Sexual desire is quite simply the force or motivation that compels us to reproduce, to have sex. It is no different than the desire to eat and sleep. We need to eat and sleep to survive as individuals, and reproduce to exist as a species. It is a primary urge that significantly influences our lives, because it is essential to our survival. It often controls us more than we control it. While we may try to suppress our sexuality, our sexual desire and energy will be expressed in one form or another. Since we now have the means of avoiding conception, our sexual desire often becomes a desire for sexual pleasure and physical intimacy.
While sexual desire may have a biological or physical basis, it often becomes a mental perception in adulthood. Sexual desire is what we perceive it to be. Male sexual desire is usually seen as good and beneficial while female sexual desire is often seen as bad and harmful. A man's desire is often expressed in the form of an erection that is impossible to overlook and is undoubtedly sexual, as defined and accepted by society. The erect penis has been openly worshipped in many cultures. A woman can stand naked before you and experience sexual desire, arousal, and orgasm and you may not know or perceive that she has. The woman herself may not know, since this has often been society's expectation. Societies have often worshipped nonsexual women, virgins and virginal mothers. Religions frequently label sexual women as sinners and witches. How a woman perceives her desire is then determined and controlled by the society she lives in, if she seeks acceptance within that society. There have always been those who defied society at the cost of being called "sluts" and "whores."
Knowing this, a woman, and those around her, may define her sexual desire as something else or deny it all together. In the past, and to varying degrees today, we said a teenage girl or woman was either "in love" or "out of control" when she expressed sexual desire. If she married and had children she was in love. If she had casual sex, multiple partners, female partners, or did not marry she was out of control. Her sexual energy was seen as a sign of rebellion. This forced women to deny and suppress their sexual desire and identity if they wanted to be accepted by their peers. "Good girls" simply were not sexual.
In today's society, we frequently expect women to be sexual and orgasmic while still remaining virginal. Many if not most men have been taught they should not want a "sexual wife." Their mother has set the example by which their wife must live. The mother they know is asexual and would never be desirous of sex, and she openly rejects any woman who is sexual; daughters learn from the same role model. A man may brag about the sexual skills of his "girlfriend," but will become openly angry if anyone should suggest his "wife" does anything of a sexual nature. A girlfriend can be a "slut" but a wife must be a "virgin." Men often do not want to bring a woman who is known to be sexual home to meet their mother. A "sexual girlfriend" often has to transform herself into an "asexual mother" on crossing the threshold of marriage or motherhood. Female sexual desire must always be controlled and expressed at "appropriate times" and in "appropriate ways."
We simply do not acknowledge our adolescent daughters, including those who have not reached their teen years, may experience sexual desire. The presence of pubic hair indicates androgen levels are on the rise; breast development indicates estrogen levels are increasing. We usually expect them to be innocent and pure, devoid of sexuality. We deny their sexual desire and simply say they have a "crush," are experiencing "first love," or again, are out of control. This leads to confusion and harm because they are not permitted to acknowledge the true nature of their feelings. We certainly make no effort to help them understand what is happening, or provide them with a constructive outlet for their sexual energy, i.e. masturbation. Instead, we send them in search of "love." Love then becomes a hazardous undertaking.
To better understand sexual desire, lets examine the sexuality of a preadolescent girl and a post-adolescent woman. Both may enjoy physical intimacy because it feels good and makes them feel safe and secure, physically and emotionally. If you acknowledge preadolescent girls are sexual, both may masturbate and experience sexual pleasure and orgasm. They may seek out sexual partners because of the desire for physical intimacy, security, because they are curious, to experience sexual pleasure, and quite simply to have fun. The motivation behind these activities exists in the absence of true sexual desire. While their actions may be sexual, their motives may not be. Other than age, there appears to be no obvious difference between girls and women, other than one has the capacity to reproduce. That is exactly what society expects us to believe, that neither desires sex.
There is in fact a big difference between a preadolescent girl and an adolescent girl or post adolescent woman. That difference is sexual desire. The adolescent girl and post adolescent woman have a chemical messenger called testosterone circulating throughout their body that causes their mind and body to do things they have no control over. Suddenly, their body has a mind of its own. For unknown reasons they experience sexual arousal and are driven to seek out a sexual partner. While sitting in school, at work, and in the middle of the night while they sleep their body may explode with desire. Their vulva and vagina suddenly come alive and make themselves known. Liquid flows from their vagina, their clitoris throbs, and their heart pounds. Their clitoris, vulva, and nipples are acutely sensitive to touch. In childhood they may have masturbated because it felt good, now they feel compelled to, and may do so frequently. A hollow ache in their lower abdomen may cause them to seek something to fill and soothe it, a vaginal ache. The sight of another person, male or female, may cause them to drift towards them, their feet moving without thought. They do not know why, it just happens. They are full of boundless energy and excitement. Sexual thoughts and images become overpowering. They become consumed with one thought, sex. Non-sexual things suddenly become sexual. Everything is about sex. No matter how hard they try to resist these feelings they cannot. No amount of logic will deviate them from their course. They are a sexual, desirous, horny. They may be innocent and pure but they are definitely not asexual.
The level of sexual desire a teen or woman experiences vary considerable from one to the next. A woman's level of desire and its rhythms are unique to her. A woman should not assume there is something wrong with her if she does, or did not, experience sexual desire to the degree described above. I've gone to extreme to make a point; though many women do experience intense desire. What is normal depends solely on the individual. Many may not experience intense desire, or experience it later in life rather than during puberty and early adulthood. A woman should not assume that since her peers are more sexual or experience greater sexual desire there is something wrong with her. It is okay not to experience sexual desire, or at least intense desire. Absence of desire is truly only a reason for concern if a woman believes it is. The catch is, if you do not desire sex you may not see the benefits of having sex. On the other hand, a woman pretending to be more sexual than she is does harm to herself, and her partner. Women may do so because of pressures from society, peers, and partners.
Intimacy, sex, sexuality, and sexual desire are unique entities that can exist independent of each other yet are closely linked and interdependent on one another. They each play a role within a person's life and relationships.
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Physical Intimacy may simply be stated as feeling "comfortable" and "safe" as a result of the physical presence of another person or persons. We feel secure wrapped in the arms of another and enjoy the warmth of their body against our own. We desire physical intimacy because we are social animals who must rely on one another for survival. Physical intimacy is very important to our emotional well being. The absence of physical intimacy during infancy and childhood has been found to be very damaging to children and impair adult sexuality. Physical intimacy exists in the absence of physical sex, as in the case of parents and children, and between siblings. Sexual feelings may develop as a result of physical intimacy, even between those in which is it not socially acceptable, because our body often responds of its own accord; the body has built in reflex responses.
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Emotionally Intimacy is associated with trust and disclosure. We are emotionally intimate when we trust someone sufficiently to be ourselves, and feel comfortable doing so. It may best describe what "love" is, and is not often achieved in the blink of an eye. Emotional intimacy may result from or develop into physical intimacy that is sexual to varying degrees. If you feel safe and secure your sexual desires and feelings may exert greater control over you. An example is best friends who unexpectedly find each other sexually desirable. In the absence of emotional intimacy sexual pleasure can be harder to achieve if you cannot surrender control because you feel vulnerable.
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Sex is the physical, the sexual acts and activities. It is what we do with our bodies. Sex is not intimacy and can exist in the absence of intimacy, physical and emotional intimacy. Sex can even be a means of avoiding intimacy. We can go through the physical motions of sex without any emotional involvement; at times reducing partnered sex to nothing more than a reproductive act. This is not meant to suggest that purely physical sex is harmful and best avoided. Sex can certainly be fun and enjoyable without intimacy. It can be down right breathtaking. Our bodies can take control resulting in wonderful sex and pleasure. Intimacy usually enhances physical sex by allowing a person to surrender control and allow their body to take control. Intimacy also fills in the voids between sexual experiences. Woman are often seen as desirous of intimacy and men as desirous of physical sex, but both must seek a balance between the two.
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Sexual Desire may lead to sex and intimacy, but it can also lead to confusion and conflict when there is no intimacy or sexual compatibility. Sexual desire enhances our lives, but it can override logic. Sexual desire is a necessity of survival that may conflict with the other things we desire, the things that also make us feel good, but are less necessary for survival.
A person may experience desire for someone they know little or nothing about other than what they see or perceive of them, a person's public persona. Initial sexual desire is often based on sight alone. We may then seek to develop intimacy prior to engaging in sex or we may place blind trust in them and engage in sex immediately. How we see our partner when under the influence of sexual desire is often controlled more by fantasy than fact, if our desire for a person does not develop after first knowing them. Once the initial sexual excitement has diminished, and if intimacy does not develop, a void forms that may cause us to seek out a new and sexually exciting partner.
From an evolutionary perspective our nuclear family would likely provide emotional and physical intimacy, meaning our sexual partners would need only fulfill a reproductive role. Our reproductive partner would likely be a passing stranger from another family group or community. Once a woman is pregnant her body often says no to sex, and family becomes of greater importance. That is vastly different from what we may expect as individuals and society today. We want it all from one person, in part because extended and large families are becoming a thing of the past, in industrialized societies.
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Sexuality encompasses everything: a person's biological, psychological, and anatomical sex, sexual orientation, interests, desire, and experiences. We are all sexual, even if that is by being non-sexual. We are sexual from the moment of birth until the moment of death. A woman may desire physical and emotional intimacy but not sex, as a result of not experiencing sexual desire, but she is still very sexual. We cannot escape our sexuality.
Female sexual desire is also addressed in the article titled Managing the Risks Associated with Partnered Sex, in the sections headed The Fox Guards the Hen House, It Just Happened, and Are Accidents Less than Accidental. There is also: What Is Normal, I Mean Typical
