The-Clitoris.com - Questions and Answers: Volume 47

Question: This may actually be an unusual question from a woman.

I am 23. I lost my virginity at 19, so maybe a little later than average, but I have seemed to make up for. I am rather experienced in sex, am comfortable in my body image and sexuality, and I genuinely enjoy sex as a fun, pleasurable activity.

Since becoming sexuality active I've had problems reaching orgasm with a partner, but that's something all women seem to struggle with and I have been working on it on my own by learning as much as I can about my body and it's responses, as well as with partners. [Used to be really easy by myself, but became harder around 18ish. Ruled out meds, spent a year or two thinking it was psychological and eventually ruled that out... thinking it's just a matter of practice, training my body and mind.]

One strategy I have come up with is to take things slow with a new partner, getting to know each others' bodies and responses. I really enjoy sex and want to be able to slow things down with partners in the future to enjoy sex even more. However, I'm having a problem putting it into action. I've developed such a habit of sleeping with someone new almost right away. It's hard to stop myself from letting things heat up so quickly, and even find myself torn between wanting both situations. In the end, I know the option with the greatest reward is taking it slower.

I've had some experience with other woman and, naturally, its a bit easier since woman tend to approach sex the same way. It's sensual, about enjoying pleasure in the moment, even if it doesn't involve genitals or orgasms. Most of my experience has been with men, though, and the man who see sex in such a way is rare catch. I tend to be drawn towards men a bit more than women. I don't know how much the gender factor would weigh into any advice, but decided to include it anyway.

So, in short, the problem is I want to take things slower when it comes to sex, but I find it hard to slow myself down let alone deal with the gender difference in sex and slow a man down.

Some advice on self control, will power and delayed gratification? Things I could say to a new partner to broach the topic?

Answer: Based on your comments, you appear well informed and very analytical, and perhaps expect yourself too have greater control over your sexuality than is reasonable, on a personal and interpersonal level. This analytical approach predates your partnered sexual activities, as indicated by your comments about your impaired orgasmic response at the age of eighteen. On the relational level, you take into consideration your role, but not that of your sexual partners, at least the male partners. I don't believe you can achieve your expectations simply by having greater self control, as you represent only half the equation.

While you may be unique in asking these questions, I don't believe your experience is unique among your peers. I know women in their twenties to early thirties who have no trouble finding a sexual partner, getting the man to call them back the next day is the challenge.

As you mention, women typically bring much more to the relationship than men, even during casual sex. I've cautioned a couple young women that despite their expectations, the men they engage in casual sex with don't necessarily find them mutually attractive or have the same romantic intent. The women have the whole relationship planned out before the first kiss, the guy is only looking forward to his next orgasm. This generalization doesn't apply to all men, but you don't know based on perception what a guy's motives truly are. I've had the experience, and know of another involving a woman your age, were the man is slowing down the sexual aspect of the relationship, despite the woman being more than willing to go all the way. Traditionally women were/are expected to control the outcome of the relationship, if neither partner is, the relationship is likely off course from the start.

If a guy hits a home run his first, second, or third time at bat, he likely has little to nothing invested in the relationship, but chalks up another home run in the process. It is a win-win for him. There is no incentive for him to pursue the relationship further, as all his needs have been met, and the odds are, if one girl is willing to have casual sex with him, so are others, because of his social status, self confidence, personality, etc.

At present, there is much less pressure on young men and women to get married and raise a family than there once was, which means there is less pressure on them to pursue long terms relationships. It also means there are probably fewer potential partners available, for those interested in a serious committed relationship, more than casual sex and friendship.

Your expectations of yourself and future relationships aren't fully realistic, because you are putting sex before all the other aspects of the relationship, at least in practice not expectation. You are basically fulfilling the traditional role of a man in a casual sexual relationship, which your sexual partners benefit from. Even if they desire more in the relationship, you are both putting the cart in front of the horse. Sex is sex, there really isn't degrees of sex. In reality, there is no such thing as a slow sexual relationship. Either you are having sex, or your not. It is like, you are pregnant or you aren't pregnant.

