Anorgasmia: Learning to Surrender Control

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The Desired Outcomes for the Following Exercises are Increased Comfort with Urination Without a Loss of Control, and the Experience of Sexual Arousal During Urination.

Choose an Achievable Objective:

Achieving the objectives described above could be a challenging proposition, as a result of years of prior conditioning by family, friends, and society. Overcoming negative believes can take a considerable investment of time. After reading through the following advice and exercises choose an achievable objective, and then progress at your own pace. If you choose an objective that is too ambitious you are less likely to succeed, because you may see yourself as progressing too slowly, or not at all. As is frequently stated in these situations, take baby steps. When you have achieved your objective choose a new one that will bring you closer to achieving your final objective.

Solitary Exercise 1: Increasing Comfort with Urination:

Many women, even those who are not preorgasmic, would benefit from developing a more neutral attitude towards urination. Women don't need to feel comfortable with the idea of sharing this activity with strangers, or find the activity pleasurable, but they shouldn't be motivated to hide their urinary activities from themselves or their partner. Urination should be viewed as a normal bodily function, as it is an activity that everyone participates in.

The more uncomfortable you are with the “idea” of performing these exercises the greater the likelihood they would be of benefit to you, especially if my hypothesis is true. The activities I describe aren't harmful, and any emotional discomfort or anxiety you may experience is the result of prior learning, which is based on social mores rather than fact. If negative feelings develop they must be addressed and overcome prior to progressing further. Since the potential causes of anxiety are so numerous they cannot be adequately addressed within the context of this article. I can only advice women to choose a task that results in little or no anxiety, hence the need for taking baby steps. The intent being to progress from what you are comfortable doing to what would benefit you sexually.

The first exercise involves nothing more than the act of urination, something you have done thousands of times before. With your bladder comfortably full, while sitting on a toilet, standing in a shower, or sitting in a tub, relax, take a deep breath, exhale slowly, and urinate. It sounds easy enough, which can be very misleading, as anxiety is a possibility if you move outside your normal repertoire and comfort zone. What you are presently comfortable doing will determine your starting point.

This exercise would be beneficial to perform each morning upon waking, as your bladder is likely full. The other option would be to drink a couple glasses of water with dinner, then when your bladder is full, proceed with the exercise. Initially you may want to perform these exercises while sitting on the toilet while fully clothed, progressing to standing naked in the shower, and then finally sitting naked in the tub. Ideally, you would perform these exercises every time you urinate, if at all possible. You don't want to feel rushed, so choose an appropriate time of day that will allow for this. In the beginning, these exercises will require only a minute of your time, and as you slowly progress towards the first objective it shouldn't take more than 5 minutes.

During the majority of your urination sessions at home and work you should enter the bathroom or bathroom stale, take a deep breath, exhale slowly, count to ten, recount your objective, then proceed to fulfill it. Don't rush through the act of urinating, if nothing else, take the opportunity to relax, to de-stress, which in general is something women need to do anyway. In public, leave your friends and coworkers behind, as they will likely be a distraction.

If you begin these exercises by urinating when sitting on the toilet while fully clothed, having lowered your pants and underwear as little as possible, and with your legs pressed together, then work on lowering your clothing and spreading your legs a fraction of an inch further each time, or over successive weeks. Work towards being fully nude, at least while at home, with your legs spread comfortably apart. You may even want to work towards sitting backwards on the toilet, facing the water tank, so your legs have to be spread apart in order to sit down. You can also try lifting the toilet seat and urinating while standing, or while lifting your dress or skirt, though this is best practiced in the tub, shower, or outdoors.

If you urinate in the shower or tub, initially you may want the shower on or with the tub full of warm water, to mask the flow of urine from your body. Over time it would be very beneficial to allow the urine to come in contact with your lower body, and learn not to be fearful of doing so. You want to unlearn the fear you have developed of “wetting yourself,” while in an environment in which it is safe to do so. Unless you tell them, no one will know what you have been doing, so you don't have to worry about being judged by others. If you are feeling guilty for performing these exercises, try to resolve the guilt, perhaps by convincing yourself it isn't warranted.

