Question: Hi, I can't seem to make myself cum, I did once, on Jan. 10 of this year. But, that's the only time I ever have, no matter how hard I try, I can't make myself cum anymore. What should I do to make myself cum? I mean, I have orgasms but nothing comes out really. It felt good when I did cum, but how do I do it again? When I did I was using my electric toothbrush, and I've tried using it again and again, but nothing happens. What do you think I should do to cum?
Answer: Unfortunately, we do not know a lot about female ejaculation, i.e. cuming.
Deborah Sundahl in her book Female Ejaculation & The G-Spot says there are three things that influence female ejaculation; mental attitude, muscle strength, and the menstrual cycle, the three M's. Her book addresses these topics in detail, something I cannot do here.
Part of the problem may be that you are intentionally trying to ejaculate, which results in you interfering with the natural process. You could be tightening muscles that should be relaxed and/or the anxiety caused by repeated failures has created a mental block. The harder we try to force our body to do something the less likely it will do it, especially when it comes to pleasure and orgasms, or cuming.
I can only recommend that you masturbate for the simple pleasure of it, and don't try to intentionally ejaculate. Work on staying relaxed. Explore Kegel exercises to gain control of and strengthen your pelvic muscles. You need strong pelvic muscles to expel the fluid. You need to learn to isolate these muscles, as you don't want to be tightening your stomach muscles. Drink plenty of water and allow your bladder to fill a little. I don't know if you were using your toothbrush for internal or external stimulation but you might find a suitable object to insert into your vagina for G-Spot stimulation. You want to massage and stimulate the front or top wall of your vagina. Sexual arousal is important to the process of ejaculation so use your clitoris to get yourself aroused and then explore G-Spot stimulation.You might back track and figure out where you were in your menstrual cycle on Jan. 10th. What had you been doing that day, eaten, drank, done, what your level of desire and arousal where, sexual activities, levels of mental and physical arousal, etc. The more you understand the events of that day the greater the chances of you being able to recreate the experience.
I hope this tiny bit of information is of help.
Question: Why does my clitoris hurt so badly after orgasm that I can't have multiple orgasms? I want to learn to have multiple orgasms. Please help.
Answer: Is the pain the result of it being extremely sensitive to touch or does your clitoris ache from being fully engorged? The hypersentivity is a common experience for women, and men, following orgasm. You need to find non-clitoral forms of stimulation to sustain your level of arousal between orgasms, and take deep breaths to help you relax. Switch to vaginal, anal, nipple, and/or mental stimulation to keep yourself aroused while avoiding your clitoris. Apply tons of lubricant to your clitoris to act as a barrier, perhaps thick petroleum jelly, which is okay to use on the vulva but not inside the vagina. If it is too thick try baby or vegetable oil. Please note that these types of lubricants cannot be used with condoms, as they cause latex to quickly break down.
Try using a vibrator, as they provide sustained stimulation, which is often necessary for multiple orgasms. It provides non-frictional stimulation so is less likely to be too much for your super sensitive clitoris. When your clitoris becomes highly sensitive move the vibrator away from direct contract with it but keep the vibrator close enough to stimulate your vulva. Place or press it against your outer labia or cup your vulva with one hand and place the vibrator on top of that hand to dampen the vibrations; a small folded towel will work too.
Some women find vaginal stimulation, especially G-Spot, stimulation results in multiple orgasms. You might need to explore experiencing orgasms from vaginal stimulation alone. Use your clitoris to get yourself highly aroused but use vaginal stimulation for the actual trigger of orgasm. Your clitoris and G-Spot are supplied by different nerves. When your clitoris becomes too sensitive to touch explore vaginal stimulation.
Many women use water spray to experience orgasm. Place your vulva under the tub faucet and move your body around to control the amount of stimulation your clitoris receives.
Make sure you stay relaxed, as if your tighten up, because the sensations are too intense, it actually makes it worse. Deep breathing, panting like they teach in childbirth class may help.
