Question: Hi, I can't seem to make myself cum, I did once, on Jan. 10 of this year. But, that's the only time I ever have, no matter how hard I try, I can't make myself cum anymore. What should I do to make myself cum? I mean, I have orgasms but nothing comes out really. It felt good when I did cum, but how do I do it again? When I did I was using my electric toothbrush, and I've tried using it again and again, but nothing happens. What do you think I should do to cum?
Answer: Unfortunately, we do not know a lot about female ejaculation, i.e. cuming.
Deborah Sundahl in
her book Female Ejaculation & The G-Spot says there are three things
that influence female ejaculation; mental attitude, muscle strength, and the menstrual cycle, the three M's. Her book addresses these topics in
detail, something I cannot do here.
Part of the problem may be that you are intentionally trying to ejaculate, which
results in you interfering with the natural process. You could be tightening
muscles that should be relaxed and/or the anxiety caused by repeated failures has created a mental block. The harder we try to force our body to do
something the less likely it will do it, especially when it comes to pleasure
and orgasms, or cuming.
I can only recommend that you masturbate for the simple pleasure of it, and don't
try to intentionally ejaculate. Work on staying relaxed. Explore Kegel exercises to gain control of and strengthen your pelvic muscles. You need strong
pelvic muscles to expel the fluid. You need to learn to isolate these muscles, as you don't want to be tightening your
stomach muscles. Drink plenty of water and allow your bladder to fill a
little. I don't know if you were using your toothbrush for internal or external
stimulation but you might find a suitable object to insert into your vagina for
G-Spot stimulation. You want to massage and stimulate the front or top wall of
your vagina. Sexual arousal is important to the process of ejaculation so use
your clitoris to get yourself aroused and then explore G-Spot stimulation.
You
might back track and figure out where you were in your menstrual cycle on Jan.
10th. What had you been doing that day, eaten, drank, done, what your level of desire and
arousal where, sexual activities, levels of mental and physical arousal, etc. The more
you understand the events of that day the greater the chances of you being able
to recreate the experience.
I hope this tiny bit of information is of help.
Question: Why does my clitoris hurt so badly after orgasm that I can't have multiple orgasms? I want to learn to have multiple orgasms. Please help.
Answer: Is the
pain the result of it being extremely sensitive to touch or does your clitoris
ache from being fully engorged? The hypersentivity is a common experience for
women, and men, following orgasm. You need to find non-clitoral forms of
stimulation to sustain your level of arousal between orgasms, and take deep
breaths to help you relax. Switch to vaginal, anal, nipple, and/or mental
stimulation to keep yourself aroused while avoiding your clitoris. Apply tons of
lubricant to your clitoris to act as a barrier, perhaps thick petroleum jelly,
which is okay to use on the vulva but not inside the vagina. If it is too thick
try baby or vegetable oil. Please note that these types of lubricants cannot be
used with condoms, as they cause latex to quickly break down.
Try using a vibrator, as they provide sustained stimulation, which is often
necessary for multiple orgasms. It provides non-frictional stimulation so is
less likely to be too much for your super sensitive clitoris. When your clitoris
becomes highly sensitive move the vibrator away from direct contract with it but
keep the vibrator close enough to stimulate your vulva. Place or press it
against your outer labia or cup your vulva with one hand and place the vibrator
on top of that hand to dampen the vibrations; a small folded towel will work
too.
Some women find vaginal stimulation, especially G-Spot, stimulation results in
multiple orgasms. You might need to explore experiencing orgasms from vaginal
stimulation alone. Use your clitoris to get yourself highly aroused but use
vaginal stimulation for the actual trigger of orgasm. Your clitoris and G-Spot
are supplied by different nerves. When your clitoris becomes too sensitive to touch explore vaginal stimulation.
Many women use water spray to experience orgasm. Place your vulva under the tub faucet and move your
body around to control the amount of stimulation your clitoris receives.
Make sure you stay relaxed, as if your tighten up, because the sensations are
too intense, it actually makes it worse. Deep breathing, panting like they teach
in childbirth class may help.
