Questions and Answers About Female Sexuality Volume 46: Questions 461-470

Question: Hi, I've just been reading some of your views and comments on SEXUAL DESIRE, I wanted to see if anyone had any views on Sensual/Tantric massage as myself and my partner recently visited a Tantric massage centre. It was quite erotic however not as sensual and interactive as I thought it would be???

The reason for this is that myself and my partner wanted to feel more of a sexual desire for each other and heard this was a very good way to connect and feel that sexual bond which we have been lacking in recent months....Any views on this or any other suggestions would be much appreciated....Thanks

Answer: I'm not a practitioner of Tantra but have given women 1, 2, and 3 hour long sensual massages. I would presume increased sexual desire would occur secondary to other things occurring first. Some of the women experienced an increased desire for sex during the course of the massage, as a result of relaxation, sexual pleasure, and heightened sexual arousal. In some cases, increased sexual desire was the result of being given permission to be sexual.

In the short term, sensual or tantric massage teaches you how to relax and how to give pleasure with your hands. In addition, you focus on the needs of your partner, rather than yourself. It is also something new and exciting, a powerful aphrodisiac. As a result of all these factors you may find sex more desirable, and with your new skills, capable of giving your partner increased pleasure. Increased sexual arousal may lead to increased desire. A more fulfilling sex life would likely increase your desire for sex. The more sexual you are, the more sexual you can be.

The sexual desire is the result of increased focus, touch, and relaxation, and perhaps increased trust. If these things aren't achieved or experienced in the training then increased desire seems much less likely. What may prevent these things from occurring are environmental and relational in origin. If there is discord within your relationship it would be difficult to have a positive sexual outcome. If your living environment is stressful, a weekend of tantric training is less likely to have a positive outcome, especially if the stressors are always in the back of your mind.

It is my understanding that true tantra is a way of life rather than a weekend hobby. If you achieve a harmonious environment and relationship then increased, or at least less muted, sexual desire seems likely. Stress has a very negative affect on our lives and health, and our sexuality is likely to suffer too.

I would examine what has been changing in your lives over the past few months and see if this change has caused stress and/or discord. If so, then this must be addressed before desire can return. Practicing your newly acquired skills on a regular basis may help with mild stress, but the cause of that stress must also be addressed directly. If there is relational discord, sex is likely counterproductive, as sex relies on trust, as does sensual massage.

Question Part 1: I am only 15 and I've never had sex. I'm wondering if they're is something wrong with me, sexually, because I have a strong desire for sexual activity (masturbation in particular), yet when I try masturbating, I receive very little satisfaction. I've tried many of the different methods on his awesome website, but I usually just get bored and stop. Frankly, I don't know how to start out with masturbation, and this is leaving me very frustrated. I've thought that perhaps one of the reasons I just get bored and give up is because I did very little experimenting when I was a child. How can I help this and get some satisfaction? Thank you.

Answer Part 1: What do you mean by "satisfaction"? Are you not experiencing sexual pleasure, orgasms, or aren't the orgasms leaving you feeling satisfied?

Many of the Q&As linked to below address these topics and were asked by teens concerned about their sexuality.

Q&A Subject Index: Puberty, Adolescence, and Self Discovery

Question Part 2: I experience a little bit of pleasure at first, but never any orgasms. Frankly, I begin to feel strong pleasure but then it leaves after a couple of minutes without any orgasm, and I get bored if I continue to masturbate. I've never experienced any orgasm, ever.
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Answer Part 2: Have you explored sexual fantasies to help you become and maintain arousal? Do you masturbate while reading the shared sexual fantasies and experiences? What and how are you stimulating it? Have you explored your vulva with a mirror and identified your clitoris and other body parts? Are you holding your breath or clenching your muscles, you shouldn't. Have you tried masturbating using water spray from a tub faucet or handheld shower head? Do you have an electric toothbrush you can experiment with? I don't need to know the answer to these questions, they are only things you should take into consideration.

You may expect too much too soon. Learn to make love to your entire body, including your brain, rather than focusing on a few minutes of genital stimulation. Take a relaxing bath or shower, fantasize, apply lotion to your entire body, read some erotica, lightly tease and explore ALL your erogenous zones, rather than focusing on your clitoris. Apply a lubricant to your vulva, vegetable or olive oil with work if nothing else is available. Don't expect a big bang, but a growing warmth that spreads throughout your body. Your breathing and heart rates must increase, and you should begin to perspire, if you are going slow enough and allowing arousal to build.

