Question Part 1: How likely is it that I injured my erectile tissue while clit pumping?? I am really scared. I made myself this modified syringe, and I am using it, but I pulled a little too much once or twice. It didn't really hurt badly but it was uncomfortable. I am doing it five minutes a day and I'm very careful. I only move the plunger a few millimeters up and down for now, but I am afraid to injure myself if my hand slips. If that happens, can the body repair the damage, or is it lost forever???I feel I have trouble getting aroused because the blood doesn't flow into my genitals well. I don't really think my clit swells a lot or becomes firm when I masturbate. I can't reach orgasm either, although I've been trying for a couple of months now. Is there another to activate my circulation down there? Something safer maybe?? The reason why I think I have circulatory problems is that I have low blood pressure, and VERY cold feet, hands, nose etc, in winter, spring or even on not-so hot summer nights. Or could my orgasm problems be because I started off using a vibrator when I first Jilled? After that, I used a VERY intense water beam (much stronger than the vibrator even). I did that for a couple of months. Is it possible that I got used to these strong stimuli and now I am finding it hard to come manually because of this??? Please help, I am frustrated!!!!!!! And sorry, I got carried away!!! Thanks a lot!
Answer Part 1: Clit pumping is for the most part uncharted territory. There is not a wealth of personal experiences you can learn from. You will need to discover what works best for you, and your personal experiences will likely vary from that of others.
The clitoris is very sensitive so it is not difficult to cause discomfort or pain when stimulating it, or when placing pressure or suction on it, even small amounts. A moment of pain is not a reason for concern, it simply means you have applied too much suction and should reduce it. Pain and discomfort indicate something is wrong and should never be ignored. If you were to ignore the pain, that could result in injury to your clitoris.
If your clitoris hurts or is uncomfortable during the entire five minutes of suction, or after, that is a reason for concern. This likely means you are using too much suction. Another thing to consider is whether the pain is from the suction or the pressure of the syringe on your clitoris. Make sure the syringe is free of sharp edges, and you may need to switch to a larger device if your clitoris is being squeezed into to too small an area. Lubricate the syringe so the plunger slides easier, so you do not accidentally apply too much pressure; using an oil based lubricant maybe best for this.
You can put holes in the plunger shaft at incremental distances, to create a place where you can slip a straight piece of wire, like a paper clip, so you can set the same distance/suction each time. The wire will prevent the lubricated plunger from sliding back into the syringe, reducing the amount of suction.You may find some help and advice at the message board I have linked to below. It is graphic and extreme, so be forewarned. The women there may have some advice, but the guys will likely ask for pictures.
http://forums.newart.com/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl?board=Female
I doubt very much that you have harmed yourself by masturbating with your fingers, water spray, or a vibrator. It sounds like many of your concerns predated the use of the vibrator or water. Cold hands and feet are common for women, so I do not believe this is indicative of a problem. The problem does not sound like one of stimulation, but learning to experience orgasm, and letting go, surrendering control.
Many women do not experience a clitoral erection or significant enlargement of their clitoris when sexually aroused. The clitoral glans is always soft, and the body or shaft of the clitoris can be difficult to locate within the loose and soft tissue that surrounds it. The shaft lies between your clitoral glans and your pubic bone, and that distance indicates the length of your clitoral shaft. If your clitoral glans is sensitive to sexual stimulation, I would not worry about whether your experience an "erection" or can locate the body of your clitoris, as it does not directly influence you ability to experience orgasm. It is certainly nice to know where the shaft of your clitoris is located and whether it becomes firm when you are aroused, but it is not necessary for you to know this if you seek to learn how to experience orgasm.
Please see Q&A page 7 Question #8 to see if the information there is of help to you. There is also detailed information on learning how to experience orgasm on the page Information for Pre-orgasmic Women in the Orgasm section of the website. It may help you to understand the problem. After reading it, please feel free to write back with any further questions or comments.
Question Part 2: Thanks a lot for your reply, and the advice on the clit pumping. My cold hands and feet though, I wouldn't consider normal because they turn blue and violet and I don't think women have that a lot. At least not those I know, but I will see a physician about it.
I apologize if this e-mail ends up being too long, I know you have a lot to do. But I really don't know where to turn, and I do appreciate your help very much, since I feel you have a very good understanding of the female nature. My problem is that I live in an Islamic country, so there is actually no way of finding a doctor who is willing to talk about sexual problems unfortunately :(.