As I mention in the article linked too below, once sexual desire starts to play a part in our actions, we become less in control and more sexually driven than we normally are, or more than society would like to admit. Contrary to social morality, this applies equally to men AND women. It probably isn't realistic to say we are going to take things "slow," sexually, during a conversation and then expect that to be what happens when we are sexually intoxicated, that is, under the influence of sexual desire. If there is zero mutual sexual attraction this may work, but this situation will ultimately lead to an unfulfilling relationship for one or both partners.

managed_risk_2.htm#fox

managed_risk_3.htm#happened

To achieve your sexual goal you first must fulfill the non-sexual goal. To fulfill your ultimate goal of a balanced relationship, a balanced sexual relationship, the relationship must have a solid non-sexual foundation. This means you really need to have a true "old-fashioned courtship" with your partner that doesn't involve sex until the ground work has been completed. When you are comfortable with and trusting of your partner, enough to discuss your sexual expectations and concerns, then you are ready to explore sex, but not before. The intimacy you desire can't be achieved during three to six hours of casual banter that may occur prior to sex on the third date.

Here is some good advice on dating and sex:

http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-dating-rules

To address your sexual needs, masturbation appears to have fulfilled your sexual needs prior to the age of nineteen, and perhaps it can again. Perhaps you need to spice up your masturbation activities, so they are as exciting as your partnered experiences.

Another option is to continue to have sex with your female partners, or to have a "friends with benefits" relationship with a man. Though even when "friends" are having sex, there is an emotional aspect, and not necessarily on a mutual level.

Sorry for the long answer, but there isn't a short and easy answer, unless it is, if you truly want fulfilling sex, the answer is not to have sex.

What do you say to a potential partner? Tell them you are only interested in a serious relationship, and sex isn't an option until you believe that has been achieved. As the article linked to above states, some guys are going to be heading for door pretty quickly when they learn sex isn't going to happen anytime soon. If they are expecting sex by the third date, they surely aren't going to help you wait until the timing is more appropriate.

So it isn't only what you can do, but also what your partner "must" do. The other half of the equation.

Question: Hello...ummm...my question is kind of complicated so I guess I'll just give a little background on this issue.

Ok, I'm 19 years old and I haven't had the greatest sexually past. Don't get me wrong I know a heck of a lot about sex and what to do to please my partner but I also want to get in on the pleasing action two. I lost my virginity when I was 17 years old and it was absolutely horrible, I don't know if it was the guy's large penis or his just that I was so "tight" but I didn't enjoy it. When I went off to college I had my first anal experience which started off rough but I gradually learned to enjoy it. But my biggest issue seems to be with vaginal intercourse, I've only had vaginal sex twice ever since I lost my virginity and I've never enjoyed it so I read on this sex website that the only way to really enjoy it is by learning what you like (primarily) through masturbating. So, I've fingered myself a couple of times and it's not the greatest thing but it's helped me learn a few things that I enjoy and I've learned more about my anatomy. But recently I went out and purchased a vibrator and as far as clitoral stimulation it works great!...but the other day I tried to insert it inside my vagina and it was like my vagina closed its gates. I didn't force it in but I just tried to slowly inset it and it just wouldn't budge. I applied lubricant to the vibrator and my genitalia. I guess it's just kind of freaking me out because I've meet this guy and I'm sure he'll understand if I explain to him my "sexual past" but who wants to do that?...I want to offer him the best sexual experience without him having to hear my sob story (aka excuse).

So ultimately my question is: How can I insert my vibrator properly into my "tight" vagina without causing extreme discomfort? And two, Are there any other ways that I could try in using my vibrator to please myself (and teach myself a few more things)?

Answer: While you have already located your vagina, the following article contains information relevant to your experiences and concerns, and potential solutions.

locating_the_vagina.htm

The anatomy and function of your vagina are addressed in the following article:

anatomy_of_vagina.htm

Potential causes of pain during vaginal penetration are addressed in the following article.

female_virginity_2.htm#pain1

female_virginity_3.htm

If you still have concerns please feel free to write back.

