The-Clitoris.com - Female Sexual Orientation - There are no clear and simple rules, Part 2

What Do Sexual Fantasies Mean?

I receive email from teens and women who are confused by and concerned about the subject of their sexual fantasies. To their dismay their most arousing sexual fantasies involve sexual activities with other girls or women. Their fantasies appear to be inconsistent with their sexual orientation. What does this mean they want to know? Are they bisexual, a lesbian, confused, or simply weird?

There are shared masturbation experiences in which women acknowledge the weight that was lifted off their shoulders when they learned other "heterosexual" women also fantasized about sex with women during masturbation. There is comfort in knowing they aren't alone in their experience. If others with the same fantasies identify as heterosexual it must be okay for them to do the same, and their heterosexuality is no longer in question.

What do these sexual fantasies mean? Do they provide a clear or even murky indication of our sexual orientation? If you know you are a lesbian or bisexual woman they may have some significance, but they are not in of themselves an uncompromising indication of your sexual orientation. This is demonstrated in part by the fact that some women who identify as lesbians have sexual fantasies involving men. Sexual fantasies indicate nothing more than what our brain considers to be sexually arousing at the time and in the given context. They don't appear to be representative of our sexual orientation.

They may be indicative of your society, what your society considers to be of a sexual or erotic nature. In many societies we are raised to idealize the female body, just look at the covers of magazines and advertising on television. This is perhaps why the female participants in a survey on this website indicated slightly more of them have been sexually aroused by images of nude women than nude men; indicating our response to erotica may not correspond to our sexual orientation either. Add to this is the fact that the taboo, also socially controlled, is almost always the most exciting and arousing. Thoughts about the taboo get our hormones and emotions in high gear; our physical response to sex and fear are very similar. The very fact that it is something you could or would never do in reality is what makes it so exciting. It is less fanciful if we could actually do it. What we find erotic is more the result of socialization than sexual orientation.

Our thoughts are perhaps the least reliable indicator of our sexual orientation, as there are so many things that influence them. All the information provided by our five senses and the chemicals within our bodies, naturally or otherwise, influence our thoughts, as do our past experiences, real and imagined. Just look at the bizarre nonsexual dreams we experience if you want some indication of how unpredictable our sexual thoughts can be.

Does Sexual Orientation Control Our Actions or Does Morality?

An individual's self-assigned or prescribed sexual orientation may influence how they justify prior experiences. "We only kissed," "I only thought about it," "She sucked on my nipple but I didn't suck on hers','" "It happened only once," "We were drunk," "We were just girls/teens, it meant nothing," "I was only curious," "He is gay so it doesn't really count," etc. What they permit themselves to experience in the future becomes a function of their self-assigned or prescribed sexual orientation. "I would like to touch her breasts to know what they feel like but I can't because I am straight," "I wonder what her vulva looks, smells, and tastes like but I cannot find out because I am straight," "I cannot permit myself to think about such things, I am straight," "I am a butch lesbian. I cannot permit myself to be friends with this man because his presence sexually arouses me," etc. Our sexual orientation does not prevent experiences and thoughts that are inconsistent with it. It also does not control our curiosity, reflect our emotional needs, or control our sexual responses. If our sexual orientation is restricting our thoughts and actions rather than determining them does it or social morality control us?

Sexual Desire's Influence

A teen or woman's sexual orientation is clouded by the fact that sexual desire is frequently not something they are permitted to experience and acknowledge. If you aren't permitted to experience sexual desire how can you be motivated to seek out anyone as a sexual partner? If you are not motivated in some direction how can you have an orientation? Aren't you then like a compass spinning aimlessly, unable to find direction? On a conscious level, research has shown sexual desire is not a significant motivator that results in women participating in partnered sex. Can sexual orientation then be a significant factor in women's sexual choices?

