't change, and when these thoughts aren't at the forefront of my mind, I feel very comfortable around females as friends and don't see them in a sexual way. It's only when I get anxious with these feelings that they suddenly become there all the time and seem to dominate my life and make me very confused, fearful and anxious and all my logic is overridden by them. I've read about female and lesbian sex and although it turns me on to a small extent, feels a bit yuck and makes me cringe a little. When I do not have these thoughts, female sex does not appeal to me at all. I should say that when these thoughts do occur, they are constant for about 2 months then disappear.

Growing up, I have never been close to my mum physically, we never hug or kiss and I am wondering if this is a part of the uneasiness or consciousness I experience around women? My 15 year old sister is very physical with my mum and gets hugs and kisses all the time which I am a bit jealous of. I was also sexually abused as a 5 year old by a 15 year old boy .. although this is something that I get in flashbacks and have a feeling happened, although not 100% positive. In high school I had very close female friend circle which we discussed everything, and since university, I haven't had many close female friends and miss that female friendship.

I haven't always been able to get aroused by my boyfriends either ... occasionally I absolutely love having sex with my boyfriend and do get aroused naturally to a great extent by his smell, touch and the intimacy of being physical with him but probably only half the time. There are a number of occasions when I crave male, and particularly his sex, but not all the time. I know that this is largely due to me not being comfortable around my own body and is something I am trying to work on.

I've talked to great lengths to him about all this, and he thinks that these feelings are perfectly normal and could mean a number of things, or could mean nothing but I should not dismiss them and work with them.

I almost feel that emotionally I am hugely attracted to my boyfriend and know in my heart I want to be with him forever, but sexually I have an awareness of women on the surface, but don't find it appealing to actually act on it and form a relationship. I have never had a crush on a female, just find them sexually arousing. Having said that, the sexual attraction is with my partner also, but not to the same extent that takes over when I go through these fazes.

It is making me really anxious and stressed and I'm not sure what to do about it .. sorry for the length of the email .. but any advice would be appreciated.

Many thanks.

Answer: Your feelings and experiences are perfectly normal, with the exception of the sexual anxiety you experience.

I don't know if you have read the page on sexual orientation, but just in case you have not here is a link to it:

Female Sexual Orientation

In that article I mention how 70% of the women who have participated in a survey on this website have said they have thought, fantasized, or imagined themselves having sex with another woman so you are not alone in your experience. I also mention how we are taught to idolize the female form and to sexualize the female body. Based on this information no one should be surprised to learn about your experiences and feelings. Given society's views on bisexual and lesbian women some anxiety is also to be expected, unfortunately.

What you may want to ask yourself and try to understand is why you fear or do not want to be a lesbian, or bisexual? Are your feelings justified? What would be so bad about it? Are your feeling instinctive or learned? I suspect they are learned. Exploring the idea, mechanics, and possibility of sex with another woman doesn't mean you are bisexual or a lesbian, only that you are curious about the possibility. It is okay to wonder about, "What if...?" and "What would...?" Being comfortable with the possibility of sex with another woman doesn't mean you would ever actually do so. Don't confuse fantasy with reality!

Even if these thoughts sexually arouse you, because of their sexual context, that doesn't mean you are sexually attracted to women. Finding a woman aesthetically attractive or being curious about her anatomy does not mean you find her sexually attractive. For you to be bisexual or a lesbian you must find women physically and sexually attractive, be physically drawn to them, experience sexual arousal when those you are attracted to are near, and you must be emotionally compatible with them. If you aren't sure if other women sexually arouse you then they probably don't, or you are in denial of the possibility. You may want to read about Subjective Sexual Arousal Disorder to learn how the brain doesn't always tell women when they are physically sexually aroused.

Your feelings do not indicate that you are a lesbian or bi-sexual, but your anxiety could intensify your physical and psychological responses to these women or their anatomy. Your reaction may not be sexual in nature, but rather the result the of the anxiety you feel towards the "possibility" of having sexual feelings for them. You need to understand whether the sexual thoughts cause the anxiety or if anxiety causes the sexual fixation. Are you experiencing sexual arousal when near these women or only anxiety? The physical changes associated with sexual arousal and anxiety can be quite similar, but vaginal lubrication and genital blood engorgement will not occur if you are experiencing anxiety. When you have these experiences you may need to visit a bathroom and do a check with your fingers to determine if the experience caused physical sexual arousal, i.e. vaginal lubrication and genital blood engorgement.