Question: Hi, I really want to get a vibrator, the only problem is I'm not all that experienced. Could you give me some advice on what to do and which would be the best for a beginner.
Answer: Please see the article by Betty Dodson linked to below:
http://www.bettydodson.com/vibhowtouse.htm
I would recommend either the battery powered Pocket Rocket or the electric Hitachi Magic Wand for the first time buyer.
Question: I want to start off by thanking your site. I have been online trying to get some information for hours now.
I am of African descent and when I was 12 I was circumcised. There are two types of [Female Circumcision] FC: Pharoanic and Sunnah.
Apparently, I was luckier than my older sister since I was made to experience the latter. This is where incisions are made on each side of the hood (then later they’re stitched up) and a piece of the inner labia is removed; all of this is done under a local anesthetic. To be quite honest I am not even sure if all the stitches came out.
I can’t tell you how much that affects me on a regular basis. Not many people know enough about this problem and aside from just being generally screwed up in all levels and being physically different from my peers it really scares me not knowing. I was told in passing that infertility and constant infections are the general consequences of FC.
I am emailing you for two reasons: one is to ask you if you could put on your site more information of FC and it consequences. Maybe have some links where people like me can get help.
The second is to get some advice.
About a couple months ago, I woke up to an extremely swollen clitoris (it was more uncomfortable than painful) about a week later it was gone. This week it’s back except its more swollen and hurts more than it was last time and it’s like a hard bump especially on one side. It hurts especially where those incisions were made…. What is it? Is this a side effect too?Answer: Based on the type of alterations that were done to your vulva I would not expect you to experience the physical adverse side affects you mention. They are more often associated with Pharaonic circumcision. If only superficial soft tissue was cut and/or removed from your vulva then I would not expect this to significantly alter your reproductive or sexual function. What would adversely affect your sexual function would be damage to or removal of nerve endings, as when the clitoral glans is removed, and when scar tissue forms, as when the vulva is sewn closed. Given the enormous diversity in genital appearances it is unlikely someone would know you were circumcised unless you told them, or more harm was done than you are aware of and mention.
I do address FGM a little in the following Q &A:.
qa_index_fgm.htm
The psychological consequences will likely adversely affect your sexuality more than the physical changes. The social and sexual motives behind these procedures can do more harm than the physical damage; excluding major medical complications and painful intercourse. The reason for this is that the brain is the largest and most complex sexual organ. Being different from your siblings and peers may also adversely affect your self image and as a result your sexuality.
The problem you report could be the result of improper hygiene, which might result in infections and clitoral adhesions. Please see the pages linked to below:
hygiene.htm
adhesio.htm
vaginitis.htmIf the cause is not hygiene, but related to the incisions that were made in your clitoris then you will need to consult a doctor. Scar tissue could be causing a problem with circulation of body fluids in the area. Some of the complications associated with FGM are addressed on the following web sites:
http://www.rcn.org.uk/publications/pdf/female_genital_mutilation.pdf
General information on FGM can be found on the following web sites:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_circumcision
http://www.4woman.gov/faq/fgc.htm
http://www.fgmnetwork.org/index.php
http://www.path.org/files/RHR-Article-8.pdf
http://www.who.int/reproductive-health/publications/fgm/fgm_programmes_review.pdf
http://pages.unibas.ch/diss/2003/DissB_6516.pdf
http://se-web-01.rb.se/shop/Archive/Documents/3251FGM.pdf
Question: I can't seem to feel much pleasure stimulating my clitoris, and I am wondering if my clitoris is simply not sensitive? As a result I can't seem to enjoy masturbating, and has never had an orgasm. What is wrong with me?
Answer: This subject is addressed in several questions and answers on the web site. Please have a look to the information linked to below:
Follow-Up Question: I have written to you before regarding my insensitive clitoris, and I appreciate the link you gave me. Now, I have another questions, which is somewhat addressed in your site, but I can't find the actual answers I'm looking for, so I hope you can help me out, or provide me with another link.
I'm relieved to read from your web site that for some women their urethral opening is more sensitive than other parts. As I mentioned before, I cannot masturbate to orgasm, my clitoris is simply not sensitive. I am 30 yrs old, still a virgin. My ex-boyfriend had fingered me before, it felt really great, but I didn't climax. I never knew what an orgasm was until a few years ago, when it suddenly occurred to me that I probably have always experienced orgasm, since I was young.
I suspect all those experiences I had were really orgasms, but I cannot be certain, as they are neither clitoral nor G-spot orgasms, more like 'urethral orgasms', but is there such a thing/term?
My 'orgasms' resulted by clenching my thighs tightly, squeezing my vagina, while fantasizing. I love the sensations, especially the climax, but would usually end up with sore legs the next day, which can be difficult to walk.
While I were a young teenager, I didn't have to fantasize much to achieve the orgasms, but since my late 20s, fantasies are a must, which means it seems to be getting harder to climax. I have recently tried with my fingers to massage or rub against the urethral opening, but it doesn't feel as good as clenching my thighs, therefore no climaxes at all.
My questions are, are those experiences I had really orgasms? Looking at the method to achieve that, it is really difficult for a boyfriend to do it to me, I'm afraid my future boyfriend would find me strange when I can't climax through him stimulating me, or even when we do have intercourse... I'm also tired of getting sore legs the next day, so I'm trying to find other methods to stimulate myself, with no results. Apart from these, I feel like I'm one of the extremely rare persons, who climaxes through this method. It's like, I can't say I masturbate, yet I experience orgasms?
Should I continue to find other methods of stimulation, or do I go on with my old method, which is so tiring I'd like to change?
Thanking you in advance for your attention.Follow-Up Answer: In regard to your insensitive clitoris have you seen the following page about clitoral adhesions?
adhesio.htm
Other women/girls masturbate as you do. Muscle tension, specifically in the thighs, rather than clitoral or vaginal stimulation triggers orgasm. In the shared masturbation section women relate hanging from things or squeezing their legs together to reach orgasm. This is a technique usually learned as young a girl. The link shown below addresses this subject:A partner cannot provide this type of stimulation so it may make it difficult to experience orgasm during partnered sex. It is encouraging that it felt good when your partner fingered you but since you don't know how to have an orgasm this way on your own a small barrier may exist to orgasm. Your mind and body may not know how to have an orgasm through other types of stimulation, and they may actually resist the process. The problem is that we tend to rely on masturbation methods that are known to work, even if they have undesired side affects.
I would suggest using water spray, i.e. a shower massager, or a vibrator to help you learn how to have orgasms through clitoral stimulation. You may also want to explore internal stimulation with a dildo, as some women require this, and/or nipple stimulation. Also, be sure to incorporate mental stimulation, fantasy, into these activities. Read a erotic book or watch an adult movie. You want your brain focused on sex, not what you are doing to your body, or the things your body is experiencing. You want your brain in a sexual frame of mind not a logical one.
Question: How much does a normal girl moan/scream during orgasm? I'm worried that I might be different or abnormal. Also, if you could give me any tips to be secretive that would be very helpful.
Answer: There is no such thing as normal. Some women make more noise than others. If anything, most women are impaired by the fact that they have learned to limit their vocalizations; they learned to masturbate silently so no one would known. If you are making noises that means you aren't holding your breath. So keep making noise. We make a very wide range of noises during orgasm, and they are all normal.
I recommend turning on the radio or stereo or jumping in the shower to conceal some of the noise. Some women bury their head in a pillow, or bite down on a pillow to decrease the amount of noise they create. If you have neighbors and make lots of noise, try to make the noises before they go to bed, so you don't wake them; they will appreciate this.
Question: I am a 27 year old male. My girlfriend is 24 years old. We've been seeing each other for almost a year and I have never given her an orgasm. She was raised by strict parents and religion is a big part of her life. According to her, she has never had an orgasm herself, nor has she tried too. I am the first serious love in her life, and I know we'll be together for a long time, if not the rest of our lives. While she is comfortable letting me touch her anywhere, I want more than anything for her to feel as good as she makes me feel when she touches me. We have not had intercourse, and she's still a virgin. In fact I can't penetrate her with anything at all. I've tried with different fingers, and while I know the hymen can hurt the first time, you'd think I was killing her. She is always extremely wet when I try, but it is too painful to get something even the size of my pinky in her. I have read that this may be a problem all in itself.
Let me explain what I've tried, maybe it will give you a better idea of what is missing from my formula.
We started off slow and easy. Anytime I try anything, I make sure she is almost begging me and extremely turned on. Most times I won't try anything new unless she is so wet it's running down her legs. I start by asking her what she likes. She doesn't know, she doesn't know what feels good. Unless she's turned on and I'm kissing her mouth, she has a hard time finding any spots she likes. I've gone over her body parts with her and tried to familiarize her a little bit. Please don't laugh, but she thought she peed out of her clit. I haven't got a mirror and showed her her own body, but I didn't think I would have too? Keep in mind a guy is writing this message. I haven't gone into incredible details with her parts, but I have touched her there plenty. I have also gone down on her countless times. I've tried everything under the sun really, at least I think I have. Ice-cream-like licks, more pressure, less pressure, circles, sucking the clit (being careful of teeth), touching while licking, letting her touch. I've even tried in different positions, from behind, while caressing and grabbing all over. I could go on. If I've missed something, maybe not hitting the clit perfectly, is all I can think of. Her hood is a little tighter, making it hard to pull back, but usually the tip of the clit is partially exposed.
Interestingly, she says she likes my fingers more than my tongue. She says my tongue is too slippery and wet. I've tried a lot with the fingers. Though I've noticed she likes more pressure with my fingers as time goes on. I tell her fantasy's of mine while touching her clit with my fingers and kissing her. She also likes to be touching/stroking my penis while I use my hand on her clit. It turns her on more, not that I'm complaining. Again, never penetrated her, just more circles than I can count, and more positions I knew a man and woman could do while touching her there. I could go into detail on things I've tried exactly with my fingers but that would honestly take too long. Every once and awhile she'll say real quick, "That felt really good." But goes as quick as it came. Can be tougher to keep up because she's a squirmier. I bought a Lelo vibrator for her and tried it on her a few times. Didn't really do much. I've tried porn on her, of coarse seeing it for the first time wasn't really a turn on for her. I've taken a shower with her first, tried romantic nights, flowers and candles in the bedroom. They seem to add to her arousal and mood, but no luck as of yet.
You can tell I am a patient man. I don't force anything upon her, and we still take our time for what is comfortable for us. At least it seems like we do... And I definitely avoid dwelling on the fact that she hasn't had one yet. Talk about hard to do, especially trying to get input on her from what worked and what did she like? I'm still around, so hopefully it isn't just due to my good looks. :) But I'm starting to hit dead ends here, and running low on the fresh ideas. I will continue to be patient with her for as long as it takes. Any and all info would be a great appreciation. I would also prefer to keep this as confidential as possible. I'm not sure if I'm talking to the right person or place, but any help would be more than I could thank you for.
Answer: It is possible that your girlfriend is experiencing vaginismus, which is an involuntary contraction of her pelvic muscles. Even though she is sexually aroused her mind is saying no to any type of penetration. A strict religious upbringing is a common cause. It is also more common in women who have not explored their vulva and vagina and that do not masturbate. If she is experiencing vaginismus she needs to seek professional help. This is a problem she alone must address, as anything you do at this point will only make things worse, i.e. don't try to insert anything into her vagina. She needs to take responsibility for her own sexuality and pleasure and resolve the issues that cause her mind and body the fear penetration. On a conscious level she may says yes but deep down part of her is saying no. Her prior learning is the cause rather than there being something wrong or broken with her. Something she learned or experienced in the past makes her fear penetration or something associated with it, like pregnancy or loss of virginity etc.
If she has never masturbated to orgasm then is it much less likely that you will be able to stimulate her to orgasm, as her mind and body do not know how and may actually work against you. Sex therapist often hold the believe that if a woman cannot masturbate to orgasm she isn't ready for partnered sex.
Please see the page linked to below to learn about the many causes of painful intercourse and vaginal penetration:
virgin2.htm#pain1
The subject of vaginismus is addressed on the following web sites:http://www.womentc.com/vaginismus.htm
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001487.htm
http://www.vaginismus.com/
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/vaginismus/http://www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org/
Follow-up Question 1: Thank you for the response. I can't tell you how much it means to get some help on this.
I've been trying to get her to go to the gynecologist for as long as we've been dating. She's never been her whole life, 24 years. I guess for now I'll give up poking her till she's had some help. Not that I really ever hurt her, or try often. I hate seeing her in pain, and it's turned into a nightmare to even try.
As far as some guidance goes. I know your response was a little more generic on the information. Which means a lot to me. But are you suggesting that I should stop trying to make her feel good? I would maybe agree if she was 16-20, but she's almost 25. She won't do anything, like go to the doctor, or masturbate without a good push in the right direction. Hasn't in 24 years, she won't in 24 more. She seems to like how I make her feel, but are you telling me that I could be making it worse? Should I do nothing and wait for her to come around? I don't feel that to be the right coarse of action, and I'm not thinking for myself at all on this. I've read frequency helps, and she's definitely more comfortable with things, and gets aroused more easily. Should I drop this and never talk about her with it, touch her, try things, until she's ready? She's 24...
Sorry don't mean that to come off as arguing or mad, I'm just scared for her and not sure where to go.
Thank you so much. This is hard.
Follow-up Answer 1: I would let her know you might know the cause of her pain, vaginismus, and that she is not alone, and that help is available. You don't want her feeling alone and isolated, or weird. She did nothing to cause this, but others caused it by what they taught or exposed her to.
Going to most gynecologists, or therapists, would not be wise, as few know anything about this condition, and it will make things worse by trying to stick a specula or their fingers into her, as you already know it wont happen and will only cause her pain. Her reluctance to go only serves to indicate pain is the only likely outcome, emotional and physical. Her refusal to go to a gynecologist is another likely symptom of vaginismus.
Unfortunately, she has some major issues she must address on her own, you can't do it for her. You can support her and provide her with information but trying to use force will only cause further emotional strain. At this point it sounds like you are doing everything, she isn't an equal participant.
I would say physical intimacy is okay but sex is out. I believe, for what it is worth, that you are simply going to find yourself running repeatedly into a brick wall. I believe both of you will only experience increased frustration. Failed attempts are worse than no attempts. Hug and kiss her, take a shower with her, give each other full body massages, but sex for pleasure should be only in the form of masturbation for both of you, which she needs to learn how to do. For her, Betty Dodson's book Sex for One: The Joys of Self Loving might be a good gift, if she is willing to read it.I would get a copy of the book on vaginismus I mentioned prior and give it to her. You might even read it to her. You might also search for someone in your area who knows how to treat this condition. The women who wrote the book may have a list of doctors on their web site. What I have read so far in their book is very interesting. A woman on my discussion group has vaginismus and may be able to provide some support. You might do a search of the discussion group and contact her.
Your girlfriend may fear that you will leave her if she doesn't experience orgasm or can't allow vaginal penetration and the anxiety may make her problems worse. You need to let her know that you feel you both need to seek outside help for her, as the answer is beyond what you can do alone. Knowing others share her experience will hopefully give her the courage to seek help.
Follow-up Question 2: I actually purchased a vaginismus kit prior to talking to you. I was a little embarrassed to say, and I didn't realize it was so severe. I feel very hesitant to show her it or use it on her. I haven't read and watched all of the instructional things that came with it yet. I will.
I had a question about marriage. If I marry her, will this get better, or will it get worse? If she's been raised to think sex after marriage is ok, is this going to help her? I'm not saying I'd marry her to help her, but I am going to marry her anyway, and would that help? I am ready to accept that we may not be able to make love on our wedding night, but as you can tell I love her and will do what's right for her.
I hate to ask this too because it's even weirder and it's not something we do. Would drugs help this condition at all? If I were to get my hands on strong relaxant prescription drug like Percocet, for example. And she was willing to take it. Would that be a temporary solution to the problem, possibly allow me to stretch her hymen slightly or enough... I'm not saying something to take more than once either. Just to aid in this, or even on the wedding night for example... I think you can tell I'm drawing at straws here. But a question I'm curious about.
For the masturbation. I'm going to pick up a copy of the book you mentioned and hopefully persuade her to at least look through it. The local Barnes & Noble has one so I lucked out. The penetration doesn't matter so much as I would like her to experience an orgasm. But I'm guessing it could be related to the vaginismus? Either way this is something I think I just need to take time with. Maybe explaining the vaginismus will get her to try masturbation as well...
Thank You.
Follow-up Answer 2: Others who have gotten married with the hope that the vaginismus would magically disappear were disappointed to learn nothing had changed. I would not expect things to change after marriage.
Masking or forcibly overcoming the problem with numbing agents will not help if the problem is vaginismus, as her body goes into a defensive mode, which is trigger by her mind. As long as her mind finds the idea of penetration threatening it will prevent it.
Follow-up 3: Just a quick thing though. I don't think she has this vaginismus thing. If I had to guess I'd say she has a thick hymen or something along those lines. It's painful as all hell, but this has nothing to do with muscles or involuntary problems.
I know you said not to try, but it's been awhile since we have, and I did a little bit, with her permission. I was almost able to get my finger in up to the first knuckle. Loud signs of pain yes, but after it was stretched it was ok. Getting it stretched is just so hard. At least she thinks she can get a tampon in her now, so... I don't think she's got this vaginismus though. Got to be other conditions associated with thick hymens or painful first times.
As another note, I had her watch porn with me for the second time. She seemed to like it a little more, and almost got a few moans out of her. She was bucking a little and I thought we were close. I picked up that Sex for One book and will hopefully get her to read it.
Thanks again.
Follow-up Answer 3: I was out of the country for a couple weeks and was not able to continue the correspondence with this gentleman.
Being able to insert a finger, especially if it causes pain, doesn't mean a woman doesn't have vaginismus. A single finger is much smaller than an erect penis. If her hymen was the true cause then minor surgery would likely be necessary, but this surgery would not cure vaginismus.
It is necessary for women to take responsibility for their own sexuality and pleasure. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink. Going through the motions of sex with a woman who is unable to be sexual will only result in frustration for both.
Related information is presented in the article titled Locating Your Vagina in the anatomy section of the web site.
Question: When I masturbate, the only way I can come is by getting on top of a pillow and humping it. I tried other ways for years but with no success. I even bought a small vibrator and still no help. I've been humping pillows since before I was 3 years old so it's basically all I know. Even when I have sex I have be on top and rub my clit against my boyfriend in a the same way in order to orgasm, not in any other position. I think my clit is just used to getting it that way and likes it no other way. Am I set in my ways....? I tried many different techniques with no success... Do you think that I can only orgasm this way because of the fact that I've been experiencing orgasm this one particular position since I was a very young child?
Answer: Many women share your experience and history with this method of masturbation and its affects on partnered sex. I believe not learning as a young age that you could roll over and use your fingers is a possible hindrance when it comes to partnered sex, but I also believe experiencing orgasm through this means is far better than not experiencing orgasm at all. Some women can only experience orgasm when they use a vibrator or their own fingers, so while the means of experiencing orgasm may vary the possible limitations don't.
An orgasm is an orgasm so don't hold the false believe that experiencing orgasm through other means will result in better or more satisfying orgasms. It is great that you acknowledge you can only experience orgasm by rubbing against your partner, which is better than faking orgasm, as many women do. Even if you could masturbate to orgasm using another technique the need for direct clitoral stimulation will not change, be it your fingers, his fingers, or his body.
Something that caught my eye in your letter is that you mention trying a "small" vibrator. What is the significance of its size? Did you intentionally choose a small one and if so why? You want to use it on your clitoris not inside your vagina so size becomes irrelevant. If anything bigger is better for external stimulation, as the vibrations are spread over a larger area.
All vibrators are not created equal. Some simply don't provide enough stimulation. I would recommend either the battery powered Pocket Rocket or the electric Hitachi Magic Wand, as they are powerful.
If you have not located your clitoris please do so and make sure you don't have clitoral adhesions. You may require direct stimulation of your clitoral glans if you are to experience orgasm, alone and with a partner.
Here is info on adhesions:
adhesio.htm
The advise for pre-orgasmic women may also be of help, as the same factors apply when learning new techniques:
tips.htmYou might also try water spray from your tub faucet or a hand held shower head.
Do not overlook the importance and necessity of mental stimulation during solo and partnered sexual activities.
You are not broken, so don't try to fix anything. Explore pleasure without focusing on orgasm. Relax and do things that feel good, then and only then is orgasm a possibility.
Question: Is dried sperm able to make a woman pregnant? For example, if a man touches it and then after it dries he puts his fingers inside my vagina.
Answer: No, sperm is relatively fragile so once it dries out or no longer at body temperature it quickly degenerates. Sperm must be kept in a suitable environment if they are to live. This means they die quickly when not in a warm moist environment like the testicles, prostate, vulva, vagina, or uterus, but sperm can live for a short period of time on other areas of the body. Fresh semen containing sperm can be transported from the penis to the vulva and vagina with a person's fingers, and sperm can live long enough on the surface of the skin to travel from a woman's inner thighs and vulva into her vagina and uterus, leading to conception.
Question: Hi. Ever since I was about 11 (I'm 17 now) I would masturbate by laying on my stomach with my pants on and grinding against my hands. I would never reach orgasm (well, maybe a few times) and it would only last about 2 minutes, but it did feel really good, and I would do it about 3-5 times a night.
This is where I get confused. See, I get aroused easily. I just have to think about something and I get wet.
About three months ago I got my first boyfriend. I love him so much it isn't funny. He has gone down on me before, but the problem is, I don't feel anything! Some times I feel something, but I act like it feels good cause I don't want to make him feel bad. I know he is doing it right, but it doesn't feel as good as I can do.
Also, my nipples are really sensitive. But when he bites or sucks on it, I feel more then I do on my clit, but still, nothing!
I don't understand this. I KNOW I can feel sexual stuff, and I know he is doing it right. But for some reason, even when he is licking my clit, I hardly feel anything. When he would rub my clit with my pants on, I could feel more pleasure. In fact, I like it more with his fingers then his tongue. I just don't understand this. Even with his fingers I still felt hardly anything. Maybe my clit isn't normal and he isn't actually licking/rubbing it?
Could it be because I'm still a virgin, or what? I haven't masturbated since I've been dating him.
Answer: There are a number or possibilities. A lot of it may have to do with your inexperience, with direct clitoral stimulation, masturbation, and partnered sex.
