Question: I'm a 15 year old girl and still a total virgin, I have never even kissed a guy, but I have gotten to know my body very well and what makes it feel very good. I have an excellent friend, a guy, that I've known for 2 years. He's 17. It's difficult for me to get out because my parents don't allow me to have any "personal" contact with guys. We've told a few lies about who I'm hanging out with and where to get past my parents. We've agreed that he will "break me in", I trust him. There is only one problem, he's experienced with sex, very experienced and obviously I'm not. He always seemed surprised I was a virgin still. I'm 6 feet 2 inches, and have a stereotypical "super model body" from head to toe. I just don't know how I should act and respond to everything. I know I should just be myself, and I probably will. Is there any thing I'm missing completely? I feel like there should be more that I should do in this situation. Please help, I'm supposed to go to his house this Saturday. (By the way I like your web site, it's been really helpful)

Answer: It is wonderful to hear that you have explored your body and are discovering your sexuality.

Please see the pages about Virginity for much of the information you seek. Preparing yourself for intercourse and understanding the role of sexual development in your life are addressed there.

Your concern about what you should do is normal. Lets face it, no one has taught you how to have sex, nor have you likely see a couple participating in "real sex," even if you have seen a porn movie. What you have seen on TV and in the movies is hardly an accurate representation of "real sex" between "real people." You really have no way of knowing what to do or expect. This means you must rely a great deal on trial and error. While this website and others can give you some good insight, until you actually give things a try, you wont know what works best for you. This means you must allow yourself plenty of time to discover your sexuality, and sneaking off for a couple hours will not accomplish this. Such plans seldom have happy endings. He may gain another conquest, but you may be left feeling disappointed, used, and angry.

Your parents are looking out for your best interests, from their prospective. They are only going about it in the wrong way. They may understand the risks you face, but do not know how to convey that information to you, so their response becomes a simple "no." They want to protect you instead of helping you to protect yourself. Preventing you from seeing boys does not teach you how to handle situations involving boys, especially when the boy takes control or does something he should not. Sneaking off to have sex leaves you vulnerable in many ways. The worst part is, if they do something wrong, you often feel guilty and too ashamed or embarrassed to tell anyone, especially your parents.

My advice, as an adult and a pro-sex sexual educator is to wait, at least on vaginal intercourse. In general, fifteen is too young to be engaging intercourse, because of the risk of pregnancy and STDs. You would likely be cutting short or preventing your sexual development by doing so. While it may seem like a long time off, waiting until you are in your twenties to explore intercourse is a wise idea. That does not mean your cannot explore sex, alone and with a partner, only that you should wait on penile/vaginal intercourse, a very small part of the overall sexual experience. 

Having to hide your sexuality from your parents while exciting on one hand is anxiety prone on another. What if you become pregnant and they do not know you are sexually active? The problem becomes, not only are you pregnant, but you have lied to your parents, and have not fulfilled their expectations of you, regardless of whether their expectations are realistic. In that situation, how will you feel about telling your parents you are pregnant or might have an STD?

If your boyfriend is pressuring you to go behind your parent's back, or that you are too old to allow your parents to control what you do, that is a bad sign. If a boy/man does this, he is being manipulative, and posses a risk to you.

Your above average height, or anything that causes you to feel different from your peers, may cause you to feel like a bit of an outcast among your peers, and this can cause you to seek approval from others, and people can take advantage of this fact. Do not have sex to gain approval or acceptance, because it never fulfills those expectations in the long run. You end up feeling used at a later date.

You may be very popular with boys if you permit sex even if they do not like you. Do not engage in sex to gain a boy's approval or acceptance, as your self esteem is not worth it. While it is odd, a boy is less likely to have sex with someone he really cares for rather than someone he does not, because of the Madonna/Whore complex mentioned on the page about desire. If he really likes you, he will wait until you are ready, and the timing is appropriate.

It is easy for older boys, and men, to take advantage of younger girls, I have seen it many times. You are eager to grow up and experience life and freedom, and older teens are often much more reluctant to engage in sex than young teens, so you become a target of older boys and men. While two years does not seem like much in the way of age difference, in teen years it is.

When girls choose their first sexual partner, they often want someone who is older and who presumably knows the ropes, but in reality they usually they do not, as is likely the case of your partner. His prior experience probably means little if anything, as he doesn't know anything about what "you" want, enjoy, or need. If he is a great lover, why isn't he still with his former sexual partners? Make sure your pleasure is as important as his, and he is sensitive to your wishes, feelings, and needs. If he is not sensitive to these things, time to find a new partner. Make sure he truly respects you, which is demonstrated by more than words to that affect; if he is telling you verbally that he respects you that should set off alarm bells. If he respects you, he will respect your decision to postpone exploring sex with a partner. If you rush having sex, you wont discover the important things until it is possibly too late.