The fact that you try to suppress your feelings towards women may be the reason why they became so intense. Forbidden fruit is always more desirable than the things we allowed to have. Instead of suppressing these thoughts and possible sexual feelings you might consider actually exploring them and building on them, at least in your mind. Imagine yourself having sex with these women, or exploring their body. Use them to get yourself sexually aroused and then go masturbate or engage in sex with your partner. If these thoughts sexually arouse you that doesn't mean you must have physical sex with those you fantasize about. Your sexual thoughts involving women are perhaps similar to those you have had involving men that you would never actually consider engaging in physical sex with. Don't confuse fantasy with reality.

Female sexual desire is influenced by many factors. It is common for it to vary in intensity over time and over the course of a menstrual cycle, as a result of changing hormone levels. Your physical and emotional needs at the time may dictate who and if you are attracted to someone, and how often. While some women are always desirous of sex many are not, and a woman's level of desire may increase or decrease with time.

The only harm being done at present is the guilt you are feeling for something you haven't actually done. No one knows what you are thinking unless you tell them. It can be your little secret. If it is naughty and helps you get aroused, or lets you know you are experiencing sexual desire then use it to your advantage. If your boyfriend accepts your thoughts and feelings perhaps you should too.

This sexual conflict with women may be the reason behind you lack of female friends at this point in your life. You may need to find a woman to explore some of your curiosity with, like your desire to kiss another woman. Perhaps you can ask your younger sister for a hug? The ask if it is okay to kiss her? Once you fulfill these nonsexual desires perhaps you will feel more comfortable around women and develop relationships with them.

Question: Here's my problem. At 30 years of age I just recently learned how to have an orgasm with a vibrator near my clitoris. I never had one before by myself or with men. The other day I tried using vaginal stimulation without the clitoral vibration. And it seemed to work for a bit, until I added in the clitoral stimulation, first by hand, then with rabbit ears of the vibrator. Doing this killed all my arousal in both areas, and after over an hour of trying I gave up.

Here's my question. Why did clitoral stimulation kill the vaginal arousal? Is it because of my past history with vaginal sex? Or is by body just confused by the signals because everything is new to me?

Answer: Congratulations on learning how to experience orgasm. :)

There are many possible causes this experience. It may have been the break in rhythm as you changed techniques, the unfamiliarity with the combined techniques, loosing your sexual train of thought, or emotional discomfort with the techniques or situation. You may also have reached your sexual limit at that point, because of exhaustion, etc. You may have tried to have an orgasm when your mind and/or body weren't prepared to. On a logical level you may have wanted to experience orgasm, perhaps to prove to yourself that you can have one, but your mind and body were not ready or willing. If it only happened once, or occurs infrequently, then it isn't a reason for concern.

You might try vaginal stimulation alone and then switching to only clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. After you can do that provide vaginal stimulation initially, then leave the object or fingers inside your vagina but hold them stationary, not providing vaginal stimulation, then provide clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm. Then try using both types of stimulation simultaneously to reach orgasm. The main thing is to go slow and to listen to your body. You may also have to learn how to keep your mind focused on sexual thoughts when you change your physical techniques and body position. You may have to learn how to make natural and fluid transitions between sexual techniques. You may want to consider watching an erotic video while you masturbate to provide a little visual stimulation, or read some erotica to keep your mind focuses on sex.

There are different nerve supplies that supply the vagina and clitoris and this often results in different sensations and emotional responses when they are stimulated. Vaginal stimulation often results in a more emotional response than clitoral stimulation.

You are new to orgasm so it will take some time to figure out how things works best for you. Do not put unnecessary pressure on yourself by trying to skip the learning processes involved in exploring your sexuality. You want to explore and discover your sexuality rather than trying to mold your sexuality into something it isn't and can never be. Your chronological age is not an indication of your level of sexual development.

