Question: I knew that young children could have sexual feelings, but I think that my girlfriend's daughter may have a problem. When it comes to sex my girlfriend is very open, and I believe that her openness is rubbing off on her daughter. My girlfriend believes that talking to her daughter about sex will make her more comfortable with her body as she grows older, I believe this to be true also, but now it seems that this little girl is too much obsessed with her vulva. First of all, because her mother has a habit of walking around the house naked, the little one also likes to walk around naked; if she is inside the house we cannot keep clothes on her. What makes it worse is that now she always has her hand on her vulva playing with herself. I try to tell my girlfriend that she should not her do this, but she wants to teach her that she should not be ashamed of her body. The good thing is that my girlfriend works from home and her daughter is being home schooled, so we do not have to worry about her going to school and being sent home because she does not want to wear clothes and play with herself all day. But what going happen if she has to go to a real school someday?

That's not the end of it. Both mother and child like to be naked. What her daughter does now is go up to her vulva and play with her on it, and what my girlfriend does is open up her lips and makes monster noises and chases her around the house. My Girlfriend does not think that letting her daughter play with her vulva is a bad thing. Two weeks ago her daughter comes up to me spreads her vulva apart and starts making monster noises, then she put her fingers up to my nose for me to "smell it". All my girlfriend did was laugh. Again I tried to say something to my girlfriend, and she sees no problem with it. Another time my girlfriend was teaching her about sexual organs. Instead of showing her pictures of the organs my girlfriend spreads her leg in front of her daughter and shows her every part of her vulva, after that my girlfriend gets a mirror spreads her daughters legs and shows her her own vulva. When she starts talking about the penis she looks over to me and ask if I would show her daughter my penis; now I did not want to get upset in front of the daughter because like you said, you do not want children to think that sex is something bad, so I let my girlfriend use my penis as a display chart and I left the house after that, because I was very disturbed. After letting this little one see my penis, she is always asking me to take off my clothes like her mommy does, and let her see my penis. When I say no, she then starts to tickle me, and tries to tickle my crotch. As always her mother is around and she just laughs it away. The other day I caught her daughter upstairs with the little girl from next door; the little girl from next door had her legs spread, and my girlfriend's daughter was between them rubbing her vulva with Barbie's head. I did not know what to do or say, so I did not say anything. What should I do when I see something like that?

Again that's not the end of it. My girlfriend and I rarely get any alone time together; her daughter does not like to sleep alone so she is always in between us, so sex is very hard for us. One time we were very horny, so we put a movie on for her to watch downstairs while we went upstairs to have sex. Not twenty minutes later the 5 year old comes in and catches us while her mom is riding me; her mother tells her to go back downstairs and finish watching her movie and that we would be down shortly. I wanted to stop but she wanted to continue, but every five minutes she was back upstairs wanting something. Now I've caught my parents have sex many times, all kids will probably see that in their life time, so I saw nothing wrong with that. At night and all three of us are sleeping my girlfriend gets really horny, so what she does is move the little one to the outside of us, and she would move in closer to me and we would have sex as quietly as possible. This is a really smart little girl, and sometimes I think that she is laying there quietly watching us. I know what you are thinking, "Why don't you just go to another room?"; we have tried that, but she senses that we are not there, and she will get up and come looking for us. And we do not have any locks on the doors. Now I think that having sex in the same room as her is a problem. Now sometimes when I'm sleeping on my back her daughter will climb on top of me, lay her head on my chest, and start humping my belly. She has done this about five times now and I forgot to mention that she also likes to sleep naked. Sometimes I notice it and sometime I don't. When I notice it I move her off of me and either go downstairs to sleep on the floor. When I don't notice it I wake up in the morning with a wet belly. I've also told my girlfriend about this, now we try to keep her on the outside of us but she keeps on crawling back in the middle of us. The last time that this happened I was not aware that that she was doing this and I thought I was dreaming about my girlfriend, and I got aroused and I woke up with an erection. Now I am scared and really worried. I love my girlfriend and I want to make her my wife, and I love her daughter like my own since I've been in her life since she was a baby. I'm afraid the these types of things will ruin our relationship. And what will happen if I decide to leave and some other man comes in there and tries to have sex with my little girl. I do not want that to happen, that is why I'm still here. We teach her about talking to strangers and people touching her in the wrong way, so she knows what to do, like I said, she is very smart. I've talked to my girlfriend about this, but that is how her mother taught her about sex and her body, now she wants her daughter to feel comfortable and unashamed about her body. I just want to ask you, how extreme is this and what can we do as a family to get this stuff under control and not harm our child? And If there are cases out there like mine, I would like to hear what happened, an how the parents handled it. I love this site and I think you are doing a good thing.