Question: I'm 15 yrs old and my girlfriend is 14 yrs old. We both want to fulfill our desires so we usually rub each other's private parts in order to achieve that desire..

I want to ask what other types of oral sex positions you can recommend us ..

Till what extend is fingering safe?? Can I eat her pussy or can she like my dick ??

My curiosity is killing me. Can you please also inform me on how can we pass on any STDs if she has asthma. I am looking for a safe oral sex, so please help me out ..

Answer: All human interaction has the potential for the spreading of disease. During our normal daily activities we all risk contracting potentially deadly diseases. A common cold isn't as likely to result in death as the flu, yet we still interact with people on a frequent basis. Even so, we all must decide how much risk is considered acceptable to us. You and your girlfriend may not share the same level of risk taking.

Unfortunately, the younger we are the less we comprehend the true risks associated with our actions. I can certainly look back today and can't believe I did some of the things I did then that I wouldn't today. This is one of those subjects were you truly want to listen to your elders, because they aren't simply pulling your leg for their amusement.

As a sexually active teen you should also consider the number of sexual partners you will have in the future, not just your current partner, as the risk of STD transmission increases with the number of partners you have.

Some particularly harmful diseases, like HIV, are spread when body fluids are exchanged and a potentially harmful organism enter the blood stream or body of the previously uninfected person. Relatively recently it was discovered that a STD of the HPV type could be spread through kissing, and this HPV may cause a rare type of throat cancer, but the associated risk is believed to be very minimal. I don't believe this revelation has had any impact on the amount of kissing that occurs, but perhaps it has.

The website linked to below explains how HIV may be transmitted, and the potential risks associated with particular sexual activities.

http://www.sfaf.org/aids101/transmission.html

As far as oral sex it says the following:

"Oral sex (mouth-penis, mouth-vagina): The risk from oral sex is very minimal as the mouth is an inhospitable environment for HIV, for several reasons. Saliva contains enzymes that break down the virus; also, the skin of the mouth is sturdier than in the anus or vagina. There are, however, a few documented cases where it appears that HIV was transmitted orally. These cases are all attributed to ejaculation in the mouth (i.e., exposure to semen, not exposure to vaginal fluid or pre-seminal fluid).

Receiving oral sex is not risky because one is exposed only to saliva."

I must caution you that the information presented above applies only to HIV, not to all STDs. Though, if you are preventing HIV transmission you are likely preventing the transmission of most STDs.

As far as fingering your girlfriend, if you have an open cut on your finger, even a tiny one, and she has HIV or another blood born disease, then it may be transmitted from her vulva and vagina to your finger by her vaginal lubrication and fluids. If she stimulates your penis with her hand, the same risk exists in reverse with the fluids produced by your penis, including sebum and pre-cum.

For there to be truly "safe sex" there can't be the exchange of blood, semen, vaginal/vulvar fluids or possibly pre-cum from one person to another.

Your safest options are to masturbate alone or together, sharing no body fluids at all. Kissing and non-genital or anal stimulation appears to have little or no risk for HIV, but other diseases like yeast and cold sores (herpes) may still be transmitted orally. Hugging fully clothed is safe, and so aren't body massages that don't include genital/anal contact.

For fingering and hand-jobs, latex or Nitrile surgical gloves are recommended, and may actually improve the experience when used with a lubricant that is compatible with latex. Your local drug store or pharmacy likely has them, and you can clam to need them for a school science project if asked.

For oral sex, condoms will reduce the risks associated with fellatio, if they are applied and removed correctly, thus preventing the exchange of body fluids. Dental dams, or a condom cut in half lengthwise, can be used as a barrier during cunnilingus.

