Question: I knew that young children could have sexual feelings, but I think that my girlfriend's daughter may have a problem. When it comes to sex my girlfriend is very open, and I believe that her openness is rubbing off on her daughter. My girlfriend believes that talking to her daughter about sex will make her more comfortable with her body as she grows older, I believe this to be true also, but now it seems that this little girl is too much obsessed with her vulva. First of all, because her mother has a habit of walking around the house naked, the little one also likes to walk around naked; if she is inside the house we cannot keep clothes on her. What makes it worse is that now she always has her hand on her vulva playing with herself. I try to tell my girlfriend that she should not her do this, but she wants to teach her that she should not be ashamed of her body. The good thing is that my girlfriend works from home and her daughter is being home schooled, so we do not have to worry about her going to school and being sent home because she does not want to wear clothes and play with herself all day. But what going happen if she has to go to a real school someday?

That's not the end of it. Both mother and child like to be naked. What her daughter does now is go up to her vulva and play with her on it, and what my girlfriend does is open up her lips and makes monster noises and chases her around the house. My Girlfriend does not think that letting her daughter play with her vulva is a bad thing. Two weeks ago her daughter comes up to me spreads her vulva apart and starts making monster noises, then she put her fingers up to my nose for me to "smell it". All my girlfriend did was laugh. Again I tried to say something to my girlfriend, and she sees no problem with it. Another time my girlfriend was teaching her about sexual organs. Instead of showing her pictures of the organs my girlfriend spreads her leg in front of her daughter and shows her every part of her vulva, after that my girlfriend gets a mirror spreads her daughters legs and shows her her own vulva. When she starts talking about the penis she looks over to me and ask if I would show her daughter my penis; now I did not want to get upset in front of the daughter because like you said, you do not want children to think that sex is something bad, so I let my girlfriend use my penis as a display chart and I left the house after that, because I was very disturbed. After letting this little one see my penis, she is always asking me to take off my clothes like her mommy does, and let her see my penis. When I say no, she then starts to tickle me, and tries to tickle my crotch. As always her mother is around and she just laughs it away. The other day I caught her daughter upstairs with the little girl from next door; the little girl from next door had her legs spread, and my girlfriend's daughter was between them rubbing her vulva with Barbie's head. I did not know what to do or say, so I did not say anything. What should I do when I see something like that?

Again that's not the end of it. My girlfriend and I rarely get any alone time together; her daughter does not like to sleep alone so she is always in between us, so sex is very hard for us. One time we were very horny, so we put a movie on for her to watch downstairs while we went upstairs to have sex. Not twenty minutes later the 5 year old comes in and catches us while her mom is riding me; her mother tells her to go back downstairs and finish watching her movie and that we would be down shortly. I wanted to stop but she wanted to continue, but every five minutes she was back upstairs wanting something. Now I've caught my parents have sex many times, all kids will probably see that in their life time, so I saw nothing wrong with that.  At night and all three of us are sleeping my girlfriend gets really horny, so what she does is move the little one to the outside of us, and she would move in closer to me and we would have sex as quietly as possible. This is a really smart little girl, and sometimes I think that she is laying there quietly watching us. I know what you are thinking, "Why don't you just go to another room?"; we have tried that, but she senses that we are not there, and she will get up and come looking for us. And we do not have any locks on the doors.  Now I think that having sex in the same room as her is a problem. Now sometimes when I'm sleeping on my back her daughter will climb on top of me, lay her head on my chest, and start humping my belly. She has done this about five times now and I forgot to mention that she also likes to sleep naked. Sometimes I notice it and sometime I don't. When I notice it I move her off of me and either go downstairs to sleep on the floor. When I don't notice it I wake up in the morning with a wet belly. I've also told my girlfriend about this, now we try to keep her on the outside of us but she keeps on crawling back in the middle of us. The last time that this happened I was not aware that that she was doing this and I thought I was dreaming about my girlfriend, and I got aroused and I woke up with an erection. Now I am scared and really worried. I love my girlfriend and I want to make her my wife, and I love her daughter like my own since I've been in her life since she was a baby. I'm afraid the these types of things will ruin our relationship. And what will happen if I decide to leave and some other man comes in there and tries to have sex with my little girl. I do not want that to happen, that is why I'm still here. We teach her about talking to strangers and people touching her in the wrong way, so she knows what to do, like I said, she is very smart. I've talked to my girlfriend about this, but that is how her mother taught her about sex and her body, now she wants her daughter to feel comfortable and unashamed about her body. I just want to ask you, how extreme is this and what can we do as a family to get this stuff under control and not harm our child? And If there are cases out there like mine, I would like to hear what happened, an how the parents handled it. I love this site and I think you are doing a good thing.

