A Guide to Losing Your Virginity or Deciding if You Should Keep it Safe Part 3 of 4

Inelastic Pelvic & Vaginal Muscles: Many people believe the hymen is the sole cause of pain and discomfort during a woman's first experience with intercourse. In actuality, the hymen probably plays only a small part. The largest and strongest barrier to vaginal penetration is likely a woman's pelvic muscles. In addition, the vagina itself can resist and even prevent penetration because of its muscular structure. In order for anything to enter into the vagina it must stretch and dilate both the pelvic and vaginal muscles.

From the book A New View of a Woman's Body
Copyright 1981, The Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers
Illustrated By: Suzann Gage, L Ac, RNC, NP
ISBN 0-9629945-0-2 Pbk.

The illustrations presented above and below show the vagina and the surrounding structures. The open space shown between the vaginal walls does not actually exist when the vagina is in its normal relaxed state. The space exists in anatomy illustrations so the different structures can be shown more clearly. The vagina is not a "hole" or "cavity" in the body. The vaginal and pelvic muscles are highlighted in color to show their position within the body and their relationship to one another.

From the book Eve's Secrets Page 110.
Author: Josephine Lowndes Sevely.
Copyright 1987 Josephine Lowndes Sevely.
ISBN 0-394-55438-8

From the book A New View of a Woman's Body
Copyright 1981, The Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers
Illustrated By: Suzann Gage, L Ac, RNC, NP
ISBN 0-9629945-0-2 Pbk.

The above illustration shows the superficial and deep pelvic muscles, located just below the skin, that surround the outer portion of vagina, urethra, and anus. In the illustration shown below, the superficial muscles have been removed so the deep muscles can be seen clearly. Again, the vagina, urethra, and anus are not open passages inside the body.

From the book A New View of a Woman's Body
Copyright 1981, The Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers
Illustrated By: Suzann Gage, L Ac, RNC, NP
ISBN 0-9629945-0-2 Pbk.

Several muscles surround the vaginal orifice. The main one is often called the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle; in the above illustrations it is called the pelvic diaphragm. This is the muscle a person constricts when they stop the flow of urine from their body, and a woman uses while doing Kegel exercises to strengthen her pelvic muscles. There is also a set of muscles that lie on either side of the vaginal opening, they are often called bulbospongiosus muscles; in the above illustration they called the bulbocavernosus muscles.

The walls of the vagina are composed of two layers of smooth muscle, as shown in the illustration below. Smooth muscles are those that you cannot voluntarily control, like the muscles of your heart. A woman cannot grasp things with her vagina; she can only do this with her pelvic muscles. The muscle fibers of one layer are aligned so as to run parallel to the path of the vagina, that is, from the uterus to the vulva. The muscle fibers of the second layer are aligned to encircle the vagina. These muscle fibers constrict so as to grasp whatever may be inserted into the vagina, no matter whether it is a finger, tampon, or penis.

The best way to envision the vagina that is not accustomed to dilation is to compare it to a clenched fist. If you held your hand in a fist for fifteen to twenty-five years the muscles would be more than just a little tight and ridged. As a result, it would be difficult to insert a single finger into the passage created by your curled fingers. Imagine trying to insert three fingers at once! Needless to say it would be difficult and painful. The young woman who does not prepare her vaginal and pelvic muscles for intercourse faces this situation. The best way to prepare the vagina and pelvic muscles for intercourse is to follow the steps outlined above. Since the presence or absence of a hymen in no way indicates a woman's virginal status, there is no reason why a young woman should not. On the other hand, it certainly is not required of her and is her personal choice.

Vaginismus: This is a medical condition that can prevent anything from entering a woman's vagina. Sometimes as soon as something touches the vulva or the vaginal orifice the pelvic muscles constrict painfully preventing anything from entering the vagina. If penetration is attempted it is extremely painful. If penetration is attempted repeatedly the problem worsens. A woman who has a greater awareness of her body will be able to sense that it is her pelvic muscles and not her hymen that is causing this pain. Sometimes, even if a woman is able to insert her fingers or a tampon without difficulty she will find herself unable to have intercourse. The cause of vaginismus is sometimes a fear of pain or pregnancy, or the act of penetration itself. Other times there is an injury to the vulva or vagina that has gone undetected or untreated. An unusually thick or strong hymen can also be the cause. A woman who is in this situation should visit, along with her partner, a doctor for a complete medical exam. In some cases, it takes an extended period of time for vaginismus to be treated. It is less of a problem if a couple does not place too much emphasis on intercourse in their relationship.

You can learn more about vaginismus at the following web sites:

Vaginismus-Awareness-Network.org

Women's Therapy Center

Inadequate Sexual Arousal and Lubrication: The process of becoming sexually aroused is a complex process for women as described on the page about orgasm. It takes time for a woman's mind and body to prepare themselves for intercourse. Vaginal wetness by itself does not mean a woman is ready for intercourse. It just means something has sexually aroused her. A woman may be dripping wet after thirty seconds of sexual stimulation but she may not be ready for intercourse quite so quickly.

Women are often not physically ready for intercourse the first time they engage in it. The reason being, things happen too fast and as a result they are not adequately aroused. Once a woman consents to intercourse, the "real thing," they and their partner often see no need for all that other stuff they have been doing up to that point. Why play around when you can finally do "it?" The woman's partner has an erection so they figure she is ready as well. She said she was ready! Foreplay is often absent or cut short when a woman consents to intercourse which often means her body is not given enough time to prepare for intercourse.

The way to avoid this situation is to acknowledge that time is your best ally. It takes time for a woman and her partner to develop their basic sexual skills. It takes time for a woman to learn to trust her partner enough to be willing and able to make room within her body for their penis. A couple needs to take the time to explore each other's bodies, so they both learn to know when she is sexually aroused and ready for intercourse. The more time a partner spends exploring her vulva and vagina the more aware they will be of when she is ready for intercourse. I realize it can be hard for a young enthusiastic couple to take it slow and easy, but they should try to go as slow as possible. Sometimes, it is better to spend two hours building up to intercourse only to both realize that she is not ready, than it is to ruin the experience for both of you in five minutes. The attitude should never be, "Lets just get it over with."

Even if a woman is literally dripping wet with vaginal lubrication she may not be adequately lubricated for intercourse. A woman's natural lubricant may be too thin, watery, to provide sufficient lubrication. The tighter a woman's vaginal and pelvic muscles are, the thicker the lubricant will need to be. Just as there are different kinds of lubricants to use in the engine of your car depending on where and how you use it, there are also different lubricants for women to use during sex depending on their needs. If you use the wrong lubricant in your car, it does not work correctly, the same holds true for the vagina. If a woman's body is not producing any lubrication at all, this likely means she is nervous and not ready for intercourse.

All couples should acquire some additional lubrication to apply to their genitals and her vagina when they first start engaging in intercourse. It is better to be overly lubricated than to not have enough. Applying the lubricant can be a very erotic experience for both partners. Only water-based lubricants should be used as petroleum based lubricants coat and adhere to the vaginal walls, which can result in vaginal infections. K-Y Jelly is a popular and readily available personal lubricant in the USA. Most stores stock this product and keep it near the sanitary napkins and tampons. A young woman can buy a tube of K-Y Jelly and a box of tampons and people will be less likely to suspect she is planning on having intercourse. Couples in their late teens and twenties can acquire other forms of lubricant at their local adult novelty store or through mail order.

Soreness: If a woman does not take the time or is unable to prepare her vagina for intercourse it can be very sore after the first few sessions of intercourse. If a woman bleeds there is at least one injury to her vulva or vagina. The site of the injury is likely to be very tender. The vagina may be injured if there is any resistance to penetration. The more force a partner uses the greater the chances of injury. In addition, a woman may use or strain muscles she has never used before. The more pain a woman experience during her first experience(s), the more injury there likely is. Pain is a bad thing, even during intercourse.

A woman with a sore vulva and vagina is not likely to be eager to engage in intercourse. She may do so only because she feels it is expected of her. Many believe the pain, bleeding or discomfort will occur only during the very first experience of intercourse. The body does not usually adapt quite so readily to penetration. This means even after the first experience, patience and additional lubricant are essential. Even so, a woman may find intercourse painful and rightly resist her partner's efforts to engage in it. This is normal and just means a woman needs time to heal. Once she is healed, penetration should be slow and gentle as her muscles may resist dilation once again. Just because a woman has engaged in intercourse once in her life does not mean she is forever ready for intercourse. If a woman does not engage in intercourse for an extended period of time, her vaginal and pelvic muscles may return to their "virginal" state.

Cystitis: The urethra is located along the upper wall of the vagina and can be irritated during intercourse. This irritation is commonly called "Honeymooner's Disease" because virgins on their honeymoon often experience it. The irritation occurs because the tighter a woman's vagina is, the tighter it grips the penis, resulting in more pressure on the urethra. The thrusting penis then irritates the urethral lining. After one or more sessions of intercourse during which this occurs the irritation can become pretty severe. The irritation may allow bacteria to infect the urethral lining resulting in an infection. A woman likely becomes aware of this when she urinates and it feels like flames are shooting out from her urethra. Not a very pleasant experience. The way to avoid this is to prepare the vagina for intercourse so it does not grasp the penis quite so tightly. If this is not possible, a woman should drink lots of liquids, especially cranberry juice, and urinate before and soon after intercourse. Not exactly romantic, but then neither is a bladder infection.

Vulvar Vestibulitis: Another potential cause of pain is when the vulvar tissue surrounding the vaginal orifice becomes inflamed. The inflammation may be present prior to attempting intercourse, but does not make itself evident until you attempt to insert something into the vagina. It can also occur as a result of repeatedly attempting to insert a penis into the vagina when the hymen is thick and will not tear, or when the pelvic muscles are in spasm, vaginismus. The stress on the delicate tissues results in inflammation and severe pain. This is where the expectation that your first experiences with intercourse should be painful can be detrimental to a woman's physical and sexual health. Since a woman may expect to feel pain, she may tolerate it, and cause damage to her body or worsen a pre-existing condition. It is far better to slowly and gently prepare the vagina for intercourse than to use the brute force method. Pain is bad, period.

The way to see if vulvar vestibulitis is the cause of pain is to use your fingers to press in on the tissue surrounding your vaginal orifice. Use gentle pressure. If it is painful, you need to see your doctor. Then examine your vulva with a mirror to see if your hymen is still intact and try to determine if it is thick and resistant to stretching. If your hymen is still intact, you may want to consider having a doctor surgically remove it. To determine if it is vaginismus, learn to do Kegel exercises so you can determine if your pelvic muscles are relaxed when you attempt intercourse. If your pelvic muscles tighten prior to or during your attempts to have intercourse, you may have vaginismus. If you suspect you have vaginismus, bring this to the attention of your doctor, and a sex therapist; most doctors do not know how to address sexual issues. You can learn more about vulvar vestibulitis and vaginismus by following links listed on the Links page, under Vulvar Pain.

Both vulvar vestibulitis and vaginismus can be difficult to treat. If they are not correctly diagnosed or go untreated further physical damage may be done, and there can be major emotional damage, for both the man and woman. You may come to fear intercourse; which strains the relationship. The repeated experiences of pain can result in a woman developing vaginismus in addition to the vulvar vestibulitis. A man may find he cannot get or maintain an erection if he fears hurting his partner. You can read women's firsthand accounts in the Questions and Answers section of the website. These medical problems should not be taken lightly. A teen or woman with either of these medical conditions cannot have vaginal intercourse and she should not be expected to.

Here are additional causes of pain during vaginal intercourse:

Vulvitis - inflammation of the vulva that may be caused by irritation resulting from the use of soap, deodorant sanitary napkins and tampons, over the counter sprays, and douches. Please see the page about Hygiene for additional information on this subject.

Vaginitis - inflammation of the vagina that may be caused by infection or chemical irritation.

Low Estrogen Levels - the hormone estrogen is essential to a healthy vulva and vagina and medications, birth control, and natural or surgical menopause can result in the tissues becoming thinner, less elastic, and drier. When this occurs it is referred to as Atrophic Vaginitis. More can be learned about Atrophic Vaginitis here and here.

Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) - This is an infection involving the internal reproductive organs and adjacent structures. More can be learned about PID here and here.

Endometriosis - occurs when the tissue that lines the uterus escape the uterus and attaches to the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and surrounding pelvic structures. This tissue responds to the normal hormonal rhythms of a woman's menstrual cycle and can be quite painful. More can be learned about endometriosis here and here.

Pelvic Mass - More can be learned about pelvic masses here.

Scar Tissue (Adhesions) - More can be learned about adhesions here and here.

Ovarian Cysts - More can be learned about ovarian cysts here.

Bowel or Bladder Disease - More can be learned about these subjects here and here.

Did I Miss Something?

A woman's first experience(s) with intercourse are often a let down emotionally. Physical pleasure may be absent, and orgasm is most often absent. The actual experience may not live up to the hype. Afterwards she may not feel any different than she did before. On the other hand it is seldom a traumatic experience even if there is pain and bleeding since this is somewhat expected. It is only traumatic when she is forced or force is used, even if she consented prior to actual penetration. This amounts to rape. If a woman sees having intercourse as a sign of her affection or maturity she may be happy just having done it regardless of the physical aspects. A woman may enjoy it even in the absence of any physical pleasure. It seems there is just as much a chance a woman will find her first experience enjoyable as she is to find it a let down.

The reason young women often do not enjoy their first experience is because it happened too soon and they were hurried. They did it because they were pressured to or it was expected of them. She just was not physically and emotionally ready for intercourse. This readiness has nothing to do with age, other than experience "sometimes" comes with age. A twenty-year-old woman with no sexual experience is no more ready for intercourse than is a thirteen-year-old teenager. As mentioned above, a woman would normally engage in sex for at least ten years before having intercourse. Since this is seldom the case in our society women are often not ready even if they feel they are. The woman and couple who seek to make their first experience as enjoyable as possible should strive to develop their basic sexual skills fully before having intercourse.

Getting Prepared

The environment in which a couple engages in intercourse for the first time can have a major impact on their level of enjoyment. The place and time they choose for this event should allow them to feel comfortable, relaxed, and unhurried. The back seat of a car is not such a place. If you are worried that your parents are going to come home and yell at you at any moment, it is not the right time. The place and time a couple chooses should allow for at least a couple hours of uninterrupted privacy and room for both partners to lay down next to each other comfortably. This means a bed in bedroom, a comforter on a living room floor, or a bed in hotel room are good places. The time should be chosen such that you can just about guarantee that no one will interrupt your activities for a couple of hours. It is usually harder for younger teens to create this environment than it is for older couples that have their own apartment, dorm room, or money to get a hotel room. One advantage of waiting to become sexually active

Continued in Part 1, Part 2, and Part 4.