ANSWER: I believe both you and your girlfriend are correct in your views on childhood sexuality even if they are in conflict, and the behavior your girlfriend's daughter is exhibiting is normal given the circumstances, but may not be appropriate in all instances.

I cannot tell you the end result of the daughter's actions and experiences. Perhaps your girlfriend could shed light on the long term affects of these experiences, if she experienced them in the same manner. I would not recommend knowingly engaging in sex in front of your girlfriend's daughter. I know others have done the same, but I believe this is an uncommon experience. I cannot advise you on the legality of those activities. In general, it is illegal to knowingly expose children to sexual activity.

There is simply a lot of unknowns involved. Taking the wrong course of action at this point could cause far more harm than the actions taken to date, if they have or could cause harm. Your girlfriend and your actions have resulted in her daughter having a set of believes and expectations about sex, which at this point seem to be positive; she appears to be comfortable with her body and sexuality. Inappropriate actions by anyone, even by those believing they are acting in her best interest, could result in a very confused girl.

There is little factual information available on childhood sexuality. The information that is most often available comes from parental observation and adult recollection. This is not the most accurate means of collecting this information. Parents may observe and report only what they are comfortable and willing to. If they don't understand childhood sexuality they may not be able to recognize it when it occurs. In a society that is not open to the idea of childhood sexuality parents are likely to observe far fewer instances of childhood sexual expression than parents in a society that does, partly because their children learn to hide their sexual activities. If their children learn to hide their sexual activities will the parents observe everything their children do? As adults we may not remember our earliest sexual activities, or they become biased by the society we live in. If we weren't permitted to be sexual will we remember being sexual? If our childhood sexual partner was of the same sex, a sibling, or an adult will we be as willing to disclose this fact, compared to if they were a classmate of the opposite sex? Would we even classify those activities as sexual in nature?

Western society has traditionally avoided the subject of childhood sexuality believing children were not sexual, making it unnecessary or impossible to study. Perhaps some believed childhood sexuality was the figment of an abnormal adult's imagination. If it was studied it fell under the realm of "abnormal," because "normal" children simply were not sexual. If a child was sexual they must have been sexually abused, learned it from others. Researchers are not permitted to study and record childhood sexuality as it occurs, by observing and questioning children directly. Many believe studying childhood sexuality requires exposing children to sex or sexual information, and they believe this to be harmful. You cannot ask a child if they touch their genitals without implanting the possibility into their mind. You cannot see to what extent children are sexual if they are not permitted to be sexual. To understand childhood sexuality we often must rely on cross cultural and anthropological studies to find comparisons, to see beyond the confines of our own culture.

 

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The above information reveals the percentage of children who have been observed by an adult, a female primary care giver in the study conducted in the United Sates, and a male or female care giver in the Belgian study, engaging in the described activities. The children included in the results were not known to have been exposed to sexual abuse, as sexual abuse may influence the child's sexual activities. Overall the Belgian parents and society are probably more permissive of nudity and sexual activity than parents in the United states, which influences the results of the studies. This data may reflect what parents in conservative and permissive households in the United States may observe in their children. In your case one partner is more permissive than the other, which is probably a common experience in the United States.

If "normal" children engage in these activities does it make it "normal" for them to do so? Does the frequency of observation indicate whether it is normal/beneficial or abnormal/harmful for children to do these things? If only one out of one hundred girls has been observed engaging in a specific sexual activity is she less normal than if twenty out of a hundred girls has been observed doing the same? How many engage in these activities but have not been observed by a parent?

