The First Time
Page Two
The best way to envision the vagina that is not accustomed to dilation is to compare it to a clenched fist. If you held your hand in a fist for fifteen to twenty-five years the muscles would be more than just a little tight and ridged. As a result it would be difficult to insert a single finger into the passage created by your curled fingers. Imagine trying to insert three fingers at once! Needless to say it would be difficult and painful. The young woman who does not prepare her vaginal and pelvic muscles for intercourse faces this situation. The best way to prepare the vagina and pelvic muscles for intercourse is to follow the steps outlined above for dilating the hymen. Since the presence or absence of a hymen in no way indicates a woman's virginal status, there is no reason why a young woman should not. On the other hand, it certainly is not required of her, it is her choice.
A healthy vagina is one that is both strong and flexible. In addition to dilating and stretching the vaginal and pelvic muscles they should also be strengthened. The vagina of a virgin is tight because the muscles are atrophied not because they are strong. If the vaginal and pelvic muscles are not strengthened as they are dilated they may not develop the ability to grasp things inserted between them. This will lessen the friction between the vaginal walls and anything inserted between them and can result in vaginal penetration not being as enjoyable as it could be, for both partners. Young women should learn and get in the habit of doing Kegel exercises.
The best way for a young woman to learn to do Kegels is to practice stopping the flow of urine from her bladder when she urinates. Instead of just letting the urine flow freely from the bladder, get in the habit of starting and stopping the flow several times each time you urinate. With practice it should become easy. Once you get use to doing it while urinating and learn to know when your pelvic muscles are both tight and relaxed, start doing them when you are not urinating, while sitting in class, while at work, or while riding or driving in a car. Tighten the muscles for one or two seconds, ten times per session, as many times per day as you can.
If you learn to do Kegels before starting to dilate your vagina you may find it easier to do so. This is because you will know when the pelvic muscles are tight, and when they are relaxed. Before inserting your finger or other object into your vagina first tighten and then relax your pelvic muscles. This makes you aware of your pelvic muscles, and ensures that they are relaxed. Once you are able to insert at least the tip of your finger into your vagina you can practice grasping it with your pelvic muscles. You will find it easier to move your finger when the muscles are relaxed. Being able to relax your vaginal muscles will come in useful when a partner inserts their penis, and when a doctor needs to insert their fingers or a speculum during a gynecological exam. Having strong pelvic muscles can increase the intensity of orgasm. Kegels also increase a woman's self-awareness.
Since a woman's vaginal muscles are not under her direct control they are less easy to control and develop. The way to prepare them for intercourse is to use them, which means inserting something into the vagina for them to grasp. The way to relax them is to relax the whole body. If a woman is relaxed and her vagina is empty, her vaginal muscles are likely relaxed. When she is relaxed and her pelvic muscles are relaxed she can insert her finger into her vagina. She should feel her vagina, past the pelvic muscles, conforming to the size and shape of her finger(s). A woman's vaginal walls are not smooth, they are made up of many small folds or ridges of tissue since it must be able to adjust to the passage of a babies head.
A good way for a woman to prepare her vagina for intercourse is to insert a finger or other object into her vagina while she masturbates to orgasm. This not only gives her vaginal muscles some exercise but also allows her to get use to the sensations associated with having something inside the vagina when she is sexually aroused and experiences orgasm. This would also make the possibility of vaginal orgasm more likely since all the associated sensations are not foreign to her.
There is a medical condition that can prevent anything from entering a woman's vagina. It is called "vaginismus." Sometimes as soon as anything touches the vulva or the vaginal orifices the pelvic muscles constrict painfully preventing anything from entering the vagina. If penetration is attempted it is extremely painful. If penetration is repeatedly attempted the problem worsens. A woman who has a greater awareness of her body will be able to sense that it is her pelvic muscles and not her hymen that is causing this pain. Sometimes even if a woman is able to insert her fingers or a tampon without difficulty she will find herself unable to have intercourse. The cause of vaginismus is often a fear of pain or pregnancy, or the act of penetration itself. Other times there is an injury to the vulva or vagina that has gone undetected or untreated. An unusually thick or strong hymen can also be the cause. A woman who is in this situation should visit her doctor for a medical check-up in the accompany of her partner. In some cases it takes an extended period of time for vaginismus to be treated. It is less of a problem if a couple does not place too much emphasis on intercourse in their relationship.
