Question: Okay here's some background information. Ever since I was little I would try and masturbate, to try and orgasm, but it didn't work. One night while watching porn I put my legs together (crossing my ankles) and squeezing/thrusting and it felt really good, I don't know if this was an orgasm, but it felt like it, and I haven't heard of any one else doing this, so I was wondering is this normal? It is dangerous to do it this way?
Answer: According to a survey on the website, 20% of women (1 out of 5) indicate
they have masturbated to orgasm using only thigh pressure/tension/pelvic
rocking, so you aren't alone.
Survey: Female Masturbation & Orgasm Part III
It isn't harmful, but if it is the only way you can masturbate to orgasm, it
isn't a technique that can be easily incorporated into partnered sex. I
would encourage you to explore, or continue to explore, clitoral massage
with your fingers, and/or use a vibrating device or water spray. There is a
lot of advice on the website, about learning how to masturbate to orgasm.
The Female Sexual Nervous System: Tension Orgasms
Questions and Answers: Female Arousal and Orgasm
Questions and Answers: Puberty, Adolescence, and Self Discovery - Learning How to Be a Sexual Woman
Questions and Answers: Female Masturbation
Question: Hi, I'm a 22 year old female who has never had an orgasm during sex. I've never been given one by a partner in any way. The only way I can reach orgasm is by manual clitoral stimulation. I've been sexually active for 5 years and I've never came close. When my boyfriend touches my clitoris, it feels very different than when I do it, it almost hurts and I have to make him stop. I take pleasure from intercourse but have never even came close to orgasm. I've had him use a vibrator on me and I start to feel like I could possibly orgasm but never do... I think my lack of orgasm is starting to affect our sex life, because he feels that he can't make me orgasm and it decreases his interest in having sex with me... I don't know what to do! Any suggestions?
Answer: Many of your peers aren't experiencing orgasm during partnered sex either,
this is something you and your boyfriend should be aware of. The article
linked to below provides the statistics:
Frequency of Orgasm During Sex
You and your boyfriend may also find the following articles of interest:
Did She Experience Orgasm & Should You Ask
The Secret to More Female Orgasms
Here is a recent article on another website:
Is Solo Sex Key to Female Orgasm?
To experience orgasm during sex with your partner, masturbate to orgasm
while they watch. Perhaps you can masturbate at the same time. Other couples
have shared their mutual masturbation experiences, which may provide some
guidance and support:
Mutual Masturbation Experiences
More Mutual Masturbation Experiences
You don't mention whether you have masturbated to orgasm with the vibrator,
while masturbating alone. If you haven't, you should, prior to having your
partner use it to stimulate you. If you have, then show him how to use it,
don't just hand it too him.
Once you have masturbated to orgasm while your partner watches, have them
place their hand on yours as you masturbate to orgasm, so they can get a
feel for what you do; not necessarily during a single sexual experience.
Then place your hand on theirs and guide their hand as they stimulate you to
orgasm. You will probably need to use additional lubrication. These steps,
and the added lubrication, may allow them to manually stimulate your
clitoris without causing pain.
Choosing a Sexual Lubricant
To experience orgasm during intercourse, the majority of women require
direct clitoral stimulation, which they may need to provide themselves,
perhaps with a vibrator. The article linked to below mentions some exercises
that may help you learn how to experience orgasm during intercourse.
How to Experience Orgasm During Intercourse
I hope this information is of help to you and your partner.
Question: I have pain in my clitoris due to clitoral adhesions. I live in Dallas and have been to three different OB-GYNS and none have even heard of the issue. How can I have a procedure to have them removed when I cannot find a doctor who knows what they are?
Answer: That is interesting, as clitoral adhesions are relatively common, as
reported in the following medical article, though normally adhesions don't
lead to medical complaints. We have to wonder if the doctors who wrote the article asked the women about
their sexual function, and if the women were too embarrassed to mention
problems they were having with their clitoris. Women may be tolerant of some
degree of clitoral discomfort, presuming it is a normal part of being a
woman, as no one ever talks about it.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18820546
The following plastic surgeon is located in New Mexico, and has an article on the
subject on his website, perhaps he can refer you to someone in Texas. I believe
you would want to pursue non-surgical solutions first.
http://www.phudson.com/solutions/for-women/female-hygiene-smegma.html
You can print out this medical article, which provides a surgical solution
to clitoral adhesions, caused by a condition called lichen sclerosus, and
present it to your local doctors.