Here is my problem in more detail. I understand that you probably can't give me a specific answer, but maybe you could give me a hint?:
My situation is a bit twisted...and there may be psychological reasons for my worries, but I am not sure. I have been in love with this man for two years - on-line. He is American, and since I am half-German (yes, the other half is Arab :) ) and always had trouble with the Middle Eastern mode of thinking, he is my main person to talk to. Not only my love, but my very best friend, and of course the "object" of my sexual desire:). But I have never seen him, except on web cam and I have never touched him or been touched by any man in my life, due to the traditions. I am 21, Muslim, and still a virgin, understandably.
I had a blood test done recently, due to my menstrual problems, and my testosterone was in fact even a bit higher than the normal range, while my progesterone was very very low. I do get my period every month, sometimes with a slight shift but I wouldn't call it serious. My main concern is that my period is very light, I mean the amount of blood is very little, and the bleeding actually only lasts one to two days. I am thin but not underweight. I am keeping a diary with my basal body temperature, mood, masturbation etc. But I still can't show it to a doctor, since I am claiming that I am doing the blood tests and temperature measurements because I am concerned about not being able to conceive one day. Yes, that does not necessarily diagnose my sexual problems, but as long as I am in Jordan it's the best I can do to get as close as possible to an answer.
When I was a kid, even before ten years of age I remember suffering for many years from "something bothering me down there". Back then I didn't know what it was, now I believe it was sexual desire. It was not an itch, or something that would indicate a disease, but just an urge to put pressure on my vulva. I used to sit on the very rim of a chair or press my thighs together to shut it up. It remained in my teenage years. Then it disappeared and I was happy about it (I thought it was because I paid more attention to my genital hygiene now). At 18 it returned, and I definitely know THAT was sex drive, due to the sexual fantasies too. I have to add though that there was a stress factor, and soon the feeling disappeared. It's been gone for 3 years now, just like the other girl that e-mailed you, the only difference is that I am 5 years older.
A couple of months back I started to masturbate...it was not really a sexual urge but more emotional. And I guess I wanted to prove to myself that I was "normal". I had always been against it, and never dared to touch myself, but meeting Chris (my on-line boyfriend), who is sexually open, changed my attitude about it. I am very romantic and very in need of emotional support especially now that I miss him so much, but I am not as sexually arousable as before. I first started masturbating with very intense toys, muscle massagers etc, and now I am having trouble orgasming by hand. But as you said before, that is not necessarily an explanation.
I try to use sexual fantasy, but I can't really turn myself on. Is it that I need him? Should I wait until I am with him, and then see if it arouses me or not? I masturbate almost daily now, but I think it's sometimes just for fun , or simply to "practice". I don't even know if what I get is an orgasm or not. I don't really feel contractions, but it definitely is intense, I feel it like an "electrical current" that goes right into my toes, then it disappears, just like an orgasm curve drops. But maybe it is just that "point of no return" that I cannot get past? I like it, I a not afraid of loosing control or anything. Maybe I am just used to the more intense orgasms of the vibrator and that's why I dunno what this lighter one is?
Anyway, what bothers me is that I only get it when I really give a lot of effort: I have to squeeze my butt hard, stretch my legs, and even contract my belly muscles, move, and breathe loud to be able to get there. When I have sex one day, I can't always squeeze my butt and all these things! It takes about 45 minutes too. I have to do a good amount of rubbing to achieve anything. So since my testosterone is sufficient, I believe it may be circulatory??
Have I taught myself to hold back and thus killed my sex drive?? Do I need my boyfriend so much, with all his hugs and kisses, that masturbation just isn't enough for me? I am definitely sad and a little hopeless, because I want to meet him. But I have to choose between family and him (because my Muslim society will never accept an American Christian), so no matter which path I chose, I will be loosing, I feel. Yes there has been this black cloud above my head, because I know I have to run away from my family if I ever want to really be with him, but I don't think my depression is all that bad,.. to cause physical signs.
I have always had a lot of vaginal discharge but it's whitish yellow, not clear, so I assume it's the natural protective secretions of my vagina , not more. I don't really have WET dreams.
Do you have any clue what is wrong with me, or what I can do about it????
I got carried away. THANK YOU!!!!! I just wanted to explain things better to you, so maybe you could rule certain things out, or consider other factors. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read it, Regardless of the result :)
Answer Part 2: I recommend you seek a doctor's advice on your hands and feet turning blue, this does not sound normal to me, and could affect your sexual function. The importance of blood flow in the process of arousal and orgasm is addressed on the page Information for Pre-orgasmic Women.