Social Expectation's Influence

Traditionally speaking, you must have children to receive social acceptance so you marry a man, a biological necessity, and you complacently fulfill his sexual needs. By default you are heterosexual. A few years down the road you may realize you are unfulfilled by this scenario and get a divorce, if this is permitted. Today, the social expectation is that you have a career, marry a man, have children, and are sexually demanding and fulfilled while you also fulfill your partner's sexual needs. All these demands may confuse you, wear you down, and you are driven to escape, to leave it all behind. Since you were unfulfilled by this heterosexual scenario you may suddenly awaken to the realization that you are a lesbian; it is now a socially accepted scenario, at least more so than twenty years ago. At what point did a woman's sexual orientation truly provide direction and control her choices in these scenarios? If your life path is strictly controlled by your community is your sexual orientation a determining factor in your life? Of course your clandestine sexual activities may be indicative of your true sexual orientation, and sexual and emotional needs.

It seems possible that social expectation guides and restricts what women do sexually to a greater extent than sexual desire or orientation. This may be relevant to the fact that women usually judge their self-worth based on how others see them, how they seek approval from others. They seldom permit themselves to be motivated by selfish wants and needs. This juxtapose position leads to confusion and anxiety. It also brings into question whether their sexual orientation is a motivating factor in their life.

Does a Society Influence Orientation?

In the survey data presented above 80 percent of the participants report having had male sexual partners and 34 percent female sexual partners. In Margaret Mead's study of adolescent girls living on an island in Samoa in 1926 she states 48 percent (12 out of 25) reported heterosexual experiences and 68 percent (17 out of 25) reported homosexual experiences. Twenty-four percent (6 out of 25) had not experienced sex with any gender. While the surveys apply to two different age ranges, a larger range would account for more experiences rather than less. Twice as many Samoan girls reported sexual experiences with other females than have the participants in the survey on this website. Seventy percent of the participants in our survey live in the USA so the expressed experiences more accurately represent girls and women in the USA than elsewhere in the world. Samoan families lived in shelters without interior walls and as a result of sexual morality children witnessed adults engaging in sex at night, it was a natural part of life for them. Boys and girls were segregated by prescribed daily activities, much as they once were in the USA. Opportunity would influence who the girls may explore sex with. Though when so many have engaged in the activity it seems likely there was some social acceptance of it, as there wasn't a lot of privacy that would permit the hiding of these activities. In the USA there are no widely accepted sexual activities for adolescent girls to participate in, but in Samoa sexual activities with the same sex may have been accepted; social status appears to have influenced whether sexual interaction with boys was permitted, those with higher social ranking having less opportunity. Opportunity and sexual morality likely influence sexual experience and orientation.

Emotional Comfort's Influence

Is it possible for sexual orientation to be dictated by emotional comfort? Since early childhood you have always been uncomfortable with men so you must be a lesbian right? Even prior to puberty, before a hormonal sex drive became a factor, you were drawn to girls and women. You distanced yourself from the male sex. Since the only persons you permit yourself to be close to and intimate with are female isn't sexual orientation removed from the equation? Are your sexual feelings going to be directed at individuals who make you feel uncomfortable? Are you going to be open to sexual feelings for men or simply dismiss them? Wouldn't women become the focus of your sexual desire by default? Have your options been limited by your comfort zone rather than your sexual orientation? What happens when a male enters your comfort zone? You can change this scenario to reflect the experience of a woman who as a girl and teen interacts only with men but suddenly finds a woman within her comfort zone.

Does Curiosity Reflect or Influence Sexual Orientation?

Nonsexual curiosity may result in a sexual response because of social definitions of what is sexual. The female body is idealized as a sexual symbol, specifically the breasts and vulva. There is a sexual context to them no matter the situation; look at breast-feeding for example. Academic curiosity about how another woman's breasts and vulva look, feel, taste, and smell may result in sexual arousal when you think of fulfilling this curiosity, because of the innate sexual context. Your initial motive wasn't sexual but it became sexual in nature. It is taboo, forbidden, which of course makes it even more arousing. Is this experience a reliable indication of sexual orientation?

Once you learn these thoughts will result in sexual arousal and enhance your orgasms is it possible you may intentionally initiate them? They become the means by which you experience sexual pleasure. Is it possible for these sexual experiences to cause you to see other women in a sexual context and for you to find them sexually desirable? Will this influence your perceived sexual orientation? If you are physically attracted to males will these thoughts cause confusion about your sexual orientation?