http://o.b5z.net/i/u/10023334/i/surgery_for_clitoral_phimosis.pdf
This is a search for medical articles on the subject, and I'm afraid it
doesn't turn up much.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed?term=clitoris%20adhesions
Here is a search for information on a related condition, clitoral phimosis,
narrowing of the clitoral hood, preventing access to the clitoral glans. It
is more commonly associated with boys and men than girls and women.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed?term=clitoral%20phimosis
This medical article looks at the prevalence of phimosis of the clitoris,
and medical and sexual implications:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11898701
This article addresses surgical management of phimosis of the clitoris.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1289644/pdf/jrsocmed00211-0086.pdf
Here is a woman who had a similar experience to yours, who had to come up
with her own solution, though I don't believe it is appropriate in your
situation.
http://myvestibulitis.blogspot.mx/2010/08/clitoral-adhesions.html
To find a non-surgical solution, treatment options for adult women with
labial adhesions is a possibility.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed?term=labial%20adhesions%20adult
In the article I linked to above, the woman took a drawing to her doctor to
try and educate them as to the nature of the problem. Below is a Q&A on my
website where a woman had to take photos of her vulva to demonstrate to her
doctor what was wrong. The Q&A features close up photos of the vulva and
clitoris. If you have access to a suitable camera, you may have to do the
same.
Clitoral Adhesions and Tearing of Labia Minora
I hope this information is of help to you.
Question: I read several articles on this website and have decided to try and ask for advice, since I am not exactly sure where I fit in your scenarios. I did sign up in hopes to post this in the forum, but I have been trying to solve my problems on my own for almost a year and have gotten no where, so I decided to try this form as well. So here is a bit of background, just in case:
--As a young girl, up until the approximate age of 9 or so, I had a very hard time with wetting my pants. I would let my bladder fill until the bursting point because I didn't want to stop any activity I was doing at the time in order to go to the bathroom. This resulted in many, cases of me not making it to the washroom, and my mother scolding me. I read the hypothesis on this website related to orgasm and urination and I do believe that most of it could be true.
--I did not have intercourse until I was about 18, and interestingly enough I did not start to masturbate until I was about 22 or so. Even so, it was at completely random intervals using household items as insertion devices, which only lasted a few minutes until I lost interest. Within the past two years I finally learned what an orgasm was like, thanks to a detachable shower head. This sparked me to purchase my first vibrator, and since then I have learned to control my orgasms---to a point. ((I will explain a bit later.))
--I have always been fully ashamed of my sexuality, and it took my current boyfriend a very long time to convince me to be alright with it. As a teenager, I accidentally overheard my mother having sex with a boyfriend of hers, (she is widowed), and I don't believe I have recovered from that experience. (My mother was rather upset that I started crying loudly and interrupting her romp.) I believe since the age of 11 and forward, when I first started to learn about sexual education and when that experience occurred, I had it set into my brain that sex was a very bad thing. Any physical contact with myself or with others was strictly prohibited to the point where I tended to only date fellows through online chat rooms.
This doesn't mean I wasn't curious. I gained a false sense of what sex was like through pornography and hentai comics. ((Japanese adult comics)). During these times I would experience definite arousal and would be able to notice vaginal lubrication and a throbbing of sorts. Although I did not touch myself.
My eldest brother teased me and questioned me every time he found any of these pornography websites in the internet history since he was also like a caretaker to me, and would scold me so as well. This, along with the hormone-filled sexual activities of my teenaged friends and their constant teasing of my lack of knowledge and virginity made me rather ashamed and has put a black mark on sex.
My first time with intercourse was not a pleasant one, and the relationship wasn't the greatest either. He had pressured me into having sex with him on many occasions, and was quite emotionally abusive. My second relationship isn't much to be noted, since the two of us were extremely shy and unsure about how to interact with each other in bed, and not much came of it. My next relationship, and currently on-going relationship is the more significant and most frustrating one of all. Before I get into why, I should mention that in the beginning of the relationship everything was fun and exciting, and I was able to get so wet that I would leave puddles. ((I don't believe it was ejaculation, just lubrications?)). At some point during our relationship I experienced my first yeast infection, and cured it on my own with a one-day-dose insertion pill. This caused one of the most painful and horrid experiences in my life to date, since I believe there was too much concentrated medicine in the pill that caused me to become inflamed in the area and swollen. Afterwards I had random bouts of urinary infections and yeast infections and have been able to cure them all. (They're not chronic.) Although between the process of figuring out I was infected and getting cured any intercourse was painful and uncomfortable, which I believe may have lead me to become completely dry in that area. When my boyfriend and I initiate sex, we have to use spit or lube in order to commence with intercourse, because otherwise I would not become wet at all.