The main problem I see is you are trying to live up to someone else's expectations of you rather than defining your own sexuality. This may be causing conflicts between your mind and body, as could cultural conflicts between you and your boyfriend. You live in different worlds, and that is significant in a relationship. There needs to be some degree of common ground between you.
You and your boyfriend, if you ever meet, need to acknowledge you both come from different cultures and backgrounds, and will have to work together towards achieving some common ground. It is very unrealistic to expect you will meet and everything will turn out wonderfully, in regards to all aspects of your life. Your relationship may be more fantasy than reality, for both of your, which could result in harm to both of you. Love and infatuation can only accomplish so much, in reality love does not and cannot conquer all.
Your trying to adapt a sexuality outside your cultural mores could be adding to your sexual difficulties. The anxiety of loosing the support of friends and family could curtail your sexuality. You may have to tackle and move beyond the separation of self from family and community before the sexual transformation can occur. This may be a physical and/or mental separation.
I thought the late President of Jordan had an America born wife, so is there not some acceptance of your relationship? It is only a religious conflict? Given the common origins of most religions and common ideology, it is unfortunate there is so much conflict between them.
Your progesterone level would normally be low during menstruation and prior to ovulation, days 1 through 14 of a 28 day menstrual cycle. It is important to know when in your menstrual cycle the blood test was done. Keep in mind that while knowing your reproductive health is in working order is good to know, it may not provide an accurate indication of your sexual health, since they involve different aspects of your sexual and reproductive organs.
It great that you are keeping a journal of your menstrual and sexual history. This is great diagnostic tool for not only doctors but also yourself. You will be able to look for trends. It is nice to know when you experience desire and when you are more orgasmic, during each cycle.
I suspect the itch or pressure you experienced as a girl was the result of a clitoral erection, or possibly clitoral adhesions or trapped smegma. I am aware of others who as young girls pressed their vulva against objects to soothe this feeling, or to build on it. When your clitoris becomes engorged with blood during sexual arousal, it may have felt full and warm. You might examine and identify the location of your clitoris and what it feels like when erect, and when not. You will need to closely examine your vulva in a mirror, as you examine yourself while trying to locate the source of different sensations that result from sexual arousal. This is likely to take a considerable investment of time, over a period of weeks.
Sexual desire is indicated by sexual arousal of your mind and body together, not physical sexual arousal in of itself. Physical or mental stimulation can result in sexual arousal, without there being true sexual desire, as is the case with preadolescent girls. At eighteen you likely experienced the onset of sexual desire, evident by the physical and mental sexual desire. Mental sexual desire is indicated by sexual thoughts and fantasies that occur spontaneously during the day or night. Wet dreams are a good indication of mental arousal, as there is less physical stimulation of your senses while you sleep, unless clothing or bedding happens to press or rub against your vulva as you sleep.
I suspect whatever was the source of the stress at eighteen still exists today. It could be the result of developing an identity that does not conform to your social surroundings, or the pressure on you to conform, to get married and have children. It could also be caused by school and work stress. Another possible cause is low body fat. If you are stressed and not eating your body fat will decline affecting your sexual and reproductive health. Stored body fat is necessary for the female reproductive system to work correctly.
As far as masturbation goes, you are a beginner who is trying to be an expert. You are like a two year old who is trying to run with adults. Your mental expectations have exceeded your body's ability. At 21, you cannot turn your sexuality and sexual pleasure on and off like a light switch. You need time to figure out how your body works, and works best. It is not about measuring, but about exploring and learning. It is about learning pleasure, specifically sexual pleasure.
The use of a vibrator, if your were able to experience orgasm prior during manual stimulation, may have conditioned you to expect intense stimulation, stimulation that is more intense than what your fingers can provide. Added to this is perhaps performance anxiety. You fear failure and not living up to unrealistic expectations of yourself, and this makes it more likely that you will not. You fail because your expect or fear failure. You expect too much of yourself, perhaps
It might be wise to set the vibrator aside and explore using only your fingers and hands. Initially it may not be a pleasurable, but in the long run you will likely discover what feel best to you. Explore pleasure and connecting with your vulva. Learning how to make a connection with your vulva is explained on the page Information for Pre-orgasmic Women.
