Female Sexual Nervous System Part 4 - Overcoming Challenges: The Sexual Communication Network

Back to Part 1 - Nerves & Erogenous Zones
Back to Part 2 - Orgasmic Pathways
Back to Part 3 - Stimulation and Sensations

Plan B

Popular public and medical opinion is that the secret to sexual pleasure for women is the stimulation of their clitoris. Find their clitoris, stimulate it for a few minutes, orgasm occurs, she is sexually satisfied, she lives happily ever after, end of story. While this may be true for some women it isn't true for all. There are women who don't have a clitoris, as a result of its surgical removal (because of vulvar cancer or intersexuality) or female genital mutilation (FGM), others have a clitoris that is insensitive to stimulation, as a result pelvic trauma or surgery, clitoral adhesions, a large clitoral hood, or unknown reasons, and others with spinal cord injuries (SCI), multiple sclerosis (MS), and other disabilities have nerve damage that results in their clitoris being disconnected from their brain and/or spinal cord. Depending on the segment of the world population you are referring to, up to 95 percent of women do not have a clitoris that can or does play a role in their sexual pleasure, and as a result their sexual fulfillment. Do we simply cast these women aside as "abnormal" or offer/accept other possibilities?

What does a woman do when Plan A, their clitoris, simply doesn't work or isn't an option? The first thing that must be done is acknowledge this situation exists, not live in denial of it, accepting only Plan A. The second is to move on from this point. Don't let this reality be a disability. The third is acknowledge the brain is the largest and most complex sexual organ. If the body is 100 percent functional but the brain isn't, this has the potential for being a greater problem than if the body isn't 100 percent functional, as the brain adapts very well to changes in the body. The fourth is to forget everything you know or think you know about your body and sexuality, and that of every other woman, as you are a unique individual for which an owner's manual doesn't exist, yet. If you try to follow someone else's owners manual you will be misled. If your brain believes in someone else's owners manual it will mislead you. The final thing you must do is explore, discover, and accept your sexuality as it is, rather than as you and others expect it to be. To sum it up, don't try to be "normal."

The Brain

While the brain is a woman's largest and most complex sexual organ it is also the least understood and predictable. Not only are there physical and chemical differences amongst a group of women but also a unique set of experiences for each woman that programs her to respond to sensory stimulation in a unique way. (Society loves to assigned everyone to a checkbox but the real world isn't so neat and organized.) The brain ultimately determines whether sensory stimulation is defined as sexual, despite any reflex sexual response the body may experience. In many societies girls and women are desexualized from birth onwards, mentally and in some cases physically. Add in learned social and peer expectation and it becomes challenging for women to be sexual and to have a sexual mind let alone body. Women who are openly sexual and experience a lot of sexual pleasure often find it hard to be immune to social mores, and while their sexuality may not suffer directly their life in general may, as a result of being marginalized for being "too sexual." It is for these reasons that the brain more than the body posses a barrier to sexual pleasure, happiness, and fulfillment. Pleasure, happiness, and fulfillment are all mental perceptions, which means they don't have physical properties that can be measured. You can value a memory but you cannot sell it, at least not with today's technology.

When the body does not work as the brain expects a woman is likely to feel impaired, disabled, and perhaps abnormal. Then wonderful things like low self esteem prevent the mind from taking advantage of the able body. When a woman knows or believes her body will not function as desired then performance anxiety becomes a possibility. The extremely common experience of "not fitting in" with your peers is enough to put up a road block to sexual pleasure for many women, as they try to be someone they aren't. This is especially true for teens who are trying to figure out their sexual identity while at the same time be liked and accepted by their peers. The same is true for women with disabilities who may feel they have less ability and/or value than their peers. This creates a mental barrier to sexual pleasure and happiness that makes physical ability irrelevant. The primary sexual dysfunction has nothing to do with their body, but rather with their mind; the body becomes the secondary dysfunction. Treating only the body, or exploring only the body, may result in frustration rather than answers. Unfortunately, treating the mind is beyond the scope of this article.

Finding Answers

So what is a woman to do if her sexual nervous system doesn't work as expected, or at least not how society expects it to work? The answer to this question depends on the individual woman. There is no quick and easy answer, sorry to say. We know extremely little about female sexuality, and as a result we do not know all the answers. Very little has been researched and documented about female sexuality. Looking in published articles and books may lead you to believe the answers doesn't exist, when in fact the question has never been asked. This is why the answers most often come from within. I can only provide suggestions that apply to women in general, not detailed advice that applies to an individual woman.

