Female Sexual Fantasy

Woman Masturbating Behind Pillow

We frequently hear mention of how the brain is our largest sexual organ yet fail to recognize the role it plays in female sexual enjoyment and orgasm. The brain is what enables the clitoris to be something other than just an extra piece of tissue. You cannot feel pleasure if your brain will not permit you to. If you caress your clitoris when your brain is not in the mood for sex, solo or with a partner, pleasure and orgasm are impossible, at least a woman's perception of these events are, even if reflex arousal occurs. Sexual fantasies simply get our brain in the mood for sex, and fantasies are our brain's way of telling us it is time for sex.

The common misconception that women are less sexual then men results in everyone believing women do not think about sex, let alone fantasize about it. We know men look at women and respond sexually to them, but we may not acknowledge the reality that women look at men and women and may respond sexually as well. Thousands of magazines are filled with sexual images intended and marketed for men, how many exist for women? It is commonly accepted that men have perverse and kinky sexual thoughts but women do not; women are maternal, not sexual, right?

If a woman does not see herself as being sexual she is less likely to feel comfortable with her sexual thoughts and fantasies. She may not recognize her sexual fantasies for what they are. When Nancy Friday started looking into women's sexual fantasies in the early 1970's many of the women she talked to did not know they where having sexual fantasies. Women were seen as romantic, not sexual. Women could not envision themselves as sexual individuals, so their thoughts could not be sexual in nature, even though they actually were. Prior to Nancy Friday's books, men and women did not believe women had sexual thoughts, or that they even had a need for them. When we accept that women are just as sexual as men, we soon realize they have just as many sexual thoughts and fantasies as men. When we see women as sexual beings, we can acknowledge that they too have perverse and kinky sexual thoughts and ideas.

If women are to enjoy sex they must accept the existence of their sexuality, they must see themselves as sexual beings. If you do not acknowledge this, deny it, then sexual pleasure and happiness cannot be achieved. A woman's hormones to a certain degree control her actions. When our body feels it is ready for sex, to reproduce, it tells the brain to seek out sex. When this happens we think about sex more often and with a greater urgency, we become sexual beings. While women's sex drives are often cyclic, as the result of their menstrual cycle, they too become horny and are driven to seek out sex.

It is not unusual for women and teenagers to complain that when they caress their vulva and clitoris they do not experience sexual pleasure, perhaps feeling nothing at all, being numb. A likely cause for this is her brain is not primed for sex, which means it is not ready to process sexual stimulation; it is likely focused on daily life and stresses. When the brain is not ready for sex, the clitoris IS just an extra piece of tissue. In this event is cannot possibly provide sexual pleasure.

A woman must accept the likelihood that she cannot simply place her hand between her legs and automatically bring herself to orgasm, as the experience of orgasm is not simply a mechanical process. For the most part it is a mental and chemical process. The brain controls the release of chemicals that make orgasm possible. If the chemicals, i.e. hormones, are not available even mental thought may not be enough to get your body ready for sex and sexual pleasure.

Photograph by Craig Morey
Photograph by Craig Morey

So what do women fantasize about you ask? Everything! Women's fantasies cover the full range of possible topics, from romantic non-sexual seduction to violent rape and torture. What determines the subject of a woman's fantasies? That is hard to say, but the thoughts that sexually arouse a woman are most likely determined at a very young age, perhaps even before puberty; preadolescent girls have sexual fantasies and women report 46% of them experienced sexual desire prior to or around the same time as their first menstrual period.

What subjects are normal and appropriate? ALL of them! Anything and everything that may enter a woman's thought process is appropriate. Women often try to censor their sexual fantasies, believing they are perverse and inappropriate. They do not feel "normal" or "healthy" women should fantasize about being raped, or having sex with animals, etc.