The survey linked to below explores when girls and women begin engaging in sexual activities, alone and with a partner, and experience their first orgasms. I don't believe your lack of childhood sexual experience is necessarily the cause, though we do tend to become more inhibited the older we are, or at least think about what we are doing too much. If you have been taught sex and masturbation are bad then this may impair your sexuality, but not inexperience by itself.

Survey: A Woman's First Orgasms

The following Q&As have information that is perhaps relevant to your experience:

I'm 16, I've been masturbating for 6 month but I have never reached orgasm, what should I do?

I'm 19, please help me discover and explore my elusive sexuality?

I'm sixteen and while I experience sexual arousal I'm not experiencing sexual pleasure during masturbation and partnered sex, can you explain why?

I'm new to partnered sex and my sexual experiences aren't fulfilling, can you explain why?

Perception of Sexual Arousal and Desire

I need some advice, my arousal goes away so I cannot experience orgasm alone and with my partner.

The following article provides information on how some girls learn to masturbate, and may guide you in your explorations:

Outercourse

This Q&A also addresses when and how girls begin to masturbate.

How do most girls learn to masturbate and at what age?

The following article explores incorporating masturbation into dance and exercise.

Aerobic Orgasm Exercise: Dance and Exercise Your Way to Orgasm

Question Part 1: I have a major concern with my vaginal opening. There is a narrow piece of skin connecting from one side to the other and I was wondering if that means I am deformed because I never feel sexy or anything whenever engaging in sexual activity. What should I do? I am 16 and my mother doesn't seem to care.

Also, I have been masturbating and realized I do not become "wet" at all. Why is this? It makes me sad that I have to use some kind of lubricant such as spit to get any sensations..

Answer Part 1: The piece of skin is likely a normal part of your hymen. An example is shown in the image linked to below:

Illustrations: Hymen

This image is shown in the article about the hymen linked to below. There are photos of hymen in that article, and the article links to medical articles with photos of hymen.

The Mysterious Hymen Revealed

It is extremely unlikely but the skin may also be a vaginal septum, which is mentioned in the article linked to below:

Anatomy of Vagina: Developmental Anomalies

The survey linked to below indicates women normally experience different amounts of vaginal lubrication, and it can take time for that lubrication to reach their vulva. If you are laying flat on your back, the lubrication may pool around your cervix rather than exiting out of your vagina, at least until you sit upright. You may need to fantasize about something sexual or stimulate other areas of your body first, perhaps your nipples, before you begin stimulating your vulva or vagina, to allow time for vaginal lubrication to appear at your vulva. As long as you aren't engaging in partnered sex requiring the use of a condom, you can use vegetable, olive, mineral, baby, or massage oil as a lubricant for your vulva, and these items are likely readily available in your home. You can't use these lubricants with a condom because the oil causes them to break down quickly and fail.

Survey: Female Sexual Arousal

Question Part 2: Hello, I've submitted a previous question about the piece of skin on the hymen that I have. I was wondering is there anyway to get rid of it? If I was to lose my virginity will it disappear?

Also, I find myself disgusted by the male penis however I am not compelled enough to do anything with a female.

Answer Part 2: I would presume the tissue would tear or break when something of sufficient size is inserted into your vagina for the first time. It depends on how large the openings in your hymen are, and the strength and elasticity of the tissue. What and how much tissue remains afterwards would likely depend on a number of factors. As my article states, and the medical references also mention, some of the hymeneal tissue will likely remain until you deliver a baby vaginally. Your hymen doesn't magically disappear following vaginal penetration. You can get a general idea of what the first experience of vaginal intercourse is like for women based on their responses to the following survey.

