Question: My girlfriend and I have been dating four four years now and, our sex life has always been good, but recently we have not been having sex because she says she doesn't know what she wants. We always start with foreplay but shortly thereafter she gets frustrated and stressed and changes her mind about wanting to do anything sexual. Also my girlfriend has never had an orgasm before nor masturbated. Recently she has really expressed her desire to experience orgasm, but she doesn't have a strong idea of what she likes and doesn't. I feel that the best way for her to learn about her body and experience orgasm would be by masturbating. We have talked about masturbating before and she considers it sometimes, but thinks it's something she can't do because she believes it might be wrong for her to do this. However she is also believes it is okay for guys to do it because its accepted. My question is do you have any advice on things we could talk about or some information the I could lead her to that would giver her a better understanding of masturbation, and why masturbation can be okay and even healthy? And do you have any insight into why my girlfriend changes her mind about having sex shortly after we start foreplay (which by the way usually consists on a head massage and light touch down her back and legs and usually she starts feeling uncomfortable once I start touching her stomach and vulva)?
Answer: I don't know why she is resistant to your attempts at foreplay, unless she
simply doesn't want to feel sexually frustrated and/or depressed afterwards.
A history of sexual abuse may result in an aversion to touch in the area of the vulva, if she has never permitted the touching of her vulva. Only she can tell you why she doesn't desire this form of stimulation.
As far as helping her to learn how to masturbate, and believe it is
acceptable for her to do so, I recommend the following references, which allow her to learn from her peers.
http://www.doubleclickheaven.com/
polls.htm#mast
The use of a vibrator is common among women, as indicated in the medical article abstract linked to below:
sex_toys.htm#abstracts
The following article provides information on one way of learning how to
masturbate and engage in partnered sex that doesn't require stimulation of the vulva with the hands.
outercourse.htm
General advice on learning how to experience orgasm is presented in the
following articles.
how_to_have_female_orgasms.htm
aerobic_orgasm_exercise.htm
anorgasmia_absence_of_orgasm.htm
Question: Whenever I have intercourse it starts out normal, but then I notice that my vagina seems to over produce lubrication to the point that I can't feel anything. I have never had children, and I do kegel exercises, and I don't think my Microgestin 120 could be causing this. Is this normal? I have been like this since I became sexually active when I was 15, I am now 21.
Answer: I'm not a doctor so I cannot provide a medical diagnosis, only general
information.
My guess is that it is normal, as it has always been like this for you. In response
to my surveys about sexual satisfaction, 3-7% of women are dissatisfied with
their ability to experience vaginal lubrication, because they are too wet,
rather than too dry.
polls_indx.htm
You are not the first to report this type of experience:
qa_29.htm#q9
If you are laying on your back, your lubricant, combined with your partner's
fluids if he isn't using a condom, may be pooling around your cervix. Have
you tried intercourse with you on top, or with your partner entering you
from behind, when you are bent over at the waist or on your hands and knees? These
positions may allow the extra lubrication to drain out of your vagina. Another
option is to use a condom with a textured surface or ribs. There are also
"French Ticklers" and penis sleeves your partner can wear to increase your
pleasure. The fact that these products exist, indicates other women want to
experience greater stimulation during intercourse as well.
Another thing to consider, as indicated by the survey results presented at
the beginning of the article about anal sex, the vagina isn't the most
sensitive area of the body for many, if not most, women, even if they don't
produce a lot of lubrication. You may not be producing too much lubrication,
but have a vagina with normal yet less than expected sensitivity to stimulation.
anal_sex.htm
Question: Can Bupropion and Quetiapine decrease the amount of lubrication a woman experiences? I experience much less lubrication now (at age 22) than I did when I was in my early teens, and I suspect it might be because of the medications.
Answer: I'm not a doctor so I cannot provide a medical diagnosis, only general
information.
Bupropion, also known as Wellbutrin, appears to have the lowest rate of
sexual dysfunction or dissatisfaction associated with it. It sometimes enhances sexual
performance.
http://depression.about.com/cs/sexualdysfunction/a/bedroomblues.htm
There is a woman who reports experiencing vaginal dryness while taking
Wellbutrin, on the discussion forum linked to below, and mentions her doctor
indicating the medication couldn't possibly be the cause, though she
believed otherwise.
http://www.healthboards.com/boards/archive/index.php/t-42064.html
Antipsychotic medications may cause a condition that results in vaginal
dryness, as indicated in the following medical article.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1122185/
The information in the book linked to below raises the possibility that Quetiapine
may cause vaginal dryness.
http://books.google.com/books?
