Question: I was wondering if you could help me with a few things. I am 22 and am totally in love with my boyfriend. Although I do enjoy sex with him, I can never seem to let go completely and I hardly ever have an orgasm with him. On my own I can achieve orgasm although sometimes it takes me up to twenty minutes. I think this is cause I think about it too much but I can't seem to help it. I want everything to be so natural between us and it is getting me down because I want to be with him forever. Should we try different sexual positions? Also have you got any masturbation tips? Lastly, I want to go on the contraceptive pill but I am worried about putting on weight. I do think it would help me relax more though as I wouldn't have to worry about getting pregnant. Please reply as I don't know who to talk to about this.

Answer: It sounds like you may want to talk to your boyfriend about the idea of not having vaginal intercourse for an extended period of time. If he cares about you, he should not object. I think it would be wise for you both to develop your basic sexual skills. This will take some of the pressure off of you and you will not have to be so worried about becoming pregnant. In addition, most women cannot reach orgasm during intercourse if their clitoris is not stimulated at the same time. Please read the section on Virginity and Sexual Development even though you are no longer a virgin.

I personally am not a fan of the birth control pill. I have heard of too many bad experiences with them. I do not feel we should be messing with a woman's hormones; especially since we know so little about them. If you do not want to use the pill, then don't. Not having intercourse is the safest thing to do. If he uses a condom it is a good idea if you also use some form of barrier protection, like contraceptive foam or jelly. [Each teen and woman must decide for herself whether the birth control pill is appropriate for her. Some doctors push them on women because that is what THEY feel is best, potentially disregarding what is best for the individual.]

You may want to take a more active or dominate role in your sexual encounters. Tell him what you want and be sure he gives you what you want. If you do have intercourse, be on top. Get some massage lotion or oil and give him a full body massage and have him do the same to you.

I highly recommend you both masturbate together. Masturbation is a great teaching tool as a he can see what you like and you can see what he likes. Many couples like watching their partner masturbate as well. It is also very unlikely you will become pregnant.

Requiring twenty minutes of stimulation to reach orgasm when masturbating is normal and not a reason to be concerned. It is not always wise to try and have an orgasm every time you masturbate. Get some lubricant and just stroke your breasts, thighs, buttocks, anus, and vulva to give yourself pleasure. If your body wants to have an orgasm it will happen without you trying. Remember to stay relaxed and breath.

You can get some tips on masturbating by reading about other women's experiences and techniques. They have a lot of great ideas. You will find these in the Masturbation section.