Don't try too hard to have an orgasm, respect the limits set by your mind and body. A sudden decline in interest, desires, and arousal can have numerous possible causes that may or may not be sexual in nature. You are only human.

Question: I'm a teen and I feel really insecure about my body (I can't even change in the locker room at the gym without feeling embarrassed). I also feel uncomfortable exploring myself because for some reason I feel it's wrong and that I'll get seriously busted for it. Is it natural to feel this way and is there anyway to get rid of these feelings?

Answer: While I wouldn't say it is normal to feel this way about one's body it is a common experience; more so for women than men. This is the reason why women's locker rooms often have individual shower areas, but men have a common shower area. Some may say this is because women are more modest than men. While individual shower areas provide women with privacy it also means they never get to see how other women's bodies truly look. This contributes to the anxiety they feel because they believe everyone else has a model's figure. They are able to hide their perceived imperfections from their peers but in return they never see the imperfections of others. The only breasts they see are either molded by bras to meet the current social ideal or that have been surgically and/or artistically (airbrushed photographs) enhanced, which means they never see real breasts besides their own.

Your anxiety is likely the result of how you were raised to feel about your body. This anxiety often intensifies during puberty, as now your body has a whole new look to it that isn't easy to hide from others, but is openly judged. This is something you are likely made aware of daily in the media.

If open nudity was not permitted in your home you are more likely to experience this anxiety than if you had been allowed to be nude at times. As a young girl you may have been chastised for going about naked, or disapproving faces were made when you were naked, which taught you to be ashamed of your body; that you had something to keep hidden. Seemingly innocent things like making you wear underwear except when bathing led you to believe you have something others don't want to see and must hide You likely inherited your mother's feeling about her own body. If you never saw your parents and others naked, and have only the women shown in magazines and movies to compare yourself to, you probably don't have a realistic expectation of what the bodies of other teens and women look like. This leads to considerable anxiety in young women, whether they show it or not.

The reason for the Female Body Image section of the website is to allow teens and women to see what the breasts and vulva of their peers truly look like. On the page about hygiene I provide advice for parents that is meant to help their daughters feel better about their body. Of course, open family nudity doesn't mean a girl wont at times choose to hide her body from others, as a father's shared experiences with his daughter reveal.

Keep in mind your locker room partners likely share your anxiety. Some simply hide it better than others; even if they walk about as if being nude was totally natural for them, which in some cases it is. Those considered most attractive often experience the greatest anxiety, because the fear of not living up to the expectations of their peers. Those who you believe have a nicer body than your own may not agree with you, and may actually envy your body. If you know and accept that your body isn't and needn't be perfect getting undressed will be easier to do.

To help with the anxiety try the following exercises. When at home, close and lock the your bathroom or bedroom door and undress fully or partially and then examine yourself in a mirror. If you do this before or after your shower or bathe, or when changing in your room, it provides a valid excuse for locking the door. Relax, take a couple deep breaths, relax your stomach muscles, and look at yourself. What do you like about your body? Talk to yourself out loud and tell yourself what you like about your body and why. Don't focus on the things you don't like, if any. Look at the front and back of your body. Do this daily when possible. After a bath or shower stand in front of the mirror and do the same and compliment yourself for the things you like about your body. If you have learned to masturbate compliment your body for the pleasure your body provides you. Don't look at only your breasts and vulva but your entire body, from head to toe. If home alone, even for only a few minutes, draw the curtains and walk around naked, or work at your computer or watch TV while nude, partially undressed, or when wearing only a robe that is open in the front. If you feel really adventures put on a long dress or skirt but go without underwear, first while at home, then out in public.

When you become comfortable doing this you are ready to tackle the locker room. Simply try to stand in your bra and panties for a few extra seconds each day. Then try leaving your bra off a few extra seconds, then your panties. Count to yourself to determine how long you have remained in this state of undress, and to focus your mind on something other than your exposed body. You might count your breaths to ensure you are breathing. Challenge yourself beforehand to see how high you can count. Remind yourself of the fact that some of the girls share your anxiety; those who undress and dress quickly or in the corner. When you can do this, challenge yourself to walk around in only a towel, and then to make short trips without anything on. The layout of the locker room and habits of the other girls will determine what is appropriate and possible for you.