Google links to lots of information on using condoms correctly:

http://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en#hl=en&source=hp&q=how+to+put+on+a+condom

Here is instructions on creating a dental dam from a condom:

http://std.about.com/od/prevention/ht/dentaldamhowto.htm

The following website lists alternatives to penile-vaginal intercourse.

http://www.birth-control-comparison.info/sex_without_risk.htm

I don't know if asthma increases any risk factors, but it certainly doesn't reduce them, so the same protections must be used regardless. Having asthma would likely worsen the consequences of a particularly harmful STD, as her respiratory system is already impaired. A common cold likely poses greater risk to her than you. It probably isn't a bad idea for you to read up on the challenges presented by asthma during sex.

http://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en#hl=en&source=hp&q=asthma+sex

The following website has several suggestions for positions for oral sex, though I suspect some aren't intended for beginners. Take things slow. Keep it playful. Don't focus on orgasm or ejaculation, but pleasure and intimacy. Experiment for a few minutes at a time, taking a breather in-between sessions. You don't want either of you to experience lock jaw or a stiff neck. Don't be afraid to ask questions, like, "Are you comfortable?" You both are young, don't be in a rush to do it all.

http://www.sexinfo101.com/sp_oralsex.shtml

I link to additional information about STDs on the following page:

managed_risk_4.htm#stds

Question: I'm an 18 year old female and I recently experienced a very strange orgasm and was wondering if you could shed some light on it for me.

Just some background on what a normal orgasm feels for me: during masturbation I stimulate my clitoris mostly but occasionally my vagina too just to satisfy a need I feel to just have something in me. I generally lay on my back with my legs straight in front of me. I find it very easy to orgasm through clitoral stimulation and often have multiple orgasms. All the feelings prior to this strange session had been located in my genital region ranging from a slow burning sensation up to a giant release when I reached climax, pretty normal stuff. My whole body releases, but I've never felt anything other than just relaxation and a release of tension throughout my body until this past time.

So this orgasm I'm wondering about was brought about through a session of phone sex with a good friend (the first time for both of us). It started out as just a conversation so I wasn't particularly in the mood and was not using my usual methods with an orgasm in mind. I was lying on my stomach, propped up with one knee and began solely stimulating my vagina using my fingers. This went on for about 10 mins and having never had a purely vaginal orgasm I didn't expect I would have one. It was weak and quite different from the usual feelings I have but I am convinced it was indeed an orgasm. The perplexing part of the whole experience was the feelings in my body. It starting with a tingling in my nose during the masturbation itself, and slowly spread throughout my body about 5 mins after I had finished stimulating myself. When it reached its peak it felt like a combination of being mildly electrocuted and when a body part "falls asleep" due to lack of blood flow. This feeling was most predominately felt in my hands, feet, and face although I felt it more mildly all over. Also out of the ordinary I felt full of energy whereas normally I feel snugly, cozy, and tired after an orgasm. Most surprising was the fact this this tingling feeling lasted well over half an hour and was incredibly intense. This experience felt very spiritual and I almost felt like I could just jump into a higher state of being.

It was an absolutely incredible feeling and I'm wondering if you've ever heard of anything similar or what might have been going on physically to cause this reaction.

Answer: I'm not a doctor so I cannot provide a medical diagnosis, only general information.

I don't know the cause of your experience, but did learn others have had similar experiences. Based on a single experience, I don't believe your experience is a reason for concern, and there is some indications it could be perfectly normal.

The position of your body sounds a bit awkward, which makes me believe there is the possibility for a pinched nerve. You don't mention the position of your hands, neck, phone, etc but it seems your body was possibly in an unnatural or physically stressful position.

The tingling likely indicates your autonomic nervous system was activated. On the website, in the Q&A linked to below, tingling is mentioned in reference to an experience of anxiety. This doesn't mean you had an anxiety attack, only that the same bodily systems and mechanisms may have been active. These new and unexpended experiences and feelings could also have caused anxiety. The tingling nose or unfamiliar sexual experience could have triggered mild anxiety causing its own set of symptoms, meaning we could be dealing with more than one cause and effect.

qa_9.htm

References on the internet mention tingling could be caused by stress, and since this was your first experience of phone sex, it is possible this was to some degree an emotionally stressful experience, not to mention physically stressful, because of the body position and unfamiliar masturbation method. These references makes mention of stress induced tingling that spreads throughout the body.

