Question: I don't know where to get help...I am a Christian and regret having sex as a young adult. Raised in very conservative, traditional Christian home - got book on sex by J. Dobson at onset of menstruation; not even talked about period. Date rape an issue, and all of sex in past usually due to guilt. Abstinance for past 7 years, and okay except now I think I have atrophied. GYN says "right man and right time" sex will work. But I have tried and cannot even insert my slender fingers. I have never masturbated, and GYN recommended candles to loosen me, but I am ashamed. Please help me, I am embarrassed about "toys", unsure about books, scared of when I am ready to marry man of choice, my body won't work. I'm afraid to date because if I find soulmate I will disappoint him on honeymoon. Most Christian adults won't talk straight to me, I don't know about sex other than movies and bad experiences - occasional happy experience. Thank you for any books or sites you can recommend.
Answer: Guilt caused by religious believes in one subject I don't know how to address. You believe what you believe, and as long as you hold those believes you will feel guilty for doing anything that you believe you shouldn't. Some women hold religious ideologies closer to their heart than others. Others pick and choose which teachings to follow. Some come to the conclusion that if sex, alone and with a partner, doesn't cause immediate harm, and actually gives them pleasure, then it can't be as harmful as some say. You have to ask yourself, are the messages you received about sex in the past valid, or has someone used the bible to impart false believes on you? Does the bible truly say what they say it does? The Contemporary English Version (CEV) of the bible has some interesting notes about how difficult it is to translate some of the original Hebrew texts into English, as the true meaning of many passages is unclear to the modern translators. How biased then is the translation of the bible, as a result of the believes of the translators? Your guilt, and experience of rape, should be addressed before you can addresses the physical and sexual subjects you mention. Gynecologists frequently know very little about human sexuality, and how to address sexual concerns, so often aren't a good person to talk to about these subjects. The information linked to below could be of help to you.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guilt
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Date_rape
Question: Okay, I was having sex last night and I let out a fart. And no it wasn't from my vagina. Well it happened when I was getting close to orgasm.....I think so anyways. And it's not the first time it's happened. When I've been with other guys I get close to farting but I try to hold it back because it's kinda embarassing. I was doing missionary too. But um...I try to relax and if I do it'll come out but then I can finish myself off. Is there a way to prevent it from happening??
And my other questions is that I don't think I can have sex doggy style. I've tried to do it with one guy who was really tall and another who's a lot closer to my height. We tried to get it in but to no avail. The first guy was saying my vagina was kinda weird because to him it was higher than usual. The other one just thought that it seems like it goes a different angle. Like it curves up and it's not straight. I've tried to keep it in and turning but it still just doesn't work. Is it possible to be higher up??
Answer: This is one aspect of sex people seldom talk about because of embarrassment, even though I suspect it is a common experience. I have had partners pass gas during sex, it comes with the whole sexual experience, with being human. You are involved in a physical experience, stuff happens. Your partner is putting pressure on your internal organs, which has to cause things to move around. You could try avoiding eating foods that cause gas prior to engaging in partnered sex.
Here is a link to a funny and naughty fart video:
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/183795/sex_fart/
and if you think girls don't fart:
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/59726/battle_of_the_farts/
Your second question is addressed on the website at the following link:
Question: My wife and I are in the golden years of our marriage so in our youth sex was considered dirty and certianly never discussed by our parents in our hearing, though whilst I didn't known it then I now relize I heard my mother having an orgasm.
On our honeymoon my wife new little of sex except for the fumblings of the latter days of our courtship. Hence our sexual activity consisted of sex in the missionary position and turning over and going asleep,she certainly never had an orgasm. We had children and a happy family life. They are now all well settled and we have the house to ourselves.
Over last few years our sex life has taken off, whilst we don't have full intercourse we have long forplay and mutual masturbation sessions and on really hot occassions oral sex. My wife orgasms are moderately noisy.
Our question is my wife often gets the urge to talk dirty as she approaches her climax,but because of passed upbringing finds it difficult to use words like fuck cunt and cock. Her only exclamation is "get into my knickers man and make me wet" I find even that exciting but she would like to be more verbal.
