The-Clitoris.com - The Multidimensionality of Sexual Abuse, Rape, & Incest: Explores the sexual side of sexual abuse and incest, and sexuality within a family, Part 2

The Confusion Caused by Physical Pleasure

A girl or teenager who experienced sexual pleasure during an episode of sexual abuse should not, must not, deny these feelings, or blame herself. She should definitely not blame her body. Her body did not betray her, nor did her mind. She needs to place full blame on the person who carried out these acts, not her mind and body. This is true even if she "consented" at the time and looked forward to these activities. If you consented and found it pleasurable it is more than likely you were taken advantage of, exploited, and had your level of sexual development inappropriately accelerated. You are still "innocent." Your body does not need or deserve to be punished. Put blame where it is appropriate.

A woman who experienced sexual pleasure during episodes of sexual abuse can have a harder time learning to enjoy consensual sex than a woman who experienced only pain. If it was painful, it supports the concept that it was bad and wrong. You know consensual sex should be enjoyable and more importantly, "feel different." If you are in this situation, once you regain the ability to trust someone and are able to become intimate with him or her, you merely open the door to sexual pleasure, which can certainly be a door to a long, twisting, and up hill road. Teens and women in this situation still need to learn sex is enjoyable, not painful. It can take time and patience to overcome a conditioned response to sexual contact.

On the other hand, if you grow up believing that normal sexual sensations and feelings are bad and inappropriate it can be very difficult to learn to enjoy consensual sex as a teen and adult. Because all those sensations that occur during consensual sex may remind you of what took place in the past you may naturally want to remove yourself from those memories and the current situation. Consensual sex may not "feel different" from non-consensual sex. Unless you accept your feelings and responses as normal in BOTH situations you are less likely to be comfortable with your sexuality and sexual responses. A woman who experienced an orgasm while being sexually abused must be able to "honestly" say to herself that she enjoyed that orgasm just as much as she does those she experiences during masturbation and partner sex today. An orgasm is never right or wrong it is just an orgasm. The same applies to sexual pleasure. It can be a challenge for a woman to accept sexual pleasure and orgasm as normal and desirable if she associates it with negative experiences.

Abuse is not Sex

There are many incidents of "sexual abuse" in which no "sexual" component exists to them other than the fact they involved a person's sexual organs. These incidents are in actuality cases of emotional and/or physical abuse or terrorism. Today, rape is commonly defined as an act of violence, not as a sexual act. There is no sexual pleasure involved for either party, even if orgasm takes place. The perpetrator is only interested in controlling or dominating the person they attack. The victim becomes an object versus a person. A preadolescent or adolescent girl who wakes up in the middle of the night in her darkened bedroom to the sensations of a person forcing their penis or fingers into her nonexistent vagina is not going to have a sexual experience, she is likely to experience extreme pain and psychological terror. The same holds true of anal and oral penetration in the same situation. A girl who is terrified of her father or guardian is likely to be terrified of and by any physical contact with them. Women who experienced situations like this may not understand how pleasure could even be a factor in "sexual abuse," and adamantly reject the possibility that this could occur. For some the abuse may start out as described above but slowly transition over to physically pleasurable experiences, as their mind and body adapts and tries to and eventually does survive. Physical and psychological abuse can be incorrectly labeled as sexual abuse. Sexual abuse, defined from a sexual perspective, may be very rare. Some may argue that if it is truly "sexual" in nature it cannot be abusive.

Examining Abuse

Since sexual abuse can be and is often multidimensional a person who experienced it may want to explore it from different perspectives instead of just from a sexual one. This may help them to come to terms with what occurred. "Sexual abuse" likely consists of emotional and physical abuse and lastly sexual abuse. A key point to determine is whether there was actual sexual abuse or only emotional and physical abuse. A woman may need to break the abuse down to its core elements in order to understand her actions and reactions. Your relationship with the perpetrator, did you love or fear them, may influence how you reacted to the abuse. The situations under which the abuse occurred, did you feel safe or vulnerable? Did you know at the time what was happening was considered wrong and abusive? Were you physically beaten or punished, were you afraid this might occur? Was the "sexual" contact appropriate given your level of physical and emotional development? Abusive relationships are seldom like a simple black and white picture; there are usually many shadows and gray areas.