Fantasies are not real, in of themselves they cannot hurt anyone. Just because a person writes a book about murder does not mean they are more likely to kill someone, even though a book is nothing more than a recorded fantasy. Fantasizing about a perverse or illegal subject does not make you automatically more likely to do this in real life. You still know the difference between right and wrong, and this applies to sex as well. You cannot change what sexually arouses you, you may find new things, and something's may become less arousing, but once a subject becomes imprinted in our minds as being sexual it will always be sexual. A woman who forgoes sex and masturbation because these activities bring about unusual sexual fantasies is doing herself far more harm than good. If a woman accepts that all sexual fantasies are normal, she will find partnered sex and masturbation far more fulfilling.

When are sexual fantasies appropriate? While it may not always be appropriate to be having a sexual fantasy, women do fantasize while doing EVERYTHING. Women fantasize while at work, while folding laundry, when driving their car, even when talking to their mother on the phone, and during partnered sex, etc. While it is a bit dangerous to be doing it in some work environments, and while driving your car, because the fantasies and potential arousal and orgasm distract you, women still do it. It is also extremely naughty, which aids in the arousal process. Fantasies are a good and for the most part safe way of relieving boredom and exploring our sexuality.

Women sometimes feel they are cheating on their partner if they fantasize during partnered sex, especially if they are fantasizing about someone or something other than their current partner. Lets face it, some of us have a pretty boring sexual partner, who are as exciting as watching grass grow. In addition, their sexual skills may need a little assistance. Since many women probably do not fantasize about their current partner, fantasizing about someone or something else is not only likely, it is normal, and not a form of adultery. As mentioned above, you cannot control what sexually arouses you. If you need to envision your partner as a rapist, a sailor, another woman, or Rover to reach orgasm, you are normal and not alone. If you do not go with the flow, you will needlessly deny yourself sexual pleasure.

There are some common scenarios that are incorporated into women's fantasies and they are:

  • Photograph by Craig Morey
    Photograph by Craig Morey

    Surrender of Control: This type of fantasy allows women to be sexual without being responsible for their actions. If you are being raped or are tied up, you are not in control of what happens to you and must do whatever is required of you. If you are not in control, you still remain a "nonsexual-woman" even during the naughtiest of sex. These fantasies allow women to be openly sexual and explore different aspects of their sexuality, something many women cannot do in real life. While in the fantasy they are not in control, in reality they are, which is what sets it apart from an actual rape or abduction. Fantasizing about being raped is a means of expressing a desire to be sexual, not a subconscious desire to be raped.

  • Girl/Girl Sex: While often referred to as "Lesbian Sex" it is not appropriate to. Fantasizing about or actually participating in sex with another woman does not automatically make you a lesbian. Lesbianism is a sexual orientation, is more than just physical sex between two women; there must also be an emotional aspect, and sexual desire. Women are usually seen as soft, gentle, loving, and romantic, which is not how men are commonly perceived. A woman may desire these things in her sex life. She may believe that since a woman has the same anatomy she will be a better lover and more in tune with her needs. Even though a woman is not sexually attracted to other women she may be attracted to these "feminine" qualities. To a certain extent female/female physical intimacy is socially acceptable, at least when not done to exclusion.

  • Sex with a Stranger: If you have sex with a total stranger whom you will never see again you can be openly sexual without fear of being labeled. As with the above mentioned, "Surrender of Control," stranger sex allows women to be sexual when real life circumstances may prevent it. If your sexual partner is faceless you do not have to worry about facing them afterwards. In addition, having sex with a stranger, a person you just met, is naughty, a one night stand.

  • Past Experiences or Partners: If it worked in the past, it is likely to work again, at least in your mind. Remembering a special or unusual sexual experience can be very arousing. Sometimes it is fantasizing about what you could have done or what you wished had happened during a previous situation that excites you. Perhaps a previous partner was better at sex than your current partner. Remembering your "wilder days" can add spice to your current humdrum sex.

  • Acquaintances: Women are visual too. They can be aroused by the momentary visual image of someone, male or female, they meet or see. A woman may see a person and find them sexually attractive, as a result, she imagines having sex with them. A safe way of exploring sex with multiple partners.