ANSWER: I believe both you and your girlfriend are correct in your views on childhood sexuality even if they are in conflict, and the behavior your girlfriend's daughter is exhibiting is normal given the circumstances, but may not be appropriate in all instances. I cannot tell you the end result of the daughter's actions and experiences. Perhaps your girlfriend could shed light on the long term affects of these experiences, if she experienced them in the same manner. I would not recommend knowingly engaging in sex in front of your girlfriend's daughter. I know others have done the same but I believe this is an uncommon experience. I cannot advise you on the legality of those activities. In general, it is illegal to knowingly expose children to sexual activity.

There is simply a lot of unknowns involved. Taking the wrong course of action at this point could cause far more harm than the actions taken to date, if they have or could caused harm. Your girlfriend and your actions have resulted in her daughter having a set of believes and expectations about sex, which at this point seem to be positive; she appears to be comfortable with her body and sexuality. Inappropriate actions by anyone, even by those believing they are acting in her best interest, could result in a very confused girl.

There is little factual information available on childhood sexuality. The information that is most often available comes from parental observation and adult recollection. This is not the most accurate means of collecting this information. Parents may observe and report only what they are willing to. If they don't understand childhood sexuality they may not be able to recognize it when it occurs. In a society that is not open to childhood sexuality parents are likely to observe far less than parents in a society that does, partly because their children learn to hide their sexual activities. If their children learn to hide their sexual activities will the parents observe everything their children do? As adults we may not remember our earliest sexual activities or they become biased by the society we live in. If we weren't permitted to be sexual will we remember being sexual? If our childhood sexual partner was of the same sex, a sibling, or an adult will we be as willing to disclose this fact compared to if they were a classmate of the opposite sex? Would we even classify those activities as sexual in nature?

Western society has traditionally avoided the subject of childhood sexuality believing children were not sexual, making it unnecessary or impossible to study. Perhaps some believed childhood sexuality was the figment of an abnormal adult's imagination. If it was studied it fell under the realm of "abnormal" because "normal" children simply were not sexual. If a child was sexual they must have been sexually abused, learned it from others. Researchers are not permitted to study and record childhood sexuality as it occurs by observing and questioning children directly. Many believe studying childhood sexuality requires exposing children to sex or sexual information and they believe this to be harmful. You cannot ask a child if they touch their genitals without implanting the possibility into their mind. You cannot see to what extent children are sexual if they are not permitted to be sexual. To understand childhood sexuality we often must rely on cross cultural and anthropological studies to find comparisons, to see beyond the confines of our own culture.

Observed Sexual Activity in Children in the USA and Belgium

Results are Given in %	USA (1)	Belgium (2)	USA (1)	Belgium (2)
Question:	Boys & Girls 2 to 12 years old	Boys & Girls 2 to 12 years old	Girls 2 to 5 years old	Boys & Girls 2 to 5 years old
Touches Sex Parts in Public	14.4	22.2	15.1	30.0
Touches Sex Parts at Home	38.4	63.8	43.8	78.3
Masturbates with Hands	12.4	7.5	15.8	9.2
Masturbates with Object	3.9	2.0	6.0	3.2
Puts Object in Vagina/Rectum	0.8	1.6	2.8	3.0
Rubs Body Against People or Furniture	4.3	4.4	3.2	5.3
Shows Sex Parts to Adults	9.8	12.9	13.8	20.9
Shows Sex Parts to Children	5.3	9.5	6.4	13.2
Touches Other Children's Sex Parts	-	-	8.8	-
Touches Adult's Sex Parts	-	-	4.2	-
Touches Other Peoples' Sex Parts	-	13.1	-	21.9
Imitates the Act of Intercourse	-	5.0	-	2.3
Tries to Have Intercourse	-	-	1.1	-
Puts Mouth on Another Child's/Adult's Sex Parts	0.2	0.2	0.0	0.2
Walks Around House Without Cloths	-	44.5	-	57.5
Plays Doctor	-	42.8	-	53.0