So, previously I stated I was able to reach orgasms. I have never been able to experience ejaculation, and these orgasms seem to be clitoral. They tend to only be with myself and I am dependant on the aid of my vibrators and toys. When I am with my boyfriend, if I am to orgasm with him I must be able to use my bullet vibrator, even then it isn't as intense or strong as with my toys. In the past 6 to 12 months or so I haven't been able to orgasm with him at all.
This may be due to the pressures we have both been putting on my ability to orgasm, but that isn't the only issue I have when having physical sex with my boyfriend. I don't tend to feel any pleasant sensations with him except for certain positions when he is inserted. Even then, it doesn't make me feel the same way as my dildo and vibrator, not even close. If he were to use his fingers, or his tongue, on my clitoris or vagina, one of two things would happen. Either nothing at all will come of it, or the sensations will get so intense that it is almost painful and uncomfortable. With fingering, oral, and intercourse, I always have the constant feeling of having to urinate, even if I have already emptied my bladder beforehand. I am aware that I am supposed to get past this feeling, but I never have been able to. There are many times where it also gets somewhat painful or uncomfortable and then from that point on sex is not enjoyable.
I have tried to masturbate with my clitoris by myself without the aid of toys and I am able to get a very small, tiny sensation that isn't anywhere near as pleasurable as my vibrator gives me, and then it slowly goes away as I continue to play with myself. So while I don't think I'm exactly anorgasmic, I do think there could be something wrong with me in terms of lack of sensations and mental issues.
My boyfriend has tried for a long time to be supportive and try everything he can with me in order to make me feel comfortable, but has stated that this is the first time he has come across a woman he has not been able to figure out and to make her orgasm. He believes that a woman should be able to have that orgasm with every sexual experience and the fact that he has not been able to assist me in reaching that point on his own, and that I depend on my toys especially when I'm with him, is frustrating him severely. He also has an insatiable sexual appetite and can last for over an hour in intercourse. ((Which I thoroughly enjoy, if it wasn't for the fact that after the first time or so, my vagina gets utterly dry and sore!))
So I still feel ashamed of sex from time to time. Because of my first, I have this subconscious need and this constant fear to constantly be ready for sex, and to be willing for sex, otherwise I would be looked at as someone who doesn't care for sex and rejected. I always make sure he is fully pleased, even when it discomforts me, like a sore jaw, wrist, or a dry vagina that gets sore after several romps. I go into sex expecting and trying to aim for an orgasm, and have unrealistic ideals of how sex is supposed to be. I cannot relax during sex, even if my boyfriend has tried everything under the sun to do so. ((And he has.)) And I cannot enjoy myself because any sensation I get from being touched on my clitoris isn't a very pleasurable one.
Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated. I haven't yet sought out a therapist yet because I am frightened, and will be doing so for more reasons besides the sex issue. I believe I may have an issue with my thyroid, and thanks to this website I plan on getting my hormones checked. ((Although I forgot to take my birth control three times this week which resulted in an early period, so I may have to wait until I'm regular again to avoid any mess ups.))
Answer: I believe your experiences with sex are more typical than you may believe,
and you are 'normal'.
You raise several topics of discussion but I believe we should focus on only
a couple of them now.
For starters you and your boyfriend should read the following article, and
accept and follow the provided advice.
The Secret to More Female Orgasms
If you are going to engage in any sexual activity, alone or with your
partner, please use a suitable lubricant. You likely have access to them in
your kitchen.
Choosing a Sexual Lubricant
Finally, we need to know if you have any form of urinary, vulvar, or vaginal
infection. Please visit a doctor, tell them of your history of infection,
side affects of self treatment, problems with urinary discomfort, and
vaginal pain. Write it all down if you have trouble talking about these
topics with your doctor. We really need to know if you are 'healthy down
there'.
These references will help you to understand what is normal and what isn't,
and how to properly care for your genitals and vagina:
Normal Vaginal Fluids
Feminine Hygiene: Caring for Your Vulva and Vagina
Vaginal Infections
If you should still have questions and concerns please feel free to write
again.
Question: Lately, I get increasingly worried about my ability to orgasm during intercourse.
I'm 23 and relatively healthy aside from a few extra pounds. I began masturbating - sometimes daily or multiple times daily - when I was fourteen. I've recently started a relationship with a new man (it's been about 2 months) and I worry that by masturbating on my own - though admittedly not as often as I used to - will decrease my ability to orgasm during intercourse. I find myself wanting to and then worrying that if I do masturbate, I'll make my next sexual experience lackluster. I sometimes masturbate with my fingers and other times with vibrators.
