Question: My 23 year old girlfriend doesn't mind me eating her out (so she has said), but she does not crave or ask me to do it. She knows that I love going down on her, when I do go down on her she usually stops me and wants penetration more than me going down on her. What could be the reasons she doesn't want it all the time?
Answer: Many women don't enjoy oral stimulation of their vulva. Either their vulva isn't sensitive to this type of stimulation, your technique doesn't work, she feels men "really" don't like doing it, or she feels her vulva is dirty and is unable to relax and enjoy it. You need to discuss this with her, as only she knows why she doesn't enjoy it as much as you do.
Question: What are some good treatment options for someone suffering from Sexual Aversion Disorder (SAD)? I am a 22 year old woman who has great difficulty becoming intimate with someone. There is no history of sexual abuse in my past, but I become terrified when I find myself in a sexual situation. I do not understand these feelings and would like some advice on how to deal with them as well as possible treatment options.
Answer: This is not a subject that I have significant knowledge of.
You have to look at the different aspects or components of the sexual experience and the perceived consequences that may cause anxiety. Was physical intimacy a common experience in your childhood, or are you uncomfortable with being touched and hugged? Do you have trouble trusting people? Are you fearful of pregnancy or STDs? How would your family treat you if you became pregnant, especially in the past when you were a teenager? What does having sex mean to you? Do you feel you should be a virgin, or do you feel it is okay for you to have sex with someone you aren't married too? How comfortable are you with your body and that of your partner? Do you masturbate and have some knowledge and experience with how your body works sexually? How do you believe your partner and peers will treat you after you have experienced sex, good or bad? Have any of your friends, especially as a teenager, had been raped, gotten pregnant or a bad reputation, etc?
Some anxiety is to be expected when you try new things for the first time, regardless of whether it involves sex. It is a natural protection mechanism to keep you safe. Your mind and body could be telling you no for very good reasons. Are you trying too much too soon? Like a young teen, are you setting definite limits for the sexual experience? That is, are you telling your partner what they may or may not do? Like permitting them to reach first base (kissing), second base (touching of breasts), third base (touching of vulva), and home plate (intercourse)? Don't allow your age to lead you into believing that your partner should be getting to home plate as soon as they arrive on the playing field. Don't pretend to be more sexual or experienced than you are. Explain your feelings and need for limits to your partner. Consider having intercourse a year or more from now rather than tonight or next week.
Sexual development is addressed in my article for virgins, which is linked to below:
virgin1.htm
You may need to ask a "friend" or family member of either gender for a hug to determine if you are comfortable with physical touch. The closer you are to that person emotionally the more physically intimate the experience will likely be, and will allow you to determine your level of comfort with physical intimacy. Are you equally comfortable with a short and long hug, snuggling? You might need to seek out a standard massage from a massage therapist to see if you have trouble with physical touch in general. Then slowly work your way up to kissing with a potential sexual partner.
If you haven't challenged yourself with new experiences and overcome day to day fears up to this point in your life then you may need to do so before exploring something as significant, complex, and challenging as partnered sex. If you have lead a sheltered or protected life you may need to change that before pursuing partnered sex. Don't try climbing Mount Everest if all you are ready for is is a stroll through the park.