To help you feel better about exploring your body lock your bedroom or bathroom door and remind yourself that your parents, siblings, and peers have most likely done the same exploration. They wont "catch you" doing anything they haven't done themselves. Even if they react negatively, which may happen if they are as equally surprised by this event, don't forget this is a normal and healthy activity for you to participate in. Some parents are simply shocked by the realization that their child is a sexual person, even if they are comfortable with the activity that is observed. Many parent falsely believe their children are devoid of any sexuality and are shocked when confronted with evidence that is in contradiction to this believe.

In a survey on this website 90% of women say they have masturbated. If your parents have a healthy attitude towards your sexuality they would expect you to explore your body and sexuality and be supportive of those activities. They should be telling themselves, "Of course she explores her body and masturbates." There is a pretty good chance they have already seen you explore your body and masturbation when you were younger, which means you are needlessly trying to conceal something they already know you do. The topic of sex often causes us to act in very peculiar ways, because of how society treats the subject.

You will only be concerned about being caught if you believe you are doing something wrong. Reading through the shared masturbation experiences should help you feel better about exploring your body and the pleasures it can provide. These shared experiences should help you feel less alone in your sexual activities, and result in a decreased need to hide those activities. When you start exploring partnered sex you will want to show off these sexual skills rather than hide them, as mutual masturbation is a normal, healthy, and necessary part of partnered sex.

For extra privacy you can explore your body while in the shower or tub with the door locked and not have to worry about being "caught".

There is more information available on the subjects you ask about in the Q&A linked to below, and under Puberty and Self Discovery in the Q&A section of the website.

Why is it I have problems touching myself or masturbating?

Question: My name is Jane. I am a South Asian American female that currently resides in Southern California. I have been questioning my sexuality for a long time. I considered myself heterosexual until the age of 17. When I was 17, someone jokingly made a comment that I was a lesbian (they were not being serious). I remember sitting down and asking myself whether I could be a lesbian or not. Here is the thing: I thoroughly enjoy fantasies about men. I love fantasizing about being with a man both sexually and romantically (although in these fantasies I am a lot more beautiful and accomplished than I am in real life). I do, however, find women incredibly attractive. Since I was little, I used to get aroused by images of nude women very frequently.

Anyway, since I started questioning my sexuality, I have started feeling really weird around women that I think are attractive. It is like...If I see a picture of a girl that I think is attractive, I immediately feel like I somehow want her sexually. Then, I go back and try to fantasize about being with this girl and it never works. These fantasies are not as hot and passionate as the ones I have with my imaginary "dream man" (I currently do not have a crush on anyone, so I don't really fantasize about anyone real as of the moment). It is weird though, because since I started questioning my sexuality, my attraction to real men in my life has definitely decreased and I have started noticing women a lot more. But the thing is, I can never really fantasize about being with a women. Thus, I do not know how much these "weird" feelings I have when I see an attractive woman are induced by my questioning or are really significant. I never used to have these "weird" feelings before. It is only once I began questioning my sexuality that these weird feelings started. Questioning my sexuality is incredibly stressful and taking away from my schoolwork. Do you have any ideas for what is going on?

Answer: Have you read the article about sexual orientation linked to below? While this article may not help you to determine your sexual orientation it will reveal the fact that you are not alone in not knowing, as others share your experience.

Female Sexual Orientation

Finding someone physically attractive, as in pretty or handsome, is not the same thing as sexual attraction. You may find someone attractive, which is usually socially determined, but that does not mean you find them sexually attractive. I know what an attractive man looks like even though I am not sexually attracted to men.

Who, if anyone, when you look at them causes you to feel sexually aroused? Who causes your vagina to lubricate and your clitoris to throb? (87% of women report they experience a noticeable change in their clitoris during sexual arousal.) These physical responses, and others, indicate physical sexual attraction. Being "attracted to" or "in love" does not mean you are sexually compatible.

Fantasy, as mentioned in the article linked to above, appears to be the least reliable indicator of sexual orientation. Women who identify as heterosexual frequently fantasize about sex with women, and lesbians sometimes fantasize about sex with men. Fantasy is simply fantasy and has no bearing on reality, or it wouldn't be fantasy.