Inadequate Sexual Arousal and Lubrication: The process of becoming sexually aroused is a complex process for women as described on the page about orgasm. It takes time for a woman's mind and body to prepare themselves for intercourse. Vaginal wetness by itself does not mean a woman is ready for intercourse. It just means something has sexually aroused her. A woman may be dripping wet after thirty seconds of sexual stimulation but she may not be ready for intercourse quite so quickly.
Women are often not physically ready for intercourse the first time they engage in it. The reason being, things happen to fast and as a result they are not adequately aroused. Once a woman consents to intercourse, the "real thing," they and their partner often see no need for all that other stuff they have been doing up to that point. Why play around when you can finally do "it?" The woman's partner has an erection so they figure she is ready as well. She said she was ready! Foreplay is often absent or cut short when a woman consents to intercourse which often means her body is not given enough time to prepare for intercourse.
The way to avoid this situation is to acknowledge that time is your best ally. It takes time for a woman and her partner to develop their basic sexual skills. It takes time for a woman to learn to trust her partner enough to be willing and able to make room within her body for their penis. A couple needs to take the time to explore each other's bodies, so they both learn to know when she is sexual aroused and ready for intercourse. The more time a partner spends exploring her vulva and vagina the more aware they will be of when she is ready for intercourse. I realize it can be hard for a young enthusiastic couple to take it slow and easy, but they should try to go as slow as possible. Sometimes it is better to spend two hours building up to intercourse only to both realize that she is not ready, than it is to ruin the experience for both of you in five minutes. The attitude should never be, "Lets just get it over with."
Even if a woman is literally dripping wet with vaginal lubrication she may not be adequately lubricated for intercourse. A woman's natural lubricant may be to thin, watery, to provide sufficient lubrication. The tighter a woman's vaginal and pelvic muscles are, the thicker the lubricant will need to be. Just as there are different kinds of lubricants to use in the engine of your car depending on where and how you use it, there are also different lubricants for women to use during sex depending on their needs. If you use the wrong lubricant in your car, it does not work correctly, the same holds true for the vagina. If a woman's body is not producing any lubrication at all, this likely means she is nervous and not ready for intercourse.
All couples should acquire some additional lubrication to apply to their genitals and her vagina when they first start engaging in intercourse. It is better to be overly lubricated than to not have enough. Applying the lubricant can be a very erotic experience for both partners. Only water-based lubricants should be used as petroleum based lubricants coat and adhere to the vaginal walls, which can result in vaginal infections. K-Y Jelly is a popular and readily available personal lubricant in the USA. Most stores stock this product and keep it near the sanitary napkins and tampons. A young woman can buy a tube of K-Y Jelly and a box of tampons and people will be less likely to suspect she is planning on having intercourse. Couples in their late teens and twenties can acquire other forms of lubricant at their local adult novelty store or through mail order.
Soreness: If a woman does not take the time or is unable to prepare her vagina for intercourse it can be very sore after the first few sessions of intercourse. If a woman bleeds there is at least one injury to her vulva or vagina. The site of the injury is likely to be very sore. The vagina may be injured if there is any resistance to penetration. The more force a partner uses the greater the chances of injury. In addition, a woman may use or strain muscles she has never used before. The more pain a woman experience during her first experience(s), the more injury there likely is. Pain is a bad thing, even during intercourse.
A woman with a sore vulva and vagina is not likely to be eager to engage in intercourse. She may do so only because she feels it is expected of her. Many believe the pain, bleeding or discomfort will occur only during the very first experience of intercourse. The body does not usually adapt quite so readily to penetration. This means even after the first experience, patience and additional lubricant are essential. Even so, a woman may find intercourse painful and rightly resist her partner's efforts to engage in it. This is normal and just means a woman needs time to heal. Once she is healed, penetration should be slow and gentle as her muscles may resist dilation once again. Just because a woman has engaged in intercourse once in her life does not mean she is forever ready for intercourse. If a woman does not engage in intercourse for an extended period of time, her vaginal and pelvic muscles may return to their "virginal" state.
