Anorgasmia: A Struggle for Control, A Potential Reason Why Women Cannot Experience Orgasm

The Hypothesis:

The information presented below forms the basis for a hypothesis. A hypothesis is an educated guess that is based on observation. In science one performs experiments and/or studies to generate data that when scientifically analyzed will prove or disprove the hypothesis. Unfortunately, I don't have the means for performing experiments and studies that will prove this hypothesis. The reader should take this into account when considering the advice and suggestions presented. Even if the hypothesis isn't valid I believe the reader will find the information presented of interest and value.

My hypothesis: Women who have developed an inordinate degree of control over micturition experience an increased incidence of anorgasmia. In medicine micturition describes the act of urination and anorgasmia describes the absence of orgasm. In layman's terms my hypothesis is: Women who have developed an excessive amount of control over their urinary activities are more likely to be unable to experience orgasm than those who have not.

The brain of the affected women believes the moment prior to orgasm is an inappropriate time to surrender control over their pelvic muscles, which is an action that in the past has always been associated with urination. On a conscious level the women aren't actively preventing urination or orgasm, but on a subconscious level their mind prevents anything and everything from happening, because the timing and situation are deemed inappropriate. This ultimately prevents the involuntary muscle contractions associated with orgasm.

The barrier to orgasm could be the result of a battle between a woman's learned desire for strict control over her bladder and urination and her body's desire for orgasm. Her mind and body are battling for control over which may occur, the end result being that neither can. If this hypothesis were proven true it may explain the “wall” many preorgasmic women experience when they are attempting to experience orgasm for the first time.

Observations that May Support the Hypothesis

Learned Urinary Control:

At birth and during infancy urination is an automatic reflex that occurs when the bladder becomes full. There is no conscious thought involved in the process. During this time period urination occurs automatically and we are not fearful of being punished, ridiculed, or ostracized for urinating at “inappropriate” times. This certainly isn't true for teenage girls and adult women who are exploring their sexuality and learning how to experience orgasm. By the time they deliberately make an attempt at experiencing orgasm they have learned it is appropriate to urinate in a very limited number of situations and settings. They have been raised to believe it isn't appropriate to urinate while masturbating and during partnered sex. More importantly, they believe to do so would result in their rejection, as a result of being viewed as immature and perhaps unclean by their peers and partner.

As adults, urination is most often under our voluntary control but past experiences and learning may result in “highly conditional voluntary control.” A common example of this are individuals who cannot urinate when others are watching or present in the room, they experience “pee shyness.” Their control over urination isn't truly voluntary, because the condition of no witnesses must first be met. For some, several conditions must be met prior to successful urination. Most women probably are not consciously aware of the restrictions placed on their daily urinary activities, and the impact this may have on their sexuality.

An Unspoken Connection:

In a survey [active survey] on this website having a small number of female participants, 67 at the time of this writing, seventy-three percent said vaginal stimulation results in an urge or desire to urinate, at varying degrees of frequency and intensity during their sexual activities. Thirty-three percent of them, or 1 out of 3, said this sensation adversely affects their sexual experiences to some degree. In addition to these survey results, over the past ten years I have received several emails from teenage girls and adult women wanting to know why sexual stimulation results in a sensation they associate with the need to urinate, as they believe this experience is abnormal. This suggests that on a sensory and perceptive level there is a connection between sexual stimulation and urination in women.

Negative believes about urination would then adversely influence a woman's sexual experiences. For women who have learned urination is something to be kept hidden from others, and/or is an experience that should be totally isolated from their sexual experiences, this could present a major obstacle to sexual pleasure and orgasm. If your body is telling you to surrender control over your pelvic organs and you are fearful of urinating, are you likely to do so, and permit orgasm to occur? What if your mind and body cannot make a distinction between the sensations associated with orgasm and urination, as a result of never having experienced orgasm? If you only “know” what it feels like to urinate, and these same sensations occur during your sexual experiences, what impact will this have on your sexual experiences? What if the act of surrendering control over your pelvic organs has always been associated with urination?

Social Morality and Body Fluids:

In a second survey with over four thousand participants, approximately nine percent of the women said they have engaged in a sexual activity with a male partner during which urine played some role. This means that while women frequently experience the sensation of needing to urinate during their sexual experiences, urination actually occurs infrequently. Even then, it likely occurs only with their partner's prior consent, and on a purely voluntary basis, though I am sure “accidents” do occur. In comparison, approximately thirty-four percent of the women reported menstrual blood was present during some of their sexual activities with men. While menstruation and menses represent a significant social taboo, even more so than urine, it is a female body fluid that is nearly four times more likely to be present during a couple's sexual experiences. The likely reason being, women are expected to maintain voluntary control over urination but are known not to have voluntary control over menstruation. She simply can't help herself if menstrual fluid is present, the same isn't true of urine. Another factor associated with urination would be the volume of liquid released by her body, and the perceived messiness that results, because couples generally sleep where they have sex.

In a third survey, forty-seven percent of the female participants said they have experienced female ejaculation while masturbating, thirty-six percent who have not would like too, and ten percent said they do not want to experience female ejaculation. While we don't know the actual reasons why these women do not want to experience female ejaculation, I believe it has to do with the resulting wetness and the believe that this wetness is caused by the release of urine from the bladder. Despite the pleasures reported to accompany female ejaculation, 1 out of 10 women see a negative or undesired consequence to this experience. What is the significance of women not wanting to have a pleasurable sexual experience because it involves the release of liquid from their body, and is this believe beneficial to their sexuality?