Everyone is unique, so your experience with these medications may be unique. Most references only make mention of common side effects, so all side effects are often not disclosed.
Question: Thank you so much for your very in depth illustrations and explainations of the female genitals. What brought me to my search today was that I notice in my sleep most times just before I wake, I have involuntary clitoral contracting that upon being conscious of them I can then easily but briefly voluntarily contract some various clitoral parts (muscles or ligaments?). The sensation is that of a great orgasm. Since I am trying to become more orgasmic I have searched and searched for exercises or answers on how to increase my control over these muscles. Generally I find only exercises on how to control your vaginal muscles. I am dismayed that there are not more studies on how to exercise more control of the various muscles that constrict during climax. I feel if I were a man these studies would have been conducted and plenty information would be available. My questions for you are do you have any information on voluntarily contracting climax muscles? If not is this something you can look into?
Answer: To the best of my knowledge, what you refer to only falls under the heading
of Kegel exercises. I don't know that you have control over the individual
muscles, or if this depends on the individual, like with wiggling of the
ears.
http://www.google.com/search?q=muscle+control+kegels+orgasm
While on the obscure side, some women obviously learn excellent control over
their pelvic muscles.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ping_pong_show
Some time ago, I created an animation that shows the muscles that contract
during orgasm. It isn't the best, but give you the general idea.
female_orgasm_1.htm
A quick web search didn't reveal the secrets to learning how to perform
tricks with your pelvic/vaginal muscles. Women must learn this on their own,
or from knowing someone in the trade.
Related YouTube video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4IxFkP1wmo
Most likely, practice makes perfect, and increases awareness, strength,
control, and pleasure.
Question: First of all, I'd like to say that I'm a 16 year old girl. Before I saw this website, I was worried I had an "abnormal" vulva because I didn't know how it was supposed to look. I am planning on having sex with my boyfriend this summer and I was going to go to the doctor to get it checked out. Thank you for showing me that I don't need to.
My question is, in between my labia majora and minora, I have these tiny goosebump-looking things. They're not painful but I can definately feel them when I touch them. I'm still a bit worried about that because I didn't see anything on your site about that. Is this normal? I've never had sex before so I don't think it could be an STD. Please reply.
Answer: I am happy to hear my website has helped you to feel better about your body.
I'm not a doctor so I cannot provide a medical diagnosis, only general
information.
Not being able to see them, I would presume they are normal oil producing
glands, called sebaceous glands. They produce a white oily lubricant called
sebum.
The article linked to below talks about these glands.
http://dermatology.about.com/od/glossarys/g/sebaceous_gland.htm
The article linked to below has photos of the vulva, with two of them
showing an accumulation of sebum between the inner and outer labia.
anatomy_of_vagina_2_2.htm#normal
Proper care of your vulva is important, as these glands can become irritated
by friction and chemicals. The following article addresses proper care of
your vulva.
feminine_hygiene.htm
Question: Do you have any information on female orgasms as the women enter the 70's and 80's?
Answer: Not specifically, but indirectly when discussing hormones and sexual satisfaction. The following articles may be of help, if you are looking for causes of sexual difficulties.
androgens_and_female_sexuality.htm
The following websites address post menopausal female sexuality.
http://www.epigee.org/menopause/lifeafter.html
http://womenshealth.about.com/cs/menopaus1/a/menotestosteron.htm
http://www.menopauseexpert.co.uk/menopausal-challenges-reaching-orgasm.html
The Journal of Sexual Medicine publishes the latest information on female sexuality.