A young teen wrote to me wanting to know if her prior experiences influenced her current attraction for boys and girls. As a young girl she experimented with a wide range of sexual activities with her sister. If these activities resulted in her experiencing pleasure might not she be motivated to experience them again later on, regardless of her sexual orientation? What influence does experience have on our sexual orientation?

Intimacy's Influence on Sexual Experience

If a woman needs to be intimate with and trusting of another person before she permits herself to experience sexual desire and/or arousal for them how does this influence her sexual experiences? What happens when all her close friends are female? What if she goes to an all girl school? If you are a lesbian but your most trusted friends are male is it possible they may become the object of your sexual fantasies and desires? If as a child you were physically, emotionally, or sexually abused by men/boys will your inability to trust men influence your sexual orientation and desire? Does this mean you are a lesbian as a result of innate sexual orientation or circumstance? What if you later learn to trust a man? If you are a lesbian who lives within a small population and cannot find a female partner will you always go without, or possibly have a male partner? The available means of fulfilling our needs influences who our sexual partners are to some degree, but this may result in confusion and anxiety if our chosen or assigned sexual orientation would normally preclude them. Does the means of fulfilling our non-sexual needs indicate our sexual orientation? If we do not acknowledge or allow sexual needs to motivate us what influence does that have on our sexual activities and orientation?

A Chosen Orientation?

Is it possible for an individual to choose their sexual orientation? This is a controversial subject, as it implies that if you can choose your sexual orientation then you can choose not to be homosexual. Some believe this to be true, that you can choose to be "normal." Are all lesbians lesbians by choice, no. Are there women who are lesbians by choice, I believe so. Based on some accounts I have read there are women who have a very romantic and utopist image of what a lesbian is; that lesbians have a better life than heterosexuals. Others believe it is cool, unique, rebellious, or radical. Really want to break from society, become a lesbian. For some it is a logical decision, to them women are more attractive physically, aesthetically not sexually, which could be a real problem when it comes to sex. Don't want to have "sex," become a lesbian, lesbians can't have "sex," i.e. engage in intercourse.

Back in the 1970s, in the midst of the sexual revolution, there were a few groups of women who said no modern emancipated woman would allow a man to insert a penis into her vagina, an act they saw as an indication of a woman's submission to men. Wouldn't some women choose to be a lesbian rather than being seen by her peers as less then them, to be accepted within her chosen peer group, to be apart of the woman's movement, and to demonstrate her freedom? I believe they did, but secretly they still fantasized about and engaged in sex with men, or even more taboo at the time, engaged in vaginal penetration with their female partner.

If you chose the wrong sexual orientation would you be unhappy? Probably not, as a person of any gender can potentially fulfill your emotional and sexual needs. Anatomy doesn't dictate the sexual activities we engage in, as we can always improvise when necessary. Love and intimacy are not gender dependent. If women are motivated by emotional needs rather than sexual desire isn't it possible for a woman to fulfill those needs just as easily as a man? Some may claim better, as men are stereotyped as unemotional. If you don't engage in sexual activities together you are simply close friends of the same sex who live together, i.e. roommates. There are probably a lot of heterosexual, bisexual, and lesbian "roommates" out there.

Unless we have an aversion to a particular gender or the idea of sex with them there probably isn't a reason why we couldn't choose our sexual orientation. We may sexually desire or fantasize about another gender but we may be very happy with our current partner. We may sacrifice our sexual needs, a socially accepted ideal, especially for women, to fulfill our emotional needs and social obligation.

Sexual Aversion Does Not Indicate Sexual Orientation

If you are a woman and the idea of performing oral sex on another woman grosses you out does this indicate you must be heterosexual? Is this not more an indication of your feelings about your own genitals, or the female genitals in general, than the physical act? Aren't there heterosexual women who have an aversion to performing oral sex on their male partner? Does this mean they are truly a lesbian? Why would we naturally have an aversion to a physical activity with the same sex? If this was true wouldn't the majority of female gynecologists have to be lesbians? If we have no aversion to kissing a woman's lips why should we feel differently about kissing her vulva? Do young children have this aversion? Sexual aversion does not dictate our sexual orientation, as it is most likely a learned response, an indication of social morality and believe.