Survey: A Woman's First Experience of Vaginal Intercourse (Current)

Unless you have been sexually abused by a male, I would presume you are uncomfortable with the sight of a penis because you didn't see them when you were younger, and perhaps see partnered sex as an unappealing activity. Repeatedly looking at photos of penises may help you to become more accustomed to their appearance, as would experimenting with a life-like dildo when you are old enough to own one. The more you see penises, the less adverse you may be to seeing and eventually touching them. Penises tend to look more attractive when erect, I believe. If and when you find yourself sexually attracted to a boy or man, your desire to engage in sex and give your partner pleasure may decrease your aversion, if your aversion isn't too strong. Some couples only engage in vaginal intercourse, because the sight, taste, or smell of their genitals is unappealing, or other sexual activities aren't appealing to them for numerous reasons. You would definitely want to make your partner aware of your feelings before exploring partnered sex, as otherwise your sexual experiences may have a very negative outcome.

Question Part 3: Hello once again, I'm sorry if I keep pestering you with all of these questions. But I was wondering something, how is it that many women report that their clitoris sticks out? Do they all do this or is mine too small or the hood too big?

Also, how do I prolong the feeling of sexual arousal without finishing? And what how do I tell if I have an orgasm because I feel like I finish too soon without anything gained.

Please and thank you :)

Answer Part 3: Women have greatly varying sized clitorises and clitoral hoods, and surrounding structures. Some have a small clitoris and large prominent hood, others a large prominent clitoris with small hood. In addition, the size of their outer labia will determine how much is normally visible. The female figure study photos linked to below show the great variation that exists, as demonstrated when women are standing with their legs together.

Female Figure Studies: What Women Truly Look Like Under Their Cloths

The article linked to below mentions the normal size variations for the clitoris and labia.

Clitoral and Labial Size

It appears many women use the start and stop method to prolong arousal and increase the intensity of their orgasms. They masturbate to the point of orgasm then stop or reduce the intensity of stimulation until their level of arousal decreases a little. You can also explore stimulating different erogenous zones. It may take practice to learn how to do this. Others have asked about delaying their orgasms, as they occurred quickly and with little pleasure. You should also explore Kegel exercises, to help you understand your body, and to strengthen your pelvic muscles and possibly intensify your orgasms. Don't forget your brain is your largest sexual organ, and it should be stimulated too.

Wikipedia: Kegel Exercise

Kegel

Mayo Clinic: Kegel Exercises: A How-to Guide for Women

Question: Every since I can remember my clitoris has been huge. Protruding from the labia and all; and I never had a problem with it, in fact the orgasms from penetration were phenomenal, but 3 years ago I had my second child (vaginally, like the first) and had my tubes tied 6 weeks later. Since my clitoris had shrank severely and I miss the phenomenal orgasms I used to have. Any reasons why this may have happened and any way to get it back to its original size?

Answer: I'm not a doctor so I cannot provide a medical diagnosis, only general information.

The changes could be the result of hormonal and/or structural changes in your body. There could be two unrelated causes for your symptoms. Did the size of your clitoris decrease in size, or the size of the surrounding tissue, the hood, your labia? The clitoris is sensitive to androgens, the surrounding tissues possibly only estrogens. The loss of pleasure during intercourse could be the result of loss of pelvic muscle tone and injuries to these muscles during vagina delivery, rather than changes in your clitoris, as your clitoris is likely located an inch away from your vagina. Please see the information linked to below:

Why is my clitoris desensitized following vaginal delivery?

Is it possible for the clitoris to shrink in size?

I'm 41 years old and preorgasmic, are my three cesarean sections the possible cause?

I'm 34 weeks pregnant and my clitoris has become hard, can you explain why?

Androgens and Female Sexuality: The Hormones of Desire

The article about the anatomy of the vagina may provide supporting information that will help you determine exactly what has changed, which will help with determining a cause and solution.

Anatomy of Vagina

To the best of my knowledge, having your tubes tied should not adversely affect your hormone levels or pelvic muscles. If the laparoscopic procedure damaged a blood vessel or nerve then that may explain some of your symptoms. You might consider what affect your prior birth control method may have had on your body and hormone levels, and as a result your vulva and vagina.

You may need to have your doctor test your hormone levels, and an appropriately trained physical therapist test the condition of your pelvic muscles and supporting structures. Here is a Google search for information about the physical therapy aspect.

Google: physical therapist pelvic muscle tone

If you have additional questions please feel free to write back.

