Perception of Female Sexual Arousal and Desire

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Question: To Whom it May Concern... Brad, I think your name is, right?

I don't really know how the email process works here... I assume you get tons all the time, I really appreciate your looking mine over. I think your web site is amazing, I've looked there a few times for advice.

My name is Elle, I'm a 20 year-old female. I know you get questions on what I'm about to ask you all the time-- that's why there are sections dedicated to it on the site. But I hope that maybe you've heard a case like mine in specific, and could help me in that way.

So here goes... background info, in case you think it's important: I grew up in a very loving family. In fact, I'm in college but I'm very, very close to them (grandparents, too). I have an older brother, who is mentally disabled. We never really talk much about sex in my family... but I know it is preferred that I wait until marriage to have sex.

I'm not one of those girls that discovered masturbation at a really young age. I knew nothing about any of that- nor was I interested. I started dating my best guy friend about 4 years ago, and I wanted to stay a virgin (I'm still with him, and I'm still a virgin). So basically I tried to not let him touch me too much, and I just gave him manual/oral sex for about 2 years. Then he started the same things on me. He tries on me, but it never works out. I don't really like oral sex... something about the feeling annoys me. I think his fingers are too big and it hurts when he tries fingering me (or maybe I'm putting too much of the blame on him...) But it's been 4 years of him being satisfied, and me never, and now I am interested in being pleasured myself.

I have tried SO hard to make myself feel good... and it works to a certain extent. But my boyfriend seems to be the only thing that really arouses me (that probably makes sense, right?) I've tried every position on myself... clitoral stimulation, using lube, every hand motion...I've asked my two best girl friends (who are apparently experts). I've watched porn and tried, I've read sexy stories....nothing is working so far. I try to keep an open mind and stay positive (and not masturbate for the "goal") but that's really hard to do sometimes. I can't seem to make up a scene/fantasy in my mind for long enough to masturbate and keep it feeling good- my friends tell me this is important. So porn may help a little, but not enough.

Now for the more physical aspects: So you know I'm a virgin... but I guess I'm stretched enough for 2 fingers to fit. I think I have a really small clit... teeny, really. It gets harder if I stimulate it manually, otherwise, I don't think it does. This is hard to explain, but: when you pull the hood up (which is small too) there's this like tight circle right around the clit. I think that this means the clit is a little bit attached to the labia minor (inner lips?) on the bottom, below the clit, and if you pull the hood up it's exposed, but everything pulls tight-- do you kind of know what I mean? Anyway, this circle around the clit is painful to touch directly. But with indirect touch, I feel nothing. Once in a while I get a pang of good sensation when I pull the hood up (takes a lot of left hand strength... I'm like pulling the whole thing up so everything is flat, kind of) and push right on the clit (ignore the pain) and move it side to side. But the pain takes over, or that good pang goes away. On the sides, I feel very little. The tight hole formed around my clit when the skin is pulled up is a problem because going up and down on the sides hurts a little. By the way, side note, I only seem to get wet for my boyfriend, but I use lube for myself. Anyway, does this sound like a "clitoral adhesion" to you? I hope not, but why would it be so annoyingly painful (not sharp pain, not agony, just enough to turn me off)?

I went to my college's Gynecologist the other week, but she pretty much sent me away because I'm a virgin, so she thought the tests would be useless. Should I go back to have her look at this? It looks normal... just like one of the pictures on your site, but with a small clit. (Although, do you have any like those, with the skin pulled up, so I can see if there is that tight half-ring?)

I'm looking at vibrators on your site. They are kind of the last resort... I'm almost scared to use them because I may be disappointed. And then what? I'll order them soon (a finger one).

Here are a few more questions: Do you think I need to find something that turns me on more? Because I don't really have beastly urges ever, unless I'm intimate with my boyfriend. Should I try finding my G-Spot even though I'm a virgin? When my boyfriend tries, it makes me feel like I have to pee... even if I've already peed recently... and that feeling doesn't really go away.