I do not orgasm every time my boyfriend and I have sex and I can tell it bothers him and in turn it bothers me. It seems that the only way I can actually orgasm during sex is with clitoral stimulation and penetration or by oral clitoral stimulation. I feel abnormal and like this is putting a damper on the sexual aspect of my new relationship. However, the inability for me to orgasm happened in my past relationships as well. I have not been with many men - 3 in the past 5 years - so I feel like that isn't the source of the issue.
Should I abstain from masturbation? Is it making me less sensitive to intercourse or other clitoral stimulation during intercourse? Is this normal?
Answer: All women are unique so I can't provide you with clear cut answer. I've
heard that the more orgasms women have the more they can have, so
masturbation in addition to partnered sex could help you to experience more
orgasms, be more orgasmic. On the other hand, some women appear to experience a limit to how many orgasms they can enjoy in a given period of
time. Some women have unlimited sexual energy, others a rather limited
amount. Some of this may be hormonally defined, as they regulate your sexual
desire, how easily you become aroused.
You, and especially your partner, should read the article linked to below,
as you will find your experiences are typical of women your age, even the
not orgasming part. You may simply be trying to be too orgasmic, and
orgasmic in situations when generally women aren't. And as the article
points out, that takes the joy out of sex.
The Secret to More Female Orgasms
Question: I've looked around the website and haven't really found the answer I'm looking for. By the way, this website is awesome and has taught me a lot. I just have a couple of questions.
I'm 22 years old and I don't think I have had an orgasm (until recently, I think). I haven't had a desire to masturbate (never did when I was younger) until I started dating my boyfriend. He wants to pleasure me, and make me have an orgasm which makes me want to learn what pleases me and what doesn't. The problem is I feel uncomfortable when I masturbate. I just can't get myself in the mood and I feel awkward. When my boyfriend touches me, it feels great and I like it a lot. I feel that we could learn together, but at the same time I feel bad cause I need to know what pleases me in order for him to. Also this website says how a woman needs to know herself 1st before her partner can please her as well. So I'm just wondering if what is going now is fine (exploring together) or I should just man up and do it myself?
My other question (in regards to me potentially having an orgasm) a little while ago when my boyfriend was touching me, I started to feel more pleasure and it was building up and up and I started to shake and it was more and more intense then it just disappeared and I started to get ticklish (like I usually do, although this is the 1st time I had a small period of nothing before the tickling). This time though, I was really wet after (more then usual) and I had not experienced that much pleasure or intensity before. I don't remember feeling my muscles in my vagina contracting like people say what usually happens during orgasm. So from what I just explained, did I have a smaller orgasm, or did I just cum more then usual (either way what happened felt really good and I felt satisfied/happy)?
Thanks for helping me out!
Answer: I'm happy to hear the website has been of help to you.
You have to keep in mind the website provides, for the most part, generic
advice, intended for the majority of women. If partnered sex is fulfilling
your needs, then one option is to only engage in that form of sex. If
partnered sex is no longer fulfilling your needs, or you are no longer
moving forward, then try something else, perhaps masturbation.
Have you tried a vibrator, alone or with your partner? They generally
provide the easiest and quickest solution, during both forms of sex. I
recommend using one while fully dressed, then slowly removing layers of
clothing as you become accustomed to the sensations you experience.
Vibrators, and muscle massagers, are readily available almost everywhere. I recommend the Pocket Rocket or Hitachi Magic Wand for beginners, though just about any muscle massager or electric tooth brush will work.
If you aren't sure if you have experienced orgasm then you probably
haven't. Your described experience and sensations are typical of young women
who have not experienced orgasm, at least those who have written me. I can't
explain why your feelings and sensations simply go away, but many describe experiencing a wall.
The Barrier or Wall to Orgasm
While a bit wordy, the advice on the website, in the section linked to
below, should provide additional advice.
Questions and Answers: Female Arousal and Orgasm
If you read through the Q&As linked to below you will find your experience
isn't as unique as you may believe.
Questions and Answers: Female Arousal and Orgasm - Impaired Sexual Response
In addition, women in your age group are only experiencing orgasm half the
time during partnered sex, despite what the media may be indicating. Not experiencing orgasm is
more normal than we may believe, for young women.
Frequency of Orgasm in Teenage Girls
Question: I think I have a binge eating disorder. I'm constantly eating when I'm not hungry at all, and I feel so guilty and terrible every time I eat. I'm still in a healthy weight range, but I don't feel good at all. I also have a terrible body image in result. How can I develop healthy eating patterns and learn to accept my body?
Answer: This isn't a topic I know much about, but here is the information I can
offer.