Question: As a child, I learned how to masturbate by leaning on the corner of a table, with my legs tensed tightly together behind me, and applying constant pressure to my clitoris until I came. I did not know what that orgasm feeling was at the time, just that it felt awesome--so I continued masturbating like that (often several times a day) from childhood to adulthood. The problem is that, now, as a 28-year old, I cannot achieve orgasm any other way than to lean on the corner of a bed or a table or sink with my legs tensed tightly together straight behind me. No man I have been with has ever brought me to orgasm --not even close. There is simply not enough constant pressure that can recreate the sensation created by the corner of a hard surface, and as much as I try to direct my partner to "press it hard like a button instead of rubbing it back and forth," it just doesn't feel the same. It's like my clit is numb. I've tried learning how to achieve orgasm other ways--dildos, vibrators, bullets, but nothing does the trick. Sometime I wonder if I've damaged my clit with the extreme amount of pressure I've inflicted on it over the years. My inability to orgasm during sex has affected my relationships with men (at least the insecure ones). Is there any technique or sexual position you would recommend that would be good for someone like me or a way to "retrain" my body to orgasm via more conventional means? Thanks.

Answer: Other women have had a similar experience and the subject is addressed on the website, at the locations linked to below:

The Female Sexual Nervous System: Stimulation and Sensation - Tension Orgasms

Has my girlfriend's masturbation technique of using a door desensitized her clitoris?

I can experience orgasm during masturbation but have been faking it during partnered sex with my current and past partners, can you help?

If you still have questions please feel free to write back.

Question: Okay, so I am eighteen and have enjoyed the company of women since I was thirteen. And by company I mean I am homosexual. What I'm here to ask is that when my partner or I stimulate my clitoris I can reach orgasm but only once. After the one time it starts to hurt fairly bad. Why does that happen or can I stop it from happening and just keep getting consecutive orgasms?

And I would also like to know why exactly I can not reach vaginal orgasm? It feels good and all but not as good as what people describe it as?

Answer: The increased sensitivity following orgasm is a common experience. For information on multiple orgasms please see the Q&As linked to below:

Q & A: Female Sexual Arousal & Orgasm - Multiple Orgasms

Many women do not experience vaginal orgasms, contrary to popular expectation. Please see the information linked to below:

Anatomy of Vagina: Sensitivity to Sexual Stimulation

I've just started creating the following article, which addresses sexually stimulating the vagina.

Sexually Stimulating Vagina

You are more likely to experience orgasm during vaginal stimulation if your prostate gland, commonly called the G-Spot, is being stimulated.

Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot

You might also consider stimulating your cervix:

The Sexual Cervix

Question Part 1: I was wondering if its possible that I broke my own hymen. I bled just a tiny amount while masturbating. and I noticed that after that it doesn't hurt when I push things far in. It actually feels great. Is it possible I broke my hymen?

Answer Part 1: Please see the Q&A linked to below:

Will I tear or damage my hymen while stimulating by vulva during masturbation?

You may have nicked or scratched your vulva, and this may have been the cause of the bleeding.

Question Part 2: I've thought about that. But there's no way I could have scratched myself. I don't use my hand and I don't have long fingernails anyway. And what I do use to masturbate with is soft and smooth. So I really don't think that was the cause.

Answer Part 2: The hymen is made of soft tissue so it is possible you tore it as a result of the pressure you placed on your vulva. Your pain threshold is increased when you are sexually aroused, and during arousal you may not be fully aware of everything that is occurring to your vulva. The vulvar tissues are relatively delicate, and vascular, meaning it doesn't take much to cause injury or blood loss. You may also have caused a tiny tear to your inner or outer labia, stretched your vulva tissues, or separated clitoral adhesions.

Some women have reported bleeding that may have come from their uterus.

Did masturbation cause my vaginal bleeding?

Can you tell me why I am experiencing bleeding after I masturbate?

Question: Hi, I'm 14 and I just recently discovered your website and I am sooo grateful for it. Well I have a couple of questions I wanted to ask you. The first question is, I have this friend who I've been best friends with for 8 years, and I was wondering how I could ask her if she masturbates. I have been masturbating since I was 5 or 6. She is really conservative, but I know she trust me. I'm just afraid she will think I'm a freak for doing it if she doesn't. The second question is why do I have to rub my clitoris so hard and fast to reach an orgasm? Because at first, I jerked at the touch of my clitoris. The third question is, is it okay for me to look at internet porn? My mom found out, but she doesn't seem to care very much. I don't look at it that often, but what I look at is pretty hard-core stuff. I would really be thankful if you replied soon. Thank you so much!