If you experienced sexual pleasure or orgasm, this should be considered separately from other forms of abuse. They can occur concurrently yet have no bearing on the other. If you did experience pleasure, remember that your body simply did as it was intended to, and the perpetrator likely stimulated you in an appropriate manner, as contradictory as that sounds. This does not mean their motive was appropriate. They may have wanted to turn your body against you, psychologically torment you versus give you simple pleasure. There is though a chance they wanted you to experience sexual pleasure, not wanting to cause harm; all abusers are not mean, hateful, or monsters. If you experienced pain then it was likely an incidence of physical or psychological abuse. Simply lumping everything together under the label of "sexual abuse" can have a devastating effect on your sexuality later in life. If it was not sexual, you do not want to incorrectly label it so.

The Sexual Child and Teen

There is a small percentage, the true number is impossible to determine as few would be willing to admit to it publicly fearing being ostracized by society, of women who did willingly engage in sexual activity with inappropriate partners as girls and teens. Force or intimidation was not used. These women do not feel victimized and resent anyone implying they are or were, or that they acted inappropriately. I have seen a couple women admit to or hint at these relationships. Sometimes they knew these activities were wrong, illegal, and considered inappropriate, but other times they were simply too young to know any different at the time. Others apparently mutually consented to sex with an inappropriate person, a close relative, during puberty, sometimes continuing this relationship into adulthood. One woman initiated sexual relations with two of her brothers as a young teen. A couple women have hinted they had such a relationship with their father, or male guardian. While socially and legally we define all childhood sexual experiences as detrimental, some individual experiences seem to indicate otherwise. Sometimes it is the individual who must determine what is appropriate for them, allowing them to change their decision as their perspective changes with time and experience.

Some, if not many or most, girls are very curious about sex and explore their sexual feelings with whoever will permit it. Based on some women's accounts of their childhood sexual explorations, you have to wonder if they were not under the influence of a hormone induced sex drive even prior to visible signs of puberty. They knew it was wrong and that their parents and others would be very upset if they found out, but they still sought out sexual experiences with whoever would allow it. They were not necessarily always pleasant or enjoyable experiences even though they continued their exploration afterwards. Many of them may simply have wanted attention, and found acting in a sexual manner got them that desired attention. Some saw a benefit to being sexual. While I know society says otherwise, these girls are normal too, not promiscuous, sexually precocious, or Lolitas. I'm not saying all these sexual experiences were appropriate, just that the women look back on them positively.

Sexual Interaction Between Adults and Children

Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, and can be equally enjoyable for girls, teens, and adults alike. We are very social animals and children crave physical affection, and sometimes even sexual pleasure. Our children are also very curious and able to enjoy sexual activities with their peers. They can and do sometimes initiate sexual contact with adults. They do not necessarily "know" what they are doing or the possible ramifications. One woman reported how her eight-year-old son was sleeping with her because of a family crisis when he started masturbating by pressing his penis against her body; his actions did not bother her, her own resulting sexual arousal did. A former coworker reported a similar situation involving her six-year-old daughter. Children may mimic what they have seen adults do, in person and on TV. They are very curious about everything around them including their parent's body. Such activity should not be interpreted to mean the child wants to engage in a sexual relationship, give an adult sexual pleasure, or engage in "adult" forms of sex. Children are generally very selfish and unless something benefits them are reluctant to do it. Childhood sexuality is normal but not sexual abuse.

Sometimes an adult's actions can inadvertently or unknowingly sexually stimulate a child and increase or awaken their interest in sex. Many of the things parents normally do while caring for their child can result in the child experiencing sexual sensations and pleasure. During breast-feeding it is common for both the mother and child to experience sexual arousal, which is something neither has any control over; nor should they try to. Ever consider how often we bath, examine, and touch a girl's vulva when she is wearing diapers? Parents often joke about their infant son getting an erection when they remove his diaper, ever consider the possibility this occurs to our daughters as well; it does. How many parents bounce their child on their knee? Ever stood back and looked at how parents hold their young children against their body? I'm not saying what parents are doing is wrong or inappropriate; only that we have been conditioned by society not to notice. Since our children are reportedly immune to sex, we are supposed to be able to do anything we want to them without awaking their sexuality. This conflicts with some of what has been said above, but then society is full of contradictions. Society is protecting us from ourselves, at the expense of our children. While society denies or ignores it, we all interact on a sexual level with our children, and other people's children.