1 Normative Sexual Behavior in Children: A Contemporary Sample. William N Friedrich, Jennifer Fisher. Daniel Broughton, Margaret Houston and Constance R. Shafran Pediatrics 1998
2 Child Sexual Behavior Inventory: Dutch-speaking Normative Sample. Eric Schoentjes, Dirk Deboutte and William Friedrich Pediatrics 1999

The above information reveals the percentage of children who have been observed by an adult, a female primary care giver in the study conducted in the United Sates and a male or female care giver in the Belgian study, engaging in the described activities. The children included in the results were not known to have been exposed to sexual abuse, as sexual abuse may influence the child's sexual activities. Overall the Belgian parents and society are probably more permissive of nudity and sexual activity than parents in the United states, which influences the results of the studies. This data may reflect what parents in conservative and permissive households in the United States may observe in their children. In your case one partner is more permissive than the other, which is probably a common experience in the United States.

If "normal" children engage in these activities does it make it "normal" for them to do so? Does the frequency of observation indicate whether it is normal/beneficial or abnormal/harmful for children to do these things? If only one out of one hundred girls has been observed engaging in a specific sexual activity is she less normal than if twenty out of a hundred girls has been observed doing the same? How many engage in these activities but have not been observed by a parent?

This study does not indicated the lasting affects of these activities, positive or negative, on the child. Is an openly sexual child more or less likely to to have a healthy sexuality as an adult? Does more anxiety and shame result from masturbation or touching an adult's genitals? It probably depends on the individual child and the circumstances. What about the anxiety experienced by the adult on observing or experiencing these activities? What is the result of the compounded anxiety of child and adult, or lack there of? There is likely more anxiety experienced by children and their parents in the United States than in Belgium, if the United States is overall more conservative than Belgium.

If childhood nudity is permitted in a home are we more likely to witness it? If adult nudity is permitted in a home are we more likely to witness childhood nudity? If children are permitted to explore their body openly are we more like to witness it? If we encourage exploration of their body are we more likely to witness it? If children are permitted to be sexual are we more likely to witness them being sexual? Is sexuality instinctive, intuitive, and/or learned? If children witness adult sexual activity are they likely to  mimic those activities? Does a child need to see a sexual activity, say intercourse, to engage in an activity that looks the same to the passing observer? Don't children learn from peers and older children too? If a child is comfortable with their and their parent's body, they feel secure in the presence of the parent, enjoys the warmth of their parent's body, may they not rub their genitals against that parent's body when they are in bed together, or simply sitting together fully clothed? Would a child need to have seen adults engaging in intercourse to be motivated to do this? Could it be intuitive, or the result of prior learning, say rubbing their genitals against a bed or chair? A child mimics what they see parents do as part of the natural process of learning to be an adult in any given society. Is it then abnormal for a female child to mimic her mother's sexual actions with her mother's sexual partner, after first witnessing these activities? If a child is raised in a home where nudity is not permitted, physical intimacy and sexuality is not openly expressed by their parents, and sexuality is not discussed does this mean the child will never engage in sexual activities alone, with peers, siblings, or adults? Which child is more likely to experience anxiety? Which child is likely to have more a positive image of those experiences? Is one more likely than the other to be confused about their sexuality later in life?

To get an impression of female childhood sexuality and its diversity one only needs to read through the shared masturbation experiences women have submitted to this website. They demonstrates not only that girls are sexual beings but also that they are often very intuitive and imaginative, in spite of frequently being raised in very conservative households. They certainly experience anxiety to varying degrees but this did not squelch their sexuality all together.