Please read through the information provided for pre-orgasmic women linked to below, as it provides insight into what it takes for a woman to experience orgasm.
tips.htm
It sounds like you need to learn how to masturbate to orgasm using a technique different from what you have used in the past.
First, you and your boyfriend need to make sure you know where your clitoris is, as many people don't know how to find a woman's clitoris. If you aren't actually stimulating your clitoris then "clitoral" stimulation will not feel pleasurable. Locating your clitoris is addressed in the following Q&A:
qa_1/qa1_4.htm
Then read through all the shared masturbation techniques to see if you can find one that works for you:
masturb.htm
My recommendation is to try masturbating with water spray in the tub or shower, or a muscle massager that you can buy at your local department store.
Don't be overly concerned about not feeling pleasurable stimulation when your vulva is stimulated, as thinking about it can be a barrier to pleasure, and decrease your level of arousal, which decreases your sensitivity to stimulation. You can read about other women who don't experience pleasure when their vulva or clitoris are stimulated in the Q&A section of the web site.
Some women don't have a clitoris that is sensitive to sexual stimulation and others require direct stimulation of their clitoris glans. Your clitoral glans may be hidden under a concealing hood that prevents the direct stimulation you require. I know one woman who did not enjoy oral stimulation of her vulva until she and her partnered discovered her small clitoral glans was hidden and they had to retract the hood to expose it to direct stimulation.Keep in mind some women have a clitoris that is too sensitive for direct stimulation and are only able to stimulate it indirectly through the hood.
Having vaginal intercourse wont increase the chances of orgasm or increased clitoral stimulation. I would recommend waiting on exploring intercourse until you can experience orgasm through other means with your partner.If you want to explore vaginal stimulation you should do so alone, without any distractions. Some women who do not enjoy clitoral stimulation enjoy internal vaginal stimulation with fingers or a dildo.
I am not surprised by the fact that you prefer for him to stimulate your vulva over your cloths. When he touches the fabric of your underwear he causes it to slide across your tissues resulting in frictional stimulation. Since your underwear is likely made of a very soft fabric there is likely very little friction resulting in very gentle stimulation of your vulvar tissues. Erotic touch usual requires very light touch, compared to the non-sexual stimulation your vulva is exposed to during daily activities. When he touches your vulva directly, and there is a lack of lubrication, then there may be too much friction, or no friction and only pressure because his fingers are not able to slide effortlessly across the surface of your skin. Men also tend to use too much pressure and force when stimulating a woman's vulva.
I would recommend leaving your underwear on and having him caress your vulva through them, even licking your vulva through them. Experiment with underwear made from different fabrics to change the amount friction that occurs. While you should normally wear underwear made of 100% cotton for health reasons you can change into other types of fabrics during your sexual activities.When you remove your underwear prior to sexual stimulation apply tons of lubricant to your vulva to reduce the amount of friction and stimulation. You will want things to slip and slide. You can use baby oil, massage oil, vegetable oil, or the like as a lubricant on your vulva, but "oils" will cause condoms to rapidly break down; if you plan on having intercourse afterwards. If you are going to use condoms then use an appropriate lubricant, such as those that are water or silicone based.
You should continue to masturbate even when you are dating, as you need to maintain an erotic connection with yourself. You should also be masturbating with your partner present so he can learn how you like to be stimulated, what works best for you. He needs to know what works for you now so he has some understanding of why other things do not work.
Many women who learned to masturbate as you did/do, by lying on their stomach, sometimes find it challenging to experience orgasm during sex with a partner. Time to roll over and use your fingers, water spray, or a muscle massager.
I would recommend reading the pages about Virginity linked to below, as the subject of sexual development is addressed there.
virgin1.htm
If you are concerned about your scent and taste during oral sex it may be difficult for you to relax and enjoy the stimulation and experience orgasm. You might explore your scent and taste to reassure yourself that they are pleasant and enjoyable to your partner. The subject of scent is addressed on the page about hygiene linked to below: