Vaginal Intercourse: Are Our Lofty Expectations for this Sexual Activity Realistic? Part 1

In Search of Nirvana

We are led to believe that if a heterosexual couple engages in vaginal intercourse they will discover nirvana, the ultimate in sexual fulfillment. Intercourse is said to be the absolute best sexual experience. It is after all what defines sex. It is "sex." We expect to experience intense sexual pleasure and an emotional connection with our partner during or as a result of this activity. The physical joining of our bodies should result in the merging of our spirits. While all of this is certainly possible, it is just as likely to occur during other activities. The rewards vaginal intercourse has to offer are no more, or less, than those possible when holding hands, kissing, giving a massage, and during mutual masturbation, outercourse, and oral sex. The physical simply cannot guarantee the spiritual. Intercourse should never be considered the ultimate sexual experience, but rather all sexual activities should be seen as potentially equally rewarding. The reason they are "potentially" equal is, we must take into consideration the uniqueness of the individuals involved.

Striving for Adulthood

Young adults often feel pressured into engaging in vaginal intercourse to demonstrate they have achieved adulthood. We have "sex" to prove we are men and women, that we are no longer children. We keep having sex because that is what adults do. This is what society tells and expects of us, as adults. On a personal level, we may come to realize after having intercourse for the first time that nothing has changed. We may not feel differently about our partner or ourselves. We may be left wondering what the big deal was. Participating in intercourse for the first time at the age of twenty or thirty may not cause us to feel anymore "adult" than if we had done so at the age of twelve. Intercourse may not fulfill our lofty expectations. Couples should not engage in intercourse for the sole reason of achieving or demonstrating adulthood, as it is unlikely to fulfill their expectations.

As many adults discover, adulthood is something we are always striving to achieve, but find is always just out of reach. We may engage in sex with a partner, graduate from school, vote, serve in the military, start a career, marry, have children, and buy a home, and in the case of women, start wearing a bra and menstruating, but find these events leave us wanting more. Adulthood is achieved not so much by what we do, but by how others judge us. Unfortunately, in our modern society, seldom does anyone ever tell us when we have achieved adulthood. We are left forever in a state of perpetual limbo, clearly no longer a child, but not quite an adult either.

Adulthood is a social status that no physical accomplishment can guarantee, without social recognition of that event. Many cultures have public ceremonies to provide a clear demarcation between childhood and adulthood, so a person is not left wondering when they have achieved adulthood. It should be noted that the concept of "adolescence" came into existence only recently in western culture, and leaves young people in limbo for ever increasing periods of time. When loss of virginity was closely linked with a public marriage ceremony, it was a clear indicator of passage into adulthood, and usually took place when couples were in their early to mid teens. Since a person may have partnered sex for the first time at any stage of their life, it is no longer a clear indicator of adulthood in today's society. Since we all live such varied lives, there is no common indicator of adulthood that applies to everyone.

Unrealistic Expectations

Vaginal intercourse is one aspect of female sexuality that has a lot of misinformation and confusion surrounding it. There is a common expectation that women should experience orgasm without difficulty during intercourse. Many women believe that in order for them to be a good sexual partner they should. Women frequently believe there is something wrong with them, because everything they have been told supports this believe. The media leads us to believe a woman should be squealing with delight and multi-orgasmic the moment a penis enters her vagina. This results in women faking pleasure and orgasm, to save face in front of their partner, to appear normal, mature, and to make their partner feel good about themselves. This takes an enormous emotional toll on women. As a result, sex becomes something many women avoid rather than looking forward to, understandably. The same expectations and consequences apply equally to men.

Freud Led Many Astray

Thanks to Freud and others, many people have been led to believe "mature women" have vaginal orgasms and "immature girls" have clitoral orgasms. We are told girls may masturbate but women should only desire and enjoy vaginal intercourse. This simply is not a reasonable expectation, as the clitoris is most often a woman's primary erogenous zone, as a result of having the greatest density of nerve endings. The vagina does not have this high concentration of nerve endings, and is usually less sensitive to stimulation. Anatomy, not sexual maturity, dictates that the majority of women require clitoral stimulation if they are too experience orgasm. It is my understanding that prior to Freud everyone knew the clitoris was most often the center of female sexual pleasure. Freud basically made up his theories, and they were never proven to be true.

Vaginal Orgasm

The presence of a female prostate gland, commonly known as the G-Spot, lends support to the idea that clitoral and vaginal orgasms are uniquely different types of orgasms. Not only may the stimulation feel different, so may the resulting orgasm. Some women experience both while others experience one but not the other. A person should not take the position that women must experience both, or that one is better than the other. Women that experience both, or one or the other, are not automatically happier or more satisfied lovers. At present, I would say clitoral orgasms are the most common experience, as mentioned on the page about vaginal orgasms. We are just now learning about, and accepting, what some women have always known, that is the existence and role of the female prostate gland in female sexual pleasure. Many women have prevented vaginal orgasms from occurring, as there is often a sensation much like the urge to urinate, prior to experiencing them, and many need to unlearn this response.

No Easy Answers

Unfortunately, the truth concerning vaginal intercourse can be very confusing. There are women who are very orgasmic during vaginal intercourse and love experiencing it. Another group of women find it boring and devoid of any pleasurable sensations at all. A third, and perhaps larger, group of women falls in between, they enjoy vaginal intercourse to varying degrees but are unable to experience orgasm as the result of vaginal stimulation alone, or do so infrequently. Many women discover intercourse feels "nice" but not "wonderful." Regardless of how a woman experiences vaginal intercourse she is perfectly normal, whatever that is.

Trial and Error

The only way for a woman to find out how her mind and body respond to vaginal intercourse is through experimentation and practice. There is no way to predict if a woman will be orgasmic as the result of vaginal stimulation alone, and this will likely change over time and with different partners and techniques. Factors like the shape and size of their partner's penis, the amount of vaginal lubrication, the strength of a woman's pelvic muscles, the presence or absence of a G-Spot, and the level of emotional involvement can all influence how enjoyable intercourse is. A woman's potential for enjoying intercourse is therefore not etched in stone. As a woman's emotional and physical states change, so do her sexual capabilities and desires. Couples should be open to the idea that penile-vaginal intercourse does NOT have a place in their sexual experiences together, for them intercourse is more a reproductive than recreational activity.

Note: Self exploration and preparing the vagina for intercourse are addressed on the pages about virginity.

Man-on-top, face-to-face intercourse position. From the book Masters and Johnson on Sex and Human Loving. Copyright 1982, 1985, 1986 William H. Masters, M.D., Virginia E Johnson, and Robert C. Kolodny, M.D.

Vaginal Sensitivity

The reason why women experience vaginal intercourse differently is partly the result of varying degrees of vaginal sensitivity. The vagina's sensitivity to different types of stimulation, touch, friction, and pressure, varies from woman to woman. The sensitivity of an individual woman's vagina varies as well. The inner two-thirds of the vagina is usually less sensitive to touch and friction than the outer third, and is most often sensitive to only pressure. Sensitivity also changes over time, as hormone levels change during the menstrual cycle, pregnancy, and with the use of prescription medications, including birth control. The type of stimulation an individual woman enjoys varies as a result. She may prefer the friction of fingers caressing her vaginal walls, a deep thrusting penis, the fullness of a large dildo, or other forms of vaginal stimulation. Since a woman has no control over the sensitivity of her vagina, and the type of stimulation she is most sensitive to, she and her partner should not fault her if her vagina is totally insensitive, or is sensitive to a form of stimulation other than penile, she is hardly alone.

Additional Anatomical Factors

While many have assumed the size and placement of the clitoris and inner labia influence a woman's orgasmic potential during intercourse, no correlation between these factors has been found to exist. A woman with a very small clitoris is just as likely or unlikely to experience orgasm during intercourse, and other forms of sexual activity, as a woman with a large clitoris. The distance between the clitoris and vaginal opening also does not influence a woman's orgasmic potential, though some misguided doctors have used surgery to shorten this distance; causing disastrous results not understanding the complexity of the vulvar anatomy. Others have assumed the clitoris should be sufficiently stimulated by the movement of the inner labia, this movement being caused by the thrusting penis. Since the size and shape of the inner labia, if a woman has inner labia, vary considerably from one woman to the next, this could not possibly be true of all women. The inner labia may not even be in contact with the penis during intercourse, as they are typically located nearer the clitoris than the vagina. When indirect forms of stimulation do occur, they are seldom in sufficient intensity and duration to result in orgasm. It is even possible that "vaginal orgasms" result from G-Spot stimulation rather than clitoral stimulation, meaning the clitoris and labia do not play a part in these orgasms.

Disassociation

Another factor that affects vaginal sensitivity is disassociation, the absence of a conscious connection between the vagina, or clitoris and vulva, and the brain. Social believes and expectations usually do not permit young girls and teens to explore and stimulate their vulva and vagina, and they may be reprimanded or punished when they do. Instead, they are taught to ignore, deny, or otherwise be unaware of these sensations, as if they did not exist at all. Since these are "bad places" only "bad sensations" can come from them, so they do their best to block them out. As a result of not touching and stimulating these areas the brain and body do not learn how to transmit and interpret nerve impulses from them. This may impair a woman's ability to experience sexual pleasure.

A woman or her partner may touch and stimulate her vulva and vagina yet she feels nothing, because her brain does not know how to process this form of stimulation. If the nerve impulses are weak, because the nerve pathways are undeveloped from lack of use, they may feel little or nothing. If the nerve impulses are strong, they may feel pain rather than pleasure, because the sensations are beyond the limits of what the brain expects and can handle. The sensations they experience may not be pleasurable or erotic, but rather associated with something bad, which means they can't be good or pleasurable sensations. They in turn learn to avoid partnered sex, or participate in the activity only because they are expected to, believing everyone else enjoys it.

Interfering with or preventing sexual development can have major repercussions on a woman's sexual pleasure. The way to overcome this is through exploration and stimulation. By stimulating these areas while looking at them in a mirror and concentrating on the point being touched, a woman may learn how to connect with and be more aware of, and sensitive to, vulvar and vaginal stimulation. This is best done when alone in a quiet room with no distractions. The use of a dildo may be appropriate for vaginal stimulation, though the feedback provided by the fingers would be beneficial. The formation of this connection is unlikely to occur during a single fifteen-minute session. The key is frequent stimulation, five to fifteen minutes each day, and perseverance. Something to keep in mind is, as a five-year-old there would be no time limits or expectations placed on these exploration sessions. Any discoveries would be a total surprise. This means a woman should set no limits or expectations and simply be open to whatever happens.

The Role of Emotions

Our emotional state can significantly influence our physical pleasure. Our brain can cause a state of intense physical arousal, which alters our physical experience. This is particularly true when there is considerable emotional evolvement, as when having sex with a new partner, a person we love deeply, or a person we find extremely sexually attractive. This may also occur during puberty, when hormone levels are high and on a hair trigger. Chemicals released by the body when we are very excited in turn stimulate the brain causing a state of euphoria. We experience a "natural high." Not only do we feel wonderful as a result, we are also capable of experiencing increased levels of pleasure. The physical and emotional pleasure we experience can continue to intensify the longer we have sex, ending only when we must stop because of physical exhaustion.

There are women who experience orgasm during vaginal intercourse because their brain finds the activity extremely stimulating. Their thoughts are more the cause of orgasm than the physical stimulation. The idea of what they are doing, or whom they are doing it with, more than the physical act, triggers orgasm. This is not meant to suggest or imply the pleasure many women experience during vaginal intercourse is all in their head, it's not. It simply means the brain can have a significant influence over whether a woman experiences pleasure and orgasm during vaginal intercourse, and sex in general.

Arousal and orgasm does occur in the absence of physical stimulation. Many if not most women experience sexual arousal and orgasm while dreaming about sex at night, a wet dream, and during their daily activities. During sexual dreams sexual arousal is a common occurrence, but I do not believe this is the case for orgasm, for the majority of women. Most cannot will themselves to have an orgasm, it is not often that simple. For most, pleasure and orgasm result from equal parts of mental and physical stimulation.

One variation of the woman-on-top, face-to-face intercourse position. From the book Masters and Johnson on Sex and Human Loving. Copyright 1982, 1985, 1986 William H. Masters, M.D., Virginia E Johnson, and Robert C. Kolodny, M.D.

Clitoral Stimulation

It is the popular consensus today that the majority of women must have their clitoris directly stimulated during vaginal intercourse if they are to have a reliable chance at experiencing orgasm. If a woman's clitoris happens to rub against her partner's body during intercourse, the resulting stimulation is not usually sufficient in intensity or duration for orgasm to occur, unless a special effort is made to maintain this stimulation. When clitoral stimulation is left to chance, orgasm is much less likely. If a woman or her partner does not directly stimulate her clitoris she is much less likely to experience orgasm. According to a survey on this website, the average rate of orgasm increases from 37% to 60% during intercourse when additional clitoral stimulation is provided. The best means of doing so is by caressing and massaging the clitoris with hands and fingers, or a vibrator. Because of the position of our body's during intercourse, it is often easier for a woman to caress her clitoris than it is for her partner, and she is usually more proficient at it. This is in part why masturbation is so important to women and couples, as it extremely beneficial for a woman to know how to stimulate herself to orgasm.

The sexual positions that permit direct clitoral stimulation during intercourse are those in which a woman is on top, or where her partner is behind or beside her. While women may enjoy feeling the weight of their partner on them in the missionary position, this position is not very conducive to orgasm, as their clitoris is not easily accessible. When a woman is on top, she can reach down and stimulate her clitoris as she slowly rocks her hips, thrusting is not necessary. She can in turn use her pelvic muscles to grasp and stimulate her partner's penis. If a woman is obviously enjoying the activity it is more likely to be enjoyable for her partner. A woman can bring herself to orgasm, then her partner, if they both so desire. The expectation that a couple's orgasms occur at the same time is more likely to impair rather than enhance sexual pleasure and fulfillment.

Continued in Part 2

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