Impact of Incontinence on Female Sexuality:

Medical studies indicate the experience of incontinence has an adverse effect on female sexuality:

"Sexual dysfunction is a common condition in women complaining of pelvic floor disorders and in particular of urinary incontinence. In 1979, Sutherst and Brown reported that 43% of women affected by urinary incontinence referred that their urinary problems had adversely affected their sexual life. A high correlation between urinary incontinence and sexual disorders was then confirmed in the following years: in 1999, Laumann et al. demonstrated that female sexual dysfunction is more prevalent in women reporting urinary problems...However, despite the large number of questionnaires used to evaluate the effect of urinary incontinence on the quality of female sexual life, the finding of a dramatic impact caused by this disturbance, which can even lead to the complete abandon of sexual activity in a good proportion of cases, is consistent. In a recent study [2004], Salonia et al. reported that 46% of 216 women with lower urinary tract symptoms had concomitant sexual dysfunction, showing a significant relationship between urodynamic stress incontinence (USI) and loss of libido, urinary urge incontinence (UUI) and anorgasmia, and recurrent urinary tract infections and dyspareunia. In 2007, some of these results were confirmed by Coyne et al. in two reports showing that the overactive bladder (OAB), with or without UUI, affects women's sexual health, reducing sexual desire and ability to achieve orgasm." Source

If the experience of releasing urine during a woman's sexual experiences can result in anorgasmia, can fear of releasing urine during sex have the same result? I would tend to believe this is certainly a possibility. If nothing else, this information confirms the notion that releasing urine during sex has real and/or perceived negative consequences for women. A shared experience related below also confirms this believe.

Environmental Factors:

It is reported that two percent of adult men have not experienced ejaculation and ten percent of adult women have not experienced orgasm [1]. Women are five times more likely to be unable to experience orgasm than men. If men and women have similar sexual and reproductive organs, as a result of a single divergent path of development, shouldn't they be equally orgasmic? Is there reason to believe newborn boys and girls have different orgasmic potentials? I don't believe they do, I believe some women "learn" to be preorgasmic, as a result of what they learn and experience as a child and adolescent. Girls and women are exposed to much more restrictive expectations and social mores than are men, especially where it concerns their body and sexuality. The cause of their impaired sexual response is more likely environmental in nature, i.e. learned through experience. The women aren't to blame, but rather their environment. This statement is not meant to suggest there aren't physical or biological causes for some cases of anorgasmia. At this time we simply know so little about female sexuality we are unable to diagnosis many of those biological causes.

Supporting information can be read by clicking here.

Social Expectations and the Restrictions They Place on Female Sexualitys:

When we envision female sexual anatomy and function we frequently limit our considerations to the current socially acceptable erogenous zones and sexual practices. In relatively recent American and Western European history (circa 1899-1957, Freud to Masters and Johnson), the vagina was considered the primary female erogenous zone, and penile/vaginal intercourse the the only acceptable sexual activity for couples to participate in. Today, the clitoris is commonly considered the primary erogenous zone, with some fighting for a balance between these two believes. Others want to recognize an infinite number of potential erogenous zones, as there are women who are orgasmic only when something other than their clitoris and vagina are stimulated. By focusing on the vagina and clitoris we reduce a woman's sexual anatomy to these two organs, ignoring the fact these organs are only a small part of a woman's far reaching and complex bodily systems. Social expectation and morality can and does therefore alter and restrict female sexuality.

The Importance of Peer Approval:

Please allow me to relate a personal experience while first providing some necessary background information. When scuba diving your body is immersed in water that is colder than body temperature, which results in increased urinary output. Once your bladder fills you have three choices, end your dive prematurely so you can use a bathroom, delay urination until after the dive despite any discomfort or pain you may experience, or urinate in your wetsuit. Most divers simply urinate in their wetsuit, allowing the urine to be diluted and washed away by the surrounding water. Others elect to experience discomfort and pain, and I believe they are more often women than men. The reason being, they have been raised to believe it is inappropriate behavior for women, even if it is acceptable for men, or is simply unsanitary. What is the significance of women preferring to experience pain rather than “wet themselves,” and what affect will this belief have on their sexual activities, especially if those activities result in a desire or need to urinate?

A female friend described experiencing considerable discomfort as a result of delaying urination until after her dives in cold water. One day she asked a group of us, all men, how we were able to urinate in our wetsuits, as she wasn't able to do so. We simply explained we just let it happen, there wasn't a specific technique associated with the activity. Soon after this conversation she reported she had successfully urinated during the course of her dive, much to her relieve.

While this may sound like a strange and unusual conversation and experience, I believe it demonstrates a very important point. I believe the cause of her success wasn't our explanation of how to do it, as there is no real “technique,” but rather the experience of having several men tell her it was appropriate for her to do so. Perhaps it was simply our attitude, of it being no big deal, and not a cause for shame and embarrassment. Knowing that we were comfortable with the idea of her doing it, and that we wouldn't reject her for doing it, allowed her to forgo the experience of intense pain during her dives. This experience potentially demonstrates that some women may benefit simply from having permission to urinate during sex, regardless of whether they actually do.

In a related experience, a second woman jokingly said she hoped she wouldn't continue to urinate as soon as she felt the urge, as she had been doing during the course of a week of scuba diving. This would obviously create an embarrassing situation at work if she did. The comment was likely an expression of her real anxiety, as she was possibly fearful of the lasting consequences of such urinary freedom. This demonstrates that women are possibly fearful of urinating at inappropriate times if they voluntarily urinate during their daily activities. Since I have never heard of this woman's fears becoming a reality for anyone, I believe women can voluntarily surrender control over urination in one context while remaining in full control in other contexts, as is actually true of their current urinary habits.