Answer: You might mention or refer your friend to a website, like this one, that mentions how the majority of women and teens masturbate, and see how she responds. If she is comfortable with the website, then you can say your cousin told you she does it, and if she responds favorably to this, admit to it yourself. I wouldn't ask her out right if she masturbates, as she wont know your motive for wanting to know, good or bad.

How quickly are you masturbating to orgasm? Perhaps your body needs more time become aroused, and for the sensitivity of your clitoris and vulva to increase, as a result of blood engorgement. Use your mind to get aroused, then explore physical stimulation. You might also be conditioned to need this intense stimulation, and the only solution would be to use less intense stimulation even if orgasm doesn't result. With time, the sensitivity of your clitoris may increase, if not regularly exposed to intense stimulation. You may also need to use a lubricant, like vegetable or olive oil, so your clitoris isn't so sensitive too light touch. I would also ensure you are stimulating your clitoris, as many women mistake something else for their clitoris. See the following information.

Has my girlfriend's masturbation technique of using a door desensitized her clitoris?

I can't find my girlfriend's clitoris, can you help me find it?

The thing to be aware of with most porn is the participants are acting, especially when it comes to female sexual pleasure, which is often faked. Actually, this is true even in mainstream movies you see on cable and at the movies. You don't want to interpret what you see as an example of the sex you personally will experience, at least in the near future. These videos and photos also leave out the less glamorous details of partnered sex, like the associated risks, and the complexity of having a relationship with another person. It can be a bit challenging to find examples of real sex on the internet. Enjoy your porn, but keep the information presented in the article linked to below in mind when you begin to explore partnered sex.

Managing the Risks Associated with Partnered Sex

As well as this article, were is talks about the different types of Intimacy.

Female Sexual Desire

If the porn allows you to delay engaging in partnered sex until you are truly ready, great, if porn compels you to seek out partnered sex before you are truly ready, not good at all.

Question: Is electrosex really pleasurable or is it more of an exotic allure but doesn't really work well.. is it catching on and becoming more popular. It seems that it might work well in doing the Kegel exercise.

Answer: This is not a subject I have much knowledge of. I attended a seminar several years ago but don't recall the specifics. The seminar may have been more about safety and general use than the end result of that electrical stimulation. I witnessed a man being stimulated with electricity as part of a dominance and submission scene, and he was later reported to have found it very pleasurable. Some of the people present at the event were using electricity to cause discomfort, as part of S&M activities.

Electrical stimulation does stimulate the nerves of the body, as to whether that stimulation is pleasurable likely depends on a number of factors. There are individuals who enjoy stimulating their erogenous zones with electricity, but I'm sure some who try it don't find it enjoyable, and the reasons why could be anything from improper technique to personal preference. As with all aspects of human sexuality, nothing applies to everyone.

Given there are several companies that produce a wide range of devices for electrical stimulation, one has to presume many people find it enjoyable, or at least stimulating. Individuals may differ on whether the stimulation is erotic or simply stimulating. For some, orgasm may not be the desired or necessary end result, for it to be considered a pleasurable activity.

Regimented electrical stimulation of the vagina may increase pelvic muscle tone but may not produce the desired increase in body awareness and control. It is important for women to know how to distinguish between when their pelvic muscles are relaxed or tensed, and have voluntary control over those states. Electrical stimulation of the vagina may cause the contractions and sensations, but without the desired voluntary control.

The FDA has information on Electronic Muscle Stimulators, and provides insight into their limitations:

FDA: Electronic Muscle Stimulators

Wikipedia also has information with links to references, when used for muscle training, not erotic purposes:

Wikipedia: Electrical Muscle Stimulation

A Google search locates information about electrical sexual stimulation:

Google: Electrical Sexual Stimulation

Question: Hi, I'm 17 and after finding this website I have started to explore more about myself, but its kinda embarrassing but there is a smell to it. Its not a fishy smell or the odor that comes with a period, but I wondered if there is something wrong

Answer: Please see the information linked to below.

Feminine Hygiene: Care of Your Vulva and Vagina - Scent

Anatomy of Vagina: The Protective Vaginal Environment

Anatomy of Vagina: Vaginal and Vulvar Fluids