Question: My boyfriend has been pestering me for the longest time to try some anal. Luckily he is not bothering me to do this for his own satisfaction, but he has heard that a lot of women like anal and that it can give them stronger orgasms. With a lot of pestering, I caved, but we both feel comfortable only using fingers at the moment.
The first time we tried any kind of anal was completely unplanned, and oddly enough, a complete success as well. Without any trouble, or even any lubrication, I was able to have an entire finger inserted into my anus without causing anything but small discomfort. Because of this, both my boyfriend and I, who were not terribly interested nor aroused by anal, were very excited about this experimentation we had done, and planned on trying again.
Unfortunately, any time afterward has been the opposite. No matter how much lubrication is used, or how much time my boyfriend spends trying to relax me by pleasuring me, it seems that anal now frightens me - I feel like I am once again losing my virginity, and end up being reduced to fear and tears, and any attempt toward my bottom results in a lot of pain for me. I don't know why I am so afraid of it - my first attempt, while not pleasurable, was not so scarring; in fact I am starting to think of it as a fun experience. But now whenever we try this again it hurts me, and scares me.
I want to be able to experiment with anal, even if, in the end, I don't like it and never do it again. Can you offer my boyfriend and I some tips to make this easier? Thanks.Answer: In the article about anal sex, I recommend anal massage prior to attempts at anal penetration, and also that fear of penetration can act as a barrier to anal sex. If your anal muscles are first stimulated into relaxation, you may not even be aware of when his finger has slipped inside you, if he goes slow enough that is. I recommend you both stop focusing on anal penetration, and focus on external anal stimulation and pleasure. If you know he plans on penetrating you, that pretty much sets the mood for the entire experience, so you want to avoid that. His finger shouldn't be entering your anus until the muscles are relaxed, and have opened of their own accord, and an investment in time is probably required to reach that point.
Question: I am 34 weeks pregnant and in the past couple days I have noticed my clitoris is very hard, not really swollen but very hard, like touching or pushing a kernel of corn. One side of it is a little more painful to the touch than the other. Is this normal?
Answer: I'm not a doctor so I cannot provide a medical diagnosis, only general information.
I'm afraid I don't know if this is abnormal or not. I don't recall hearing about this during pregnancy, but have heard of similar issues after vaginal delivery, because of the strain placed on the muscles and ligaments that anchor to the pelvic bone, at the location of the clitoris. The illustration linked to below shows the muscles and ligaments I am talking about.
clit01.jpg
The Round Ligament anchors the uterus in place, within the pelvis, and can cause pain during pregnancy.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Round_ligament_of_uterus
http://www.webmd.com/baby/pregnancy-round-ligament-pain
Also see the Q&A linked to below:
qa_17.htm#1
I can only recommend that you consult your doctor if the symptoms haven't gone away on their own.
Question: I know I've never had an orgasm before but I think I came close to it with my Boyfriend. He was fingering me on my G-spot and it felt good then it started to feel extremely good, a feeling I've never had, and it got to the point where my body was sort of shaking like I didn't have control and I couldn't lay still and my legs tightened up almost as if they were coming together and I started to almost sit up. It's almost like it feels too good and I ended up stopping him because it felt so good and it was a strong sexual feeling I've never had and I wasn't sure if it was good or bad. Was that an orgasm, or the beginning of one?
Answer: My guess is that it was the intense pleasure that may lead up to an orgasm, as you should have felt some form of physical release, or waves of pleasure radiating outward from your clitoris, vulva, and/or vagina, if it had been an orgasm. Having never experienced orgasm, the experience of so much pleasure, and possibly feeling out of control of your body, may have prevented you from surrendering control. For the most part, women know when they have experienced orgasm, and are not left wondering if they had. It is possible that you experienced orgasm and didn't realize it, but this appears to be a very uncommon experience. Betty Dodson mentions witnessing women masturbating to orgasm when the woman didn't realize the sensations she experienced were that of an orgasm.
There are many different types of physical sexual pleasure, and orgasm is just one of them, and not necessarily the most intense or fulfilling.
I can only suggest that you learn to masturbate to orgasm so you have a better understanding of your body. You should also discuss with your boyfriend any concerns you may have about surrendering control during partnered sex. Particularly during G-Spot stimulation, women are often fearful of surrendering control and urinating, as some of the same sensations may occur during both, as mentioned in the following articles.
