Question:
I am a thirty year-old healthy women and have had numerous wonderful
relationships with men. With some I have had orgasms with just penetration and
with others it takes clitoral stimulation; whatever works is fine with me. I am
now in a relationship with a wonderful guy who will do anything for me. The
problem is that I can't have an orgasm with penetration alone and he or I can
stimulate my clitoris until the cows come home and nothing happens or it takes a
very very long time. He has a hard time coming if I haven't come yet. Until anal
sex! I've had it in past relationships and it was okay, but now when we have
anal sex it takes me about 10 seconds to orgasm and I can have multiples. Why is
this? I know he prefers vaginal sex but will have anal because it's so reliable
but can get a tad messy. I've read a lot to try to have easier orgasms, but anal
seems to be what my body wants. If you have any answers I'd appreciate them.
Answer: We all
change with the passage of time. There are many things that can effect what is
sexually stimulating for us at any given time. A partner's technique; even
subtle changes can have a major affect on our sexual pleasure. As can the type
of relationship you have with them, wild or calming. Your emotional state can
also influence things; work stress etc. As a result, a woman's sexual needs are
constantly changing; what works today may not work tomorrow.
A woman's hormone levels are influenced by many factors and can start to
decrease long before menopause, if they were not already low following puberty.
If by chance the sensitivity of your vulva and clitoris have decreased you may
need to see a doctor about having your hormone levels checked, primarily your
testosterone level. Estrogen levels are harder to measure as they are constantly
changing because of a woman's menstrual cycle. You did not mention if you
masturbate or if there has been a change there as well. If you are less
sensitive to your own touch, see if there is a medical cause.
You are not the only woman who prefers or is only able to experience orgasm
as a result anal stimulation. There are even lesbians who prefer anal
stimulation and intercourse. This is because a woman's genitals may not be as
sensitive to sexual stimulation. This can have biological causes such as low
nerve ending densities or varying hormone levels and sensitivities. It can also
be the result disassociation. Many girls are not permitted to explore their
vulva; it is something they should keep hidden, even from themselves. They may
never find their clitoris or suppress the sensations it produces. When they
become sexually active they may find it hard to make a connection with their
vulva. If a woman does not feel good about her vulva it is harder to enjoy
having it touched. If a woman is not comfortable with her female identity she
may not be at ease with her female sexual and reproductive organs. Their vulva
is just a place where urine and menses exits their body.
The anus on the other hand is usually very sensitive to stimulation. Women
are much more likely to find anal stimulation too intense or unpleasant than to
feel nothing at all. In addition, women may be more familiar with their anus as
a result of having daily bowel movements. They may not have good feelings about
their anus but they are more aware of it.
Prior to engaging in anal sex climb into the shower and wash your anus and
slip a finger inside to see if your rectum is empty. If not, lubricating your
anus may allow you to have a bowel movement and empty your rectum without
straining. You can also buy a disposable enema bottle, i.e. Fleet enema, empty
out the supplied contents which are too harsh for sexual purposes, and fill it
with plain warm water. Empty the bottle into your rectum and then have a bowel
movement. Afterwards you can check your rectum once again to see that everything
has been expelled. Allow several minutes to ensure all the water has been
expelled prior to initiating sex.
Using an enema bag or syringe and more water may not be advisable, but some
people do enjoy erotic enemas. If you do use a larger amount of water allow one
or more hours before engaging in intercourse to allow all the water to work its
way out of your body. If you do not, anal sex may get very messy.
Something you can try to meet both your needs is inserting a butt plug into
your anus prior to vaginal intercourse. Perhaps the combination of anal and
vaginal stimulation will allow you to experience orgasm. You will want to buy a
small and medium sized butt plug to start out; they are usually 1 inch and 1 1/2
inches in diameter respectively. You can lubricate your anus and insert the plug
prior to engaging in sex with your partner. Get flexible silicones ones if
possible; they are more expensive but work well and are easier to clean. It is
still a good idea to put a condom on the plug as it makes cleanup faster and
simpler. Choose plugs with a base that will permit vaginal penetration when they
are inserted; some have round bases while others have rectangular bases that fit
between the butt cheeks better. They also make vibrating butt plugs for a little
added stimulation.
You can also try using a vibrator on your clitoris during vaginal
intercourse. Try a wand style vibrator such as the Hitachi Magic Wand or the small but powerful Pocket Rocket
The first has a power cord but the second is battery powered.