The Connection Between Urination and Pleasure:

A small number of women have mentioned in their shared masturbation histories that urination was a pleasurable activity for them as a girl, and/or that urination played a role in their childhood masturbation activities. Prior to knowing about sex and their clitoris some girls found pleasure in urinating. They didn't know why, they only knew the experience felt pleasurable, was enjoyable. As a result, they developed a habit of delaying urination until their bladder was overly full, urinating in a position that was pleasurable, or found pleasure in urinating on stuffed animals, cloths, and other absorbent materials. While the warmth of the urine and the stimulation caused by the wet material may have provided pleasurable sensations, it is also possible that the flow of urine out of their body was pleasurable in of itself. In addition, some girls and women have mistaken their urethral meatus, the area surrounding their urethral opening, for their clitoris, because it can be very sensitive to stimulation. These experiences demonstrate a potential link between pleasure and urination, and sex and urination. It is only through learned social morality that these girls and women later learned these early experiences and practices had a sexual connection, and were considered inappropriate and best kept hidden from others, if not ended altogether.

Female Pelvic Anatomy: Everything Is Connected [5, 6]:

The clitoris and vagina are not discrete and isolated organs, as they are located immediately adjacent to one another inside the body. The clitoris and outer third of the vagina even share a common nerve, the pudendal nerve. This relationship is often overlooked, as many envision the clitoris as a small external and superficial organ located an inch (2.5 cm) away from the vagina. In reality the clitoris is a much larger organ, one that is largely hidden from view within the body, and surrounds the vaginal passage on three sides.

The female urethra is intimately related to both the vagina and clitoris, as the urethra lies within the same anatomical structure as the vagina. When women urinate the urine travels through their urethra, which is located within the wall of their vagina. One anatomy book even has illustrations that demonstrate how the urethra can project into the vaginal canal, and a photograph on this website clearly shows the swollen glands of the female prostate gland projecting into the vaginal canal. The end result being that women urinate through their vagina, just as men urinate through their penis. This statement is not meant to suggest that urine actually passes through the vaginal canal and orifice, as is the case with menstrual blood; though this does occur when there is a vaginal fistula.

A third organ, the female prostate gland is intimately related to the vagina, clitoris, and urethra. The prostate gland encircles the urethra, and both are embedded within the vaginal wall. As a result, the internal structures of the clitoris surround the urethra, prostate, and vagina on three sides, meaning they are all intimately related and connected. The following images and illustrations help demonstrate this relationship.

In the MRI image and illustration shown above we can see how the urethra and vagina are surrounded on three sides by the legs and bulbs of the clitoris. When a woman urinates, urine flows alongside the internal structures of her clitoris, for at least part of its journey out of her body. In men, these same erectile structures also surround the urethra on only three sides. The male urethra is fully enclosed in an altogether different type of erectile tissue, corpus spongiosum, which corresponds to the inner labia in women.

In the illustration shown above we can see how the urethra (U) is enclosed within the prostate gland, represented by the sold black dots, and both are attached to the wall of the vagina (V) by the urethra-vaginal septum (UVS). At this point, the urethra, prostate gland, and vagina are part of a single structure, are fused together, rather than being three discrete organs, as we commonly envision.

The Physical Connection Between Urination and Sex:

The illustrations shown above clearly demonstrate how intimately related a woman's urethra is to her sexual organs. It shouldn't be surprising then that many women experience sensations associated with urination during their sexual experiences. In reality, women cannot engage in sexual activities without some form of direct or indirect stimulation of their prostate gland and urethra. At a minimum, as their erectile structures and vagina become engorged with blood they place a small amount pressure on the urethra and prostate gland. During manual stimulation of the vulva and vagina, and during penile/vaginal intercourse, it is almost impossible not to directly stimulation the urethra. The close proximity and intimate relationship between a woman's urinary and sexual organs makes these experiences unavoidable.

If women weren't resistant to the idea, isn't it possible that urination would be a normal part of the female sexual experience? I am not saying that it is or should be, only that there is the potential. Should we be surprised if a woman urinated during her sexual experiences, as a result of the stimulation of her urethra, based on her physical anatomy and sensory perceptions?

The Female Urethra:

The female urethra is likely more complex than you envision, and is perhaps more complex than the male urethra, because of the adjacent vaginal passage. The following two illustrations help demonstrate this complexity.



We have voluntary control over "striated" muscles but do not have conscious or voluntary control over "smooth" muscles. This means a woman can voluntarily contract the outer layer of muscle that encircles her urethra, but not the inner two layers. The female prostate gland is also comprised of smooth muscle fibers, and the significance of this is addressed below.

In the illustration shown above we can see how the female urethra is encircled in muscular tissue. The highlighted muscles are said to be under a woman's voluntary control when she stops the flow of urine from her body, and performs Kegel contractions. These muscles are normally under a slight amount of tension, keeping the urethral sphincters closed, which allows for the storage of urine inside the bladder until it is full and we voluntary urinate, or the pressure within the bladder becomes too great for the muscles to contain.

Note: At this time, the function and normal state of these muscles is not agreed upon within the medical community.

Small Yet Significant:

To help keep things in perspective, the female urethra, surrounding prostate gland, and muscles are slightly larger than a woman's thumb. The adult urethra is one and a half to two inches (3-5 cm) in length, and a quarter of an inch (6 mm) in diameter. The average female prostate is 1.3 inches long, 0.75 inches wide, 0.4 inches in height (3.3 x 1.9 x 1 cm). The distance between the vagina and pubic bone is only slightly more than three-quarters of an inch (0.8 inches or 2 cm). This means all the anatomy shown above is contained within a relatively small space, though these illustrations may give the impression the organs and spaces are much larger.

The Pelvic Muscles:

Another significant part of a woman's sexual anatomy is her pelvic muscles, the muscles that hold her internal organs in place, and they also influence the intensity of her orgasms. Voluntary or involuntary contraction of these muscles during sexual arousal, and at the point of orgasm, will prevent orgasm from occurring. You can learn more about these muscles by clicking here.

The Experience of Urination and Ejaculation:

The connection between urination, orgasm, and ejaculation is likely more obvious to men than women, as men commonly hold their penis in their hand while urinating and masturbating to orgasm. The resulting urine and ejaculate flow through their penis while it is being held in a man's hand, and as a result men are likely able to realize a connection between urination and ejaculation. Even if men are not aware of this connection on a conscious level they probably aren't surprised when confronted with it.

Women on the other hand don't have a penis they can hold during urination and masturbation, are frequently envisioned as not possessing external genitals and the means of ejaculating, and likely see urination as a distinct bodily function that is or should be far removed from their sexual function. Women probably aren't aware of this potential connection within their body, and as a result of social morality, even less likely to be accepting of it. Is it possible for women to acknowledge the fact that they too urinate and ejaculate through their sexual organs, their vagina?

Similarities in Male and Female Anatomy Demonstrated:

If we were to compare photographs showing the external genitals of a typical man and woman we would likely come to the immediate conclusion that there was very little in common. On the other hand if we compare photographs showing a man and woman exhibiting genitals with atypical levels of development we may come to a totally different conclusion. Let me demonstrate. In the left-hand photograph shown below we see a vulva having a highly developed clitoris that looks very similar to a small penis. We can even see the point at which urine would have flowed out of the clitoral glans had the inner labia fused together to form a urethral canal, had her genetic coding signaled male rather than female, or a variant of intersexuality. In the right-hand image we see an example of hypospadias, with the arrow pointing to the location of urethral opening. This is a condition in some boys and men where the urethra does not extend all the way to the glans of the penis. While the anatomy shown in the first photograph is that of a female and the second of a male, there is a significant amount of similarity between their appearance. In both examples urine exits the body about 1 inch (2.5 cm) away from the clitoral/penile glans. Despite their distinctive appearances I feel comfortable assuming these individuals possess the ability to reproduce in the manner of their respective genders, meaning their body is fully functional despite their somewhat unique appearances.

Female                           Male

A Penis is Not Required of Ejaculation:

In men the mechanisms that result in the forceful expulsion of ejaculate from their body aren't fully understood or agreed upon, but those mechanisms are nevertheless located inside his body, rather than being located within the external and visible portion of his penis. [2] The penis merely provides a means of depositing sperm deep within the vagina. It aids in conception rather than being actively involved in the process of ejaculation, i.e. propelling sperm out of the body. This means the individual with hypospadias shown above has the means of ejaculating even though their urethra doesn't extend to the tip of their penis, and their penis is not fully developed. If the individual shown on the right can ejaculate shouldn't it be possible for the one on the left to ejaculate as well? If men can ejaculate shouldn't women also be able to ejaculate?

The Significance of the Female Prostate Gland:

Note: The article about Female Ejaculation also contains relevant information on this subject.

Even though the male and female “internal reproductive organs” share a common initial path of development, at the completion of that development there is almost no commonality in appearance and function. Most of the structures that are responsible for the collection and ejaculation of sperm in the male do not develop in the female, with one notable exception, the female prostate gland.

Relevant Quotes:

“Nevertheless, despite the smaller space available for the female prostate, it possesses all the structural components characteristic of the male prostate (Zaviacic, 1987, 1999).”[3]

“The female prostate possesses histologically the same structures as the prostate of the male, i.e. glands, ducts, and smooth musculature. The ducts are more numerous than the glands and they exceed in number also the ducts of the male prostate. The smooth musculature (musculofibrous tissue) are also more abundant in the female compared to the male prostate (Zaviacic, 1987, 1999; Zaviacic et al. 2000).”[3]

“The contraction of this smooth muscle are stimulated by activation of the sympathetic division of the autonomic nervous system via the hypogastric nerve. Also, electrical stimulation of the hypogastric nerves produced contraction of the bladder neck, prostate, seminal vesicles, and ejaculatory ducts, thereby simulating natural emission. [2]

“The urethral sphincter complex was innervated by…nerve fibers arising from the vaginal nervous plexus and pudendal nerve.” [4]

“The urethral sphincter complex has dual innervation, which pierces into the urethral sphincter complex at different locations.” [4]

“The location of a dense network of autonomic nerves at the level of the vagina supplied by the inferior hypogastric plexus…traveled either along the pathways described above towards the clitoris or towards the proximal a [sic] mid urethral sphincter.” [4]

“The ejaculation mechanism, the biological phenomenon of urethral expulsion in the female, which contrary to the male is not directly involved in reproduction yet remains an attractive phenomenon of female sexuality, is a further mode of evacuation of the prostate in the female.” [3]

The preceding quotes basically state women have a fully functional prostate gland, and the means of expelling or ejaculating the contents of their prostate gland during orgasm. The female prostate produces the same fluids as the male prostate; prostate-specific antigen (PSA), prostate-specific acid phosphatase (PSAP or PAP), and fructose, a sugar. The male and female prostate glands are connected to the hypogastric nerve, which in the male is responsible for the contraction of the involuntary muscles of the prostate, and in part, the ejaculation of sperm during orgasm. This hypogastric nerve is also activated during orgasm in women.

Even though women do not have testicles that produce sperm, their prostate gland contracts involuntarily during orgasm, releasing or expelling its contents through the urethra. While we may not agree on the volume of fluid produced by the female prostate during orgasm, it nevertheless produces at least a trace amount. If there is only a tiny amount of female ejaculate released it may simply mix with the vaginal lubrication present and go totally unnoticed by the woman and her partner. The resulting “wet spot” on their bedding would have trace amounts of prostatic fluids present, even if they weren't aware of her ejaculation.

What if women suppress ejaculation when their body attempts too, wouldn't this impair their ability to experience orgasm? If a woman misinterprets the sensations associated with ejaculation with those associated with urination isn't she more likely to suppress orgasm? What if these unknown sensations simply frighten her, being unlike anything she has experienced before?

Does Urine Pose a Health Hazard?:

While we are raised to believe urine is "dirty," and potentially harmful to ourselves and others, this isn't necessarily or generally true. If we are healthy then our body isn't producing hazardous body fluids, and our urine doesn't pose a health risk. As unappealing as it may sound, it is actually safe to drink our own urine, if we should happen to be motivated to do so. For couples who are already fluid bonded, urine likely poses no greater risk of spreading disease than does vaginal lubrication, or male and female ejaculate. Depending on your believes concerning female ejaculation, it is even possible that many women already expose themselves and their partner to liquid from their bladder, and in this context the liquid is sometimes cultivated and worshipped. This means the exercises and practices mentioned below are not potentially harmful to your health, if we are known to be healthy.

Please see the following references for additional information on this subject.

True or False: It's Safe to Drink Your Urine

Urophagia: Health issues

Go Ask Alice!

Modesty: A Barrier to Self Acceptance and Pleasure:

The reason why we close and often times lock bathroom doors, and have private stales with latching doors in public bathrooms, is so others aren't exposed to our nudity, we do it for reasons of modesty, not to limit health risks. This is particularly true for girls and women, as men generally have urinals that don't provide much in the way of privacy, and frequently have communal showers that provide absolutely no privacy. Men are literally much more likely to let it all hang out than are women.

Women are frequently raised to be so ashamed of their body they are compelled to hide it from themselves, not just others. Many older teens and adult women have written to me and disclosed they have no idea what they look like "down there," nor do they know how they should look. This obviously results in some body image issues, and barriers to intimacy and sexual pleasure. These issues must be addressed and resolved if women are to feel good about their body and enjoy sex to its fullest potential. If my hypothesis were proven true then some preorgasmic women must resolve these issues before they can experience orgasm.

For Which Preorgasmic Women Does this Hypothesis Potentially Apply?:

How does a woman know if her inability to experience orgasm is related to learned control over her urinary organs, and/or the sensations associated with urination? The less appealing the idea of urinating during masturbation and partnered sex is to a woman the greater the likelihood this believe could adversely affect her ability to experience orgasm. The women who are least likely to be preorgasmic for this reason are the minority of women who have demonstrated the ability to voluntarily urinate during partnered sex, when there were no associated negative consequences. If you can urinate in any situation, having demonstrated that you can versus simply believing you can, and have voluntarily urinated on your partner during some activity, you are very unlikely to be preorgasmic for the reasons described above.

Based on the survey results mentioned above, upwards of 90 percent of women are not as comfortable with urine and urination as they could be, which may adversely influence their sexuality to some degree. While they are not all preorgasmic, they may feel a need to control their urinary activities to a degree that is not truly necessary or beneficial. I am not saying you have to urinate on your partner in order to experience orgasm, or find sex enjoyable, only that you shouldn't be fearful of actually doing so, because the fear isn't justified, at least from a purely logical perspective. Admittedly, in reality there is a lot of potential fear and anxiety associated with the idea of urinating during our sexual experiences, which could be difficult to overcome.

The Desired Outcomes for the Following Exercises are Increased Comfort with Urination
Without a Loss of Control, and the Experience of Sexual Arousal During Urination.

Choose an Achievable Objective:

Achieving the objectives described above could be a challenging proposition, as a result of years of prior conditioning by family, friends, and society. Overcoming negative believes can take a considerable investment of time. After reading through the following advise and exercises choose an achievable objective, and then progress at your own pace. If you choose an objective that is too ambitious you are less likely to succeed, because you may see yourself as progressing too slowly, or not at all. As is frequently stated in these situations, take baby steps. When you have achieved your objective choose a new one that will bring you closer to achieving your final objective.

Solitary Exercise 1: Increasing Comfort with Urination:

Many women, even those who are not preorgasmic, would benefit from developing a more neutral attitude towards urination. Women don't need to feel comfortable with the idea of sharing this activity with strangers, or find the activity pleasurable, but they shouldn't be motivated to hide their urinary activities from themselves or their partner. Urination should be viewed as a normal bodily function, as it is an activity that everyone participates in.

The more uncomfortable you are with the “idea” of performing these exercises the greater the likelihood they would be of benefit to you, especially if my hypothesis is true. The activities I describe aren't harmful, and any emotional discomfort or anxiety you may experience is the result of prior learning, which is based on social mores rather than fact. If negative feelings develop they must be addressed and overcome prior to progressing further. Since the potential causes of anxiety are so numerous they cannot be adequately addressed within the context of this article. I can only advice women to choose a task that results in little or no anxiety, hence the need for taking baby steps. The intent being to progress from what you are comfortable doing to what would benefit you sexually.

The first exercise involves nothing more than the act of urination, something you have done thousands of times before. With your bladder comfortably full, while sitting on a toilet, standing in a shower, or sitting in a tub, relax, take a deep breath, exhale slowly, and urinate. It sounds easy enough, which can be very misleading, as anxiety is a possibility if you move outside your normal repertoire and comfort zone. What you are presently comfortable doing will determine your starting point.

This exercise would be beneficial to perform each morning upon waking, as your bladder is likely full. The other option would be to drink a couple glasses of water with dinner, then when your bladder is full, proceed with the exercise. Initially you may want to perform these exercises while sitting on the toilet while fully clothed, progressing to standing naked in the shower, and then finally sitting naked in the tub. Ideally, you would perform these exercises every time you urinate, if at all possible. You don't want to feel rushed, so choose an appropriate time of day that will allow for this. In the beginning, these exercises will require only a minute of your time, and as you slowly progress towards the first objective it shouldn't take more than 5 minutes.

During the majority of your urination sessions at home and work you should enter the bathroom or bathroom stale, take a deep breath, exhale slowly, count to ten, recount your objective, then proceed to fulfill it. Don't rush through the act of urinating, if nothing else, take the opportunity to relax, to de-stress, which in general is something women need to do anyway. In public, leave your friends and coworkers behind, as they will likely be a distraction.