The following article may help you learn how to experience orgasm.
Reading through the shared masturbation techniques and experiences may provide the necessary knowledge and peer support you require to begin your own sexual explorations.
Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years during this time we have been sexually active from the beginning. We both enjoy sex very much and had sex everyday for at least the first 2 years. Some day's more then 1 time a day. As our relationship progressed, we still enjoyed sex and both of us would cum. We were engaged for 3 months and then we broke up, but even before we broke up there were times we would have sex and it would be hard for me to cum. When we first got together though I would cum at least once sometimes it was 3 or 4 times. I used to be able to cum on top on bottom it didn't matter I could do it, but now it seems I can only cum on top. Even when there is foreplay involved. I am 25 years old, shouldn't this happen when I am older not now? Before we were officially back together he would come spend the night and we would have sex like bunnies over and over. I would cum then with no problem. But for some reason I am having problems again now that we are back together. Please help. I am not comfortable knowing that I cannot cum on bottom and that I have to always be on the top.
Answer: I can only guess at the cause. Perhaps the idea of sex and intercourse isn't as mentally stimulating as it once was, so more intense physical stimulation is now required if orgasm is to occur. You likely have changed a lot as a person and couple since you originally met and began engaging in sex. You may no longer be compatible, as indicated by your breakup. Depending on the nature and dynamics of your breakup and relationship, you may not be comfortable or able to surrender control when on the bottom and in a more submissive position. If the cause of the breakup hasn't been identified and resolved that could affect your relationship and sex today.
The increasing complexity and stress of your lives today, compared to when you first met, could adversely affect your relationship and sex. A lot of change occurs between the ages of 17 and 25.
Another factor to consider is, the medications you may now take, including prescription birth control, that you didn't when you were younger.
In the article linked to below about androgen hormones, you will see graphs that show their levels may have already decreased significantly by the age of 25 to 34.
As you can see, there are many possible causes, and it isn't necessarily easy to know which, or to find a solution.
Question: I'm 17 and have been masturbating for about 4 years, and I am a virgin. I usually have an orgasm by clitoral simulation but I want to try to find my g-spot and orgasm with vaginal penetration, however it feels really tight when I try and get two fingers into my vagina, and one finger isn't long enough to feel anything, but I love the feel on something inside me. I still live with my parents and don't want to buy a vibrator or dildo. Is there anything you could suggest using that would help me feel something and find my g-spot?
Answer: The article linked to below may help you learn how to insert larger objects into your vagina, if desired.
While it addresses the insertion of much larger objects than you currently plan too, the Q&A linked to below may be of additional help.
As far as stimulating your G-Spot, it is often located within two inches of the vaginal opening, so you may be able to caress it with a single finger. Your urethral meatus, the area around your urethral opening, may also be sensitive to stimulation, and be comprised of the same nerves as your G-Spot.
As far as objects to stimulate the G-Spot, they usually have a ridge or ball that stimulates the top wall of the vagina. Imagine a penis with a pronounced bulbous head. Moving this ridge/ball across the top wall of the vagina often stimulates the ridge of tissue, formed by the female prostate gland, that is there. Also inserting an object that fills the vagina fully, which in your case would be relatively small, would put outward pressure on the entire vagina, including the top of the vagina. Slowly moving the object back and forth may stimulate your G-Spot, though it could take time and patience to awaken the dormant nerves.
If you can look at the shape of G-Spot toys available on the internet, you may find something in your home or local store to use, that isn't an obvious sex toy. Perhaps you can wash and carve a carrot to the appropriate size and shape.
The following article has lots of information on the G-Spot and female prostate gland.
Question: I am a 23 year old guy. I have some problems regarding my ejaculation and testicles. My left testicle is a bit swollen and I can sense slight pain. When I touch my left testicle I can feel some sort of tumor. I am not sure if it is a tumor. What could this be? Coming to ejaculation, from the past 4 months whenever I masturbate I ejaculate within one minute. Is this a serious problem? I am addicted porn is it due to that or something else. Waiting for your reply for both my queries.
Answer: I'm not a doctor so I cannot provide a medical diagnosis, only general information.