Concentrate on the feelings associated with urinating, allowing the urine to flow, and surrendering control. Do not rush the activity, if anything, draw it out and explore every aspect of it. Perhaps you can repeatedly start and stop the flow of urine, to gain control over the associated muscles. Being able to perform Kegel exercises would increase your body awareness and your level of voluntary control over your body. You may need or want to do this with your eyes closed or with the lights turned off, so you can focus on the physical experience and sensations. Eventually you will want to observe your vulva with a hand mirror while urinating, to help you better understand your anatomy. You may also want to place your hand or hands in the urine stream to become more comfortable the idea of urine coming in contact with your body.

You are ready to proceed to the next exercise when you can wake up in the morning, undress fully, climb into your shower or tub with the water off, close your eyes, take a deep breath, exhale slowly, feel yourself relax, and then begin to urinate, with little to no hesitation. If anything, this should be a relaxing experience, especially if your bladder is full and under tension. It isn't a bad idea to vocalize this release of tension with a sigh, moan, or something similar. When you are done urinating turn the shower or tub faucet on, rinse the urine away, bathe, and carry a smile throughout your day as you compliment yourself on successively completing this exercise. Who would have thought the simple act of urinating could be so significant?

Solitary Exercise 2: Incorporating Sexual Arousal into Your Urinary Activities:

When you are comfortable performing the activity described above, start using mental stimulation, fantasy, to bring about a slight amount of sexual arousal prior to urinating, once a day, or as frequently as circumstances and innate sexual desire permit. Play out your favorite fantasy in your mind or imagine yourself making love to your partner, or someone you find sexually attractive. If sexual arousal doesn't occur easily or spontaneously then only perform the urination exercise. Don't try to force yourself to have sexual feelings and sensations if your mind and body simply aren't in the appropriate mood or physical state. This exercise may only be fully successful one day out of each menstrual cycle, depending on you own unique sexual cycle. Don't try to force you mind and body to do things they aren't prepared for.

When you experience the first indications of arousal, take a deep breath, relax, and urinate. If you have difficulty perceiving when you are sexually aroused, cupping your vulva with your hand may provide the necessary feedback and confirmation. Inserting a finger into your vagina may allow you to detected increased vaginal lubrication sooner, as the vaginal fluids require time to reach your more sensitive vulva. If you are experiencing impaired sexual arousal and/or desire this must be addressed before continuing, and before you can experience orgasm.

Once you are comfortable urinating while sexually aroused, as a result of mental stimulation, explore providing a small amount of physical stimulation that enhances your level of arousal. You want to explore what feels pleasurable and rewarding. Perhaps you can stimulate your nipples, inner thighs, labia, or another erogenous zone for five minutes. Direct clitoral stimulation may be too intense initially, and distract you from the feelings associated with urination and sexual arousal. Stimulation of your clitoris or primary erogenous zone may result in too much arousal at this point, leading to sexual frustration and physical discomfort, rather than relaxation and comfort.

You may want to imagine yourself having a sexual daydream in view of others at work or school; that is the level of arousal you want to experience. In that environment what type of clandestine physical stimulation could you provide? Perhaps you can press your hands or arms against your breasts and/or vulva, press your thighs together, do Kegel contractions, etc. While in this situation you may be able to tease yourself, but you probably can't provide enough stimulation to experience orgasm, and that is the desired result here. You want a warm glow, not a raging fire. If this doesn't work while nude, get dressed and see what happens then.

While you are technically masturbating you don't want to turn this into a masturbation session, you should be exploring only sexual arousal. You may have to acquire a cooking timer that allows you to know when 3, 5, or 10 minutes have elapsed. Orgasm will most likely not occur within these time frames, or if it does, it would be a total surprise. After performing the exercise you want to be telling yourself, "Wow, that felt really good," not, "Damn, I'm really frustrated."

If you cannot induce sexual arousal through mental stimulation alone, but can through physical stimulation, then it is acceptable to proceed to the following exercise, keeping in mind the fact that some women cannot experience orgasm because their thoughts drift to nonsexual themes during their sexual experiences. If this loss of concentration should occur, perhaps you need to explore different sexual fantasies, ones that do hold your attention and result in physical sexual arousal. If you still have trouble staying focused, perhaps you have too much going on in your life and need to simplify it before you can explore having orgasms.

