Question: Um...Hi.
Wow, I feel really nervous and embarrassed already just by typing "um".
First of all, I find your site really helpful, and I'm glad I came upon it. I've looked around, I think, all of the pages presented on your site, and looked through the questioned you've answered for some people. However, I couldn't find anything that might help me with my own sexual problem.
I'm 19 year old girl and I've been going out with this girl for almost two years now. (Yeah, she's the first person I've ever gone out with and it was a surprise to find out that I'm gay. Hah)
We've started having sex for a while now, but the thing is, I don't enjoy it. the more I do, the more I almost start to hate it. Nngh...
One of the reason that I don't find it enjoyable is that my body isn't sensitive. When I kiss her neck, her shoulders, or caress her breast, she seems to really love the physical attention, but when she does the same for me, I feel nothing. absolutely nothing... and same for my clitoris.
I mean, I can feel something if I touch it myself, and sometimes when she touches it for me, but its not that sensitive as hers. The pressure applied, the area of the pressure applied to, and the speed and the way you stroke the clit is so complicated that I just really can't teach my partner the way I liked to be touched there. Same goes for the vagina. She seems to be sensitive there, but not me.
So it's all about super sensitive lucky girl vs. bag of cold rocks (That's me. Yay!)
I do orgasm. and I truly love the attention I get when she touches me. The problem is...I'm not sensitive. And I feel so jealous that she's having the greatest time of her life. I also find myself slowly getting bored and sleepy as I massage her clit and wait forever for her to orgasm. Also. I can never tell her this problem, ever, or she'll feel really bad.
What can I do! Is there anyway that I can make myself sensitive to touch like her? On my neck? On my breast? Is there any exercises that I can do to make me more sensitive, or any food/vitamins I can take to help me? I don't like the ideas of taking medications or extra boost of testosterone(??). I mean...it costs money, I know, and my parents...what would they think?
"Hey, why are you buying all those medications for?"
"Oh, because I need to start feeling sensitive so I can have great gay
sex."
"Oh, okay."
(Well, I don't know if there's any medications that will help me become sensitive, but...oh well)
Sigh...I think that there might not be such a way to make myself sensitive, like my girlfriend, but if there might be a possible way, that'll help me A LOT.
Sorry for this long, confusing email. And thank you for reading!
Answer: I am happy to see you have the courage to write and ask your personal questions. Do not feel embarrassed, many women write with the same questions and concerns, regardless of the gender of their sexual partner. You have a lot in common with other women your age who are trying to discover their sexuality.
You have a relationship with another girl, but do you physically desire her on a sexual level? Simply because you like a girl and she is fun to be around does not make her a suitable sexual partner. Physical and emotional intimacy may not lead to great sex. Just because someone is a great friend and they fulfill your emotional and physical intimacy needs does not mean they will automatically be the best choice for a sexual partner. While you may be great friends, you may not be great lovers. Who or what gender sexually arouses you, makes you wet? Who fills your fantasies and dreams? Having a sexual partner you find sexually desirable is an important part of the whole relationship equation.
Relationships are very complex, and it can be difficult or even impossible to find one person who meets all your relationship needs. We generally draw on friends, family, intimate partners, and sexual partners to fulfill all our needs, as one person often cannot fulfill them all. Your current partner may not be able to fulfill all your needs, though we often expect this to be the case.
Most of your concerns would seem indicate a lack of sexual arousal. The more aroused you are, the more sensitive and the better things will feel, in general, during sex. If you are not sexually aroused, you will not be highly sensitive to sexual stimulation. It is like to friends touching one another in a nonsexual way. Not only isn't your body in the mood for sex, but neither is your brain. It sounds like you are a great sexual partner for her, but the same is not true of her for you. On a sexual level you may not be a match.
The sensitivity of your skin is dependent on the number of nerve ending present and sensitivity varies from person to person. It is only natural that she is sensitive to different things than you, and at times more sensitive. Only about 50% of women find their breasts sensitive to sexual stimulation, so the insensitivity of your breast probably means nothing. If you are nervous, tense, unable to relax, or bored you are less likely to be sensitive to sexual stimulation, or be overly sensitive and be ticklish. Usually you need to be aroused or in the mood prior to sex to find it enjoyable. If you are bored, you aren't aroused.
The fact that you experience orgasm is a good sign, but the questions is, do you experience sexual arousal without being touched? You may experience orgasm as a result of clitoral stimulation, but that does not mean you sexually desire the person who is doing it, similar to masturbation. Even if you are not in the mood to masturbate, you probably can masturbate to orgasm. The same with partner sex. Sexual desire greatly enhances the experience though. You may be going through the physical motions of sex, without the ever important sexual desire. Do you have sexual fantasies about your girlfriend, have sexual thoughts about her during the middle of the day, and does seeing her when you get home or when you climb into bed sexually arouse you? If this is not happening, she isn't the best choice in sexual partners for you.
Another problem is you are basing your expectations of yourself on your girlfriend, what she does and enjoys, one person, not multiple partners. When it comes to you, her experiences and reactions mean nothing. You are young and inexperienced and need to discover what works best for you, not what works best for others. I know finding examples of female/female intimacy and sexuality may be difficult for you, as you have a lack of role models to base your experiences. You also may not have friends you can discuss your concerns with, who understand female relationships.
Maybe you arouse her more than she arouses you? Maybe she is more sensitive to touch than you, or simply more relaxed with her body. What if she is faking her pleasure? Maybe she believes, as you do, that she should be like the women shown in movies and on TV, who moan and groan throughout the entire sexual experience. This is far from reality. Do not base your expectations on this fake sex too. You could both be misleading each other, going through the motions.
While it is difficult to discuss these issues with your girlfriend now, it will become even more so once more is at stake emotionally, and possibly financially in the future. What if you are still together five years from now and you feel, or do not feel, the same? How will you tell her? Maybe you are great friends, but not great lovers. Don't settle for what you have if your basic needs aren't being met. Since this is your first and only romantic and sexual relationship you may understandably be reluctant to go look for a new partner, fearing she doesn't exist. The thing to keep in mind is, if you don't look, you wont find her.
Given what you have said, your next partner may or may not be another woman. It sounds like you have fallen into a relationship with a girl, even you admit to being surprised by this, rather than knowing from the beginning that you desired her sexually. You had needs and she was available, so you came together, but you weren't actively seeking one another, or at least you weren't seeking her out as a sexual partner. While she may have met your needs two years ago, it would appear this is not true today. While your next sexual partner may be a woman, it also may be a man, depending on your needs and who is available to fulfill them at the time. The sexual orientation of many women is not fixed in stone and varies throughout their lifetime, as their needs and wants change.