On the page about hygiene I address the genital hygiene of daughters. There I recommend open family nudity and that parents and children bathe together. This is in an effort to prevent the child from learning that they should be ashamed of or embarrassed by their genitals. A child learns much more from a parent's actions than their spoken word. If a parent hides their genitals the child will do the same, and believe there is something to keep hidden. I also recommend that children be allowed to explore their parent's body if and when they want to. If a parent and child bath together from birth onward this is likely to occur of its own accord. Many parents start requiring their child to bathe themselves at a young age and/or do not bathe at the same time so this never has the likelihood occurring. Children quickly learn their parent's genitals are off limit and that their parents do not want to see their genitals, that their genitals make their parents feel uncomfortable. Rather than preventing curiosity this may increase it resulting in voyeurism and touch a parent is not comfortable with, perhaps resulting in the child being punished.

I also recommend that parents teach girls to use a mirror to examine their vulva and to teach them the proper names for all the different parts. This is because without a mirror a girl cannot clearly see her vulva. Since vulvas are so unique showing her an illustration may not help her identify her own anatomy. Showing a young girl an illustration of an adult's woman vulva may not help her to understand her own anatomy, and images of nude preadolescents are illegal to posses in many areas, as is showing children photos depicting adult nudity. If a mother is comfortable showing her daughter her own vulva then that is beneficial, but if a mother would be uncomfortable with this, she probably should not. If the child doesn't want to, then it would be harmful to force them to.

I also mention the challenges parents may face if they follow this advise, when the child starts attending school and interacts with a greater number of children and adults. While it is my understanding that childcare providers and teachers frequently observe sexual activity in young children you don't know what they consider normal or abnormal. It may depend on your community or their understanding of and experiences with childhood sexuality. Parents probably do not question prospective childcare providers about their views on childhood nudity and sexuality to see if they match their own. When a child attends school there is likely no control over what your child will or will not be permitted to do. In the United States laws usually require teachers to report suspected cases of sexual abuse, it is mandatory not voluntary. If and when social services and law enforcement becomes involved you don't know how they will interpret and enforce your local laws. Providing home schooling provides a means of limiting your child's exposure to morality, believes, and expectations that aren't your own but it only delays the inevitable.

While playing doctor is a common experience among children you probably don't know how the parents of the other children involved feel about those activities. If the other children start engaging in sexual activities at home that their parents are not comfortable with that could have negative consequences for you, your child, and their children too. They may not allow your children to play together and/or they notify local law enforcement agencies. If your child initiates sexual activities with friends and family that could have negative consequences. Friends and family may see it as normal, amusing, abnormal, or shocking. How your girlfriend's mother would react is probably quite a bit different from how your mother would react. Since the United States has such a diverse makeup of people, experiences, laws, and religions you simply don't know how others will react to childhood nudity and sexuality. If you lock your child in your home and don't allow visitors that creates a short term solution but creates other undesired consequences in the long term.

Why might a five-year-old resist wearing cloths? Cloths can be restrictive, the child may be allergic to the fabric or laundry detergent, their skin is sensitive to touch, friction, or pressure, not wearing clothes allows them to demonstrate some control over their body, for the first nine months of their life they floated naked in their mother's womb, they are rebelling against their parents, they are mimicking their parent, to provide easier access to their genitals, and to stay cooler. On the page about hygiene I mention it is not unusual for young girls to resist wearing cloths, and going without is healthier. When is harmful? If they are forced to, it is the only way of getting attention from adults, or if others react negatively and make them feel ashamed or confused. As your girlfriend's daughter becomes older she may become more modest or she may not. As a preadolescent or adolescent she may or may not be comfortable with nudity. I knew one girl who at the age of five was very comfortable being nude in front of adults on a swim beach but a year later she was not. Some girls grow to be uncomfortable with not only their own nudity but also their parents'. I cannot explain why these changes occur, socialization may have a lot to do with it.

Why might a five-year-old masturbate frequently? It feels good, to experience orgasm, they are bored, to explore their body and its responses, to relax, to help her fall asleep, and to get attention. At what point does it become a reason for concern or is inappropriate? If they repeatedly do it to excess resulting in irritation; more than an occasional over indulgence. They intentionally cause themselves harm. It is a symptom of the stress in their life; if they live in an unhealthy environment frequent masturbation could be a symptom of it. Masturbation is the only way they can get their parent's attention, positive or negative. They prefer to masturbate rather than engage in other activities on a regular basis; they may not like to be interrupted, which is understandable. Thirty percent of teens and women report they masturbate one or more times a day so should we expect preadolescent girls to be any different? I have witnessed girls and women masturbating in public, and surprisingly they were insignificant events, no one else noticed or if they did they did not react openly or negatively. Is a parent's anxiety over the possibility of their child masturbating in public justified? I gather teachers frequently observe young children touching their genitals and masturbating in classrooms, and I suspect many of these children don't do it openly at home nor do their parents approve.