Beyond this I can only recommend that you look at the information that comes up in the following Google search:
http://www.google.com/search?q=Sexual+Aversion+Disorder
Question: I am 17 years old and my boyfriend is 19, and I was curious about something so I decided to ask you and I hope you can help me at least a little. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months and I have never been able to orgasm with him. We have had oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex, and he has fingered me. I have never been able to orgasm with him or around him. I find this very frustrating and it really annoys me because it takes under 5 minutes for me to orgasm when I am masturbating. When I masturbate, all I do is rub my clitoris in circles. I have my boyfriend do that when he is fingering me and I get to the point where it feels like I am coming close, but I never do, no matter how many times we do it. I have also tried masturbating while I was with him and I cannot orgasm when I am around him either. I have a feeling it is only because I feel almost as though I am pressured to have an orgasm around him. This has caused me to be very upset and I am going through a hard time in my life right now as it is and it has helped cause me to get depressed. Everything and anything make me upset, and this is just one thing that keeps upsetting me because I feel as though maybe I'm not good enough or not as good as one person who he has been with before me (he has only been in one relationship other than with me) because I think to myself that maybe she has orgasmed with him and that makes me feel like I am not as good or something. I have spoken to him about it and he told me that it doesn't matter whether I orgasm or not as long as I enjoy it and that I am not "letting him down" by not orgasming if I think I am. (which in the beginning I did). I know it might sound stupid but I have very low self-confidence and I am very insecure about myself. Just wondering what you think is the reason why I can only orgasm very easily when I masturbate but not around my boyfriend or when I do anything with him. I hope you respond eventually. Thanks.
Answer: Many women experience the same. Partnered sex needs to be enjoyable if orgasm it is to occur, and the more you try or expect to have an orgasm the less likely it is to happen. For now, you need to learn to relax during partnered sex, explore physical pleasure, and get some practice. If you need to have an orgasm, then masturbate alone, but on occasion try having an orgasm again with him present. During partnered sex don't forget to fantasize about whatever it is that arouses you when you are alone, if you want or need more mental stimulation to increase your level of sexual arousal.
You can read through the Q&As about Impaired Orgasmic Response linked to below:
qa_index_arousal.htm
You may also want to read the following article:
q_orgasm.htmA quick solution may be to use a vibrator during partnered sex, as vibrators often provide sustained and strong clitoral stimulation, requiring you to focus on the sexual experience for shorter periods of time before you experience orgasm. Once you have that first orgasm and get beyond this barrier then perhaps orgasm will occur during other forms of stimulation too.
Question: Me and my girlfriend like to give each other oral sex but recently she said she is not going to give me oral sex anymore because she read somewhere that it could or can lead to throat cancer. Is this true? If not, then why would she tell me this? To my knowledge I have not hurt her when she has performed oral sex on me.
Answer: Please see the information linked to below, and be sure to read the entire article, as some are not presenting all the facts in this matter.
Namely:
"Gillison added that "people should be reassured that oropharyngeal cancer is relatively uncommon, and the overwhelming majority of people with an oral HPV infection probably will not get throat cancer,""
http://www.hopkinskimmelcancercenter.org/news/index.cfm?documentid=883
Question: Congratulations on the great work you're doing here!
I'm a 23-year-old female; I have an on-off relationship with my boyfriend. He loves me very much, but I have doubts regarding our relationship (we fight a lot, he's very demanding, and despite how much he does for me, I feel like I want more fun, excitement and compatibility between us). He was my first sexual experience, and he was so patient, loving and gentle that it was absolutely perfect. Because he doesn't have a place of his own, and I live with my parents, we really don't have a lot of places to go to have sex and there isn't enough money to go to hotels that often. Although, at the beginning we did it everywhere: in my house while my parents in another room, in his car, in my building's stairs, etc. And specially in those public "prohibited" places I felt it SO good.
After a while, I got kind of tired of not doing it as often as I'd like. Plus the relationship started deteriorating. And I started wondering what it would be like to be with someone else (and I had these vivid dreams almost every night in which I had sex with everybody but him). I wasn't feeling much pleasure (like I used to) while having sex with him, except one time we smoked weed. Then I met Ben, who is like the funniest, smarter, creative and exciting guy ever. And we had this incredible connection between us. But of course, because I had a boyfriend the relationship remained platonic. However, I felt increasingly attracted to him. And I know he was into me from the very beginning. So after 8 months of Ben and I being just friends, and during one of the multiples break-ups with my boy, I ended up sleeping with Ben, and it was the most incredible night in my sexual life so far. I mean, I had orgasms (many) with penetration alone! The guy barely touched my clitoris, and he didn't kiss me down there or anything like that. I was yelling, moaning...and, even now, when I think about those 2 unique occasions we had sex, all my body remembers. I feel reminiscences of orgasms; my mind is derailed.
My boyfriend knows what happened. It was difficult times but we worked it out and went back together. But I never felt with him what I felt with Ben. I couldn't say Ben was "better in bed" than my boyfriend. Because my boyfriend does so much to please me, he takes foreplay seriously, he gives me oral sex, he kisses me everywhere, and Ben didn't. I thought it wasn't fair comparing two single sex acts to almost 3 years of having sex.
Sometimes I think, I felt like that with Ben just because I had fantasized about it so much, we were waiting, dreaming, expecting that impossible to happen. And when it did, it exploded. Or maybe because it felt "prohibited", "dangerous"...because my boyfriend and I were on a break at the time, but in my mind I was definitely cheating.
Then again, I wonder if is possible for two people to be anatomically designed "to fit", I mean, to be physically more adequate for each other bodies than some other people.
Because, despite I know that the brain is the most important sex organ, I just can't explain how I felt with Ben, sexually.
Since I thought I learned my lesson from my past mistakes, it really hurts me to say that I wish I could be with Ben again, just to "double-check".Even though I don't feel very sexually attracted to my boyfriend anymore, I don't think we are an impossible goal, because, "once upon a time" we were pretty hot together. I'm just SO confused, I could give my life for him no doubt, and at the same time, I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore. And I feel this urge to have sex with Ben again, and to have sex with other guys too.
What do you suggest?
Answer: I am perhaps not the best person to ask about relationship issues, as I usually stick to the nuts and bolts of sex.
People change with time, or they should. You aren't the same person you were when you met your boyfriend, and started to explore sex together. Have you both grown over time, and has the relationship and your emotional bond grown during this period of time? Is there more to your relationship than sex, specifically those exciting and naughty experiences in the past?
Relationships usually lose their initial excitement with time and it takes effort to keep things fun and exciting, in and out of the bedroom. The non-sexual aspects become more important, and if they aren't in a healthy state then the relationship will be unstable. A relationship is like a bicycle wheel with multiple spokes. Each spoke represents one component of the relationship. Sex is one spoke in the wheel. The more spokes that are missing or weak the more unstable the wheel/relationship is. Can you envision yourself living together five or ten years from now, or is too much missing from it?
Part of the problem appears to be that you and your boyfriend don't have your own place to live. It could be time to ask your parents for permission for your boyfriend to spend nights with you. With the conflict in the relationship I wouldn't recommend you get a place of your own at this point, especially if it puts you in a financial situation you can't get out of, and you would be forced to stay together no matter how bad the relationship gets.
You don't have a history with Ben or know him as well as your boyfriend so you are not comparing similar relationships. Ben is different rather than necessarily better. If you need to end your relationship with your boyfriend the motives need to come from within the relationship rather from outside. If there were no Ben would you stay in the relationship or end it and seek out another?
I believe the sex was better with Ben because of the built up desire and the fact that you may have felt like you were cheating on your boyfriend. It was the emotional aspects that made it a memorable experience, more than the physical connecting of your bodies, though you can't rule out the possibility that your bodies do work better together, though I haven't heard of this occurring before. Women usually don't place sex high enough in importance to choose a partner because their bodies happen to meshed together well, or if they do, they probably wont admit to it publicly. We most often expect one partner to meet all of our needs and don't have the option or luxury of choosing a sexual partner based solely on how enjoyable sex is with them.
As the old saying goes, the grass always appears greener on the other side of the fence. Don't allow the possible illusion of greener pastures destroy what you have today.
If your relationship with your boyfriend is bordering on abusive, he is insecure and too controlling, then it needs to end.