The symptoms you describe could be that of testicular cancer, so you should consult a doctor. Here are links to information on the subject.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Testicular_cancer
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/testicular-cancer/ds00046
If you become conditioned to experiencing orgasm quickly, that could result in premature ejaculation during intercourse.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premature_ejaculation
Question: I've been an uncle now for the past five years, to an adorable little niece. And I get to see a lot of her, as I still live with my parents, and they often baby sit her.
For the last couple of years, my five year old niece has been doing something that I think is strange, and it might be masturbation, but I'm not sure. Often she does this thing where she'll place one of her hands between her legs, right up and touching her vulva area from the outside of her pants. So in other words, she'll be kind of sitting on one set of fingers with the palm of her hand resting on her vulva, and only the upper part of her hand from her knuckles upwards will be visible just above her legs, and she'll stay positioned that way for a minute or so at a time; but often repeating that several times a day.
She doesn't stop whatever else she's doing when she does this; she'll have her one hand down there, and continue to eat her supper, or color in her coloring book, or whatever else she might be doing. I notice her more involved though when she's watching tv or a children's dvd.
I don't know why she does this, or even if it's masturbation. Most of the resources on the internet suggest that a female has to be rubbing or at least humping in order to masturbate. But her hand just simply rests there. It's hard to tell what she's doing. It's not like her legs squeeze in back and forth, nor does her hand rub that area, nor does her waste rock forwards on top of it.
But I do find her behavior odd but cute at the same time. And I am curious to know what exactly she's up to when she does this and why she continues to do it a lot, and in front of many people sometimes.
Many thanks for your opinion on this matter. I just want to know what my niece is up to.Answer: There is likely some form of reward or benefit to this activity for her. Her vulva is sensitive to the pressure and warmth of her hand, but only for a limited period of time, which may explain the short duration of the activity. This subject is addressed in the article about the female sexual nervous system, linked to below. Repetitive motion would likely produce greater pleasure, for a longer period of time, but she may not have learned this for herself yet, or knows to keep that particular activity private.
There is also the possibility that she is responding to sensation produced by her vulva, perhaps caused by mild irritation resulting from inadequate hygiene practices, sexual arousal, or tight or bunched clothing. The pressure of her hand may sooth the sensation, or allow her to explore the sensation. While I don't believe hygiene is the cause, the subject of proper care of the vulva is addressed in the article linked to below. Perhaps her vulva itches for the moment, and she simply responds to that mild irritation.
Is she masturbating, probably, but that is perhaps too strong of a term. She is likely exploring pleasure, self pleasure. As mentioned in the Q&A linked to below, this is a very common activity for girls her age, both in public and at home, and isn't abnormal.
At her age, she is likely aware of her body, yet has no concept of what sex is, of what adults consider sex. If you read through the shared masturbation techniques and experiences on the website, many women report engaging in similar activities long before they were aware of their sexual nature, or that it was considered by adults to be a masturbation activity.
Since she is very open about the activity and has been doing it for a extended period of time, I suspect her parents, and possibly grand-parents, don't see anything abnormal in the activity, or they figure she will simply outgrow it. Her mother and grand-mother may recall doing the same, or have witnessed the same activity in other children and siblings, and aren't concerned.
If you are concerned by this activity, or it makes you uncomfortable, I would discuss it with her parents, rather than trying to address her behavior yourself. If her parents permit the activity, but others try to stop it, it could result in confusion on her part, adversely affecting her developing sexuality, yes, even at the age of five.
Question: Hello. I love your website and have been coming here for years. I have learned a lot here, but this is my first time with a question. I have been masturbating on a regular basis, especially these past few months. Recently I purchased a Hitachi Magic Wand and tried that a few times also. Shortly after, I noticed that my clitoris seems to be bigger. I generally had a small clitoris, and now it is enlarged, looking almost as if I am aroused. It has been this way for over 2 weeks now. I have no pain or itching or anything, but I am curious and concerned over the change. Do you think I may have hurt my clitoris from too much stimulation during masturbation? Is it normal for a clitoris to change in size? Is this something I should be concerned about? Any help would be wonderful!
Answer: It is normal for the size of the clitoris to continually increase throughout a woman's lifetime, and this is something I mention in the article about the size of the clitoris and labia, in the section titled "Measuring Up!," linked to below.
c_size.htm
You don't mention your age, or if you have started taking any new medications lately, including prescription birth control. Hormones are partly responsible for the size of your external genitals, with some tissues being sensitive to androgens, while other tissues are sensitive estrogens. An increase in androgen levels may increase the size of your clitoris, or a decrease in estrogen levels may cause other genital structures to decrease in size, providing the illusion of a larger clitoris, when it is actually only more exposed than before. The article linked to below addresses androgens.
androgens.htm
The clitoris, like the penis, is basically a sponge that fills with blood during sexual arousal. Their erect size is determined by the connective tissues that enclose the erectile tissues; envision blowing up a balloon that is enclosed inside a cardboard shipping tube. While I wasn't able to locate scientific information to confirm this fact, there are references that state the size of the erect penis is partly dependent on the occurrence and frequency of erections. That is, if the penis doesn't become erect on a frequent basis, it shrinks in size. Even if an adolescent boy doesn't masturbate, daytime and nocturnal erections triggered by increased sexual desire, caused by increasing androgen levels, would cause his penis to increase in size, if this is true.
There must be a limit to how much the penis, and clitoris, can increase in size, or men would tend to have 12 inch erections, based on their frequency of masturbation. The biological limitations placed on the frequency and duration of erections, and potential internal blood pressure, likely limit the ultimate size of the penis. On the other hand, the size of the penis and clitoris can be increased by drawing an increased volume of blood into them using a vacuum pump and cylinder. This means that if the normal biological limits are exceeded, a further increase in size is possible.
It seems likely that more frequent clitoral erections would increase the size of the clitoris, at least a little. This is because the amount of time each day the connective tissues of the clitoris are under pressure would increase, potentially stretching these connective tissues. If this logic holds true, an increase in the frequency and/or duration of sexual arousal and masturbation could result in larger erectile structures.
Your enlarged clitoris could also be the result of increased androgen levels, as a result of the normal increase associated with puberty and early adulthood, as mentioned in the article about androgens linked to above. An increase in androgen levels, or a decrease in stress, would tend to increase your level of sexual desire, resulting in increased frequency of masturbation, which may result in a slightly larger clitoris, because of the direct influence of the androgens on the clitoris, and increased frequency and duration of your clitoral erections during arousal and masturbation. Greater opportunity, and reward, would also tend to increase the frequency of masturbation. A couple women have mentioned experiencing a significant increase in sexual desire and frequency of masturbation during their late teens and early twenties, as well as women later in life, rather than during early adolescence when their hormones are first surging.
Your discovery of a larger clitoris could be the result of a believe that masturbation, frequent masturbation, or masturbating with a vibrator is abnormal or harmful, and this fear or expectation led you to seek out and find proof of that believe. You may need to consider the possibility that you were perhaps unknowingly looking for evidence of that believe, and as a result are more likely predisposed to finding that proof, even though what you found is perfectly normal, and perhaps nothing has actually changed, other than you expectations and perceptions. The Q&As about female masturbation have often revealed these concerns and false believes, and are linked to below.
qa_index_mast.htm
If your clitoris continues to increase in size, over a relatively short period of time, or you experience clitoral discomfort, pain, or inflammation, please consult your doctor. An increase in body hair may also be an indication of increased androgen levels, and require a doctor's evaluation.
I hope this information has been of help.
Question Part 1: I have a question in regard with female sexual desire. I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 16. She had never been in a relationship that lasted more than a month before she met me (we are together for something more than a year now).
Since last month we started having sex though the phone and we both really love it, we do it almost every day. I have always been curious about female sexuality and wanted to be able to please a woman as much as I can, and therefore I have read every article on your website and other articles on the web. It is obvious from the information found on the web that women do not enjoy intercourse as much as other forms of sex (cunnilingus, foreplay etc.). However during the our phone sex sessions she always seems to enjoy more than anything else me saying to her how much I want to be inside her and other things about intercourse. I always tell her that I want to lick all of her body, and then go on for about an hour on how I would perform cunnilingus on her, which she truly loves, but I can say from her reactions (breathing, noises that she makes) that she likes intercourse more than anything else. I'm a bit certain that she even reaches an orgasm while I talk to her about intercourse. Moreover, most of the times while I talk to her about how I would lick her pussy she tells that she wants me to do something else to her (meaning that she wants me to enter her vagina) or even commands me to put it inside her.