  • Sexual Women: Sexual women have sex, hot naughty sex. Women who present themselves as nonsexual-woman in real life may like to imagine what it is like to be openly sexual. They may fantasize that they are a prostitute, a stripper, or any women who is "required" to be sexual as part of her identity. A woman may fantasize that she is dressed in a sexually provocative manner in a room full of horny men, and perhaps women.

  • Being Sexually Desirable: There are very few women who do not desire to be found attractive by someone. In her fantasies one person or an entire football stadium full of people can find a woman attractive. A woman can choose to look or dress in any manner she chooses. She can be nude or provocatively dressed in public. Her mannerism can be blatantly sexual. Perhaps by doing so she wins the attentions of a famous or powerful person.

  • Romantic Sex: Women often fantasize about being seduced and carried away on horseback, or the equivalent there of. These fantasies may not include penetration and oral sex, but they are sexually arousing never the less. Book publishers make millions of dollars from selling romance novels that are full of sexual scenes, or romantic, almost sex. Romance novels are to women what Playboy is to men, sexual stimulation. Romantic fantasies are a traditional form of fantasy that is safe as long as a woman does not confuse her fantasies with reality.

  • Being in Charge: According to Nancy Friday, as women have taken on an increasingly dominate role in our society, more women are taking a dominate role in their sex lives. They are calling the shots and controlling what happens. They may selflessly use men and women for their pleasure, at least in their fantasies. No more damsels in distress for these women, they are the heroine of their fantasies. These fantasies allow women to explore the role of being the dominant person during sex. They get what they want, using whatever means it takes.

  • Being Submissive: The person who is exerting the most control during a Slave/Master relationship is usually the slave, as the slave controls what happens. A woman who envisions herself being a submissive or slave is creating a scenario where she is not in control of what happens, but her needs are always met. In the fantasy, the master always does what the slave wants. This is another form of "Surrender of Control."

  • Ouch! That Feels So Good: There is a thin line between pain and pleasure, and hormones released during sex and pain may blur that line considerably. The pain perceived during fantasies can be anything from the mild discomfort of a bare bottomed spanking for being naughty to being severely tortured and mutilated. Sometimes the pain is punishment for being sexual, for being naughty. Women who fantasize about being spanked or punished were often times not spanked or physically punished as a child, contrary to popular believe, though they may have fantasized about it during their childhood.

  • Incest and Inappropriate Partners: Since our fantasies are often first formed when we are young, sexual experiences during childhood and adolescence can become the bases for our adult fantasies. Our first sexual experiences are likely to occur within the confines of our immediate family, whether it is a glimpse of your father's penis or explorative sex with a brother or sister. While incest is one of the major taboos in our society, it still becomes the topic of women's sexual fantasies. While not often discussed, these fantasies are also normal, and do not have any bearing on real life. Women who had non-consensual sex as a child may have sexual fantasies about the events that happened, this does not mean they were at fault or consenting to these activities.

  • Sex with Animals: While it is another taboo subject, women sometimes fantasize about sex with animals, usually dogs and horses. Animals they may have be exposed to as a child. Perhaps as the result of seeing these animals engaging in sex, or having an animal act in a sexual manner towards them, they find something about them sexually stimulating. Just another rare and unusual fantasy scenario that is perfectly normal.

I mention the author Nancy Friday above. She has researched and collected women's sexual fantasies for over thirty years and has published three books on the subject. These books are filled with hundreds of women's sexual fantasies, addressing just about every possible subject. The titles of these books are, My Secret Garden, Forbidden Flowers, and Women On Top. They are available at most bookstores. They are recommend reading, as they reveal how sexual and naughty women can be, at least in spirit. They also serve as guides for women wanting to develop their own sexual fantasies, or at least new ones. They also serve as sexual stimulation, to get one in the mood for partner or solo sex.

Published September 10, 1999