A Guide to Losing Your Virginity or Deciding if You Should Keep it Safe Part 4 of 4

How Do We Do It?

How does a couple have intercourse for the first time? The desired place and time have been described above. The room should be adequately lit for the couple to see what they are doing but probably not so brightly lit that you can read a book. Candles may add a nice romantic touch. Do not have intercourse for the first time in the dark as it literally leaves you in the dark. If you are not comfortable being naked in front of your partner with the lights on, you are not ready for intercourse. Other than a single glass of wine or champagne, alcohol and drugs should have no part in this activity.

A good way to get ready for sex and intercourse is to take a shower or bath together. Wash each other from head to toe; the genitals should only be rinsed with plain water. Having done so, you will most likely feel more comfortable with the idea of manually and orally stimulating each other's genitals. After bathing you can stay nude or put on some sexy lingerie, even though you have just seen each other nude the appeal of dressing sexy does not change. During all of this there should be a lot of touching and kissing going on. Men generally need to make an effort to be gentle. Being too rough is probably the number one complaint women have in regards to men's sexual technique.

The next step may be to give each other a full body massage. Using very light strokes apply massage or baby oil to one another. This allows you to explore your partner's body and for them to get accustomed to your touch. The touching of breasts and genitals is okay but should be playful. Tease each other. You want to stimulate the skin versus massaging the muscles; your hands should glide over your partner's body not press into it. This is meant to relax you both.

The next step is to give each other an orgasm. Sex and orgasm releases hormones that help relax the body. It will make vaginal penetration easier if orgasm occurs first and it helps take the nervous edge off and quells some of the sexual energy. A couple should be quite versed in ways of bringing each other to orgasm at this point in their relationship. The method used does not matter. A couple can even choose to watch each other masturbate to orgasm. Even couples that have not had sexual contact before can do this, as it is likely that they both know how to masturbate to orgasm. A woman who has been using her fingers, a dildo, or other object to prepare her vagina may want to introduce this into their sexual activities at this point. If a man ejaculates at least once prior to intercourse it will lessen the chances he will ejaculate quickly during intercourse, as he is likely very excited.

The Woman In Control

At the start of intercourse a woman's partner is poised at the gate to her castle with a battering ram. Obviously, it is easier for them to enter if she opens the gate herself. Since a woman needs to make room within her body for her partner's penis, she should be in control of intercourse and in a dominant sexual position. The only person who is really going to know what is going on inside her body is the woman herself. Even if the couple has good communication skills, if there is a problem, she may not be able to communicate this to her partner quick enough to keep from ruining the moment. Her partner's penis cannot sense what she is feeling. Her partner may not know if they are pushing their penis too hard or in the wrong direction. Only she will know these things, at least initially. Of course, it is possible for a woman to put too much pressure on her partner's penis, and in the wrong direction if she is not careful.

It is for this reason that a woman should be on top of her partner during their first experiences with intercourse. She needs to have full control over how her partner's penis enters her. This position gives her the greatest freedom of movement and control. She lowers herself down onto her partner's penis at whatever rate is comfortable to her, while controlling the angle of penetration. Another possible sexual position is for her to be on her hands and knees with her partner behind her. In this position, her partner should hold still while she presses back and receives in their penis. This second position is the position our bodies are designed to have intercourse in, but it probably is not as good as when the woman is on top. There is also the missionary position where a woman's partner lays on top of her. Many women enjoy this position as it is more intimate since they are lying so close together but orgasm is less likely for her.

Putting It All Together

After both partners have had at least one orgasm they can precede to intercourse. At this point she can sit on her partner's thighs with their penis before her. She should then start to masturbate or her partner can start to caress her vulva and clitoris. A vibrator can be used if that is what the couple has found works best. Now is the time to put a condom on if you have not already done so. Her partner can stroke their penis or she can do so. They should make and maintain eye contact. When she feels herself nearing orgasm she should raise her body up and with her partner's help guide their penis into her vagina. She should then slowly lower herself down onto her partner's penis. The caressing of her vulva and clitoris should not be stopped unless it absolutely necessary, and then only momentarily. At this point she can choose to sit still or move about on her partner's penis. There is no need to thrust; rocking your hips is more than sufficient at this point. Her vulva and clitoris should be stimulated until she experiences orgasm. If her partner has not experienced orgasm at this point she can slowly move up and down on their penis until they do, unless she is uncomfortable. If they are not able to continue intercourse until her partner experiences orgasm they can switch to oral or manual stimulation. A man should not feel he has to ejaculate inside her for this to be a "successful" experience. Prior to having actual intercourse a couple can practice this technique without actually engaging in penetration. Practice makes perfect.