Do other older women have this problem, if so how they over come it are there other exciting words to discribe the vulva, penis and intercourse in the heat of an approaching orgasm?
Answer: Other women have stood in front of a mirror and repeatedly said words out loud that they found uncomfortable saying, or which they felt were offensive, like the word "cunt." The idea being to desensitize yourself to the words so they are easy to say. The words are only inappropriate or offensive if you believe they are. She can then use the bad words in a good context. For example, "I love my pretty cunt."
Outside the bedroom you can also try using flash cards that you show her and she has to say the words. Allow her to choose the words she wants to use, and is ready to use. You can then move on to sentences. You can then ask her, "What would you like me to lick?" or "What would you like to suck?"
You can also start reading erotic stories to each other. You can find some tame ones to start then move on to kinkier material. Women's romance novels may be a good starting point.
Question: Hi there, I'm 29 years old and I need to know if there is anyway that one can lighten the skin around their vulva. I am a fair skinned woman and I realized that the skin around my vulva (the lips/folds/flaps) is of a darker color. Personally, I don't like it, as I'm the kind of person that would rather have no body hair whatsoever. So with the nude vulva I don't like what I see with the darker skin. Is there a safe way of lightening the skin, or do I just have to accept the fact that I am different?
Answer: Not that I am aware of. This coloration is normal so trying to change it would likely harm the tissues.
You can see that the coloration of your vulva isn't so unique by looking through the photographs of the vulva in the Body Image section of the website.
Question: I am 29 years old, and as much as I know that the media tends to alter womens' perceptions of what beauty is, I feel that albeit it, I want to alter my image slightly. I have read your emails of the smaller sized women and even though I have accepted my small size breasts till now (34A) I now want to try and enlarge my bust just by a cup size. I want to know what it feels like, but I dont want to be destructive to my body in terms of plastic surgery. I'm thinking of going the "Bio-bust" way. As I feel its a temp solution and if I don't like it no permanent damage has occured. I need to know if what I assume is correct or if there is another way to go? I just feel that I would really like that one extra cup size. What do you say?
Answer: The medical community actually knows very little about women's hormones. This product alters a woman's hormone levels, if it does anything at all. There are no controls over these products, and it is unlikely they have been medically tested. The answers in their FAQ section leave considerable doubt as to whether this product works, and if so how well. They say it could take 3-6 months to see any improvement, and at the most you will see an increase of only one cup size, i.e. about one inch. It will cost $140-280 to find out if it will work for you, and cost you an additional $67 to make the results permanent(?). I suspect any benefit would only last as long as you used the product. They say their product shouldn't alter the effectiveness of the birth control pill, but I find this hard to believe, as both alter your hormone levels. Use at your own risk.
You can read about the affects on the birth control pill on breast size in the article linked to below. I personally don't recommend women use the pill, because of possible side affects, but acknowledge it is the most effective form birth control available to women who want to engage in vaginal intercourse.
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1628.html
Question: I have a question that I hope you can help me with. My wife and I have been married for 21 years. My wife has had 5 children (vaginal deliveries). She has done a great job of maintaining her figure and does her Kegel's (when she remembers) to maintain muscle tone (flexibility and strength). On occasion I love to use toys during sex. I also use several fingers at a time during foreplay. During the last trimester of one of her pregnancies she was able to take my entire hand and she said it was enjoyable but without the relaxin hormone in her system her vagina can not handle it (I never attempt to force, but play in the realm of tolerance). For the most part my wife enjoys toys and the use of my fingers and hand. However I recently surprised her with a larger toy. Tera Patrick's Big One (8 inches long but has a diameter of 2.5 inches and circumference of 7.25 inches). She said it was stimulating, enjoyable and satisfying but then a couple of days later asked that I not use it again. When asked why she didn't want to use that toy again she had a couple of concerns. Her main concern was that she has had 5 children, is getting close to the menopause years and she does not want to be "stretched out". She has a fear that if I use a large toy or too many fingers she will not be able to maintain a vagina of the proportion she feels is attractive. She also related the though of having a big toy left her with feelings of confusion. So my questions are. Does using a toy or fingers such as described above cause "stretching" of the vagina beyond a point where it is able to maintain proper tone? Since the vagina is maintained by muscle won't the use of exercises Kegel's (with and without resistance) maintain proper tone? Is there research that shows that the use of toys may add to vaginal tone during the menopause years? And is it a common misconception with women that toys or masturbation makes a women a nympho or slut or any other negative connotation? I have more questions but will wait to hear from you. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my concerns.
Answer: I am not overly knowledgeable on this subject. I can only quote the following book.
A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting by Deborah Addington
"Will it make me loose?
If a woman was fisted four or five times a day, every day, for several years, she might begin to notice some loss of vaginal elasticity. Fisting isn't really suited to everyday practice: not because it makes one "loose," but because it's such a heady experience. Exercises to strengthen your pubococcygeal muscles will ensure your continued tightness as well as making you a better fistee."
"If I'm going or have been through "The Change of Life," can I still be fisted?
Menopausal and post menopausal women should proceed with caution; hormonal changes at that stage in a woman's life may result in a thinning of the vaginal mucosa and/or less lubrication - a condition known by the unfortunate title of "vaginal atrophy." A friend who has experienced this tells me that it feels dry, abraded, "like you had too much sex the night before." A reduction in natural lubrication is easy enough to remedy with artificial lubricant, but post menopausal women who aren't taking hormone supplements may have a thinning of the vaginal walls that dramatically increases the risk of fisting-related tear. If you're experiencing menopausal symptoms, see your doctor about the possibility of hormone replacement therapy. If you get the go-ahead, go slow; use plenty of lube, take your time, and stop immediately if it hurts."
"I'm not a spring chicken anymore. Is fisting still and option for me?
Popular sociocultural myth has it that older women have little or no sex drive; that's completely, entirely and utterly false. Age and the changes it brings to a woman's body certainly do have influence on a woman's sexuality, but those changes are not such that they render a woman dispassionately celibate. Age makes the human body more fragile; with increased fragility, a thinning of the mucosa and a reduction in lubrication, there is a slightly higher risk of injury. "Old" does not mean "withered-up and sexless." I asked one of the physicians who consulted with me on this book to estimate how old is too old the be fisted: he said, "Eighty, After that, she should check with her doctor."
Question: Hi, I'm 14 years old and I am very curious about stuff like this. Your website has helped me a lot. As I said I'm 14, but I have not started my period, my breasts have started growing and I have pubic hair, I was just wondering when do you think I will start? Also when you insert a tampon does it break the skin?
Answer: There are several factors that determine when menstruation begins. The main one appears to be body weight. You need a certain percentage of body fat before you will begin to menstruate. I believe, menstruation begins about a year after the onset of breast development, on average. According to some survey results on the website, 11% of women experienced their first period at the age of 14 or older, one out of ten women. The onset of menstruation is called menarche. The medical term for the absense of menstruation is amenorrhea.
Here is a link to a study that looked at whether obesity influenced the onset of puberty.
http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/108/2/347
Please see the information linked to below to find an answer to your question concerning the use of tampons.
Question: I am too embarressed to buy a vibrator or something like that and I was wondering what is safe to use. Others have mentioned an electric toothbrush or a hairbrush and some gal said she used a cucumber and I was wondering if that or a carrot or a banana or whatnot would be okay? And is it okay to use any of these things without a condom? I'm similarly embarressed about buying those too. What could be used instead of a condom?
Answer: Fruits and vegetables may have coatings and pesticides on them that could irritate the vulva and vagina. You need to wash them well and/or put a condom on them. Plastic wrap may work in place of a condom, but wont be as user friendly. Fruits and vegetables may not be as smooth as they feel with your hands, so you should insert the item into your mouth to ensure they are completely smooth, as your lips are extremely sensitive but your vagina may not be, or use a condom.
Many items you can buy at your local store can be used for insertion into the vagina or anus as long as they are smooth and wont break, but items inserted into the anus should have a flared base to prevent them from slipping in all the way. Plastic and thick glass items will work. Go to your local children's toy store and using your imagination you should find many suitable items. The child and infant care section of your local store may have some suitable items too.
Your local store will have muscle and back massagers that are more discrete to buy and own than a "vibrator." There may be some vibrating toys at the toy store too, if you look around.
Question:****A desperate plea: Long-term excruciating problem that I need your help with--please, please, please.****
For the last 17 years (no kidding) I have had a severely irritated urethra (cystoscopies show a lesion--a very irritated sore) which makes urination a nightmare and often prevents sex (of any kind) as penetration and the spasms of orgasm and the passing of urine through the urethra can be painful to the point of requiring morphine to stop the all-out crisis that makes me nearly faint and sick with waves of pain. I have had many, many doctors theorize and mostly they figure that because I have Systemic Lupus and Sjogren's Syndrome, this is just another lesion that happens to be on my posterior urethral wall (rather than in my GI tract or on my spine, for example). I know you're not a doctor and I'm not asking for a medical opinion. I'm asking what I can find no answer to anywhere, not even on this site--is it eve possible for the urethral sponge to become chronically swollen (and even bulging) due to sexual tension? Have you heard of anything like this before? This started after a terribly painful and abrupt break-up with my greatest love (the only man with whom I've been completely uninhibited with sexually); I have always had a very wonderful and healthy sex-life with long and deep relationships, but with him it was just different. I was conscious of "locking" my body against entry on the day he left me and to my astonishment, 2 weeks later I was in this agony which has not desisted to this day, though it does abate now and again lately.
I discovered that during 2 years of regular and satisfying (intense, actually) lovemaking, the pain began to resolve, so it's occurred to me often that, while initially difficult and painful, sex is the cure. I am wondering, could this activity have drained the sponge of excess fluid, thereby taking pressure off the urethra? Now I am back all these years later with the man whom I loved so much, and no, the situation is not one where I need fear his sudden departure again (he had then been on an anti-depressant odyssey which messed with his head pretty badly), and I'm again experiencing reduced pain with regular sexual release, but for years and years I didn't even try to have an orgasm due to the pain of it. I read so much now about the g-spot and its fluid content that it's impossible for me to not ask you (and I do understand you are swamped) if you've ever heard anything even remotely similar to this. The place of pain is near the urethral introitus, just at the area I'd identify as my g-spot (which is both intensely pleasurable and then often painful when stimulated). My urethra has been in spasm for so long, it feels hard when pressed upon upwards through the anterior vaginal wall. There have been times when the entire perineum is in such spasm as to make it a near impossibility to get anything in or out of any opening (I felt as though I'd become a technical virgin again!).
Be assured that any and all medical possibilities have been tested for and elimnated, and that the pain remains despite all these negative tests though red blood cells are being shed from my urethra. It's been ruining my life for a long time and I can't stand much more. Nor can I live my life on morphine (which is not a "fun" drug, contrary to popular belief)
I'm thinking that if it is the urethral sponge that's become inflamed somehow, then release is probably again the "cure"; this online search was stimulated by a sudden and unexpected pain crisis a few hours ago, followed by loving help in having an orgasm in order to reduce swelling in hopes that tomorrow will be better. The pain radiates all the way up into my bladder, though that seems to be merely referred pain.
I noticed that shortly after this started (back in 1990), that my urethral sponge was bulging a good amount of the time, creating the sensation of a huge vulva on which I cannot sit flat. Orgasms often do help, but often also result in a hot knife-like pain that just cuts me in half and makes me (truly) scream. I am very, very stoical, which should be obvious in that I'm still here after 17 yrs of this, during most of which I took NO pain meds. Finally, about 5 yrs. ago I just couldn't go on, and my doc gave me morphine to take at home (having quickly gone up to a dangerous dose of Codeine which no longer worked). I also have to take Valium just to be able to pee at all (muscle relaxants are way too strong). But I can't be stoical any more. I wish to be as free and happy in my body as I was for most of my life (I'm 49). For many years, though, the entire pelvic muscle girdle was rigid, making me walk like a woman in a Jane Austen novel. It's freed up a great deal since sex once again entered my life ('scuse the pun).
I'm sorry this is so long, but I wanted to avert the quick answers that first would come to your mind, so I had to put in enough details that you'd understand this has not been thoroughly explored (giving new meaning to that expression). But doctors don't seem to know anything about how we function sexually, sexually-emotionally, psychosexually. I'm not a baby, nor a hypochondriac. I do have Lupus, but this just cannot explain the intensity of this site-specific pain. And it is not Bartholin gland inflammation. I have never ejaculated, if that's a question in your mind. I was always pretty easily orgasmic, but it has become such a mess of pain, pain meds, intense pleasure, all at once and cross-wiring each other. I have a partner who will help me if you have suggestions of things to try--to work with the urethral sponge. If you think it's over-engorged, can it be drained by a doctor? What sort?
Do you have any ideas at all? Any helpful hints, even? I am so far beyond hopelessness that I'll try anything you think might work--if indeed you think I may be on to something.
This is not an easy one--I'm sorry. I don't know who else to ask. I thank you with all my heart (in advance) for just reading this. I will be grateful for anything you have to offer.
This is a great, great site. Congratulations.Answer: I recommend that you read my article about female ejaculation, because it discusses the female prostate gland, which you refer to as the urethral sponge. In it I make the following statement:
"When the female prostate became a medical concern by becoming enlarged or causing discomfort during urination or intercourse it was called female urethral diverticulum or female prostatitis."
Here is the link to the article:
Perhaps learning to ejaculate would help drain these glands, which are part of your prostate gland. This may explain why orgasm seems to help.
Many women report there is a significant connection between their emotions and their prostate gland and female ejaculation; that they can store a lot of negative energy within it. This may relate to what you have experienced. Deborah Sundahl would be a better person to contact regarding this, as she is more knowledgably when it come to the information you need.
Here is the link to her website.
Her Followup Letter: Thank you, Brad, for answering me. I'm a Healer and I've found a lot of women (and men, it must be emphasized) hold emotional pain to do with sex, lovers, loss of one or the other, in their 2nd Chakra (over the bladder, where internal reproductive organs live), which is what you've said below, but using different words. Sexual "dysfunction" is often quite easily reversed with someone who knows how to open that up (I've done a fair amount of it), but it's tricky because no one wants to feel like a freak and talk about this, and it's hard to get someone open enough to even discussing 2nd chakra work (I'm not talking about massage and "release" but rather deep work with the energy itself). I've been working on my own 2nd chakra since writing to you, and found that it was painfully congested, cleared it, had easier orgasms again, and less pain every day that I did the work.
I went back and read your article more thoroughly, and am about to follow the other link you gave me. Thank you very much.
Question: Hello, I'm 22 and was wondering if you could advise me.
I masturbate regularly, but occassionally, I get the urge to cry, and have cried (as in sobbing) the more sexually excited I get. I feel so upset and its as if masturbating is allowing me to release all of those emotions.
I often masturbate when I am distressed and upset, as it takes my mind off things, its really comforting.I was just wondering if my experiences are normal, and whether or not I should do anything about it.
Answer: It doesn't sound abnormal to me, and other women have reported similar experiences. There appears to be a large amount of emotional release associated with internal stimulation, specifically g-spot stimulation.
It is important to note that crying is at most a "symptom" of a potential problem rather than being a problem in of itself. Crying is a normal emotional response to a given situation, even if the cause isn't beneficial to the individual. You don't want to suppress the desire to cry, but rather address if possible the cause. If the cause is related to hormonal changes associated with your menstrual cycle then there is perhaps nothing you could or should do to suppress the tears. In Western society, we appear to have an unfortunate aversion to the expression of normal emotions, which is detrimental to the individual.