Question: Ok..I know this sounds weird but here it goes...My clitoris had been very painful during sex, to the point where I can't have an orgasm. My husband loves to "go down" and this has been ruining our sex life. I really don't know what to do. I've looked at it very well in the mirror and don't see anything abnormal, EXCEPT...every month I've been getting a small hair in the little hole, I have to pull my clitoris back very far to get it with tweezers. My question is can a hair follicle grow inside the clitoris and do you think this is what is causing the pain, everything really looks normal, and I have regular exams.
Answer: I am not a doctor so I cannot provide a medical diagnosis only general information.
Another woman also mentioned she had a hair growing in this area. The glans of the clitoris probably doesn't have any hair follicles, but the inside and outside of the hood may.
It is possible for a yeast infection to involve only the clitoris, because the hood can trap material under it. You may need to consult a doctor and explain the symptoms.
Pulling the hair could be causing the irritation so I would recommend that you stop doing so for the near future, at least until you find the cause and a solution for the sensitivity of your clitoris.
Please see the information linked to below about clitoral adhesions:
adhesio.htm
Yeast infections are addressed in the article linked to below:
vaginitis.htm
You could be cleaning your vulva too well, which is causing irritation, please see the information about hygiene linked to below:
hygiene.htm
You may need to lubricate your clitoris, especially under the hood, with a natural lubricant like vitamin E oil.
If you are premenopausal or menopausal then hormonal changes in the tissues of your vulva could be the cause. Estrogens and androgens influence the health of the vulva.
Question: I feel very bad and guilty about a habit of mine. I am a 27-year-old woman, still a virgin because I've been waiting for a man I would be in love with and who would be in love with me (fortunately today I know that I haven't been waiting in vain). However, now I'm asking myself if I'm normal as far as sexuality is concerned and if my Catholic upbringing hasn't caused some serious psychological problem. Why am I so anxious ? More than two years ago, I wondered how it would feel to masturbate and reach an orgasm. I tried to touch myself, but I always got bored very quickly. Then I came across an erotic story in the Internet, quite by accident, and I discovered that I was able to reach an orgasm by stimulating myself while reading the story. Until this moment everything may seem normal - although I'm a Christian, I no longer consider masturbation as a sin (although I've considered it to be a repulsive sin for most of my life).
However, I'm very worried by the fact that I'm often aroused also by quite "kinky" stories, for example the ones where a man is raping a woman and insulting her; although I wouldn't like to have anal sex myself, I'm aroused, too, by some stories where it figures in the plot, even when it is not consensual. To my horror, I've also discovered that I'm not put off by incest stories, although the idea of incest is repulsive to me.
I've been always dreaming of a loving and considerate partner, and have no fantasies or dreams on brutal and humiliating sex. I find many of the stories which arouse me stupid and disgusting, and am well aware that they present a false vision of human sexuality. I feel so guilty and ashamed after having pleasured myself while reading one of such stories, but I keep returning to them. I've already tried to stop reading erotic stories, but the temptation is very strong because they allow me to reach quickly an orgasm. Recently I've decided to choose only those stories which I find acceptable (without any degradation scenes etc.), but I'm not sure if I'll manage to keep the limits I've imposed myself.
I know that my interest in the stories which contain a rape (or rapes) may result from my sexual inhibitions - I've read that many inhibited women have fantasies of rape. But I find it horrible that I'm often able to read with increasing arousal a story where a man degrades a woman, calls her a "slut", says that he's "using" her etc. ! Do you think that I should be worried about this problem, that it is something unusual ? I would feel much better if I knew that it isn't sporadic and that you find my feelings of shame and guilt excessive, and even better if you think that one can explain the cause(s) of my problem.
Answer: I can't explain for certain the reasons why, I only know that the taboo or forbidden is often the most arousing for people. It could be that it gets our emotions involved in the sexual experience. There is evidence [See following Q&A] that suggests watching a movie that causes anxiety, a scary movie for example, assists in the sexual arousal process. A person may have a better chance for sex after taking their partner to see a scary movie rather than a romantic movie. Being in the protective fight or flight mode of survival, caused by fear and a desire to run away from danger, as a result of reading something that causes anxiety, may help with the whole sexual arousal process, because of the hormonal and other changes in our body. The cause for your increased arousal may and probably is not purely psychological, but has biological origins as well.
I recommend on the website that women who are having trouble experiencing sexual arousal and orgasm seek out kinky and taboo erotica if the more socially acceptable forms don't work for them. You discovered for yourself the benefits of this.
I don't believe it is only women with a religious background that find these forms of erotica arousing, but women in general, because of social views on female sexuality. The most arousing subject may simply be the one that scares us the most, and women are often fearful of being raped.
A woman at a seminar I attended mentioned how she was aroused by true stories of rape and abuse in a war zone, even though the article was meant to educate people to the horrors that took place there, and she considers herself a feminist. A rape consoler may experience the same reaction, and a lot of anxiety as a result of these "inappropriate thoughts."Her Follow up: Many thanks for your lengthy and very reassuring answer. Thanks to you I will no longer feel so ashamed because of being aroused by a kinky story. It may well be true that I'm paradoxically excited by some visions which I find scary, that my fear and disgust may be stimulating factors. Now when I understand the mechanism which probably explains my reactions, I feel great relief. Fortunately I know that I can get aroused also without having recourse to disquieting fantasies.
Anyway - despite the strong feelings of guilt and shame I've felt for so long - I'm really glad that I've found a way to reach an orgasm because for many years I'd thought that I was frigid. Let me add that I have never closely examined my private parts as a young girl - until the age of 24 I didn't even know where my clitoris was ! You see, as a small girl I've once read in a prayer book than one should not "touch oneself immodestly" and since at the time I knew nothing about autoeroticism, I came to the conclusion that one had the right to touch one's genitals only to wash them ... Let me add that because I haven't discovered self-pleasuring until my late twenties, for most of my life I wasn't able to understand why most men masturbated and I found this habit sinful and repulsive. I'm very glad that I've discovered that I was a sexual being and understand much better the opposite sex. For many years I hoped that maybe there were some men who didn't indulge in the "sinful habit" which made me cringe; today I feel completely comfortable with the thought that the man I love has almost certainly masturbated since his childhood and just hope that - contrary to me - he's never felt guilty about this habit.
I find your site very interesting, instructive and reassuring, and I think that it can be recommended to every young woman who - like me - wants to discover her sexuality before having sex with a partner. It is particularly precious for women who, like me, used to be quite repressed and convinced that a "good girl" has no sexual needs.
Question: First I just wanted to tell you how wonderful and informative your site is! Thank you for having a place where women and men alike can go and find the answers to their questions and more.
I have a few questions about sexual stimulation. I have never able to achieve orgasm without having both my g-spot and clitoris stimulated at the same time and only when done a certain way. I have tried different masturbation techniques many times to no avail.
The only times that I have had an orgasm during intercourse has been after being "played" (BDSM) by my ex-boyfriend. I was the submissive/bottom in the relationship, and after being played, all of my senses were heightened; I was relaxed, and felt as if I was floating.
I have also never had an orgasm from oral sex, I get to the point that I feel as if I am going to explode and then it is gone.
My current fiancé and have I have been together for 3 years now, and I have never had an orgasm with him, unless he has been in bed with me while I am masturbating. I love him dearly, but this is starting to worry me.
I can not get him (my fiancé) to engage in any BDSM scenes with me, he is scared that he will hurt me. And I have a hard time trying to explain to him why I want to do it, and what it makes me feel like.
What can I try to do to get myself to be able to orgasm with him while engaging in either intercourse or oral sex?
I hope that this made since to you. Please send some advice this way.
Answer: Since you can only experience orgasm with added G-Spot stimulation and cannot experience orgasm during oral sex I wonder if your clitoral glans is hidden under the hood and protected from more intense forms of stimulation. You might see if you can retract your hood to gain access to the glans during masturbation and oral sex. You may have to retract your hood yourself during oral sex to allow your partner access to your clitoral glans. You might want to read the article about clitoral adhesions in the health section of the website.
The one time you experienced orgasm during intercourse you had given up control and were relaxed, which is something many women have trouble doing during partnered sex. You have to work on feeling relaxed and comfortable during the experience, and not concerned about whether you will experience orgasm. As I have stated many times on the website, you need to explore pleasure before orgasm becomes a possibility. You also have to be able to simply lay there and surrender control to your partner, which is often easier said than done, for numerous reasons.
When you were in sub-space the chemicals in your body may have helped you experience orgasm. There is some evidence that vigorous exercise and scary movies increases sexual response 15 to 20 minutes after they end. You might work out at the gym, a good work out, but don't over do it, and then get home within 15 minutes and try having sex. The window of opportunity seems to be pretty narrow, at 15-20 minutes. If you can get the workout at home or by jogging around the block that may work better. Experiment with this but don't try too hard, try to make it fun rather than regimented, doing it when you are all hot and sweaty.
You may have to Top your fiancé to teach him what you want and that you wont be hurt, if he is open to the idea. You can try acquiring books on BDSM, but I don't know if they make a good teaching tool. The other option is to find an experienced Top, perhaps a female one he wont feel threatened by, to teach him how, without causing serious harm.
Many women can only experience orgasm as a result of their own stimulation. We simply don't know enough about female sexuality to explain why. It isn't abnormal for you to need your own touch, based on the number of women who who share your experience. During partnered sex explore difference forms of pleasure, and try to understand why you may not be able to relax and surrender control; what are you perhaps afraid of if you do?
Question: Hi, this is a great website with lots of useful information, we really should be taught more of this stuff at school.
I'm 15 and my mum recently brought me a back massager which I like to use to massage my clit. It's nice to use especially when I have cramps but it seems to take some of the fun out of masturbating. I orgasm really quickly, I don't get very wet and the orgasms are not as intense as when I use my fingers. Do you have any tips to make masturbating using my back massager more pleasurable?
Answer: Cover your vulva with a small folded towel to decrease the intensity of the vibrations to allow sexual tension and blood engorgement to occur more slowly and to a greater intensity prior to orgasm. See how long you can delay the orgasm rather than going for a quickie. You can also use the vibrator over your cloths to decrease the intensity of the vibrations.
You also might use fantasy and your hands to get yourself aroused prior to using the vibrator. Learn to tease yourself and delay the orgasms.The more muscular tension and blood engorgement there is, the stronger the orgasm tends to be, which is why teasing and delaying orgasm appears to enhance a woman's orgasms. Intense stimulation appears to be able to trigger an orgasm without the need for a lot of muscular tension or full blood engorgement, but the resulting orgasm releases a lot less stored energy. The more aroused your body is, and the greater the stored sexual energy, the stronger the orgasms tend to be.
Question: I am a married woman and I have been sexually attracted to my brother-in-law for 2 years now. there are times where I just want to jump him and have sex with him... thoughts like that pop into my head and I feel it is wrong because I am happily married to HIS brother... I don't know how to stop these sexual thoughts I have of him and stop fantasizing about him. I don't do this all the time but just enough for me to feel guilty about it.
Answer: It is my understanding that this is a common experience and fantasy. Your bother in-law is a lot like your husband in many ways, but perhaps the opposite in many others. They are perhaps like opposite sides of the same coin. Sex with him is also taboo, forbidden, which makes the idea of it even more exciting. There is an emotional component as well as a sexual one. If you see it as a normal yet naughty fantasy you wont feel such guilt, and it would likely have less of an affect on you. Explore the fantasy to its fullest rather than resisting it. If you find him physically attractive, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that, at least to yourself.