Can you please explain to me why this might happen? It's not that I do not like it I'm just curious.
Thank you in advance, I am really looking forward to your response.
Answer Part 1: I believe the answer to your question concerns sexual fantasy rather than sexual desire, as sexual desire provides motive rather than defining what we desire.
What arouses women mentally often has nothing to do with real life. For example, women sometimes fantasize about rape, torture, or sex with other women, though they would never want these things to occur in real life. It is the idea or taboo nature of them that sexually arouses them.
What they find arousing is likely the result of prior experiences, perhaps experiences in childhood and early adolescence. Society also influences what we find sexually arousing, what is permitted and taboo. Society pretty much says "sex" is penile-vaginal intercourse, and nothing else counts as sex. It is possible that your girlfriend use to think about having "sex," what it would be like, prior to actually engaging in partnered sex, and these early thoughts were sexually arousing, which led to masturbation and orgasm. The idea of intercourse would then have a strong erotic connection in her mind, perhaps even if the actual experience of intercourse didn't live up to her expectations.
Oral sex on the other hand may not be considered a normal sexual activity by a given society, or a woman may believe her partner wouldn't really want to perform this act on her, because of the appearance, scent, or taste of her vulva, or simply because it isn't "sex," what men truly want. I know some women have a hard time believing men actually enjoy or have a preference for performing oral sex on a woman.
In mainstream movies, sex scenes are more likely to show simulated intercourse than a man going down on a woman, which may influence what we consider sex and sexually arousing. If you have never seen oral sex being performed, are you as likely to find the idea of the act as sexually arousing as those you have? Perhaps your girlfriend has witnessed others, perhaps animals, engaging in sexual intercourse first hand, and the scene was arousing.
Sometimes there are hidden messages in fantasies, but not always. Fantasizing about rape or nonconsensual sex allows a woman to be sexual without being responsible for the sexual act, she was forced to be sexual, thus allowing her to remain virtuous. Your girlfriend may not be comfortable with the idea of you performing cunnilingus on her, even if she enjoys the physical act, because her mind is more aware and easily distracted by her negative or neutral believes about the activity, during her fantasy, because there is no physical stimulation to override those thoughts. The idea may be less appealing than the physical act, because of prior experiences, expectations, and believes.
It is also possible that her fingers are not able to reproduce the same sensations as your tongue, creating a conflict between the mental and physical. It is possible that she is masturbating by inserting something into her vagina, her fingers or an object, and the idea of you having intercourse with her is more in line with the physical stimulation she is receiving. If phone sex is highly arousing for her, the resulting vaginal ache may motivate her to want intercourse more than anything else. During phone sex, when there is absolutely no risk of pregnancy, the idea of intercourse may be a lot more appealing and enjoyable for her than it is during the actual activity.
You could ask her about her preference, but that would risk the possibility of ruining things for her. You don't want her believing you find her preference abnormal, or she isn't yet comfortable enough in the relationship to reveal the truth about her preferences, which could be misleading to you. Your facial expression and the tone of your voice could reveal a message other than what your words say.
You could act out your phone sex sessions while together, that is engage in masturbation while together, and this may provide you with an idea of how she masturbates, if she is comfortable masturbating in front of you, in the manner she normally does. She is likely under a lot of social pressure to be a specific type of sexual person, which may result in her pretending to be someone she isn't; this is especially true during the teen years. She has to trust you a lot, and not fear your rejection, to be her true sexual and nonsexual self.
While many women find oral stimulation more enjoyable than vaginal intercourse, this isn't true of all women, and you are perhaps presuming incorrectly about your girlfriend's preference. She may fake pleasure during oral sex, especially if she perceives you really enjoy doing it. You might ask what sexual activities she enjoys the most, but even then, there is a chance she will answer as she believes she should, to meet your or society's expectations of her. Asking her what she wants to do prior to engaging in partnered sex may also help determine her likes, but only if her answers aren't based on her desire to please you more than her. Traditionally, women have been expected to put the desires and needs of others before their own.