If you begin these exercises by urinating when sitting on the toilet while fully clothed, having lowered your pants and underwear as little as possible, and with your legs pressed together, then work on lowering your clothing and spreading your legs a fraction of an inch further each time, or over successive weeks. Work towards being fully nude, at least while at home, with your legs spread comfortably apart. You may even want to work towards sitting backwards on the toilet, facing the water tank, so your legs have to be spread apart in order to sit down. You can also try lifting the toilet seat and urinating while standing, or while lifting your dress or skirt, though this is best practiced in the tub, shower, or outdoors.

If you urinate in the shower or tub, initially you may want the shower on or with the tub full of warm water, to mask the flow of urine from your body. Over time it would be very beneficial to allow the urine to come in contact with your lower body, and learn not to be fearful of doing so. You want to unlearn the fear you have developed of “wetting yourself,” while in an environment in which it is safe to do so. Unless you tell them, no one will know what you have been doing, so you don't have to worry about being judged by others. If you are feeling guilty for performing these exercises, try to resolve the guilt, perhaps by convincing yourself it isn't warranted.

Concentrate on the feelings associated with urinating, allowing the urine to flow, and surrendering control. Do not rush the activity, if anything, draw it out and explore every aspect of it. Perhaps you can repeatedly start and stop the flow of urine, to gain control over the associated muscles. Being able to perform Kegel exercises would increase your body awareness and your level of voluntary control over your body. You may need or want to do this with your eyes closed or with the lights turned off, so you can focus on the physical experience and sensations. Eventually you will want to observe your vulva with a hand mirror while urinating, to help you better understand your anatomy. You may also want to place your hand or hands in the urine stream to become more comfortable the idea of urine coming in contact with your body.

You are ready to proceed to the next exercise when you can wake up in the morning, undress fully, climb into your shower or tub with the water off, close your eyes, take a deep breath, exhale slowly, feel yourself relax, and then begin to urinate, with little to no hesitation. If anything, this should be a relaxing experience, especially if your bladder is full and under tension. It isn't a bad idea to vocalize this release of tension with a sigh, moan, or something similar. When you are done urinating turn the shower or tub faucet on, rinse the urine away, bathe, and carry a smile throughout your day as you compliment yourself on successively completing this exercise. Who would have thought the simple act of urinating could be so significant?

Solitary Exercise 2: Incorporating Sexual Arousal into Your Urinary Activities:

When you are comfortable performing the activity described above, start using mental stimulation, fantasy, to bring about a slight amount of sexual arousal prior to urinating, once a day, or as frequently as circumstances and innate sexual desire permit. Play out your favorite fantasy in your mind or imagine yourself making love to your partner, or someone you find sexually attractive. If sexual arousal doesn't occur easily or spontaneously then only perform the urination exercise. Don't try to force yourself to have sexual feelings and sensations if your mind and body simply aren't in the appropriate mood or physical state. This exercise may only be fully successful one day out of each menstrual cycle, depending on you own unique sexual cycle. Don't try to force you mind and body to do things they aren't prepared for.

When you experience the first indications of arousal, take a deep breath, relax, and urinate. If you have difficulty perceiving when you are sexually aroused, cupping your vulva with your hand may provide the necessary feedback and confirmation. Inserting a finger into your vagina may allow you to detected increased vaginal lubrication sooner, as the vaginal fluids require time to reach your more sensitive vulva. If you are experiencing impaired sexual arousal and/or desire this must be addressed before continuing, and before you can experience orgasm.

Once you are comfortable urinating while sexually aroused, as a result of mental stimulation, explore providing a small amount of physical stimulation that enhances your level of arousal. You want to explore what feels pleasurable and rewarding. Perhaps you can stimulate your nipples, inner thighs, labia, or another erogenous zone for five minutes. Direct clitoral stimulation may be too intense initially, and distract you from the feelings associated with urination and sexual arousal. Stimulation of your clitoris or primary erogenous zone may result in too much arousal at this point, leading to sexual frustration and physical discomfort, rather than relaxation and comfort.

You may want to imagine yourself having a sexual daydream in view of others at work or school; that is the level of arousal you want to experience. In that environment what type of clandestine physical stimulation could you provide? Perhaps you can press your hands or arms against your breasts and/or vulva, press your thighs together, do Kegel contractions, etc. While in this situation you may be able to tease yourself, but you probably can't provide enough stimulation to experience orgasm, and that is the desired result here. You want a warm glow, not a raging fire. If this doesn't work while nude, get dressed and see what happens then.

While you are technically masturbating you don't want to turn this into a masturbation session, you should be exploring only sexual arousal. You may have to acquire a cooking timer that allows you to know when 3, 5, or 10 minutes have elapsed. Orgasm will most likely not occur within these time frames, or if it does, it would be a total surprise. After performing the exercise you want to be telling yourself, "Wow, that felt really good," not, "Damn, I'm really frustrated."

If you cannot induce sexual arousal through mental stimulation alone, but can through physical stimulation, then it is acceptable to proceed to the following exercise, keeping in mind the fact that some women cannot experience orgasm because their thoughts drift to nonsexual themes during their sexual experiences. If this loss of concentration should occur, perhaps you need to explore different sexual fantasies, ones that do hold your attention and result in physical sexual arousal. If you still have trouble staying focused, perhaps you have too much going on in your life and need to simplify it before you can explore having orgasms.

You have completed this exercise when you can urinate while sexually aroused, find pleasure in being sexually aroused, and the arousal puts a rosy glow in your cheeks, as you go about the daily activities that follow. For many preorgasmic women this would be a significant accomplishment, one that is far too often overlooked or under valued.

Solitary Exercise 3: Experiencing Heightened Sexual Arousal:

The last thing a preorgasmic woman should try to do is experience orgasm, because it probably will not happen if she does. When you try to have an orgasm you can easily forgo and forget about what is even more important, sexual arousal and pleasure. Preorgasmic women must discover and enjoy sexual arousal, because orgasm is simply impossible without it. If you aren't experiencing pleasure where is the motivation and reward for continuing? If you reach this stage and you aren't experiencing sexual arousal and pleasure, and lets not forget about the ever important relaxation, then you need to take a couple steps back, and try again. And this is to be expected, and this doesn't mean you have failed or are a failure. It simply means you are human. We all have to learn how to be sexual, and orgasmic.

This exercise will most likely require more of your time. Initially you should set aside 15 minutes, then increase your sessions slowly to 60 minutes, in 5 minute increments. The limiting factor on the length of each session is whether you feel sexually frustrated or are in anyway unhappy when the session ends, as this means you have tried too hard and for too long. If you don't have a smile on your face when you are done, then you are "working" too hard and long. If this occurs, decrease the length of your sessions, and possibly explore new sexual fantasies and erogenous zones, i.e. new forms of physical and mental pleasure, or adding additional types of stimulation. Over time, it is acceptable to explore the use of vibrators, preferably ones that are waterproof and battery powered, dildos, and other sexual aids. Added lubrication may also be required, to increase the pleasure created by your physical stimulation. Initially, if you can become sexually aroused and experience sexual pleasure for 30 seconds that is an accomplishment, one that you should value highly. Don't expect yourself to experience fireworks during these exercises, rather a gentle tingle, throb, or pulse.

You probably should have some type of timer at this point, even if it is only an alarm clock set to go off at the appropriate time. The frequency and timing of these sessions will be dependent on several factors, as while you may urinate several times a day, the average woman isn't desirous of sex, isn't horny, on a daily basis. She also has many other activities competing for her time. Even so, you MUST schedule time for these sessions, because they must hold some priority in your life. If the appointed time comes and sexual arousal doesn't occur then simply use the time to relax. Consider taking a relaxing shower, exploring your body, applying body lotion or oil, or if you can't become aroused because of exhaustion, take a nap.

During these longer sessions practice increasing your level of sexual arousal prior to urinating. Always remember to breath, and if necessary, hum, talk naughty to yourself, or even sing to ensure you aren't holding your breath. Ask yourself, does what I'm doing feel good? If not, stop, relax, and access whether you should start again, and perhaps you shouldn't. Explore the pleasure of the arousal and physical stimulation. You might practice squirting, allowing a small amount of urine to flow periodically, as your level of arousal increases. With practice you should find it easier to allow the urine to flow, as your inhibition decreases and muscle control increases, as will your comfort level with the exercise.

Ideally, one day while fantasizing and stimulating your erogenous zones orgasm will occur without you trying, because you are no longer afraid of surrendering control, it has happened voluntarily many times before. The optimal result of these exercises is to allow you to experience orgasm, at a minimum you will have a better understanding and acceptance of how you body works. You will maintain voluntary control over your urinary habits, as you have been surrendering control in a controlled and specific situation.

Partnered Exercises:

           Coming Soon

Personal Experiences:

- The following personal experience was shared when a woman wrote seeking advice:

"Hi, I'm turning 19 in a week and have been having sex for two years now without a single orgasm. I finally invested in a good vibrator and think I have given myself an orgasm, but I'm not sure. Can you guys help me?

When trying it out with my boyfriend, I as usual got intense pleasure (so intense I couldn't take it, and had to be held down), then got the urge to pee. Hoping it was an orgasm, I let it go. I squirted all over the place and felt really good afterward, but I was expecting to feel contractions in my vagina and such, so I wasn't sure. Later while masturbating, I was able to make myself squirt again, but with an even weaker amount of pleasure. Both times I was stimulating my clitoris, and not my g-spot, which I would expect to cause squirting."

You can read my advise to her by clicking here.

- A similar experience was shared in our discussion forum, which you can access by clicking here.

- I would like to relate a personal experience:

While giving a woman a genital massage I noted that she started to ejaculate during orgasm but quickly contracted her pelvic muscles, ending the orgasm and ejaculation. Immediately after this sexual experience I mentioned this observation to her and told her it was normal for her to ejaculate and it was acceptable for her to ejaculate during our sexual experiences together. During later sexual experiences she produced strong ejaculations and was multi-orgasmic. Prior to our sexual experiences she was able to experience orgasm only while using a vibrator for clitoral stimulation, but afterwards she could experience clitoral, vaginal, and G-spot orgasms. While many factors contributed to this end result, by giving her permission to be sexual and surrender control she was willing and able to do so, and reaped the rewards; we both did. While not always a solution, giving a woman permission to be sexual, to surrender control, can produce great rewards for her and her partner, though her partner needs to be equally open to whatever form her sexuality takes.

- From a woman who reports this article has helped her reclaim her sexuality:

I would just like to say a huge thank you to the author of Anorgasmia: A Struggle for Control. I have never reached orgasm and I never understood why. I'm comfortable in my skin, I thought I knew my body and have tried every technique and toy under the sun. My ex made such an ordeal out of the fact that he couldn't satisfy me that it was pretty much the basis for our divorce. Even post jerk I still couldn't reach that awe inspiring goal.

I still have always enjoyed sexual experiences even though I was somewhat saddened by the ghost of a voice telling me that something was wrong with me. I was sexually active before I even met the ex, but when we were fresh and new something happened, it finally felt like it was really happening so I relaxed to let it happen. It didn't. Instead of climaxing in the traditional sense of the word, I urinated. Instead of passing it off, he made me feel juvenile. It was as if I was a toddler that had wet the bed and needed to be shamed into never doing it again.

Ever since that pivotal moment in time, any time I even remotely begin to feel that sensation I shut down. It just made matters worse because I became even more frustrated and began to shy away from intercourse.

Then in my ongoing quest to feel 'normal' I found this article. It was pure accident that I even stumbled across it. In the amount of time it took to read it, I could feel the weight being lifted off. It was no longer something to be ashamed of! Hallelujah! I tried the initial exercises with no difficulty and settled down and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I didn't worry and that in itself is liberating enough to jump for joy. For the first time in years, it wasn't pointless to even try. It was worth every slightest bit of sensation. Granted I'm sure it will take time to fully find my groove that works, I can now try without blocking it or stressing when it doesn't work out. I am one of those girls with total and complete control but I hope to lose it soon.

Thank you for that.

Visitor Comments :

"I am reading http://www.the-clitoris.com/f_html/anorgasmia.htm with great interest, and thought I'd offer some thoughts regarding the section on "The importance of peer approval" and the scuba diving conversation....

As a man, it has been my experience that men are almost applauded for relieving themselves when the need arises. It is nothing for a man out on a hike to find a tree and water it. By contrast women (such as my wife) must be very uncomfortable to relent; hesitant to find a rock or log to lean against for the squat. Some of this may purely be a function of "convenient anatomy": a guy just whips it out, does his business, and shakes it off. A woman has to drop trou' and wipe up afterward. Nonetheless, "marking one's territory" is something we congratulate men for, but not women.

Next, look at the movie "The Right Stuff" where astronaut Alan Shepherd, after sitting in the capsule for hours waiting to start the first American space shot. He advises that his bladder is full. NASA never made provisions for that on what was planned as a short trip. They give him permission to go in his suit. Guys watching that laugh, while women shudder in disgust.

As humans, we even make gender-biased judgments on our dogs. Whether sterilized or not, male and female dogs "mark their territory". When a female dog does it, what we see is a "dainty" squat. When a male dog does it, he "hikes" his leg.

I guess I'm reinforcing your idea that "male urination" is somehow more acceptable, perhaps to both genders. My wife has held my penis as I've pee'd into the toilet, just to try to experience it. And yet, she is reluctant to 'share' her urination experience with me."

Notes:

“The initial, emission, stage in the ejaculation process is produced by contractions of the smooth muscle in the capsules of the testes, seminal vesicles, and prostate and the smooth muscle of the ducts of the epididymis and vas deferens.” [2] In women the testes develop into the ovaries, but the seminal vesicles, epididymis, and vas deferens appear to become vestigial, based on current medical knowledge, which means they do not developed into functional structures.

While the insertion of the penis into the vagina during sexual intercourse significantly increases the likelihood of conception, the external prominence of the human penis is not required for reproduction to occur. In theory and practice a man and woman who possess a clitoris or micropenis could reproduce if they engaged in what we commonly call outercourse, if they had the internal reproductive organs we commonly associate with their respective genders.

Ejaculating on the vulva can and does result in conception, as demonstrated by the occurrence of virginal couples conceiving a baby. [Case 1] [Case 2] The practice of subincision would also provide evidence to support the theory that ejaculating on the vulva is sufficient to maintain a society, and given the challenges presented by the nomadic lifestyle of societies that engage/ed in this practice, this would possibly act as a natural means of reducing the birthrate, avoiding the strain that overpopulation would place on their community and environment. This means men with hypospadias or a micropenis would most likely be able to reproduce without the need for “surgical correction.”

Given that eighty-six percent of women said in a survey on this website that they produce sufficient vaginal lubrication for it to lubricate their vulva, sperm could potentially swim their way from the moist vulva into a woman's vagina and find their way to her egg cell, ovum. In addition to providing a liquid environment for sperm to utilize, vaginal lubrication reduces the normally acidic level of the vagina and vulva, making them more hospitable to sperm.

"The close physical proximity of the urethra and the clitoris to the anterior vaginal wall suggests an association between these anatomical structures and sexual function. In fact, the anterior vaginal wall is an active organ, transmitting during intercourse, the effect of penile thrusting in the vagina to the clitoris, by stretching the two ligaments that insert around its base." Source

"The distal vagina is a structure that is so interrelated with the clitoris that it is a matter of some debate whether the two are are truly separate structures. The same relationship applies to the female urethra. Though in anatomical terms it is possible to dissect one structure fully from the other, the three structures (distal vagina, clitoris, and urethra) share blood supply and innervation." Source

Cited References:

How Big is Big? by Dr. Zev Wanderer & Dr. David Radell 1982 [Book]

The Science of Orgasm by Barry R. Komisaruk, Carlos Beyer-Flores, & Beverly Whipple [Book]

The Female Prostate: history, functional morphology, and sexology implications by Dr. Milan Zaviacic 2001 (PDF File)

Urological Survey: Neuroanatomy of the human female lower urogenital tract. By Yucel S, De Souza A Jr, Baskin LS. J Urol. 2004; 172: 191-5 (PDF File)

Non-Cited References:

Quantification of Intramuscular Nerves Within the Female Striated Urogenital Sphincter Muscle By Meghana A Pandit, MBBS, MRCOG, John O. L. Delancey, MD, James A. Ashton-Miller, PhD, Jyothsna Iyengar, Mila Blaivas, MD, PhD, and Daniele Perucchini, MD (Article and PDF File)

Female Pelvic Floor Anatomy: The Pelvic Floor, Supporting Structures, and Pelvic Organs. Sender Herschorn, MD, FRCSC (Article and PDF File)

The Functional Anatomy of the Female Pelvic Floor and Stress Continence Control System. By James A. Ashton-Miller, Denise Howard, and John O. L. DeLancey (Article and PDF File)

Urinary Incontinence: Anatomy and physiology of the pelvic floor by W.A Silva, M.M. Karram (PDF File)

Pharmacology of the Lower Urinary Tract: Basis for Current and Future Treatments of Urinary Incontinence by Karl-Erik Andersson and Alan J. Wein (Article and PDF File)