Back to Part 1

Why might a five-year-old want an adult to smell her vulva? This goes hand in hand with the information presented above. Her mother likely made her aware of her scent, and possibly of her mother's scent, and said it was good and normal. The daughter was wanting to share this with you, and to get further approval of her scent. While it sounds very unusual, given the context it probably isn't. Many teens and women are very concerned about their scent, and have no idea that it is normal or what to expect. They are not familiar with their own scent, and they don't know how other women smell either. This has nothing to do with sex but normal health and hygiene. This too produces anxiety, and is a barrier to teens and women enjoying sex, especially oral sex. Many girls learn to believe any scent coming from their vulva is bad and would never share it with others. Your girlfriend may have been trying to prevent this in her own daughter. We learn to be ashamed of our scents, the experience of having someone thrust their scent in our face unexpectedly would difficult to deal with for most of us. If you reacted negatively this could have negative consequences, so talk to her and explain your reaction and let her know her scent is nice.

Why might a five-year-old want to see the genitals of an adult? Curiosity, they are not her own and are different from hers, they are often hidden from her which increases her curiosity, and to get a reaction from the adult. It is not about sex. She may even want to touch, smell, and taste them to fulfill her curiosity, as if looking wasn't perplexing enough. Having been deliberately shown, and as a result of seeing your genitals on numerous occasions in bed, may have led her to believe it is okay for her to explore them. While your anxiety is justified, so is her curiosity. You may have mislead her by allowing her to see your genitals when her mother was teaching her about the male anatomy. She may have thought you were more comfortable than you are with her seeing and exploring your genitals. Now she is expressing her curiosity, may enjoy making you feel uncomfortable, and is possibly amusing her mother. You might explain to her why you are uncomfortable, that you were raised differently than her mother. You do not have to give her permission to explore your genitals, explaining that she too has the right to control who sees and touches her vulva. If you had bathed with her when she was younger, she may have done her explorations then, and you may have been more comfortable with it, or maybe not, but now her age may make it even more unacceptable for you.

Why might a five-year-old masturbate by rubbing her vulva against an adult? Because it feels better than masturbating alone, the warm of the parent's body feels nice and is comforting, to experiment with and to experience what she has witnessed her parents doing (sexually or intimately, not necessarily in a sexual context), unintentional touch or pressing felt good but intentional rubbing feels even better, to fulfill curiosity, and to be mischievous. Since she does it while you are asleep she probably knows it is inappropriate, or wants to do it on her own terms, she is using you. Is it harmful? Most would say yes, as it is a sexual activity involving a child and adult. Even if the adult is passive they created a situation where it was possible for the child to do it. This is not the first time I have heard of something like this, it is mentioned on the page about sexual abuse, and the above survey results indicates others share your experience. What is perhaps different is that it occurred on several occasions. Most parents would probably immediately stop allowing the child to sleep with them; their own anxiety would be pretty significant and result in a strong negative reaction. They may even punish the child, which making them sleep in their own bed would be. The challenge is to make the child know their actions were inappropriate without harming their sexuality. You don't want her to feel dirty, perverted, or weird for her actions. The challenge is, that unlike in the case of touching a hot stove that will cause physical harm, you are trying to explain why something that felt pleasurable to her, that did not caused immediate harm, is unacceptable.

How a person recalls their early sexual experiences may not accurately represent those activities. What we recall may be the result of actual physical experiences, fantasies, or dreams. Many of us have experienced dreams that were so vivid, and that left such an intense impression on us, that we are left wondering if they weren't real. Children have sexual dreams and fantasies that can be very explicit and kinky. They may also become biased by later experiences. If in school they are told any sexual contact between children and adults is bad and harmful, how will this affect their memories? If they had these experiences, what happens when they are told the adult was at fault and is a bad person?  What if they are told they must report this adult so other children aren't harmed? How will they feel when they have enjoyed bad and harmful things? This is less likely to happen today, as a result of masturbation and sexual exploration with peers, but may happen if they explored sex with adults or older children. It is probably necessary to make the daughter aware of the fact that others have different views on childhood nudity and sexuality, views other than that of her mother's and your own.

By referring to the girl as "your girlfriend's daughter" you indicate you have not taken or been permitted equal ownership of her. If you had, you would say "our daughter" or "my daughter." After living with her and her mother for several years one might assume she would become your daughter in spirit, and the girl would see you as her "father." If this has not occurred this means you probably have less say than her mother in regard to how she is raised, what she is taught, and what she is permitted to do. If your girlfriend is unwilling to share ownership or you are unwilling to accept it then this will be a barrier to how and if you influence the rules she lives by. If your girlfriend sets the rules her daughter and you must live by you need to accept them and if you cannot agree on how to raise the girl then you probably need to consider whether the relationship should continue. If you cannot agree in principle on how to raise the girl then greater conflict is likely in the future, especially once the girl nears puberty.

While you may enjoy and benefit from your girlfriend being openly sexual you may not understand or approve of how she is or became that way. There may be conflict between your expectations of a sexual girlfriend and a maternal mother. While she may have made a conscious decision to be openly sexual or to rebel against her upbringing it is also possible she was raised in the same environment she seeks to raise her daughter. Her personal experience may have taught her that it is beneficial to raise her daughter as she is. She may also know from experience the consequences of being raised in a more conservative environment, and does not want her daughter to experience the same. If she was raised by a single mother, nudity and open sexual exploration may have been easier to permit than if there was a man present, because of family and sexual dynamics, and she may not be aware of or sensitive to your feelings and concerns. It is important to understand your girlfriend's experiences and motivations to raise her daughter in the manner that she is. If you cannot understand or accept her motives then you need to consider whether the relationship should continue.

A five-year-old can certainly be expected to obey a few rules regarding her own and other's sexuality. You and your girlfriend should be able to require her to respect your need for privacy during your sexual activities. You don't need to hide your sexual activities, simply tell her of your need for privacy, no distractions. You can tell her you need private time together and close the bedroom door. The closed bedroom door indicating private time, you don't need to lock the door, as if you are hiding something. She is then instructed to knock before entering. If she doesn't respect your privacy then you can punish her, perhaps requiring her to sleep alone. You can also require that she not rub against you while you sleep, as a condition of her sleeping with you. Even if she can openly explore and touch her mother's body that does not mean she must have the same privilege with you, but your girlfriend has to approve of any punishment if her daughter doesn't respect your personal space. If you and your girlfriend cannot agree on the rules and the punishment for breaking them then you need to consider whether the relationship should continue.

I would expect that you and your girlfriend go to bed later in the evening than her daughter so you can engage in sexual activities anywhere in the house that her daughter isn't during that time. A simple rule you can follow is that your bed is for sleeping, if her daughter is present. Now this may not be as convenient as if she slept in her own room and bed, but is a necessity of having a family bed. If you desire sex in the middle of the night then you should be able to to expect a five-year-old to respect your need for privacy if you leave the room. No doubt this creates a dilemma if you seek to raise a girl who knows about sex and is permitted to fulfill her curiosity, and if you don't want her to believe sex is something that is bad or harmful. You don't want to punish her for being curious about sex, only for not respecting your need for private time. Eventually she will likely want private time too, especially once puberty nears.

Are children harmed by seeing adults engage in sexual activities? Historically nuclear and extended families have lived in a single dwelling or communal space. There was little privacy, or a need of  it. While adults may have sought out privacy they probably didn't on most occasions, depending on the morality of the community. This resulted in children regularly having the opportunity to witness adults engaging in sex, it was a normal part of life for them. In conservative cultures where there is a learned need for privacy children have often been prevented from seeing adult sexual activities, and even intimacy. If a child should accidentally discover adults engaging in sex they were often times yelled at and/or punished, because the adults were taught sex was bad and harmful for them and especially children. The adult's reactions were motivated more by their own embarrassment, shame, vulnerability than the child's actions. Is a child likely to be harmed by seeing adults doing mysterious things in the dark, touching private parts, making funny noises, quite possibly giving the appearance of physical violence, hearing crying and moaning, and then being yelled at and chased away? These actions often did adversely affects the child's sexuality and sent the wrong messages about sex.

If children witnessed but were not noticed by the adults what feelings may they experience? Depending on the child they may have a broad range of feelings, good and bad. Who would they talk to about this experience and their feelings towards it? This would likely result in a confused child with potentially unhealthy feelings about their own and adult sexuality.

We do know that if children are not exposed to normal healthy adult sexuality they often experience sexual difficulties when they are adults. They are also handicapped by their lack of knowledge, not knowing what "real sex" is like, only knowing what they learn through gossip and porn. If they do not see their parents as sexual beings it is hard for them to be sexual when they become adults and parents. If men do not see their mother as a sexual person they may not be able to be sexual with the mother of their children. If they don't know or acknowledge their mother participated in and enjoyed sexual activities like oral sex they may not be able to engage in these activities with their wife, instead they seek out a mistress or prostitute. A woman who does not have a sexual role model may have no idea how to be a sexual adult, to know how to get her needs met, or to understand her true needs. The sexual activities she allows herself may be very limited and she may not permit herself to enjoy sex. This results in unfulfilled wives and mothers. How to raise a sexually healthy child who becomes a sexually healthy adult is up for debate.

Adults are greatly disturbed by their sexual feelings and responses that result from their interaction with children. Children and adults are sexual beings so things of a sexual nature will occur between them, not necessarily physical sex. In the United States we have an obsession with pedophilia that is equivalent to the witch hunts of old. It is a taboo subject that seizes our attention. It is like the ultimate horror movie we are unable to stop watching no matter how much it shocks and frightens us. The news media is more than willing to fulfill our desire for every sordid detail, and these stories are very beneficial for their ratings and profits. A single case can be drawn out for months if not years, leading us to believe these "monsters attack defenseless children" several times a day; sexual abuse by a relative is a far too common occurrence but things like brutal abductions and violent sex crimes involving children are probably much less common than the media leads us to believe. While facts are almost never disclosed, to protect us from the unspeakable truth, our imagination is more than willing to fill in the missing details. We imagine the most sordid and perverse things, we "know" what really happened without being told. We probably don't want to know the facts, they are either boring or too unpleasant to think about. We want to know about the sexual acts, not the end result. We may even masturbate to thoughts of these imagined crimes, a common experience and not abnormal. All this results in a lot of anxiety in adults, because of our own sexual feelings or because we want to protect our children from the monster we are told is lurking around every corner, but often feel powerless to do, as is also pointed out on the nightly news.

Lonnie Garfield Barbach Ph.D. discusses the sexual feelings adults may have for children in her article Bringing up Children Sexually. While these feelings and experiences cause significant anxiety they are normal, but do not justify adults using children for sex. If we experience sexual arousal or feelings as a result of the things children do or our interactions with them we may feel so much anxiety that we prevent those interactions in the future, at the expense of the child. This is perhaps why many parents do not show their children physical affection. A mother may stop breast-feeding her child because she experiences sexual arousal or orgasm, believing this is in inappropriate response, but it is actually a normal biological response. A parent on seeing their child masturbate, a sexual activity from our perspective, may react even more negatively if they experience sexual feelings and arousal. A father who experiences an erection when his child sits in his lap may not engage in similar intimate activities with them in the future; the erection was the end result of a warm body pressing or rubbing against their penis, not a conscious choice. A parent waking to find their child masturbating by rubbing against them is probably going to very surprised, if not shocked, especially if they experience sexual arousal as a result. While the child may be doing something inappropriate they are not abnormal nor is a reflex response on the part of the adult abnormal. If the parent screams at or strikes the child not only will the child be harmed but also confused. Why were they punished for doing something that felt good and/or what is wrong with them for enjoying something so terribly wrong? Few parents would be prepared to address this situation in a positive and constructive manner. How do you explain to a young child that even though it felt good it was inappropriate? How do you teach them to understand the concept of personal space and comfort?

Childhood sexuality cannot be spoken of in terms of black and white, what is clearly good or bad, though many claim or want to believe you can. What is appropriate depends on context. Any sexual activity, within reason, can be beneficial or harmful depending on the circumstances. Today, we are generally more open to childhood sexuality than we once were which results in less anxiety in children and their parents. But we frequently believe sex by nature is harmful, or can lead to harm if enjoyed too much, if we don't exhibit self control. We naturally want to protect our children from harm so we protect them from sex until we believe they can exhibit self control. The challenge we confront with sex is protecting them from harm without causing harm.

Will a girl who has been raised in a sexually permissive environment be more likely to experience sexual abuse, rape, be sexually promiscuous or precocious, experience teen pregnancy, contract a sexually transmitted infection, or to be taken advantage of sexually? I don't know the answer to this question but I do know that there are several generations of American girls who demonstrate that living in a conservative environment doesn't prevent them from experiencing these things. Sexually abused girl may be more likely to experience these things but is the cause exposure to sex at an early age or exposure to abnormal sex? If there wasn't the associated shame and embarrassment would anxiety have such an adverse affect on their self worth and image? What if a girl learns about sex and her sexuality at an early age and feels good about herself and her sexual experiences? Is sex really harmful?

A woman who visited the website after this question and answer were added has shared her experience of living in an environment where family nudity was considered appropriate and sexuality wasn't hidden from her and her siblings. You can read her experience by clicking here.

Below a father relates his experiences with his daughter:

I found the answer that Chrissy Z wrote to the gentleman who told us about the very open behavior of his girlfriend's 5-year-old daughter quite interesting. Definitely children learn their attitudes towards sexuality from their parents, and if they think nudity normal or unusual depends on what they see at home. The gentleman was disturbed by what he thought were the little girl's blatantly sexual patterns of behavior. To me this is a normal phase in children's development to want to get to know their bodies in general and their own as well as the other gender's sexual organs in particular. The extent in which this curiosity can be satisfied depends on the way parents are prepared to show their own nude bodies. Ok, the little girl was, due to the examples set by her mother, perhaps more open than others might be. But still, this pattern is natural. I experienced this with my daughter, when she was in the range of 5 or 6 years, that we once were together in the bathtub, she was sitting on my tummy, and somehow I realized that she was rubbing her vulva on my hairy belly, thoroughly enjoying herself, probably not even noticing that she was using me in a way. I got slowly away and avoided that kind of situation afterwards. In the family nudity was never a problem, and we often went together with her to the sauna (which in our country we do in the nude). Nevertheless, when she turned 11 later on and felt that her breasts were budding ever so slightly, she started keeping herself distinctly covered for a few years (at least in contact with me as her father, while she was a bit more confident with her mother), which is again a perfectly natural phase in a child's development, and we respected it without much ado. A few years later she suddenly took up going to the sauna with us again, as if nothing had happened in the meantime.

Of course, what the gentleman missed was the little girl's respect of his body, and I saw that Chrissy really stressed that aspect of living together with children in a very open and natural way. I find that this can and should be taught to children as a reciprocal system. Children, especially adolescents, expect our respect of their bodies and inhibitions, and so should we as the adults make clear our inhibitions and limits, the points that we expect to be respected.. This idea must be taught as well as lived in contact with children, and only then we can expect a relationship on an equal level with our grown kids.