Sexual knowledge is beneficial, but you can never know all, and believing you know all can be detrimental. Your knowledge of female sexuality should allow you to understand the enormous diversity that exists, rather than placing a limitation on female sexuality. Your knowledge can't change who your girlfriend is, or define or limit her likes and dislikes. Ask questions, just don't presume or expect a specific answer to them, which is often easier said than done.Question Part 2: I would like to thank you for the useful information you have provided me with. I read your answer carefully, and I must say I had suspected some of the facts you pointed out. I will attempt to talk to her since I want to be able to please her as much as I can.
In your response you said that sexual intercourse might have not lived up to her expectations, I have to inform you my girlfriend has never had intercourse, neither with me or another man. Does this make things different? Is it possible that she might expect intercourse to be something more enjoyable than what it really is? If that is the case what can I do to make it live up to her expectations or as enjoyable as possible? I have always put her pleasure above mine, so please don't hesitate, any compromises that I will have to make I more than willing to make them.
There is also something else that I would like to ask you about. The following incident happened about a week ago. One night she started kissing me on my neck and then on my chest (I love this, is this normal for a guy?) and then continued to move downwards with her tongue. I was moaning with pleasure which I can tell she enjoyed a lot. While she licked my belly, she unbuttoned my pants and took my pennis in her hands. She then told me that she really wanted to perform fellatio on me. I was so turned on that I was not able to think and told her to do it. It was amazing, but suddenly while she was doing it I realised that I was not wearing a condom and immediately gave her a french kiss in order to stop her from continuing. This was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, but the thought of me giving a virus/disease to my beloved girl drove me crazy. The next time we met she told me that she really liked licking my penis and wanted to do it again, she probably did not understand that I had stopped her on purpose the previous time. I proposed performing oral sex on her, but she refused and told me that she really wanted to perform fellatio on me. So I told her that if she was to do it again it would be wise to use a condom for protection. Unfortunately she refused and told me that she did not like the idea of having something plastic inside her mouth. She told me she wanted to lick me not something else and that it would not be the same. I even proposed of using a flavoured condom to make her change her mind, but she said that my penis' has the most beautiful taste she ever tried. I tried and tried but she was intransigent. She said that she would never accept me wearing a condom for oral sex and that I should not insist. She even told me that she loves me so much, that if I suffer from STD or AIDS or a different disease she prefers to have it too and that if anything happens to me she would be able to bear it and would not care about her health whatsoever. What should it do? Moreover I have never had any form of sex with anyone else other than my current girlfriend is it still possible for me to suffer from AIDS or other diseases? And finally even if I am healthy is it safe to allow my girlfriend to give me head without using a condom? I have been giving her head for a while now, and never used protection, is there any kind of protection for giving oral sex on a woman?
I know I have sent you a fistfull of questions but I am really concerned about her health, I want to be able to please and be completely sure that everything we do is safe for her? I don't care that much about myself, it is out of curiostiy that I sent you my last question.Answer Part 2: As far as intercourse goes, there is the mental and physical to consider, and in addition, each woman is unique. We don't know what she considers to be erotic and arousing subjects, and what the physical experience of intercourse will be like for her, which may all change with time, experience, and partners. If the idea of intercourse, or intercourse with a particular partner, is extremely arousing for her, the physical becomes less important; the experience may be more spiritual than physical. Sexual desire and arousal may provide the motivation regardless of any rewards.
As far as the physical aspects of intercourse are concerned, women in general like intercourse, perhaps a lot, but intercourse probably isn't as enjoyable, orgasmic, as society indicates, through the media and morality, it is or should be. The various survey's on the website indicate this mixed critique of intercourse, depending on how the questions and subjects are presented. Yes it is enjoyable, but...