In a survey on this website women say slightly more of them have been sexually aroused by photos of nude women than nude men, which again may be the result of what society considers attractive. Society basically worships the female figure and we all learn to idolize it. So you are not alone in this experience either.

You may presume you are heterosexual but if you are simply going with the flow you can be detoured pretty easily. Anyone who has not found what they are looking for or aren't sure of what they are looking for can be steered in the wrong direction by a comment from others. While it may have been a comment from a friend, it could just as easily have been the experience of finding a woman on the street sexually attractive or dreaming about sex with a woman. Until that comment was made you may have been going with the flow but when you started questioning things you found no clear answer, which I believe to be a common experience for young women. Social expectation may have caused you to presume you were heterosexual without any evidence to prove or disprove otherwise. You were heterosexual by default or presumption, not fact.

You may have no concept of lesbian sexuality, how two women make love, but images of heterosexuality are pretty common in our daily life. I know some lesbians had no concept of lesbian sex, what two women do together, when neither partner has a penis, before they started exploring sex with another woman. In their mind, lesbian sex consisted of hugging and kissing. In your mind, sex may be what a man and women do. It is "sex" that sexually arouses you rather than the participants and their anatomy.

You may have no conceptualization of sex between two women. This is perhaps why fantasizing about sex with another women does not work for you, as you likely have no lesbian role models, sexual or otherwise. If you knew what women looked like when making love then perhaps that would give your mind something to imagine. If you can visualize two women kissing, see what that does for you. It may need to be two women you know, or you and a woman that you know and are intimate with before you can see them in a sexual context. If kissing is not erotic for you then this probably will not work. You may want to watch or read some lesbian porn, preferably with real lesbians, to see what lesbian sex is truly like. Mainstream "lesbian" porn may turn you off rather than on because it is so cliché, i.e. nothing like real sex.

You need to consider whether the "weirdness" you feel towards some women is a positive or negative experience. Is it a sexual response that is the result of a sexual attraction or a negative response, as a result of fearing you are sexually attracted to them? Is it only a knot in your stomach or does your clitoris throb and your vagina and vulva feel wet? Who if anyone causes you to become sexually aroused when you see them in person, when you accidentally touch them, or when you think of them in a non-sexual way? Do not confuse aesthetic attraction for sexual attraction, regardless of the person's anatomy or gender. You can hold hands and cuddle with anyone but who makes your clitoris throb or become erect?

Given that you are young, I don't believe you should be pressuring yourself to explore sex with a partner, or to etch in stone the gender or genders you will explore sex with in the future. Don't try to determine your entire life in an instant. Don't worry about a label. It is okay to simply say, "I don't know, I am exploring my options." If you find a boy attractive, date him, if you find a girl attractive, date her, if sexual feelings develop you may or may not want to explore sex with her. If no one causes you to experience physical sexual arousal explore until you find someone that does. If a person's physical presence never causes you to experience sexual arousal then there isn't a sexual attraction.

In closing, I am discovering that women are not usually guided by sexual motives, on a conscious level. While we may joke about guys being led around by their penis, it seems most women are not led around by their clitoris, or sexual desire. If sexual desire is not a strong guiding force for women, trying to use it as a guide simply will not work. If emotional needs are your primary guiding force, and society requires your heterosexuality, then you need to find the person or persons who fulfill your emotional needs and not worry about their physical anatomy. When your emotional needs are met perhaps your sexual needs will become clearer. Our sexual and emotional needs may not necessarily point in the same direction, or be fulfilled by one person. A female partner may fulfill different needs than a male partner.

Question: I have holidays nowadays and the thing is I have like really increased sexual desire. Like the smallest stimulus makes me throb and gets me wet, and even when I'm not in bed or alone I'm fantasizing about sex and stuff… like most of the day! I am 19 by the way... Also, I've never had sex though I have masturbated externally many times. I've never inserted anything in my vagina though... Since I'm free nowadays and just generally aroused, I decided to examine myself "down there" and with a mirror saw some really shocking stuff…firstly I have no opening at all! Like I tried stretching my inner lips all the way but even then I could not see any opening, even a tiny one! SO I tried fingering myself and well below the urethra, there was a small flap of pink flesh (???) and just below that I got my finger through into a canal! And then there was a circular protuberance below that (what was that??) and below this protuberance, I could again push my finger into a canal. (ALL this was inside my inner lips) Can you please explain this?