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Neurology/Numbness--tingling-Rt-side-of-body/show/296753

http://symptoms.wrongdiagnosis.com/cosymptoms/nose-tingling-desc.htm

During an anxiety attack a person may hyperventilate, as we may during masturbation and sex. You don't mention your rate of breathing in your email. Someone made the following comment on the website linked to below:

"As everyone else writes it's so good to know others experience similar symptoms. Try not to let it scare me, but I've hat the tingling and numbness in my face/jaw when have an intense orgasm. The hyperventilation theory does sound like it could be the cause. Can't help but worry it's something more serious like a stroke. :blink: "

http://www.power-surge.com/php/forums/lofiversion/index.php/t3173.html

Tingling during full body or tantric induced orgasms appears to be a common experience, as mentioned on the following website and Google search.

http://www.dreamviews.com/community/showthread.php?p=1329575

http://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en#hl=en&source=hp&q=full+body+%2Borgasm+%2Btingling

I have heard mention that vaginal and G-Spot orgasms are more likely to result in full body orgasms, and strong emotional responses. When stimulating your inner vagina, G-Spot, and cervix you are stimulating a different nervous system than when stimulating your vulva, clitoris, or outer vagina, as mentioned in the following article and diagrams.

female_sexual_nervous_system_2.htm

And this Q&A:

qa_8.htm#q6

I hope this information is of help, even if it doesn't provide a definitive answer.

Question: I know that this site is aimed at women but I have notices that a lot of men write to you, I truly value the advice that you give and the answers to questions is always comprehensive.

Ok, not sure if I am looking for an answer or an affirmation of my actions. I have a real problem (I wouldn't be writing if I didn't) I am a single guy aged 45 and still a virgin, I haven't had a girlfriend or any sexual encounter at all, I haven't even kissed properly. So my experience of sex is zero. I have a lot of hang ups with regards sex, my main one is a fear of female genitals, the thought of touching a vagina is as abhorrent to me as touching a rat or spider is to other people. I don't know where this fear comes from but I know that I have had it since pre-teen years following sex education at school.

Sex was never talked about at home and maybe this has induced a guilt of finding a vagina arousing - I do find images of naked women arousing and I am naturally attracted to women which suggests that I am not gay - I don't find porn all that exciting but do sometimes look at nude photos of women, sometimes I find this images repulsive where as other times I can find them arousing.

When I was aged 6 or there about I was sexually assaulted by a man in a public toilet, it was only a minor incident and just involved him touching my penis. This has made using a public toilet very difficult and stops from standing close to people.

I saw an escort about 8 years ago but had to leave as the anxiety of being with her brought on a panic attack. I have thought about trying again but have decided to see my Doctor to see if I can get some psychological help with this matter.

I would be interested to see if you agree with my idea to seek medical help and perhaps some of your female readers have had boyfriends/partners with a similar fear which they managed to help overcome.

Answer: A sex therapist may be able to help you, but probably not a medical doctor. There are sex surrogates that help men address sexual issues, but I don't know if they exist in your area.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_surrogate

I know a couple were the guy has an aversion to oral sex, as a result of an experience related to him by a friend as a young adult. Combined with other factors, his partner is left a bit sexually frustrated. Another couple was together for six years though they never engage in penile-vaginal intercourse, but they did engage in other sexual activities. The guy is a 40+ year old virgin, and while the stated reason for his not engaging in intercourse is he doesn't want children, and birth control is against his religion, I believe there is another reason altogether for his virginity. Another person wrote me because they had an aversion to orally stimulating the vulva because his first sexual partner had an unpleasant smelling vulva. Your experience probably isn't as rare as you may believe, simply not openly talked about.

Question: I wanna ask, if a 19 year old girl's vagina is tight during intercourse, how to locate the vaginal orifice, because there are two orifices--vaginal and urethral...

Answer: The urethral orifice is much smaller and less elastic than the vagina. It is extremely unlikely the penis could find its way into the urethra.

Using force to insert the penis into the vagina can and does result in injury to the vulva. It is perhaps better to allow the woman to guide the penis into her vagina.

qa_46.htm#q7

Question: My girlfriend of 2 years has an extremely difficult time reaching an orgasm. I don't want to call it an issue as its been present throughout our relationship, but as time has gone on it's become more difficult for her to orgasm. At this point the only way she can get to that point is by rubbing her clitoris during intercourse. I used to be able to get her there with very slow penetration, almost not moving slow, that unfortunately doesn't work anymore. There are times when she gets extremely frustrated to the point of tears almost like she's mad she can't orgasm, she says it feels good and that its like she's right on the verge but sometimes she just can't "finish". I'm wondering if there might be something more I could do for/to her to help alleviate the frustration level. I know a lot of women have a hard time "getting there" so i guess I'm wondering if there are other methods we could try for an easier orgasm. I really appreciate any advice you could give, and I'm sure she'll be eternally grateful.

Answer: If she is wanting or needing to experience orgasm I can only suggest she use a more effective stimulation method, such as masturbation and/or using a vibrator or water spray, alone or with you present. Vaginal stimulation isn't a reliable stimulation method for the majority of women.

During partnered sex women only experience orgasm 69% of the time, only 52% of the time if they are between the ages of 16 and 19, as mentioned in the forum posting linked to below. The most effective methods of stimulation are manual or oral stimulation of the vulva, not vaginal intercourse.

../phpbb/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=13

During intercourse, some women always experience orgasm, others never, but on average they experience orgasm only 40% of the time, or only 2 out of 5 experiences, as mentioned in the article linked to below. The odds are simply against vaginal orgasm.

anatomy_of_vagina_2_2.htm#sensitivity

The unfortunate truth is, the harder she tries to have an orgasm the less likely she is to have one, as her body moves from a sexual to a defensive mode of functioning. If what she is doing isn't working she needs to try a new form of physical and/or mental stimulation. She may need privacy so she can masturbate and fantasize to orgasm, without you being a distraction. This is a simple fact of life.

It may help to know why she expects to be able to experience orgasm on every occasion, possibly as a result of messages she gets from the mass media, because her peers on average aren't anymore orgasmic than she is.

The greater the number of unfulfilling experiences, the greater the likelihood "performance anxiety" will prevent orgasm altogether.

You or she may need to keep a menstrual/sexual calendar to determine if her menstrual cycle influences her orgasmic potential, as well as factors like work and life stress.

As your relationship becomes less new, it takes greater effort to keep sex fun and exciting. What use to work may no longer work today, especially if it is no longer new and exciting. All relationships experience these changes, and without a strong non-sexual basis they usually end.

Question: In regard to a question about making ones clit larger you mentioned using testosterone 1-3%. Is this a cream that is applied directly to the clitoris or just rubbed into the skin anywhere on the body? How many times a day would one apply the cream?

Answer: I'm not a doctor so I cannot provide a medical diagnosis, only general information.

While I mention testosterone cream may enlarge the clitoris, I don't know how effective it is at doing so, or potentially adverse side effects.

Here are some links to information on testosterone cream use by women.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Testosterone-Cream-For-Women&id=2456992

The following article states the following:

"For women who overdo this, there can be a condition called clitoromegaly (an enlargement of the clitoris). For some women, that would be considered a problem, for others it would not."

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/testosterone-cream-and-libido

The following article states the following:

"For postmenopausal women, I begin by placing them on "start up" small dose of a testosterone cream or gel (usually at .25 to 1 milligram every other day in the am applied to the neck area behind the jaw for best absorption capacity, or the inner non sun exposed area of the upper arm hangs next to the chest wall). The dose is individualized over time."

http://www.mesomorphosis.com/articles/ullis/contrarian-endocrinology-01.htm

They are applying the cream to the neck so it may more easily enter the blood stream and circulate throughout the body, affecting areas throughout the body that are sensitive to testosterone. If you are only wanting to enlarge the clitoris, then you don't want this to occur, and this is why you would apply it directly to the clitoris, and perhaps in a smaller dosage.

Question: I have had since my first period when I was 9 (I am now in my late 20s), a fairly constant vaginal discharge, usually of clear or whitish slippery fluid. It has no odor unless for some unknown reason I don't bathe for a few days, whereupon it's faintly pungent. I can rule out arousal lubrication as it happens even without arousal, and the amount of it requires me to wear tighter panties or a panty liner almost constantly even between periods for fear of getting my pants wet. Going without panties at all is impossible.

I can't afford going to a gynecologist to have it professionally tested, but the lack of odor, itching or rash makes me think it's not a vaginal infection. Do you have any ideas?

Answer: The article and quotes linked to below should answer your questions.

anatomy_of_vagina_2_2.htm#vfluids

These articles may also be of help.

feminine_hygiene.htm

vaginal_infections.htm

Question: The author requested that her letter not be posted online, so to summarize: A young woman could masturbate to orgasm quite easily yet could not experience orgasm with her partner, even though she found the sex extremely arousing. She had experienced orgasm a couple times when she started exploring partnered sex. She was asking for any insight I might be able to provide.

Answer: Have you tried masturbating in front of your boyfriend? Perhaps once you are able to experience orgasm with him using your hand, his will have the same affect. You can tell him you have a surprise for him, close your eyes, fantasize, and masturbate as you do when alone. It may take practice to learn how to remain focused on your fantasy and touch when he is watching, or the experience could be so erotic you have an orgasm within seconds.

Based on your masturbation experiences, outercourse may also result in orgasm, and is addressed in the article linked to below.

outercourse.htm

You can use your vibrator in front of him, showing him how you use it, then allow him to use it on you.

The barrier to orgasm may be the result of your brain being focused on the moment, whereas during masturbation it is focused on arousing sexual thoughts. Try closing your eyes or using a blindfold and fantasizing while your partner stimulates you, slowly at first so his touch isn't a significant distraction. He might give you a full body massage while you close your eyes and fantasize. Perhaps you can relate your fantasies to your boyfriend.

Another possibility is that your fantasies don't have any connection to your actual sexual experiences, a common experience. You might try fantasizing about your partner, or acting out a fantasy with your partner. If your boyfriend is comfortable with the idea, dress him up as a girl and make love him as if he were a girl, complete with a girl's name. You can explain, and show him through this website, that heterosexual girls commonly fantasize about sex with other girls, and this preference has nothing to do with him or your sexual orientation.

The orgasms you experienced at the beginning of your sexual experiences with partners may have resulted because you were a little nervous, self-conscience, and less in control than today. You may have been thinking about something other than what you do today, or at least were more distracted.

You can explore surrendering control by exploring a little light bondage. Tie loops large enough to easily fit your hands through at both ends of a short piece of rope. Loop the rope over your head board or bed post, and slip your hands through the loops, grasping the rope with your hands. The restraints are symbolic, as your hands should slip free if you let go of the rope. Now have your partner blindfold you and sexually stimulate you. At this point they might start a sexual conversation with you, perhaps he can threaten to do all sorts of naughty things to you, and you can beg that he not. The intent being to surrender control and get your brain focused on something that is arousing, not what your partner is doing, or orgasm.

You may want to try drinking a glass or two of wine, just enough to take the edge off, but not enough to be intoxicated. Whether this works or not, you wouldn't want to make a habit of it, just a couple times to help get beyond the barrier.

You might explore sex in a situation where you might get caught, so you are a little nervous and distracted. Go out in public wearing a short skirt with nothing on underneath, and let your boyfriend stimulate your vulva in a crowded bar, on park bench at night, in a movie theater, etc.

You may be experiencing "performance anxiety" that originated with your prior partner(s), meaning you need to have more positive thoughts about orgasm during partnered sex. You don't want to be saying to yourself that you can't have an orgasm. You might get in the habit of saying to yourself, anytime you look in the mirror or at the beginning of a sexual experience, "I can experience orgasm with [insert boyfriend's name]"