The solution may be to explore pleasure and not orgasm. Discover what feels good to you, and sexually arouses you. Explore sexual fantasy, do not rely on physical stimulation alone. Fantasize simply to become better at it, not as a precursor to masturbation, but as a pleasure in of itself. Learn what mental thoughts makes your very aroused, gets the blood and vaginal lubrication flowing. If your mind and body work together, pleasure and orgasm are more likely to be the end result. At this point, work on getting aroused, and see how long you can maintain that arousal, by not allowing orgasm to occur. Make love to yourself, do not concentrate on your vulva and clitoris. Your entire body is a sexual organ.
The fact that you are needing to squeeze your muscles and require 45 minutes of stimulation indicates you are trying too hard, and may be masturbating for the wrong reasons. You have set a goal of orgasm which is a bad idea. You seek to have an orgasm to prove to yourself you can have one, this is not good. Forget about orgasms, seek pleasure. When and if an orgasm occurs, it should be a surprise. When you do experience orgasm there will be little doubt that you have. First you must experience intense arousal and desire. The average female orgasm lasts ten seconds, you may simply expect too much of your orgasms. In is not appropriate to expect fireworks every time you experience orgasm.
If you are experiencing depression, that will likely affect your sexuality, in a negative way, and desire and arousal will be more difficult, if not impossible to experience. If you are by chance taking antidepressant medication, it may adversely affect your sexuality and impair your ability to experience orgasm.
Question Part 3: Thanks a lot for your long e-mail! Yes, it did help!!
Honestly, at first I was gonna start arguing , but then I thought about some things you said and realized I need to be more true to myself. I am aware that I am a beginner, but when you hear that other girls, when they start masturbating, are more successful then you are, you have doubts .
This may not be the purpose of your web-site but I was wondering maybe I should completely stop masturbating, at least for a while? Cause I don't necessarily need it, and I thought maybe that would give me a little break, and chance to start all over, and maybe feel more when I try next time. Do you think that would be useful? Or should I keep "exploring"?
By the way I think that our former Queen converted to Islam and did the wedding and all the traditional Islamic way. But my point is that, in Islam the MAN is allowed to marry a woman of his choice, even if she is not Muslim, while a Muslim woman CANNOT marry a Christian or Jew. May sound like double standard, but it is actually a HUGE sin and I haven't heard or seen one case happening. Besides, I must admit that I am in the middle of a bunch of anti-Americans, which makes my goals even harder with Chris.
You are right, there will be problems, I am not expecting it all to be fine and dandy once we're together.
But I had a question. You see, a while back Chris mentioned the word threesome to me and I went crazy, like most women would I guess. He wasn't even really serious, but he just said that if it happened, he "wouldn't mind". I explained my feelings about that, because I definitely felt very hurt, and he in turn tried to explain to me that it was not a thing he was really expecting to happen in life, if I don't want it, he'll never bring the word up again, and that's fine. It would only be something that we'd do TOGETHER, I mean both sides willing, to "spice things up" one day if we needed it. He said he would have some concerns about a third person involved too, esp. if it were a man, and when he saw my reaction he said "OK I don't need it, it will never happen". It was not the feeling of inadequacy that hurt me, nor injured trust, but I just don't understand how a guy can say he loves his girl only, is very protective of her, very loyal and honest, and just nuts about her, and then say something like that. I found that many men think differently about it, and many often picture it even in the head (I know that in fantasies everything is allowed but even that would bother me). I thought I understood him, at least I tried to, but it keeps coming back, every time I read things in magazines and newspapers for example of men asking for threesomes, group sex or couples swinging, I get scared. I feel it should only be between two people. Putting the sexual adventure aside, I don't get it how LOVE can still happen under these circumstances. I know I am very romantic, very dedicated, and maybe even a little possessive, and just like, when I love someone, he becomes the king of all men to me, I want to be his "queen" too, no others involved in any sort of way. Just knowing that he THOUGHT about it, bothers me. Can you help me understand this whole threesome thing? Is it common for men to think like that? Can you (they) really separate love and sex? Cuz to me, they belong together! I don't think you addressed a similar issue on your web-site, that's why I'm sending this e-mail.
Answer Part 2: I am pleased to hear my e-mail helped you.