Also, I looked at my clitoris, and there was white stuff on it.. What's that? Is it normal or some kind of disease or something? I masturbate for hours nowadays (everyday!) and after that I get a pain in my abdomen. Am I overdoing it?

Please do help, and many thanks for a great site.

I only wish there were more pictures (photos, drawings aren't really helpful) of hymens and stuff because I feel really weird about mine *Sniff* Could you suggest a site where I can see such photos (NOT porn, just hymens generally…like clean photos)

Thanks a LOT.

Answer: Many young women experience intense sexual desire, and some have written in to ask about their experiences. In a survey on the website 51% of women say they believe their level of sexual desire is greater than that of their peers. Others have written to say they also find their sexual desire totally distracting. In a survey about masturbation more woman than you may expect admit to doing it for hours or even days at a time.

Several young women have written to ask why they experience intense sexual desire after learning to masturbate in their late teens and early twenties; when they were not aware of their desire prior to learning to masturbate. The more sexual you are the more sexual you may feel and want to be. Sex begets sex. For the time being it may consume your time and energy but it will likely vary in importance over time. If you are just now starting to explore your body and sexuality it may be more important than it has been in the past. Many have this experience during puberty but for others it is delayed until early adulthood, or even later. For short periods of our lives it is okay to be consumed by sex, it is only natural. At other times sex wont be of interest at all. Consuming desire is only a problem if it prevents us from engaging in the other activities necessary for our physical and emotional well being, or interferes with our relationship with our partner and family.

The abdominal discomfort could be from tightening your stomach muscles for long periods of time so try different positions, like laying on your side or sitting upright. If the pain is internal and low down, perhaps your uterus is cramping; this would feel much like a menstrual cramp. This could be the result of the hormones released during sexual arousal and orgasm; oxytocin being one of them.

A couple days ago I added photos of the vulva to the website. They are linked to below. They don't often show the hymeneal area, but some do. This area, the vaginal opening, often has an irregular shape. While some are smooth, others are bumpy or have skin tags. I am sure your anatomy is normal. The article about locating your vagina has several photos of the vestibule, the area around the vaginal orifices.

Photographs of the Vulva

There are a couple other websites with illustrations or photos of the hymen, they are linked to below:

Illustrations of the hymen in various states

Medscape: Imperforate Hymen

Medscape: Pediatric Imperforate Hymen

The white substance around your clitoris is likely sebum, which is normal, but when it collects is called smegma and if it hardens it can cause problems. Please see the pages linked to below: It may indicate you need to rinse your vulva with plain water a little more thoroughly, and the need for regular visual inspections.

Clitoral Adhesions

Feminine Hygiene

It is hard to know what you where feeling inside your vagina. It sounds like there is a lot of soft tissues just outside your vaginal opening, then possibly beyond that is your hymen, then your vagina. Others have written to ask about similar anatomy, but without seeing it is almost impossible to know. The vulva comes in many more shapes and sizes than the penis, while each penis is unique they all kind of have the same shape, not so with vulvas. Perhaps you need to look through the photos linked to above and then examine your vulva again with a mirror to determine your own anatomy. You may need to spend several hours looking at your vulva, from different angles and in different positions to figure it all out. Even then you may need to consult a doctor and ask them to identify the different parts. If you have a close female friend you may ask if you can have a look at their vulva and if they will look at yours, after explaining your concerns and experiences so far.

The vaginal walls are not smooth, as shown on the page linked to below:

What is this lump inside my vagina?

The pelvic muscles may feel like a tight ring too, they are located about an inch (2.5 cm) inside the vagina, and you can contract them by pretending you want to stop the flow of urine from your bladder. Some women notice their pelvic bone towards the top front of their vagina. You can learn more on the pages about virginity linked to below:

A Guide to Loosing Your Virginity

Follow-up Question: THANKS A LOT

To be honest, I wasn't expecting a reply and certainly not such a detailed one. Thank you… I realize the pink bits are just skin tags… and I tried looking at my vagina from a different angle and did see an opening, albeit a small one, nothing like the ones I saw on your site! Anyway, thanks a lot…I feel so reassured and relieved.

I have another question… I've just started exploring my body and it's all really thrilling… I read about orgasms on your site and from the descriptions was certain I had never had one so I tried having one the other night…I lay on my back and tried stimulating myself and it felt super but not like the stuff I had read about so then I lay on my tummy and stimulated myself by touching my breasts and thighs and then my labia and clitoris… and for a while it was just great like before and then suddenly when I touched my clitoral hood, I felt a sudden wild surge of pleasure and my thighs just moved upwards and then when I kept touching myself there I kept moving up and felt really good, nothing like before, and was just aching to get a penis inside me… but the thing is I didn't feel my nipples get erect… maybe I didn't notice or maybe I don't know how erect nipples feel and my breasts were pressing down on the mattress anyway maybe that's why but I'm confused….was this an orgasm or not?

Please tell me what you think…thanks a lot for all the links….

Answer: It certainly sounds like you are making progress with your explorations of
your body and sexuality. Congratulations :)

On the survey about sexual arousal only 16% of women say their nipples always become erect when they become aroused. 62% report that when a partner stimulates their nipples they experience an increase in sexual arousal. I have heard mention that only 50% of women find their nipples sensitive to sexual stimulation. You can see our entire sexual arousal survey at the link given below:

Survey: Female Sexual Arousal

Did you have an orgasm? If you have to ask, probably not, which isn't a bad thing. The main thing is that you have found new ways of giving yourself pleasure and discovered new bodily sensations. Go Girl! An orgasm is most often described as a sensation that radiates outward from the clitoris, with or without vaginal muscle contractions. Some survey results on this website reveal the types of orgasms women have experienced while masturbating:

The problem with describing an orgasm is it is the same as trying to describe what it feels like to sneeze. Orgasms have the same build up, point of no return, and release. How we describe those feelings is as unique as the individual.

You are a beginner, explore pleasure and don't, or try not to, worry about orgasm. Orgasm is simply another type of pleasure. Sometime the pleasure leading up to or without orgasm can be more intense than an orgasm. Those who can experience orgasm quickly may miss out on the pleasures of intense arousal. Try to see how long you can maintain the state of high arousal.

Question: I'm 18 years old and just discovering the full range of my sexuality. My boyfriend already has good sexual experience. He's a wonderful boyfriend - we are talking a lot about sex, he told me about his first time, I can tell him what I feel and think. He's not pushing me to do anything; he said he'd even wait till marriage (which I most definitely don't want to). I feel entirely safe with him and I can trust him.

Now together we discover our body's, our lust, and there's this one problem of which I never really thought it would be a problem. I've been masturbating ever since I can think; I believe I have a good attitude to sexuality. But I never had an orgasm. I don't know why, but after a while my lust is just gone; I can be stimulating my clitoris and then suddenly I just don't feel like it anymore and so I stop. I was never really worried about it, I thought that with a partner it would be no problem. But now my boyfriend is discovering me, and I like it, but anyway - at some time my desire is just gone. I don't feel uncomfortable with him; instead I wished it would go on -- I absolutely don't know what my problem is. Fortunately, my boyfriend immediately notices when something is wrong and I told him about it; he is very understanding and suggested I should talk to my doctor (which I'm going to do next week as well). But it's getting frustrating. Do you have any idea what my problem might be? I'm grateful for any help!

Answer: Have you tried masturbating with water spray, a muscle massager, or a vibrator? Perhaps you need strong stimulation to help you get beyond the barrier that exists. You may need more intense stimulation than your fingers can provide; you simply tire or loose your mental focus before orgasm occurs. Many women find vibrators help them to discover orgasm, and they enhance their pleasure alone and with a partner. A simple fact of life is that some women require a vibrator if they are to experience orgasm.

Some women are easily distracted and need something to keep their mind occupied so you might try reading some erotica or looking at an erotic video while you masturbate, or even during partnered sex; talk dirty or put an erotic video in DVD. You may need to address the cause of the distractions, whether it be stress, bills, conflicts within the relationship, boredom, exhaustion, etc. Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Attention Deficit Disorder and Hyperactivity (ADHD) are another possible cause to the distraction and are addressed in the article about female sexuality and disabilities.

With your partner, explore sex as long as it feels good, but once it no longer feels good, stop, or give him pleasure. Don't make sex about orgasm. It should be about your and their pleasure. Don't try to trade orgasm for orgasm, but some nights it should be for you and some nights for him. Don't try to have an orgasm every time, and perhaps agree on that in advance. Explore orgasm only when you know you will both be relaxed and wont be distracted or rushed, which may only be once a week or once a month; but explore on your own when you wish.

Many eighteen year old women have not discovered orgasm, even if they have been sexually active with a partner for years, and engage in intercourse. A coworker recently told me she started having intercourse at the age of seventeen but did not experience her first orgasm with a partner until she was twenty one, a common experience I believe.

I don't recommend exploring intercourse until you find out what works for you, as intercourse may become more about his pleasure than yours. Keep sex fun and intimate.

Keep in mind that many if not most sex therapists recommend that couples NOT engage in sex when a woman is learning how to have an orgasm. This is because a woman usually needs to figure out what works for her before she can get things to work with her partner. Partnered sex becomes a distraction rather than a benefit. Just something to keep in mind.

If you are taking any type of medication or prescription birth control it may impair your orgasmic response. Some impair arousal and orgasm while others impair only orgasm.

Go to the doctor, but don't expect them to have an answer. Doctors usually know little about sexuality. Their answer will likely be that you are young and shouldn't worry and to keep practicing. Others have received this answer to their concerns, and weren't to happy about it, understandably.

Keep up the exploration, but keep it fun. :)

Question: I was wondering if perhaps you would be able to provide insight into this thing that has been bothering me...

For the past couple years I (being a 14 year old girl) have obviously experienced wet dreams. These are fine, I enjoy them. But sometimes I'll notice that the person I'm having sex with is a member of my immediate family. I am automatically turned off, but I eventually (usually) just give in and go with the flow. The next day I cringe at the thought of it and feel dirty and cheap. What is this? Is it normal, or seriously wrong and weird?!

Answer: These are normal experiences and they aren't something you should be worried about. I intentionally mention incest themed fantasies in the article about sexual fantasies, because I know others would be equally concerned about them. Taboo subjects, which are usually determined by society, are most often the most sexually arousing. Women frequently fantasize about having sex with women, being raped, torture, and interracial partners even though they would never want to experience these things in real life. These "inappropriate" thoughts may provoke a strong emotional response that actually enhances their sexual arousal rather than suppressing it. It is the idea of the taboo sex that is sexually arousing rather than an actual desire to experience it.

I mention in the article about sexual abuse, linked to below, the normal and unavoidable sexual dynamics that exist between family members. If these wet dreams are by chance triggered by subconscious or not so subconscious sexual feelings you may have for the family member don't be alarmed, as these sexual feelings are also normal. They don't indicate there is something wrong with you. You may want to explore the idea of sex with this person when you fantasize rather than avoiding the subject, which may only cause the feelings to become stronger and more distracting. If the desire were to become too intense you may do something you regret later. It is better to express your desires through fantasy than real life actions. We tend to desire forbidden fruit, so don't make it forbidden. Once these thoughts are no longer off limits they may become less arousing, and in time will be replaced by other people and fantasies.

Sexual Abuse

I don't recommend actually exploring sex with this person, but it is okay to explore the idea through fantasy. In a survey on this website a very small percentage of women admit to consensual sex with immediate family members and relatives, indicating some women have sexual feelings for family members that they act upon and are open to exploring.

I don't recommend having sex with this person because it is likely illegal and it would be harmful to your family if they were to know, even if it is consensual. Society programs in very negative responses to the subject, which only causes unnecessary anxiety for people when normal sexual thoughts and situations occur within the family. This topic is also discussed on the website linked to below:

Bringing up Children Sexually by Lonnie Garfield Barbach Ph