The Creation of a Victim

We create perfect victims of our children. We make it almost impossible for them to experience normal sexual experiences and development, and as a result they do not have the means to protect themselves from abuse. Our children are much more likely to have a negative sexual experience as a child than they are to have a positive one. Some claim this is because sex is innately bad, instead of placing the blame where it belongs, with society. Sex is all around us; it is impossible to hide our children from it. If you want to protect your children from sexual abuse, provide them with a positive sexual education. Do not try to hide them from sex that is what makes them perfect victims. If you want your child to know right from wrong, then teach them. If you do not want them to be harmed by sex, do not make them hide their sexuality in a closet. Ignorance is not bliss, it is victimizing.

What is Sexually Abusive?

What constitutes sexual abuse is dependent on a number of factors: the individual, their gender, their family, their community, the society in which they live, their religious, ethnic, and cultural backgrounds, and the different levels of government. American society and government as a whole basically says anything of a sexual nature that involves a child is abusive in some way and is as a result illegal. The other factors in a person's life may not agree. Often it is the context under which things occur versus the actual act that makes them abusive. If you are accustomed to being nude in the presence of your parents and others you may not feel abused if they walk into the bathroom while you bathe, but you may feel it is inappropriate for them to stare at your genitals. If you are comfortable being nude, you may think nothing of your parents taking a photograph of you playing outside when you just happen to be nude, but the American legal system now says that is abusive, which may not agree with the popular consensus. In European societies it appears to be socially acceptable for parents and children to talk openly about sex and their own sexuality, something that shocks many Americans. Many religions view sex as undesirable in any form, accepting and acknowledging only reproduction. Apparently, but no longer openly talked about, many cultures have accepted the practice of caressing an infant's or young child's genitals when you wanted them to go to sleep or wanted to comfort them. Other societies consider childhood masturbation and sexual exploration normal and desirable and are concerned when it does not occur. In American society there appears to be communities in which incest is accepted, but never openly talked about or admitted too. One woman mentioned father-daughter incest was common in her American community even though she did not experience this personally; she felt most of it was consensual based on her conversation with those who did. Sometimes this is socialized abuse and not positive sexual development for the individual. While we often try doing so, it is hard to judge what "always" constitutes sexual abuse. An individual can get caught in the middle as a result.

How Many Women have been Sexually Abused?

How common is sexual abuse? Some have calculated that up to sixty percent of women have been sexually abused at some point in their life. This would mean the majority of women, six out of every ten, have experienced some form of sexual abuse. Is the number really that high? I would adventure to say no. I believe people who see any form of childhood sexual experience as abnormal inflate these numbers. They are counting normal behavior as well as abnormal. They are also using mathematical models to extrapolate numbers that falsely support their claims. Since the actual or real numbers do not support their views, they force them to. They claim women are unable or unwilling to admit to sexual abuse, so they speak for them. I see a problem with this concept, it does not allow women to think and speak for themselves. Some claim sexologists intentionally underestimate the incidence of sexual abuse and are actually advocates of pedophilia, simply because we see all forms of consensual sexual activity as good and normal. A conflict in perspectives results in large differences in opinions. Again resulting in women being in the middle.

Having said this, there is no doubt that physical, psychological, and sexual abuse is common, far to common. I do not believe there are any accurate numbers that can be used to state just how common it is. This is because any number only applies to a small group of people, ignoring all the factors listed above that determine what exactly constitutes sexual abuse. Incidents of sexual abuse are higher in some segments of society than others, simply because peoples' views of what is appropriate and inappropriate varies significantly. Still, we often try to apply a single set of rules to everyone, as is the case of laws. This may in itself account for some of the under reporting of childhood sexual experiences and abuse. It may also result in normal sexual behavior being labeled as abnormal. If a woman does not feel she was sexually abused, she will not claim to be, even if others feel she was. That does not make her wrong or in denial. We have to be careful not to create victims out of people who do not want to be, or ignore those who are.

Incest

The incest taboo is reported to be the only taboo adopted by the majority of cultures around the world. It is considered the only "universal taboo." In reality, that taboo usually concerns incestuous marriages, reproduction, and not sexual contact. This is because several generations of incestuous reproduction results in a greater incidence of genetic birth defects. Socially supported or tolerated incestuous reproduction is bad for a society so they do not permit it. Despite our fears, the child born of father-daughter or brother-sister incest will more than likely be perfectly normal if it occurs very rarely within that family's genetic history. The only universal concept that applies to incest is that it is universally prevalent. We have just been conditioned not to notice and are as a result not aware of it.