You may get the wrong impression of what the average woman experiences while learning to masturbate. The experiences on the website would seem to indicate all women learn to masturbate to orgasm quickly and early in life. Statistically, the majority of women do not learn until their late teens or early twenties. You do not get to see the many letters I receive from women such as yourself, who find masturbation to be challenging. Another thing to note is the differences in culture. Even though female masturbation is still a little taboo in Western culture, it is much more accepted here than in your culture. That too influences your ability to learn and enjoy doing it. It isn't just mechanical, but also mental.
I would encourage you to continue to explore your body. It is not only about direct genital stimulation and orgasm. It is learning to know and accept your entire body, what it looks and feels like when touched. It is standing naked in front of a mirror and admiring it, applying body lotion to it, and caressing and massaging yourself from head to toe. It is learning about your experience of desire and sexual arousal, what sexually excites you. It is learning to be aware of when your are aroused, when your vagina lubricates, your clitoris becomes engorged, and your labia swollen. It is learning to have a sexual brain by having sexual thoughts and fantasies. Learning and developing these skill and abilities will make masturbation easier, and help you to know when your want or need to masturbate. Maybe you need to masturbate once a day, once a week, or once a month, this you will not know until you understand your body. You should not focus on orgasm, but the pleasures of your body. I know it is much easier to say than do these things. You do not have a sexual mentor to help guide you, but then most women do not. You have to do the best you can.
I am sorry your community is anti-American, and anti-Western culture. That would certainly add to your conflict and emotional strain. It is challenging and difficult to balance your needs and that of your family and friends, especially for women. It is more difficult for you, as an educated woman in your community. You know other options exist, which causes conflict. Perhaps you need to seek out like minded educated young women for support and companionship.
In regard to threesomes. Men do not tie their emotional needs to sex to the degree women do, and are required to. Men can more easily accept physical pleasure without any emotional commitment. Men are much more comfortable masturbating than women. Society is expecting and permitting of this. Women have a harder time seeing sex as nothing more than a physical activity between two or more people. They are led to believe that in order to enjoy sex they must love their partner, which is not true. You do not need love to enjoy sex, and love does not mean you will enjoy sex. Society teaches women that if they have a single partner and fulfill all their partner's needs they will be happy. You have likely fantasized about how having a husband will make your life complete, and all your needs will be met, but this is not likely to be true. Love will not solve all your problems or make life grand.
Your feelings of insecurity are the result of society leading you to believe that if you fulfill all your partner's needs they will be happy and want and need only you. If they want someone else, you have not done your job. Everything becomes your fault. This believe makes you a slave to your partner, not a person who's own needs and desires are fulfilled. Society has basically lied to you to get you to get you paired up with a man and producing babies. Do you want to be a slave to your husband and family?
Some lesbian women enjoy threesomes and group sex, so it isn't just a male thing. While threesomes can and do occur for the wrong reasons, they can be about learning to share and enjoy physical sex with more than one partner. It is the visual and physical stimulation. Consider all the areas of the female body that are sensitive to touch and what it may be like to have them all stimulated at the same time.
Her
Follow-up: I am done with my questions to you, at least for now :);)But I have this little note about something you said. You believe that my attitude towards threesomes, and that of other women like me is because we feel we would not have performed our job, or we don't make our partners happy. While I can't speak for other women, in my case I don't think it is the fear of failing or fulfilling expectations. In fact if I had a partner who cheated on me, asked for a threesome or whatever, I would not feel it is my fault at all. I would blame HIM for not being satisfied with who I am like he should! It's more of a possessive instinct, I think. When I was a little girl I had this cat I loved so much, and it really bothered me to see others playing with her. Silly huh?? I guess it makes you feel special to "own" something - or someone! and have them all to yourself. And I am not the only one who behaves like that in love. I actually like the "knight in shining armor" -illusion although I know it's quite unrealistic. I will see my loved-one's faults but still view him as my "prince" :), and automatically I completely lose interest in all other men. I might say that this guy has a cute butt, like a visual thing, but there is no real "attraction". And its what I want from my man too. I guess people are just different in that area, when it comes to sharing sexual experiences. Maybe love is not necessary to feel pleasure in bed, but I really think it makes sex much better. I think I speak for a lot of women, not for all of them, but a lot still.
Yet I agree about the way you said I should approach masturbation from now on. I am keeping your tips and advice in mind :).
Thanks again, and keep up the great work with your website! Honestly, you don't get much question and answer type of help on-line, so I hope you stay as enthusiastic as you are now to answer each e-mail individually, or point the readers to the right place where they can read more about their problem.
Peace and love, :)