I've spent about 2 hours a night trying my best for about a week now, and nothing has come of it (pun intended... sorry, you probably get that all the time). Not even intense feeling like I might have to come. Sometimes I get hot temperature wise when it feels a little bit good... but never anything like I tense up, or my toes curl, or I feel like there is too much tension to handle. So frustrating!!!

This has been a long email, I thank you so very much for reading it all. Feels good to get this all out to someone who knows what they're doing! I will continue trying in any case. Please feel free to use my information on your site in any way. I will keep you updated if you want, and you can use that information, too.

*Anxiously awaiting your reply!* Thank you SO much again!!!

Answer: You have brought up a subject that I have mentioned briefly in prior writings but have not addressed in detail, until now.

First we must consider whether you experience an absence of sexual desire, or an absence of an awareness of your sexual desire. Sexual desire influences the frequency and ease of sexual arousal. The greater the level of sexual desire, the less stimulation one or more of your five senses require to get you sexually aroused. Sexual desire can be experienced physically and/or mentally. Physical sexual desire is most often indicated by spontaneous or uncontrollable physical sexual arousal. Mental or psychological sexual desire is often indicated by spontaneous and uncontrollable sexual thoughts and fantasies. You have sexual thoughts without trying or wanting to; they may very well be distracting. Sexual desire may compel you to be near a sexual partner. The frequency of wet dreams, sexual dreams while sleeping, is a good indicator of innate sexual desire. Women may experience physical and mental indications of sexual desire at the same time, or independently. A woman with impaired pelvic blood flow may experience mental arousal but not vaginal lubrication or blood engorgement of her genitals.

Some women do not experience primary sexual desire that motivates them to seek out sexual experiences, but rather, secondary sexual desire that results from sexual activities they participate in. Non-sexual needs, or the wishes of their partner, motivates them to participate in sex. Once the sexual activity and stimulation commences, their initial reflex physical sexual arousal results in a desire for continued sexual activity, and a greater level of arousal, and ultimately orgasm. Their responsiveness to sexual stimulation may be an indication of their sexual desire at the time.

Sexual desire, or receptivity to sexual activity, may alter a woman's behavior, rather than trigger obviously sexual feelings and actions. Read more.

Men perhaps have it easier, because it is almost impossible to overlook a six-inch erect penis between your legs. If a stiff breeze or a woman walking by results in an erection, they know they are horny. Sexual arousal is perhaps a lot more ambiguous for some women, because for one thing, their erection is much less visible and projecting. There may be less distinct physical indications of sexual arousal for women. They may have to think about it, and not be distracted by other stimuli, physical and mental, if they are to be aware of their arousal. They may need to focus on their arousal, to be aware of it.

The first physical indication of sexual arousal is most often vaginal lubrication, at least based on research conducted in a laboratory. When you consider the fact that the vagina may not be highly sensitive, and is normally moist, increased wetness may not be immediately obvious to a woman. If you are swimming in a lake when it starts to rain, do you feel any wetter? Perhaps the amount of lubrication has to become sufficient for it to reach the vulva, for a woman to become aware of it. Since the vulva is also moist, increased moisture may not always be immediately obvious here either. Are women always aware of the onset of menstruation, of when the first drops of menses reach their vulva, or only when their underwear becomes wet, or they see the blood? The instrumentation used to measure increased vaginal wetness during scientific studies may be more sensitive to changes in vaginal wetness than a woman's mind and body.

While 86% of participants in the survey that looks at sexual arousal on this website say they notice a physical change in their clitoris during sexual arousal, 7% do not, nearly 1 out of 10. Fifteen percent do not become aware of their vulva becoming engorged with blood, and 14% are not aware of a change in the temperature of their vulva during sexual arousal. Thirty-six percent report vaginal lubrication occurs some time after they are initially sexually aroused. This would indicate vaginal lubrication is not the first indicator of arousal for them, as they are aware of their arousal prior to being aware of increased vaginal lubrication. This data would seem to indicate the significant possibility of women not being aware of when they experience physical sexual arousal, at least initially. They may have to think about it, be prepared for it, and want to be, before they (can) acknowledge it. There may need to be a desire for desire.

Thirty-five percent of the women, 1 out of 3, indicate sexual arousal is more mental than physical.

There exists the possibility that some women subconsciously block out their sexual arousal. Their mind may only make them aware of their arousal when and if it is deemed appropriate. If a woman is not permitted to be sexual, to experience sexual desire, her mind may choose to fulfill that expectation of her. If your family expects you to wait until marriage to become sexual, with a partner, is it possible your mind will overlook sexual arousal outside that context? Perhaps on a subconscious level you don't want to be a sexual person, a woman who experiences sexual desire and arousal, frequently and uncontrollably; you want to remain in control. Perhaps you only experience sexual arousal with your partner because you believe it would be inappropriate at other times. Traditionally, women were expected to have sexual feelings for only one person, their husband, and their partner was the only one who could initiate sex. If you don't feel masturbation is truly appropriate for you, will you want to become sexually aroused while doing it? If you are motivated to masturbate for academic or logical reasons, will that overcome the psychological barriers that may exist? The brain is the largest and most complex sexual organ, and it controls how and if, we experience sexual desire and arousal.

Research studies have found women experience physical sexual arousal much more often than they indicate they do, or are aware of, when they are shown videos of an erotic nature. If a woman believes the erotic scenes she is shown should not be sexually arousing, will she be open to the possibility of her arousal? If a woman only permits herself to be exposed to erotica she feels is appropriate, does that guarantee her subsequent arousal? Not if the subject matter is not of a sexual nature in her psychological makeup. If she only views romantic imagines of kissing, will that guarantee her arousal? If her psychological makeup is such that scenes depicting taboo subjects will be the most arousing, will she ever experience this response, if she never permits herself to be exposed to those images? What if she only allows herself to have sexual thoughts about socially acceptable sexual activities, which in some societies is penile/vaginal intercourse, solely for the purposes of conception? What if her sexual partner is not chosen with sexual motives in mind? Does doing the right or expected guarantee sexual desire and arousal? If anything, doing the wrong and taboo results in the greatest sexual response, and perhaps the greatest confusion.

Factors that may influence a woman's perception of sexual arousal:

Biological:

Fatigue
Depression
Negative affects of medication
Reduced sex hormone activity
Less frequently: Hyperprolactinemia or Hypothyroidism

Psychological:

Distractions of daily living
Fear of negative outcome: dyspareunia or partner dysfunction (i.e. impotence or premature ejaculation)
Fear of pregnancy and STIs
Confirmation of infertility
Past negative experiences
Inexperience
Feelings of shame or embarrassment

Source: Assessment and Management of Women's Sexual Dysfunctions: Problematic Desire and Arousal Journal of Sexual Medicine Volume 2 Number 3 2005

If a woman cannot trust her mind to tell her when she is experiencing sexual arousal, how will she know if she is? If a woman looks at or reads erotic material and does not feel as though she is sexually aroused, how does she know for sure? If the pathways between the genitals, vagina, and mind are in someway impaired or block, another form of feedback must be found. She may then need to use her hands and eyes to make that determination.

As a side note, during partnered sex, a woman may not feel as though she is sexual aroused, but her partner could be aware of increased vaginal wetness and genital blood engorgement. (Her arousal could be a "reflex" response to physical stimulation.) The information her partner is receiving is that she is enjoying their efforts, and is very aroused, while she is feeling absolutely nothing. A woman's body may be sending two different messages, one to her partner and another to her brain, or her brain blocks out the information it receives from her body. This may be the reason behind some of the letters I receive from women, which mention how their partner continually does things that does not sexually arouse them, or that do not result in pleasure for them. Men are told that if a woman is wet, they must being doing something right, so keep doing it. In this situation, the woman becomes increasingly frustrated, while the guy is totally pleased with his affect on her.

Here is an exercise for you to try. Schedule some quiet time alone, when you will have a half hour or more of uninterrupted time to yourself. Collect some erotica of a visual and/or written nature. You can also sit in front of your computer and type "hot sex" into a search engine and expose yourself to random forms of erotica, perhaps sexual activities and ideas you would not voluntarily do otherwise. Wear as little clothing as possible, while still feeling comfortable, physically and mentally. Ensure your clothing allows easy access to your vulva and vagina. Dim the lights, relax, take several deep breaths, and do a mental check to see if you are relaxed. If you don't feel relaxed or aren't sure if you are, see the information on relaxing on the page for pre-orgasmic women.

Now cup your vulva and take a mental note of its temperature and wetness. Then slip your fingers between your inner and outer labia and note their temperature and wetness. Locate your clitoris, and do the same. Is it erect/firm or flaccid? Now slip or attempt to slip a finger into your vagina. Are you wet enough for this to happen? Your current menstrual state will likely influence the wetness and slipperiness of your vagina, when you are not sexually aroused. Do you feel sexually aroused? If you have a digital or infrared thermometer you might try measuring the temperature of your vulva and vagina; I don't know if this will actually work but it is worth a try.

Now spend fifteen minutes looking at or reading the erotica. Don't touch your vulva; use your hands to hold the erotica or to type on the keyboard, etc. After the fifteen minutes has passed, do you feel sexually aroused? Is your mind telling you that you have experienced vaginal lubrication, genital blood engorgement, and/or changes in your clitoris? Now examine your vulva and vagina, as described above, and see if your mental perception of your level of arousal and the physical indication of your arousal match?

If your level of physical arousal matches your perceived level of arousal, then in the given situation, there is no barrier to you knowing if you are sexually aroused. If you are sexually aroused and your mind and body have told you so, great, you are ready to move on. If you are not sexually aroused, time to try different forms or types of erotica. Get an erotic NC-17 or adult video and repeat the exercise. Pick random subjects rather than something you believe will arouse you. If you have been reading a romance novel you got at your local book store, get a collection of erotic stories, like one of Nancy Friday's books about sexual fantasies. If you would like to walk on the wild or forbidden side of things, acquire a book by Pat/rick Califia. If you believe you are totally heterosexual, get some lesbian porn, or visa versa. Keep repeating the exercise until you find erotica that sexually arouses you, or know for sure nothing works.

If your fingers tell you that you are sexually aroused but your mind is telling you that you aren't, then use your fingers to educated your mind to know what it feels like to be sexually aroused. When you are physically sexually aroused, explore your vulva and vagina with your fingers and note what they feel like to your fingers, and what it feels like when these aroused areas are touched. Now remove your fingers and visualize how your vulva feels. How does your vulva feel when your fingers are touching it compared to when they are not? Do you feel the wetness and blood engorgement when your fingers are removed? If not, use your fingers to determine the sensitivity of your vulva and clitoris. Compare their sensitivity to that of your arm, thighs, breasts, nipples, lips, etc. If your vulva and clitoris are more sensitive to touch than the other parts of your body, then work on educating your mind by doing the exercise repeatedly and frequently. You may need to learn how to experience sexual arousal, perhaps having learned to block the sensations at a young age.

If there is a lack of sensitivity, it is time to have your overall health checked, to look into the possible side affects of all the prescription and nonprescription medications and birth control you may be using, and that you are at an appropriate weight, rather than a desired weight. You may want to have your male and female sex hormone levels analyzed to see that they are at appropriate levels; there is no correlation between hormone levels and female sexual performance, such tests would only provide an indication of your overall health. You want to know if you are physically healthy, and not adversely affected by things you are putting into your body, or not putting into your body. The article about sexual dissatisfaction addresses many of the possible physical causes of decreased sexual ability. Also consider your mental health. Do school, job, partner, parents, life, bills, etc stress you out? If stress exists then you need to get rid of it, before you can continue to work on your sexual health.

In your letter you mention wanting to remain a virgin, and have limited your sexual activities and experiences as a result. If you have not engaged in intercourse to fulfill the expectations of others, you may want to find reasons that you yourself believe in and support. If you are permitting sexual activities only to keep your boyfriend happy, and to fulfill his wishes, you may need to consider your wants and needs first, because any conflict between your expectations of yourself, and the real you, may adversely affect your sexual pleasure. If you want to be a "good girl" but are being a "bad girl," it may be hard for you to enjoy being a bad girl. If you don't want to be sexual, but are sexual, that could be a problem.

The articles about Loosing Your Virginity and Locating the Vagina provide advice on preparing the vagina for intercourse, on how to stretch your hymen, and control, relax, and strengthen your pelvic muscles. Many young women find inserting fingers and objects into their vagina uncomfortable or painful. The discomfort or pain indicates your body is unhappy with what is happening to it, and it could be harmed in the process. Pain should never be ignored.

Suppressing your sexual feelings and wants for four or more years could be part of the problem. Goes back to the good girl/bad girl scenario. You may need to give yourself permission to be sexual and to enjoy sex, if you are truly ready to. If you truly feel you should not be having sex, then you shouldn't be.

Concerning your clitoris, you might try working some antibiotic ointment up under your clitoral hood a couple times a day, once in the morning and evening. This will help lubricate the tissues, and perhaps reduce the possible irritation. Then massage your clitoris, by grasping the shaft and glans with your fingertips. If your clitoris is too small to do this, slide a finger alone each side and gently squeeze your fingers together and then move them back and forth repeatedly. This isn't meant to arouse you, or to cause pleasure, only to stretch the tissues.

The appearance of your clitoris could simply be the result of a tightly fitting hood. You might try inserting a cotton swab (Q-Tip), lubricated with antibiotic ointment, under your hood while gently moving it in a circular motion, while gently pulling away from your body, stretching it. Be gentle and don't cause yourself pain. You will probably want to use a mirror to see what you are doing, and practice to get the movements right. With time the tissues of your hood may stretch and allow easier access to your clitoral glans. Continuing to do the stretching you have been doing may also help. A woman I know, who has a tiny clitoris, didn't enjoy oral sex until she and her partner discovered it was completely hidden under a tight hood, which they had to intentionally retract during oral sex; she later had her clitoral hood pierced vertically, which stretched the hood. You may need to hold your hood out of the way as he licks. Do it for a few minutes at a time to begin with, so you don't get sore or frustrated.

Your clitoris should be attached to your inner labia, the point at which they meet is called the frenum, which is simply the medical name for this attachment; your tongue has a frenum too. This is mentioned on the article about the anatomy of the vulva, and the article about locating the clitoris.

I am under the impression they routinely give gynecological exams to women eighteen and older, even if they are a virgin. I know a friend's roommate is a virgin, and she gets gynecological exams, and they insert a speculum into her vagina. Some gynecologists seem to overlook or don't consider a woman's possible virginity during exams. You may need to find another doctor and/or explain your concerns. While a PAP smear is recommended for women over eighteen, you can simply request they examine your vulva and clitoris.

Many women find they need a vibrator to experience orgasm, or they help them to learn how to experience orgasm. It is far better to try one than be frustrated. The Pocket Rocket would be a good choice, as they are small and powerful. The fingertip vibrators have a good buzz, but aren't as powerful. The best one would be the Hitachi Magic Wand, but they are much more expensive, but would last you many years. With the Hitachi you would want to cover your vulva with a small folded towel to dampen the vibrations. It may be too powerful, or you may not want to become accustomed to such strong stimulation in the beginning. You are perhaps at the point of needing or requiring a vibrator.

Finding and stimulating your G-Spot is an option, but you may need to work on inserting larger objects into your vagina first. You can try using a single finger to massage the front wall of your vagina to see what happens. It helps to be aroused beforehand, as inserting your finger into your vagina when you aren't aroused may only be as pleasurable as inserting a tampon. The feeling of a need to urinate when your boyfriend stimulates your vagina is normal and common.

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