Why might a five-year-old show her vulva to an adult? To get approval and acceptance of it, to share what she has discovered, and possibly to shock her parents and other adults. If your girlfriend made her daughter feel good about her vulva why not show it off? Wouldn't she want you to praise her vulva too? If her mother made a game of showing her vulva and she thought it was fun why not do it with others? If a child is afraid of her mother's vulva pretending it was a monster could have negative consequences, but it seems to be an appropriate though unusual means of addressing the anxiety a girl may have about her vulva in this case. If you reacted negatively to her actions and did not provide her with positive feelings about her vulva that could have negative consequences now and later. You want her to feel good about her vulva and its appearance. If you reacted negatively then it is best to sit her down and explain your reaction, that she surprised you, that it was not expected, but also tell her her vulva is pretty. I receive numerous e-mails from teens and women who never heard positive comments about their vulva from their parents and others, and they have learned to be apprehensive about showing their vulva to their sexual partner. This adversely affects their sexuality and pleasure.

Why might a five-year-old want an adult to smell her vulva? This goes hand in hand with the above information. Her mother likely made her aware of her scent, and possibly her mother's scent, and said it was good and normal. The daughter was wanting to share this with you, and to get further approval of her scent. While it sounds very unusual, given the context it probably is not. Many teens and women are very concerned about their scent and have no idea that it is normal or what to expect. They are not familiar with their own scent and don't know how other women smell. This has nothing to do with sex but normal health and hygiene. This too produces anxiety and is a barrier to teens and women enjoying sex, especially oral sex. Many girls learn to believe any scent coming from their vulva is bad and would never share it. Your girlfriend may have been trying to prevent this in her own daughter. We learn to be ashamed of our scents so having someone thrust their scent in our face unexpectedly would difficult to deal with. If you reacted negatively this could have negative consequences so talk to her and explain your reaction and let her know her scent is nice.

Why might a five-year-old want to see the genitals of an adult? Curiosity, they are not her own and are different from hers, they are often hidden from her which increases her curiosity, and to get a reaction from the adult. It is not about sex. She may even want to touch, smell, and taste them to fulfill her curiosity, as if looking wasn't perplexing enough. Having been deliberately shown and as a result of seeing them on numerous occasions in bed may have led her to believe it is okay for her to explore them. While your anxiety is justified so is her curiosity. You may have mislead her by allowing her to see your genitals when her mother was teaching her about the male anatomy. She may have thought you were more comfortable than you are with her seeing and exploring your genitals. Now she is expressing her curiosity, may enjoy making you feel uncomfortable, and possibly to amuse her mother. You might explain to her why you are uncomfortable, that you were raised differently than her mother. You do not have to give her permission to explore your genitals, explaining that she has the right to control who sees and touches her vulva too. If you had bathed with her when she was younger she may have done her exploration then and you may have been more comfortable with it, or maybe not, but now her age may make it unacceptable for you.

Why might a five-year-old masturbate by rubbing her vulva against an adult? Because it feels better than masturbating alone, the warm of the parent's body feels nice and is comforting, to experiment with and to experience what she has witnessed her parents doing (sexually or intimately, not necessarily in a sexual context), unintentional touch or pressing felt good but intentional rubbing feels even better, to fulfill curiosity, and to be mischievous. Since she does it while you are asleep she probably knows it is inappropriate, or wants to do it on her own terms, she is using you. Is it harmful? Most would say yes, as it is a sexual activity involving a child and adult. Even if the adult is passive they created a situation where it was possible for the child to do it. This is not the first time I have heard of something like this, it is mentioned on the page about sexual abuse, and the above survey results indicates others share your experience. What is perhaps different is that it occurred on several occasions. Most would probably immediately stop allowing the child to sleep with them; their own anxiety would be pretty significant and result in a strong negative reaction. They may even punish the child, which making them sleep in their own bed would be. The challenge is to make the child know their actions were inappropriate without harming their sexuality. You don't want her to feel dirty, perverted, or weird for her actions. The challenge is that unlike in the case of touching a hot stove that will cause physical harm you are trying to explain why something that probably felt good to her and has not caused immediate harm is unacceptable.

