Question: Ok, I am a 42 year old woman and this is an embarrassing question but I am not sure at all that I've ever had an orgasm. I have had many partners - several very long term and serious. After my last relationship ended (he met someone else while we were engaged after we'd been together 6 years) I was so traumatized that I couldn't even think about sex - I only thought of him and therefore it was emotionally too painful.

Recently, I have met a new man - unfortunately he is married but he finds me very attractive and I do him...we are taking it slow. Both of us wish he was single and don't want to do anything while he is married. But we have been having great phone sex. Just the sound of his voice makes me tingle all over and I have great desire to be with him.

Now, in the past I have only experienced great pleasure from vaginal penetration. A man performing oral sex on me has brought me no real pleasure. And I try to avoid it - because it feels like I am suppose to go crazy with enjoyment and I just don't.

So - I have never had what you would call contractions after intercourse or from masturbation. I gave up masturbating years ago because it was just frustrating for me. I would feel like something was about to happen and then nothing would and I would be so frustrated that I just started avoiding it. On the other hand - when I am with a partner I truly care for and feel comfortable with I get intense pleasure from vaginal intercourse and a great sense of calmness and happiness when it's over all though I wouldn't describe contractions of the vagina or anus.

During sex, I can't seem to keep myself quiet no matter what and if I am really enjoying it I pant uncontrollably and make lots of throaty noises and sighs and - well a wide range which my partners really enjoy and assume I am having multiple orgasms because I am so vocal and I just let them think that. I do feel satisfied afterwards but wonder if I am missing out on something.

Just the other night I had phone sex with my new guy and he was describing everything he was going to do to me when he got the chance and describing in detailing as if we were actually having sex and it was soooooo incredible and of course I was noisy and it felt so good afterwards. I was completely happy until he asked me how many times I had come and did I have contractions and do I ejaculate when I cum and I told him he'd just have to find out for real. But I got off the phone feeling like a total fake and that maybe what I experience is not orgasm at all but just what I've come to settle for.

What do you think? After totally reading your website - I have decided to really try to masturbate. My clitoris seems to be hidden and there is no hood or if there is one it is very very smooth. When I have used a vibrator on it in the past - it became too irritating. I had thought I was going through life just trying to be happy with the experiences I've had. But now I worry that perhaps my most serious past relationships ended because they guy figured out I wasn't orgasmic. And this new guy thinks I am so hot and so sexual and he's so turned on by me that I am scared to disappoint him when we finally do get together. I thought I might be honest with him and tell him that I don't experience clitoral orgasms only vaginal ones and thought maybe that would be ok. But now I wonder if I even have those.

He already knows I don't masturbate. He told me he was so impressed when he met me and found out it had been 4 years since my relationship broke up and that I hadn't had sex with anyone and that he was so impressed that I could masturbate to climax. I did tell him the truth there - that I didn't masturbate - that I couldn't come masturbating - that I could get close but not all the way and that it had been too emotionally draining for me to do it anyway since my break up. I think he thought this strange but was complimented by the fact that he turns me on so much that I can do it while on the phone with him.

But now I am afraid if I am not some sex machine when we finally are together - he will be so disappointed. That I have to be able to come with clitoral stimulation. Oh, I have been using the handle a brush pumped in and out of my vagina when on the phone with him and it gives me great pleasure as I've said but he is always asking me if I am touching my clit and I lie and say I am because if I do - it won't get me anywhere - and he'll be disappointed.

Please help! Am I totally weird or what?

Answer: There is no need to feel embarrassed, your experiences are very common among women, even among those who experience orgasm. It is not unusual for women to discover their sexuality later in life rather than during their teens and twenties, because of social and partners expectations and pressures. It may not be until your thirties, forties, or later that you have time for yourself, or come to realize that something is missing from your life and sexuality. The magic of sex did not magically appear.

You are caught between social and partner expectations and reality, as most women are.
The first thing you must ask yourself is, do you want to have an orgasm for yourself, for selfish reasons? To experience orgasm you first need to be self-motivated. If YOU don't want to experience orgasm, you will NOT. What your partner and society want means nothing and can place unnecessary and inappropriate pressure on you and make sex less enjoyable for you.

If you don't need or want to experience orgasm that is certainly acceptable. Let you partner know you enjoy partnered sex and intercourse, as demonstrated by your reactions to sex, but you cannot and do not need or want to experience orgasm. We place too much emphasis on orgasm, as mentioned on a couple of the articles on this website. If your partner cannot accept this, it is their problem not yours. You are not some mountain for them to conquer, to achieve a sense of false pride.

A copy of the magazine Jane I picked up tonight has a survey that found only 43% of women are saying they always experience orgasm during sex, and to be honest I am surprised it is that high.

If you want to try and learn how to experience orgasm then it is time to explore masturbation again. Partner sex could confuse things, so hold off on trying that until you are done experimenting. The emotional aspects of partnered sex could also confuse things, if you try to fulfill their and your sexual expectations and needs at the same time. For now, focus on your needs.

First, read the section on Sexual Desire. Desire must come before all else. Then read the article written For Pre-Orgasmic Women, then the section about Masturbation, including the shared masturbation experiences. Then schedule time to make love to yourself, perhaps an hour once or twice a week. Use Fantasy to get your brain involved in the arousal process, don't rely on physical stimulation alone. If you are not already aroused your clitoris will either be numb or overly sensitive to stimulation.

I recommend getting Betty Dodson's book Sex For One: The Joys of Selfloving and perhaps her video "Selfloving." I am make this recommendation because given your situation, I believe it will provide the information and emotional support necessary for you to explore your body and sexuality and to better understand them. A strong vibrator, like the Hitachi Magic Wand may provide the stimulation necessary for you to reach orgasm.

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