I believe we are talking about two different but related topics. The binge
eating indicates a need, which probably isn't food related, but emotional.
You want something, or someone, but what is readily available, and tastes
good, is food. Food provides the immediate and quickest solution. It allows
you to feel something, by taste and by feeling full, if not overly full. If
you needed food, you would feel hungry, if you simply need, then you need
something, other than food. In Western culture, food is more readily
available than intimacy and friends. We prefer talking via cell phone or
texting versus talking in person, and indications are we may prefer sex via
a computer than in person.
If your base need is truly emotional, I'm guessing, then seek out people or
a person to interact with. Do you have a friend you can confide in? Someone
you can text or email an S.O.S. to who will be there for you? If not, perhaps setup an alter ego Facebook page, and get on it and chat with your
'friends'. Be honest with the purpose of the identity and page. You will
potentially find a lot of people who share your experience, in more ways
than one.
Your body image is a little more challenging to address, as we often have a
view of ourselves that isn't in line with what others see. What we see in
the media isn't an achievable example of what we can achieve. I provide examples of real women, in the nude, to allow everyone to see what women
truly look like under their cloths. If you are are at least 18 years old, I
suggest undressing and taking a photo of yourself, head to toe, and
comparing it with the examples I provide. If you can see you are truly like
other women, how they truly appear, you may feel better about yourself. You
also have to avoid almost all forms of modern media, as they send out thousands of inappropriate messages each day.
Examples of real women, in the nude:
What Women Truly Look Like Nude: Female Figure Studies
What Women Truly Look Like Nude: More Female Figure Studies
I wish I had more to offer you.
Question: I'm very sensitive down there like, when I get pap smears or if someone rubs my clit it hurts really bad and brings me to tears. I've never experienced an orgasm. Is this normal? If not what is wrong with me?
Answer: It doesn't sound normal.
It could be the result of not knowing your body, as a result of not learning
how to experience orgasm through masturbation, or partnered sex. Women who
are dissociated from their body may experience hypersensitivity. Information
on learning how to experience orgasm, and how to masturbate, are linked to
below:
Questions and Answers: Female Arousal and Orgasm
Questions and Answers: Female Masturbation
The symptoms you describe could be related to a condition called vaginismus,
which results in involuntary contraction of the pelvic muscles, which may
prevent penetration or cause painful vaginal penetration, and result in the experience or pain,
and hypersensitivity. The article linked to below will guide you in
exploring your vulva and vagina, and links to information about
vaginismus.
A Guide to Locating Your Vagina And Determining The Cause of Vaginal Pain
Here is a link to a Google search for information about "hypersensitivity of
vulva".
https://www.google.com/search?q=hypersensitivity+of+vulva
Question: I'm 18 and I've recently started masturbating, just to see what it was like, not because I particularly wanted to, and now I need to do it quite often. Is it usual for a person to become more sexually frustrated after trying it once? Because I'd never felt the need to touch myself before I tried it. I was wondering if it was because I don't bring myself to orgasm, and so that's why I feel the need to touch myself because I didn't 'finish', could this be true? If it is then I don't know what to do about it because I want the sexual arousal to stop because I'm not ready to have sex, but I can't orgasm so I don't know how to make it stop. I only ever rub my clitoris with my finger and it doesn't feel good at all until after a while it feels great for a few seconds and my legs start to twitch, but then I can't carry on because it's too sensitive and doesn't feel good. Why does that happen? I don't know what an orgasm feels like but I don't think that's it because it hardly lasts ten seconds. Why am I not able to carry on? I've looked online and all it says is that I may think masturbation is bad for me, but I know that it isn't and want to do it, but without putting anything inside me.
Answer: Your experience is typical of women your age who have not experienced
orgasm. There are many Q&As that address this subject, and they are linked to
below:
Questions and Answers: Puberty, Adolescence, and Self Discovery Learning How to Be a Sexual Woman
Questions and Answers: Female Arousal and Orgasm - Impaired Sexual Response
Question: Is it normal to enjoy and want pain during sex?
Answer: I don't know that "normal" is an appropriate word or term to use. The
chemicals released by the body when we experience pain, or after, may
enhance a person's sexual experiences. I don't know how or why, exactly.
Based on a couple comments from individuals who have engaged in S&M, and my
own observations, I gather you can develop a tolerance to pain, requiring
more and more intense pain to achieve the same result. Therefore, it isn't
good or "normal" to engage in or enjoy sex "only" when pain is experienced.
Everything has to be done in moderation. Pain indicates your body is being
or could be harmed, potentially seriously.
You certainly aren't alone in enjoying pain, or the affects of pain on your
sexual experiences.