How a person recalls their early sexual experiences may not accurately represent those activities. What we recall may be the result of actual physical experiences, fantasies, or dreams. Many have experienced dreams that were so vivid and that left such an intense impression on them that they are not sure they weren't real. Children have sexual dreams and fantasies that can be very explicit and kinky. They may also become biased by later experiences. If in school they are told any sexual contact between children and adults is bad and harmful how will this affect their memories? What if they are told that if these things happened to them that the adult was at fault and is a bad person?  What if they are told they must report this adult so other children aren't harmed? How will they feel when they have enjoyed bad and harmful things? This is less likely to happen today, as a result of masturbation and sexual exploration with peers, but may happen if they explored sex with adults or older children. It is probably necessary to make the girl aware that others have different views on childhood nudity and sexuality than her mother and you.

By referring to the girl as "your girlfriend's daughter" you indicate you have not taken or been permitted equal ownership of her. If you had, you would say "our daughter" or "my daughter." After living with her and her mother for several years one might assume she would become your daughter in spirit, and the girl would see you as her "father." If this has not occurred this means you probably have less say than her mother regarding how she is raised, what she is taught, and what she is permitted to do. If your girlfriend is unwilling to share ownership or you are unwilling to accept it then this will be a barrier to how and if you influence the rules she lives by. If your girlfriend sets the rules her daughter and you must live by you need to accept them and if you cannot agree on how to raise the girl then you probably need to consider whether the relationship should continue. If you cannot agree in principle on how to raise the girl then greater conflict is likely in the future, especially once the girl nears puberty.

While you may enjoy and benefit from your girlfriend being openly sexual you may not understand or approve of how she is or became that way. There may be conflict between your expectations of a sexual girlfriend and a maternal mother. While she may have made a conscious decision to be openly sexual or to rebel against her upbringing it is also possible she was raised in the same environment she seeks to raise her daughter. Her personal experience may have taught her that it is beneficial to raise her daughter as she is. She may also know from experience the consequences of being raised in a more conservative environment, and does not want her daughter to experience the same. If she was raised by a single mother, nudity and open sexual exploration may have been easier to permit than if there was a man present, because of family and sexual dynamics, and she may not be aware of or sensitive to your feelings and concerns. It is important to understand your girlfriend's experiences and motivations to raise her daughter in the manner that she is. If you cannot understand or accept her motives then you need to consider whether the relationship should continue.

A five-year-old can certainly be expected to obey a few rules regarding her own and other's sexuality. You and your girlfriend should be able to require her to respect your need for privacy during your sexual activities. You don't need to hide your sexual activities, simply tell her of your need for privacy, no distractions. You can tell her you need private time together and close the bedroom door. The closed bedroom door indicating private time, you don't need to lock the door, as if you are hiding something. She is then instructed to knock before entering. If she doesn't respect your privacy then you can punish her, perhaps requiring her to sleep alone. You can also require that she not rub against you while you sleep, as a condition of her sleeping with you. Even if she can openly explore and touch her mother's body that does not mean she must have the same privilege with you, but your girlfriend has to approve of any punishment if her daughter doesn't respect your personal space. If you and your girlfriend cannot agree on the rules and the punishment for breaking them then you need to consider whether the relationship should continue.

I would expect that you and your girlfriend go to bed later in the evening than her daughter so you can engage in sexual activities anywhere in the house that her daughter isn't during that time. A simple rule you can follow is that your bed is for sleeping, if her daughter is present. Now this may not be as convenient as if she slept in her own room and bed, but is a necessity of having a family bed. If you desire sex in the middle of the night then you should be able to to expect a five-year-old to respect your need for privacy if you leave the room. No doubt this creates a dilemma if you seek to raise a girl who knows about sex and is permitted to fulfill her curiosity, and if you don't want her to believe sex is something that is bad or harmful. You don't want to punish her for being curious about sex, only for not respecting your need for private time. Eventually she will likely want private time too, especially once puberty nears.

Are children harmed by seeing adults engage in sexual activities? Historically nuclear and extended families have lived in a single dwelling or communal space. There was little privacy, or a need of  it. While adults may have sought out privacy they probably didn't on most occasions, depending on the morality of the community. This resulted in children regularly having the opportunity to witness adults engaging in sex, it was a normal part of life for them. In conservative cultures where there is a learned need for privacy children have often been prevented from seeing adult sexual activities, and even intimacy. If a child should accidentally discover adults engaging in sex they were often times yelled at and/or punished, because the adults were taught sex was bad and harmful for them and especially children. The adult's reactions were motivated more by their own embarrassment, shame, vulnerability than the child's actions. Is a child likely to be harmed by seeing adults doing mysterious things in the dark, touching private parts, making funny noises, quite possibly giving the appearance of physical violence, hearing crying and moaning, and then being yelled at and chased away? These actions often did adversely affects the child's sexuality and sent the wrong messages about sex.

If children witnessed but were not noticed by the adults what feelings may they experience? Depending on the child they may have a broad range of feelings, good and bad. Who would they talk to about this experience and their feelings towards it? This would likely result in a confused child with potentially unhealthy feelings about their own and adult sexuality.

We do know that if children are not exposed to normal healthy adult sexuality they often experience sexual difficulties when they are adults. They are also handicapped by their lack of knowledge, not knowing what "real sex" is like, only knowing what they learn through gossip and porn. If they do not see their parents as sexual beings it is hard for them to be sexual when they become adults and parents. If men do not see their mother as a sexual person they may not be able to be sexual with the mother of their children. If they don't know or acknowledge their mother participated in and enjoyed sexual activities like oral sex they may not be able to engage in these activities with their wife, instead they seek out a mistress or prostitute. A woman who does not have a sexual role model may have no idea how to be a sexual adult, to know how to get her needs met, or to understand her true needs. The sexual activities she allows herself may be very limited and she may not permit herself to enjoy sex. This results in unfulfilled wives and mothers. How to raise a sexually healthy child who becomes a sexually healthy adult is up for debate.

Adults are greatly disturbed by their sexual feelings and responses that result from their interaction with children. Children and adults are sexual beings so things of a sexual nature will occur between them, not necessarily physical sex. In the United States we have an obsession with pedophilia that is equivalent to the witch hunts of old. It is a taboo subject that seizes our attention. It is like the ultimate horror movie we are unable to stop watching no matter how much it shocks and frightens us. The news media is more than willing to fulfill our desire for every sordid detail, and these stories are very beneficial for their ratings and profits. A single case can be drawn out for months if not years, leading us to believe these "monsters attack defenseless children" several times a day; sexual abuse by a relative is a far too common occurrence but things like brutal abductions and violent sex crimes involving children are probably much less common than the media leads us to believe. While facts are almost never disclosed, to protect us from the unspeakable truth, our imagination is more than willing to fill in the missing details. We imagine the most sordid and perverse things, we "know" what really happened without being told. We probably don't want to know the facts, they are either boring or too unpleasant to think about. We want to know about the sexual acts, not the end result. We may even masturbate to thoughts of these imagined crimes, a common experience and not abnormal. All this results in a lot of anxiety in adults, because of our own sexual feelings or because we want to protect our children from the monster we are told is lurking around every corner, but often feel powerless to do, as is also pointed out on the nightly news.