The above technique is recommended only because it creates the greatest potential for a woman to experience orgasm from a "technical" point of view. This is because she is on top and in control, and she has the ability and option of stimulating her own clitoris to orgasm. It is not necessarily always the correct or best way for all women. If a woman is uncomfortable with the idea of this technique she is less likely to enjoy her first experience and is therefore less likely to experience pleasure and orgasm. A woman may have no desire for orgasm and only wants to feel close to her partner and chooses the missionary position instead. She may not want to be distracted from the sensations caused by the penis moving within her, so she does not want other types of stimulation to be occurring at the same time. The more experienced a woman is sexually when she has intercourse for the first time, the greater the likelihood she will know her desires and the means of achieving them. There is no one truly correct way to have intercourse for the first time.

Sex Yes, Intercourse Maybe

I do not wish the reader to feel I have anything against vaginal intercourse or penetration. I just do not feel it is appropriate for society to place so much emphasis on this one aspect of human sexuality. Sex is more than just intercourse. It is not appropriate to define heterosexuality as penile-vaginal intercourse. A couple that foregoes intercourse should not feel strange or question their sexual orientation. Couples who acknowledge they should not have children should not have to play Russian roulette with birth control. I just wish to introduce or acknowledge the possibility of the existence of a thirty-year-old woman who has been married for ten years, sexually active with a partner for fifteen years, orgasmic for twenty-five years through masturbation, who has never engaged in vaginal-penile intercourse. This does not mean she has never explored vaginal stimulation or penetration or forgone all forms of intercourse; she may enjoy anal intercourse immensely. This concept of female sexuality may seem pretty weird given our current social mores, but there is nothing unnatural about it.

Lesbians and Vaginal Sex

While I see heterosexual society's emphasis on intercourse as inappropriate, I also believe the lesbian community's frequent condemnation of vaginal penetration is inappropriate as well. The definition of lesbianism and lesbian sexuality has often been based solely on the concept that lesbians are women who do not have penile-vaginal intercourse. This is more a political statement than statement of fact. Lesbians are women who are sexually attracted to other women versus men and whom find emotional fulfillment in a relationship with another woman. What that female couple does as a couple should not have any bearing on their lesbian identity. I do not believe it is emotional, physically, or medically healthy for any woman to ignore or deny the existence of her vagina, or deny the possible sexual pleasures it can provide her. I certainly do not believe any society or social group has a right to deny her that.

No Penis Required

The above discussion of virginity and a woman's first experience with intercourse applies to all women regardless of their sexual orientation. The gender of the woman's partner has been left undefined whenever possible, and while the reader may assume the penis is flesh and blood, it may just as well be made of silicone, stone, wood, glass, or plastic, or be a woman's hand.

What About Men?

The above discussion has pretty much ignored male sexuality and the male experience. The male experience probably is not much different than that of a woman's. The social pressures described are the same. Just as a woman may be expected to have intercourse to prove her womanhood and her desirability as a woman, a man may be expected to do so to prove his manhood and sexual virility. About the only difference men may experience comes from having a penis; being the penetrator versus the penetrated.

Just as women often find themselves unprepared for intercourse and sometimes physically unable to engage in this activity, so do men. Contrary to popular believe men are not walking erections. While we do not talk about it or acknowledge it socially, there is no guarantee that a man's penis will become erect when he or his partners desire it to be. The pressures that accompany a man's first experience, which many times occurs in the absence of any emotional involvement, can prevent erections from occurring. This is a statement of fact and occurs much more often than we would like to think. This has no bearing on a man's sexual partner. I remember from my high school days a hushed discussion concerning a boy who was not able to get an erection when he had the opportunity to have intercourse with one of the most desired virgins in school. If anything, the pressure of being in this situation is what made getting an erection impossible. It is the same social pressure on a man that compels him to have intercourse that can prevent him from getting an erection or ejaculating during intercourse. The supposed benefits of being male do not always hold true in reality.