The natural aversion we reportedly have to incest is the result of social conditioning not instinct. The proof of this is the number of siblings who engage in sexual activities as young children and teenagers. I certainly remember seeing many siblings engaging in sexual activities together. I know, we did not engage in penile-vaginal penetration so it really was not sex, wrong. Yes, it was definitely sex. We have just chosen not to see it that way so we do not appear to have broken the great taboo, to subject ourselves to society's wrath. We all want to appear normal. I'm not faulting the individual, but denial does not change reality.

The social ideal is that a man can find all women sexually desirable except his mother, sisters, and daughters, and a woman can find all men desirable except her father, brothers, and sons. Is this realistic? If you do not know someone is a member of your immediate family, will you automatically find them sexually undesirable? I would tend to believe not. I'm guessing there have been many incidents throughout history where close blood relatives engaged in a sexual relationship not knowing who their partner really was. The large number of incest and sexual abuse cases handled by our legal system would also support the idea that family members may find each other sexually desirable. Another situation where reality does not conform to society's expectations.

The Sexual Dynamics of a Family

If you put two people together, there will be a sexual dynamic to their relationship, regardless of gender and age. The dynamic for young children is they are mutually curious about everything, including things of a sexual nature. Add puberty into the equation and mutual sex drives can cause one to sidestep society's mores. Can you really expect two people experiencing a strong sex drive, who spend a lot of time with each other, not to occasionally act instinctively versus rationally to their biological urges, not to mention intense curiosity? As a result, incest between brothers and sisters, sisters, and fathers and daughters is probably much more common than we would like to acknowledge. The number of women who have experienced sexual contact with an immediate family member is likely higher than the reported five percent (brothers 4%, sisters 0.7%, and fathers 0.5%) because as adults we often do not look back at what we did as sexual, as dictated and desired by society.

Socially we do not acknowledge and as a result ignore the sexual dynamics that occur within a family. Society says children are asexual, a mother is maternal, and a father while sexual, is not so within the context of the family. A father does not have "sex" with his wife, the mother of his children, or any family member. We ignore the sexual dynamics between daughters and fathers, and brothers and sisters. There is also a sexual dynamic between a girl and her female family members. Ignoring these dynamics does not mean they go away or do not exist, if anything, it may cause them to manifest themselves in undesirable ways, perhaps in the form of abuse, not necessarily sexual abuse.

Fathers and Daughters

If a father is a "perfect father" during a girl's childhood, who is the one person she will more than likely be sexually attracted to when her sex drive starts to develop during puberty? Who is the one person that likely fulfills all her physical and emotional needs? Is there likely to be any other male she knows and trusts more? Based on her perspective, who would be the ideal father of her own children? Many may claim these are some pretty inappropriate and false statements to make, but then why do women often go out and marry mirror images of their father? Basically because their father met all their needs but one, their sexual need. As a result, they go out in search of a sexual father. A controversial concept perhaps? The "father figure" does not have to be the biological father, it can be a stepfather, a male guardian, or an older brother.

Most of us have witnessed some very close physical relationships between fathers and daughters. The behavior we consider cute in a girl is seductive in a woman. A young girl often learns if she acts "cute," her father will do as she wishes. As a result we often say, "She has her father wrapped around her little finger." We only hint at the sexual dynamics in this type of relationship. When puberty rolls around and breasts start to develop and new and unfamiliar sensations start to occur, a girl may explore her new emotions and physical sensations with her father or father figure, who may or may not be a willing or knowing participant. These new qualities may also drive a father and daughter apart since they cannot acknowledge, or act upon these feelings. Many fathers are no longer able to ignore their daughter's sexuality when her breasts develop as she is now a woman, sexual, not a girl, asexual and distances himself from her. The girl herself may be understandably uncomfortable with her new feelings in this regard or her father's new interest in her. The sexual tension may become so intense neither can stand to be around the other, or it is expressed in the form of other emotions like anger and jealousy. These sexual dynamics may also occur between brothers and sisters. The family sexual dynamics for a lesbian may be even harder for her to understand and rationalize, since they do not fall into the male-female sexual paradigm. Even in the absence of physical sex, there can be an incestuous relationship.

