Question: I am deeply in love but I have a hard time getting sexually aroused with my boyfriend. He is not the most physically attractive a woman could ask for and I hope that is not what is keeping me from getting turned on. I don't know if it is because he does not take the time to fully stimulate me with foreplay or what. Whenever we do decide to be intimate I have to watch a porno or read a racy story to get aroused. Is this normal and is there something I can do or something he should study to change this outcome. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man but I don't want to end up sexually unhappy. Except for not being able to arouse me he does get the job done. Please help!
Answer: It sounds like you have a problem common to many women, failing to recognize the role and importance of sexual desire in a relationship. This often occurs because society does not recognize the existence and support the role of female sexual desire. It is not uncommon for women to seek fulfillment of their emotional and material needs while forgetting or ignoring their physical needs, as they are not supposed to have them. If you are not sexually attracted to a person, you may be good friends, you will not be good lovers. Even love cannot overcome this barrier. If a person does not sexually arouse you, prior to initiating sex, you should not engage in sex with them. While a friendship may develop into a sexual relationship, this is not always the case. I can only recommend that you seek out a partner that sexually arouses you, while trying to remain friends with your current partner. Sometimes, love is not enough.
Many women do not experience sexual desire that motivates them to engage in sex, but sexual desire as a result of sexual stimulation that results in sexual arousal. This is indicated in my sexual arousal flow chart, which shows the sexual response cycle. The article about perception of sexual arousal and desire provides additional information. This said, I still believe some women choose partners while overlooking the importance of sexual attraction, while the man is assuming there is physical sexual attraction.
If women are primarily concerned with a partner providing for the material needs of themselves and children, then yes, a woman's doesn't need to find her partner sexually attractive. It wouldn't be a well rounded relationship, something may always be missing. Each woman must decide how important sex is too her, without misleading her partner. Pretending to be more sexual than you truly are is likely to result in conflict sooner or later, especially once the newness of the relationship wanes, and the stresses and strains of children and careers become more evident. Also, where will the motive to have sex come from once you have children? In modern society, sex is primarily for pleasure, not reproduction.