Discover You are Not Alone

First acknowledge you are not alone in your experience. Despite what society and the media may lead you to believe there are many women who share a similar experience. Read through this website and others to find a connection with others like yourself; the internet has connected a lot of people who thought they were alone in their experience. They don't have to be exactly like you, and probably wont, only sharing some common characteristic that unites and defines you. Knowing you are not alone or all that unique will probably reduce the anxiety and isolation you may experience. Knowing that Plan A, or B or C, also doesn't work for others will help you feel better about yourself. It may be nice to know you aren't so "weird" after all.

We tend to marginalize the minority of any population, which leaves a lot of people feeling left out and perhaps discarded. This often happens with scientific research and studies, which often only look at the majority or common experience. We generally don't want to be a part of the 10 percent of any given group of people who is unlike the other 90 percent. We may feel even more isolated if we represent 1 percent or less of a given population. Something to keep in mind is that if there are 3 billion women on this planet then 1 percent of them still amounts to 30,000,000 women, which is hardly a small number. When you acknowledge this you may feel less alone in your experience, even if you cannot walk up to and shake hands with those sharing a common experience.

Look to Yourself for Answers

Once you have found kindred spirits do the exact opposite and pretend you are the only person in the world. Even if you find many women who are like you it is unlikely you will find another who is "exactly" like you in every respect, even if you have an identical twin. Doing this means there is no one to compare yourself to, or more importantly, who can judge you. There is no right or wrong. You are who you are. What works works, what doesn't doesn't, end of story. If you are "Z" the worst thing you can try to be is "A." This eliminates restrictions and allows you to explore all possibilities. You don't want to be in a situation where you are saying to yourself, "This works for them so it must work for me!"

When you have a partner, sexual or otherwise, they may have some expectations of you that will present a barrier to you being your true self. They may have their own idea of an appropriate owner's manual, and wont be open to helping you discover your own. This can present a major obstacle in any relationship, as we all bring expectations into a relationship and we really don't "know" another person upon first meeting; even if it is love at first sight. It is hard to be yourself when you are trying to be what others want. This is why women who are pre-orgasmic are told not to engage in sexual activities with their partner while learning to masturbate to orgasm, as their partner brings their own needs and believes into the equation, making it much more complex and ultimately distracts from their own needs. If someone truly loves you, not their expectations of you, and/or cares for you then they will be supportive of your needs and the means of fulfilling them. In some cases they cannot accept the real you, and that does not make them or you a bad person. In some instances a woman's greatest barrier to finding sexual happiness will be her partner, friends, doctors, and/or family. For some they will need to strike out on their own and discover a whole new life before they can find the sexual answers they seek. Each woman must decide for herself if her sexual needs, as a part of her overall happiness and fulfillment, warrant such drastic actions. In some cases it is the only answer.

Acknowledge Who You Are

Acknowledge and accept your experience rather than fighting it, as doing so will not change it. Acknowledge that being different doesn't automatically make you broken, only different from some other individual. If being different means you are broken then everyone of us is broken in one way or another! Acknowledge that being 100 percent physically and mentally able, as defined by society, and/or orgasmic does not automatically lead to life long happiness and fulfillment. Being envious of your coworker or best friend because of their experiences, real or imagined, will not benefit you or provide you with answers. You must accept who you are before you can understand yourself and benefit from yourself. I will not pretend that getting to know yourself will be a quick and simply process, or that we can fully understand ourselves. Sometimes you have to accept things at face value. Other times we simply need to acknowledge we don't know all the answers.

When Orgasm Becomes
a Barrier to Pleasure

Modern American society, and others, places a high value on female orgasm. We love to measure and count orgasms. This creates a barrier to orgasm and female sexual pleasure and fulfillment. We are trying to assign a value to a mental perception that may or may not have measurable physical attributes to go along with it. After an orgasm is experienced what is left to measure, a memory. How do we measure a memory? We are trying to take an intangible and make it tangible. As long as orgasms are counted and measured by a society then women are deprived of their full benefit and reward. If after her orgasm she wonders if it is was as strong as that of her peers, and the women in the media, can she possibly fully enjoy the experience? This subject is also addressed in the article titled, Orgasm: Did She? If the clitoris is Plan A, which must be discarded for Plan B, then Plan B is using orgasm as a measurement tool, which must be discarded for Plan C. If you believe orgasms, more orgasms, or stronger orgasms will lead to personal fulfillment then this believe may prevent orgasm from having a positive role in your happiness.

I do not wish to diminish the possible importance of orgasm in the life of the "individual." In a survey on this website 48% of women report they experience physical discomfort when they experience a high level of sexual arousal without orgasm occurring. These women experience the female equivalent of "blue balls." This discomfort is likely caused by the remaining blood engorgement and muscular tension, which take much longer to return to normal when orgasm isn't experienced. Sustained sexual arousal, which is not a normal resting state for the body, probably isn't healthy; and is called Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder. Any imbalance within the body is detrimental in some way, even if it only causes emotional distress without any physical symptoms, at least initially. Each woman must determine if orgasm is a necessity for her, the context in which it is of importance, and the degree of importance. Don't look to your peers or the media to find the answer to these questions, as you can only look to yourself.

Pleasure Must Come First, and Be Valued

Any girl, teenager, or woman who learns about the concept of orgasm prior to experiencing orgasm is likely impaired by that knowledge. This knowledge may result in a purpose or goal to her "sexual" activities, as she may want to experience orgasm to know what it is like, and perhaps to be like others. If this is true, she may not value the pleasure that leads up to orgasm. Prior to knowing about orgasm a girl or woman may engage in an activity simply because if feels good, having no concept of sex, masturbation, or orgasm. The pleasure is what she values, and benefits from. If orgasm occurs it is a surprise and a special experience that is her's alone. If she doesn't know others experience the same it is of even greater personal significance, she feels special, unique; hopefully in a positive way. She may now seek out that special pleasure because it feels really good, but deprives herself of the simple pleasures of physical sexual pleasure and arousal.

Once a girl or woman knows how to experience orgasm that knowledge may become a barrier to pleasure, at least sustained or non-orgasmic pleasure. Prior to experiencing her first orgasm a girl or woman may have spent hours exploring or enjoying the pleasures of a given physical or mental activity. The pleasure, not a big bang or release, was the motive and reward. Once orgasm becomes the goal the amount of overall physical pleasure may decrease; if you look at the level of pleasure and the length of time it occurs. In our fast paced lives we may not be allowed the simple indulgence of extended pleasure, and women often times are not allowed to be so selfish. When a couple crawls into bed after a long day with barely enough energy to fall asleep, orgasm may serve as means of bringing the sexual experience to a timely end, but little "pleasure" may result from the activity for either; and one wonders why couples may prefer to masturbate alone rather than engage in sex together. There is certainly value in a quick orgasm, as when you need to fall asleep or relief menstrual cramps, but orgasms can be over valued by an individual and society.

The pleasure we define as "sexual" that leads up to orgasm is necessary for that orgasm to occur. Without the associated build up of muscular tension, "myotonia" or "neuromuscular tension," and psychological arousal associated with orgasm, orgasm becomes an impossibility. This is why "sexual pleasure" is so important to the whole sexual experience, even if orgasm is not desired and/or experienced. It is also why a woman must first seek out physically pleasurable activities that result in physical and mental sexual arousal, and more importantly value it equally, if not more, than the pleasure associated with orgasm. Many women cannot experience orgasm because they don't value the sexual pleasure and see it only as a means of experiencing orgasm, which then creates a barrier to orgasm. If you are thinking about a hoped for orgasm you are not enjoying the pleasure that must come before it.

Note: Women or couples who believe a man must have an erection for she or he to experience sexual pleasure when engaging in partnered sex will find it more difficult to experience mutual pleasure and happiness.

Discover and Explore
All Your Erogenous Zones

In the first table shown in part one of this article, possible erogenous zones are listed. This table should be used only as a general guide rather than a concrete definition or blueprint of a woman's possible and acceptable erogenous zones. Since the entire surface of the body is a potential erogenous zone there is an almost unlimited number of them. It is inappropriate to define or limit their number, as some short lists may unintentionally do.

Both tables in part one reveal the possibility that some internal areas of the female body may be erogenous zones. The vagina is assumed to be a major erogenous zone, but is ranked fifth, but all other internal organs are usually assumed to be insensitive to sexual stimulation; being sensitive to only pain and pressure, if at all. This is certainly one situation where we must "think outside the box." When one considers the fact that the line between pain and pleasure is very narrow, and the uniqueness of the nervous system of the individual woman, we may quickly discover other possibilities*.

After the clitoris the next three most common erogenous zones are reported to be the mouth, neck, and nipples, which aren't located anywhere near a woman's "sexual" or pelvic organs. This is important to note, as many women with spinal cord injuries and other disabilities are not sensitive to touch in the area of their genitals. We shouldn't be surprised then to learn these three areas often become primary erogenous zones for women with spinal cord injuries. The nipples and breasts are assumed to be major erogenous zones for women, because of the sexual role society has assigned them, and unfortunately women experience unnecessary anxiety when they aren't. While the breasts are frequently an erogenous zone, less than 1 percent of women experience orgasm when only their breasts/nipples are stimulated, but it is important to note there is that possibility. The neck may be a potential erogenous zone because of how vital it is to our survival, and as a result must be protected from injury by being very sensitive to touch. As a result, many women find their neck highly sensitive to sexual touch and some experience intense pleasure and/or orgasm when this area is stimulated; that percentage is unknown to me. The sensitivity of an erogenous zone varies from individual to individual, and as a result its erotic and sexual potential.

While not an erogenous zone listed above, some women enjoy having their feet massaged and their toes orally stimulated, and this fact could be over looked simply because of social expectation and morality. If a greater number of couples explored this possible erogenous zone is it possible for more women to find it is one? Is the same possibly true for the anus? This demonstrates how a society can influence a woman's sexual possibilities and present a barrier to her sexual pleasure, by limiting socially acceptable options. Do your best not to allow social believes to limit your sexual potential.

The context in which an area of the body is stimulated may determine whether it is an erogenous zone. If a woman isn't in the appropriate state of mind, i.e. "mood," stimulating her clitoris may be no more pleasurable than stimulating her arm. For this reason it is necessary for a woman's mind to be in a sexual frame of mind when you explore her body for erogenous zones. A woman's mind may enter a sexual state as a result of hormonal changes in her body or stimulation of one or more of her five senses. This state of mind is very much subjective, and one in which a woman simply knows she is or isn't. Getting the brain in the mood for sex is addressed in the articles about sexual desire and fantasy, and in a Q&A. A total absence of this "sexual state of mind" could be an indication of Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD). Women who never experience sexual desire may not have the mental capacity for erogenous zones, as her brain may not be open to the possibility, or process the stimulation in the appropriate context.

The manner in which an area of the body is stimulated may also determine whether it is an erogenous zone. Too much pressure may produce pain while a light touch could tickle, with neither sensation being necessarily sexually stimulating for a woman. Finding an appropriate middle ground could be challenging and frustrating. For some women firm and not so gentle stimulation of their nipples does the trick, and a firm spanking of the buttocks gets the blood flowing to the vulva of others. Oral stimulation of the nipples may be pleasurable but oral stimulation of the clitoris boring, and visa versa. Gently raking your teeth across her nipple may be enjoyable for her but doing the same to her clitoral glans could result in physical injury to you. Sometimes, women respond more to stimulation of their body through their clothing rather than on their bare skin, so don't be so quick to undress and don't be afraid to dress for sex. Some areas require a generous amount of lubrication be present before sexual pleasure is a possibility. Some areas may need to be stimulated by coarse wool, soft fur, or frigid ice cubes. Others areas may be sensitive to vibration, and not all vibrators are created equal. Women and couples who assume beforehand that a single type of stimulation, say gentle caresses with the hands, is appropriate and only that will or should work will find themselves fighting a needless battle. If anything, you need to explore the use of every item in every room of your home on every part of your or her body to see if it will provide some degree of sexual pleasure. This subject is addressed in more detail in Part 2 of this article.

Plan C

So what is Plan C? Plan C is whatever you discover it to be. It isn't written in stone. You must author your own unique Plan C. You may be able to include portions of other's Plan C, but as a whole it will be yours alone. You must determine who you are and what makes you happy. What makes you happy may have nothing to do with sex, or have everything to do with sex. There is no right or wrong answer.

Notes:

* While we may not have a favorable opinion of them, those in the Dominance and Submission (BDSM) and Sadism and Masochism (S&M) communities may have simply acknowledged that Plan A and B don't work for them and have discovered or are exploring other options. Many of their activities utilize the mind more than the body.