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/journal/10.1111/%28ISSN%291743-6109
Question: I recently foum this web site and feel like I need to ask my question now. I'm a Chinese woman, 39, living in the US for 10 years with hubby and two daughters. Now the problem is my frequent sexual fantasy and masturbation habit. My hubby is not very interested now, a little older than me and often tired. As for me, I feel only getting more interest with age and to have my satisfy enough I have been masturbating a lot the past few years. I need to feel the climax at least every day, many days I do more (up to 5 times for the really aroused days). I have half-time job and can enjoy home alone, also getting very excited watching internet porn. My issue is the interest in some disturbing porn, the kind where a woman is in ropes and used sex toys on her and spanking. When I'm excited I feel I need treatment like that, very intense and long-lasting to have a good satisfaction after. Actually, I now have a man friend with this interest. I see him in secret about once a month. It is unbelievable, my excitement is so high and I can really have many climax from his touching my body and using different toys when I'm in that kind of strange position and tied up. But I feel disgusted after, feel so sorry that my girls have such pervert mother. I don't feel so guilty for my husband, because he should take care of me more. If they ever know I cannot imagine.... It's my big life secret now.I always think I will never do it again, but then my friend gives me so many complements and tells me what he wants do do next time, and I soon have the interest to meet him again. I feel my body really needs it also, because Im feel more satisfy for many days after I have the experience. I just want to know, is this behavior normal for a woman, or should I see a psychologist to help me stop this activity?
Answer: The answer to your question is touched on in the following Q&As.
qa_48.htm#q6
qa_48.htm#q8
Are you normal? There is more than one definition of normal. There is the
social definition of normal, as defined by social morality, and then there
is normal as defined by what people do.
Are you normal as defined by the social expectations of a 39 year
Chinese-American mother of two daughters? Your guilt and concern about
whether you require professional help answers that question.
Are you normal compared to what your peers are doing? Well, lets see.
According to a survey on this website, 30% of women have had a male partner
intentionally inflict pain during sex, 6% have done so with a female
partner, and 33% have engaged in bondage with a male partner, 12% with a
female partner. Around 1 out of 3 of your peers have engaged in kinky or
taboo sex. I would say this makes you normal in this respect.
According to a recent medical journal article, 53% of women have used a
vibrator, so sex toys are being used by 1 out of 2 of your peers. I would
guess the percentage is higher for women in your age group, compared to
older women.
In another survey, for women in their thirties, 56% indicate their sex drive
is greater than it was in their twenties. A woman I know who is in her
thirties, who is also having an affair, has indicated her sex drive has been
increasing.
Alfred Kinsey's surveys in 1948 and 1953 found that 26% of women had had an
extramarital affair by the age of 40. Today, the number of women who have
extramarital affairs is commonly reported to be around 40%, but a survey
conducted in 2002 put the percentage at only 20%, which is still one out of
five married women.
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=47317&page=2
http://wordscapes.net/extramarital-affairs.htm
Another way to look at this is, is to judge your wants and needs. Is your
husband meeting you base needs? The answer to that question is no, and as
the Q&A linked to above points out, you aren't alone in this experience. Are
your base needs normal? Are you abnormal for fulfilling your base needs?
I've heard several times that the more conservative a community is, the
greater the amount of deviation there is from the norm, because the expected norm is
simply too narrow to accommodate normal diversity. Some argue that if normal
desires can't be expressed then they will be expressed in abnormal or
undesired ways. If true, a society can cause the very behavior it seeks to
avoid or irradiate, by not permitting truly normal behavior.
Are you living up to your daughers' expectations of you? Are you setting a
proper role model? Are you setting a realistic and achievable example for
them to follow? Those questions are a little hard to answer, as I don't know
their expectations of you, and if they are realistic. Do they know your
husband isn't fulfilling your base needs? It seems your husband may not be
fulfilling their base needs either, but they may consider this normal, or
hold you at fault. What they expect may be different for each daughter, and
dependent on their relationship with you and your husband. It may also
depend on how they perceive you and your family within their community,
their perception of normalcy.
All this having been said, there are certainly risks involved if the affair
should become public knowledge. From a legal and child custody perspective,
you stand to lose more than your husband, as you are the one having the
affair, assuming your husband isn't having an affair and wants custody of
the children. Life isn't always fair.
Question Part 1: Hi, I have searched through your site and have not been able to find the answer to my exact question. I am 17 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 8 months now. It took us a long time to actually start doing sexual things (5 months in). My problem is whenever he tries to finger me it hurts so bad before his finger is even inside me. He is very gentle and only uses one finger but it hurts so bad. Also my vagina never gets wet when sexually stimulated. When I am sexually excited my vagina is always dry, which is embarrassing and almost impossible for him to finger me in the first place. I am able to use tampons fine. I have tried to finger myself and it either hurts, or I get my finger in and move it around and feel no pleasure. Please help me, why does my vagina never get wet and why does it hurt so much when he tries to finger me? Also my vagina is extremely tight.. is there anyway you can loosen it up a bit?
Answer Part 1: I believe the articles linked to below will help you isolate and possibly identify the cause of the pain. There are many potential causes.
locating_the_vagina.htm
female_virginity_2.htm#pain1
female_virginity_3.htm#pain2
Knowing your anatomy will also be of benefit.
anatomy_of_vagina.htm
I don't know why you aren't experiencing vaginal lubrication. Do you
experience vaginal lubrication at other times? Do you experience vaginal
lubrication when you masturbate? You likely have access to several different
types of lubricant in your home, some are safe to use with a condom, some
are not. Please see the information linked to below.
qa7_4.htm
sexually_stimulating_vagina.htm#lube
Question Part 2: Thank you for responding, and I never experience vaginal lubrication, never with my boyfriend and never when I masturbate. Do you know why this is? Or if there is anything I can do about it..?
Answer Part 2: I don't know the potential causes for young women such as yourself. The article about Sexual Dissatisfaction may provide some useful information.
Vaginal lubrication is explained in the article linked to below:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginal_lubrication
You will likely have to consult a doctor to find a possible cause. Are you taking any type of medication or prescription birth control? This may be the cause.
Question: I started to masturbate at the age of 11 or 12 and I am now 25. Unfortunately, my way of masturbation was to build a lot of tension in my legs and thighs by squeezing my legs very tightly together, grasping any object in between, while lying on my stomach. As you explain on your website, this way of achieving an orgasm is making me unable to orgasm while with my male partner in any other way. He loves me very much and is a very understanding man so, he lets me squeeze my legs tightly with his leg in between to be able to reach orgasm. However, I am really frustrated because of this weird technique, but I am unable to do otherwise. Any advice on how to orgasm without this tension and squeezing will be highly appreciated. Please reply as soon as you can. Thank you very much for this wonderful wealth of information that is not available anywhere else.
Answer: I don't have any additional information to provide at this time, beyond what
is available on the website now, which is linked to below:
female_sexual_nervous_system_3.htm#x1
Question: I am 22 years old, height 5'2, weigh 110. I have been 34D since I was 14. Lately, I have been wearing comfortable sports bras on a daily basis, but they don't provide enough support for me to move as much as I want.
I wish I could spontaneously start running whenever and wherever I wanted. My favorite music is trance/techno. I wish I could jump as high as I wanted and as long as I wanted completely carefree, but I can't. I see this restriction as an obstacle preventing me from living my life fully.
If I wear tight sports bras, after 10 minutes my shoulders and back begin to ache, and I also start feeling suffocated.
I have significant sagging.
I want to be a B cup, not D. Sometimes I consider mastopexy. What do you advise?
Answer: This is not a topic I know a lot about. To the best of my knowledge, women
who undergo breast reduction surgery are very satisfied with the result. At
a party, a guy mentioned his wife had had her breasts reduced in size, and
she was very happy with their smaller size. He made the comment in response
to a woman who was complaining about her small breasts.
Reduction surgery is major surgery, so it shouldn't be undertaken lightly.
If done for medical rather than cosmetic reasons, it should be covered by
insurance.
Here is some resources that may be of help:
http://www.surgery.org/consumers/procedures/breast/breast-reduction
http://www.locateadoc.com/pictures/cosmetic-surgery/breast-reduction-surgery.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breast_reduction
A two popular actresses have had breast reduction surgery, and I make
mention of this in the body image section of the website.
female_body_image_4.htm#reduction
I would ensure you are wearing the correct size bra, as most women don't.
Look under "Bras, Correctly Fitting" on the page linked to below for advice
on choosing the correct sized bra.
l_a_b.htm
The following video may be of help in choosing a properly fitting bra.
http://www.figleaves.com/us/fitting_room.asp?cat=187
As may the following detailed guide:
http://www.herroom.com/bra-fitting-advice,901,30.html
There is a list of specialty bra suppliers on the web page linked to below:
ideal_breast_size.htm#bra