Question: Hi, I really want to get a vibrator, the only problem is I'm not all that experienced. Could you give me some advice on what to do and which would be the best for a beginner.
Answer: Please
see the article by Betty Dodson linked to below:
http://dodsonandross.com/sexfeature/first-time-orgasm
I would recommend either the battery powered Pocket Rocket or the electric
Hitachi Magic Wand for the first time buyer.
Question: I want
to start off by thanking your site. I have been online trying to get some
information for hours now.
I am of African descent and when I was 12 I was circumcised. There are two types
of [Female Circumcision] FC: Pharoanic and Sunnah.
Apparently, I was luckier than my older sister since I was made to experience
the latter. This is where incisions are made on each side of the hood (then
later they’re stitched up) and a piece of the inner labia is removed; all of
this is done under a local anesthetic. To be quite honest I am not even sure if
all the stitches came out.
I can’t tell you how much that affects me on a regular basis. Not many people
know enough about this problem and aside from just being generally screwed up in
all levels and being physically different from my peers it really scares me not
knowing. I was told in passing that infertility and constant infections are the
general consequences of FC.
I am emailing you for two reasons: one is to ask you if you could put on your
site more information of FC and it consequences. Maybe have some links where
people like me can get help.
The second is to get some advice.
About a couple months ago, I woke up to an extremely swollen clitoris (it was
more uncomfortable than painful) about a week later it was gone. This week it’s
back except its more swollen and hurts more than it was last time and it’s
like a hard bump especially on one side. It hurts especially where those
incisions were made…. What is it? Is this a side effect too?
Answer: Based on
the type of alterations that were done to your vulva I would not expect you to
experience the physical adverse side affects you mention. They are more often
associated with Pharaonic circumcision. If only superficial soft tissue was cut
and/or removed from your vulva then I would not expect this to significantly alter
your reproductive or sexual function. What would adversely affect your sexual
function would be damage to or removal of nerve endings, as when the clitoral
glans is removed, and when scar tissue forms, as when the vulva is sewn closed.
Given the enormous diversity in genital appearances it is unlikely someone would
know you were circumcised unless you told them, or more harm was done than you
are aware of and mention.
I do address FGM a little in the following Q &A:.
qa_index_fgm.htm
The psychological consequences will likely adversely affect your sexuality more
than the physical changes. The social and sexual motives behind these procedures
can do more harm than the physical damage; excluding major medical complications
and painful intercourse. The reason for this is that the brain is the largest
and most complex sexual organ. Being different from your siblings and peers may also
adversely affect your self image and as a result your sexuality.
The problem you report could be the result of improper hygiene, which might
result in infections and clitoral adhesions. Please see the pages linked to
below:
hygiene.htm
adhesio.htm
vaginitis.htm
If the cause is not hygiene, but related to the incisions that were made in your clitoris then you will need to consult a doctor. Scar tissue could be causing a problem with circulation of body fluids in the area. Some of the complications associated with FGM are addressed on the following web site:
General information on FGM can be found on the following web sites:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_circumcision
http://www.4woman.gov/faq/fgc.htm
http://www.fgmnetwork.org/index.php
http://www.path.org/files/RHR-Article-8.pdf
http://www.who.int/reproductive-health/publications/fgm/fgm_programmes_review.pdf
http://pages.unibas.ch/diss/2003/DissB_6516.pdf
http://se-web-01.rb.se/shop/Archive/Documents/3251FGM.pdf
Question: I can't seem to feel much pleasure stimulating my clitoris, and I am wondering if my clitoris is simply not sensitive? As a result I can't seem to enjoy masturbating, and has never had an orgasm. What is wrong with me?
Answer: This subject is addressed in several questions and answers on the web site. Please have a look to the information linked to below:
Follow-Up
Question: I
have written to you before regarding my insensitive clitoris, and I appreciate
the link you gave me. Now, I have another questions, which is somewhat addressed
in your site, but I can't find the actual answers I'm looking for, so I hope you
can help me out, or provide me with another link.
I'm relieved to read from your web site that for some women their urethral
opening is more sensitive than other parts. As I mentioned before, I cannot
masturbate to orgasm, my clitoris is simply not sensitive. I am 30 yrs old,
still a virgin. My ex-boyfriend had fingered me before, it felt really great,
but I didn't climax. I never knew what an orgasm was until a few years ago, when
it suddenly occurred to me that I probably have always experienced orgasm, since
I was young.
I suspect all those experiences I had were really orgasms, but I cannot be
certain, as they are neither clitoral nor G-spot orgasms, more like 'urethral
orgasms', but is there such a thing/term?
My 'orgasms' resulted by clenching my thighs tightly, squeezing my vagina, while
fantasizing. I love the sensations, especially the climax, but would usually end
up with sore legs the next day, which can be difficult to walk.
While I were a young teenager, I didn't have to fantasize much to achieve the
orgasms, but since my late 20s, fantasies are a must, which means it seems to be
getting harder to climax. I have recently tried with my fingers to massage or
rub against the urethral opening, but it doesn't feel as good as clenching my
thighs, therefore no climaxes at all.
My questions are, are those experiences I had really orgasms? Looking at the
method to achieve that, it is really difficult for a boyfriend to do it to me,
I'm afraid my future boyfriend would find me strange when I can't climax through
him stimulating me, or even when we do have intercourse... I'm also tired of
getting sore legs the next day, so I'm trying to find other methods to stimulate
myself, with no results. Apart from these, I feel like I'm one of the extremely
rare persons, who climaxes through this method. It's like, I can't say I
masturbate, yet I experience orgasms?
Should I continue to find other methods of stimulation, or do I go on with my
old method, which is so tiring I'd like to change?
Thanking you in advance for your attention.
Follow-Up Answer:
In regard to your insensitive clitoris have you seen the following page about
clitoral adhesions?
adhesio.htm
Other women/girls masturbate as you do. Muscle tension, specifically in the
thighs, rather than clitoral or vaginal stimulation triggers orgasm. In the
shared masturbation section women relate hanging from things or squeezing their
legs together to reach orgasm. This is a technique usually learned as young a
girl. The link shown below addresses this subject:
A partner cannot provide
this type of stimulation so it may make it difficult to experience orgasm during
partnered sex. It is encouraging that it felt good when your partner fingered
you but since you don't know how to have an orgasm this way on your own a small
barrier may exist to orgasm. Your mind and body may not know how to have an
orgasm through other types of stimulation, and they may actually resist the
process. The problem is that we tend to rely on masturbation methods that are
known to work, even if they have undesired side affects.
I would suggest using water spray, i.e. a shower massager, or a vibrator to help
you learn how to have orgasms through clitoral stimulation. You may also want to
explore internal stimulation with a dildo, as some women require this, and/or
nipple stimulation. Also, be sure to incorporate mental stimulation, fantasy,
into these activities. Read a erotic book or watch an adult movie. You want your
brain focused on sex, not what you are doing to your body, or the things your
body is experiencing. You want your brain in a sexual frame of mind not a
logical one.
Question: How much does a normal girl moan/scream during orgasm? I'm worried that I might be different or abnormal. Also, if you could give me any tips to be secretive that would be very helpful.
Answer: There is
no such thing as normal. Some women make more noise than others. If anything,
most women are impaired by the fact that they have learned to limit their
vocalizations; they learned to masturbate silently so no one would known. If you
are making noises that means you aren't holding your breath. So keep making noise. We make a very wide
range of noises during orgasm, and they are all normal.
I recommend turning on the radio or stereo or jumping in the shower to conceal
some of the noise. Some women bury their head in a pillow, or bite down on a
pillow to decrease the amount of noise they create. If you have neighbors and
make lots of noise, try to make the noises before they go to bed, so you don't
wake them; they will appreciate this.
Question: I am a
27 year old male. My girlfriend is 24 years old. We've been seeing each other
for almost a year and I have never given her an orgasm. She was raised by strict
parents and religion is a big part of her life. According to her, she has never
had an orgasm herself, nor has she tried too. I am the first serious love in her
life, and I know we'll be together for a long time, if not the rest of our
lives. While she is comfortable letting me touch her anywhere, I want more than
anything for her to feel as good as she makes me feel when she touches me. We
have not had intercourse, and she's still a virgin. In fact I can't penetrate
her with anything at all. I've tried with different fingers, and while I know
the hymen can hurt the first time, you'd think I was killing her. She is always
extremely wet when I try, but it is too painful to get something even the size
of my pinky in her. I have read that this may be a problem all in itself.
Let me explain what I've tried, maybe it will give you a better idea of what is
missing from my formula.
We started off slow and easy. Anytime I try anything, I make sure she is almost
begging me and extremely turned on. Most times I won't try anything new unless
she is so wet it's running down her legs. I start by asking her what she likes.
She doesn't know, she doesn't know what feels good. Unless she's turned on and
I'm kissing her mouth, she has a hard time finding any spots she likes. I've
gone over her body parts with her and tried to familiarize her a little bit.
Please don't laugh, but she thought she peed out of her clit. I haven't got a
mirror and showed her her own body, but I didn't think I would have too? Keep in
mind a guy is writing this message. I haven't gone into incredible details with
her parts, but I have touched her there plenty. I have also gone down on her
countless times. I've tried everything under the sun really, at least I think I
have. Ice-cream-like licks, more pressure, less pressure, circles, sucking the
clit (being careful of teeth), touching while licking, letting her touch. I've
even tried in different positions, from behind, while caressing and grabbing all
over. I could go on. If I've missed something, maybe not hitting the clit
perfectly, is all I can think of. Her hood is a little tighter, making it hard
to pull back, but usually the tip of the clit is partially exposed.
Interestingly, she says she likes my fingers more than my tongue. She says my
tongue is too slippery and wet. I've tried a lot with the fingers. Though I've
noticed she likes more pressure with my fingers as time goes on. I tell her
fantasy's of mine while touching her clit with my fingers and kissing her. She
also likes to be touching/stroking my penis while I use my hand on her clit. It
turns her on more, not that I'm complaining. Again, never penetrated her, just
more circles than I can count, and more positions I knew a man and woman could
do while touching her there. I could go into detail on things I've tried exactly
with my fingers but that would honestly take too long. Every once and awhile
she'll say real quick, "That felt really good." But goes as quick as
it came. Can be tougher to keep up because she's a squirmier. I bought a Lelo
vibrator for her and tried it on her a few times. Didn't really do much. I've
tried porn on her, of coarse seeing it for the first time wasn't really a turn
on for her. I've taken a shower with her first, tried romantic nights, flowers
and candles in the bedroom. They seem to add to her arousal and mood, but no
luck as of yet.
You can tell I am a patient man. I don't force anything upon her, and we still
take our time for what is comfortable for us. At least it seems like we do...
And I definitely avoid dwelling on the fact that she hasn't had one yet. Talk
about hard to do, especially trying to get input on her from what worked and
what did she like? I'm still around, so hopefully it isn't just due to my good
looks. :) But I'm starting to hit dead ends here, and running low on the fresh
ideas. I will continue to be patient with her for as long as it takes. Any and
all info would be a great appreciation. I would also prefer to keep this as
confidential as possible. I'm not sure if I'm talking to the right person or
place, but any help would be more than I could thank you for.
Answer: It is
possible that your girlfriend is experiencing vaginismus, which is an
involuntary contraction of her pelvic muscles. Even though she is sexually
aroused her mind is saying no to any type of penetration. A strict religious
upbringing is a common cause. It is also more common in women who have not
explored their vulva and vagina and that do not masturbate. If she is
experiencing vaginismus she needs to seek professional help. This is a problem
she alone must address, as anything you do at this point will only make things worse,
i.e. don't try to insert anything into her vagina. She needs to take
responsibility for her own sexuality and pleasure and resolve the issues that
cause her mind and body the fear penetration. On a conscious level she may says
yes but deep down part of her is saying no. Her prior learning is the cause
rather than there being something wrong or broken with her. Something she
learned or experienced in the past makes her fear penetration or something
associated with it, like pregnancy or loss of virginity etc.
If she has never masturbated to orgasm then is it much less likely that you will
be able to stimulate her to orgasm, as her mind and body do not know how and may
actually work against you. Sex therapist often hold the believe that if a woman
cannot masturbate to orgasm she isn't ready for partnered sex.
Please see the page linked to below to learn about the many causes of painful intercourse and vaginal penetration:
virgin2.htm#pain1
The subject of vaginismus is addressed on the following web sites:
http://www.womentc.com/vaginismus.htm
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001487.htm
http://www.vaginismus.com/
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/vaginismus/
http://www.vaginismus-awareness-network.org/
Follow-up Question 1:
Thank you for the response. I can't tell you how much it means to get some help
on this.
I've been trying to get her to go to the gynecologist for as long as we've been
dating. She's never been her whole life, 24 years. I guess for now I'll give up
poking her till she's had some help. Not that I really ever hurt her, or try
often. I hate seeing her in pain, and it's turned into a nightmare to even try.
As far as some guidance goes. I know your response was a little more generic on
the information. Which means a lot to me. But are you suggesting that I should
stop trying to make her feel good? I would maybe agree if she was 16-20, but
she's almost 25. She won't do anything, like go to the doctor, or masturbate
without a good push in the right direction. Hasn't in 24 years, she won't in 24
more. She seems to like how I make her feel, but are you telling me that I could
be making it worse? Should I do nothing and wait for her to come around? I don't
feel that to be the right coarse of action, and I'm not thinking for myself at
all on this. I've read frequency helps, and she's definitely more comfortable
with things, and gets aroused more easily. Should I drop this and never talk
about her with it, touch her, try things, until she's ready? She's 24...
Sorry don't mean that to come off as arguing or mad, I'm just scared for her and
not sure where to go.
Thank you so much. This is hard.
Follow-up Answer 1:
I would let her know you might know the cause of her pain, vaginismus, and that
she is not alone, and that help is available. You don't want her feeling alone
and isolated, or weird. She did nothing to cause this, but others caused it by
what they taught or exposed her to.
Going to most gynecologists, or therapists, would not be wise, as few know
anything about this condition, and it will make things worse by trying to stick
a specula or their fingers into her, as you already know it wont happen and will
only cause her pain. Her reluctance to go only serves to indicate pain is the
only likely outcome, emotional and physical. Her refusal to go to a gynecologist
is another likely symptom of vaginismus.
Unfortunately, she has some major issues she must address on her own, you can't
do it for her. You can support her and provide her with information but trying
to use force will only cause further emotional strain. At this point it sounds
like you are doing everything, she isn't an equal participant.
I would say physical intimacy is okay but sex is out. I believe, for what it is
worth, that you are simply going to find yourself running repeatedly into a
brick wall. I believe both of you will only experience increased frustration.
Failed attempts are worse than no attempts. Hug and kiss her, take a shower with
her, give each other full body massages, but sex for pleasure should be only in
the form of masturbation for both of you, which she needs to learn how to do.
For her, Betty Dodson's book Sex for One: The Joys of Self Loving might
be a good gift, if she is willing to read it.
I would get a copy of the
book on vaginismus I mentioned prior and give it to her. You might even read it
to her. You might also search for someone in your area who knows how to treat
this condition. The women who wrote the book may have a list of doctors on their
web site. What I have read so far in their book is very interesting. A woman on
my discussion group has vaginismus and may be able to provide some support. You
might do a search of the discussion group and contact her.
Your girlfriend may fear that you will leave her if she doesn't experience
orgasm or can't allow vaginal penetration and the anxiety may make her problems
worse. You need to let her know that you feel you both need to seek outside help
for her, as the answer is beyond what you can do alone. Knowing others share her
experience will hopefully give her the courage to seek help.
Follow-up Question 2:
I actually purchased a vaginismus kit prior to talking to you. I was a little
embarrassed to say, and I didn't realize it was so severe. I feel very hesitant
to show her it or use it on her. I haven't read and watched all of the
instructional things that came with it yet. I will.
I had a question about marriage. If I marry her, will this get better, or will
it get worse? If she's been raised to think sex after marriage is ok, is this
going to help her? I'm not saying I'd marry her to help her, but I am going to
marry her anyway, and would that help? I am ready to accept that we may not be
able to make love on our wedding night, but as you can tell I love her and will
do what's right for her.
I hate to ask this too because it's even weirder and it's not something we do.
Would drugs help this condition at all? If I were to get my hands on strong
relaxant prescription drug like Percocet, for example. And she was willing to
take it. Would that be a temporary solution to the problem, possibly allow me to
stretch her hymen slightly or enough... I'm not saying something to take more
than once either. Just to aid in this, or even on the wedding night for
example... I think you can tell I'm drawing at straws here. But a question I'm
curious about.
For the masturbation. I'm going to pick up a copy of the book you mentioned and
hopefully persuade her to at least look through it. The local Barnes & Noble
has one so I lucked out. The penetration doesn't matter so much as I would like
her to experience an orgasm. But I'm guessing it could be related to the
vaginismus? Either way this is something I think I just need to take time with.
Maybe explaining the vaginismus will get her to try masturbation as well...
Thank You.
Follow-up Answer 2: Others who have gotten married with the hope that the vaginismus would magically disappear were disappointed to learn nothing had changed. I would not expect things to change after marriage.
Masking or forcibly overcoming the problem with numbing agents will not help if the problem is vaginismus, as her body goes into a defensive mode, which is trigger by her mind. As long as her mind finds the idea of penetration threatening it will prevent it.
Follow-up 3:
Just a quick thing though. I don't think she has this vaginismus thing. If I had
to guess I'd say she has a thick hymen or something along those lines. It's
painful as all hell, but this has nothing to do with muscles or involuntary
problems.
I know you said not to try, but it's been awhile since we have, and I did a
little bit, with her permission. I was almost able to get my finger in up to the
first knuckle. Loud signs of pain yes, but after it was stretched it was ok.
Getting it stretched is just so hard. At least she thinks she can get a tampon
in her now, so... I don't think she's got this vaginismus though. Got to be
other conditions associated with thick hymens or painful first times.
As another note, I had her watch porn with me for the second time. She seemed to
like it a little more, and almost got a few moans out of her. She was bucking a
little and I thought we were close. I picked up that Sex for One book and
will hopefully get her to read it.
Thanks again.
Follow-up Answer 3: I was out of the country for a couple weeks and was not able to continue the correspondence with this gentleman.
Being able to insert a finger, especially if it causes pain, doesn't mean a woman doesn't have vaginismus. A single finger is much smaller than an erect penis. If her hymen was the true cause then minor surgery would likely be necessary, but this surgery would not cure vaginismus.
It is necessary for women to take responsibility for their own sexuality and pleasure. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink. Going through the motions of sex with a woman who is unable to be sexual will only result in frustration for both.
Related information is presented in the article titled Locating Your Vagina in the anatomy section of the web site.
Question: When I masturbate, the only way I can come is by getting on top of a pillow and humping it. I tried other ways for years but with no success. I even bought a small vibrator and still no help. I've been humping pillows since before I was 3 years old so it's basically all I know. Even when I have sex I have be on top and rub my clit against my boyfriend in a the same way in order to orgasm, not in any other position. I think my clit is just used to getting it that way and likes it no other way. Am I set in my ways....? I tried many different techniques with no success... Do you think that I can only orgasm this way because of the fact that I've been experiencing orgasm this one particular position since I was a very young child?
Answer: Many
women share your experience and history with this method of masturbation and its
affects on partnered sex. I believe not learning as a young age that you could
roll over and use your fingers is a possible hindrance when it comes to
partnered sex, but I also believe experiencing orgasm through this means is far
better than not experiencing orgasm at all. Some women can only experience
orgasm when they use a vibrator or their own fingers, so while the means of
experiencing orgasm may vary the possible limitations don't.
An orgasm is an orgasm so don't hold the false believe that experiencing orgasm
through other means will result in better or more satisfying orgasms. It is
great that you acknowledge you can only experience orgasm by rubbing against
your partner, which is better than faking orgasm, as many women do. Even if you
could masturbate to orgasm using another technique the need for direct clitoral
stimulation will not change, be it your fingers, his fingers, or his body.
Something that caught my eye in your letter is that you mention trying a
"small" vibrator. What is the significance of its size? Did you
intentionally choose a small one and if so why? You want to use it on your
clitoris not inside your vagina so size becomes irrelevant. If anything bigger
is better for external stimulation, as the vibrations are spread over a larger
area.
All vibrators are not created equal. Some simply don't provide enough
stimulation. I would recommend either the battery powered Pocket Rocket or the
electric Hitachi Magic Wand, as they are powerful.
If you have not located your clitoris please do so and make sure you don't have
clitoral adhesions. You may require direct stimulation of your clitoral glans if
you are to experience orgasm, alone and with a partner.
Here is info on adhesions:
adhesio.htm
The advice for pre-orgasmic women may also be of help, as the same factors
apply when learning new techniques:
tips.htm
You might also try water spray from your tub faucet or a hand held shower
head.
Do not overlook the importance and necessity of mental stimulation during
solo and partnered sexual activities.
You are not broken, so don't try to fix anything. Explore pleasure without
focusing on orgasm. Relax and do things that feel good, then and only then is
orgasm a possibility.
Question: Is dried sperm able to make a woman pregnant? For example, if a man touches it and then after it dries he puts his fingers inside my vagina.
Answer: No, sperm is relatively fragile so once it dries out or no longer at body temperature it quickly degenerates. Sperm must be kept in a suitable environment if they are to live. This means they die quickly when not in a warm moist environment like the testicles, prostate, vulva, vagina, or uterus, but sperm can live for a short period of time on other areas of the body. Fresh semen containing sperm can be transported from the penis to the vulva and vagina with a person's fingers, and sperm can live long enough on the surface of the skin to travel from a woman's inner thighs and vulva into her vagina and uterus, leading to conception.
Question:
Hi. Ever since I was about 11 (I'm 17 now) I would masturbate by laying on my
stomach with my pants on and grinding against my hands. I would never reach
orgasm (well, maybe a few times) and it would only last about 2 minutes, but it
did feel really good, and I would do it about 3-5 times a night.
This is where I get confused. See, I get aroused easily. I just have to think
about something and I get wet.
About three months ago I got my first boyfriend. I love him so much it isn't
funny. He has gone down on me before, but the problem is, I don't feel anything!
Some times I feel something, but I act like it feels good cause I don't want to
make him feel bad. I know he is doing it right, but it doesn't feel as good as I
can do.
Also, my nipples are really sensitive. But when he bites or sucks on it, I feel
more then I do on my clit, but still, nothing!
I don't understand this. I KNOW I can feel sexual stuff, and I know he is doing
it right. But for some reason, even when he is licking my clit, I hardly feel
anything. When he would rub my clit with my pants on, I could feel more
pleasure. In fact, I like it more with his fingers then his tongue. I just don't
understand this. Even with his fingers I still felt hardly anything. Maybe my
clit isn't normal and he isn't actually licking/rubbing it?
Could it be because I'm still a virgin, or what? I haven't masturbated since
I've been dating him.
Answer: There
are a number or possibilities. A lot of it may have to do with your
inexperience, with direct clitoral stimulation, masturbation, and partnered sex.
Please read through the information provided for pre-orgasmic women linked to
below, as it provides insight into what it takes for a woman to experience
orgasm.
tips.htm
It sounds like you need to learn how to masturbate to orgasm using a technique
different from what you have used in the past.
First, you and your boyfriend need to make sure you know where your clitoris
is, as many people don't know how to find a woman's clitoris. If you aren't
actually stimulating your clitoris then "clitoral" stimulation will
not feel pleasurable. Locating your clitoris is addressed in the following
Q&A:
qa_1/qa1_4.htm
Then read through all the shared masturbation techniques to see if you can find
one that works for you:
masturb.htm
My recommendation is to try masturbating with water spray in the tub or shower, or a muscle
massager that you can buy at your local department store.
Don't be overly concerned about not feeling pleasurable stimulation when your
vulva is stimulated, as thinking about it can be a barrier to pleasure, and decrease your
level of arousal, which decreases your sensitivity to stimulation. You can read
about other women who don't experience pleasure when their vulva or clitoris are
stimulated in the Q&A section of the web site.
Some women don't have a clitoris that is sensitive to sexual stimulation and
others require direct stimulation of their clitoris glans. Your clitoral glans may be hidden
under a concealing hood that prevents the direct stimulation you require. I know
one woman who did not enjoy oral stimulation of her vulva until she and her
partnered discovered her small clitoral glans was hidden and they had to retract
the hood to expose it to direct stimulation.
Keep in mind some women have a
clitoris that is too sensitive for direct stimulation and are only able to stimulate it indirectly through the hood.
Having vaginal intercourse wont increase the chances of orgasm or increased clitoral
stimulation. I would recommend waiting on exploring intercourse until you can
experience orgasm through other means with your partner.
If you want to explore vaginal stimulation you should do so alone, without any distractions. Some women who do not enjoy clitoral stimulation enjoy internal vaginal stimulation with fingers or a dildo.
I am not surprised by the fact that you prefer for him to stimulate your vulva
over your cloths. When he touches the fabric of your underwear he causes it to
slide across your tissues resulting in frictional stimulation. Since your
underwear is likely made of a very soft fabric there is likely very little
friction resulting in very gentle stimulation of your vulvar tissues. Erotic touch usual
requires very light touch, compared to the non-sexual stimulation your vulva is
exposed to during daily activities. When he touches your vulva directly, and
there is a lack of lubrication, then there may be too much friction, or no
friction and only pressure because his fingers are not able to slide
effortlessly across the surface of your skin. Men also tend to use too much pressure
and force when stimulating a woman's vulva.
I would recommend leaving your underwear on and having him caress your vulva
through them, even licking your vulva through them. Experiment with underwear
made from different fabrics to change the amount friction that occurs. While you
should normally wear underwear made of 100% cotton for health reasons you can
change into other types of fabrics during your sexual activities.
When you
remove your underwear prior to sexual stimulation apply tons of lubricant to
your vulva to reduce the amount of friction and stimulation. You will want
things to slip and slide. You can use baby oil, massage oil, vegetable oil, or
the like as a lubricant on your vulva, but "oils" will cause condoms
to rapidly break down; if you plan on having intercourse afterwards. If you are
going to use condoms then use an appropriate lubricant, such as those that are
water or silicone based.
You should continue to masturbate even when you are dating, as you need to maintain an erotic connection with yourself. You should also be masturbating with your
partner present so he can learn how you like to be stimulated, what works best
for you. He needs to know what works for you now so he has some understanding of
why other things do not work.
Many women who learned to masturbate as you did/do, by lying on their stomach,
sometimes find it challenging to experience orgasm during sex with a partner.
Time to roll over and use your fingers, water spray, or a muscle massager.
I would recommend reading the pages about Virginity linked to below, as the
subject of sexual development is addressed there.
virgin1.htm
If you are concerned about your scent and taste during oral sex it may be difficult
for you to relax and enjoy the stimulation and experience orgasm. You might explore your scent and taste to reassure yourself that they are pleasant and enjoyable to your partner. The subject of scent is addressed on the page about hygiene linked to below: