Question 1: I have a question regarding me and my boyfriend. I've never had sex before (he has) & since we are starting out together its been tough on us both. For me it hurts when he tries, at first I think it was mostly nerves but I've calmed down a lot too. We've tried a vibrator, lubricants, some alcohol to help relax me (since I'm not much of a drinker I don't have too much), he starts out fingering me and then goes to move on in or tries to, I try my best to relax but I can feel the pain & pressure going on down there & it hurts, no matter what we do. We both admit that its becoming depressing for us both. He doesn't continue since he either sees me in a lot of pain or I may start to cry a little or start to scream if its really bad. He has some muscle relaxants but it won't take the pain away, if this doesn't work then we were thinking of surgery for myself. He says that when he sees me in pain he feels like he is raping me (he has apologized many times for the pain), we've talked about this, even though we may have good communication I still feel very bad for him, its becoming very painful; mentally & physically. Is there any advice for the pain other than what we've tried so far? Please help us out, I've really nobody to talk with, I've never worn a tampon in my life & I think that my hymen is only a little torn but still there & nothing seems to be able to go in, not even a vibrator. This is very hard on us right now, we love each other very much & when we make love we hope it to be pleasurable for us & not painful.
Answer 1: I am very sorry to hear about the pain you have been experiencing when attempting vaginal intercourse. You are not alone in experiencing this, there are people and resources to help you.
First, stop trying to have intercourse. Continued attempts that result in pain will only make things worse, physically and mentally. If you keep trying unsuccessfully, things will not get any better and may worsen. I have recently read some personal accounts where women continued to attempt intercourse, sometimes for several years, and things did get worse.
What you may have is vulvar vestibulitis or vulvadynia. These are medical conditions involving the vulva and the entrance to the vagina, the hymeneal area. They are often indicated by pain during intercourse, or when intercourse is attempted. Visit the website I link to below for more information. Also check out the links on my website, under Vulvar Pain.
http://www.vulvarpainfoundation.org
In regard to sex, do not pressure yourself to have intercourse. Many couples do not or cannot have intercourse. There are many more ways to have enjoyable sex than intercourse. Your partner may even be happy to know you do not expect or want him to have intercourse with you. He likely has come to fear intercourse just as much as you have. He may be relieved if you simply state you cannot have intercourse, and will not attempt to again until after you have found the cause of your pain, and a solution. If he keeps causing you pain, it can have a negative affect on his sexual pleasure, even if he were to seek a different partner.
Take the time to explore your vulva and vagina with your fingers and a mirror. You may also need some lubricant, and some additional lighting. Sit down with your legs spread and have a good look. Using the Anatomy section of my website as a reference, identify all your different parts.
Look for any signs of infection or irritation; red swollen areas. Sometimes areas will look normal even though they cause pain when touched. This also indicates a medical problem.
Locate your hymen and examine it. How large is the opening? Is there any open cuts or tears that have not healed? Very lightly press on the area around your vaginal orifices and check for swollen and sensitive vestibule glands; these glands located under the skin empty through ducts located around the vaginal orifices.
If there is no pain on the outside of your body, try inserting a single lubricated fingertip into your vagina. Use saliva if you do not have access to a another form of lubrication. If you can insert your fingertip explore your vaginal orifice for sensitive areas. If you can insert your entire finger, feel around and explore your vagina.
Go slow, do not attempt or expect to be able to do this all at once. You may need to do it several time to really get to know your anatomy and what things feel like.
You can do this with your partner, but this is not meant nor should it be treated as sex. Make this clear before you start. He can watch you, then he can examine you; taking turns. Engage in show and tell, but not sex.
Once you have examined your body and have located the source of pain, you will most likely need to see a doctor for treatment. If you are a teen, you might tell your mother that you tried to insert a tampon but it was really painful. You can then ask to see the doctor alone and explain what is really the problem.
Do not allow doctors to dismiss the pain, tell you it is all in your head, or will go away on its own. If you get one of these responses from a doctor, find another doctor. Many doctors have little or no knowledge about the conditions I mentioned above.
For more information and personal accounts similar to yours see the link below.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/VulvarDisorders
Please feel free to write me again if you have further questions, which I am sure you likely will. Also read the sections on my website about Cunnilingus and Massage and perhaps Anal Intercourse as well.
Question 2: You were right, I've got more questions. Thank you so much for replying. So far, what has been happening is that this weekend we tried again, he just got the tip in but it really didn't hurt a lot, it actually was nice for a change :) Anyways we had to stop since we had to go out with some friends. I might be getting looser, I notice a little (very little) hole but it is difficult to get anything in there since there is this wall. I'm guessing my hymen. I've been doing some exploring of my own and it is just very tight and uncomfortable. Would it hurt less if I tried loosening it up myself? I know it isn't too safe but we've tried it without a condom, if he never is able to get inside me and come, does that mean I wont get pregnant, or is there just less of a chance?
Answer 2: I am happy to hear I have been able to help and that you have found some enjoyment in your attempts at intercourse. I'm also pleased to know you have been exploring your body and getting to know it.
I would definitely recommend that you continue to explore your vagina and try to stretch and dilate you hymen and pelvic muscles; as recommend on the pages addressing Virginity. It is not a good idea to keep having painful sexual experiences with your partner. In addition, you may irritate your hymen or vestibule glands, and develop a chronic medical condition. Using force simply does not work.
You may need to consider having a doctor perform a medical procedure on your hymen, called a Hymenotomy. This is a surgical procedure where the doctor makes an incision in your hymen to permit penetration. I am not a big supporter of a surgical solution, but in some cases it is the only solution. I am concerned about possible nerve damage and the development of scar tissue. It may not be a total solution either. After surgery you will have to wait a couple weeks for things to heal.
If you have this procedure done, I would recommend that you slowly dilate your pelvic muscles with your fingers before attempting intercourse again. Even if your hymen is no longer causing you pain, your pelvic muscles very well may. This is especially true if you have vaginismus. Vaginismus is a medical condition where the pelvic muscles contract painfully, when intercourse is attempted, or a woman tries to insert her fingers or a tampon. It can develop as the result of physical trauma, medical conditions, or emotional issues. It is sometimes hard to find a cure for this condition. You do not want to develop this medical condition by having repeated incidences of painful intercourse with your partner.
Yes, you can become pregnant even if your partner does not insert his penis fully into your vagina. If semen, it only takes one sperm, comes in contact with your vulva, there is a chance of pregnancy. Doctors have observed teens in the process of giving birth who still had an intact hymen. Technically the girl was still a virgin, even though she was pregnant and giving birth. It is rare, but it does happen. Sperm are pretty determined to perform their intended task. Getting pregnant is not a miracle; the miracle is not getting pregnant. It is usually harder to prevent pregnancy than it is to get pregnant. 80% of all pregnancies are unplanned, accidental!