Lonnie Garfield Barbach Ph.D. discusses the sexual feelings adults may have for children in her article Bringing up Children Sexually. While these feelings and experiences cause significant anxiety they are normal, but do not justify adults using children for sex. If we experience sexual arousal or feelings as a result of the things children do or our interactions with them we may feel so much anxiety that we prevent those interactions in the future, at the expense of the child. This is perhaps why many parents do not show their children physical affection. A mother may stop breast-feeding her child because she experiences sexual arousal or orgasm, believing this is in inappropriate response, but it is actually a normal biological response. A parent on seeing their child masturbate, a sexual activity from our perspective, may react even more negatively if they experience sexual feelings and arousal. A father who experiences an erection when his child sits in his lap may not engage in similar intimate activities with them in the future; the erection was the end result of a warm body pressing or rubbing against their penis, not a conscious choice. A parent waking to find their child masturbating by rubbing against them is probably going to very surprised, if not shocked, especially if they experience sexual arousal as a result.  While the child may be doing something inappropriate they are not abnormal nor is a reflex response on the part of the adult abnormal. If the parent screams at or strikes the child not only will the child be harmed but also confused. Why were they punished for doing something that felt good and/or what is wrong with them for enjoying something so terribly wrong? Few parents would be prepared to address this situation in a positive and constructive manner. How do you explain to a young child that even though it felt good it was inappropriate? How do you teach them to understand the concept of personal space and comfort?

Childhood sexuality cannot be spoken of in terms of black and white, what is clearly good or bad, though many claim or want to believe you can. What is appropriate depends on context. Any sexual activity, within reason, can be beneficial or harmful depending on the circumstances. Today, we are generally more open to childhood sexuality than we once were which results in less anxiety in children and their parents. But we frequently believe sex by nature is harmful, or can lead to harm if enjoyed too much, if we don't exhibit self control. We naturally want to protect our children from harm so we protect them from sex until we believe they can exhibit self control. The challenge we confront with sex is protecting them from harm without causing harm.

Will a girl who has been raised in a sexually permissive environment be more likely to experience sexual abuse, rape, be sexually promiscuous or precocious, experience teen pregnancy, contract a sexually transmitted infection, or to be taken advantage of sexually? I don't know the answer to this question but I do know that there are several generations of American girls who demonstrate that living in a conservative environment doesn't prevent them from experiencing these things. Sexually abused girl may be more likely to experience these things but is the cause exposure to sex at an early age or exposure to abnormal sex? If there wasn't the associated shame and embarrassment would anxiety have such an adverse affect on their self worth and image? What if a girl learns about sex and her sexuality at an early age and feels good about herself and her sexual experiences? Is sex really harmful?

A woman who visited the website after this question and answer were added has shared her experience of living in an environment where family nudity was considered appropriate and sexuality wasn't hidden from her and her siblings. You can read her experience by clicking here.

Below a father relates his experiences with his daughter:

I found the answer that Chrissy Z wrote to the gentleman who told us about the very open behavior of his girlfriend's 5-year-old daughter quite interesting. Definitely children learn their attitudes towards sexuality from their parents, and if they think nudity normal or unusual depends on what they see at home. The gentleman was disturbed by what he thought were the little girl's blatantly sexual patterns of behavior. To me this is a normal phase in children's development to want to get to know their bodies in general and their own as well as the other gender's sexual organs in particular. The extent in which this curiosity can be satisfied depends on the way parents are prepared to show their own nude bodies. Ok, the little girl was, due to the examples set by her mother, perhaps more open than others might be. But still, this pattern is natural. I experienced this with my daughter, when she was in the range of 5 or 6 years, that we once were together in the bathtub, she was sitting on my tummy, and somehow I realized that she was rubbing her vulva on my hairy belly, thoroughly enjoying herself, probably not even noticing that she was using me in a way. I got slowly away and avoided that kind of situation afterwards. In the family nudity was never a problem, and we often went together with her to the sauna (which in our country we do in the nude). Nevertheless, when she turned 11 later on and felt that her breasts were budding ever so slightly, she started keeping herself distinctly covered for a few years (at least in contact with me as her father, while she was a bit more confident with her mother), which is again a perfectly natural phase in a child's development, and we respected it without much ado. A few years later she suddenly took up going to the sauna with us again, as if nothing had happened in the meantime.

Of course, what the gentleman missed was the little girl's respect of his body, and I saw that Chrissy really stressed that aspect of living together with children in a very open and natural way. I find that this can and should be taught to children as a reciprocal system. Children, especially adolescents, expect our respect of their bodies and inhibitions, and so should we as the adults make clear our inhibitions and limits, the points that we expect to be respected.. This idea must be taught as well as lived in contact with children, and only then we can expect a relationship on an equal level with our grown kids.