Labels Limit

The problem with accepting a label is that it usually defines and limits your options. Others have certain expectations of you and you of yourself. Your assigned or chosen sexual orientation will likely influence or control who your friends and lovers are, what you do, where you go, where you eat and dance, etc. Who you may sexually desire and participate in sex with becomes predetermined, as does who you may love and be loved by. Which is fine until the day you desire or love someone outside the limits of your sexual orientation.

My recommendation is not to accept a label. Don't volunteer to be any of the above. It is okay to be unsure, to leave doubt in the minds of others. If and when you are asked about your sexual orientation answer in terms of who your current partner is; "I currently have a boyfriend or male partner," "I currently have a girlfriend or female partner," "My current partner is intersexed," "I presently have male and female partners," or "I presently don't desire a partner, others things are more important to me right now." If they try to apply a label then say, "No, I didn't say that." You don't need their approval, you only need to make them aware of who you are. It is their choice whether they accept you. Your actions rather than a label should determine what they think of you. If they don't approve of your actions the label ultimately becomes irrelevant anyway. Ideally they shouldn't ask the question, as it should not matter to them who you have sex with, unless they are wanting to set you up a date or date you themselves.

Be Flexible!

Those who face the greatest potential for anxiety are those who are militant about their chosen or perceived sexual orientation. "I'm an X, no doubt about it!" Okay what happens to that person when they have that fantasy about the wrong gender? When they confuse someone on the street for the wrong gender and experience sexual arousal? When they fall in love with the wrong gender? This will never happen you say? Well, at least 25 percent of the women in the survey results presented above have experienced a change in their sexual orientation, 1 out of 4. How much are you willing to stake on your current sexual orientation? Is it worth the potential anxiety or should you allow yourself a little flexibility? It could be your own little secret, but this will potentially save you from unnecessary emotional pain in the future.

Are You as Heterosexual or Homosexual as You Believe?

An accurate test of our sexual orientation is perhaps this scenario: You are tied to a bed while naked and blindfolded. You are told your sexual partner, actual or fantasized, is going to give you oral pleasure, but in reality it is a person of the opposite gender, of your desired partner. Will you know and will this affect your pleasure? I tend to doubt it. What if they use perfume or cologne to confuse your olfactory perception? They may be good or bad at giving oral pleasure but you wont know the actual gender of that person unless you are told. Is sexual orientation more than a state of mind?

Clear Indications?

Are there clear indications of your current sexual orientation? If you are physically attracted to one gender, sexually and aesthetically, their physical presence sexually arouses you, you are drawn towards them, physical sex with them fulfills you emotionally and sexually, and you fantasize only about that gender then you are presently either heterosexual or homosexual. In addition to these conditions you don't have sex with another gender because of a lack of interest and motivation, but acknowledge and are comfortable with the physical possibility. As soon as one of these variables includes another gender or an aversion to one gender then your sexual orientation may be open for debate. Finding someone physically attractive without an associated sexual response likely indicates socially prescribed definitions of beauty, not true sexual attraction. Finding him or her pretty or handsome doesn't mean anything in a sexual context. If the above variables apply equally or to varying degrees to all genders then you are perhaps bisexual.

Sexual Orientation: A Conclusion

How do you know your true sexual orientation? When you are engaged in a sexual activity with another person their gender defines your sexual orientation at that very moment and nothing more. Your past sexual partners define your sexual orientation in the past. Your current and past sexual orientations do not necessarily reflect or control who you will be sexual with in the future. Having a mad crush on a man today doesn't mean you wont have one for a woman tomorrow, next week, or next year. Today you may be heterosexual, tomorrow homosexual or bisexual. The gender that turns you off one moment may arouse you the next. Sexual orientation is more a description of who we have been rather than a definition of who we will be.