This study does not indicate the lasting affects of these activities, positive or negative, on the child. Is an openly sexual child more or less likely to to have a healthy sexuality as an adult? Does more anxiety and shame result from masturbating or touching an adult's genitals? It probably depends on the individual child and the circumstances. What about the anxiety experienced by the adult on observing or experiencing these activities? What is the result of the compounded anxiety of child and adult, or lack there of? There is likely more anxiety experienced by children and their parents in the United States than in Belgium, if the United States is overall more conservative than Belgium.

If childhood nudity is permitted in a home are we more likely to witness it? If adult nudity is permitted in a home are we more likely to witness childhood nudity? If children are permitted to explore their body openly are we more like to witness it? If we encourage exploration of their body are we more likely to witness it? If children are permitted to be sexual are we more likely to witness them being sexual? Is sexuality instinctive, intuitive, and/or learned? If children witness adult sexual activity are they likely to  mimic those activities? Does a child need to see a sexual activity, say intercourse, to engage in an activity that looks the same to the observer? Don't children learn from peers and older children too? If a child is comfortable with their and their parent's body, they feel secure in the presence of the parent, enjoys the warmth of their parent's body, may they not rub their genitals against that parent's body when they are in bed together, or simply sitting together fully clothed? Would a child need to have seen adults engaging in intercourse to be motivated to do this? Could it be intuitive, or the result of prior learning, say rubbing their genitals against a bed or chair? A child mimics what they see parents do, as part of the natural process of learning to be an adult in any given society. Is it then abnormal for a female child to mimic her mother's sexual activities, with her mother's sexual partner, after first witnessing these same activities? If a child is raised in a home where nudity is not permitted, physical intimacy and sexuality is not openly expressed by their parents, and sexuality is not discussed does this mean the child will never engage in sexual activities alone, with peers, siblings, or adults? Which child is more likely to experience anxiety as a result of these experiences? Which child is likely to have a more positive memories of those experiences? Is one more likely than the other to be confused about their sexuality later in life?

To get an impression of female childhood sexuality and its diversity one only needs to read through the shared masturbation experiences women have submitted to this website. They demonstrate not only that girls are sexual beings but also that they are often very intuitive and imaginative, in spite of frequently being raised in very conservative households. They certainly experience anxiety to varying degrees, but this did not squelch their sexuality all together.

On the page about hygiene I address the genital hygiene of daughters. There I recommend open family nudity and that parents and children bathe together. This is in an effort to prevent the child from learning that they should be ashamed of or embarrassed by their genitals. A child learns much more from a parent's actions than their spoken word. If a parent hides their genitals the child will do the same, and they will believe there is something to keep hidden. I also recommend that children be allowed to explore their parent's body if and when they want to. If a parent and child bath together from birth onward this is likely to occur of its own accord. Many parents start requiring their child to bathe themselves at a young age and/or do not bathe at the same time so this never has the likelihood occurring. Children quickly learn their parent's genitals are off limit and that their parents do not want to see their own genitals, that their genitals make their parents uncomfortable. Rather than preventing curiosity this may increase it, resulting in voyeurism and touch a parent is not comfortable with, perhaps resulting in the child being punished.

I also recommend that parents teach girls to use a mirror to examine their vulva, and teach them the proper names for all the different parts. This is because without a mirror a girl cannot clearly see her vulva. Since vulvas are so unique, showing her an illustration may not help her identify her own anatomy. Showing a young girl an illustration of an adult's woman vulva may not help her to understand her own anatomy, and images of nude preadolescents are illegal to posses in many areas, as is showing children photos depicting adult nudity. If a mother is comfortable showing her daughter her own vulva then that is beneficial, but if a mother would be uncomfortable with this, she probably should not. If the child doesn't want to, then it would be harmful to force them.

I also mention the challenges parents may face if they follow this advice, when the child starts attending school and interacts with a greater numbers of children and adults. While it is my understanding that childcare providers and teachers frequently observe sexual activity in young children, you don't know what they consider normal or abnormal. It may depend on your community, or their understanding of and experiences with childhood sexuality. Parents probably do not question prospective childcare providers about their views on childhood nudity and sexuality, to know if they match their own. When a child attends school there is likely no control over what your child will or will not be permitted to do. In the United States laws usually require teachers to report suspected cases of sexual abuse, it is mandatory not voluntary. If and when social services and law enforcement becomes involved you don't know how they will interpret and enforce your local laws. Providing home schooling provides a means of limiting your child's exposure to morality, believes, and expectations that aren't your own, but only delays the inevitable.

While playing doctor is a common experience among children, you probably don't know how the parents of the other children involved feel about these activities. If the other children begin engaging in sexual activities at home, activities their parents are not comfortable with, that could have negative consequences for you, your child, and their children too. They may not allow your children to play together and/or they notify local law enforcement agencies. If your child initiates sexual activities with friends and family that could have negative consequences. Friends and family may see it as normal, amusing, abnormal, or shocking. How your girlfriend's mother would react is probably quite a bit different from how your mother would react. Since the United States has such a diverse makeup of people, experiences, laws, and religions you simply don't know how others will react to childhood nudity and sexuality. If you lock your child in your home and don't allow visitors that creates a short term solution, but creates other undesired consequences in the long term.

Why might a five-year-old resist wearing cloths? Cloths can be restrictive, the child may be allergic to the fabric or laundry detergent, their skin is sensitive to touch, friction, or pressure, not wearing clothes allows them to demonstrate some control over their body, for the first nine months of their life they floated naked in their mother's womb, they are rebelling against their parents, they are mimicking their parent, to provide easier access to their genitals, and to stay cooler. On the page about hygiene I mention it is not unusual for young girls to resist wearing cloths, and going without is healthier. When is harmful? If they are forced to, it is the only way of getting attention from adults, or if others react negatively and make them feel ashamed or confused. As your girlfriend's daughter becomes older she may become more modest, or she may not. As a preadolescent or adolescent she may or may not be comfortable with nudity. I knew one girl who at the age of five was very comfortable being nude in front of adults on a swim beach but a year later she was not. Some girls grow to be uncomfortable with not only their own nudity but also their parents'. I cannot explain why these changes occur, socialization may have a lot to do with it.

Why might a five-year-old masturbate frequently? It feels good, to experience orgasm, they are bored, to explore their body and its responses, to relax, to help her fall asleep, and to get attention. At what point does it become a reason for concern, or becomes inappropriate? If they repeatedly do it to excess resulting in irritation; more than an occasional over indulgence. They intentionally cause themselves harm. It is a symptom of the stress in their life; if they live in an unhealthy environment frequent masturbation could be a symptom of it. Masturbation is the only way they can get their parent's attention, positive or negative. They prefer to masturbate rather than engage in other activities on a regular basis; they may not like to be interrupted, which is understandable. Thirty percent of teens and women report they masturbate one or more times a day so should we expect preadolescent girls to be any different? I have witnessed girls and women masturbating in public, and surprisingly they were insignificant events, no one else noticed or if they did they did not react openly or negatively. Is a parent's anxiety over the possibility of their child masturbating in public justified? I gather teachers frequently observe young children touching their genitals and masturbating in classrooms, and I suspect many of these children don't do it openly at home nor do their parents approve.

Why might a five-year-old show her vulva to an adult? To get approval and acceptance of it, to share what she has discovered, and possibly to shock her parents and other adults. If your girlfriend made her daughter feel good about her vulva why not show it off? Wouldn't she want you to praise her vulva too? If her mother made a game of revealing her vulva, and she thought it was fun, why not do it with others? If a child is afraid of her mother's vulva, pretending it was a monster could have negative consequences, but it seems to be an appropriate, though unusual, means of addressing the anxiety a girl may have about her vulva in this case. If you reacted negatively to her actions and did not provide her with positive feelings about her vulva that could have negative consequences now and later. You want her to feel good about her vulva, and its appearance. If you reacted negatively then it is best to sit her down and explain your reaction, that she surprised you, that it was not expected, but also tell her her vulva is pretty. I receive numerous e-mails from teens and women who never heard positive comments about their vulva from their parents and others, and they have learned to be apprehensive about showing their vulva to their sexual partner. This adversely affects their sexuality and pleasure.

Continued in Part 2