You have completed this exercise when you can urinate while sexually aroused, find pleasure in being sexually aroused, and the arousal puts a rosy glow in your cheeks, as you go about the daily activities that follow. For many preorgasmic women this would be a significant accomplishment, one that is far too often overlooked or under valued.

Solitary Exercise 3: Experiencing Heightened Sexual Arousal:

The last thing a preorgasmic woman should try to do is experience orgasm, because it probably will not happen if she does. When you try to have an orgasm you can easily forgo and forget about what is even more important, sexual arousal and pleasure. Preorgasmic women must discover and enjoy sexual arousal, because orgasm is simply impossible without it. If you aren't experiencing pleasure where is the motivation and reward for continuing? If you reach this stage and you aren't experiencing sexual arousal and pleasure, and lets not forget about the ever important relaxation, then you need to take a couple steps back, and try again. And this is to be expected, and this doesn't mean you have failed or are a failure. It simply means you are human. We all have to learn how to be sexual, and orgasmic.

This exercise will most likely require more of your time. Initially you should set aside 15 minutes, then increase your sessions slowly to 60 minutes, in 5 minute increments. The limiting factor on the length of each session is whether you feel sexually frustrated or are in anyway unhappy when the session ends, as this means you have tried too hard and for too long. If you don't have a smile on your face when you are done, then you are "working" too hard and long. If this occurs, decrease the length of your sessions, and possibly explore new sexual fantasies and erogenous zones, i.e. new forms of physical and mental pleasure, or adding additional types of stimulation. Over time, it is acceptable to explore the use of vibrators, preferably ones that are waterproof and battery powered, dildos, and other sexual aids. Added lubrication may also be required, to increase the pleasure created by your physical stimulation. Initially, if you can become sexually aroused and experience sexual pleasure for 30 seconds that is an accomplishment, one that you should value highly. Don't expect yourself to experience fireworks during these exercises, rather a gentle tingle, throb, or pulse.

You probably should have some type of timer at this point, even if it is only an alarm clock set to go off at the appropriate time. The frequency and timing of these sessions will be dependent on several factors, as while you may urinate several times a day, the average woman isn't desirous of sex, isn't horny, on a daily basis. She also has many other activities competing for her time. Even so, you MUST schedule time for these sessions, because they must hold some priority in your life. If the appointed time comes and sexual arousal doesn't occur then simply use the time to relax. Consider taking a relaxing shower, exploring your body, applying body lotion or oil, or if you can't become aroused because of exhaustion, take a nap.

During these longer sessions practice increasing your level of sexual arousal prior to urinating. Always remember to breath, and if necessary, hum, talk naughty to yourself, or even sing to ensure you aren't holding your breath. Ask yourself, does what I'm doing feel good? If not, stop, relax, and access whether you should start again, and perhaps you shouldn't. Explore the pleasure of the arousal and physical stimulation. You might practice squirting, allowing a small amount of urine to flow periodically, as your level of arousal increases. With practice you should find it easier to allow the urine to flow, as your inhibition decreases and muscle control increases, as will your comfort level with the exercise.

Ideally, one day while fantasizing and stimulating your erogenous zones orgasm will occur without you trying, because you are no longer afraid of surrendering control, it has happened voluntarily many times before. The optimal result of these exercises is to allow you to experience orgasm, at a minimum you will have a better understanding and acceptance of how you body works. You will maintain voluntary control over your urinary habits, as you have been surrendering control in a controlled and specific situation.

Personal Experiences:

- The following personal experience was shared when a woman wrote seeking advice:

"Hi, I'm turning 19 in a week and have been having sex for two years now without a single orgasm. I finally invested in a good vibrator and think I have given myself an orgasm, but I'm not sure. Can you guys help me?

When trying it out with my boyfriend, I as usual got intense pleasure (so intense I couldn't take it, and had to be held down), then got the urge to pee. Hoping it was an orgasm, I let it go. I squirted all over the place and felt really good afterward, but I was expecting to feel contractions in my vagina and such, so I wasn't sure. Later while masturbating, I was able to make myself squirt again, but with an even weaker amount of pleasure. Both times I was stimulating my clitoris, and not my g-spot, which I would expect to cause squirting."

You can read my advice to her by clicking here.

- A similar experience was shared in our discussion forum, which you can access by clicking here.

- I would like to relate a personal experience:

While giving a woman a genital massage I noted that she started to ejaculate during orgasm but quickly contracted her pelvic muscles, ending the orgasm and ejaculation. Immediately after this sexual experience I mentioned this observation to her and told her it was normal for her to ejaculate and it was acceptable for her to ejaculate during our sexual experiences together. During later sexual experiences she produced strong ejaculations and was multi-orgasmic. Prior to our sexual experiences she was able to experience orgasm only while using a vibrator for clitoral stimulation, but afterwards she could experience clitoral, vaginal, and G-spot orgasms. While many factors contributed to this end result, by giving her permission to be sexual and surrender control she was willing and able to do so, and reaped the rewards; we both did. While not always a solution, giving a woman permission to be sexual, to surrender control, can produce great rewards for her and her partner, though her partner needs to be equally open to whatever form her sexuality takes.

- From a woman who reports this article has helped her reclaim her sexuality:

I would just like to say a huge thank you to the author of Anorgasmia: A Struggle for Control. I have never reached orgasm and I never understood why. I'm comfortable in my skin, I thought I knew my body and have tried every technique and toy under the sun. My ex made such an ordeal out of the fact that he couldn't satisfy me that it was pretty much the basis for our divorce. Even post jerk I still couldn't reach that awe inspiring goal.

I still have always enjoyed sexual experiences even though I was somewhat saddened by the ghost of a voice telling me that something was wrong with me. I was sexually active before I even met the ex, but when we were fresh and new something happened, it finally felt like it was really happening so I relaxed to let it happen. It didn't. Instead of climaxing in the traditional sense of the word, I urinated. Instead of passing it off, he made me feel juvenile. It was as if I was a toddler that had wet the bed and needed to be shamed into never doing it again.

Ever since that pivotal moment in time, any time I even remotely begin to feel that sensation I shut down. It just made matters worse because I became even more frustrated and began to shy away from intercourse.

Then in my ongoing quest to feel 'normal' I found this article. It was pure accident that I even stumbled across it. In the amount of time it took to read it, I could feel the weight being lifted off. It was no longer something to be ashamed of! Hallelujah! I tried the initial exercises with no difficulty and settled down and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I didn't worry and that in itself is liberating enough to jump for joy. For the first time in years, it wasn't pointless to even try. It was worth every slightest bit of sensation. Granted I'm sure it will take time to fully find my groove that works, I can now try without blocking it or stressing when it doesn't work out. I am one of those girls with total and complete control but I hope to lose it soon.

Thank you for that.

Visitor Comments :

"I am reading anorgasmia_absence_of_orgasm with great interest, and thought I'd offer some thoughts regarding the section on "The importance of peer approval" and the scuba diving conversation....

As a man, it has been my experience that men are almost applauded for relieving themselves when the need arises. It is nothing for a man out on a hike to find a tree and water it. By contrast women (such as my wife) must be very uncomfortable to relent; hesitant to find a rock or log to lean against for the squat. Some of this may purely be a function of "convenient anatomy":  a guy just whips it out, does his business, and shakes it off. A woman has to drop trou' and wipe up afterward. Nonetheless, "marking one's territory" is something we congratulate men for, but not women.

Next, look at the movie "The Right Stuff" where astronaut Alan Shepherd, after sitting in the capsule for hours waiting to start the first American space shot. He advises that his bladder is full. NASA never made provisions for that on what was planned as a short trip. They give him permission to go in his suit. Guys watching that laugh, while women shudder in disgust.

As humans, we even make gender-biased judgments on our dogs. Whether sterilized or not, male and female dogs "mark their territory". When a female dog does it, what we see is a "dainty" squat. When a male dog does it, he "hikes" his leg.

I guess I'm reinforcing your idea that "male urination" is somehow more acceptable, perhaps to both genders. My wife has held my penis as I've pee'd into the toilet, just to try to experience it. And yet, she is reluctant to 'share' her urination experience with me."

Notes and References