The urethra is located along the upper wall of the vagina and can be irritated during intercourse. This irritation is commonly called "Honeymooner's Disease" because virgins on their honeymoon often experience it. The medical name for this is "cystitis." The irritation occurs because the tighter a woman's vagina is, the tighter it grips the penis, resulting in more pressure on the urethra. The thrusting penis then irritates the urethral lining. After a couple sessions of intercourse during which this occurs the irritation can become pretty severe. The irritation may allow bacteria to infect the urethral lining resulting in an infection. A woman likely becomes aware of this when she urinates and it feels like flames are shooting out from her urethra. Not a very pleasant experience. The way to avoid this is to prepare the vagina for intercourse so it does not grasp the penis quite so tightly. If this is not possible, a woman should drink lots of liquids, especially cranberry juice, and urinate before and soon after intercourse. Not exactly romantic, but then neither is a bladder infection.
- Vulvar Vestibulitis: Another potential cause of pain is when the vulvar tissue surrounding the vaginal orifice becomes inflamed; a condition called vulvar vestibulitis. The inflammation may be present prior to attempting intercourse, but does not make itself evident until you attempt to insert something into the vagina. It can also occur as a result of repeatedly attempting to insert a penis into the vagina when the hymen is thick and will not tear, or when the pelvic muscles are in spasm; a condition called vaginismus. The stress on the delicate tissues results in inflammation and severe pain. This is where the expectation that your first experiences with intercourse should be painful can be detrimental to a woman’s' physical and sexual health. Since a woman may expect to feel pain, she may tolerate it, and cause damage to her body or worsen a pre-existing condition. It is far better to slowly and gently prepare the vagina for intercourse than to use the brute force method. Pain is bad, period.
Links page, under Vulvar Pain.
The way to see if vulvar vestibulitis is the cause of pain is to use your fingers to press in on the tissue surrounding your vaginal orifice. Use gentle pressure. If it is painful, you need to see your doctor. Then examine your vulva with a mirror to see if your hymen is still intact and try to determine if it is thick and resistant to stretching. If your hymen is still intact, you may want to consider having a doctor surgically remove it. To determine if it is vaginismus, learn to do Kegel exercises so you can determine if your pelvic muscles are relaxed when you attempt intercourse. If you pelvic muscles tighten prior to or during your attempts to have intercourse, you may have vaginismus. If you suspect you have vaginismus, bring this to the attention of your doctor, and a sex therapist; most doctors do not know how to deal with sexual issues. Your can learn more about vulvar vestibulitis and vaginismus by following links listed on the
Both vulvar vestibulitis and vaginismus can be difficult to treat. If they are not correctly diagnosed or go untreated further physical damage may be done, and there can be a major emotional damage, for both the man and women. You may come to fear intercourse; which strains the relationship. The repeated experiences of pain can result in a woman developing vaginismus in addition to the vulvar vestibulitis. These medical problems should not be taken lightly. A teen or woman with either of these medical conditions cannot have vaginal intercourse and she should not be expected to.
The environment in which a couple engages in intercourse for the first time can have a major impact on their level of enjoyment. The place and time they choose for this event should allow them to feel comfortable, relaxed, and unhurried. The back seat of a car is not such a place. If you are worried that your parents are going to come home and yell at you any moment, it is not the right time. The place and time a couple chooses should allow for at least a couple hours of uninterrupted privacy and room for both partners to lay down next to each other comfortably. This means a bed in bedroom, a comforter on a living room floor, or a bed in hotel room are good places. The time should be chosen such that you can just about guarantee that no one will interrupt your activities for a couple of hours. It is usually harder for younger teens to create this environment than it is for older couples that have their own apartment, dorm room, or money to get a hotel room. One advantage of waiting to become sexually active
A woman's first experience(s) with intercourse are often a let down emotionally. Physical pleasure may be absent, and orgasm is most often absent. The actual experience may not live up to the hype. Afterwards she may not feel any different than she did before. On the other hand it is seldom a traumatic experience even if there is pain and bleeding since this is somewhat expected. It is only traumatic when she is forced or force is used, even if she consented prior to actual penetration. This amounts to rape. If a woman sees having intercourse as a sign of her affection or maturity she may be happy just having done it regardless of the physical aspects. A woman may enjoy it even in the absence of any physical pleasure. It seems there is just as much a chance a woman will find her first experience enjoyable as she is to find it a let down. Men, even though there is a greater likelihood of orgasm for them, do not often have fond memories of their first experience for the same reasons as given for women.
The reason young women often do not enjoy their first experience is because it happened to soon and they were hurried. They did it because they were pressured to or it was expected of them. She just was not physically and emotionally ready for intercourse. This readiness has nothing to do with age, other than experience "sometimes" comes with age. A twenty-year-old woman with no sexual experience is no more ready for intercourse than is a thirteen-year-old teenager. As mentioned above, a woman would normally engage in sex for at least ten years before having intercourse. Since this is seldom the case in our society women are often not ready even if they feel they are. The woman and couple who seek to make their first experience as enjoyable as possible should strive to develop their basic sexual skills fully before having intercourse.
How does a couple have intercourse for the first time? The desired place and time have been described above. The room should be adequately lit for the couple to see what they are doing but probably not so brightly lit that you can read a book. Candles may add a nice romantic touch. Do not have intercourse for the first time in the dark as it literally leaves you in the dark. If you are not comfortable being naked in front of your partner with the lights on, you are not ready for intercourse. Other than a single glass of wine or champagne, alcohol and drugs should have no part in this activity.
A good way to get ready for sex and intercourse is to take a shower or bath together. Wash each other from head to toe. Having done so, you will most likely feel more comfortable with the idea of manually and orally stimulating each other's genitals. After bathing you can stay nude or put on some sexy lingerie, even though you have just seen each other nude the appeal of dressing sexy does not change. During all of this there should be a lot of touching and kissing going on. Men generally need to make an effort to be gentle. Being to rough is probably the number one complaint women have in regards to men's sexual technique.
The next step may be to give each other a full body massage. Using very light strokes apply massage or baby oil to one another. This allows you to explore your partner's body and for them to get use to your touch. The touching of breasts and genitals is okay but should be playful. Tease each other. You want to stimulate the skin versus massaging the muscles, so your hands should glide over your partner's body not press into it. This meant to relax you both.
The next step is to give each other an orgasm. Sex and orgasm releases hormones that help relax the body. It will make vaginal penetration easier if orgasm occurs first and it helps take the nervous edge off and quells some of the sexual energy. A couple should be quite versed in ways of bringing each other to orgasm at this point in their relationship. The method used does not matter. A couple can even choose to watch each other masturbate to orgasm. Even couples that have not had sexual contact before can do this as it is likely that they both know how to masturbate to orgasm. A woman who has been using her fingers, a dildo, or other object to prepare her vagina may want to introduce this into their sexual activities at this point. If a man ejaculates at least once prior to intercourse it will lessen the chances he will ejaculate quickly during intercourse, as he is likely very excited.
At the start of intercourse a woman's partner is poised at the gate to her castle with a battering ram. Obviously it is easier for them to enter if she opens the gate herself. Since a woman needs to make room within her body for her partner's penis, she should be in control of intercourse and in a dominant sexual position. The only person who is really going to know what is going on inside her body is the woman herself. Even if the couple has good communication skills, if there is a problem, she may not be able to communicate this to her partner soon enough to keep from ruining the moment. Her partner's penis cannot sense what she is feeling. Her partner will not know if they are pushing their penis to hard or in the wrong direction. Only she will know these things, at least initially. Of course, it is possible for a woman to put too much pressure on her partner's penis, and in the wrong direction if she is not careful.
It is for this reason that a woman should be on top of her partner during their first experiences with intercourse. She needs to have full control over how her partner's penis enters her. This position gives her the greatest freedom of movement and control. She lowers herself down onto her partner's penis at whatever rate is comfortable to her, while controlling the angle of penetration. Another possible sexual position is for her to be on her hands and knees with her partner behind her. In this position her partner needs to hold still while she presses back and receives in their penis. This second position is the position our bodies are designed to have intercourse in, but it probably is not as good a position as when she is on top. There is also the standard missionary position where a woman's partner lays on top of her. Many women prefer this position as it is more intimate since they are lying so close together but orgasm is less likely for her.
After both partners have had at least one orgasm they can precede to intercourse. At this point she can sit on her partner's thighs with their penis before her. She should then start to masturbate or her partner can start to caress her vulva and clitoris. Her partner can stroke their penis or she can do so. A vibrator can be used if that is what the couple has found works best. They should make and maintain eye contract. When she feels herself nearing orgasm she should raise her body up and with her partner's help guide their penis into her vagina. She should then slowly lower herself down onto her partner's penis. The caressing of her vulva and clitoris should not be stopped unless it absolutely necessary, and then only momentarily. At this point she can choose to sit still or move about on her partner's penis. Her vulva and clitoris should be stimulated until she experiences orgasm. If her partner has not experienced orgasm at this point she can slowly move up and down on their penis until they do, unless she is uncomfortable. If they are not able to continue intercourse until her partner experiences orgasm they can switch to oral or manual stimulation. Prior to having actual intercourse a couple can practice this technique without actually engaging in penetration. Practice makes perfect.
The above technique is recommended only because it creates the greatest potential for a woman to experience orgasm from a technical point of view. This is because she is on top and in control, and she has the ability and option of stimulating her own clitoris to orgasm. It is not necessarily always the correct way for all women. If a woman is uncomfortable with the idea of this technique she is less likely to enjoy her first experience and is therefore less likely to experience orgasm. A woman may have no desire for orgasm and only want to feel close to her partner and chooses the missionary position instead. She may not want to be distracted from the sensations caused by the penis moving within her, so she does not want other types of stimulation to be occurring at the same time. The more experienced a woman is sexually when she has intercourse for the first time, the greater the likelihood she will know her desires and the means of achieving them. There is no truly correct way to have intercourse for the first time.
I do not wish the reader to feel I have anything against vaginal intercourse or penetration, I do not. I just do not feel it is appropriate for society to place so much emphasis on this one aspect of human sexuality. Sex is more than just intercourse. It is not appropriate to define heterosexuality as penile-vaginal intercourse. A couple that foregoes intercourse should not feel strange or question their sexual orientation. Couples who acknowledge they should not have children should not have to play Russian Roulette with birth control. I just wish to introduce or acknowledge the possibility of the existence of a thirty-year-old woman who has been married for ten years, sexually active with a partner for fifteen years, orgasmic for twenty-five years through masturbation, who has never had vaginal-penile intercourse. This does not mean she has never explored vaginal stimulation or penetration or forgone all forms of intercourse, she may enjoy anal intercourse immensely. This concept of female sexuality may seem pretty weird give our current social mores, but there is nothing unnatural about it.
While I see heterosexual societies emphasis on intercourse inappropriate, I also feel the lesbian communities almost universal condemnation of vaginal penetration is inappropriate as well. The definition of lesbianism and lesbian sexuality has often been based solely on the concept that lesbians are women who do not have penile-vaginal intercourse. This is more a political statement than statement of fact. Lesbians are women who are sexually attracted to other women versus men and whom find emotional fulfillment in a relationship with another woman. What that female couple does as a couple should not have any bearing on their lesbian identity. I do not think it is emotional, physically, or medically healthy for any woman to ignore or deny the existence of her vagina, or deny the possible sexual pleasures it can provide her. I certainly do not feel any society or social group has a right to deny her that.
The above discussion of virginity and a woman's first experience with intercourse applies to all women regardless of their sexual orientation. The gender of the woman's partner has been left undefined whenever possible, and while the reader may assume the penis is flesh and blood, it may just as well be silicone, stone, wood, glass, plastic, or a woman's hand.
The above discussion has pretty much ignored male sexuality and the male experience. The male experience probably is not much different than that of a woman's. The social pressures described are the same. Just as a man is expected to have intercourse to prove his manhood, a woman is expected to have intercourse to prove her womanhood, her desirability as a woman. The main difference men experience comes from having a penis.
Just as women often find themselves unprepared for intercourse and sometimes physically unable to engage in this activity, so do men. Contrary to popular believe men are not walking erections. While we do not talk about it or acknowledge it socially, there is no guarantee that a man's penis will become erect when he or his partners desire it to be. The pressures that accompany a man's first experience, which often occurs in the absence of any emotional involvement, can prevent erections from occurring. This is a statement of fact and occurs much more often than we would like to think. This has no bearing on a man's sexual partner. I remember from my high school days a hushed discussion concerning a boy who was not able to get an erection when he had the opportunity to have intercourse with one of the most desired virgins in school. If anything, the pressure of being in this situation is what made getting an erection impossible. It is the same social pressure on a man that compels him to have intercourse that can prevent him from getting an erection or ejaculating during intercourse. The supposed benefits of being male do not always hold true in reality.