For your girlfriend, the survey addressing a woman's first experience of intercourse perhaps provides the greatest insight. The key piece of information, I believe, from the survey is that 47% do not believe they had sufficient sexual experience prior to this event, while only 39% believe they did, which means it occurred too soon in their sexual development. So, there shouldn't be a rush for your girlfriend to engage in intercourse. Vaginal stimulation, penetration, though should perhaps be a regular part of her masturbation experiences, to help prepare her mind and body for the experience. These subjects are addressed in the articles and surveys linked to below:
http://www.misterpoll.com/polls/239041/results
virgin1.htm
virgin1.htm#devel
loc_vag.htm
To a certain extent you and your girlfriend are already fluid bonded, that is you have exchanged body fluids, and any bacteria and viruses that may be present in them. Oral sex has decreased risk for the transfer of STDs compared to penile-vaginal intercourse, but there is still some risk. Using barriers to the transfer of body fluids after having exchanged body fluids may or may not gain you anything, it all depends on whether one of you already has an STD, and whether you have already transferred it to your partner. If you both don't have an STD, and don't exchange body fluids with other partners during your sexual relationship, then barriers aren't required, except to prevent pregnancy. Some STDs, like AIDs and hepatitis, are spread through non-sexual means, so being a virgin doesn't automatically mean you don't have them. Please see the information linked to below:
managed_risk.htm#std
managed_risk.htm#stds
http://www.smartsextalk.com/fluid_bonding.html
If you really want to give your partner pleasure and fulfill her sexual needs, then you need to work on your sexual communication with her, as only she knows what she desires, wants, needs, and what fulfills those desires, wants, and needs. At this point, her fantasies and masturbation activities may provide the greatest insight into how to sexually satisfy her, though it could take practice and experience to be proficient at fulfilling her expectations. Only through practice and experience may she learn what fulfills her sexual needs and desires during partnered sex, but she will always have masturbation and fantasy to rely on.
Question: I'm a 17-year-old girl and I need help.
When I was 13, I meet this guy, Robert, and I realized that I really liked him. But I was too scared to tell him how I felt. So I would sit in my bed at night and think about him and touch myself. I had never heard of masturbation and I had no idea why I found touching myself so enjoyable. I would orgasm every time. I loved it and I started to do it twice a day. Then I would get wet every time I saw Robert and that was a lot because he's in most of my classes. I really needed to touch myself every time I say him. I would ask to go to the toilet a lot in class and then masturbate in the toilet. I tried to be everywhere he was. I joined the same clubs he joined and I swapped one of my classes so I was in his class. I was totally obsessed and still I couldn't tell him how I felt. One day, in English, he was standing up in front of the whole class doing a debate, and I couldn't help myself and I slipped my hand into my pants and touched myself. The teacher noticed and yelled at me to get my hand out of my pants and all my classmates laughed very loudly. They spent the next year making jokes and insulting me because I masturbated. I stopped masturbating, because I thought it was bad as I had no idea what it was before, only that it felt good, and now my classmates had made me feel that it was bad. I still would think about Robert all the time but I never allowed myself to touch myself. Then when I was 15, Robert asked me if I would go to the cinema with him and I was over the moon. We went and had a brilliant time. Soon we were regularly going out every Friday. About 4 months into the relationship, his parents went out of town and he asked me to stay the night. I was so excited because I knew what that meant and I hadn't orgasmed in about a year. We had a take-away pizza and then started making out and he led me up to his parents king size bed. We had sex.
I didn't orgasm. It didn't even feel that good. It was slightly painful which was probably due to it being my first time. But I didn't feel like he was the right guy even though I had spent the last 2 years being completely in love with him. I broke up with him the next morning. I was so confused and upset because he was the guy I had fantasized about for so long and now I didn't even want him.
Recently I met a guy named Neil and he was perfect. He seemed even better than Robert had been. We had a brilliant time and after a few weeks he invited me back to his apartment. I was really scared because the last guy I had really liked I wasn't able to orgasm with. I explained my situation to him and he was incredible understanding. He eventually convinced me to try sex. So I did.
It was amazing. I orgasmed but at my climax I shouted "Robert". I don't know why because I am totally over him and I really like Neil now. But now Neil has dumped me because I said another guys name. But I would like to know why I said Robert's name during sex when I don't even think about him anymore. Can you help me?Answer: I had a similar experience with a woman several years ago. I had just met her, but knew of her prior long term relationship, before stimulating her to orgasm, during which she called out the other guy's name. I thought it was a bit amusing. I believe I mentioned this had occurred, after the sex was over, and she didn't recall doing so, or couldn't bring herself to admit to this occurrence. I knew that while I physically stimulated her to orgasm, mentally, he still played a role in her sexuality. At that time, I was 26 years old, and knew much more about female sexuality than you and your sexual partners likely do, which is why I didn't find it bothersome or reason for concern, just a fact of life.
Robert was your first crush, and obviously triggered a strong sexual response in you, helped along by raging hormones I am sure. While most probably don't get caught, 15-16% of women, 1 out of 7, indicate that have masturbated in a classroom during junior or senior high school. 18-22% have done so somewhere in the school building, that is around 1 out of 5 women. Even so, the fact that you were motivated to masturbate during class indicates just how strong of a sexual response he elicited in you.
The denial of masturbation and orgasm for a year prior to your physical relationship with Robert would tend to adversely affect your sexual relationship with him, and others, not to mention the negative consequences of being teased for a year, for masturbating in any context, not just in the classroom. We can't simply turn those sexual feelings, experiences, and responses off and on like a light switch, there is likely lasting consequences. That negative baggage if you will, would come into play during your actual sexual activities together, and not necessarily easily overcome.
After denying orgasm for a year, there would potentially be a barrier to orgasm during partnered sex. That in addition to it being your first experience of partnered sex. Odds are, your first sexual experience with Robert couldn't live up to the fantasy, short of a huge surge of sexual desire and attraction, which the prior teasing and denial would tend to override and prevent. The enormous emotional let down resulted in the ending of the relationship, and any chance of seeing if the prior attraction and desire could be recaptured. So there is some unresolved issues from that relationship that are carried into your future relationships. All your sexual experiences are interlinked, rather than being completely isolated. You may need to consider whether you should try to work things out with Robert, if he is available and there is still a mutual attraction. You would have to approach any sexual relationship extremely slowly, expressing your feelings and reservations along the way.
During sex with Neil, you may have called out Robert's name because of the prior long term sexual relationship you had with Robert, even if it wasn't mutually physical during most of that time, or because the experience of orgasm and Robert's name are linked together within your mind. If you always said Robert's name when masturbating to orgasm, perhaps unknowingly, you may say it automatically, without being aware of doing so. I wouldn't concern myself with why this happened, just accept and prepare yourself, and future partners, for the possibility that it may happen, because of your sexual history. For you, and others, it would be normal for this to happen, and you shouldn't live in fear of it.
Unfortunately, we tend to expect sexual relationships to begin and end with that relationship, but in reality there is always the carrying forward of that relationship into the next. Good or bad prior relationships always play a part in our current relationship, even if only by boosting or suppressing our feelings of self-confidence and sexual aptitude. Good sexual experiences tend to lead to good sexual experiences, the opposite can occur following unrewarding sexual experiences, unless we can break the cycle. Your sexual future isn't doomed, but you must address, perhaps in baby steps, prior experiences and events.
For you to break the cycle, you need to acknowledge what has happened in the past, try to understand why if possible, but more importantly, keep those experiences in perspective. You are only 17 years old, and while at 13 your sexuality was off to a good start, it has since hit a couple small speed bumps. Don't make mountains out of those speed bumps.
If you aren't already doing so, resume your masturbation activities in earnest. Learn to enjoy your body, and perhaps find new people or themes to fantasize about. If Neil doesn't already know why you may have called out Robert's name, you might see if he is open to knowing why. The ending of the relationship with Neil basically means his self confidence took a hit, and/or he doesn't have the best self confidence, and can't bring himself to laugh about the experience. Part of his reaction is likely the resulting of not knowing much about human sexuality, as is the case for most people, and another part is perhaps not having a good measure of self confidence, which would have likely adversely affected your relationship as some point anyway.
Ideally, first work out your feelings and experiences with Robert, within your own mind, or as part of a platonic or intimate relationship with him, and try to extend or successfully conclude your relationship with Neil. If one or both of these relationships are truly over, don't try to force them. In this case, try to understand what those relationships will bring forward into future relationships, and slowly address those issues in your next relationship. In any event, you will likely need to have a strong emotional relationship with a new partner prior to exploring a sexual relationship with them, or on the other hand, a strong sexual attraction and desire may result in you seeing stars soon after meeting your next partner. So give things some thought, but don't dwell on them.
The biggest thing at this point is to have a sense of humor. Try to laugh about the whole classroom thing, and realize in the coming years, once you are out of high school, and after acquiring new peers, it will be less of an issue. If anyone should say anything about it, call them on it, as there is a 90% chance they masturbate too; they are being a hypocrite.
I hope this information is of help to you.