Mutually Beneficial Incest?

The question becomes whether there is such a thing as consensual and mutually beneficial incest. I am led to believe the answer is yes. I do not know how often this occurs, but it does occur. It may happen very rarely. I would guess brother-sister incest is more likely to be of this nature, as they are usually closer in age and are involved in the same social group. Their level of sexual development is often about the same. They both may have less control over their newly developed emotions and impulses and act impulsively. They are also more likely to naturally develop sexual relationships with others at some point, as is desirable and beneficial. Father-daughter incest is likely to be less consensual and beneficial because of the differences in authority, ages, and social groups. The father often tries to control his daughter in these situations, wanting her solely for himself, when she really needs to go in search of other sexual partners at some point. A girl may assume the role of her mother and become her father's wife, this is not a beneficial dynamic to enter into as she needs to develop an identity of her own. While father-daughter incest may start out consensual, it often does not end up that way. Certainly sister-sister and mother-daughter incest occurs as well, but since there is no penile penetration involved, it often is not defined as sex or sexual. Mutually consensual and beneficial incest appears to be one of those things society refuses to acknowledge, and as a result cannot exist even though it does.

Incest is not a form of sexual abuse, even though that is how we commonly and legally define it. Which is not to say an incestuous relationship cannot be abusive. In my Webster's NewWorld Dictionary incest is defined as "sexual intercourse between persons too closely related to marry legally." There is no mention of abuse, or that it is wrong, though we might assume so if it is illegal for them to marry. Of course, this definition also says that if it is not penile-vaginal intercourse it is not incest. This definition does imply mutual consent, which is why it does not constitute sexual abuse.

Does Society Victimize?

There is what may best be described as a lot of "extremely negative energy" directed at the subject of sexual abuse in American society. When someone mentions sexual abuse we automatically have a mental image of what it is and what has occurred to the victim. We "know" how she must feel and how "damaged" she must be. We force everything to meet our definition versus seeing the dynamics of each case individually. Our reactions to sexual abuse can punish both the perpetrator and the victim, since we expect them both to meet a particular paradigm. We direct so much negative energy at the subject, that often it is the victim, if they define themselves as such and some do not like this label at all, that gets punished in addition to the perpetrator. As a result, a girl or woman may be reluctant or outright fearful of acknowledging sexual abuse.

A girl will likely learn at a young age the results of reporting sexual abuse, and despite our best intentions, decide it best not to. She may want the sexual abuse to end, but does not want to place her life in further turmoil or sever her relationship with the perpetrator in the process. Remember, she may love and hate them at the same time. Her expectations may not meet society's. The American media and as a result the public tries and convicts a perpetrator immediately, without regard for the victim. We say we are acting in her best interest, believing she is incapable of knowing what is best for her. Are we acting in her best interest or ours? Are we perhaps trying to renounce our own true feelings? Why such mass hostility?

We have to be careful not to project our own views of what is appropriate retribution onto the victim. As a society, we failed to identify and acknowledge sexual abuse in the past and as a result did not protect our children. Perhaps out of guilt we may often times overreact, or react in an inappropriate manner today. Our own emotions come before the victims'. For these reasons there are children and adult women who do not want to wear the title of "victim" or even "survivor," because they desperately want to be "normal." They do not want to be the focus of so much negative energy. They do not want society to tell them how to act and feel. Society even forces girls and women who willingly consented to sexual activities with an inappropriate partner, and in some cases an appropriate partner, to be a victim. We say she is, so she feels she should act the role, to be normal, by society's definition. Society can victimize a person far more severely than can an individual, because while we can usually isolate ourselves from an individual, we cannot escape society.

Healing Through Fantasy and Role Playing

Author Patrick Califia explores the multidimensionality of sexual abuse and recovery in his/her erotic stories. While he/r stories are fictional and have a lesbian S&M theme, they address the multitude of feelings a woman may experience during and after these experiences. Through role-playing he/r characters are able to explore and acknowledge their feelings then and now. Role-playing the girl in charge or seeking and obtaining sexual pleasure may be healing for some. S/he explores the sexual dynamics of families as well. These stories may not be for everyone, but may help some, even those who do not engage in S&M and those with male partners.